认识你自己

Know Thyself

实际上，如果你想想骗子的想法，我们还可以得到第三条智慧： 了解自己的个性，确保不要让它妨碍您的沟通目标。

Actually, if you think about what was likely going through the scammer’s mind, there’s a third piece of wisdom here for us: Know your own personality and be sure not to let it impede your communications goals.

我的公司正在为安全行业的人们举办一场新会议——这对我们来说是一件大事。我们有几个月的准备时间，但我需要我的员工全力以赴，尤其是我的助理 Shayna。我与他人互动时的自然倾向是直言不讳，像教官一样命令他们。我倾向于脱口而出想法，而不考虑周围的人会有什么感受。人们说我强势、自信、直率——他们只是善意的。我也听到过有人用“混蛋”这样的词来形容我。在这种情况下，我可能会走到她的办公桌前说：“嘿。我们需要这次会议取得成功，所以和其他人一样，你必须努力工作。这意味着在我们需要的时候要加班，周末也要加班。加油，好吗？别让我失望！”

My company was launching a new conference for people in the security industry—a big deal for us. We had months to prepare, but I needed my people all in, especially Shayna, my assistant. My natural inclination when interacting with others is to be really blunt with them and order them around, drill sergeant–style. I tend to just blurt out thoughts, not considering how others around me might feel. People have called me forceful, confident, blunt—and they were being charitable. I’ve heard words like “jerk” leveled at me, too. In this instance, I might have gone up to her desk and said, “Hey. We need this conference to succeed, so like everyone else, you’re going to have to work your butt off. That means staying late when we need it and working weekends. Do it, okay? Don’t disappoint me!”

对于大多数员工来说，以这种方式提出的要求不会让人产生太大的激励。相反，它会让人反感。幸运的是，我没有以这种方式向 Shayna 提出要求。大约十年前，我开始更加了解自己的个性和沟通风格，包括好的、坏的和丑陋的。这是我第一次进行为期一周的培训我是一名社会工程学老师，而且名副其实，我像一名训练军士一样领导着整个班级——冲着大家大喊大叫，命令他们，展现权威。这让我很累，可能也让我的学生很恼火。

For most employees, a request proffered in this way wouldn’t be terribly motivating. On the contrary, it would be off-putting. Fortunately, I didn’t ask Shayna in this way. About a decade ago, I became more aware of my own personality and communications style, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I was giving my first-ever week-long training on social engineering, and true to form, was leading the class like a drill sergeant—shouting at people, ordering them around, projecting authority. It was exhausting for me, and probably annoying for my students.

我的朋友 Robin Dreeke 是畅销书作家，也是前 FBI 行为专家，他和我一起教这门课，课后他把我拉到一边说：“老兄，你必须改变你的训练方式。你现在只是到处发号施令。”起初我不同意他的观点，但因为我尊重他，所以我听从了他的建议，不再发号施令。这带来了巨大的改变。学生们坐在课堂上时真的面带微笑。他们参与度更高。他们似乎更渴望吸收材料。哇，我想，这很有影响力。

My friend Robin Dreeke, bestselling author and former FBI behavioral expert, was co-teaching this class with me, and afterward he pulled me aside and said, “Dude, you’ve got to change your training style. You’re just barking orders out left and right.” I disagreed with him at first, but because I respected him, I took his advice and stopped barking out orders. What a difference that made. Students actually smiled as they sat in class. They participated more. They seemed more eager to absorb the material. Wow, I thought, this is powerful.

随着时间的推移，我调整了自己的沟通方式，摆脱了教练的形象，变得更加外向、愉快和轻松。我也变得更加注意自己每时每刻在说什么、怎么说以及别人怎么表达。我开始更加专注于了解别人的个性，并据此制定自己的沟通方式。我是否成为了更有效的人类黑客？当然！

Over time, I adjusted my communications style, ditching the drill sergeant persona and becoming much more outgoing, jovial, and lighthearted. I also became much more aware minute to minute of what I was saying, how I was saying it, and how it was coming across. I started to focus more intently on understanding other people’s personalities and crafting my communications accordingly. Did I become far more effective as a hacker of humans? Heck, yeah!

我没有命令谢娜尽最大努力，而是考虑了她的个性和可能吸引她的沟通方式，就像渥太华骗子对他的目标所做的那样。我的优势在于我非常了解谢娜——我不会做太多的猜测。我知道她很认真、很有条理、很注重隐私，就像骗子认为他的目标一样。她喜欢有界限，喜欢远离聚光灯。所以，我采取非常私密、个人化的姿态可能会最有效——肯定比我公开赞扬她，然后要求她尽最大努力更有效。

Instead of ordering Shayna to put in her best effort, I thought about her personality and the communications style that would likely appeal to her, just like the Ottawa scammer had done for his target. I had an advantage in that I knew Shayna quite well—I wasn’t taking much of a guess. I knew she was conscientious, very organized, and private, like the scammer assumed his target was. She liked boundaries and preferred to stay out of the limelight. So, a very private, personal gesture on my part would likely prove most effective—certainly more so than my lavishing public praise on her, say, and then asking her to please put in her best effort.

我给 Shayna 买了一张我知道她喜欢的商店的礼品卡，并附上一张便条，感谢她为我带来的专业精神来到我们公司，告诉她这带来了多大的变化。我提到我们的会议即将召开，我真的需要她继续做好她一直以来的工作。

I bought Shayna a gift card for a store I knew she liked, attaching a personal note thanking her for all the professionalism she has brought to our company, and telling her what a difference it has made. I mentioned that our conference was coming up, and that I really needed her to continue doing the great job she had been doing.

谢娜很喜欢这个举动。这个举动让她很感动，激励她继续努力工作。从表面上看，即使我给她一张百万美元的支票，她也不会那么积极。这一切都是因为我意识到了自己最糟糕的冲动，决心避开它们，考虑到我的“对象”的个性，并相应地调整了我的沟通方式。

Shayna loved it. The gesture touched her and inspired her to keep working hard. By all appearances, I could have handed her a million-dollar check and she wouldn’t have been as motivated. All because I had been aware of my own worst impulses, had resolved to bypass them, had taken into account the personality of my “subject,” and had shaped my communications accordingly.

除非你至少对自己的沟通倾向（优点和缺点）有所了解，并养成了发现那些你需要影响的人的相关性格特征的习惯，否则你不可能成为一名有效的人类黑客。如果我试图闯入一家大公司的总部，并采用直率的训练中士风格（例如，假装我是另一个办公室的高级管理人员，并命令警卫让我进去，尽管我没有徽章），这可能会引起一些对这种风格反应良好的安全人员的共鸣。但对于许多不这样做的人来说，这几乎肯定会适得其反。因此，我会立即将成功的机会限制在 50%（或更低）。此外，通过以自己的风格进行交流，我没有考虑使用我将在本书后面分享的工具来设计对我有利的互动。我犯愚蠢错误的可能性增加了。

You can’t become an effective hacker of humans unless you’ve developed at least some awareness of your own communications tendencies—your strengths and weaknesses—and have developed the habit of uncovering relevant personality traits of those you need to influence. If I were trying to break into the headquarters of a big company, and I deployed my blunt, drill sergeant style (for instance, pretending that I was a senior executive from another office, and ordering the guards to let me in even though I didn’t have a badge), that might resonate with some security personnel who react well to that style. But it would almost certainly backfire with many others who don’t. So I would instantly be limiting my chances of success to just 50 percent (or less). In addition, by jumping in and communicating in my own style, I’m not giving any thought to crafting the interaction to my benefit, using the tools I’ll share later in this book. I’m increasing my chances of making a dumb mistake.

在日常生活中，我们忽视了自己自然喜欢的沟通方式，这导致了难以言喻的问题。我公司的一位前员工——我叫她卡米拉——和我一起工作了多年。在那段时间里，我们大部分时间都很难相处，我不知道为什么。原来我们的沟通风格完全不同。因为我对人很直接，卡米拉经常把我看作一个十足的混蛋。同时，她更喜欢更加谨慎地沟通，在说话前先仔细思考她的想法。由于她没有对我的讲话做出迅速而果断的反应，我经常认为她对她的工作和我们的业务完全漠不关心。

In our daily lives, our obliviousness to how we naturally like to communicate leads to untold problems. A former employee at my company—I’ll call her Camilla—and I worked together closely for years. For much of that time, we struggled to get along with one another, and I wasn’t sure why. It turned out that our communications styles were completely different. Because I was so direct with people, Camilla often saw me as a complete jerk. Meanwhile, she preferred to communicate more deliberately, thinking her ideas through first before speaking. Because she didn’t react quickly and decisively to what I was saying, I often viewed her as being completely apathetic about her work and our business.

日复一日，我们各执一词。有一次，我们必须为公司选择医疗保健计划，我做了一些研究，非常确定要采用哪种计划。我给她发了一封简短的电子邮件，概述了我的逻辑，并询问她的想法。几分钟后，我打电话给她，问她是否收到了电子邮件。“是的，”她说，“我现在正在看。”

Day after day, we talked at cross purposes with one another. On one occasion, when we had to choose a health care plan for our company, I did some research and was pretty sure about which plan I wanted us to go with. I sent her a short email outlining my logic and asking her what she thought. A few minutes later, I called her up and asked if she got the email. “Yep,” she said, “I’m reading it now.”

“所以你怎么看”

“So what do you think”

暂停。

Pause.

“好的，”我说，“我要走这条路，可以吗？”

“Okay,” I said. “I’m going to go this route, okay?”

“我想你可以……[停顿]……如果你想要表现得像个混蛋的话。”

“I guess you can . . . [pause] . . . if you want to be a jerk about it.”

“太好了，谢谢，这就是我所需要的。”

“Great, thanks, that’s all I need.”

点击。

Click.

那天晚些时候，我得知她对我很生气。我不明白为什么——我问过她的意见，她也说是的。当我问她时，她解释说我没有给她任何时间阅读电子邮件并做出深思熟虑的决定。“我说如果你想当个混蛋，你可以。”

Later that day, I learned that she was upset at me. I couldn’t understand why—I had asked her opinion, and she had said yes. When I asked her, she explained that I hadn’t given her any time to read the email and make a thoughtful decision. “I said you could, if you wanted to be a jerk.”

“我没听到‘如果你想成为一个混蛋’这句话，”我说。

“I didn’t hear the ‘if you wanted to be a jerk part,’” I said.

“你永远听不到那部分。”

“You never hear that part.”

她是对的，我却不这么认为。我也不明白她是否真的关心我们的公司，是否做出了正确的决定——她只是需要更多的时间思考后再说出来。

She was right, I didn’t. And I also didn’t get that she really did care about our company and making the right decision—she just needed more time to think before speaking up.

当你与配偶、同事、朋友或生活中的其他人相遇时，你可能怀着最好的意图。你可能努力沟通，进行一场精彩的对话。然而，你可能会发现你无法沟通，对方没有完全理解你所说的话，或者他们变得心烦意乱。也许对方心情不好，影响了他们听到的内容。也许你对他们或他们的经历缺乏了解，无意中冒犯了他们。但也许你与他们沟通的方式与他们倾向于沟通的方式不一致。在很多情况下，这种不匹配使我们的关系更加困难，并给我们带来无尽的焦虑和痛苦。

You might have the best of intentions when you have an encounter with a spouse, colleague, friend, or someone else in your life. You might be trying hard to communicate well and have an awesome conversation. And yet, you might find that you’re failing to connect, that the other person isn’t quite getting what you said, or that they’re becoming upset. Perhaps this other person is in a bad mood, and it’s coloring what they hear. Perhaps you lack some context about them or their experiences, and you inadvertently offend them. But perhaps the way you are communicating with them doesn’t conform well with how they’re inclined to communicate. In so many cases, such mismatches make our relationships more difficult and cause us untold angst and pain.

不了解我们自己的沟通倾向也会让我们容易受到他人的不良影响。我十五岁时，我们家从纽约州北部搬到了宾夕法尼亚州，然后又搬到了佛罗里达州。我当时脸色苍白，但和许多十几岁的男孩一样，渴望给女孩们留下深刻印象。想象一下，在一个寒冷的一月天，我和一群女孩躺在沙滩上，旁边是一堆火。所有的男孩都在海里冲浪。“啊啊啊，”我心想，“这里是天堂。这些宝贝都属于我了。”然后，其中一个男孩走进来对我说：“嘿，克里斯，你是要像个懦夫一样坐在那里，还是要像我们其他人一样划船出去？”

Failing to understand our own communications tendencies also leaves us vulnerable to being influenced by others in unfortunate ways. When I was fifteen, my family moved from upstate New York to Pennsylvania and then down to Florida. I was pale as a lightbulb but, like many teenage boys, eager to impress the ladies. Picture me and a bunch of girls lying on the sand one cold January day by a fire. All of the guys are out surfing in the water. “Ahhh,” I think to myself, “this is paradise. I’ve got all these babes to myself.” Then one of the guys comes in and says to me, “Hey, Chris, you gonna sit there like a wimp, or are you gonna paddle out like the rest of us?”

现在，这天的海水不仅冰冷，而且波涛汹涌——海浪高达六到八英尺。我以前从未冲浪过，一点儿也没有。如果我答应，我可能会蒙受羞辱。“下次吧，”我说。“我没有泳衣。”

Now, the water on this day isn’t just frigid, but rough—six- to eight-foot seas. I haven’t surfed before, not even a little bit. If I say yes, I’ll open myself up to likely humiliation. “Some other time,” I say. “I don’t have a bathing suit.”

“你穿着内裤吗？”孩子说。

“You have underwear on?” the kid says.

“嗯，是的。”

“Well, yeah.”

“进去吧。”

“Go in that.”

我转身背对女孩们，脱下衣服，只剩内衣，跳进水里。我抓起一块冲浪板，把绳子绑在脚踝上，然后跳入水中。除了冰冷刺骨之外，水面还波涛汹涌——海浪冲击着我，把我打得东倒西歪。我勉强能游出三十英尺，甚至觉得自己可能会淹死在浅水里。我知道，在这些女孩面前，我笨手笨脚，很丢脸。最后，一个男人游过来把我拖了出来，让我更加尴尬。

Turning away from the girls, I strip down to my underwear and make for the water. I grab a board, strap on its leash to my ankle, and hit the water. In addition to being freezing cold, it’s rough as heck—the waves slam into me, knocking me around. I can barely make it out thirty feet, and I even feel like I might drown in the shallow water. I know that in my awkwardness I’m humiliating myself in front of these girls. Finally, one of the guys swims over and tows me out, causing me even more embarrassment.

更远的地方，海浪比房子还大。我根本不应该在那里。但在其他人的怂恿下，我划向海浪。我设法站起来，但只是一秒钟，就失去了平衡。翻腾的海水冲击着我，把我重重地摔在沙洲上。当我设法浮出水面时，我喘着粗气，找不到内衣——海浪和沙洲的结合把它从我身上撕了下来。我四处寻找我的冲浪板，发现它被摔成了碎片。所以，想象一下我现在不得不赤身裸体、冰冷、苍白地走过那些我一直想打动的女孩们，这是多么丢脸的举动。

Farther out, the waves are coming in bigger than a house. There is no way I should be out there. But, egged on by the other guys, I paddle for a wave. I manage to stand up, but just for a second, before losing my balance. The churning water pummels me and smashes me down hard on a sandbar. When I manage to surface, I’m gasping and can’t find my underwear—the combination of wave and sandbar has ripped it off me. I look around for my board and find it smashed to pieces. So, picture me now having to make the walk of shame, buck naked, freezing cold, pasty white, past all of those girls I’ve been trying to impress.

这是一次史诗般的失败——我不仅被羞辱，还因为冷水而得了肺炎。我让这种不愉快的情况发生有两个原因。首先，我是一个充满雄性激素的青少年，没有朋友，却渴望交朋友。但第二，同样糟糕的是，我完全没有意识到自己的沟通倾向。作为一个喜欢主导、咄咄逼人的沟通方式的人，我倾向于很好地应对挑战。如果有人敢让我做某事，我就会上钩接受挑战。说服我跳入水中的那个人敢于挑战我——他暗示我“足够坚强”，还是我胆小？如果他以更安静的方式问我，我可能不会进去。如果他提出挑战，如果我足够了解自己，知道自己容易受到这种诱惑的影响，我可能也不会进去——我会做出更明智的决定，找到拒绝邀请的方法。由于我完全缺乏自我意识，这个男人竟然能够激起我的积极反应。我付出了代价。

It was an epic fail—not only was I humiliated, but I wound up catching pneumonia from the cold water. I allowed this unpleasant situation to unfold for two reasons. First, I was a testosterone-laden teenager who didn’t have any friends and was eager to make them. But second, and just as bad, I lacked any sense at all of my own communications proclivities. As someone who favors a dominant, aggressive style of communicating, I tend to respond well to challenges. If someone dares me to do something, I’m going to take the bait and accept the challenge. The guy who convinced me to jump into the water dared me—was I “tough enough,” he implied, or was I a wimp? If he had asked me in a quieter way, I probably wouldn’t have gone in. If he had levied the challenge, and if I understood myself well enough to know that I was susceptible to that kind of appeal, I also probably wouldn’t have gone in—I would have made a smarter decision and found a way to decline the invitation. Since I utterly lacked self-awareness, this other guy was able to trigger a favorable response in me. I paid the price.

四种类型的沟通者

Four Types of Communicators

当我培训人们成为安全专家时，我会向他们介绍一种经典的心理分析工具 DISC，他们可以使用它分析自己的沟通行为，并在对话前和对话中运用它快速判断其他人喜欢的沟通方式。尽管 DISC 既有支持者也有批评者，但许多公司在招聘员工和组建团队时都会使用它，牙科等专业领域的专家也提倡使用它。3理由很充分：研究表明 DISC 既可靠又有用，可以提高人们的表现并使工作场所的互动更容易。4我的学生和我都同意这一点。当谈到职业和日常生活中的人类黑客行为时，DISC 是无价的，甚至是变革性的，无论它可能存在什么缺陷或局限性。

When I train people to become security experts, I introduce them to a classic psychological profiling tool called DISC, which they can use to analyze their own communications behavior, and which they can deploy before and during conversations to quickly size up how others prefer to communicate as well. Although DISC has both fans and critics, many companies use it when hiring employees and assembling teams, and experts in professional fields like dentistry have advocated for its use as well.3 There’s a good reason: research suggests that DISC is both reliable and helpful, increasing people’s performance and making workplace interactions easier.4 My students and I agree. When it comes to the hacking of humans, both professionally and in everyday life, DISC is invaluable and even transformative, regardless of whatever imperfections or limitations it might have.

DISC 是基于心理学家威廉·莫尔顿·马斯顿的开创性工作，他在 20 世纪 20 年代提出了这样一种观点，即我们可以根据人们表达情绪的方式将他们分为四种不同的“类型”。此后，五代心理学家根据马斯顿的模型开发并商业化了测试，人们可以通过这些测试来确定哪种类型最能描述他们。我的团队购买了这样一种测试，并将其纳入我们教授的社会工程课程中，让我们的学生获得对他们沟通方式的科学有效评估。正如我告诉我的学生，DISC 不是像更著名的迈尔斯-布里格斯评估那样的性格测试。相反，它帮助我们了解我们的沟通倾向，这可能反映了我们性格的元素。（毕竟，我们的性格不仅仅是由我们的自我表达来定义的。它们包括我们其他类型的行为，以及我们如何理解世界。）

DISC is based on the pioneering work of the psychologist William Moulton Marston, who, during the 1920s, came up with the idea that we can separate people into four distinct “types” based on how they tend to express their emotions.5 Generations of psychologists have since developed and commercialized tests based on Marston’s model that people can take to determine which type best describes them. My team buys one such test and incorporates it into the social engineering courses we teach, allowing our students to obtain a scientifically valid assessment of how they communicate. As I tell my students, DISC isn’t a personality test like the better-known Myers-Briggs assessment. Rather, it helps us understand our communications tendencies, which might reflect elements of our personalities. (Our personalities, after all, are defined by way more than our self-expression. They encompass other kinds of behavior on our part, as well as how we make sense of the world.)

我无法重现本书中使用的具体测试（我们的提供商会起诉我！），但我可以利用我的常识来告诉你 DISC 的要点。这应该足以帮助你更好地了解你如何沟通以及如何更好地与他人互动。特别是，让我们仔细看看这四种类型，以便你可以开始看到你和你周围的人如何映射到他们身上。我要首先强调的是，DISC 模型是价值中立的。这四种类型中没有一种比其他类型更好或更差。你不会因为你的交流符合既定模式而更聪明、更熟练或拥有一套特定的价值观。你只是以一种有优点和缺点的特定方式进行交流，这取决于社交环境和你与之互动的人。

I can’t reproduce the specific test we use in this book (our provider would sue me!), but I can draw on my general knowledge to give you the gist of DISC. That should be enough to help you understand better how you communicate and how you might better interact with others. In particular, let’s take a closer look at those four types, so that you can begin to see how you and others around you might map onto them. I’ll emphasize right up front that the DISC model is value neutral. No one type among the four is better or worse than any other. You’re not smarter or more skilled or possessed of a certain set of values just because your communications fall into a given pattern. You just communicate in a specific way that has advantages and drawbacks, depending on the social context and the people with whom you’re interacting.

有些人属于支配型 (D) 类型，他们自信且注重最终结果。其他人则以影响他人 (I) 为导向，他们是热情、乐观的合作者。第三组人以稳重型 (S) 而闻名，他们真诚、冷静且支持他人。最后，您属于尽责型 (C)，像我的助手 Shayna 这样的人以有条理和务实而闻名。“D”和“I”类型的人倾向于更直接的沟通方式，而“C”和“S”类型的人则倾向于间接风格。“I”或“S”类型的人往往更注重与人沟通，而“D”和“C”类型的人更注重在沟通中完成任务。

Some people are Dominant (D) types—they’re confident and focused on bottom-line results. Others are oriented around Influencing others (I)—they’re enthusiastic, optimistic collaborators. A third group of people are known for their Steadiness (S)—they’re sincere, calm, and supportive of others. Finally, you have your Conscientious types (C), people like my assistant Shayna who are known for being organized and very factual. “D”s and “I”s tend to favor more direct communications styles, while “C” and “S” types favor indirect styles. Individuals who are “I” or “S” tend to focus on connecting with people more, while “D” and “C” types are more focused on getting things done in their communications.

为了帮助人们理解这四种类型，我发现将它们与名人联系起来会有所帮助。美食家们一定对名厨和电视名人戈登·拉姆齐很熟悉。现在，那家伙绝对是“D”型人：他直率、敏锐、有力、专注于任务——这还只是轻描淡写。（哦，我多么喜欢那个家伙！）有时，“D”型人似乎不在乎别人和他们的感受。这不一定是真的——他们可能非常在乎，但他们过于关注结果，以至于在与他人互动时，其他考虑因素逐渐被淡化。他们给人的印象是过于严厉、严厉、唐突、咄咄逼人或专横，尤其是在压力大的情况下。其他表现出强烈“D”倾向的名人包括电视节目《美国偶像》中的西蒙·考威尔、 CNBC 名人吉姆·克莱默和前通用电气首席执行官杰克·韦尔奇。在职场上，支配型人格倾向于担任领导和管理角色，即可以管理他人的职业。

To help people understand these four types, I find that it helps to connect them with celebrities. Foodies out there will be familiar with celebrity chef and television personality Gordon Ramsay. Now, that dude is definitely a “D” kind of person: he’s direct, sharp, forceful, task focused—and that’s putting it mildly. (Oh, how I love that guy!) At times, “D” people seem to not care about others and their feelings. That’s not necessarily true—they might care very much, but they focus so much on results that other considerations fade into the background as they interact with others. They come across as overly harsh, severe, abrupt, pushy, or domineering, especially in stressful situations. Other celebrities who exhibit strong “D” tendencies are Simon Cowell from the TV show American Idol, CNBC personality Jim Cramer, and former GE CEO Jack Welch. In the workplace, Dominant types tend to gravitate toward leadership and managerial roles—careers in which they can be in charge of others.

典型的影响者类型可能是像前总统比尔·克林顿这样的人。他天生善于与人打交道——富有表现力、热情洋溢——影响者往往如此。他们喜欢成为关注的焦点。如果你没有被他们的故事逗笑，没有享受其中，那一定是出了问题。影响者也喜欢谈论自己，他们往往以引人注目的方式谈论自己（例如，大声说话或以生动的方式说话）。其他我认为属于影响者的知名人士包括吉米·法伦（以及许多其他电视主持人）、蒂娜·菲（以及许多其他喜剧演员）以及我在工作期间遇到的相当多的销售人员。许多励志演说家、教师和法庭律师也是天生的“I”型。然而，“I”型有时很难与某些类型的人建立联系。有时，影响者过于热情和外向，以至于他们看起来虚伪、肤浅或操纵，更不用说自负了。对于其他非“我”型的人来说，他们可能显得冲动或过度，说话过于随意，太快地向你抛出太多信息或情感。而且由于“我”型的人非常开朗，他们往往显得过于乐观。

The prototypical Influencer type might be someone like former president Bill Clinton. He is a natural with people—expressive, exuberant—as Influencers tend to be. They love to be the center of attention. If you’re not laughing at their stories and enjoying yourself, there’s something wrong. Influencers also like to talk about themselves, and they tend to do it in ways that get them noticed (by speaking loudly or in an animated fashion, for instance). Other well-known people whom I’d classify as Influencers include Jimmy Fallon (and a good number of other television hosts), Tina Fey (and many other comedians), and quite a number of salespeople I’ve met during my time. Many motivational speakers, teachers, and courtroom attorneys are also natural “I” types. And yet, “I”s can sometimes struggle to connect with certain types of people. Sometimes Influencers are so enthusiastic and outgoing that they seem fake, superficial, or manipulative, not to mention egotistical. To other non-“I”s, they might come across as impulsive or excessive, speaking too spontaneously and throwing too much information or emotion at you too quickly. And because they’re so cheery, “I”s can often seem overly optimistic.

像汤姆·汉克斯或休·杰克曼这样的演员都是稳重的“S”型人格。和影响者一样，他们以人为本，但他们往往表现得更安静，远离聚光灯，而是充当支持者或僚机。他们乐于看到别人发光，他们也倾向于谈论生活中的其他人。许多扮演帮助角色的人——护士、治疗师、教师、辅导员——往往是“S”型人格。他们给人的印象是随和、可靠和乐于助人——他们是团队中愿意为你牺牲的人。他们的目标是让每个人都成功，他们很高兴有团队获得赞誉并为自己所做的事感到自豪，而不仅仅是他们自己。但由于他们退缩得太厉害，“S”型人格的人也会给人一种冷漠和迟钝的印象。他们不喜欢惹是生非，所以有时他们看起来很固执，不愿意改变。他们也可能显得过于消极被动。你知道他们有某种感觉，但他们只是没有说出来。

Actors like Tom Hanks or Hugh Jackman are steady “S” types. Like Influencers, they’re people-oriented, but they tend to exude a quieter presence, standing out of the limelight and serving instead as supporters or wing people. They’re happy for others to shine, and they tend to talk about others in their lives. Many people in helping roles—nurses, therapists, teachers, counselors—tend to be “S” types. They come across as agreeable, reliable, and accommodating—the person on your team who would fall on their sword for you. Their goal is for everyone to succeed, and they take pleasure in having the team get credit and feel good about what they’ve done, not just them. But because they stand back so much, “S”s also can come across as apathetic and slow. They don’t like to rock the boat, so at times they can seem stubborn and unwilling to change. They can also appear overly passive-aggressive. You know they’re feeling something, but they just aren’t coming out and saying it.

最后一种 DISC 类型，尽责型，或“C”，往往更为内敛，但也更注重细节。像梅格·瑞恩这样非常注重隐私并声称讨厌聚光灯的女演员可能就是“C”，而像作家 JD Salinger 或 Harper Lee 这样的著名隐居者也可能是“C”。尽责型的人行事谨慎，而且在沟通方面也往往井然有序、有条不紊。“C”型人可能自然而然地倾向于从事会计师、研究人员、医生或飞行员等职业，因为这些角色会奖励那些关注细节并专注于完成手头任务的人。挑战：“C”型人可能给人以书呆子、冷漠、尴尬、疏远或难以理解的印象。如果你问他们一个问题，而他们恰好不喜欢细节，他们可能会用冗长的答案让你厌烦，给你的信息远远超过你认为需要的，因为他们沉迷于细节。他们可能会在需要自发披露信息的快速变化的情况下，或在对他人的开放和自发性是一种优势的情况下感到挣扎。

The final DISC type, Conscientious, or “C,” tends to be more reserved, but also more detail oriented. An actress like Meg Ryan, who is very private and has professed to hate the spotlight, might be a “C,” and famous recluses like the authors J. D. Salinger or Harper Lee might have been, too. Conscientious types are discreet, and they also tend to be orderly and methodical in how they communicate. “C” types might naturally gravitate toward careers as accountants, researchers, doctors, or pilots, since these roles reward people who attend to the details and remain oriented to completing the task at hand. The challenge: “C” types can come across as nerdy, aloof, awkward, distant, or hard to know. If you ask them a question and don’t happen to like detail, they might bore you with a long-winded answer, giving you way more information than you feel you need, because they revel in the details. They might struggle in fast-moving situations that require spontaneous disclosure of information, or situations when openness and spontaneity with others is a plus.

在描述这些类型时，我大致概括了人们以及他们与他人的互动方式。事实上，我们所有人都在不同程度上表现出这四种沟通行为。当我说我是“D”型人格时，我的意思是支配特征往往在我身上表现得最强烈。我也有一些“I”和“C”特征，但它们不那么明显，而且我在“S”特征上真的很弱，但它仍然存在。此外，我们往往会根据所处的情况或多或少地表现出这些特征。给人留下最强烈印象的是外向的“I”型人格的人可能会在鸡尾酒会等公共场合表现出这些特征。让他们和家人在一起，其他行为可能会出现，即使他们的交流总体上仍然相当强烈地停留在“我”的领域。

In describing these types, I’m broadly generalizing about people and how they interact with others. In truth, all of us express all four of these communication behaviors to varying degrees. When I say I’m a “D,” what I mean is Dominance traits tend to come out most strongly in me. I also have some “I” and “C” traits, but they’re not as pronounced, and I’m really weak on the “S” trait, but it’s still there. Also, we tend to bring out more or less of these traits depending on the situations we’re in. Someone who comes across most strongly as an extroverted “I” type might express those traits in a public setting like a cocktail party. Get them with their family, and other behavior might emerge, even if their communications overall still remain pretty strongly in “I” territory.

开始你的 DISC

Get Your DISC On

当我教授 DISC 时，学生们经常急于将它应用到他们周围的其他人身上——他们的配偶、老板等等。“哇，冷静下来，”我告诉他们。“让我们先用它来了解你，因为这会让你在每天遇到的社交场合中变得更加强大。”

When I teach DISC, students often rush to apply it to others around them—their spouses, bosses, and so on. “Whoa, calm down,” I tell them. “Let’s first use this to figure out YOU, because that’s going to let you become much more powerful in the social situations you encounter each day.”

现在我邀请你做以下练习：

I invite you now to perform the following exercise:

当你了解了你的主要沟通风格的优点和缺点后，要特别注意缺点。你的风格什么时候可能会疏远那些你原本希望吸引或亲近的人？下面是另一个可以尝试的练习：

As you understand the strengths and weaknesses of your primary communications style, pay special attention to the weaknesses. When might your style risk alienating others that you might otherwise wish to attract or feel close to? Here’s another exercise to try:

当你适应了社交方式后，下一步就是对自己的行为施加更多的控制。了解了自己惹恼他人的倾向，你就可以努力软化这些“粗鲁的棱角”。作为“D”，我知道我经常对人过于直接和粗鲁。过去，当我收到一封让我心烦意乱的电子邮件时，我倾向于反击并告诉发件人我的真实想法。这种行为激怒了人们，这意味着他们不太愿意接受我的要求，并且在情感上与我疏远。每次收到一封具有挑战性的电子邮件时，我都会挑战自己休息一下。“克里斯，”我告诉自己，“站起来走开。”这种方法对我没有用——我最终对这封电子邮件感到不安。所以我尝试了另一种方法：当我收到那封具有挑战性的电子邮件时，我让自己写下我想在愤怒时刻写的电子邮件回复，但随后我告诉自己在点击发送之前走开。这种方法很有效：我宣泄了自己的情绪，但我没有用典型的“D”式方式回应。休息后，当我重新阅读要发送的电子邮件时，我通常会发现自己已经修改了 90% 的内容。

As you become attuned to how you operate socially, the next step is to exert more control over your behavior. Understanding tendencies of yours that rub others wrong, you can work on softening those “rough edges.” As a “D” I know I’m often overly direct and abrupt with people. In the past, when I received an email that upset me, I tended to fire back and tell the sender what I really thought. That behavior ticked people off, which meant that they were less inclined to go along with my requests and felt more distanced from me emotionally. I challenged myself to take a breather every time I received a challenging email. “Chris,” I told myself, “get up and walk away.” That technique didn’t work for me—I wound up stewing about the email. So I tried something else: when I received that challenging email, I let myself write the email response I wanted to write in my moment of anger, but then I told myself to walk away before clicking send. That worked: I got my emotions off my chest, but I didn’t respond in a stereotypically “D” kind of way. After my break, when I reread the email I was going to send, I usually found myself editing 90 percent of it.

我对其他沟通方式的人的建议是类似的：找到一种方法来摆脱任何情绪反应触发你的情绪，避免你会自动恢复到基本的沟通行为。如果你是影响者类型，你可能会因为在谈话过程中谈论太多自己而疏远别人——你的感受、你的想法、你的反应。为了消除这种“粗糙的边缘”，退后一步，然后挑战自己让别人多说话，并练习积极倾听。抵制思考接下来要说什么的冲动，重新关注（如有必要，反复关注）别人的谈话。如果你是与他人面对面或通过电话交谈，而不是通过短信或电子邮件，你可能要做的不仅仅是走开。向对方解释你需要几分钟来冷静下来或休息一下，然后你会很乐意继续谈话。

My advice for people with other communications profiles would be similar: find a way to get outside any emotional response that is triggered in you, and to avoid the baseline communications behavior to which you’ll automatically revert. If you’re an Influencer type, you might wind up alienating others by talking too much about yourself in the course of a conversation—how you feel, what you think, how you reacted. To smooth out this “rough edge,” take a step back, and then challenge yourself to let others talk more and to practice active listening. Resist the urge to think about what you’ll say next, and refocus yourself (repeatedly, if necessary) on what others are saying. If you’re speaking in person or on the phone with another person instead of via text or email, you might have to do more than simply walk away. Explain to the other person that you need a few moments to calm down or take a break, and that you’ll then be happy to continue the conversation.

如果您倾向于按照稳定型人格行事，消极被动的反应可能会带来问题。下次与生活中的某人发生冲突时，请退后一步，像“I”型人格一样练习积极倾听，但要专注于理解对方的观点，而不是赢得争论。“S”型人格非常以人为本，因此当有人向他们提出问题时，他们往往会感到不安。他们很难不做出防御性反应，因此他们经常无法理解他人的观点。专注于超越自己的情绪反应，将自己置于对方的立场，真正“理解”他们所说的话。

If you tend to behave along the lines of a Steady type, passive-aggressive responses might pose a problem. The next time conflict arises with someone in your life, step back and practice active listening just as an “I” type of person might but focus on understanding the other person’s viewpoint rather than winning the argument. “S” types are extremely people oriented, so they tend to find it disturbing when someone raises an issue with them. It’s hard for them not to react defensively, and as a result they often can’t process another person’s perspective. Focus on stepping past your emotional response, putting yourself in the other person’s position, and really “getting” what they’re saying.

如果你是尽责型的人，并且与他人发生冲突，你会忍不住要用一百万个理由来抨击对方，说明他们做的事情很糟糕。如果你把所有的理由都说出来，你就会凭借逻辑的力量赢得争论。如果你在面对面或电话中进行实时对话，请挑战自己休息几分钟，摆脱情绪。回到谈话中时，专注于积极倾听而不是说话。如果你发现自己在重复事实，请停下来，深呼吸，然后再次集中精力倾听。如果你发现自己在电子邮件或短信中重复事实，也请同样注意。

If you’re a Conscientious type and you’re in a confrontation with someone else, you’re going to feel tempted to blast the other person with a million and one reasons why what they did sucked. If you lay it all out there, you presume, you’ll win the argument by sheer force of logic. If you’re in a real-time conversation either in person or on the phone, challenge yourself to take a break for a few minutes to get outside of the emotion. Upon returning to the conversation, focus on actively listening rather than talking. If you find yourself resorting to a litany of facts, stop, take a breath, and focus on listening once again. Ditto if you find yourself spewing a litany of facts into an email or text.

这里的重点是养成思考你主要沟通方式的弱点的习惯，这样你就可以持续不断地纠正它们。你想在社交场合表现得更谨慎，你想达到自动这样做的程度。这需要时间和练习。这就像学习一门外语：你必须连续数周甚至更长时间每天专注于它。但成为人类黑客大师需要的不仅仅是这些。

The point here is to make a habit of thinking about the weaknesses of your dominant communications style, so that you can correct for them consistently and in the moment. You want to behave more mindfully in social situations, and you want to get to the point where you’re doing it automatically. That takes time and practice. It’s like learning a foreign language: you must focus on it daily for weeks on end, maybe longer. But becoming a master hacker of humans requires nothing less.

将 DISC 提升到新水平

Taking DISC to the Next Level

一旦你更好地掌握了自己的沟通倾向，你就可以进一步改善自己的行为，将 DISC 应用于其他人，并调整自己的沟通方式以更好地满足他们的需求。当你即将进行一次重要的谈话，或者你需要给某人写一封重要的电子邮件或信件时，请提前做好准备通过创建该人的 DISC 档案。我让公司的每一位员工在入职时都接受正式的 DISC 评估，并将这些评估结果提供给所有人查看。在与员工进行重要谈话之前，我会查看他们的档案，并在此基础上制定谈话策略。你可以对你生活中的关键人物做类似的事情。根据上面提供的 DISC 描述和本书末尾提供的 DISC 工作表，在进行重要谈话之前坐下来思考这个人——无论是你的配偶、你的青少年、你的团队成员还是你的房东——倾向于如何沟通。浏览这四种类型——你能或多或少地确定其中一种是该人的主导类型吗？

Once you’ve got a better handle on your own communications tendencies, you can enhance your behavior further by applying DISC to other people and adjusting your own communications to better match their needs. When you’re about to have a significant conversation, or if you need to write someone an important email or letter, prepare in advance by creating a DISC profile of that person. I have every member of my company take a formal DISC assessment when they come on board, and I make these available for everyone to see. Before a big conversation with an employee, I’ll look up their profile and on that basis generate a strategy for the conversation. You can do something similar for key people in your life. Based on the description of DISC provided above and the DISC worksheet provided at the end of this book, sit down before your big conversation and think about how the person—whether it’s your spouse, your teenager, someone on your team, your landlord—tends to communicate. Run through the four types—can you more or less identify one of them as that person’s dominant type?

一旦你这样做了，使用 DISC 备忘单更仔细地思考对方及其倾向和需求。你不想以与“S”交谈的方式与“D”交谈。“D”希望 你直接与他们交谈并关注结果，而“S”希望你尝试与他们相处并以更轻松、随和的方式认可他们。由于你提前准备，你可以在考虑这种差异的情况下精心设计你要说的话。如果你计划与“S”交谈，请确保你提到一些你认为他们很重要的原因（当然是真实的）。慢慢来——不要急于直奔主题。不要太激动或激动地提出你的论点。仔细倾听他们说的话并验证它。DISC 备忘单提供了关于属于每种类型的人希望从社交互动中获得什么、他们倾向于如何交流、你如何最好地与他们交流以及如何帮助他们更好地与你交流的建议。

Once you do, use the DISC Cheat Sheet to think more closely about the other person and his or her inclinations and needs. You don’t want to speak to a “D,” say, in the same way as you would an “S.” A “D” wants you to speak directly to them and to focus on results, while an “S” wants you to try to get along with them and validate them in a more relaxed, easygoing way. Since you’re preparing in advance, you can craft what you’ll say with this difference in mind. If you’re planning a conversation with an “S,” make sure you mention some reasons (truthful, of course) why you think they’re important. Take your time with the conversation—don’t rush to get straight to the point. Don’t get too excited or impassioned in making your argument. Listen carefully to what they say and validate it. The DISC Cheat Sheet provides advice about what people falling into each type want out of social interactions, how they tend to communicate, how you can best communicate with them, and how you can help them communicate better with you.

你不必等到重要谈话后再进行 DISC 分析。当我的学生 Brannon 在 2013 年上我的课时，他从未听说过 DISC。当他阅读自己的个人资料时，他发现自己起了鸡皮疙瘩，而且据他回忆，“我很震惊，因为里面有些事情我还没准备好承认我自己。”环顾房间，他看到“一个人接一个人，一排接一排，对测试结果的反应完全一样。这真是令人震惊，几乎是一种超现实的体验。”得知自己被评为“D”型和“I”型后，他意识到自己一生都是“瓷器店里的公牛”。

You don’t have to wait for a big conversation before performing a DISC analysis. When my student Brannon took my course in 2013, he had never heard of DISC. He found himself getting goose bumps as he read through his own profile, and was, as he remembers, “shocked because there were things in there that I wasn’t prepared to admit to myself.” Looking around the room, he saw “person after person, row after row, having the exact same reaction to their test results. It was really astounding, an almost surreal experience.” Learning that he rated strongly for the “D” and “I” types, he realized that he had been “a bull in a china shop” for his entire life.

当时，布兰农的婚姻出现了问题——他和妻子经常吵架，生对方的气。在了解了 DISC 之后，他意识到妻子的性格与他不同——她属于非常强势的“S”型人格。在讨论这个问题时，他们意识到，他们不同的沟通风格是造成他们冲突的很大一部分原因。作为“S”型人格，他的妻子倾向于避免直接对抗，而布兰农则喜欢这样做。当出现问题时，她只想要和平，而他则想一直谈论这个问题，直到他们达成某种解决方案。了解她的沟通风格让布兰农能够发现，在哪些情况下，最好让妻子结束对话，而不是一直坚持下去，直到他心里认为“结束”为止。布兰农和他的妻子最终分手了，但了解彼此的性格让他们在共同抚养孩子时相处得更好。“现在我们可以更客观地谈论我做了什么让她生气的事情，”布兰农说，“以及她做了什么让我生气的事情。它让生活变得更轻松。”

At the time, Brannon was having trouble with his marriage—he and his wife were constantly arguing and angry at one another. Learning about DISC, he realized that his wife had a different profile than he did—she was a very strong “S” type. Talking about it together, they realized that their differing communications styles accounted for a good part of their conflict. As an “S,” his wife tended to shrink away from direct confrontation, while Brannon favored it. When issues arose, she just wanted peace, while he wanted to talk the issue to death until they reached some sort of resolution. Understanding her communications style allowed Brannon to spot occasions when it was better to let his wife cut a conversation short instead of pushing through until it was “over” in his mind. Brannon and his wife eventually split up, but understanding one another’s profiles has allowed them to get along better as they co-parent their kids. “Now we can talk more objectively about the things I’m doing to tick her off,” Brannon says, “and the things she’s doing to tick me off. It makes life easier.”

在与不太熟悉的人或初次见面的人打交道时，应用 DISC 也能帮到你。在使用 DISC 时，你可能会发现自己的行为“看起来像是‘C’会做的事情”或“非常像‘我’”。不，你不是在进行科学分析。是的，你得出了一个肤浅的结论。但肤浅的结论虽然经常被证明是错误的，但有时是正确的。当你与不太熟悉的人打交道时，肤浅的结论总比对这些人一无所知要好。至少你有一些东西可以继续，即使你最终不得不在中途调整你的行为了解更多关于他们以及他们喜欢的沟通行为类型。请参阅 DISC 备忘单，获取一些关于如何在“自然界”发现符合四种类型的人的快速提示。

Applying DISC can also help you when you’re dealing with people you don’t know all that well, or whom you’re encountering for the first time. As you work with DISC, you might find yourself spotting behavior that “seems like something a ‘C’ would do” or that is “very ‘I’-like.” No, you’re not performing a scientific analysis. Yes, you’re coming to a superficial conclusion. But superficial conclusions, while they can often prove wrong, are sometimes correct. When you’re dealing with people you don’t know well, a superficial conclusion is better than having no insight into those individuals. At least you have something to go on, even if you wind up having to adjust your behavior midstream as you discover more about them and the kinds of communications behavior they prefer. See the DISC Cheat Sheet for some quick pointers on how to spot people matching the four types “in the wild.”

通过练习，你可以熟练地快速对遇到的人进行分类，并相应地调整你的言语和行为。为了使其成为第二天性，首先在对话后立即记下笔记。考虑到对方说了什么或做了什么，你如何才能最好地对他们进行分类？他们是否使用了很多细节？他们是否直接？他们是否经常谈论自己？他们是否将注意力集中在他人身上，而忽略了自己？等等。再次强调——我再怎么强调也不为过——积极倾听非常重要。当你第一次开始接触 DISC 时，不要想着在谈话中对某人进行分类。尽可能专心地倾听，吸收一切，真正投入到你听到的内容中。谈话结束后，花点时间回忆你听到的内容，趁它还新鲜的时候分析它。随着时间的推移，你会发现你不需要这额外的几分钟的思考——你会在谈话结束时自然而然地在脑海中进行分析。随着练习的增多，你会发现自己在谈话过程中会立即无意识地这样做，甚至在积极倾听的时候也是如此。

With practice, you can become adept at quickly classifying people you meet and adapting your speech and action accordingly. To make it second nature, start by jotting down notes immediately after conversations. Given what the other person said or did, how might you best classify them? Did they use a lot of detail? Were they direct? Did they talk about themselves a lot? Did they direct attention toward others, to the exclusion of themselves? And so on. Again—I can’t emphasize it enough—active listening is so important. When you first start dabbling with DISC, don’t think about classifying someone during a conversation. Listen as intently as possible, soaking everything up, really engaging with what you hear. Once the conversation is over, take a few moments to recall what you heard and analyze it while it is still fresh. Over time, you’ll find that you don’t need this extra few minutes of deliberation—you’ll naturally perform the analysis in your mind at the conclusion of the conversation. And with even more practice, you’ll find yourself instantly and unconsciously doing it during the conversation, even as you actively listen.

想象一下，当你接近某人时，你能够立即知道什么更可能引起他们的共鸣，什么不会。你的快速分析可能不准确，但即使你只有 20% 或 30% 的时间正确评估，也会有很大的不同。我已经达到了这样的程度，在与某人见面的几秒钟内，我就能至少在一定程度上准确地判断出他的沟通特征。当我走近一家公司总部的前台，试图打断他说话时，我会根据接待员的问候方式、桌子上的照片类型、他们的肢体语言等，想出一套关于接待员类型的理论，然后据此制定自己的行为和言语。这真是太神奇了——如果我在网上搜索过，我的判断会更加准确。提前检查并查看了接待员的社交媒体帖子。这让我想到了我们的下一个练习。

Imagine being able to approach someone and know immediately what is more likely to resonate with them, and what isn’t. Your quick analysis might be off, but even if you assess correctly 20 or 30 percent of the time, that makes a big difference. I’ve gotten to the point where I can determine a person’s communications profile with at least some degree of accuracy within seconds of meeting them. When I’m approaching the reception desk of a corporate headquarters and trying to break in, I concoct a running theory of the receptionist’s type based on how they greet me, what kinds of pictures are on their desk, their body language, and so on, and I frame what I do and say accordingly. It’s quite amazing—and I’m even more accurate if I have gone online in advance and reviewed the receptionist’s social media postings. Which brings me to our next exercise.

您可以尝试以下另一项练习：

And here’s another exercise you might try:

概括

Summary

中国哲学家、道教创始人老子曾说过：“知人者智，自知者明。” 6本章讲的是明和智：更好地了解自己，以及你感兴趣的人。我认为你会发现，通信分析在充分发展后会非常强大，可以支撑你为黑客攻击人类所做的一切。虽然大多数坏人可能不使用 DISC，但他们确实会使用自己的快速而粗略的分析方法来选择受害者并实施攻击。众所周知，恐怖分子网络会搜索 Twitter 或 Facebook 等社交媒体平台，寻找对西方政府表示敌意的人。他们特别寻找那些感到某种幻灭和沮丧，并且可能怀有特定情感倾向的人。极端分子会根据情况量身定制他们所说的内容和表达方式，以引诱这些人。年轻人很容易受到攻击，因为他们不知道他们遇到的看似富有同情心的人有多老练。

Lao Tzu, the Chinese philosopher and founder of Taoism, once said, “He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened.”6 This chapter has been about being both enlightened and wise: knowing yourself better, and also your people of interest. As I think you’ll find, communications profiling is amazingly powerful when it’s fully developed, underpinning anything else you do to hack humans. Although most bad guys probably don’t use DISC, they do use their own versions of quick-and-dirty profiling to choose their victims and make their approach. Terrorist networks are known to scrape social media platforms like Twitter or Facebook, searching for people who are expressing hostility toward Western governments. In particular, they’re looking for individuals who feel a certain type of disillusionment and frustration, and who likely harbor a specific set of emotional tendencies. The extremists tailor what they say and how they say it to lure these people in. Young people become vulnerable, as they have no idea of the sophistication of the seemingly sympathetic people they’re encountering.

你可以将分析法用在好的方面，用它来改善你的人际关系和互动质量。从本质上讲，分析法之所以有效，是因为无论我们是在对自己还是对他人进行分类，我们都将注意力从社交活动中通常关注的地方（我们自己、我们的需求、我们的欲望）转移到了应该关注的地方：其他人身上。我们正在努力（也许是我们一生中第一次）深入思考他人以及他们如何 接近和体验对话。我们正在培养对他人同理心，这样我们就可以开始按照他们的方式与他们建立联系，而不仅仅是按照我们的方式。

You can use profiling for good, deploying it to improve the quality of your relationships and interactions. In essence, profiling works because whether we’re classifying ourselves or others, we’re directing attention away from where it usually is during social encounters—on ourselves, our needs, our desires—and onto where it should be: onto other people. We’re trying hard—maybe for the first time in our lives—to think deeply about others and how they’re approaching and experiencing a conversation. We’re developing empathy for other people, so that we can begin to connect with them on their terms, not just ours.

同情心确实是人类黑客攻击的基础，但正如我们将看到的，它远远超出了分析的范围。骗子、安全专家和其他人类职业黑客从一开始就利用同情心来组织对话，以便受害者更有可能做他们想做的事情。如果你正坐在办公桌前工作，一个陌生人打电话给你说：“你不认识我，但我想让你把五百美元汇到以下账号，”你不会这么做的。但如果来电者自称是你的能源公司的代表，说你的账单已经过期，如果你不在一小时内支付五百美元，你的服务就会被切断，你可能会这样做（如果你看了你的来电显示和来电，你可能会更有可能这样做）。似乎来自您的能源公司的电话号码）。这种骗局非常常见，7它之所以有效，是因为许多人一想到断电就会感到焦虑。骗子知道这一点——他们已经实现了同理心——并将这种洞察力发展成与您交谈的令人信服的“借口”。相反，如果您没有掌握我们所谓的“开始的艺术”，就很难赢得朋友、影响他人并得到您想要的东西。让我们来探索如何更有意识地开始对话，这样您就可以在人们中唤起积极的情感反应，让他们想与您进一步交流。

Empathy truly is fundamental to human hacking, but as we’ll see, it goes far beyond profiling. Con men, security experts, and other professional hackers of humans draw on empathy to frame conversations from the very outset so that their victims are more likely to do what they want. If you’re sitting at your desk working, and a stranger calls you up and says, “You don’t know me, but I want you to wire five hundred dollars to the following account number,” you’re not going to do it. But if a caller identifies himself as a representative of your energy company, says that your bill is past due and that your service will be cut off if you don’t pay five hundred dollars within an hour, you just might (and even more so if you looked at your caller ID and the call seemed to be coming from your energy company’s number). This scam is extremely common,7 and it works because many people feel anxious at the thought of losing their power. The scammers know this—they’ve made that empathetic leap—and have developed that insight into a compelling “pretext” for holding a conversation with you. Conversely, it’s very difficult to win friends, influence people, and get what you want if you haven’t mastered what we might call “the art of the start.” Let’s explore how to initiate conversations more deliberately, so that you’re evoking positive emotional responses in people that will make them want to engage further with you.

借口与犯罪心理

Pretexting and the Criminal Mind

借口是一种为谈话创造背景或场合的艺术，这样你更有可能实现你的目标。当你创造借口时，你是在为追求某种社交活动提出一个合理的理由、解释或“借口”。你也在为自己在社交活动中扮演的角色分配角色。借口的作用是触发与你打交道的人的积极或消极情绪。马尔科姆·格拉德威尔在他的《与陌生人交谈》一书中推广了“真相默认理论”，即“我们的操作假设是，我们打交道的人是诚实的”。2一个好的借口可以保持这个假设不变，缓解你感兴趣的人可能有的焦虑或担忧，甚至激发积极的情绪，如爱、幸福或幸福感。有了基本的信任感，你感兴趣的人就会更愿意——甚至乐意——遵从你的要求。相反，糟糕的借口会激起恐惧或愤怒等负面情绪，并激活你感兴趣的人的批判性思维能力。他们不会“顺应”他们的积极情绪并服从，而是变得多疑，想出他们不应该服从的理由，并让你承担起证明他们的怀疑毫无根据的负担。正如格拉德威尔所说，“只有当我们的怀疑和疑虑上升到我们可以相信的程度时，我们才会停止相信不再为自己辩解。” 3糟糕的借口会“引发”我们不愿意信任别人。

Pretexting is the art of creating a context or occasion for a conversation so that you’re more likely to achieve your goals. When you create a pretext, you’re presenting a rational justification, explanation, or “excuse” for pursuing a social encounter of some kind. You’re also assigning yourself a role to play during the encounter. Pretexts work by triggering emotions, positive or negative, in the people with whom you’re dealing. In his book Talking to Strangers, Malcolm Gladwell popularizes the “Truth-Default Theory,” the idea that “our operating assumption is that the people we are dealing with are honest.”2 A good pretext keeps this assumption intact, easing anxieties or concerns your person of interest might have, and even arousing positive emotions, such as love, happiness, or a sense of well-being. With a baseline sense of trust, your person of interest becomes much more willing—even happy—to comply with your requests. Conversely, a bad pretext arouses negative emotions such as fear or anger and activates your person of interest’s critical thinking capacity. Instead of “going with the flow” of their positive feelings and complying, they become suspicious, thinking of reasons they shouldn’t comply, and placing the burden on you to prove their suspicions unfounded. As Gladwell notes, “We stop believing only when our doubts and misgivings rise to the point where we can no longer explain them away.”3 A bad pretext “triggers” our unwillingness to trust in others.

世界各地的骗子、骗子和黑客都知道如何利用借口欺骗他人——这是他们的拿手好戏。据称，德克萨斯州西大学社区的一名男子按响了人们的门铃，自称是市政水务部门的工作人员。当他与房主交谈并建立融洽关系时（下一章将讨论这一主题），据称另一名骗子闯入并偷走了他或她能拿到的一切。4这就是借口。骗子需要利用“乐于助人的水务部门人员”的角色来让房主做他想做的事情：打开门，进行几分钟看似无辜的交谈。

Scammers, con men, and hackers everywhere know all about how pretexting works on people—it’s their stock in trade. A man in the Texas community of West University allegedly rang people’s doorbells, purporting to work for the municipality’s water authority. While he was engaging a homeowner in conversation and building rapport (a topic considered in the next chapter), another crook allegedly broke in and stole whatever he or she could grab.4 That’s pretexting in action. The role of the “helpful water authority person” was the rationale the crook needed to get homeowners to do what he wanted: open up the door and engage in a few minutes of seemingly innocent conversation.

借口也以电子形式出现，事实上，在当今网络诈骗泛滥中，借口十分常见。在香港，黑客入侵了一名男子姐姐的 WhatsApp 账户，冒充姐姐说服他购买虚拟游戏“积分”，然后以更高的价格转售，轻松赚钱。只有黑客在短短几个小时内就赚得盆满钵满，净赚 55,000 美元。5同样，骗子给圣劳伦斯学院一名学生的家长发送电子邮件，声称自己是该学院的学生，要求他们提前支付学费以获得折扣。一些家长上当了，损失了钱。在第一起案件中，犯罪分子借口是关心受害者财务状况的乐于助人或有爱心的兄弟姐妹。在第二起案件中，借口是乐于助人的学院行政代表发送电子邮件，提供可能有吸引力的优惠。6这两个借口都为骗子提供了让毫无戒心的受害者采取所需行动（即骗取他们的钱财）的理由。

Pretexting occurs in electronic form as well, and in fact figures prominently in our current epidemic of online fraud. In Hong Kong, hackers took over the WhatsApp account of a man’s sister, using it to impersonate her and convince him to buy “points” for virtual games, so that he could resell them at a higher price and make some easy money. The only ones to score a bonanza here were the hackers, who netted $55,000 in a matter of hours.5 Likewise, crooks emailed parents of a student at St. Lawrence College, purporting to be from the college and asking them to make an early tuition payment in order to receive a discount. Some parents fell for it—and lost their money. In the first case, criminals adopted the pretext of the helpful or loving sibling who cared about the victim’s financial well-being. In the second case, the pretext was that of the helpful college administrative representative emailing with a potentially attractive offer.6 Both pretexts established the rationale crooks needed to get unsuspecting victims to take the desired action, which entailed parting with their money.

也许有史以来最伟大的犯罪借口者是维克多·卢斯蒂格，他被称为“美国最伟大的骗子”和“卖掉埃菲尔铁塔的人。两次。”至少我们认为他的名字是维克多·卢斯蒂格。没有人真正知道——这家伙有不少于四十七个身份。20 世纪 20 年代中期，卢斯蒂格冒充法国政府官员，告诉法国废金属行业的知名人士，政府正计划拆除埃菲尔铁塔，并招标。政府官员提供有价值的废金属内幕交易的借口对观众来说既完全合理又有吸引力。金属商们上当了，提交了投标，其中一位最终为这座塔支付了 70,000 美元。当骗局被发现时，据一位受害者说，“太尴尬了，不敢去报警。”在这次成功的鼓舞下，卢斯蒂格显然再次尝试了这种骗局，但没有被抓住。7

Perhaps the greatest criminal pretexter of all time was Victor Lustig, known variously as “America’s greatest con man” and “the man who sold the Eiffel Tower. Twice.” At least we think his name was Victor Lustig. Nobody really knows—the guy had no fewer than forty-seven identities. During the mid-1920s, Lustig impersonated a French government official, telling prominent members of the French scrap metal industry that the government was planning on demolishing the Eiffel Tower, and soliciting bids for it. The pretext of a government official offering an insider deal on valuable scrap metal seemed both perfectly reasonable and alluring to this audience. The metal guys fell for it, submitting bids, with one of them eventually forking over $70,000 for the tower. When the scam was discovered, the victim by one account “was too embarrassed to go to the police.” Buoyed by this success, Lustig apparently tried the scam again without getting caught.7

仔细研究这一骗局，就会发现一个关于借口的重要事实：借口不仅关乎你说什么，还关乎你做什么。借口可以包括你的行为——你是表现得平静、紧张、快乐还是悲伤。借口可以包括你选择的谈话地点，以及让你扮演的角色或假定身份栩栩如生的物品或“道具”。在埃菲尔铁塔骗局中，卢斯蒂格不仅打电话给受害者，编造一个关于他是谁和他想要什么的荒诞故事。他还制作了写有他名字的信纸，上面还盖有“法国政府官方印章”。他召集废金属老板在一家法国豪华酒店开会——有关系的政府官员可能会这么做。据称，他在提出借口时使用的语言也暴露了一名官僚对此事的熟悉程度：“由于工程故障、昂贵的维修费用以及我不能讨论的​​政治问题，拆除埃菲尔铁塔已成为强制性要求。” 8特别注意“我不能讨论”这句话，这是一种明显的谨慎表达，这正是一位了解敏感讨论的谨慎官员可能会说的话。卢斯蒂格的借口包括所有这些要素，就像我的一样上述故事中包括我的制服和公司证件，以及我向仓库保安给出的看似知情的解释。

A closer look at this scam reveals an important truth about pretexting: it isn’t just about what you say, but also what you do. Pretexting can include how you behave—whether you appear calm, nervous, happy, sad. It can include the location you choose for a conversation, as well as objects or “props” that bring to life the role you’re playing or identity you’re assuming. In his Eiffel Tower scam, Lustig didn’t just call up his victims and spin a tall tale about who he was and what he wanted. He had stationery created that had his name on it, and that also bore “the official French government seal.” He summoned the scrap metal bosses to a meeting at a fancy French hotel—something that a connected government official might have done. He was also alleged to have presented his pretext using language that betrayed a bureaucrat’s familiarity with his subject matter: “Because of engineering faults, costly repairs, and political problems I cannot discuss, the tearing down of the Eiffel Tower had become mandatory.”8 Note especially the phrase “I cannot discuss,” an expression of apparent discretion that was exactly what a scrupulous official privy to sensitive discussions might say. Lustig’s pretext included all of these elements, just as mine in the story above included my uniform and my company ID, as well as the seemingly informed explanation I gave to the warehouse guards.

借口可以完全由行动和道具组成，无需提供任何口头解释。1935 年，特勤局逮捕了拉斯蒂格，将他关押在曼哈顿联邦拘留中心，这个设施当时被称为“无法逃脱”。对于其他囚犯来说，这是无法逃脱的。他把床单绑在一起做成一条长绳，从牢房的窗户上跳了出去，然后顺着大楼往下坠落。地上的人都目瞪口呆地看着他，于是他假装自己是一名窗户清洁工，用他随身携带的一块抹布。抹布，他在大楼上的位置：这些都让旁观者心目中有了借口（不是为了谈话，而是为了他自己在大楼一侧的存在）。当拉斯蒂格落地时，他鞠了一躬，跑开了，一个月后，法律才再次追上他。之后，他搬到了一个真正为关押像他这样的罪犯而建的监狱：恶魔岛。

Pretexts can consist entirely of actions and props, with no verbal explanation offered. In 1935, the secret service arrested Lustig, locking him away in Manhattan’s federal detention center, a facility reputed at the time to be “inescapable.” It was inescapable—for other prisoners. Tying bedsheets together to create a long rope, he hoisted himself out the window of his prison cell and lowered himself down the building. People on the ground gawked at him, so he passed himself off as a window cleaner, making use of a rag he had carried with him. The rag, his position on the building: these contributed to a pretext in the minds of the onlookers (not for a conversation, but for his own presence there on the side of the building). When Lustig reached the ground, he took a bow and scampered off, and it took a month for the law to catch up with him again. Afterward, he would relocate to a prison that really was built to house criminals like him: Alcatraz.

日常生活中的借口艺术

The Everyday Art of Pretexting

鉴于卢斯蒂格的精彩事迹，借口似乎对普通守法公民没有多大意义。你当然不会像我一样，仅仅为了说服家人、同事或邻居做你想做的事，就采用一个全新的假身份。你也不会（我希望）编造一些虚假的理由和角色，肆无忌惮地从你身边的人那里偷东西。法律学者对律师和警察借口获取信息的做法持怀疑态度，认为这是欺骗和不道德的。在一篇题为“借口：达到必要目的的必要手段？”的文章中，一位学者强烈反对借口，他辩称：“法律制度和职业不能承受使用任何不诚实或欺骗手段来收集信息。” 9联邦贸易委员会同样将借口定义为一种本质上不诚实的犯罪行为：“借口是以虚假的借口获取您的个人信息的行为。借口者将您的信息出售给可能利用这些信息以您的名义获得信贷、窃取您的资产或调查或起诉您的人。借口是违法的。” 10

Given Lustig’s colorful exploits, it might not seem that pretexting holds much relevance for normal, law-abiding citizens. Surely you’re not going to adopt a whole new, fake identity like I did just to convince a family member, colleague, or neighbor to do something you want. And you’re not (I hope) going to invent some false rationale and role in order to steal unscrupulously from people in your orbit. Legal scholars have cast a suspicious eye on the practice of pretexting among attorneys and police to obtain information, regarding it as deceptive and unethical. In an article entitled “Pretexting: A Necessary Means to a Necessary End?,” one scholar came out strongly against pretexting, arguing, “The legal system and the profession can ill afford the use of any dishonest or deceptive means to gather information.”9 The Federal Trade Commission has likewise defined pretexting as an inherently dishonest, criminal act: “Pretexting is the practice of getting your personal information under false pretenses. Pretexters sell your information to people who may use it to get credit in your name, steal your assets or to investigate or sue you. Pretexting is against the law.”10

我不会像某些法律界人士那样，以“为达目的可以不择手段”为借口为借口辩护，而是认为，在日常生活中，借口本质上并不是撒谎、掩饰和演戏。当我扮成废物管理公司的员工时，我说的是赤裸裸的谎言，但我当时正在执行一项特定的任务，我和我的客户（一如既往地）预先确定了某些形式的谎言是可以接受的。在日常生活中，我绝不会这样欺骗别人，也不需要这样做。在日常生活中，借口是指有选择地呈现部分事实，以创造有利于对话的环境，从而快速建立融洽的关系。借口可以很简单，比如，如果你恰好拥有一家冰淇淋店，想去看看你家附近新开的一家受欢迎的竞争对手，那么就假装成一个感兴趣的顾客。或者，如果你正在考虑搬到一个新城镇，但想知道人们对学校的真实看法，那么你可以打电话给经纪人说：“嘿，我们要搬到这个地区，我们有几个问题。”

Rather than justifying pretexting on the grounds that “the ends justify the means,” as some in the legal profession do, I would contend that pretexting in everyday situations isn’t fundamentally about lying, dissimulating, and playacting. When I dressed up as a Waste Management guy, I was telling a bald-faced lie, but I was taking part in a specific assignment in which my client and I predetermined (as we always do) that certain forms of lying were fair game. I would never deceive others like this while pretexting in everyday life—and I wouldn’t need to. Pretexting in everyday life entails selectively presenting parts of the truth in order to create an advantageous context for a conversation, so that you can quickly build rapport. Pretexting can be as simple as posing as an interested customer if you happen to own an ice cream shop and want to check out a popular new competitor that has opened up in your neighborhood. Or if you’re thinking of moving to a new town but want to know what people really think about the schools, it can be calling up a broker and saying, “Hey, we’re moving to the area, we have a couple of questions.”

当冰淇淋店老板走进新开的一家社区商店时，她可能主要不是为了买一个甜筒，而是想了解竞争对手。但是，既然她要买一个甜筒，她也是顾客。你可能不打算下周买下一套房子，但最初的“如果呢？”看房阶段仍然是买房过程的一部分。所以，借口并不是彻头彻尾的谎言，而是对事实的陈述。如果你对借口的程度有任何疑问，请记住这一点：你需要让人们因为认识你而过得更好。如果你的借口与事实相差甚远，无论出于什么原因，如果你无法让人们过得更好，那么就不要使用它。

The ice cream store owner might not be primarily interested in buying a cone when she goes into that new neighborhood store—she wants to learn about her competitor. But, since she’s paying for a cone, she also is a customer. You might not be looking to close on a property next week, but the initial, “what if?” phase of looking is still part of the process of buying a house. So, pretexting isn’t an outright lie, but rather a representation of reality rooted in the truth. If you have any doubts about how far to go when setting up a pretext, remember this: you need to leave people better off for having met you. If your pretext is so distant from the truth that for whatever reason you won’t be able to leave people better off, then don’t use it.

我们总是在不知不觉中为自己创造借口，为自己扮演“角色”以适应特定情况。心理学中一个长期存在的争论是，性格还是特定的社会环境决定了我们的行为。两者似乎都很重要：我们稳定的性格在我们的行为中闪现，但我们在适当的环境中会最充分地展现出其中的某些部分，我们甚至可能希望将自己置身于可以展现自己某些部分的情境中——比如我们的合群性，或者我们寻求新奇事物的倾向。11正如科尔比学院的克里斯托弗·索托所写的那样，“在任何一种场合，一个人的行为都会受到他们的性格和环​​境以及其他因素的影响，例如他们当前的想法、感受和目标。” 12

We create pretexts all the time, almost always without realizing it, by taking on “roles” for ourselves to fit particular situations. A long-standing debate in psychology concerns whether personality or specific social contexts determine our behavior. Both seem to matter: our stable personalities shine through in our behavior, but we project certain parts of them most fully in the right settings, and we might even look to insert ourselves into situations in which we can bring out certain parts of ourselves—our gregariousness, say, or our propensity to seek out novelty.11 As Christopher Soto of Colby College has written, “On any one occasion, a person’s behavior is influenced by both their personality and the situation, as well as other factors such as their current thoughts, feelings and goals.”12

在为谈话设计借口时，我们会强调自己个性中的某些方面，以适应当时的需要。如果我的女儿做错了什么，我可能会让她坐下来，以“严厉、严厉的父亲”的名义严厉地和她谈话。如果我和我的一位成年员工有矛盾，或者我试图解决与妻子或最好的朋友之间的问题，我就不能扮演父亲的角色——与我互动的人会觉得这是侮辱和贬低。所以我可能会扮演一个有同理心的老板的角色。或者一个沮丧但富有同情心的配偶。或者一个关心的最好的朋友。在所有这些情况下，我都是同一个人，但我允许自己不同的一面显露出来，希望实现我的目标。

When devising pretexts for our conversations, we emphasize particular dimensions of our personalities to fit the needs of the moment. If my daughter has done something wrong, I might sit her down and have a stern discussion with her, adopting the pretext of the “tough, disciplinarian dad.” If I have a problem with one of my adult employees, or if I’m trying to resolve an issue with my wife or my best friend, I can’t play that fatherly role—the people with whom I’m interacting would find it insulting and demeaning. So I might play the role of the empathetic boss. Or the frustrated but compassionate spouse. Or the concerned best friend. In all of these situations, I’m the same person, but I’m allowing different sides of me to come out in hopes of achieving my goals.

我们本能地接受这些不同的角色，因为我们感觉到我们选择的具体借口可以帮助决定我们是否从社交互动中得到我们想要的东西。假设你年迈的母亲身体每况愈下，你必须和你不太亲近的姐妹进行一次艰难的谈话，谈论筹集资金让她住进养老院。如果你将谈话的场合设定为“我想和你谈谈，因为我需要你在月底前给我一万美元”，如果你在忙碌了一天后在拥挤嘈杂的酒吧里进行谈话，而你姐姐又紧张又累，谈话可能不会那么顺利。当你姐姐听到“我需要你在月底前给我一万美元”这句话时，她可能会产生许多负面情绪，包括恐惧（“我怎么可能这么快就拿出这么多钱？”）、怨恨（“你是谁，凭什么向我要这么多钱？”）、疲劳（“我还需要处理另一件事？我已经压力很大了！”）或沮丧（“为什么人们总是向我要钱？”）。当你姐姐想到她不能、不应该、不应该拿出钱的所有原因时，她的批判能力就会被激发起来。但如果你打电话给你姐姐说：“我知道我们最近没联系，但我真的很担心妈妈。我们需要一起想出最好的照顾她的方案”，并且如果你建议周末在一个你知道你姐姐喜欢的安静的地方共进午餐，你就不会触发这些情绪，她的批判能力也不会立即发挥作用。你将有更好的机会最终得到你想要的东西：你姐姐捐赠的 10,000 美元。

We instinctively embrace these different roles because we sense that the specific pretexts we choose can help determine whether we get what we want out of our social interactions. Let’s say your elderly mother is in declining health, and you must have a difficult conversation with your sister, with whom you are not particularly close, about generating funds to move her into a nursing home. If you framed the occasion for the conversation as “I want to talk to you because I need you to give me ten thousand dollars by the end of the month,” and if you held the conversation in a crowded, noisy bar right after a long day of work, when your sister was stressed and tired, the conversation might not go so well. When your sister hears the words “I need you to give me ten thousand dollars by the end of the month,” she might experience any number of negative emotions, including fear (“How will I possibly come up with that kind of money, and so quickly?”), resentment (“Who are you to ask me for that kind of money?”), fatigue (“Yet another thing I need to deal with? I’m stressed out already!”), or frustration (“Why are people always asking me for money?”). Your sister’s critical faculties will fire up as she thinks about all the reasons she can’t, shouldn’t, mustn’t come up with the money. But if you call your sister and say, “I know we haven’t spoken recently, but I’m really worried about Mom. We need to figure out together what the best option for her care is,” and if you suggest meeting for lunch over the weekend at a quiet place you know your sister likes, you won’t trigger these emotions, and her critical faculties won’t immediately engage. You’ll stand a better chance at eventually getting what you want: a $10,000 contribution from your sister.

借口通过含蓄地回答（或未能回答）四个关键问题来引发情绪，正如我们在介绍中看到的，每个人在开始与他人互动时都会问这些问题：这个人是谁？他们想要什么？互动需要多长时间？这个人是威胁吗？根据情况，其中一些问题当然已经得到回答：在上述场景中，你的妹妹显然知道你是谁，应该知道你不是威胁。但她可能不知道其他问题的答案。如果你的借口未能回答这些问题，由此产生的不确定性可能会引起她的恐惧或怀疑。你的借口暗示的令人不安的答案也会引发这些情绪。如果你直接向姐姐要 10,000 美元，你可能表明自己对她的生活方式构成了威胁——你在向她要钱。如果你过去曾与姐姐就钱问题进行过长时间、痛苦的谈话，那么公开要求钱可能会让她担心接下来会有一场漫长而痛苦的谈话。如果你以一个关心你的家庭成员的身份来处理这种情况，只想为你的母亲找到最好的护理方案，你可能不会被视为一个威胁。你的姐姐可能不会感到恐惧，而是可能会感受到爱、感激或一种认同感。

Pretexts elicit emotions by implicitly answering (or failing to answer) the four key questions that, as we saw in the introduction, everyone asks when beginning an interaction with another person: Who is this person? What do they want? How long will the interaction take? Is this person a threat? Depending on the situation, some of these questions will of course already be answered: Your sister in the above scenario obviously knows who you are and should know you aren’t a threat. But she might not know the answers to the other questions. If your pretext fails to answer them, the resulting uncertainty could elicit fear or doubt in her. Disturbing answers suggested by your pretext will trigger these emotions as well. By asking your sister straightaway for the $10,000, you might be identifying yourself as someone who poses a threat to her lifestyle—you’re demanding her money. If you’ve had long, torturous conversations in the past about money with your sister, the open request for money might leave her anxious that a long and painful conversation will ensue. By approaching the situation as a concerned family member who just wants to find the best care option for your mother, you probably won’t come across as a threat. Instead of fear, your sister might experience love, gratitude, or a sense of validation.

我们大多数人都不会过多考虑借口。虽然我们可能会在不同情况下展现自己的不同方面，但我们不会为了满足自己的需求而有策略地这样做。因此，我们可能会发现自己习惯性地依赖某些借口，即使这对我们没有帮助。我们习惯在家里扮演严厉的妈妈或爸爸，然后在工作或与朋友相处时也这样做。我们在学校扮演有趣的朋友，在与老板或其他权威人士交谈时忘记关掉这个角色。当我们习惯性的借口和相关的角色或身份对我们不起作用时，我们常常将自己的失败归咎于对方。在上述情况下，我们可能会没有得到我们想要的一万美元，并抱怨我们的姐姐“不讲道理”，或者她“没有得到”，或者“她是个十足的混蛋”。也许我们的姐姐真的是个糟糕的人。但也许我们没有很好地编造出一个有用或合适的借口。当我们在不合适的情况下仍使用相同的借口时，我们也会倾向于在失败面前举手投降，说：“对不起，这就是我，这就是我的个性。”呃，不，这不是你，这只是你个性的一部分。如果你努力，你可以在特定情况下培养你个性的其他部分，巧妙地编造借口来影响他人并获得你想要的结果。黑客总是出于邪恶的目的这样做。为什么你不能以更积极、更仁慈的方式去做呢？

Most of us don’t give much thought to pretexting. Although we might project different sides of ourselves in different contexts, we don’t do so strategically to match our needs. As a result, we might find ourselves falling back habitually on certain pretexts, even when it doesn’t help us. We get used to playing the disciplinarian mom or dad at home, and then replicate that at work or with our friends. We play the fun friend at school, forgetting to shut that off when we’re talking to a boss or other authority figure. When our habitual pretext and the associated role or identity don’t work for us, we often blame our failure on the other person. In the above scenario, we might come away without the ten grand we wanted and gripe that our sister was “being unreasonable,” or that she “didn’t get it,” or that “she’s a total jerk.” Maybe our sister really is an awful person. But maybe we didn’t do such a great job of framing a helpful or appropriate pretext. When we retain the same pretext even in inappropriate situations, we also tend to throw up our hands in the face of failure and say, “I’m sorry, that’s just who I am, that’s my personality.” Uh, no, it’s not who you are—it’s just a part of your personality. If you try, you can cultivate other parts of your personality in specific situations, crafting your pretexts strategically to influence others and get the results you want. Hackers do it for evil purposes all the time. Why can’t you do it in a more positive, benevolent way?

你可能会反对说，精心编造借口虽然不算彻头彻尾的谎言，但仍然很糟糕，因为它涉及在与他人互动时的算计和密谋。但 我并不是要求你对家人和朋友虚伪。说话更谨慎并不是虚伪。你仍然允许“你”出来，只是在决定表达自己的哪一部分时要更小心一些。如果你是一个有道德的人，你就不会操纵别人，我将其定义为欺骗或强迫他们遵从你的愿望，以损害他们自己的利益（见第 6 章）。相反，你通过给他们一些他们想要的东西，让他们更愿意遵从。很多对话都是不假思索地展开的，让每个人都感到沮丧和更糟。部署一点策略来让我们的互动更愉快、更富有成效，不是更好、更明智吗？

You might object that crafting pretexts strategically, while not outright lying, is still bad, as it involves calculating and plotting in your interactions with others. But I’m not asking you to be fake with your family and friends. Being more deliberate about what you say isn’t being fake. You’re still allowing “you” to come out, just taking a bit more care in determining which part of yourself to express. And if you’re an ethical person, you’re not manipulating another person, which I define as tricking or forcing them to comply with your desires to their own detriment (see chapter 6). Rather, you’re making it more attractive for them to comply by giving them something they want, too. So many conversations unfold thoughtlessly, leaving everyone frustrated and worse off. Isn’t it better and wiser to deploy just a bit of strategy to make our interactions more pleasant and productive?

假设你的主管在走廊里向你走来，说严厉地说：“我明天三点需要和你见面。”当你问她有什么事时，她拒绝告诉你会议的内容以及为什么这么紧急。除非你老板的目的是通过制造恐惧来操纵你，否则她只是用了一个可怕的借口。这个邀请对你来说可能看起来不祥，你会在接下来的 24 小时内担心你做错了什么，即将被解雇。如果你的老板说：“嘿，上周在我们的客户会议上，只有几个小问题，不是什么大问题，但我想明天三点和你谈谈。”这样会容易得多，也更友善。有了这样的框架，你就不会那么焦虑，更好地准备处理谈话的实际内容。你也更有可能对老板说的话做出积极的反应，给她她想要的东西。

Let’s say your supervisor approaches you in the hallway and says sternly, “I need to meet with you tomorrow at three.” When you ask what’s up, she refuses to tell you what the meeting is about and why it’s so urgent. Unless your boss’s goal is to manipulate you by eliciting fear, she’s just deployed a horrible pretext. The invitation will likely seem ominous to you, and you’ll spend the next twenty-four hours fretting that you’ve done something wrong and are about to be fired. It would have been so much easier—and kinder—if your boss had said, “Hey, last week at our client meeting, there were just a couple of small issues, nothing serious, but I’d like to talk to you about them tomorrow at three.” With that framing, you’d be less anxious and better prepared to handle the actual substance of the conversation. You’d also be more likely to react positively to whatever your boss says, giving her what she wants.

借口是一种更富有同情心、更高效的谈话方式，因为它需要做一些不可思议、甚至激进的事情：花点时间考虑对方的情感需求。正如上一章所提到的，大多数人在开始谈话时都会思考自己想从中得到什么。要提出一个强有力的借口，你必须具备同理心，富有想象力地把自己置于对方的思维模式中，并相应地调整借口。作为老板，你会避免留下“明天三点见”的含糊信息，因为你了解你和员工之间的权力差异，而且你预料到含糊信息会给你的下属带来恐惧。作为一个寻求姐姐帮忙照顾年迈母亲的人，你会以最善良、最不具威胁性、最尊重的方式提出请求，因为你预料到你的姐姐可能很难拿出一万美元。我希望更多的人在开口之前考虑一下别人的感受、需求和愿望。世界会变得更温和。我们每个人都会得到更多我们想要的东西。

Pretexting is a more compassionate and productive way of entering a conversation because it entails doing something incredible, almost radical: taking a moment to think about the other person’s emotional needs. As mentioned in the last chapter, most people jump into conversations thinking about what they want out of it. To frame a strong pretext, you must make that empathetic leap, putting yourself imaginatively into the other person’s mindset, and adjusting your pretext accordingly. As a boss, you’ll avoid leaving a cryptic “meet me at three tomorrow” message because you understand the power differential between you and your employees, and you anticipate the fear that a cryptic message would generate in your subordinates. As someone seeking their sister’s help in caring for their aging mother, you’ll ask in the kindest, least threatening, most respectful way because you’re anticipating that your sister might find it hard to fork over ten grand. I wish more people thought about the feelings, needs, and desires of others before they opened their mouths. The world would be a gentler place. And all of us would get much more of what we want.

要想像专业人士一样找借口，你必须做好准备

To Pretext Like a Pro, You Have to PREPARE

现在你已经熟悉了借口以及它为何有效，让我们来谈谈如何做借口。在我的一生中，我自然而然地会使用借口（我猜几乎所有成功的黑客、骗子和骗子都有类似的经历）。即使在小时候，我也倾向于本能地计划我希望对话如何展开，考虑到我与之打交道的人以及他们的需求、愿望和心态。这种方法已经根深蒂固，以至于我在每分钟遇到人时都会自发地、几乎立即这样做。这看起来和感觉起来很像“即兴”这些互动，但在我的脑海里，我是在设置和构建它们。直到最近，当我试图教别人如何借口时，我才采取了更具分析性的策略。通过逆向工程我的心理过程，我开发了以下七步公式，用于在与他人进行对话时成功使用借口：

Now that you’re familiar with pretexting and why it works, let’s talk about how to do it. Throughout my life, I’ve performed pretexting naturally (and I’m guessing that almost all successful hackers, con men, and hustlers have similar experiences). Even as a kid, I tended to plan out instinctively how I’d want conversations to unfold, taking into account the person I was dealing with and what their needs, desires, and mindset might be. This approach became so ingrained that I’d do it spontaneously and almost instantly when encountering people minute-to-minute. It looked and felt a lot like “winging” these interactions, but in my mind I was setting them up and framing them. Only recently, as I’ve tried to teach others how to pretext, have I taken a more analytical tack. Reverse-engineering my mental process, I’ve developed the following seven-step formula for successful pretexting when instigating a conversation with someone else:

在开始对话时，您首先需要在自己的脑海中明确需要解决的问题以及想要的结果（步骤 1 和 2）。您可能会听说您的十几岁的女儿 Natalie 一直在偷偷地和一个叫 David 的大学生发短信，尽管您明确指示她不要与他有任何联系。这似乎是一个非常明显的问题，但您可以更具体一点：在与 David 发短信时，Natalie 不仅故意违反了家规，还当着您的面撒谎（您问她是否与 David 联系过，她否认与他有任何联系）。

In sparking a conversation, you first need to clarify in your own mind what issue you need to solve, and the outcome you seek (steps #1 and 2). You might hear that your teenage daughter Natalie has been secretly texting with a college guy named David, despite your express instructions that she avoid all contact with him. That seems like a pretty clear problem, but you can be more specific: in texting with David, who incidentally has recently been arrested on drug charges, Natalie not only deliberately broke a house rule, but also lied to your face about it (you’d asked her whether she’d been in touch with David, and she’d denied having any contact with him).

澄清问题的细微差别可以让你更好地了解谈话中涉及的利害关系。许多父母在这种情况下可能会直接实施惩罚，而没有理解行为问题的根本原因。在质问娜塔莉发短信的问题时，你可能会决定你特别在意她的谎言以及娜塔莉的朋友大卫可能与毒品有关。因此，对于这种严重问题，你的目标可能不仅仅是让她对自己的行为负责，而是让她开诚布公地告诉你她做了什么以及为什么这么做。你需要了解她的情况，她是否在吸毒，以及为什么她觉得她可以偷偷地违反你的家规。如果你能找到问题的根源并共同努力解决问题，你可能会为更信任的关系奠定基础，这反过来会让她在未来变得更加诚实和行为得当。

Clarifying these nuances of the problem gives you a better sense of what’s at stake in the conversation. Many parents in a situation like this might jump straight to meting out a punishment, failing to understand the root causes of a behavior problem. In confronting Natalie about her texting, you might decide that you’re especially bothered by the lying and the possibility that Natalie’s friend David is linked to drugs. Your goal for a problem of this magnitude thus might not be just to get her to take responsibility for her actions, but rather to get her to speak openly and honestly with you about what she did and why. You need to understand what is going on with her, whether she is using drugs, and why she felt like she could sneakily break your house rules. If you can get to the root of the problem and work together to resolve it, you might lay the foundation for a more trusting relationship, which in turn would yield more honesty and better behavior on her part going forward.

明确目标反过来又能让你解决第 3 步。让娜塔莉感受到愤怒、恐惧或羞愧等情绪可能不会让她愿意向你吐露这个话题。如果你能让她感到轻微的悲伤，并让她对你的担忧和恐惧产生一些同情，那可能会奏效。鉴于你的目标是让她感到低水平的悲伤，你应该考虑在谈话中需要传达什么情绪来唤起她的悲伤（第 4 步）。在许多情况下，你可以通过自己表达同样的情绪来引起别人的情绪。如果娜塔莉看到你富有同情心，有点难过，她可能也会有同样的感觉。这种洞察力反过来又揭示了你的借口（第 5 步）。你不能通过说她搞砸了，你需要谈论这件事来开始谈话。这只会引起恐惧。相反，你要扮演“善良体贴的父母”的角色，以一种更安静、更有同理心的方式展开对话。例如，你可以告诉她，你想和她谈谈，因为你想听听她对家里出现的一个重要问题的反馈。你提出这个借口（步骤#6）时，同样会感到平静、安静和富有同理心，以配合借口。你可以走到你的女儿身边，拍拍她的肩膀，说这样的话：“嘿，亲爱的，我们可以聊一会儿吗？我知道时间不早了，你可能累了——你一晚上都在做作业。但有件事真的让我很困扰，我想和你讨论一下。”

Clarifying your goal will in turn allow you to address step #3. Causing Natalie to feel emotions like anger, fear, or shame will probably not make her want to confide in you around this topic. If you could induce a mild sadness in her as well as some compassion for your worries and fears, that might work. Given that you’re aiming for low-level sadness, you should consider what emotion you need to convey during the conversation to evoke sadness in her (step #4). In many situations, you can elicit emotions in others by expressing those same emotions yourself. If Natalie sees that you’re empathetic and a bit sad, she’ll probably feel that way, too. This insight in turn sheds light on your pretext (step #5). You can’t initiate a conversation by saying that she’s screwed up bad and you need to talk about it. That will only elicit fear. Rather, you’ll want to play the role of the “kind and considerate parent,” framing the conversation in a quieter, more empathetic way. You might tell her, for instance, that you’d like to talk to her because you want to get her feedback on an important issue that’s come up around the house. Your delivery of this pretext (step #6) will likewise feel calm, quiet, and empathetic to match the pretext. You might go over to your daughter, tap her on the shoulder, and say something like, “Hey, sweetie, can we talk for a second? I know it’s getting late and you’re probably tired—you’ve been doing homework all night. But there’s something that’s really bothering me that I’d like to discuss.”

现在你已经想好了借口并计划好了如何实施，你必须问问自己：这合乎道德吗？希望答案是肯定的。“善良体贴的父母”可能是你性格中很重要的一部分，所以你没有撒谎。借口和实施会让娜塔莉因为认识你而过得更好。如果这能让她信任你，帮助她向你敞开心扉，你们双方从长远来看都会享受更好的关系。从短期来看，她会觉得自己被父母爱着、尊重着、关心着。其他方式可能都无法通过道德测试。想象一下，如果你小时候从未吸过毒，你选择以善良体贴的父母的名义告诉她这个复杂、痛苦、虚假的故事，讲述你曾经是一个重度可卡因吸食者，亲眼看到别人在你面前吸毒过量，被捕过，亲身体验了毒品的危害。从短期来看，这个故事可能会产生预期的效果，说服她远离毒品和她的朋友大卫，但如果如果她发现这个故事是假的，她会感到受伤和被背叛。这次谈话会让她因为遇见你而感到更难过，也许会永久损害你们的关系。

Now that you’ve framed your pretext and planned its execution, you must ask yourself: Is it ethical? The answer, hopefully, is a clear yes. The “kind and considerate parent” might be a significant part of who you are, so you’re not lying. The pretext and its execution will leave Natalie better off for having met you. If it engenders trust in her, helping her to open up with you, you’ll both enjoy a better relationship over the long term. In the short term, she’ll feel as if she is loved, respected, and cared for by her parent. Other ways of executing this pretext probably wouldn’t have passed the ethical test. Imagine if you had never tried drugs as a kid, and in the guise of being the kind and considerate parent you chose to tell her this elaborate, painful, and false story of how you had been a heavy cocaine user, saw people overdose in front of you, had gotten arrested, and learned firsthand how bad drugs are. In the short term, the story might have its desired effect, convincing her to stay away from drugs and her friend David, but if she ever discovered that the story was false, she would feel hurt and betrayed. The conversation would leave her feeling a lot worse for having met you, perhaps permanently damaging your relationship.

请注意，根据我们的谈话进展，你可能发现有必要在中途采用新的借口。如果你在与娜塔莉交谈的过程中得知，她一直在给大卫发短信，因为他们俩正计划一起私奔，你可能想放弃“善良体贴的父母”的借口，而扮演严厉的“严厉父母”的角色。如果你得知她并没有和新晋毒品沙皇大卫发短信，而是和她社会研究班上另一个叫“大卫”的男孩发短信，这个男孩和她同龄，是个好孩子，那么你可能会为自己的怀疑道歉，祝贺她的诚实，并告诉她你为她感到多么自豪，借口是“强烈支持父母”。我们在日常生活中与他人的复杂互动经常会（或应该）导致我们在谈话出现意想不到的曲折时采用多个借口。不过，我们采用的最重要的借口是最初的借口，因为这将决定谈话是否能够开始富有成效地展开。如果你的女儿一开始就感到愤怒或恐惧，她可能无法对你说的话做出合乎逻辑的回应，也无法理解你的处境。你们的谈话将毫无进展。

Note that you might find it necessary to adopt a new pretext midstream, depending on how our conversation unfolds. If you learn in the course of talking with Natalie that she’s been texting David because the two of them are planning to run off together, you might want to ditch the “kind and considerate parent” pretext and adopt the role of the stern, “disciplinarian parent.” If you learn that she hasn’t been texting with budding drug czar David, but rather with another boy named “David” from her social studies class who is her age and a good kid, then you might apologize for being suspicious, congratulate her on her honesty, and tell her how proud you are of her, adopting the pretext of being the “strongly supportive parent.” The complex interactions we have with others in our daily lives often do (or should) lead us to adopt multiple pretexts as a conversation takes unexpected twists and turns. Still, the most important pretext we adopt is the initial one, as that will determine whether a conversation can even begin to unfold productively. If your daughter felt anger or fear at the outset, she probably wouldn’t have been able to respond logically to what you were saying, or to feel empathy with your position. Your conversation would have gone nowhere.

我在这里举了一个育儿例子，但你可以在任何场合使用 PREPARE 框架，让对话有一个富有成效的开端。在我公司举办活动的一次大型行业会议上，我们团队成员忙得不可开交，做着无数的事情，以确保我们的活动取得圆满成功。我们的一名团队成员，一个聪明的二十多岁的男子，名叫文斯，13 岁，在行动中失踪了，没有人知道他在哪里。我给他打电话，给他发短信——什么都没有。我很生气。我们需要他的时候，这个人 在哪里？

I’ve developed a parenting example here, but you can use the PREPARE framework in any setting to get conversations off to a productive start. At a big industry conference where my company was holding an event, members of our team were racing around doing a million things to make sure that our event was a rousing success. One of our team members, a bright twentysomething man named Vince,13 was missing in action, and nobody knew where he was. I called him, texted him—nothing. I was ticked. Where was this guy when we needed him?

半小时后，文斯从桌子底下钻出来，让所有人都大吃一惊。过去九十分钟里，他一直躺在那里打盹。我的第一反应是当场解雇他。但我冷静下来，在脑海里回顾了 PREPARE 模型的七个步骤，进行了一次非常不同的谈话。我走近他，假装自己是“有同理心的老板”。我的目标是了解他到底发生了什么事情导致他出现这种行为，这样我就可以确定我是否可以做些什么来纠正它。

A half hour later, Vince surprised everyone by emerging from under a table. For the past ninety minutes he’d been lying down there, taking a nap. My first inclination was to fire him on the spot. But I calmed myself down, ran through the seven steps of the PREPARE model in my mind, and had a very different kind of conversation. Approaching him, I adopted the pretext of the “empathetic boss.” My goal was to learn what had been going on with him to produce this behavior, so that I could determine if there was anything I could do to fix it.

“嗨，”我说，“我们找你的时候真的压力很大。我们都计划好了要为活动做些什么准备，以及每个人的角色有多重要。你不在这里的时候，我们很担心。我们不知道你是死是活。你能解释一下你为什么消失了一个半小时吗？”文斯脸红了，说他很尴尬，不想谈论这件事。“我很抱歉这很尴尬，”我说，“但我只是想让你知道你没事。”文斯告诉我，他扭伤了背，疼痛难忍，所以他吃了一些医生开的药，坐在地板上，最后爬到桌子底下睡着了。他说，他太痛苦了，根本动弹不得。

“Hey,” I said, “we were really stressed out looking for you. We’d all planned out what we’d be doing to prepare for the event, and how important every person’s role was. When you weren’t here, we were worried. We didn’t know if you were dead or alive. Can you please explain why you disappeared for an hour and a half?” Vince reddened and said he was embarrassed and didn’t want to talk about it. “I’m sorry it’s embarrassing,” I said, “but I just need to understand that you’re okay.” Vince told me that he’d strained his back and was in great pain, so he took some medicine he’d been prescribed, sat down on the floor, and wound up crawling under the table and falling asleep. He had been in so much pain, he said, that he just couldn’t move.

如果文斯的回答不同，告诉我他睡着了是因为他是个酒鬼，而且前一天晚上喝醉了，我可能会放弃“善解人意的老板”的借口，成为“严厉的老板”，告诉他必须振作起来，因为他的行为妨碍了他的表现，影响了我们团队的交付能力。但现在我听了他的解释，觉得很有道理，我可以坚持说“善解人意的老板”。“听着，”我说，“我知道这很尴尬。我以前也受过这样的伤。下次再发生这种情况，就告诉我。如果你需要的话，我可能会告诉你休息一个小时，或者如果你疼得无法工作，我甚至会让你回家。”文斯感谢了我，并在会议的剩余时间里继续做好他的工作。从那以后，当他的背痛出现时，他就会告诉我爆发了，我们已经做出了调整。听到我温和合理的反应，其他团队成员来找我谈论他们可能阻碍其表现的身体问题。我避免了与员工之间的许多误会，并建立了更多的信任——这一切都要归功于借口的魔力。如果我只是出于愤怒而斥责文斯并解雇他，我就不会知道真正发生了什么。他会失业，而我则不得不努力寻找他的替代者。我们俩都会失败。

If Vince had answered differently, telling me that he’d fallen asleep because he was an alcoholic and had gotten tanked the night before, I might have abandoned the “empathetic boss” pretext and become the “stern boss,” telling him that he had to pull himself together because his behavior was impeding his performance and affecting our team’s ability to deliver. But now that I’d heard his explanation and found it reasonable, I could stick with “empathetic boss.” “Look,” I said, “I get that this is embarrassing. I’ve had injuries like this before. The next time it happens, just tell me about it. I’ll probably tell you to take an hour if you need it, or even to go home if you’re in too much pain to work.” Vince thanked me, and went on to do his job well for the rest of the conference. Since then, he’s informed me when his back pain has flared up, and we’ve made accommodations. Hearing about my gentle and reasonable reaction, other team members have come to me to talk about physical problems they’re having that might be impeding their performance. I’ve averted any number of misunderstandings with my employees and built up much more trust—all thanks to the magic of pretexting. If I’d just ripped into Vince out of anger and fired him, I wouldn’t have learned about what had really happened. He’d be out of a job, and I’d be stuck trying to find his replacement. Both of us would have lost.

使用 PREPARE

Working with PREPARE

尝试使用 PREPARE 来准备日常生活中的重要对话。前几次，将步骤写在纸上，以确保您能理解。这样做可能需要五到十分钟，但不要担心。几天或几周后，您会发现借口已经成为第二天性，您将能够在几秒钟内即兴地想出一个借口，而无需写下任何东西。更广泛地说，您将养成在开始对话之前思考的习惯，包括您想从对话中得到什么，对方的心态是什么，以及如何最好地构建对话以产生所需的情感影响。您还将养成在互动过程中摆脱情绪、恢复镇静并更平静地与他人交往的至关重要的习惯。所有这些都将使您在社交互动中更加自信，并且更加意识到其他人与您使用的借口。

Try using PREPARE to, yes, prepare for important conversations in your daily life. The first few times, write out the steps on a piece of paper, just to make sure you get them. Doing so might take you five to ten minutes, but don’t worry. After a few days or weeks, you’ll find that pretexting has become second nature, and that you’ll be able to develop a pretext in a matter of a few seconds on the fly, without writing anything down. More broadly, you’ll get in the habit of thinking about conversations before beginning them, including what you want out of them, what the other person’s mindset is, and how best to frame a conversation to have the desired emotional impact. You’ll also develop the critically important habit of breaking away from your emotions during interactions, regaining your composure, and engaging with others more calmly. All of this will leave you far more confident in your social interactions, and more conscious of the pretexts that others are using with you.

当你考虑自己想要在别人身上唤起的情绪和自己想要表现出的情绪时（步骤 3 和 4），检查这些情绪是否不是负面的。同样，你的最终目标是得到你想要的东西，同时让对方过得更好。如果你在对方心中激起负面情绪，比如恐惧或愤怒，那么对方会感觉更好。PREPARE 框架中的每一步都必须让人们过得更好或与这一目标保持一致。否则，你很可能会陷入操纵的黑暗境地，你赢了，而对方却因为你们的互动而输了。不要去那里。

As you consider the emotions you seek to evoke in others and those you wish to display yourself (steps #3 and 4), check that those emotions aren’t negative. Again, your ultimate goal here is to get what you want while leaving the other party better off. It’s unlikely that the other party will feel better off if you’re evoking a negative emotion in them, like fear or anger. Every step in the PREPARE framework has to either leave people better off or align with that aim. Otherwise, you’re likely veering into the darker realm of manipulation, where you win and the other party loses as a result of your interaction. Don’t go there.

还要检查你选择的借口是否真的符合你和你的个性。无论我多么努力，我都不会在闯入大楼时假装自己是一个 25 岁的女大学生——这根本不可能发生。即使那是特定情况下的理想借口，我也需要想出其他借口。在我的个人生活中，我永远无法扮演“狂野而疯狂的单身朋友”——这不是我的本性，我的朋友也不会相信。

Check as well that the pretext you’re choosing really is consistent with you and your personality. No matter how hard I might try, I will never pass myself off as a twenty-five-year-old college girl when breaking into a building—it just won’t happen. Even if that would be the ideal pretext for a given situation, I’ll need to come up with something else. In my personal life, I’ll never be able to pull off the “wild and crazy bachelor friend”—it’s just not who I am, and none of my buddies would buy it.

有些借口虽然很合适，但也会让我们大吃一惊，因为这些借口似乎也与别人对我们的看法不一致。如果你让你的姐姐帮忙照顾你年迈的母亲，你没有邀请她去她最喜欢的餐厅吃饭，而是带她去温泉周末，尽管你以前从未做过类似的事情，但一旦你向她提出这个问题，你的姐姐可能会觉得你被操纵了。谈话会显得刻意而不真诚，因为你做了一些明显不符合你性格的事情。另一方面，如果你们以前经常一起去温泉周末，这可能正是你想要的借口。

Some ways of delivering an otherwise suitable pretext will also blow up in our faces because they, too, seem at odds with the people others take us to be. If you’re asking your sister to help out with your aging mother’s care, and instead of inviting her to dinner at one of her favorite restaurants, you take her away for a spa weekend, even though you’ve never done anything close to that before, your sister will probably feel manipulated once you pose the question to her. The conversation will appear calculated and inauthentic, since you’ve done something that’s perceptibly out of character for you. On the other hand, if you’ve often gone away for spa weekends before together, this might be exactly the way you’d want to execute the pretext.

你可能认为，在编造借口时，为了迎合对方，你应该稍微多花点心思。我讨厌打高尔夫，但如果我想让一个潜在的商业伙伴感到舒服，这样我就能更轻松地谈判，如果我知道这个人喜欢打高尔夫，我难道不应该忍受并为我们安排一场比赛吗？根本不应该。因为我讨厌打高尔夫，而且打得很糟糕，所以我会在整个出游过程中感到沮丧和紧张，这会阻止我表达激发潜在伴侣所需情感所需的情感。如果很明显我真的不喜欢打高尔夫，我的潜在伴侣就会开始觉得我在安排比赛时不真诚。仅仅因为你关注对方及其情感并不意味着你应该忽视自己的情感。安排一次与你们双方性格和品味相当契合的郊游，这样你们都可以放松并享受。

You might suppose that you should stretch a little when creating a pretext so as to accommodate the other party. I hate golf, but if I’m trying to make a potential business partner feel comfortable so that I can have an easier time negotiating a deal, and if I know that this person loves golf, shouldn’t I just suck it up and arrange a game for us? Not at all. Since I hate golf and am terrible at it, I’ll spend the entire outing frustrated and stressed, which will prevent me from expressing the emotions required to evoke the desired emotions in my potential partner. If it became obvious that I really disliked golf, my potential partner would start to feel as if I had been inauthentic in setting up a game. Just because you’re focusing on the other person and their emotions doesn’t mean you should neglect your own. Arrange an outing that conforms reasonably well with both of your personalities and tastes, so that you can both relax and enjoy yourselves.

一个警告：假设你的姐姐喜欢打高尔夫球，而你讨厌打高尔夫球。如果你必须安排一次谈话，请她帮助你生病的母亲，你仍然可以建议打一场高尔夫球，如果你安排如下：“看，明年我似乎要出去打高尔夫球，因为我要和一些客户见面。我们下周可以去球场打三四个洞吗，这样你就可以教我怎么打高尔夫球了？我知道你真的很喜欢打高尔夫球，我不想在客户面前丢脸。”假设你明年真的要和客户打高尔夫球，而且担心自己会丢脸，这将是与你姐姐谈话的好借口。她会处在一个她喜欢的环境中，你会得到一些你真正需要的高尔夫指导。同时，你让你的姐姐处于权威地位，让她感到有权力、被认可和重要——所有这些积极的情绪都可能使她更容易接受你关于你母亲的请求。

One caveat: Let’s say your sister loves golf, and you hate it. If you have to arrange a conversation to ask her for help with your ailing mother, you might still suggest a golf game if you set it up as follows: “Look, next year it looks like I’m going to have to go out golfing because of some client meetings I have. Could we go out on the course next week and play three or four holes so that you could show me how to play? I know you really love it, and I don’t want to embarrass myself with my clients.” Assuming that you really would have to golf with clients next year and were worried about embarrassing yourself, this would be a great pretext for a conversation with your sister. She’ll be in an environment she loves, and you’ll get some golf instruction, which you really need. Meanwhile, you’re putting your sister in a position of authority, leaving her feeling empowered, validated, and important—all positive emotions that might make her more receptive to your request about your mother.

当你考虑如何执行你的借口时，请记住：你所做的或说的一切都必须符合这些借口，否则你的借口就会显得站不住脚。如果你要参加孩子的学校会议，而你的借口是“负责任的父母”，那么不要散发大麻味，也不要穿一件贴有大麻叶贴纸的 T 恤。如果你自称是“耐心和细心的朋友”，那么不要每隔三秒钟就检查一次你的 iPhone。如果你想成为“有同情心的父亲”，那么不要大发雷霆，说“你到底怎么了？”这样的话。

As you consider how to execute your pretexts, remember: everything you do or say has to align with them, or your pretext will seem flimsy. If you’re attending a school meeting for your kid and your pretext is “the responsible parent,” don’t reek of pot and wear a T-shirt with a decal of marijuana leaves on it. If you’re claiming to be the “patient and attentive friend,” don’t check your iPhone every three seconds. And if you’re trying to be the “empathetic dad,” don’t blow your top and say things like, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

确保不要因为最初的失败而放弃太快地拒绝你的借口。想象一下，当你请求你姐姐帮忙照顾年迈的母亲时，你听到她的拒绝，然后你生气地脱口而出：“我就知道你会是个自私的人！这太典型了！”你会在姐姐眼中显得多么不真诚。你最好还是保持借口，并这样回答：“我知道，这是一个巨大的要求，而且需要很多钱。这也是我所苦苦挣扎的地方。如果我们都负担不起，你认为我们能做什么？”这样的回答可以让谈话继续下去，让你继续认可你的姐姐并请求她的帮助。你可能无法得到你想要的一切，但你仍然可以得到一些东西。也许你的姐姐会回答说：“听着，现在我刚修了一次大修车，我不想重新抵押房子。我现在可以负担得起两三千美元，我会在接下来的八到九个月里尽可能多地捐。这样可以吗？”如果您的借口被揭穿并大喊大叫，她可能永远不会提出这个提议。

Be sure as well not to let an initial failure prompt you to abandon your pretext too quickly. Imagine how inauthentic you would appear to your sister if, when asking for help caring for your aging mother, you hear a no from her and then angrily blurt out: “I knew you were going to be a selfish pig! How typical!” You’re far better off staying in pretext and responding with something like, “I know, this is a huge ask and a ton of money. That is what I am struggling with, too. What do you think we can do if we both can’t afford it?” Such a response keeps the conversation going, allowing you to continue to validate your sister and request her help. You might not obtain everything you want, but you could still get something. Maybe your sister will reply, “Look, right now I just had a massive car repair, and I don’t want to re-mortgage the house. I can afford to contribute two or three thousand dollars now, and I’ll give more as I can over the next eight to nine months. Is that okay?” She might never have put forward this offer if you had broken your pretext and yelled.

父母们会发现这种动态很熟悉。你正坐在沙发上，你那珍贵、美丽的五岁小女儿爬到你身上。她温柔地拥抱你，亲吻你的脸颊，说：“爸爸，我爱你。”当你的心里充满爱和幸福时，她说：“我可以在网上买到我想要的新玩具吗？拜托，爸爸？”你看着她说：“对不起，亲爱的，现在不行。”她的脸红了，她说：“你为什么这么刻薄？？”她刚刚放弃了自己的借口。

Parents will find this dynamic familiar. You’re sitting there on the couch, and your precious, beautiful, little five-year-old daughter comes crawling up on you. She gently hugs you and kisses your cheek and says, “Daddy, I love you.” As your heart swells with love and happiness, she says, “Can I get this new toy I want online? Pleeeeeaassseeee, Daddy?” You look at her and say, “Sorry, honey, not right now.” Her face reddens, and she says, “WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN??” She just broke with her pretext.

相反，我的女儿阿玛雅和我曾经开过一次会，我告诉她三四次不要到处乱跑，不要发出那么多噪音。“如果你再这样做，”我说，“我们就去后面打她屁股。”你猜怎么着？她照做了。

Conversely, my own daughter Amaya and I were once in a meeting, and I told her three or four times to stop running around and making so much noise. “If you do this again,” I said, “we’ll go in the back for a spanking.” Guess what? She did it.

我站起来，叫她跟我走，说了句父亲常用的、不祥的话：“你知道现在会发生什么。”当我们到了后面的房间时，我说：“阿玛娅，我告诉过你五次不要噪音，而且你知道后果，所以现在必须有一些纪律。”

I stood up and told her to come with me, saying the normal, ominous dad thing: “You know what has to happen now.” When we got to the back room, I said, “Amaya, I told you five times not to make noise, and you know the consequences, so now there has to be some discipline.”

她抬头看着我，抓住我的手，说：“爸爸，我很抱歉。我知道你警告过我，现在该是我挨打的时候了，但在你打之前，我们可以坐在这里一会儿吗，这样我可以拥抱你，告诉你我有多抱歉？”

She looked up at me, grabbed my hands, and said, “Daddy, I’m sorry. I know you warned me and now it’s time for my spanking, but before you do, can we just sit here for a minute so I can give you a hug to tell you how sorry I am?”

“你认为这会让你失去纪律吗？”我问道。

“Do you think this is going to get you out of discipline?” I asked.

“不，爸爸，”她说，“我知道你必须这么做——你警告过我。但我真的很抱歉。”说完她就张开双臂抱住了我，紧紧地抱住了我。她亲吻了我的脸颊，然后说：“好吧，我准备好了。”

“No, Daddy,” she said. “I know you have to do this—you warned me. But I am really sorry.” And with that she threw her arms around me and hugged me really tight. She kissed me on the cheek and then said, “Okay, I’m ready.”

那天她不仅没有挨打，而且她这辈子再也没有挨过我的打。坚持借口非常重要。

Not only did she not get a spanking that day, but she never received one again in her life from me. Sticking with pretext is so important.

保持借口和执行的简单性也很重要。你不需要考虑每一个细节。以我的员工文斯为例，他因为背痛而缺席了。如果我试图与“富有同情心的老板”展开对话，我不需要以表达同情的名义，详细地告诉文斯我上次经历的严重伤害，这些伤害影响了我的工作表现。几个精心挑选的细节就可以了。如果我说得太多，我可能会让文斯感到厌烦，让他很失望。更糟糕的是，我可能会给人留下“太努力”与他建立联系的印象。他会怀疑我是在为这次谈话准备自己的别有用心。他会认为我很虚伪，不太愿意信任我。

It’s also vital to keep your pretexts and their execution simple. You don’t need to think through every last detail. Consider the example of my employee Vince who was MIA because of his back pain. If I’m trying to initiate a conversation by the “compassionate boss,” I don’t need to tell Vince in excruciating detail about every last time I experienced a terrible injury that affected my on-the-job performance, in the guise of conveying my empathy. A couple of well-chosen details will do. If I say too much, I might frustrate Vince by boring him to tears. Even worse, I might come across as “trying too hard” to forge a connection with him. He’ll suspect that I’ve scripted this conversation with my own ulterior motives in mind. He’ll see me as fake and be less inclined to confide in me.

在执行借口时，通过调动我们在上一章中讨论的 DISC 分析来提高你的水平。假设你是一位老板，你需要提醒表现不佳的员工他们做错了什么，并激励他们付出更多努力，做得更好。如果你的员工是“I”型的人，非常外向、热情洋溢，并且如果他们的表达带有情绪，您可能希望以书面形式传达您的借口，同时提供面对面或电话后续对话。如果您最初以对话形式提供反馈，他们可能会变得防御性十足，与您逐一争论。您最终会进行辩论而不是富有成效的对话。以书面形式提供反馈将使他们有时间克服情绪并处理您所说的内容。

When executing pretexts, up your game by mobilizing the DISC analysis we discussed in the last chapter. Let’s say you’re a boss, and you need to alert your underperforming employee to what they’re doing wrong and motivate them to put out more effort and do better. If your employee is an “I” type who is very outgoing, effuse, and emotional in their expression, you might wish to deliver your pretext in writing while also offering a follow-up conversation in person or over the phone. If you present the feedback initially in conversational form, they’ll likely become defensive, arguing with you point for point. You’ll wind up having a debate rather than a productive conversation. Delivering your feedback in writing will allow them time to get past their emotions and process what you’re saying.

相反，如果你的员工属于“C”类，那么打电话或当面会面可能更合适。你的“C”类员工希望详细了解你的反馈，而通过交谈，你可以充分解释自己，并处理员工的澄清问题。如果你的员工属于“D”类，那么打电话或当面会面也可能会很合适。“D”类员工不需要太多细节——他们希望你直接与他们沟通，并快速切入主题。如果给 D 类员工发一封冗长的电子邮件，他们更有可能对你的反馈感到沮丧，无论反馈的内容和真实性如何。

If your employee is a “C” type, by contrast, a phone call or in-person meeting might be preferable. Your “C”-type employee will want to understand your feedback in detail, and a conversation will allow you to explain yourself fully and handle your employee’s clarifying questions. A phone call or in-person meeting might also be indicated if your employee is a “D” type. “D”s don’t need a ton of detail—they want you to be direct with them and get quickly to the point. Send a D a lengthy email, and they’re more inclined to become frustrated with your feedback, regardless of its substance and veracity.

这里更一般的一点是做好功课。事先收集有关你感兴趣的人的信息，就像我试图攻破的仓库一样。你知道的越多，你就越清楚哪些借口有效，哪些借口无效。这听起来可能有点可怕，但当我准备与某人进行一场艰难的谈话时，我会查看他们最近的社交媒体帖子，寻找可能与我们需要解决的问题相关的生活发展线索。有时，这些线索可以帮助我更清楚地确定谈话的目标，或者提出一个对他们来说更有可能看起来相关或有趣的借口。我发现的信息还可以阻止我说或做一些几乎肯定会让他们反感的事情。举一个极端的例子，如果我通过社交媒体得知我打算向他求助的朋友失去了一只心爱的宠物，我显然不会以询问他的狗怎么样来开始谈话。相反，我可能会表示哀悼。

A more general point here is to do your homework. Gather information about your person of interest beforehand, as I did with the warehouse I was seeking to compromise. The more you know, the more clarity you will have about which pretexts will or will not work. It might sound creepy, but when I’m gearing up for a difficult conversation with someone, I’ll check their recent social media postings, searching for clues about developments in their life that might relate to the problem we need to resolve. Sometimes, such clues help me define my goals for the conversation more clearly or frame a pretext that is more likely to seem relevant or interesting to them. Information I uncover also prevents me from saying or doing something that is almost guaranteed to turn them off. As an extreme example, if I learn via social media that a friend whom I plan to approach for a favor has lost a beloved pet, I obviously wouldn’t initiate the conversation by asking how his dog is. Instead, I might offer my condolences.

准备工作虽然重要，但也不能过度。如果你的故事太完美，或者你加入了太多无关的细节，那么你就会在你的目标人物的脑海中敲响警钟。力求在自发性和准备之间取得平衡，因为这将使对话听起来更真实。正如我告诉我的学生，你可以练习自发性，尽管这听起来可能很矛盾。挑战自己去公共场所，与完全陌生的人进行非脚本对话，目的是从他们那里获取一条简单的信息，比如他们的全名或生日。不要计划你的借口——只要接近人们并开始对话。尝试不同的开场白，看看会发生什么。有时你会成功，有时你会失败。当你进行多次这样的对话时，你会发现自己在即兴创作新的开场白，或者对之前的台词和表达方式进行小小的即兴调整。您将会更好地了解如何与陌生人交往，并且会感到更自在地自发地与陌生人交往。

As important as preparation is, you don’t want to take it to excess. If your story is too perfect, or again, if you include too much extraneous detail, you set off alarm bells in your person of interest’s mind. Aim for a balance between spontaneity and preparation, as that will give the conversation a ring of authenticity. As I tell my students, you can actually practice being spontaneous, as contradictory as that might sound. Challenge yourself to visit a public place and hold unscripted conversations with complete strangers with the aim of eliciting from them a single, simple piece of information, like their full name or date of birth. Don’t map out your pretext—just approach people and start conversations. Try different opening lines and see what happens. Sometimes you’ll succeed, other times you’ll fail. As you hold a number of these conversations, you’ll find yourself improvising new opening lines or making small, impromptu tweaks to your previous lines and to your delivery. You’ll walk away with a better sense of how to engage with strangers, and you’ll feel much more comfortable doing so spontaneously.

良好开端的力量

The Power of a Good Beginning

正如我们在本章中看到的，借口是一种安排谈话的艺术，这样别人就会同意继续谈话，而在这种情况下，他们可能会毫不客气地把门关在你面前——事实上，当理性或传统智慧几乎要求他们应该这样做时。如果你提供了一个绝妙的借口，引发了别人的正确情绪，并阻碍了他们的批判性思维过程，你就可以暂时让他们的小门敞开，因为你让他们想给你一个机会。即使是看似不可能的事情也可以触手可及。

As we’ve seen in this chapter, pretexting is the art of setting up conversations so that other people will agree to continue them, in situations when they might otherwise slam the door unceremoniously in your face—indeed, when reason or conventional wisdom almost dictates that they should. If you deliver an amazing pretext, eliciting the right emotions in others and short-circuiting their critical thinking processes, you can keep that little door of theirs cracked open for the time being, because you’re making them want to give you a chance. Even the seemingly impossible can remain in reach.

我在介绍中提到，我曾经成功说服一家高档餐厅的老板雇用我，尽管我没有任何经验。我当场给出令人信服的借口的能力至关重要。我对新职业感到厌倦，渴望尝试新事物。看到路标上写着“招聘厨师”，我要求与主厨谈话。本能地采用“超级自信但不自大的求职者”作为借口，我握了握他的手说：“嗨，我是克里斯。我是你的新厨师。”我希望他对我有信心，相信我能胜任这份工作。为了引起这种情绪，我决定自己表现出自信，并用轻松和有趣的感觉来缓和它。

I mentioned in the introduction that I once managed to convince the owner of a fancy restaurant to hire me, even though I had zero experience. My ability to deliver a compelling pretext on the spot was critical. I was bored in my new career, and eager to try something new. Spotting a road sign that said, “chef wanted,” I asked to speak to the head chef. Instinctively adopting “the uber-confident-but-not-cocky job applicant” as my pretext, I shook his hand and said, “Hi, I’m Chris. I’m your new chef.” I wanted him to feel confident in me, trusting that I could do the job. To elicit that emotion, I decided that I would display confidence myself, tempering it with a sense of lightheartedness and fun.

“好的，”他说。“你的简历呢？你有什么资历？”

“Okay,” he said. “Where’s your résumé? What credentials do you have?”

“我没有任何资历，”我回答道。“我不需要它们。你应该尝尝我做的菜。我的饭菜就是我的简历。”

“I don’t have any credentials,” I replied. “I don’t need them. You should taste what I can cook. My meal will be my résumé.”

“好吧，”他指着身后的工业冰箱和炉灶说道，“给我做点东西吧。”

“Fine,” he said, gesturing behind him toward the industrial refrigerator and the stovetop. “Cook me something.”

我走到冰箱前，拿出一些肉、蔬菜、椰奶和香料，给他做了一些泰国菜（多亏我的妻子，她是泰国后裔，我学会了一些非常美味的咖喱菜）。看着我做饭，他说：“这是我经历过的最不寻常的面试。”

I went to the refrigerator, took out some meat, vegetables, coconut milk, and spices, and made him some Thai food (thanks to my wife, who is of Thai descent, I had learned to make some pretty great curry dishes). Watching me cook, he said, “This is the most unorthodox job interview I’ve ever done.”

我点点头。“是的，我们可以经历多次面试，我会坐下来滔滔不绝地讲个不停，但最后，除非我给你做点什么，否则你是不会雇用我的。所以，我们直接说吧。”

I nodded. “Yeah, we can go through this whole process of multiple interviews, where I sit and talk on and on, but in the end, you’re not going to hire me until I cook you something. So let’s just cut to the chase.”

饭菜做好后，我把一些菜装进盘子里递给他。他仔细观察了摆盘，闻了闻菜的味道，尝了一口。他的眼睛亮了起来。“你被录用了。”

When the food was ready, I placed some into a dish and handed it to him. He studied the presentation, sniffed the dish, and took a taste. His eyes lit up. “You’re hired.”

当然，既然我被录用了，我必须完成任务——鉴于我缺乏经验，这并不容易，但我做到了。我的新老板让我给他做一些其他的菜，也许可以放在菜单上。因为我没有，所以我回家花了几天时间研究和我练习了几道菜。在接下来的几个月里，我设法让他和厨房里的其他人在日常工作中教我基本的烹饪技巧，而他们从不怀疑我的能力。例如，我甚至不知道如何切蔬菜丝。当我的新老板让我这么做时，我说：“你知道，每个人切蔬菜丝的方法都不一样。你为什么不把你的完美方法给我看看，让我可以模仿你呢？”他照做了，我也照做了。由于我愿意在工作中学习，以及我在棘手情况下灵活变通和躲避的能力，我很快成为了一名有价值的员工。我在这份工作上呆了两年，只是因为觉得无聊，想尝试其他工作才离开的。

Of course, now that I was hired, I had to deliver—not easy given my lack of experience, but I made it happen. My new boss asked me to cook him some other recipes that we could perhaps put on the menu. Since I didn’t have any, I went home and spent days researching and practicing a couple of recipes. Over the next few months, I finagled it so that he and others in the kitchen taught me basic cooking skills as we did our daily work, without ever doubting my competence. For instance, I didn’t even know how to julienne vegetables. When my new boss asked me to do it, I said, “You know, everyone juliennes differently. Why don’t you show me your perfect method so that I can copy you?” He did, and I did. Thanks to my willingness to learn on the job, and my ability to shift and dodge around tricky situations, I quickly became a valued employee. I stayed on the job for two years, only leaving because I got bored and wanted to try something else.

借口让我获得了机会，让我能够在毫无经验的情况下获得高级职位。但这只是一个开始。在任何对话中，情况都是类似的。一旦门打开了，你就必须知道如何跟进，否则你将一事无成。黑客通过建立他们有效的借口，在他们和他们的“目标”之间建立一个非常特殊的共同点空间。他们在几秒钟内几乎自动地做到这一点，甚至在目标还没有意识到之前。如果建立了这个共同点，他们就离实现目标很近了，不管目标是什么。如果没有，他们就没有什么希望了（除非他们愿意背离道德并开始操纵他人，而我不会）。专业人士称这种建立共同点的行为为建立融洽关系，我想你会发现，它与你可能遇到的几乎任何社交场合都有关，从在鸡尾酒会上遇到陌生人，到与老朋友重新联系，再到告诉你的配偶真正困扰你的事情。让我们来看看融洽关系，以及如何比你想象的更好地建立融洽关系。

Pretexting got me in the door, enabling me to talk my way into a senior-level position with zero experience. But it was only a beginning. Something similar holds true in any conversation you might have. Once the door is open, you have to know how to follow up, or you won’t get anywhere. Hackers build on their effective pretexts by creating a very special space of common ground between themselves and their “targets.” They do this in a matter of seconds and almost automatically, before their target has even realized it. If this common ground is established, they’re well on the way to achieving their goals, whatever those happen to be. If it’s not, they haven’t got much of a prayer (unless they’re willing to depart from ethics and start manipulating people, which I’m not). Professionals call this act of creating common ground building rapport, and as I think you’ll find, it’s relevant to virtually any social encounter you might have, from meeting strangers at a cocktail party, to reconnecting with an old friend, to telling your spouse what’s really bothering you. Let’s take a look at rapport, and how to become better at building it than you ever imagined.

滑板运动员和催产素

Of Skater Dudes and Oxytocin

建立融洽关系乍一看似乎并不特别复杂。再看一遍，也并不复杂。我们可能生活在一个智能手机和摩天大楼的世界，但我们的大脑却和我们生活在部落群体中、在森林中漫游和觅食时一样。我们更倾向于帮助那些与我们保持某种共同纽带的人，无论我们的纽带是基于共同的社会阶层、职业、种族、信仰、生活阶段、亲和力还是经历。1如果你想让刚认识的人遵从你的愿望，那么首先建立共同点，让他们感觉自己正在与同组成员互动，成功的机会就会大得多。

Building rapport might not seem especially complicated at first glance. It’s not complicated at second glance, either. We might live in a world of smartphones and skyscrapers, but our brains are wired as they were when we subsisted in tribal groups roaming woodlands and foraging for food. We feel more inclined to help others with whom we maintain some kind of communal attachment, whether our bond is based on a shared social class, profession, ethnicity, belief, life stage, affinity, or experience.1 If you want someone you’ve just met to comply with your wishes, you stand a far better chance of succeeding by first establishing common ground, making them feel like they’re interacting with a fellow group member.

在我的课堂上，我通过询问准学生来介绍融洽关系的概念人类黑客会记住高中食堂的午餐时间是什么样的。如果你的高中和我的高中一样，你和你的同学会和各自的部落坐在一起——运动员、书呆子、朋克、滑板手。每个人都知道自己属于哪个部落，通过内部语言、举止和着装公开地认同某个部落（事实：我是滑板手部落的一员，这意味着我穿着宽松的裤子和链式钱包）。这种认同有助于在原本可能不太了解彼此的学生之间建立某种初步的融洽关系。如果学校里碰巧穿得像滑板手的新生漫步到书呆子桌前，问一个关于即将到来的学校舞会的无知问题，那么这四个基本问题就会成为一个障碍，因为书呆子们不认识滑板手。这些书呆子会想：你为什么在这里？你想要什么？你会占用我多少宝贵的时间？你是个威胁吗？但如果这名溜冰者走近溜冰者的桌子，装出一副无聊和漠不关心的样子，问同样的问题，那么溜冰者们心中大部分甚至所有的问题都会得到答案，因为他们会仅凭外表就接受这个新来的孩子作为部落的一员。

In my classes, I introduce the concept of rapport by asking would-be human hackers to remember what lunchtime was like at their high school cafeterias. If your high school was anything like mine, you and your fellow students sat with your respective tribes—the jocks, nerds, punks, skaters. Everybody knew where they belonged, openly identifying with a tribe through insider language, demeanor, and dress (fact: I was part of the skater tribe, which meant I wore baggy pants and a chain wallet). Such identification served to establish at least some kind of initial rapport between students who might not have otherwise known one another very well. If the new kid at school who happened to dress like a skater sauntered up to the nerd table and posed an innocent question about, say, the upcoming school dance, the four baseline questions would have posed a hurdle, because the nerds didn’t know the skater. These nerds would have wondered: Why are you here? What do you want? How much of my valuable time will you take up? Are you a threat? But if the skater approached the skater’s table and, affecting boredom and nonchalance, asked the same question, most or all of those questions would have been answered in the skaters’ minds, because they would have accepted the new kid as a member of the tribe based on visual appearance alone.

研究人员现在知道，这些令人讨厌的高中社交动态根植于人类生物学。建立融洽关系有助于触发一种名为催产素的强力激素的释放。在一系列研究中，研究人员将大脑中催产素的存在与信任和慷慨行为的体验联系起来。他们还发现，激发人们的同理心会促使他们的催产素水平上升，进而导致慷慨行为。在一项研究中，研究人员通过让人们观看一段描绘一名身患癌症的儿童的视频来提高催产素水平。催产素水平的提高反过来“预示着制作该视频的慈善机构会收到更多的捐款”。催产素还与其他“积极的社交行为”有关，比如眼神交流或识别他人的情绪。2

As researchers now know, these annoying high school social dynamics are rooted in human biology. Rapport building helps trigger the release of a powerful hormone called oxytocin. In a series of studies, researchers linked the presence of oxytocin in the brain to experiences of trust and acts of generosity. As they also found, arousing feelings of empathy in people prompted their oxytocin levels to rise, which in turn led to generous behavior. In one study, researchers elevated oxytocin levels by exposing people to a video that portrayed a child desperately ill with cancer. Those higher levels of oxytocin in turn “predicted larger donations to the charity that produced the video.” Oxytocin has also been linked to other “positive social behaviors,” like making eye contact or recognizing other people’s emotions.2

当我们建立融洽关系时，无论是在高中食堂，还是在家里或工作场所，我们建立的联系感都会在他人身上产生一丝催产素，使他们对我们产生信任、联系和慷慨。这是一种强大的动力，精明的经营者会利用这种动力来诱使潜在的不情愿的目标按照他们的意愿行事。狡猾的销售人员不会在汽车经销店直接接近你，直接要求你购买一辆价格过高且远远超出他们知道你能负担得起的汽车。不，他们会和你闲聊，了解你，给你端上咖啡，为你们上过同一所高中或喜欢同一支足球队而高兴。经验丰富的政客不会直接出来请求你的投票。他们会露出百万美元的微笑，握你的手，抱你的孩子，或者发表一些表明他们熟悉当地文化的评论——所有这些都是为了让你觉得自己是同胞，甚至是亲密的私人朋友。当然，成功的骗子严重依赖融洽关系来让毫无戒心的受害者心甘情愿地交出他们的金钱、信息或其他贵重物品。

When we build rapport, whether it’s in high school cafeterias or in our homes or workplaces, the sense of connectedness we establish produces a tiny hit of oxytocin in others, leading them to feel trust, connection, and generosity toward us. It’s a powerful dynamic and one that shrewd operators deploy to induce potentially reluctant targets to do their bidding. Shady salespeople don’t just approach you at the car dealership and ask you flat out to buy a car that’s overpriced and well beyond what they know you can afford. No, they chitchat with you, get to know you, offer you coffee, rejoice in the fact that you both attended the same high school or love the same football team. Seasoned politicians don’t just come out and ask for your vote. They flash their million-dollar smiles, shake your hand, hold your baby, or make a comment that suggests their familiarity with your local culture—all attempts to make you feel like you’re a fellow tribesperson, if not a close, personal friend. And of course, successful scammers rely heavily on rapport to get unsuspecting victims to willingly hand over their money, information, or other valuables.

在一种常见的骗局中，骗子会假装来自微软或苹果等公司，打电话给人们，声称他们想帮助他们解决计算机软件问题。如果受害者提供某些信息或点击看似无害的链接，他们就会无意中向骗子提供个人信息，如银行账户、密码等；骗子甚至可能劫持计算机并索要赎金。3为了建立融洽的关系，骗子会表现得友好而有礼貌，与受害者进行轻松的交谈。在美国，他们通常会通过口音和语调给人留下印度女性的印象。由于人们一般认为女性没有威胁性，而美国人往往将印度人与客户支持角色联系起来，因此受害者毫不犹豫地按照骗子的要求去做。他们认为电话另一端的陌生人和他们一样有基本的正派感，没有理由别这么想。诈骗者巧妙地建立了这一共同点，让受害者的大脑中充满了催产素。融洽关系等于催产素等于信任等于进入受害者银行账户的头等舱机票。

In one common scam, crooks pretending to be from companies like Microsoft or Apple call people up, claiming they want to help them resolve a computer software problem. If the victim provides certain information or clicks on a seemingly innocuous link, they inadvertently provide the scammer access to personal information like bank accounts, passwords, and the like; the scammer might even hijack the computer and demand a ransom.3 To build rapport, scammers will seem friendly and polite, engaging victims in light conversation. In the United States, they’ll usually come across, via their accents and tones of voice, as being females from India. Since people in general tend to regard women as nonthreatening, and Americans tend to associate Indians with customer support roles, victims think nothing of doing as these scammers ask. They assume that the stranger on the other end of the line shares their basic sense of decency and have no reason to think otherwise. Having deftly established this common ground, the scammers have the oxytocin flowing in their victims’ brains. Rapport equals oxytocin equals trust equals a first-class ticket into a victim’s bank account.

人类黑客专家只需要几秒钟的精心互动就能建立融洽关系。这是因为我们人类不仅仅是部落的。我们还倾向于根据刻板印象对遇到的人做出快速判断。我们通过评估一些主要非语言的关键因素来做出这些判断，例如着装、发型、肤色等。要建立融洽关系，你必须快速评估人们，对他们是谁以及他们可能属于哪个部落有一个清晰但肤浅的了解，并找到一种个人联系的方式。你不是在建立深厚或持久的友谊，而只是建立足够的联系，这样人们就不会提高他们的精神力场并开始质疑你的动机。

Expert hackers of humans need only a few seconds of well-tailored interaction to build rapport. That’s because we humans aren’t merely tribal. We also tend to make snap decisions about people we encounter based on stereotypes. And we make these judgments by assessing a few key factors that are primarily nonverbal, such as dress, hairstyle, skin color, and so on. To build rapport, you must quickly size people up, arrive at a clear but superficial understanding of who they are and what tribe they might belong to, and find a way to connect personally. You’re not establishing a deep or enduring friendship, just enough of a bond so that people don’t raise their psychic force fields and begin questioning your motivations.

和借口一样，你可以使用肢体语言和语言来建立共同点。畅销书作家、前联邦调查局行为专家乔·纳瓦罗告诉我一次难忘的经历，他必须从另一名特工手中接过线人（或联邦调查局术语中的“人力资产”）的处理。这是一项微妙的工作：线人冒着生命危险与联邦调查局合作并提供针对罪犯的证据。他们依赖于与管理者之间的信任关系。破坏这种关系，线人可能会消失或停止合作，担心他们的安全。乔必须与线人建立牢固的工作关系，以某种方式保留甚至加强前任特工建立的信任。

As with pretexting, you can use body language as well as words to establish common ground. Bestselling author and former FBI behavioral expert Joe Navarro told me of a memorable occasion in which he had to take over the handling of an informant (or in FBI lingo, a “human asset”) from another agent. It was a delicate business: informants risk their lives to cooperate with the FBI and provide evidence against criminals. They depend on the trusting relationship they have with their handlers. Disrupt that relationship, and the informant might disappear or stop cooperating, fearing for their safety. Joe had to establish a strong working relationship with the informant, somehow retaining and even building on the trust that the previous agent had established.

挑战尤其艰巨，因为线人——我称他为鲍里斯——是一位八十多岁的俄语男子，而他在联邦调查局的前任经理是一位五十五岁左右的经验丰富的特工。而乔，只有二十五岁，最近才重新乔试图招募新成员。他怎么可能与一个来自不同文化和语言背景、可能是他祖父的人建立共同点呢？“我有一个建立融洽关系的计划，”乔回忆起他们第一次见面时说，“但当我走进房间第一次见到他时，一切都变了。”在打量了鲍里斯之后，乔意识到特工在这种情况下可能采取的标准方法——展现他的专业权威，非常正式地和鲍里斯说话，并向他保证他会很安全——是行不通的。“这家伙显然是个有成就的人，”乔说。“他经历过苏联占领[他的国家]。他知道如何读懂我——什么是形式上的，什么是发自内心的。他知道，作为一个 25 岁的年轻人，我几乎不了解我的工作。所以，正如他们所说，不要欺骗骗子——在这种情况下，我不会这么做。”

The challenge was especially great given that the informant—I’ll call him Boris—was a Russian-speaking man in his eighties, and his previous handler at the FBI was an experienced agent in his mid- to late fifties. Joe, meanwhile, was all of twenty-five years old, a recent recruit to the bureau. How would he possibly establish common ground with a man from a different cultural and linguistic background who could have been his grandfather? “I had a plan for building rapport,” Joe said, recalling their initial meeting, “but when I walked into the room to meet him for the first time, everything changed.” Sizing Boris up, Joe realized that the standard approach that an agent in this situation might take—projecting his professional authority, speaking very formally to Boris and assuring him that he would remain safe—wouldn’t work. “This guy was obviously an accomplished individual,” Joe said. “He had lived through the Soviet occupation [of his country]. He knew how to read me—what was pro forma and what was from the heart. And he knew that as a twenty-five-year-old, I barely knew my job. So, as they say, don’t deceive a deceiver—and in this instance, I wasn’t about to do that.”

乔认为鲍里斯的心态是旧世界的；尊重和顺从对长辈很重要。他没有表现出自己作为特工的权威，而是先与鲍里斯握手，然后稍微低下头，避免眼神接触，并斜着身子坐下——所有这些都表明他很顺从，而不是试图宣称统治或控制。当鲍里斯要茶时，乔也照做了，尽管他更喜欢咖啡。乔没有像特工通常做的那样在谈话中避免透露个人信息，而是公开讲述了他家族的痛苦历史——他的亲戚如何勉强逃离菲德尔·卡斯特罗的古巴，以及他的父亲如何被捕和遭受折磨。“我可以看到他的面部肌肉开始放松，就在那时，我走到沙发上和他坐在一起，”乔说。在短短一两分钟的谈话中，他建立了融洽的关系。“我在他面前谦卑自己，然后继续让他知道，在我眼里他是受人尊敬的。”这是两个人三年成功的合作关系的开始。

Joe perceived that Boris had an old-world mentality; respect and deference shown to one’s elders mattered. Instead of projecting his authority as an agent, he bowed his head slightly while first shaking Boris’s hand, avoided eye contact, and sat down at an angle to him—all of which suggested deference on his part rather than an attempt to assert dominance or control. When Boris requested tea, Joe did the same, even though he preferred coffee. Instead of refraining from divulging personal information during their conversation, as an agent would normally do, Joe spoke openly about his family’s painful history—how his relatives had barely escaped Fidel Castro’s Cuba, and how his father had been arrested and tortured. “I could see his facial muscles begin to relax, and it was then that I came over to the couch and sat with him,” Joe said. In just a minute or two of conversation, he had established rapport. “I humbled myself before him and then just proceeded to let him know that in my eyes he was venerated.” It was the beginning of a successful, three-year relationship between the two men.

建立融洽关系而不牺牲你的灵魂

Build Rapport without Sacrificing Your Soul

阅读这样的故事或了解我与吸烟者交朋友的经历，你可能会发现自己对建立融洽关系抱有同样的担忧，就像人们有时对借口一样。乔在与鲍里斯的会面中如此有策略性，难道不是“虚伪”吗？他通常不会对线人表现出如此极端的尊重。他还点了茶，尽管他更喜欢咖啡。至于我，我撒了一个彻头彻尾的谎， 假装自己是一个假装戒烟的吸烟者。在这两种情况下，建立融洽关系的人似乎都在使用诡计和欺骗——这不是我们大多数人在日常交往中想做的事情。

Reading a story like this or learning about my own experience making friends with smokers, you might find yourself harboring some of the same concerns about rapport building that people sometimes have about pretexting. Wasn’t Joe being “fake” by approaching his encounter with Boris so strategically? He wouldn’t normally show such extreme deference to informants. He also asked for tea even though he preferred coffee. As for me, I perpetrated an outright lie in passing myself off as a smoker pretending to quit. In both of these instances, it seems that the builder of rapport was deploying guile and deception—not something most of us would want to do in the course of our everyday dealings.

我并不是提倡你撒谎来建立共同点——我只是在允许这种诡计的职业交往中这样做。在日常生活中，你在建立融洽关系过程中所说的或做的任何事都应该至少基于事实，并且应该让人们因为认识你而受益。一个假装是客服代表的骗子和你闲聊，这违反了道德底线（更不用说法律底线了），一个不道德的汽车销售员，他无法忍受足球，却假装喜欢你最喜欢的球队来促成交易，这也是违反道德底线的。在这两种情况下，都是在撒谎，建立融洽关系的人不会让他们的目标因为认识他们而受益。这正是像你我这样的善良守法的人必须避免的行为。

I’m not advocating that you lie to build common ground—I was only doing so in the context of a professional engagement that permitted this kind of subterfuge. In everyday life, anything you say or do in the course of building rapport should be at least rooted in truth, and it should leave people better off for having met you. A scammer who is making small talk with you while pretending to be a customer service representative is breaching an ethical line (not to mention a legal one), as is the unscrupulous car salesman who can’t stand football but who pretends to love your favorite team to make the sale. In both cases, lies are told and the person building rapport isn’t leaving their target better off for having met them. This is exactly the kind of conduct that good, law-abiding people like you and me must avoid.

相比之下，乔·纳瓦罗通常可能不会对线人表现出如此的尊重，但他在生活的其他方面确实对长辈表现出尊重，所以这样做本质上并不违背他的真实自我。即使他更喜欢咖啡而不是茶，他也绝对不会讨厌茶。喝茶是他表示善意的一个小举动，他这样做只是为了让鲍里斯感到被尊敬。乔可能有点走出了自己的舒适区，但也不是太多。他的行为让鲍里斯受益匪浅，同时也让他倾向于遵从乔的意愿。随着催产素在大脑中流淌，鲍里斯感到比他们互动之前更快乐、更亲密。他们两人现在都处于可能随着时间的推移加深融洽关系的状态。

By contrast, Joe Navarro might not have ordinarily shown such deference to an informant, but he did show deference to elders in other areas of his life, so doing so was not inherently at odds with his authentic self. Even if he preferred coffee over tea, he didn’t absolutely detest tea. Partaking of it was a small gesture of kindness on his part, an offering made with the simple intention of helping Boris feel venerated. Joe might have ventured a bit out of his comfort zone, but not too much. And his actions left Boris better off while also inclining him to comply with Joe’s wishes. With that hit of oxytocin coursing through his brain, Boris felt happier and more connected than before their interaction. The two of them were now both in a position to possibly deepen their level of rapport over time.

和借口一样，建立融洽关系需要运用一定程度的策略或姿态。但同样，这种策略是：a) 不可避免的，b) 是一件好事。我们大多数人在日常生活中都会自然而然地尝试与他人建立关系，无论是与隔壁邻居友好地开个玩笑，在会议开始前与业务同事闲聊，还是微笑着询问杂货店店员在称熟食肉时他们做得怎么样。通过掌握建立融洽关系的技巧，我们只是在更有意识、更频繁地与他人建立情感联系。虽然我们可能有一个自私的目的，但我们仍然会让遇到的人的生活变得更好一点，无论是陌生人还是我们已经认识的人。

Like pretexting, rapport building involves the application of a certain amount of strategizing or posturing. But here again, that strategy is: a) unavoidable and b) a good thing. Most of us naturally try to build relationships with others in the course of our daily lives, whether it’s engaging in a bit of friendly banter with our next-door neighbors, schmoozing with our business colleagues before the start of a meeting, or smiling and asking a grocery clerk how they’re doing as they weigh our deli meat. By mastering the skill of rapport building, we’re just doing this work of connecting emotionally with others more deliberately and often. While we might have a selfish purpose in mind, we’re still making life just a little bit better for those we encounter, both strangers and people we already know.

我们常常在一天中与他人保持距离，忽视他人的需求。我们埋头看手机，一走进电梯就忘记了互动。我们被封闭在舒适的媒体泡沫中，发现社会、文化和政治差异如此令人生畏，以至于我们甚至不想去协商。然而，通过熟练地建立融洽关系，我们可以训练自己为他人着想，习惯性地跨越鸿沟来建立或加深联系。我们可以养成建立共同点的习惯，而不是忽视或试图说服那些不支持我们信仰的人。我们这个两极分化的社会需要更多的融洽关系建立，而不是更少。正如我们将要看到的，我们总会发现，当人们遵从我们的意愿时，只需要一点点社交礼仪就能起到很大的作用。

So often, we go about our day distanced from others and oblivious to their needs. We bury our noses in our phones and forget to interact as we step into an elevator. Sealed away in our comfortable media bubbles, we find social, cultural, and political differences so daunting we don’t even try to negotiate them. By becoming skilled at rapport building, however, we can train ourselves to think about others and reach habitually across the chasm to make or deepen a connection. We can make a habit of building common ground rather than ignoring or trying to persuade others who don’t espouse our beliefs. Our violently polarized society needs more rapport building, not less. As we’ll invariably find, just a little bit of social nicety goes a long way when it comes to getting people to comply with our wishes.

想要讨好某人时，你也许并不总是清楚自己应该走多远。当我从事专业黑客工作时，在建立融洽关系的过程中，目标有时会要求我同意我认为令人厌恶的观点，或者做出违背我宗教信仰的行为。这是安全专业人员的职业风险。虽然这肯定会帮助我忍气吞声并按照目标的期望行事，但我总是会拒绝，并试图找到另一种方式来建立共同点。有一次，当我假扮某家公司的员工时，我不得不接近该公司的一群员工，试图从他们那里获取信息。在与他们交谈之前，我听到他们抱怨公司的女老板“凯西”，称她为“愚蠢的婊子”甚至更糟糕。当我自我介绍时，他们不仅继续诋毁这位老板，还邀请我加入他们，痛骂有权势的女性。“谢天谢地，凯西不是你的老板，”他们说。 “她真是个[填写你选择的脏话]。”

It might not always seem clear how far to go when trying to ingratiate yourself with someone. When I’m hacking professionally, targets sometimes ask me in the course of my rapport building to agree with opinions I find abhorrent or to behave in ways that violate my religious beliefs. It’s an occupational hazard of being a security professional. Although it would certainly help me to swallow hard and behave as my target expects, I will always decline and try to find another way to establish common ground. Once when posing as an employee of a particular company, I had to approach a group of employees at that company to try to obtain information from them. Before engaging them in conversation, I heard them complaining about “Kathy,” a female boss at the company, calling her a “stupid bitch” and much worse. When I introduced myself, they not only continued to denigrate this boss but invited me to join them in thrashing women in positions of power. “Thank God Kathy isn’t your boss,” they said. “She’s such a [fill in with the swear word of your choice].”

我本可以轻易且立即加入他们这群愤怒的男人的行列，赞同他们的观点并憎恨我过去的女老板，但是我不能允许自己这么做。我们的道德准则和我的个人信仰禁止我发表“与性别、性取向、种族、宗教或残疾有关的冒犯性言论（口头、书面或其他方式）。” 4过去遇到过类似的情况后，我知道我可以继续与他们建立融洽的关系而不必损害自己的利益。我就这么做了。“哦，是的，”我说，“我上一份工作中的老板就是这样的。我上一份工作中的那个家伙太可怕了。这就是我开始在这里工作的原因。”我没有找到根植于厌女症的共同点，而是找到了根植于对坏老板的沮丧感的共同点，无论他们的性别如何。

I might have easily and instantly joined their tribe of angry men by agreeing with them and hating on female bosses I’ve had in the past, but I couldn’t allow myself to do that. Our code of ethics and my own personal beliefs prevent me from making “offensive comments (verbal, written, or otherwise) related to gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, or disability.”4 Having encountered similar situations in the past, I also knew I could continue to build rapport with them without compromising myself. And that’s what I did. “Oh, yeah,” I said, “I had a boss like that. This guy I worked for at my last job, he was terrible. That’s why I started to work here.” Rather than find a common ground rooted in misogyny, I found one rooted in a frustration with bad bosses irrespective of their gender.

在社交场合中，违背他人的期望往往很难，尤其是当你与一群人打交道时。我们往往担心如果不“顺从”，就会被排除在群体之外，所以我们会牺牲自己的信念来顺从。然而，通过练习，你可以训练自己暂时摆脱恐惧，这样你就可以快速寻找并找到建立共同点的替代方法。你也可以预先计划可能出现的困难社交情况，思考如何处理它们。

It’s often hard in social situations to defy others’ expectations, especially if you’re engaging with a group of people. We tend to fear we’ll be excluded from the tribe if we don’t “go along,” and so we find ourselves sacrificing our beliefs to conform. With practice, however, you can train yourself to step back from your fears in the moment, so that you can quickly look for and find an alternate way of building common ground. You can also pre-plan for difficult social situations that might arise, thinking through how you’ll handle them.

有一次，我（应客户要求）闯入一栋大楼，在大厅里碰到员工在激烈争论是否允许学校教师携带武器。我试图与他们建立融洽的关系，成为他们中的一员，但我意识到自己处于一个双输的局面。这并不是因为我对枪支管制有强烈的信念——我能理解这个问题的双方。相反，我感觉到，我支持或反对枪支管制的任何言论，都有可能疏远一半的人。有一次，有人转过身来，直截了当地问我怎么想（没有双关语的意思）。我停顿了几秒钟思考。最后，我说：“你知道我怎么想吗？我认为学校里的孩子死亡是这个国家最糟糕的事情。而送孩子去学校时还要担心他们会死，这是一件非常非常糟糕的事情。”整个小组都沉默了。虽然他们在这个问题上意见不一，但确实有一个共同点——而我找到了。

On one occasion, I was breaking into a building (at a client’s request) and encountered employees in the lobby heatedly debating whether to allow teachers in schools to arm themselves. I was trying to build rapport and become a member of their tribe, but I realized I was in a no-win situation. It wasn’t that I had strong beliefs about gun control—I can identify with people on both sides of this issue. Rather, I sensed that anything I might have said for or against gun control would have risked alienating half of the group. At one point, someone turned to me and asked point-blank (no pun intended) what I thought. I paused for a few seconds to think. Finally, I said, “You know what I think? I think dead children in schools are the worst thing that can happen in this country. And having to send your kids to school worried about them dying is a horrible, horrible place to be.” The whole group went silent. Although they were bitterly opposed on this issue, there was indeed a common ground to be found—and I had found it.

您的亲戚、邻居或商业伙伴可能认同您认为令人厌恶的某些观点，或者您觉得他们与您没有多少共同点。与其避开这些人，不如学会伸出援手，同时又不牺牲自己的核心价值观。既然您已经认识这些人，那么您可以使用建立融洽关系的技巧来提高已经存在的（相对较低）融洽关系水平，无论您是否有希望他们遵从的特定要求。如果您在社交场合害羞或害怕，您可以变得更加自信和外向，同样无论您是否有自己的计划。为什么要等别人带您走出自己的壳？学会如何让他们走出自己的壳。您在建立融洽关系方面养成的纪律越多，您就越能意识到，看似无法跨越的距离实际上通常是可以跨越的。此外，您还会意识到，阻碍我们建立或加深联系的不一定是其他人，而是我们自己。

Chances are you have a relative, neighbor, or business colleague who subscribes to some belief you find abhorrent or who you feel shares little in common with you. Rather than avoiding these people, you can learn to extend a hand, without sacrificing your core values. Since you already know these people, you can use rapport-building skills to increase the (relatively low) level of rapport that already exists, whether or not you have a specific request with which you’d like them to comply. If you’re shy or fearful in social situations, you can become far more confident and outgoing, again regardless of whether you have an agenda of your own. Why wait for someone to bring you out of your shell? Learn how to bring them out of theirs. The more you develop a discipline around rapport building, the more you realize that the seemingly impossible distances that keep us from others are in fact usually bridgeable. Furthermore, you realize that it’s not necessarily these other people who are preventing us from making or deepening a connection—it’s us.

用参与的方式建立融洽关系——并运用“八”

ENGAGE Your Way to Rapport—and Use the “Eight”

给你一个挑战。走进星巴克，和坐在桌边或排队的陌生人交谈。不要找和你同龄或看起来与你有相同种族或社会经济背景的人。随便找一个人，试着成为他们部落的一员。想不出什么？学学我，用智能手机说话。假设你有一部安卓手机。走到一个拿着 iPhone 的人面前说：“嘿，我想从安卓换成 iPhone。你觉得你的手机怎么样？”根据我的经验，iPhone 用户会滔滔不绝地告诉你为什么他们的手机比安卓手机好一百万倍。当你问他们为什么并对他们说的话表现出兴趣时，你就认可了他们这个人，哪怕只是一点点。你们已经建立了共同点。不，你们不是 iPhone 用户，但你们都是对谈论 iPhone 为什么如此伟大的人感兴趣的人。

Here’s a challenge for you. Go into a Starbucks and speak to a stranger sitting at a table or standing in line. Don’t look for someone your age or who seems to share your race or socioeconomic background. Pick someone at random and try to become a member of their tribe. Can’t think of anything? Do what I do and fall back on your smartphone. Let’s say you have an Android phone. Walk up to someone with an iPhone and say, “Hey, I’m thinking of switching from Android to iPhone. What do you think of your phone?” In my experience, iPhone users will blab your ears off telling you why their phone is a million times better than an Android. As you ask them why and show interest in what they’re saying, you validate them as a person, if only in a small way. You’ve established common ground. No, you’re not both iPhone users, but you’re both in the tribe of people interested in talking about why iPhones are so great.

面对这样的挑战，我的学生经常会要求我提供一些简单的规则或指导方针，以便在社交场合（无论是自发的还是预先计划好的）建立融洽关系。他们希望我告诉他们这样的话：“当你试图与异性交谈时，请做这五件事”，或“要与千禧一代建立联系，请这样说”。抱歉，据我所知，没有广泛适用的规则。每种情况都不同，你必须当场思考，制定自己的建立融洽关系的策略。这似乎令人生畏，但事实并非如此。我遵循的思维过程归结为六个简单的步骤，我称之为 ENGAGE：

Confronted with a challenge like this, students of mine often ask for some easy rules or guidelines for developing rapport in social situations, whether spontaneously or in pre-planned encounters. They want me to tell them something like: “When you’re trying to talk to a member of the opposite sex, do these five things,” or “To connect with a millennial, say this.” Sorry, there are no rules I know of that apply broadly. Each situation is different, and you have to think on the spot, devising your own strategy for building rapport. That might seem daunting, but it really isn’t. The thought process I follow boils down to six simple steps, what I call ENGAGE:

ENGAGE 听起来可能很难记住，特别是因为你需要在意外相遇时在几秒钟内完成这些步骤。为了帮助你掌握 ENGAGE，请访问 www.HumanHackingBook.com 的资源部分，下载一张印有六个步骤的钱包大小的小卡片；你可以随身携带，在进入社交场合之前查阅。在你练习建立融洽关系四五次之后，这些步骤就会开始成为你的第二天性。将 ENGAGE 框架视为心理训练轮，在你练习建立融洽关系时很容易脱落。但你确实需要练习——从现在开始。

ENGAGE might sound like a lot to remember, especially since you need to run through these steps in a matter of seconds during an unplanned encounter. To help you master ENGAGE, go to the resources section at www.HumanHackingBook.com and download a small, wallet-sized card printed with the six steps; you can carry it with you and consult it just before entering social situations. After you practice rapport building four or five times, these steps will begin to feel second nature. Think of the ENGAGE framework as mental training wheels that readily fall off as you practice rapport building. But you do need to practice—starting now.

在 ENGAGE 的所有步骤中，初学者最难掌握的是第五个步骤“试一试”。在规划下一次互动时，可以借鉴畅销书作家、前 FBI 行为专家 Robin Dreeke 的一些智慧。以下是建立融洽关系的八种杀手级技巧，在日常生活中与他人寻求共同点时要牢记：

Of all the steps in ENGAGE, beginners struggle most with the fifth, “Give it a try.” As you frame your next interaction, borrow some wisdom from bestselling author and former FBI behavioral expert Robin Dreeke. Here are eight killer techniques for rapport building to bear in mind when seeking common ground with others in everyday situations:

关于 Props 的说明

A Note on Props

我喜欢伪装和服装。它们是专业社会工程师最好的朋友。在日常生活中与他人互动时，你显然不会假装成别人，以此来建立借口和建立融洽关系。然而，某些类型的物理道具可以有所帮助，尤其是因为它们可以塑造你对自己的看法。着装和外表尤为重要。在一项经典研究中，研究人员要求学生穿着他们在考场里发现的一件白大褂参加考试。研究人员告诉一组学生这件白大褂是画家的白大褂，而另一组学生则告诉他们这是教授的白大褂。那些认为自己穿着教授白大褂的学生在测试中表现更好。那些认为自己穿着画家白大褂的学生测试速度更快，得分更低。研究人员发现，那些觉得自己穿着画家白大褂的学生降低了对自己的期望。你知道那句老话吗：“你应该为你想要的工作而穿衣服，而不是为你现在的工作而穿衣服”？这话有一定道理！12

I love disguises and costumes. They’re a professional social engineer’s best friend. When interacting with others in everyday life, you obviously won’t be pretending to be someone you’re not in the course of presenting a pretext and building rapport. Nevertheless, certain kinds of physical props can help, not least because they shape how you think about yourself. Dress and appearance are particularly important. In one classic study, researchers asked students to take a test while wearing a white coat they found hanging in the testing room. Researchers told one group of students that the coat was a painter’s coat and another group that it was a professor’s lab coat. Students who believed they were wearing a professor’s lab coat performed better on the test. Those who believed they were wearing a painter’s coat worked through the test more quickly and scored lower. As researchers found, students who felt they were wearing a painter’s coat lowered their own expectations for themselves. You know that old adage that you should “dress for the job you want, not the job you have”? There’s some truth in that!12

当我试图在一家高档餐厅找到一份厨师的工作，尽管没有任何经验时，我的着装选择在我的伪装和建立融洽关系的努力中占据了重要地位。我没有穿着破洞牛仔裤和 T 恤去那里，也没有穿三件套西装。我穿了一件纽扣衬衫和正装裤——足够正式，但又不过分所以。这套服装让我感到足够自信，而且它帮助我建立融洽关系，因为它不会分散我未来老板的注意力或引起他的怀疑。在经营自己的公司时，我坐在桌子的另一边，遇到过许多着装不当的求职者。他们无法与我建立融洽关系，因为在我们互动时，我唯一想的就是，“这个人根本不知道该怎么穿。”

When I was trying to land a job as a chef at a fancy restaurant with no experience, my clothing choices figured prominently in my pretexting and rapport-building efforts. I didn’t go in there wearing ripped jeans and a T-shirt, nor was I wearing a three-piece suit. I wore a button-down shirt and dress pants—formal enough, but not overly so. The outfit left me feeling confident enough, and it helped me during rapport building because it didn’t distract or arouse suspicion in my would-be boss. Running my own company, I’ve sat on the other side of the table and encountered a number of job applicants who didn’t dress appropriately. They couldn’t build rapport with me, because all I was thinking during our interaction was, “This person has no clue how to dress.”

这听起来可能很明显，但我还是要说，因为很多人都搞砸了：仔细考虑你外表的各个方面。如果你正在给某人做销售拜访，你可能不想头发凌乱、身上有过多的穿孔或牙齿上有食物残渣。如果你很富有，想与一个不富有的人建立联系，也许你不应该戴上你所有的昂贵钻石或带着你价值 3,000 美元的 Louis Vuitton 手提包。如果你是第一次和某人约会，检查一下你是否喷了太多古龙水或香水。在许多情况下，当你试图与某人进行严肃的交谈时，要避免智能手机等令人讨厌的干扰。在任何情况下，都要考虑对方，想想你如何使用物理道具让他们尽可能舒服，这样你就可以让他们因为认识你而得到更好的回报。

It might sound obvious, but I’ll say it anyway since many people mess this up: think carefully about all aspects of your appearance. If you’re paying a sales call to someone, you probably won’t want to go in there with uncombed hair, excessive piercings, or food in your teeth. If you’re wealthy and trying to connect with someone who isn’t, maybe you shouldn’t wear all of your expensive diamonds or your $3,000 Louis Vuitton handbag. If you’re on a first date with someone, check whether you’re wearing too much cologne or perfume. In many situations when you’re trying to have a serious conversation with someone, avoid pesky distractions like your smartphone. In any situation, think about the other person and how you might use physical props to make them as comfortable as possible, so that you can leave them better off for having met you.

如何破解黑客

How to Hack a Hacker

我们可以将建立融洽关系的概念归结为两个词：友善。但不要让这个简单的命令欺骗你。建立融洽关系背后有着复杂的科学，掌握它需要一些严肃的技巧。如果你真的掌握了它，你会发现生活中最简单的事情有时是最强大的。乔·纳瓦罗告诉我，他曾经使用这里描述的建立融洽关系的原则说服印第安保留地的一名十几岁的男孩承认他犯下的罪行。这名少年用拳头打了另一个人。乔开车走了，也许是酒驾。但他不愿和乔的任何同事说话，尽管他们多次试图与他交谈。乔感觉到这名少年不知所措，于是带他离开了事故现场，散了会儿步。

We can boil down the concept of rapport building to two words: be friendly. But don’t let the simplicity of that imperative fool you. There’s sophisticated science behind rapport, and some serious artfulness is required to master it. If you do master it, you’ll discover that the simplest things in life are sometimes the most powerful. Joe Navarro told me how he once used the principles of rapport building described here to convince a teenage boy on an Indian reservation to confess to a crime he had committed. The teenager had hit another person with his car, perhaps while driving under the influence. But he wouldn’t talk to any of Joe’s colleagues, despite repeated attempts on their part to engage him. Sensing that the teenager was overwhelmed, Joe took him for a little walk, away from the scene of the accident.

乔深吸一口气，然后又吸了一口，又吸了一口。看到他这样做，少年也深吸了一口气。就这样，几秒钟之内，乔就建立了融洽的关系，让两个压力很大的人都放松下来。“我真的搞砸了，”男孩说，乔甚至没有要求他说任何话。从那以后，男孩继续透露了发生的一切。

Joe took a deep, cleansing breath, and then another, and then another. Seeing him do this, the teenager took breaths of his own. And like that, in a matter of seconds, Joe had established rapport, creating a tribe of two stressed-out human beings trying to relax. “I really screwed up,” the boy said, without Joe even asking him to tell him anything. From there, the boy went on to reveal everything that had happened.

建立融洽关系的威力如此巨大，即使是训练有素的黑客也无法幸免。在我们每年的大型会议上，我的公司都会举办一场盛大的正式派对，邀请的嘉宾名单非常独家，只有我们的客户和一些亲密的朋友。我们的黑客同事都知道这个派对，每年都会有一些人试图偷偷溜进来，只是为了说他们知道。不久前，一个家伙在会议上找到我说：“克里斯，我们从未见过面，但我非常喜欢你的书和你的播客。这里有一份礼物给你，只是为了感谢你为我们的社区所做的一切。”他递给我一瓶格兰花格 25 年，这是我最喜欢的苏格兰威士忌。

Rapport building is so powerful that even highly trained hackers aren’t impervious to it. At our big conference every year, my company hosts a blowout formal party with a very exclusive guest list, just our clients and a few close friends. Our fellow hackers know about the party, and every year some of them try to sneak in, just to say they did. Not long ago, a guy approached me at the conference and said, “Chris, we’ve never met, but I’m a big fan of your books and your podcast. Here, I have a gift for you, just to thank you for everything you do for our community.” He handed me a bottle of Glenfarclas 25, my favorite scotch.

我惊呆了。我检查了一下瓶子，说道：“你怎么知道这是我最喜欢的？”

I was blown away. Inspecting the bottle, I said, “How did you know this was my favorite?”

“嗯，我听到你在播客上提到过它。”他告诉我是哪一集，他是对的——我确实提到过它。

“Well, I heard you mention it on your podcast.” He told me which episode, and he was right—I had mentioned it.

我感谢他的礼物，然后感到有冲动为他做点好事。“嘿，”我说，递给他一个特殊的腕带，“我们今晚有一个私人聚会，你为什么不来呢？你可以用这个进去。”

I thanked him for the gift and then felt the impulse to do something nice for him. “Hey,” I said, handing him a special wristband, “we’re having a private party tonight, why don’t you come? You can use this to get in.”

“哇，伙计，”他说，“这太酷了。嘿，我有几个朋友。我可以带他们来吗？”

“Wow, man,” he said, “this is so cool. Hey, I have some friends with me. Can I bring them?”

“当然了，”我高兴地答道，想要回报这份礼物。“你需要多少个？”

“Of course,” I exclaimed, happy to repay the gift. “How many do you need?”

“五。”

“Five.”

对于一个既不是客户也不是密友的人来说，额外邀请五张邀请函的要求相当高，但这个人刚刚给了我一份对我来说意义重大的礼物，所以很难拒绝。我没有多想，就又递给他五张腕带。他向我道谢，然后就走了。那天晚上，他和他的五个朋友用我们的钱开派对。他们有很多故事可以讲给办公室的同事听。

Five extra invitations was a pretty big ask for someone who wasn’t a client or close friend, but this individual had just given me a gift that meant something to me, so it felt hard to say no. Without thinking much about it, I handed him five more wristbands. He thanked me profusely and went on his way. That night, he and his five friends partied it up on our dime. They had quite the story to tell their colleagues back at the office.

这家伙很棒。他没有操纵我按照他的命令行事——一点也没有。他通过在几秒钟内完成几项任务建立了融洽的关系。他确认了我和他是同一支安全专家队伍。他认可了我，同时隐性地放下了自己的自尊。他还给了我一份体贴的礼物，对我来说意义重大。催产素像强大的密西西比河一样涌入我的大脑，创造了一种我想遵从他的意愿的情况。当我这样做时，他走了，让我因为遇到他而过得更好。

This guy was good. He hadn’t manipulated me into doing his bidding—not at all. He’d built rapport by accomplishing several tasks in just a few seconds. He’d affirmed that he and I were in the same tribe of security professionals. He’d validated me while implicitly suspending his own ego. And he’d bestowed a thoughtful gift that meant something to me. The oxytocin was surging through my brain like the mighty Mississippi, creating a situation in which I wanted to comply with his wishes. When I did so, he went on his way, leaving me better off for having met him.

这家伙黑掉了一个老练的黑客。这一切都归功于他掌握了友善的艺术。勤奋练习建立融洽关系，你也许也能黑掉像我这样的人。即使你没有这样做，你也会得到更多你想要的东西，让你生活中的其他人更加快乐。从小而重要的方面来说，你将为建立社区和治愈我们支离破碎的世界做出一些贡献。

This guy had hacked a seasoned hacker. All by mastering the art of friendliness. Practice rapport building diligently, and you might hack someone like me, too. Even if you don’t, you’ll get more of what you want and leave others in your life a whole lot happier. In a small but important way, you’ll have done something to build community and heal our fractured world.

改变你生活的七项原则

Seven Principles That Will Change Your Life

除了一个例外，我使用和教授的影响力原则并非我原创，而是来自罗伯特·西奥迪尼的经典著作《影响力：说服心理学》。2在接触这本书之前，我本能地实践了这些原则，但对自己所做的事情只有模糊的认识。西奥迪尼为我明确了这些原则并向我介绍了底层科学，对此我深表感激。要成为人类黑客大师，请阅读西奥迪尼以及本书末尾列出的其他作者的作品。与此同时，通过将以下七个关键影响原则融入您的日常互动中，开始培养您的技能并看到成果。

With one exception, the principles of influence I use and teach aren’t original to me but rather come from Robert Cialdini’s classic book, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion.2 Before encountering this book, I had intuitively practiced these principles, but had been only dimly aware of what I was doing. Cialdini crystallized these principles for me and introduced me to the underlying science, and for that I feel greatly in his debt. To become a master hacker of humans, read Cialdini as well as the other authors listed at the end of this book. In the meantime, begin building your skills and seeing results by integrating the following seven key influence principles into your daily interactions.

打造你的影响力“肌肉”

Building Your Influence “Muscles”

现在您已经熟悉了关键的影响力原则，让我们来运用它们。尝试以下练习：

Now that you’re familiar with the key influence principles, let’s work with them. Try the following exercise:

在写这本书的时候，我用这个练习让我的一个朋友——我叫他乔——尝试一种显然让他恶心的日本菜：生海胆，即海胆的生殖腺。我们在一家寿司店吃晚餐，在我们坐下、点菜和等待食物的十分钟里，我只是为了好玩，用多种影响技巧轰炸了他。我们认识了一段时间，已经建立了一定的融洽关系，当我们走进餐厅时，我稍微加强了这种融洽关系，谈论餐厅有多棒，因为我知道乔喜欢吃美食。

While writing this book, I used this exercise to get a friend of mine—I’ll call him Joe—to try a Japanese food that clearly grossed him out: raw uni, the gonads of sea urchins. We were grabbing dinner at a sushi restaurant, and in the space of ten minutes as we were sitting down, ordering, and waiting for our food I blasted him with multiple influence techniques, just for fun. Having known one another for a while, we had already built a certain amount of rapport, which I enhanced slightly as we entered the restaurant by talking up how great it was, knowing that Joe likes a good meal.

从此，我给人留下了对寿司和这家餐厅特别了解的印象（权威原则），随口说出寿司术语，详细描述这家餐厅为什么有最新鲜的寿司，并像常客一样与女服务员聊天（她们也清楚地认出了我，这进一步确立了我的权威）。为了保险起见，我还加入了一些社会证明，告诉乔他认识的几个人之前在这家餐厅吃过海胆 ，并且很喜欢它。乔暂时同意尝尝这道菜，所以我们把它加到了我们的订单中。我已经完成了一半。

From there, I left the impression that I had expert knowledge of sushi and of this restaurant in particular (authority principle), throwing around sushi terms, describing in detail why this restaurant had the freshest possible sushi, and chatting with the waitresses as a regular would (they also clearly recognized me, which further established my authority). For good measure, I also tossed in some social proof, telling Joe about several people he knew who had previously eaten uni at this restaurant and loved it. Joe tentatively agreed to try the dish, so we included it in our order. I was halfway there.

当食物端上来时，它就像我承诺的那样新鲜，这进一步增强了我的可信度（一致性原则）。我劝说乔承诺要尝尝海胆，他天生的坚持不懈的倾向也促使他想要兑现这个承诺。我提醒他，其他日裔食客也喜欢海胆（社会认同），乔也应该喜欢，因为我非常尊重他是一个喜欢冒险的食客（喜欢）。乔盯着他的海胆看了很久，最后把它放进嘴里，慢慢咀嚼，吞了下去。他不太喜欢 。他告诉我他再也不会点这个菜了。尽管如此，他还是觉得尝试了新东西更好。他至少可以向朋友和家人吹嘘他尝过海胆生殖腺。

When the food came out, it was every bit as fresh as I promised, which further buttressed my credibility (consistency principle). Since I had induced Joe to promise to try uni, his innate tendency toward consistency also impelled him to want to deliver on that promise. Fellow diners of Japanese descent, I alerted him, were also enjoying uni (social proof) and so should Joe, given the high esteem in which I held him for being an adventurous eater (liking). Staring long and hard at his uni, Joe finally put it in his mouth, chewed slowly, and swallowed. He didn’t like it very much. He told me he would never order it again. Still, he felt better off for having tried something new. He could at least brag to his friends and family that he had tried sea urchin gonads.

和几个人一起做这个练习，测试七项影响力原则。在一次会面中，如果你喜欢，可以只使用其中一项，或者将它们混合搭配。试验。玩得开心。记下哪些方法不起作用。从那里开始，在你的日常生活中寻找其他可以有利地发挥影响力的机会。如果你即将在谈话中向某人提出请求，请提前计划好。从你的借口开始，然后列出可能匹配的影响力策略。如果你的借口是把自己表现为“新来的同事”，你可能不会想使用权威原则。如果你的借口是扮演“严厉的老板”的角色，请避免使用喜欢原则。还要注意你自己的情绪。如果你对这次会面感到紧张，你可能要避免使用权威原则，因为你可能缺乏说服力。如果你感到悲伤或沮丧，可能会觉得更难运用喜欢原则——你可能对很多事情都没有亲和力。

Try this exercise with a few people, testing out the seven influence principles. Use only one if you like during an encounter or mix and match them. Experiment. Have fun. Make note of what doesn’t work. From there, look for other opportunities in your daily life where you might profitably exercise influence. If you have conversations coming up where you’ll have to make a request of someone, plan these out in advance. Start with your pretext and from there list influence tactics that might match. If your pretext involves presenting yourself as the “newbie work colleague,” you probably won’t want to use the authority principle. If your pretext involves playing the role of the “stern boss,” avoid the liking principle. Also pay attention to your own emotions. If you’re feeling nervous about the encounter, you might want to avoid using the authority principle, as you might lack persuasiveness. If you’re feeling sad or depressed, it might feel harder to deploy the liking principle—you might not feel affinity for much of anything.

一旦你缩小了可能部署的影响原则的范围，不要过分坚持。当你开始执行策略时，根据需要随时放弃或修改它们。无论你做什么，都不要过度使用这些策略。否则，你感兴趣的人会开始意识到这些策略，他们的批判能力就会发挥作用——他们会变得多疑，甚至可能会讨厌你。如果把喜欢原则运用得太过，你就有可能被别人发现卑躬屈膝。如果权威太过分，你会显得傲慢自大。如果互惠太过分，你会显得不合适。在以上每种情况下，你感兴趣的人都会不太愿意帮助你，甚至可能会结束谈话。

Once you’ve narrowed down your list of possible influence principles to deploy, don’t cling to it unduly. As you start to execute tactics in the moment, abandon or modify them as necessary on the fly. Whatever you do, don’t overdo these tactics. Otherwise, your person of interest will start to become aware of them and their critical faculties will kick in—they’ll become suspicious and might even come to dislike you. Take the liking principle too far, and you risk coming off as obsequious. Take authority too far, and you’ll seem arrogant and smug. Take reciprocity too far, and you’ll seem inappropriate. In each of these cases, your person of interest will feel much less inclined to help you and might even move to end the conversation.

在这些接触过程中，你可能会发现你不需要像计划的那样运用影响力原则，因为你建立融洽关系（你也一直在实践）已经足够了。在这种情况下，停下来！停止并停止。如果你不这样做，可能会致命，就像我和我的同事瑞恩曾经遭遇的那样。我们冒充害虫防治人员闯入一栋建筑。当时是晚上 11 点半，现场空无一人。当我们绕着大楼走的时候，我们很幸运：一名工作人员独自离开大楼，前往附近的停车场。在她关门之前，我把脚伸进去接住了它。那位女士离开时没有看到我们，但她听到了我的声音。她转过身，吃了一惊，问我们是谁。我指着我们的衣服说：“女士，是害虫防治人员。我们正在检查蜘蛛和蝎子。只需快速检查一下，然后我们会在今晚没人的时候进行喷洒。”

In the course of these encounters, you might find you don’t need to mobilize influence principles as you’d planned, since your rapport building (which you’ve also been practicing all along) proved sufficient. In that case, stop! Cease and desist. If you don’t, it could prove fatal, as it once was for me and my colleague Ryan. We were breaking into a building posing as, you guessed it, pest control guys. It was eleven thirty at night, and the site was empty. As we were making our way around the building, we got lucky: a lone member of the staff was leaving the building and heading to the nearby parking lot. Before the door could close behind her, I stuck my foot in to catch it. The woman hadn’t seen us as she’d exited, but she’d heard me. She turned around, startled, and asked who we were. Pointing to our outfits, I said, “Pest control, ma’am. We’re inspecting for spiders and scorpions. Just a quick inspection, and then we’ll be spraying tonight while nobody is around.”

“哦，好的，”她说完，继续往前走。就这样——我赢了。在短短几秒钟内，我就和她建立了融洽的关系。她显然相信了我的话，并离开了。我应该闭嘴，继续往前走。但我却一直喋喋不休。“是啊，”她走开时我说，“每年这个时候，蜘蛛都特别多。我们决定深夜过来，因为喷药的时候会很吓人。它们出来后会慢慢死掉。”瑞恩瞪着我，好像在说，老兄，你在干什么？我没有多想，试图运用一致性原则，向这位女士表明，我们的行为与我们作为害虫防治员的借口是一致的。尽管瑞恩怒视着我，我还是忍不住——我喋喋不休地谈论着蜘蛛和我们使用的化学药品，挖了一个更深的坑我自己。那女人转过身来面对我们。“你知道吗，”她说，“我不知道你在这里是否让我感到舒服。”

“Oh, okay,” she said, and continued on her way. That was it—I had won. In just a few seconds, I had built rapport. She clearly believed me and was leaving the premises. I should have shut up and continued on my way. Instead, I kept yapping. “Yeah,” I said as she was walking away, “this time of year, spiders are really bad. We decided to come late at night because it can be scary when you spray. They come out and die slow.” Ryan glared at me as if to say, Dude, what are you doing? Without thinking much about it, I was trying to mobilize the consistency principle, showing this woman that our actions were consistent with the pretext we had established of being pest control guys. Despite Ryan’s glare, I couldn’t stop myself—I blathered on in this vein, talking about spiders and the chemicals we were using, digging an even deeper hole for myself. The woman turned back to face us. “You know what,” she said, “I don’t know if I feel comfortable with you here.”

“不，不，”我说，“我们会进进出出。别担心，你可以继续走。”

“No, no,” I said, “we’ll be in and out. Don’t worry, you can go on your way.”

她摇摇头。“不，我感觉不舒服。我需要你离开，否则我会报警。”她退后，快步走向她的车。我们离得这么近——我已经踏入了大门。然而，现在我们不得不离开，这一切都是因为我试图在没有必要的时候部署影响原则。一旦你已经让你感兴趣的人帮助你，就让他们去做，就这样吧！当涉及到黑客攻击人类时，少即是多。

She shook her head. “No, I don’t feel comfortable. I need you to leave before I call the police.” She backed away and walked quickly to her car. We had been so close—I had my foot in the door. And yet, now we had to leave, all because I had tried to deploy an influence principle when it wasn’t necessary. Once you’ve already got your person of interest helping you, let them do it and leave it at that! When it comes to hacking humans, less is usually more.

终极安全卫士

The Ultimate Security Guard

随着你对这些影响原则有了更多的经验，并将它们与本书中的其他策略一起应用，你会感到惊讶让人们听从你的命令或和你一样思考是多么容易——不是因为他们必须这样做，而是因为他们想这样做。影响力是你获得免费东西、获得聘用、让同事支持你的决定、诱使孩子吃早餐等等的门票。事实上，随着你越来越擅长施加影响力，风险在于你会对自己的新超能力过于自信，以为它能给你带来任何你想要的东西。在这种情况下，你将会大吃一惊。审慎地部署这些原则永远不能保证成功。真正精通人类黑客的人希望得到最好的结果，但他们知道他们的超能力是有限度的。有些人心理上非常熟练，对影响力的运作非常警觉，无论你做什么，他们都不会被说服。这样的人不多，但确实存在。

As you gain more experience with these influence principles and apply them alongside the other strategies in this book, you’ll be astonished how easy it is to get people to do your bidding or to think as you do—not because they have to, but because they want to. Influence is your ticket to getting free stuff, getting hired, getting your colleagues to support your decisions, enticing your kids to eat their breakfast, and so much more. In fact, as you become more adept at influence, the risk is that you’ll become overly confident in your new super power, assuming it can get you anything you want. In that case, you’re in for a rude awakening. Judicious deployment of these principles never guarantees success. Truly masterful hackers of humans hope for the best but know their super powers have limits. Some people are so psychologically adept and alert to the workings of influence that they just can’t be swayed, no matter what you do. There aren’t many of these people, but they’re out there.

我在黑客工作中曾遇到过一位终极保安。作为这项任务的一部分，我们必须攻破企业园区的三栋独立建筑，这次我们假扮为 Big Blue Repair Company 的修理工，来修理公司的几间服务器机房。我们轻而易举地攻破了前两栋建筑，虽然我们不在授权访客名单上，但还是绕过了安保人员。在第三栋建筑，我们遇到了一位年轻的保安，从他严肃的举止、平头和运动员的体格来看，他似乎是退伍军人。当我告诉他我的名字时，他说：“你不在名单上。”

I once met the ultimate security guard in the course of our hacking work. As part of this assignment, we had to compromise three separate buildings on a corporate campus, this time posing as repairmen from the Big Blue Repair Company who had come to fix something in several of the company’s server rooms. We nailed the first two buildings no problem, bypassing security even though we were not on their list of authorized visitors. At the third building, we encountered a young guard who from his stiff demeanor, crew cut, and athletic build seemed to be ex-military. “You’re not on the list,” he said when I told him my name.

“这很奇怪，”我说，“因为我们刚刚还在你们的其他几栋楼里，那里的保安没有放我们进去。”

“That’s odd,” I said, “because we were just in some of your other buildings, and the security there let us in no problem.”

他摇摇头。“我不是那两栋楼的保安。我是这栋楼的保安。抱歉，但你必须在名单上。”

He shook his head. “I’m not security for those two buildings. I’m security for this one. Sorry, but you need to be on the list.”

为了打探信息，我问道：“约翰，是谁把我们列入名单的？”

Fishing for information, I asked, “Who was it, John, who was supposed to put us on the list?”

“不，”他说，“我是 IT 总监弗雷德·史密斯。”

“No,” he said, “Fred Smith, the director of IT.”

“是的，我敢发誓我们办公室说他确实这么做了。让我打电话问问发生了什么事。”

“Yeah, I could swear our office said he did. Let me call and find out what happened.”

我们把一张假名片交给了保安，然后走到车上，在网上快速搜索了一下这个叫弗雷德·史密斯的人。我们找到了他，并获得了他的联系方式。我伪造了他的电话号码，打电话给刚刚被拒绝进入的保安台。“嗨，我是弗雷德·史密斯，”我对年轻的保安说。“你们刚刚拒绝了两个维修工吗？他们应该在 15 点来这里维修。所以，我要给他们的办公室打电话，让他​​们回来。请把他们的名字加到名单上。”

We left the guard with a fake business card and went out to our car to do some quick online research on this Fred Smith guy. We found out who he was and obtained his contact information. Spoofing his phone number, I called the security desk where I’d just been denied. “Hi, this is Fred Smith,” I said to the young security guard. “Did you just turn away two repair people? Well, they were supposed to come up here on fifteen to do some repairs. So, I’m going to call their office and have them come back. Please add their names to the list.”

“当然可以。”警卫说。

“Sure thing,” the guard said.

我想，问题解决了。我们成功了。

Bingo, I thought, problem solved. We were in.

大约四十分钟后，我走回安检台。“嘿，”我说，“我接到办公室的电话，说我们又回到了名单上。我想我们现在可以进去了，对吧？”

About forty minutes later, I strolled back over to the security desk. “Hey,” I said, “I got a call from my office saying we’re back on the list. I guess we can go in now, right?”

“呃呃，”保安皱着眉头说道。“在这之前，我先问你一个问题。我拿了你的名片，查了你的公司名称。我在这个州找不到蓝色巨人维修公司。你是哪里人？”

“Uh-uh,” the security guard said, frowning. “Before you do, let me ask you a question. I took your business card and looked up your company name. I can’t find the Big Blue Repair Company in this state anywhere. Where are you from?”

“哦，”我说，“那是因为我们刚搬到这里。我们刚搬到这里。”

“Oh,” I said, “that’s because we’re new to the area. We just moved in here.”

“这很奇怪，”他说，“你的名片上说你是一家家族企业，已经有二十年了。”

“That’s odd,” he said, “your card said you were family owned for twenty years.”

我这会儿有点慌了，有些结巴。“嗯，是的，不过是在不同州。”

I was flustered now and stuttered a bit. “Well, we are, but in a different state.”

“哪个州？我想找你。你在名单上并不意味着我就会让你通过。”

“What state? I’d like to look you up. Just because you’re on the list doesn’t mean I’m letting you through.”

我们从未对最后一栋大楼妥协。这家伙太厉害了，我们向他施展的任何影响策略都遭到了拒绝。我们通过冒充 IT 总监来尝试权威。我们使用了一致性原则，因为我的名片和着装与我的借口完全匹配。我们使用了社会认同，告诉保安我们去过另外两栋大楼，他的同事让我们进去了。这些都没有很有效——保安的隐形“力场”太强大了。他天生就是守门人，所以我们后来建议他的公司让他负责培训所有保安。

We never did compromise this last building. This guy was too good, resisting any influence tactic we threw at him. We’d tried authority by impersonating the IT director. We used the consistency principle, in that my business card and outfit perfectly matched my pretext. We used social proof, informing the security guard that we had been in the other two buildings and his colleagues there had let us in. None of that worked—the security guard’s invisible “force field” was too strong. He was a born gatekeeper, which was why we later advised his company to put him in charge of training all of their security guards.

如果各地的保安都像这个家伙一样优秀，如果各地公司的员工都对犯罪分子可能尝试的影响伎俩保持警惕，我和我的团队就会走上街头寻找工作。对组织来说很遗憾，但对我们来说很幸运，大多数人的个人力场都比这个保安弱得多。他们很容易受到影响力原则的攻击，而且比他们意识到的要严重得多。这对我们这些了解这些原则并知道如何调动它们的人来说意味着机会。练习影响力策略来得到你想要的东西，并赢得别人的支持。随着你的进步，你会感到满意，因为你知道你让那些因为遇见你而过得更好的人过得更好，即使你得到了更多你想要的东西。此外，你会在与他人的互动中立即发现影响力策略。你越意识到这些策略，你就越不会动摇，你对自己的决定的控制力就越强。当你被人劝说时，你真的想捐钱吗？你真的想让陌生人进入你的家吗？你真的想让一个看上去很有说服力的人加入你的团队吗？也许想，也许不想。

If guards everywhere were as good as this guy, and if employees of companies everywhere were as alert to the influence tricks criminals might try, my team and I would be out on the street looking for work. Sadly for organizations but fortunately for us, most people have personal force fields that are far weaker than this guard’s. They’re vulnerable to the influence principles, far more so than they realize. That spells opportunity for those of us who understand these principles and know how to mobilize them. Practice influence tactics to get what you want and win others over to your cause. As you improve, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you’ve left people better off for having met you, even as you get more of what you want. Further, you’ll spot influence tactics instantly in the interactions you have with others. The more conscious of them you are, the less you’ll be swayed, and the more control you’ll have over your decisions. Do you really want to donate money when you’re solicited? Do you really want to let a stranger into your home? Do you really want to bring on someone to your team who makes a seemingly strong pitch? Maybe, but maybe not.

在某些情况下，你可能会发现自己泄露了不必要的信息。索要信息的人可能是黑客，其中一些信息可能非常敏感。这些陌生人很可能使用了一些特定的影响技巧，让你的禁忌短路，让你开口说话。通过自己掌握这些技巧，你可以用它们来不伤害别人，而是发展更亲密的关系，帮助你所爱的人安全、健康和茁壮成长。你如何让医生告诉你你的诊断结果到底意味着什么？你如何让你的老板告诉你她对你的表现的真实看法？翻开书页，找出答案。

On some occasions, you might find yourself giving out information you don’t need to give. The people who solicited the information might be hackers, and some of that information might be quite sensitive. Chances are, these strangers deployed some specific influence techniques that short-circuited your inhibitions and got you talking. By mastering these techniques yourself, you can use them not to hurt people, but to develop more intimacy in your relationships and to help keep your loved ones safe, healthy, and thriving. How might you get your doctor to tell you what your diagnosis really means? How might you induce your boss to tell you what she really thinks of your performance? Turn the page and find out.

让任何人 告诉你任何事情

Get Anyone to Tell You Anything

我所在行业的人有一个词来形容不经公开询问就获取信息的行为。我们称之为诱导。坏人一直在使用这种方法。 社交媒体网站上充斥着来自不同国家的间谍，他们创建虚假个人资料，与毫无戒心的用户联系，并与他们进行看似无辜的对话。他们只需付出相对较少的风险和努力，就能获得有价值的信息，帮助他们招募这些用户分享秘密或瞄准他人。2间谍还会亲自使用诱导，试图获取敏感信息，无论是机密的政府信息还是公司机密。机场的那个友好的陌生人发现你使用政府发放的品牌钢笔或佩戴公司徽章，并询问你在哪个机构或部门工作，这可能只是在闲聊。或者他们可能是试图获取敏感情报的间谍。3恐怖分子还依靠诱导来帮助策划袭击，与员工进行看似无辜的对话，以了解某些建筑物的哪些门是锁着的、安保如何部署、设施最繁忙的时间等等。 2019 年，密歇根州警察局警告公众警惕“试图获取有关军事行动、能力或人员的信息的行为”。4其他执法机构也发布了类似的警告。

People in my business have a word for the act of obtaining information without asking for it overtly. We call it elicitation. Bad guys use this all the time. Social media sites are crawling with spies from various countries who create fake profiles, connect with unsuspecting users, and engage them in seemingly innocent conversation. With relatively little risk and effort, they obtain valuable information that helps them recruit these users to share secrets or target others.2 Spies also use elicitation in person in attempts to gain access to sensitive information, whether it’s classified government information or corporate secrets. That friendly stranger at the airport who spots you using a brand of government-issued pen or wearing a corporate badge and inquires what agency or department you work for might be just making small talk. Or they might be a spy trying to shake out sensitive intel.3 Terrorists also rely on elicitation to help plan attacks, conducting seemingly innocent conversations with employees to learn which doors on certain buildings are locked, how security is deployed, the times of day in which the facility is busiest, and so on. In 2019, the Michigan State Police warned members of the public to look out for “attempts to gain information about military operations, capabilities, or people.”4 Other law enforcement agencies have put out similar alerts.

虽然保持警惕很重要，但我们从来都不是真正安全的。在熟练的从业者手中，诱导是如此强大，很难防御。如果你想到一条你永远不想透露的信息，你的银行账户密码肯定是名单上的首位。当我们创建这些代码时，我们明确选择别人不知道但我们会记住的数字。自动取款机的键盘周围有特殊的屏蔽，强调了这一信息：不要让任何人看到你的密码。然而，我和一位朋友曾经在一家餐馆让完全陌生的人自愿透露他们的密码。我们做到了，没有操纵或强迫他们，同时让他们因为遇见我们而过得更好。

Although it’s important that we all stay vigilant, we’re never really safe. In the hands of a skilled practitioner, elicitation is so powerful it’s difficult to defend against. If you think of a piece of information you’d never want to give out, the PIN for your bank accounts is surely near the top of the list. When we create these codes, we expressly choose numbers others won’t know but we’ll remember. ATMs have special shields around their keypads, reinforcing the message: don’t let anyone see your PIN. And yet, a friend and I once got total strangers in a restaurant to voluntarily reveal their PIN. We did it without manipulating or coercing them, and while leaving them better off for having met us.

我们不是想偷他们的钱——我们只是想好玩，看看我们能不能做到。我们当时在华盛顿特区一家古色古香的意大利餐厅里——那种桌子挤在一起的餐厅。情侣们在我们两边享用着美食。“嘿，”我的朋友按照我们之前安排的计划对我说，“你读过《今日美国》上的那篇文章吗？文章说，68% 的受访者使用生日作为银行密码？5

We weren’t trying to steal their money—we were just doing it for fun to see if we could. We were in a quaint Italian restaurant in Washington, D.C.—the kind where the tables are packed close together. Couples were enjoying their meals on either side of us. “Hey,” my friend said to me, as per our previously arranged plan, “did you read that article in USA Today that said that sixty-eight percent of people surveyed use their birthday as their bank PIN?5

“好吧，我完全相信，”我咬了一口番茄意面说道，“我的意思是，我的 PIN 码是 0774。”当然，那不是我的生日，也不是我的 PIN 码，但我们周围的人并不知道。

“Well, I totally believe that,” I said, taking a bite of spaghetti pomodoro. “I mean, my PIN is zero-seven-seven-four.” Of course, that wasn’t my birthday or my PIN number, but the people around us didn’t know that.

我的朋友擦掉了嘴里的番茄酱。“天哪，这太蠢了。别人都能猜出来。我不使用那个。我用我妻子的生日和我的生日的组合——一二零四。”

My friend wiped tomato sauce from his mouth. “Man, that’s so stupid. People can guess that. I don’t use that. I use a combination of my wife’s and my birthday—it’s one-two-zero-four.”

我们旁边的一个人忍不住偷听了我们的话。他朝妻子点点头，说道：“我告诉过你，用你的生日来做生日记录是个愚蠢的想法。”

A guy next to us couldn’t help but overhear. Nodding at his wife, he said, “I told you using your date of birth was a stupid idea.”

“是的，”她说，“但它真的很容易记住：一零一八。”

“Yeah,” she said, “but it’s really easy to remember: one-zero-one-eight.”

我差点被食物噎住。我简直不敢相信。这个女人刚刚把她的密码给了我们和坐在我们周围的其他人。不过后来情况好转了。这个女人对丈夫说：“没人能记住你的号码：二四三七一四。”

I almost choked on my food. I couldn’t believe it. This woman had just given us and everyone else sitting around us her PIN. But it got better. The woman said to her husband, “No one can remember your number: two-four-three-seven-one-four.”

“不是这个，朱莉娅，”那人说。“应该是二四三七九四。 ”

“That’s not it, Julia,” the man said. “It’s two-four-three-seven-nine-four.”

正在给我们倒水的女服务员插话说：“嗯，我用的是美国银行的卡，他们允许我们使用文字或数字，所以我就用了我女儿最喜欢的毛绒玩具的名字，那就是‘熊猫’。”

The waitress, who was refilling our water glasses, chimed in. “Well, I use Bank of America, and they let us use words or numbers, so I just used the name of my daughter’s favorite stuffed toy, and that’s ‘Panda.’”

这次谈话持续了一段时间——我们又得到了两三个 PIN。如果我对旁边的那对夫妇说：“不好意思，但是可以你们两个能给我你们的 PIN 码吗？我很好奇它们是什么”，他们永远不会透露。这个问题会激活他们大脑的批判性思维部分并引起他们的怀疑。但在对话展开的背景下，他们完全可以放心地脱口而出这些数字。我们获得了我们想要的信息，而在某种程度上，这次邂逅让他们因为与我们相遇而受益匪浅。他们进行了一些轻松的玩笑，并了解到一个他们觉得有趣的事实。

This conversation went on a little longer—we got another two or three PINs. If I’d said to the couple next to us, “Excuse me, but can both of you please give me your PINs? I’m curious what they are,” they never would have divulged them. The question would have activated the critical thinking parts of their brain and aroused their suspicion. But in the context of the conversation as it unfolded, they felt perfectly comfortable blurting out those numbers. We obtained the information we’d sought, while in a small way the encounter left them better off for having met us. They’d engaged in some light banter and learned a factoid they’d found interesting.

还记得威廉·莫尔顿·马斯顿吗？正是他的工作催生了第 1 章中描述的 DISC 评估。原来他也是神奇女侠这个超级英雄角色的创造者。你会记得神奇女侠可以用她的“真话套索”将坏人包裹起来，让他们透露信息。掌握诱导技巧就像在你的后口袋里放了一把魔法套索。你可以让人们透露几乎任何事情。甚至更多。

Remember William Moulton Marston, the psychologist whose work gave rise to the DISC assessment described in chapter 1? Turns out he was also the guy who invented the Wonder Woman superhero character. You’ll recall that Wonder Woman can get bad guys to disclose information by wrapping them in her “lasso of truth.” Mastery of elicitation skills is like having a magic lasso in your back pocket. You can get people to reveal almost anything. And then some.

我和学生们在拉斯维加斯一家繁忙的购物中心，为了好玩，我告诉他们，他们可以挑选任何他们想要的“目标”，我会让他们告诉我他们的全名、工作地点和家乡。他们选了一位 20 多岁、绝对漂亮的女人，她正站在美食广场等着她的沙拉。这个女人衣着暴露，穿着短裤、牛仔靴和法兰绒衬衫。我的学生们推断，一个漂亮的年轻女人可能对我来说是一个特别困难的目标，因为她习惯于拒绝男人的追求。因为我是一个陌生的男性，当我走近时，她会做出防御或保护的反应。“哦，来吧，”我说，“选别人吧。”但他们坚持要这么做。

My students and I were in a busy Las Vegas mall, and for fun I told them they could pick any “target” they wanted, and I would get them to tell me their full name, place of employment, and hometown. They picked an absolutely gorgeous woman in her late twenties who was standing in the food court waiting for her salad. This woman was scantily dressed in short shorts, cowboy boots, and a flannel shirt. My students reasoned that an attractive young woman would probably be an especially difficult target for me because she’d be used to brushing off men’s advances. Because I was a male stranger, she’d react defensively or protectively when I approached. “Oh, come on,” I said, “pick someone else.” But they insisted.

我不知道该如何接近这个女人。我该说些什么才能讨好她，让她告诉我我想要什么？我注意到她的外表，把注意力集中在她的靴子上，这是我快速建立联系的最大希望。

I had no clue how I was going to approach this woman. What could I possibly say that would ingratiate me with her and prompt her to tell me what I wanted? Noting her appearance, I focused on her boots as my best hope for making a quick connection.

我走到她站着的地方，拿了一个托盘，在她后面排了一个位置。停顿了一会儿后，我说：“打扰一下，我可以打扰你一会儿问你一个问题吗？”

I walked over to where she was standing, grabbed a tray, and took a spot behind her in line. After a brief pause, I said, “Excuse me, can I bother you for a minute with a question?”

她转过身说：“当然可以，有什么可以帮你的吗？”但她的肢体语言表明她确实处于防御状态。她迅速地翻了个白眼，好像在说：“你现在要用什么搭讪台词？”

She turned and said, “Sure, what can I do for you?” But her body language indicated that she was indeed defensive. She gave me a quick roll of the eye, as if to say, “What pickup line will you use now?”

她大吃一惊。“我来城里出差，”我说，“下周是我的结婚纪念日。我妻子喜欢牛仔靴，但我不喜欢。我甚至不知道怎么买牛仔靴。我看到了你的，觉得它们真的很不错。你能告诉我你在哪里买的吗？如果它在这个商场里，也许我可以买一双。”

She was in for a pleasant surprise. “I’m in town on business,” I said, “and it’s my anniversary this coming week. My wife loves cowboy boots, but I’m not a fan. I wouldn’t even know how to buy a cowboy boot. I saw yours and thought they were really nice. Could you tell me where you got them? If it’s in this mall, maybe I could buy a pair.”

她整个人的态度都变了。她的眼睛亮了起来，脸上露出了灿烂的笑容。“当然。它在商场里，我自己也在那里工作。”她继续告诉我关于靴子的一切，她可能就是销售员，并指引我去商店。“你是哪里人？”她问道。当我告诉她我住在佛罗里达州时，她说：“哦，我来自亚特兰大地区，不太远。”

Her whole attitude changed. Her eyes brightened, and she cracked a big smile. “Sure. It is in the mall, and I work there myself.” She proceeded to tell me all about the boots, as the salesperson she probably was, and to direct me to the store. “Where are you from?” she asked. When I told her I lived in Florida, she said, “Oh, I’m from the Atlanta area, not too far.”

“哇，你大老远来到拉斯维加斯干什么？”

“Wow, what are you doing working all the way out here in Vegas?”

她又跟我讲了一点她的生活，然后我把去她商店的路线重复给她听，以确保我听懂了。我不小心说错了，她说道：“不，傻瓜。来，我给你指路。”她牵着我的手，领我走到大约五十英尺外。她指着商场的走廊，重复了一遍路线。

She told me a bit more about her life, and then I repeated the directions to her store back to her to make sure I got them. I accidentally got them wrong, prompting her to say, “No, silly. Here, let me show you.” Taking me by the hand, she led me about fifty feet away. Pointing down a corridor of the mall, she repeated the directions.

我热情地向她道谢，并告诉她我会马上去给我妻子买一双。我把托盘放在附近的桌子上，假装开始走路。走了一两步后，我转过身说：“嘿，你知道吗？也许我应该等到你值班的时候再买。”

I thanked her warmly and told her I would head right over to buy my wife a pair. Leaving the tray on a nearby table, I pretended to start walking. After a step or two, I turned and said, “Hey, you know what? Maybe I should wait until you’re on duty.”

“不，不。只要告诉他们你是萨曼莎派来的。他们会给你打折。”

“No, no. Just tell them Samantha sent you. They’ll give you a discount.”

“谢谢，我会的，”我微笑着说。“伙计，你真是救命恩人。”我瞥了一眼我朝正在看我的学生们问了一声，然后又转身对她说：“嘿，我叫克里斯，克里斯·哈德纳吉。我很想告诉我妻子是谁帮我的。你说你叫萨曼莎。你的姓氏是什么？”

“Thanks, I will,” I said, smiling. “Man, you’re a lifesaver.” I glanced at my students, who were all watching, and then back at her. “Hey, my name’s Chris, Chris Hadnagy. I’d love to tell my wife who helped me out. You said your name’s Samantha. What’s your last name.”

“库珀，”她说道（这不是她的真名）。

“Cooper,” she said (not her real name).

“太棒了，”我说。“再次感谢你的帮助，萨曼莎。”

“Fantastic,” I said. “Thanks again for all of your help, Samantha.”

我转身离开，为自己的胜利而欣喜若狂。然后，更糟的是，她在我身后叫道：“嘿，你可能不知道该买哪种靴子。你应该给我的靴子拍张照片，然后发给你妻子，这样她至少可以看到它们，知道她是否喜欢它们。因为你不是本地人，如果她不喜欢，你就很难退货了。”

I turned to go, reveling in my victory. And then, to top it off, she called after me. “Hey, you might not know what kind of boots to buy. You should probably take a picture of my boots and send them to your wife so that she at least sees them and knows if she likes them. Since you’re not from around here, you’ll have trouble returning them if she doesn’t.”

我的学生听不到我们的谈话，但他们接下来知道的是，这位美丽的女士正在为我这个完全陌生的人展示她的靴子，以便我可以给她拍照。全名、家乡、工作地点——我得到了一切，还有她的靴子的照片。除了她的姓氏外，我没有询问任何这些信息。我只是以一种让她自然而然地想要告诉我的方式精心安排了谈话。

My students couldn’t hear our conversation, but the next thing they knew, this beautiful woman was modeling her boots for me, a perfect stranger, so I could take her picture. Full name, hometown, place of employment—I got everything, plus pictures of her boots. With the exception of her last name, I didn’t ask for any of this information. I just crafted the conversation in a way that led her naturally to want to tell me.

每个人都需要一个魔法套索

Everyone Needs a Magic Lasso

拥有“魔法套索”可能会成为一种巧妙的客厅魔术，但它会对您的日常生活有所帮助吗？嗯，会的。如果您是第一次约会，您可以玩二十个问题游戏，直接问您的约会对象：“您想要孩子吗？”；“您有一份收入丰厚的工作吗？”；“您有和我一样的爱好和兴趣吗？”；“您有什么我应该知道的怪癖或怪癖吗？”；等等。也许他们会如实回答，也许不会。几乎可以肯定的是，谈话会变得更加紧张或尴尬。如果你使用诱导技巧，你可以收集有关对方的所有这些信息，同时保持对话轻松愉快。假设你正在寻找与某个人结婚一个只想要一两个孩子的约会对象。要了解你的约会对象对这个问题的看法，你可以这样说：“你知道，我的兄弟姐妹都有大家庭——四五个孩子。我只是不知道我能否照顾好这么多孩子。这似乎压力太大了。”这样的陈述很可能会引来一个坦率的回答，而你并没有直接提出问题。当然，如果你的兄弟姐妹没有大家庭，你需要稍微改变一下这句话，以避免撒谎。也许可以这样说：“我小时候，我们住在一个有四个孩子的家庭旁边。我不知道他们的父母是怎么做到的。那对我来说可能太过分了。”

Having a “magic lasso” might make for a neat parlor trick, but will it help your everyday life? Um, yes. If you’re on a first date, you could play the twenty questions game and ask your date directly: “Do you want kids?”; “Are you gainfully employed?”; “Do you share any of my hobbies and interests?”; “Do you have any weird habits or quirks I should know about?”; and so on. Maybe they’d answer truthfully, maybe not. Almost certainly, the conversation would become more tense or awkward. If you used elicitation techniques, you could glean all of this information about the other person and more while keeping the conversation light and enjoyable. Let’s say you’re looking to marry someone who wants only one or two kids. To learn your date’s perspective on this question, you could say something like: “You know, my siblings all have large families—four or five kids. I just don’t know if I could handle that many. Seems so stressful.” A statement like this will likely invite a revealing response, without you having posed a direct question. Of course, if you don’t actually have siblings with large families, you’ll want to slightly alter this statement to avoid lying. Maybe say something like: “When I grew up, we lived next to a family with four kids. I don’t know how the parents did it. That might be too much for me.”

诱导法在商业环境中也很有效。假设你销售的软件可以帮助公司管理部分人力资源功能，你在一次社交活动中会见了潜在客户。你对向员工人数少于两千人的小公司销售软件不感兴趣。你可以向遇到的人解释这一点，直截了当地问他们公司的规模有多大。如果他们来自大公司，你可以跟进询问他们是否有兴趣了解你的软件。这样的问题可能不算过分或冒犯，但并不特别有趣或吸引人。如果你得到了不想要的答案，你可能会无意识地皱眉或过快结束谈话，从而散发出负面情绪。

Elicitation also works well in business settings. Let’s say you sell software that helps companies manage part of their human resources function, and you’re meeting prospective customers at a networking event. You’re not interested in selling your software to small companies with fewer than two thousand employees. You could explain this to people you meet, asking them point-blank how big their companies are. If they’re from large companies, you could follow up by inquiring whether they’d be interested in learning about your software. Such questions might not be out of line or offensive, but they’re not especially fun or engaging. If you get an answer you don’t want, you might give off negative vibes by unconsciously frowning or ending the conversation too quickly.

或者，你也可以直接开始对话，友好地询问对方就职的公司类型，并尽力建立共同点。如果对方透露自己在保险公司工作，而你恰好在早年做过一段时间的保险销售，你可以说：“哦，太棒了。我对保险不太了解，但我在大学期间确实卖了六个月的保险。这是一项艰难的生意。我不知道你们是怎么做到的。”对方可能会回答说，他们实际上并不卖保险，而是管理 IT 部门。“好吧，”你可以说，“你必须如果你有一个完整的 IT 部门，那么规模就相当大。”然后对方可能会告诉你，他们的公司发展迅速，员工人数已达五千人。太好了——现在你知道这可能是你的潜在客户了。因此，你可以继续对话，了解他们是否想要或需要你的产品。你可以探究他们是否遇到了你的软件旨在解决的那种问题。你可以说：“在我上一家公司，我们真的很难让员工感到满意。我听说保险公司也在为此苦苦挣扎。”无论你最终是否获得了新客户，你都将进行一次愉快的交谈，并给人留下友好、有趣和有吸引力的印象。

As an alternative, you might simply start a conversation, asking friendly questions about the kind of company they work for and trying your best to establish common ground. If the person revealed they worked for an insurance company, and you happened to have done a stint selling insurance earlier in your life, you might say, “Oh, cool. I don’t know much about insurance, but I did sell it for six months during college. That’s a hard business. I don’t know how you guys do it.” The person might respond by saying they don’t actually sell insurance but run the IT department. “Well,” you could say, “you must be pretty big if you have a whole IT department.” The person might then tell you they’ve been growing rapidly and are up to five thousand people. Perfect—now you know this could be a potential client. So, you continue the conversation further to find out if they might want or need your product. You could probe to see if they are experiencing the kinds of problems your software is designed to solve. “At my last company,” you could say, “we had a really hard time keeping employees happy. I heard that insurance companies are struggling with this, too.” Whether or not you wind up landing a new prospect, you will have had a pleasant conversation and come off as friendly, interesting, and engaging.

借助诱导，您可以有目的地进行对话，互动比平时更加​​顺畅和耐心。您这样做是出于个人利益，认识到大多数人对直接提问的反应不佳。但您也更友善。无论我们是否意识到，我们所有人在与他人互动时都有一些要追求的目标。您可能会寻求有关某人的感受、他们是否喜欢您、他们与谁交谈过、他们是否会成为未来事业的好伙伴的信息。借助诱导，您可以清楚自己的目标，但不会一心一意地不惜一切代价地追求它。您会花时间与他人交谈，了解他们，与他们建立联系，听取他们的意见。您按照他们的条件而不是您自己的条件与他人交流。您会仔细考虑自己所说的话，这样人们就会更愿意向您敞开心扉。

With elicitation, you’re approaching conversations purposefully, interacting more smoothly and patiently than you otherwise would. You’re doing this out of self-interest, recognizing that most people don’t respond well to being pummeled by direct questions. But you’re also being kinder. All of us have some agenda we’re pursuing when interacting with another person, whether we recognize it or not. You might seek information about how someone is feeling, or whether they like you or not, or whom they’ve spoken with, or whether they’ll be a good partner on an upcoming endeavor. With elicitation, you’re clear about your agenda but you don’t just pursue it single-mindedly and at all costs. You take the time to talk with others, to get to know them, to connect with them, to hear what they have to say. You engage with others on their terms, not just yours. You put some thought into what you’re saying, so that people feel more comfortable opening up to you.

根据我的经验，大多数人不知道如何从他人那里获取信息。当他们不积极地提出问题来获取信息时，他们会以笨拙的方式进行对话，从而暴露他们的意图并疏远他人。我怀疑这是因为当我们大多数人长大时，我们的父母在想要信息时倾向于询问我们。他们并不经常坐下来和我们交谈更友善、更中立的方式。所以，我们从未学会如何做到这一点。我们从小就认为人们天生具有防御性，获取信息的唯一方法就是从他们身上榨取。事实上，我们的商业伙伴、老板、孩子、年迈的父母、朋友和邻居比我们想象的更愿意透露信息。他们只是需要感到舒服。为了讨好他们，我们必须暂时放下自己的需求和欲望。深吸一口气，我们必须了解别人的想法，放慢速度，进行更丰富、更充实的互动。我们必须把谈话的重点放在他们身上，而不是我们自己身上。

In my experience, most people don’t know how to elicit information from others. When they’re not aggressively posing questions to extract information, they pursue conversations in clumsy ways that reveal their agendas and alienate others. I suspect this is because when most of us grew up our parents tended to interrogate us when they wanted information. They didn’t often sit down to speak with us in a kinder, more neutral way. So, we never learned how to do this. We grew up assuming people were naturally defensive and the only way to get information was to squeeze it out of them. In truth, our business associates, bosses, children, elderly parents, friends, and neighbors are a lot more willing to divulge information than we might realize. They just have to feel comfortable. To ingratiate ourselves with them, we have to suspend our own needs and desires for a moment. Taking a deep breath, we have to understand where others are coming from and slow down enough to have a richer, more fulfilling interaction. We have to make the conversation about them, not us.

有效诱导的七个步骤

Seven Steps to Effective Elicitation

有一个简单的方法来谈论别人，这样你就可以引出信息，让对方因为认识你而受益。首先，制定一个预期目标。你从谈话中寻求什么信息？你的目标越清晰，你就能越周到地引导一次会面。但要注意：你不能选择任何目标。你寻求的信息必须与你与目标之间的借口和融洽程度大致相符。如果我们在进行语音钓鱼攻击时打电话给公司的人，比如说我们来自 IT 部门，并要求他们的社会安全号码，他们会起疑心，不会告诉我们。但如果我们告诉他们我们是从人力资源部门打来的，他们更愿意敞开心扉。他们明白为什么人力资源部门的人需要社会安全号码，因为人力资源部门负责预扣税和其他税务相关事宜。IT 人员？有可能，但我们必须更加努力地找借口，让它合适。

There’s an easy process for making conversation about someone else, so that you can elicit information and leave the other person better off for having met you. First, frame an intended goal. What information do you seek from a conversation? The clearer your goal is in your mind, the more thoughtfully you can steer an encounter. But beware: you can’t choose any goal. The information you seek must roughly align with the pretext and level of rapport you have with your target of interest. If we call people at a company when conducting a vishing (voice phishing) attack, say we’re from the IT department, and request their Social Security number, they’ll get suspicious and won’t give it to us. But if we tell them we’re calling from the HR department, they’re more inclined to open up. They understand why someone from HR would need a Social Security number, since HR handles withholdings and other tax-related matters. An IT guy? It’s possible but we have to work harder at the pretext to make it fit.

第二，牢记目标，观察你感兴趣的人。这一步至关重要。无论是陌生人还是亲近的人，如果可能的话，观察他们二十到三十秒——足够长的时间，注意关键细节，但不要太久，以免给人留下令人毛骨悚然的印象。观察他们可以让您了解自己是否在合适的时机捕捉到他们。他们看起来急着要离开吗？他们是否正在与别人交谈？他们是否戴着耳机沉浸在自己的私人世界中？如果这些迹象看起来不太乐观，请推迟对话。如果看起来有可能进行对话，请仔细观察他们的肢体语言，寻找如何接近的线索。如果他们看起来对某事感到困惑，也许您可​​以有办法帮助他们。如果他们看起来很沮丧，也许您可​​以表示同情。如果他们身边还有其他人，想想他们的“部落”对您的任务来说是一笔财富还是阻碍。

Second, with your goal in mind, observe your person of interest. This step is critical. Whether it’s a total stranger or someone close to you, watch them for twenty to thirty seconds if possible—long enough to notice key details but not so long that you come across as creepy. Observing them can clue you in to whether you’re catching them at an opportune time. Do they seem in a hurry to leave? Are they already in the middle of a conversation with someone else? Are they wearing headphones and ensconced in their own, private world? If the signs don’t seem promising, postpone the conversation. If a conversation seems possible, scrutinize their body language for clues on how to approach. If they seem confused about something, perhaps there might be a way for you to help. If they seem frustrated, perhaps you can commiserate. If they’re accompanied by others, think about whether their “tribe” will be an asset or a hindrance in your task.

如果你观察不当，你可能会搞砸下一步：制定一个“邀请性”问题和退出策略。当你接近一个陌生人时，你的开场问题——你希望能“邀请”你进行对话的问题——至关重要，因为如果你不能在头三秒内建立融洽关系，谈话就无法继续。我吃尽了苦头才学到这个。有一次，我的几个学生在一家酒店的酒吧里向我挑战，让我展示如何诱导。我信心满满地走向坐在隔壁大厅的一个人。我没有观察或思考我的问题，就大步走向这个家伙，靠得太近，大声说：“嘿，我可以问你一个问题吗？”他原来是一位年纪较大的绅士，体型比我小很多。我明显的做法吓了他一跳，以至于他的椅子向后倒去，他摔倒在地。我惊慌失措地跑到椅子后面，试图把它扶正。这把椅子比我想象的要轻得多，所以我把这家伙推了几英尺，让他脸朝下摔在附近的沙发上。酒店工作人员跑了过来，以为我在攻击他。不好。我有没有提取他的全名、出生日期和居住城市？我没有。专业提示：不要做我在这里做的事情。

If you fail to observe properly, you might screw up the next step: frame an “invitational” question and an exit strategy. When you’re approaching a stranger, your opening question—the one you hope will “invite” a conversation—is critical, since if you can’t build rapport in the first three seconds, the conversation won’t continue. I learned this the hard way. On one occasion, several of my students challenged me to demonstrate elicitation in a hotel bar. Brimming with confidence, I approached a guy sitting in an adjacent lobby. Without observing or thinking about my question, I walked too briskly up to this guy, got in too close, and said loudly, “Hey. Can I ask you a question?” He turned out to be an older gentleman and physically much smaller than me. My unsubtle approach startled him—so much so that his chair tipped backward, sending him sprawling onto the floor. Mortified, I ran around to the back of the chair and tried to tip it back up. The chair was much lighter than I thought, so I wound up launching this guy several feet, sending him into a face plant on a nearby couch. Hotel staff ran up, thinking I was attacking the guy. Not good. Did I extract his full name, date of birth, and city of residence? I did not. Pro tip: don’t do what I did here.

在提出“邀请性问题”时，首先要问自己是否可以走近并进入他们的私人空间。“你好，”你可以说，“我能占用你一分钟时间吗？”让他们稍微降低一下力场。然后确保你的更实质性的后续问题可能会引发进一步的对话。人们犯的最大错误是提出一个没有任何结果的封闭式问题。如果你试图通过说“嘿，我在找一家附近的好餐馆。你有什么建议吗？”来开始对话，你感兴趣的人可能会说，“不，对不起，我不是本地人。”或者他们可能会说，“是的，路上一英里左右有一家很棒的秘鲁餐厅。”无论哪种方式，都很难继续谈话。他们会希望你谢谢他们，然后离开。如果你反而用其他问题轰炸他们，会引起他们的怀疑。

When framing an “invitational question,” first ask if you can approach and enter their personal space. “Hello there,” you might say, “can I borrow a minute of your time?” Let them lower their force field just a little. Then make sure your more substantive, follow-up question will likely spark further conversation. The biggest mistake people make is to pose a closed-ended question that doesn’t lead anywhere. If you try to start a conversation by saying, “Hey, I’m looking for a good restaurant around here. Do you have any suggestions,” your person of interest might say, “No, sorry, I’m not from around here.” Or they might say, “Yeah, there’s a great Peruvian place about a mile down the road.” Either way, it’s hard to continue the conversation. They’ll expect you to thank them and be on your way. If instead you pummel them with additional questions, you’ll arouse their suspicion.

你的开场白中应该隐含着退出策略。如果可能的话，你应该回答在互动开始时每个人都想知道的四个关键问题之一：需要多长时间？所以，可以说“嘿，你能帮我一个急事吗？我只需要一分钟。”或者“我马上要走了，但我只是想问一下……”这样的开场白表明对话确实会很快。一定要保持简短。如果你想要更多时间，你需要对方的邀请。在他们的脑海中让时间超过你分配的时间，你就有可能疏远他们，并危及你的诱导努力。

Implicit in your opening question should be an exit strategy. If possible, you want to answer one of those four key questions that everyone wonders at the outset of an interaction: How long will it take? So, say something like, “Hey, can you help me with something quick? I just need a minute.” Or, “I’m about to run, but I just had to ask . . . .” Such an opening indicates that the conversation really will be quick. And be sure to keep it quick. If you want more time, you need an invitation from the other person. Run the clock past your allotted time in their mind and you risk alienating them and jeopardizing your elicitation efforts.

提出邀请性问题后，通过提出更多问题推动对话向前发展（步骤 4）。大多数人认为对话主要是他们说话的机会。在诱导性对话中，你提出问题来引导对话，让对方说更多话。你必须继续提出开放式的问题，因为你想让对话持续足够长的时间以获得你想要的信息。当然，提出问题让感兴趣的人可以说话意味着你将在对话的大部分时间里积极倾听（步骤 #5）。大多数人都很难积极倾听。当别人说话时，他们会思考接下来要说的观点。如果你没有积极倾听你感兴趣的人所说的话，你就没有机会提出下一个后续问题。

Once you’ve delivered your invitational question, drive the conversation forward (step #4) by posing more questions. Most people think of conversations primarily as opportunities for them to talk. In an elicitation conversation, you pose questions to steer the conversation and allow the other person to do more of the talking. It’s essential that you continue to make these questions open-ended, since you want to keep the conversation going long enough to obtain your desired information. Of course, posing questions so that the person of interest can talk means you’ll be spending most of the conversation actively listening (step #5). Most people struggle to listen actively. While someone else is talking, they’re thinking about the next point they’re going to make. If you aren’t actively listening to what your person of interest is saying, you won’t position yourself to ask the next follow-up question.

倾听能力差也会阻碍你成功完成第六步，记住细节。你可以出色地进行对话，巧妙地诱导你感兴趣的人透露重要信息。但如果你不擅长记住细节，你的诱导努力将毫无用处。我无法告诉你，有多少学生完成了本章开头描述的家庭作业，获得了所需的信息，但却记不清，无法复述给我听。你可能会说你记忆力不好，所以你不会像专业黑客那样记录细节。别相信！我曾经我的记忆力很差，但经过练习，我不仅能记住别人告诉我的细节，还能记住许多环境细节，比如肢体语言和衣着。提出反思性问题可以提高你对细节的记忆，因为你是在强迫自己重复信息。当然，你不想过度这样做，因为你可能会让听众感到无聊或听起来像个白痴。这里有一个小游戏可以帮助你提高对细节的记忆：

Poor listening will also prevent you from succeeding at the sixth step, remembering the detail. You can do a fantastic job conducting a conversation, subtly inducing your person of interest to divulge important information. But if you aren’t adept at remembering detail, your elicitation efforts won’t amount to anything. I can’t tell you how many students of mine have conducted the homework assignments described at the beginning of this chapter, obtained the desired information, and yet couldn’t remember it well enough to repeat it back to me. You might claim you don’t have a great memory so you just won’t record details like a professional hacker. Don’t believe that! I used to have a terrible memory, but with practice I’ve reached the point where I not only remember what people tell me in fine detail, but also numerous environmental details, such as body language and clothing. Posing reflective questions can improve your memory for detail, since you’re forcing yourself to repeat information. Of course, you don’t want to overdo that, since you risk boring your audience or sounding like an idiot. Here’s a little game to play with yourself to help improve your memory for detail:

引出信息的最后一步是以一种让别人觉得认识你更好的方式和时间结束对话。很多时候，你最初的设置（“你有时间快速聊一聊吗？”）会自然而然地导致对话以一定时间。但要小心。你的诱导努力可能会比你想象的更成功，让你感兴趣的人沉浸在一个冗长的故事中。如果你因为已经获得了想要的信息而迅速中断谈话，就会暴露出你对自己目标的粗鲁和过分关注。对方会因为与你见面而感到不被尊重和更糟。在谈话中要有耐心，即使你已经得到了你想要的东西，也要继续积极倾听并友好地回应。谈话不只是关于你。

The final step when eliciting information is to end the conversation in a way and at a time that leaves people better off for having met you. Much of the time, your initial setup (“Do you have a minute for a quick conversation?”) will naturally lead the conversation to end at a certain time. But be careful. Your elicitation efforts might prove more successful than you think, leading your person of interest to become immersed in an extended story. If you quickly break off the conversation because you’ve obtained the information you sought, you’ll reveal yourself to be rude and overly concerned with your own objectives. The other person will feel disrespected and worse off for having met you. Be patient with the conversation and continue to listen actively and respond kindly even after you’ve gotten what you want. The conversation isn’t only about you.

与本书中描述的其他策略一样，你练习得越多，诱导就会越自然。每天和你生活中的人一起尝试，陌生人、朋友、家人和同事。一开始试着获取相对无害的信息，比如星巴克顾客的全名，或者你家孩子上学期间做了什么。当你变得更加自信时，使用诱导来诱导你生活中的人透露有意义的信息。你的另一半对你们的关系前景到底有什么看法？你的老板对你的表现是否像他们看起来的那样满意？你最好的客户是计划增加明年的订单，还是减少订单？上周末你家孩子参加的聚会上发生了什么？你马上就会知道！

As with the other strategies described in this book, elicitation will feel more natural the more you practice it. Try it every day with the people in your life, total strangers as well as friends, family, and colleagues. Try at first to obtain relatively innocuous information, like the full name of a fellow Starbucks patron or what your teenager did during their school day. As you become more confident, use elicitation to induce people in your life to divulge meaningful information. What does your significant other really think about your relationship prospects? Is your boss as happy about your performance as they seem to be? Is your best customer planning to increase their orders for next year, or cut them back? What happened at the party your teenager attended last weekend? You’re about to find out!

将启发提升到新的水平

Taking Elicitation to the Next Level

当你觉得更有针对性地进行对话时，你可以通过采用一些额外的技巧来提高你的结果。我们在本章开头遇到了其中一种技巧——“信任的信心”。与联邦调查局行为分析项目 (BAP) 前负责人 Robin Dreeke 合作，我开发了五种额外的诱导技巧，这些技巧将帮助你引诱人们说出自己的想法并让他们向你“泄露”信息。

As you feel more comfortable pursuing conversations more purposefully, you can improve your results by working in some additional techniques. We encountered one of these techniques—“Trusted confidence”—at the beginning of the chapter. In collaboration with Robin Dreeke, former head of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program (BAP), I’ve developed five additional elicitation techniques that will help you draw people out and get them to “leak” information to you.

通过黑客手段建立更深层次的联系

Hack Your Way to a Deeper Connection

人们称酒精为社交润滑剂——确实如此。但本章讨论的技巧也是如此。我们中的一些人天生就有“口才”。其他人则需要努力才能掌握。无论是大师还是新手，你，也 可以掌握谈话技巧，并充分利用它。回报不仅仅是对谈话的更多控制，更多的信息，以及让更多人喜欢你的陪伴和觉得你和蔼可亲的能力。这是与人建立更深层次联系的机会，有时是出乎意料的，甚至是与完全陌生的人。

People call alcohol a social lubricant—and it is. But so are the techniques discussed in this chapter. Some of us are born with the “gift of gab.” Others of us have to work at it. Whether master or novice, you, too, can ace the art of conversation and deploy it to your advantage. The payback isn’t just more control over conversations, more information coming your way, and the ability to get more people to enjoy your company and find you affable. It’s the chance to connect more deeply with people, sometimes unexpectedly and even with total strangers.

还记得我在本章开头提到的练习吗？那个让一个陌生人告诉你一个他们从未告诉过任何人的秘密的练习。我的两个年轻学生——一男一女——在拉斯维加斯的一家酒店里进行了这个挑战（我们像往常一样在那座城市举行培训）。我的学生们在赌桌和老虎机之间穿梭时，遇到了一对六十多岁的夫妇，一对夫妻，并开始了交谈。两人很快就建立了某种融洽的关系，很快大家就开始谈论他们的生活、家庭，甚至一些他们珍视的信念。在这场愉快但相当平淡无奇的谈话进行了大约二十分钟后，男学生认为他们之间的融洽关系已经变得足够牢固，他可以问任何问题并得到认真的答复。于是，他提出了这个问题。 “今晚我四处走走，只是想认识一些陌生人并建立关系，”他说，“我发现做到这一点的最好方法之一就是提出一个非常深刻的问题，例如，‘告诉我一些你从未告诉过任何人的事情。’那么，你会说什么？”

Remember the exercise I mentioned at the beginning of the chapter, the one about asking a total stranger to tell you a secret they hadn’t told anyone before? Two young students of mine—a male and female—pursued this challenge at a Las Vegas hotel (we were holding a training in that city, as we often do). My students were circulating among the betting tables and slot machines when they met a couple in their sixties, a husband and wife, and initiated a conversation. The two quickly established some rapport, and soon the group were chatting about their lives, their families, even some of their dearly held beliefs. About twenty minutes into this pleasant but fairly unremarkable conversation, the male student decided that the rapport between them had grown sufficiently strong that he could ask just about anything and obtain a serious reply. So, he popped the question. “I’ve been walking around tonight just trying to meet some strangers and build relationships,” he said, “and I find that one of the best ways of doing that is to just throw out a really deep question like, ‘Tell me something you’ve never told anyone.’ So, what do you say?”

夫妻二人对视一眼，泪水夺眶而出，妻子也抽泣起来。

The husband and wife looked at one another and tears welled up in both of their eyes. The wife began to sob.

男同学心里非常难受——自己到底做了什么？

The male student felt terrible—what had he done?

丈夫看着他说道：“一年前，我们的儿子自杀了。这是糟糕的一年。两周前，我们彼此约定。我要杀了她，然后举枪自杀。”

The husband looked at him and said, “A year ago, our son committed suicide. It has been an awful, awful year. Two weeks ago, we made a pact with one another. I was going to kill her, and then turn the gun on myself.”

我的学生们都无言以对。

My students were speechless.

丈夫用袖子擦眼睛，妻子则挣扎着镇定下来。“我们计划好了一切，但在最后一刻，我们无法继续下去。这有什么意义呢？我们决定将自己的一生奉献给帮助其他与抑郁和自杀念头作斗争的年轻人。我们最后一次来到拉斯维加斯是为了玩得开心。然后我们将拿出我们一生的积蓄去完成我们的使命。”

The husband wiped his eyes with his sleeve while his wife struggled to compose herself. “We had everything planned, but at the last minute, we couldn’t go through with it. What was the point? We decided to devote our lives to helping other young people struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. We’re here in Vegas one last time to have fun. Then we’re going to take our entire life savings and pursue our mission.”

我的学生拥抱了这对夫妇，在接下来的半个小时里，他们继续一起说笑和哭泣。然后他们一起去吃饭，交换了电话号码。当我们的培训结束，学生们回家后，他们继续与这对夫妇保持联系。我不知道他们的关系是否进一步发展，他们是否仍然保持联系，但我知道，诱导技巧的应用带来了非常特殊的亲密时刻，并建立了有意义的关系。

My students gave this couple a hug and for the next half hour they continued to talk and laugh and cry together. Then they went to dinner together and exchanged numbers. When our training was over and the students went home, they continued to stay in touch with this couple. I don’t know if their relationship blossomed further and they’re still in touch, but I do know that the application of elicitation techniques led to a very special moment of intimacy and the forging of a meaningful relationship.

我的学生并不是简单地走到这对夫妇面前，让他们告诉他们一些他们从未告诉过别人的事情。他们通过建立融洽的关系“赢得”了提出这个问题的机会。他们以友好的方式接近这对夫妇，对他们的生活表现出一种无害的兴趣，倾听他们所说的话，提出深思熟虑的后续问题，并注意这对夫妇对谈话的反应，并相应地做出调整。这些学生有自己的计划，但追求它促使他们比他们原本可能更仔细地思考他们所说的内容和说话方式。诱导真的是一种超能力，如果合乎道德地运用它，你就不会控制别人，命令他们透露信息，而是建立真正的（尽管往往是短暂的）关系，这样他们就会自然而然地想要敞开心扉。你练习诱导和本书中描述的其他策略越多，你就越擅长它们。你所有的人际关系都会变得更好。

My students didn’t simply go up to this couple and ask them to tell them something they’d never told anyone else. They “earned” the chance to pose this question by building rapport. They approached the couple in a friendly way, showed an innocuous interest in their lives, listened to what they were saying, asked thoughtful follow-up questions, and paid attention to how this couple appeared to be reacting to the conversation moment by moment, adjusting accordingly. These students had an agenda of their own, but pursuing it prompted them to think far more carefully about what they were saying and how they were saying it than they otherwise might have. Elicitation really is a super power, one that when ethically applied allows you not to dominate people and command them to divulge information but to build real (if often short-lived) relationships, so that they’ll naturally want to open up. The more you practice elicitation and the other strategies described in this book, the better you get at them. All of your relationships shift for the better.

到目前为止，我们已经讨论过的主题——借口、融洽关系、诱导、和影响——都属于社会工程学积极的、亲社会的一面。虽然坏人会利用它们来造成伤害，但我们其他人也可以利用它们来帮助他人，同时实现自己的目标。但黑客工具箱里有一些工具在日常生活中应该是禁止使用的。这些工具非常强大，但使用它们不可能不造成伤害，在某些情况下，伤害还相当严重。我说的是操纵的黑暗艺术。如果你曾被强迫交出金钱或其他贵重物品，你就会知道操纵有多么伤人。在下一章中，我将教你如何操纵，不是为了让你利用它来为自己谋利，而是为了让你警惕骗子、骗子、间谍和其他坏人。世界上有很多狡猾的人。最好的保护就是知道他们是如何运作的。

The topics we’ve covered so far—pretexting, rapport, elicitation, and influence—all belong to the positive, pro-social side of social engineering. Although bad guys use them to cause harm, the rest of us can deploy them to help others while also pursuing our own goals. But there are tools in the hacker’s toolbox that should remain off-limits in everyday life. These tools are extraordinarily powerful but it’s impossible to use them without causing harm that in some cases is quite severe. I’m speaking of the dark arts of manipulation. If you’ve ever been strong-armed into parting with your money or something else of value, you know how hurtful manipulation can be. In the next chapter, I’ll teach you how manipulation works, not so you can deploy it to your advantage but so you can be on the alert against conmen, crooks, spies, and other bad guys. There are devious people out there in the world. The best protection is to know how they operate.

停止操纵

Stop Manipulating

了解操纵技巧还有一个原因：这样你就可以防止自己无意中运用它们。不只是那些不择手段的个人和公司会使用黑暗手段来得到他们想要的东西。我们所有人都会时不时地这样做，通常是以微小或微妙的方式，并没有多想。我是一个相当胖的人，当我坐飞机时，坐在靠窗的位置，旁边的中间座位上挤着一个人，这真是一件痛苦的事。如果我是第一批登机的人之一，而且是非预留座位，我会焦虑地注视着陆续进来的乘客，祈祷没有其他人坐在我旁边。我不愿意承认这一点，但有时我做的不仅仅是祈祷。我会把我的夹克或其他个人物品放在座位上，让它看起来像是被人拿走了。我把腿和胳膊稍微张开，暗示任何胆敢坐在我旁边的人都不会享受到自己的私人空间。我还戴上耳机，假装在听音乐，这样乘客就不太会问我座位是否有人了。

There’s another reason to understand manipulation techniques: so that you can stop yourself from inadvertently applying them. It isn’t just unscrupulous individuals and companies who deploy the dark arts to get what they want. All of us do it from time to time, often in small or subtle ways and without thinking much of it. I’m a pretty big dude, and when I fly, it’s a pain sitting by the window and having someone scrunched next to me in the middle seat. If I’m one of the first to board and its unreserved seating, I keep an anxious eye on the passengers filtering in, praying nobody else sits next to me. I hate to admit this, but I’ve sometimes done more than pray. I’ve put my jacket or another personal belonging in the seat, making it seem like it’s taken. I’ve done a little manspreading of my legs and arms, suggesting that anyone with the temerity to sit next to me will enjoy no personal space of their own. And I’ve donned headphones, pretending to listen to music so that passengers will be less inclined to ask me if the seat is taken.

如果我要施加影响，让其他乘客坐到别处，我会与他们进行礼貌的交谈，并友好地请他们坐在别处。但在这种情况下，我会通过引发不愉快的情绪，以虚假的借口强迫他们做出决定：害怕“违反规则”或如果确实有人已经占了那个座位，会显得粗鲁；或者不喜欢坐在一个看起来冷漠、不尊重他人个人空间的大个子、满头大汗的人旁边。我的操纵是自私的、不体贴的、不尊重的。虽然它没有造成严重伤害，但确实让我的其他乘客的日子变得有点难熬。

If I were deploying influence to get my fellow passengers to sit elsewhere, I would have engaged them in polite conversation and asked them kindly to sit elsewhere. But on these occasions, I forced them to make a decision on false pretenses by triggering unpleasant emotions: fear of “breaking the rules” or appearing rude if someone has indeed already claimed that seat; or distaste at sitting next to a big, sweaty guy who is seemingly aloof and disrespectful of others’ personal space. My manipulation was selfish, inconsiderate, and disrespectful. Although it didn’t cause grievous harm, it did serve to make my fellow passengers’ days just a little bit harder.

当陌生人为了空间或其他稀缺商品而相互竞争时，这种行为很常见。但我们在与朋友、亲戚和生活中其他重要的人打交道时，也会采取一些小手段操纵。当你希望你的伴侣表现出某种行为时，你总是以直截了当、友善的方式对待他们吗？还是你有时会通过激起他们的情绪来强迫他们这样做，暗示如果他们不按照你的意愿行事会多么可怕，如果他们按照你的意愿行事会多么美好？

Behavior like this is common in situations when strangers are competing with one another for space or some other scarce commodity. But we also resort to manipulation in small ways when dealing with friends, relatives, and other important people in our lives. When you want your partner to behave in a certain way, do you always approach them in a straightforward and kind manner? Or do you sometimes push them into it by arousing their emotions, suggesting how frightening it might be if they don’t behave as you wish, and how wonderful it would be if they do?

一天下午，我真的很想吃牛排当晚餐，而我妻子正处于“禁肉”状态。当我们一起开车去某个地方时，我向她植入了美味肉类菜肴的画面。“你闻到昨晚烧烤的味道了吗？天哪，闻起来真香！”我滔滔不绝地谈论烧烤，并提醒她我们最喜欢的一些烤肉。后来，我随意地问她晚餐想吃什么。“我不知道，”她说，“但我很想吃牛排。”那天晚上我们确实吃了牛排当晚餐——我操纵她放弃了吃素的愿望。她没有遭受负面后果，但如果情况不同（例如，如果她有心脏病，并按照医生的嘱咐避免食用动物蛋白），她可能会遭受负面影响。无论如何，我的行为很自私，利用了她情感脆弱地遵从我的意愿，完全不考虑她的需要或愿望。

One afternoon, I really felt like eating steak for dinner, and my wife was on a “no-meat” kick. While we were driving somewhere together, I planted images in her mind of delicious meat dishes. “Did you smell that barbecue last night? Man, it smelled amazing!” I talked on and on about grilling and reminded her of some of our favorite grilled meats. Later, I asked casually what she felt like having for dinner. “I don’t know,” she said, “but I’m craving a steak.” We did in fact eat steak for dinner that night—I had manipulated her into setting aside her desire to eat vegetarian. She didn’t suffer negative consequences, but if the situation were different (for instance, if she had heart problems and were avoiding animal protein on doctor’s orders), she might have. Either way, I was behaving selfishly, exploiting her emotional vulnerabilities to comply with my wishes, with no thought of her needs or desires.

如果你是父母，你可能会采取操纵手段来管教孩子。当孩子不按时睡觉、不做作业或不做家务时，我们可以和他们交谈，鼓励他们遵守规则。但当我们感到压力或疲惫时，很难做到这一点。因此，我们会提醒他们我们为他们所做的一切，让他们为未能满足我们简单的愿望而感到内疚。我们威胁说，如果他们不遵守，就会剥夺他们的特权，从而引起恐惧。我们用甜点作为贿赂，如果他们按照我们的意愿行事，我们就会给他们。所有这些标准的育儿技巧都是操纵的形式，不管它们看起来多么微不足道。我们没有用同情心引导他们，而是用武力强迫他们遵守规定。

If you’re a parent, you probably resort to manipulation to keep your kids in check. When our kids aren’t going to bed on time, doing their homework, or performing their chores, we could engage them in conversation, encouraging them to want to comply with the rules. But it’s hard to do that when we’re stressed or tired. So, we remind them of all that we do for them and make them feel guilty for failing to comply with our simple wishes. We threaten to take away privileges if they don’t comply, arousing fear. We bribe them with the prospect of dessert if they do as we wish. All of these standard parenting hacks are forms of manipulation, however trivial they might seem. Instead of leading with compassion, we strong-arm our way to compliance.

避免操纵可以改善你的人际关系。这需要更多的思考和努力，但通过选择在日常生活中施加影响而不是强加你的意志，你会变得更善良、更有同情心。你会更多地倾听，更好地理解他人，向他们提供更多他们想要和需要的东西，并培养融洽和信任。通过巧妙地削弱你的配偶在共同决策时行使自由意志的能力，你与她建立了多少融洽和信任？通过承诺孩子们做作业后给他们糖果，你与孩子们建立了多少融洽和信任？我戴上耳机大张着大嘴，当然没有做任何与我的旅伴建立关系的事情。如果我向他们解释我的情况，并友好地请他们坐在其他地方，我会给他们机会表现出善意，也让我有机会感受到并表达感激之情。

Avoiding manipulation can improve your relationships. It takes more thought and effort, but by choosing to exercise influence in your daily life instead of imposing your will, you’ll become kinder and more compassionate. You’ll listen more, understand others better, deliver to them more of what they want and need, and cultivate rapport and trust. How much rapport and trust do you build with your spouse by subtly eroding her ability to exercise free will when making joint decisions? How much do you build with your kids by promising them candy if they do their homework? I certainly wasn’t doing anything to build a relationship with my fellow travelers by donning my headphones and manspreading. If I had instead explained my situation and kindly asked them to sit elsewhere, I would have given them the opportunity to perform an act of kindness and me the opportunity to feel and express gratitude.

心理学家 J. Stuart Ablon在他的著作《Changeable》中描述了一种名为“协作问题解决”（CPS）的人际关系方法，在这种方法中，父母、老师和其他有权势的人不会仅仅因为他们可以而强迫别人服从，而是与他们进行富有同理心的对话，以达成合作解决方案。正如阿布隆所说，学校、精神病院和少年监狱在放弃传统纪律并采用 CPS 后，行为得到了显著改善。在一家儿童精神病院，工作人员经常被迫因为行为不当而对孩子进行身体约束——一年内，他们这样做了 263 次。在引入 CPS 一年后，他们只这样做了七次。本书中描述的影响技术与 CPS 不同，后者是一种非常具体、结构化的方法。但 CPS 的成功表明，我们不需要强迫权力较小的人按照我们的意愿行事，无论是通过操纵技巧还是通过纪律手段。还有其他选择可以让我们尊重他人，与他们建立牢固、信任、富有同理心的关系。5

In his book Changeable, the psychologist J. Stuart Ablon describes an approach to relationships called Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS), in which parents, teachers, and others in positions of power don’t force others to comply simply because they can, but instead are “nicer,” engaging in an empathetic conversation with them to arrive at a collaborative solution. As Ablon relates, schools, mental hospitals, and juvenile prisons have seen dramatic improvements in behavior after setting aside traditional discipline and employing CPS. At one psychiatric setting for kids, staff were often forced to physically restrain kids because of poor behavior—in one year, they did so 263 times. A year after introducing CPS, they did so only seven times. The influence techniques described in this book are not the same as CPS, which is a very specific, structured approach. But the success of CPS shows that we need not compel others with less power to behave as we like, whether by manipulation techniques or through disciplinary means. Other options exist that allow us to treat people with respect and build strong, trusting, empathetic relationships with them.5

虽然操纵技巧在社会工程学中非常有效，但影响技巧也是如此。在许多情况下，它们往往比直接操纵更有效。还记得培训我的那个撒谎的保险推销员 Gregg 吗？当我开始和他一起工作时，他是公司全球排名第一的销售员。在我任职该公司的一年期间，我超越了他，在整整六个月内取得了最高排名。虽然我从 Gregg 那里学到了很多东西，但我很早就决定采取道德的方式。我诚实地与客户谈论他们的保险需求，并讲述其他购买保险单并向我们提出索赔的当地农民的真实、可验证的故事。我卖出的保单通常比 Gregg 的要小，但我卖出的保单更多。最重要的是，我可以晚上睡觉，因为我知道我正在帮助满足人们的真正需求并改善他们的生活。

Although manipulation techniques are quite powerful in social engineering, so, too, are influence techniques. In many situations, they’re often more effective than outright manipulation. Remember Gregg, the lying insurance salesman who trained me? When I started working with him, he was the company’s top-ranked salesperson globally. During my year tenure at the company, I dethroned him, achieving the highest ranking for a full six months. Although I learned a lot from Gregg, I decided early on to adopt an ethical approach. I spoke honestly with customers about their insurance needs and told truthful, verifiable stories about other local farmers who had purchased policies and filed claims with us. The policies I sold were often smaller than Gregg’s, but I sold many more of them. Best of all, I could sleep at night knowing I was helping to fulfill a real need for people and improve their lives.

我当然可以想象在生死攸关的极端情况下，操纵人们以迫使他们迅速采取期望的行动可能是必要的。如果我处于人质危机中，需要攻击者放下武器，我会毫不犹豫地激起通过描述特警队的神枪手及其致命的准确性，他内心充满了强烈的恐惧。但除此之外，你最好同时追求自己的目标和他人的福祉，同时对那些可能试图使用操纵技巧对付你的人保持警惕。

I can certainly imagine extreme, life-or-death situations where it might prove necessary to manipulate people to compel them quickly to take a desired action. If I were in a hostage situation and I needed the attacker to drop his weapon, I would have few scruples about arousing intense fear in him by describing the SWAT team marksmen and their deadly accuracy. But short of that, you’re so much better off pursuing your own goals and the welfare of others concurrently, while also staying alert to others who might try to use manipulation techniques against you.

易感性原理

The Susceptibility Principle

你可能认为自己很擅长识别潜在的操纵者。你每天都会在手机和电子邮件收件箱中遇到诈骗，而你一眼就能看穿。你知道的足以让你对广告和狡猾的销售人员保持怀疑态度。没有什么能逃过你的法眼！啊，但它可以。操纵的普遍性会让我们自满，从而更容易受到攻击。我们不会想到要回应一个机器人语音信息，它用断断续续的英语警告我们，如果我们不拨打某个号码并支付高昂的费用，我们就会因为某种模糊的原因入狱。但骗子们总是在升级他们的伎俩，用越来越精妙和可信的计划让我们大吃一惊。

You might think you’re pretty good at spotting would-be manipulators. You encounter scams every day on your phone and in your email inbox, and you see right through them. You know enough to take a cynical eye toward advertising and shifty salespeople. Nothing can get by you! Ah, but it can. The sheer pervasiveness of manipulation can make us complacent and hence more vulnerable. We wouldn’t think of responding to a robotized voice message warning us in halting English that we’ll go to jail for some vague reason if we don’t call a certain number and pay an exorbitant fee. But scammers are always upping their game, surprising us with schemes that are increasingly well wrought and believable.

2019 年，英国巴克莱银行警告了一起诈骗案，犯罪分子在网上声称自己拥有一栋漂亮的度假别墅可供出租。犯罪分子以大幅折扣的价格出售这些房产，引诱毫无戒心的度假者。他们使用从其他网站窃取的真实图片，并贴上英国旅行社专业协会的标志。受害者被这笔看似真实的惊人交易所吸引，不假思索地花钱预订了这处房产，损失了数千美元。巴克莱银行对两千名消费者进行了调查，发现他们非常容易上当，大多数人承认，即使房产看起来“好得令人难以置信”，他们也会预订。6

In 2019, the British bank Barclays warned of a scam in which criminals online purported to own a beautiful vacation villa available for rent. The criminals lured unsuspecting vacationers by offering the properties at a steeply discounted rate. They used real pictures stolen from other sites and sported a logo from the United Kingdom’s professional association of travel agents. Dazzled by the prospect of an amazing and seemingly genuine deal, victims unthinkingly forked over money to reserve the property, losing thousands of dollars. Surveying two thousand consumers, Barclays found them to be shockingly vulnerable, with a majority admitting that they would book a property even if it seemed “too good to be true.”6

另一种越来越常见的骗局是，犯罪分子打电话给人们，声称绑架了家庭成员，要求立即支付赎金。他们使用欺骗技术，使电话看起来像是从亲人的手机打来的。7美国联邦调查局表示，“与传统绑架不同，虚拟绑架者实际上并没有绑架任何人。相反，他们通过欺骗和威胁，强迫受害者在计划失败前支付赎金。” 8如果你不知道这些骗局，但有人打电话给你，声称如果你不在一小时内支付 2,000 美元，他们就会杀死你的女儿，如果这个电话似乎是从她的智能手机打来的，你可能会感到害怕，甚至可能支付赎金。

In another increasingly common scam, criminals call people and claim to have kidnapped a family member, demanding immediate payment of a ransom. They use spoofing technology that allows them to make it seem that the call is coming from the loved one’s phone.7 “Unlike traditional abductions,” the FBI has said, “virtual kidnappers have not actually kidnapped anyone. Instead, through deceptions and threats, they coerce victims to pay a quick ransom before the scheme falls apart.”8 If you didn’t know about these scams, but someone called you up and claimed they would kill your daughter if you didn’t pay them $2,000 in one hour, and if that call seemed to come from her smartphone, you’d probably be terrified and perhaps even pay the ransom.

除非您从事安全行业或执法工作，否则您不会熟悉每一种新出现的骗局。但通过更深入地了解骗子如何操纵人们（无论他们使用何种具体手段），您仍然可以降低成为受害者的可能性。

Unless you’re in the security business or law enforcement, you won’t be familiar with every new scam that pops up. But you can still reduce your chances of becoming a victim by understanding more deeply how scammers manipulate people regardless of their specific scheme.

犯罪分子利用操纵手段诱发压力、焦虑或不适，从而让受害者做出违背其最佳利益的决定。在我的教学中，我将此称为易感性 原则。前面描述的导致一名男子和一名儿童死亡的勒索软件攻击就运用了这一原则。许多威胁不服从将导致某种可怕后果的骗局也是如此。在一个针对老年人的特别常见的骗局中，自称来自美国国税局的黑客会打电话声称您的社会安全号码已被禁用，在重新启用之前您将不会收到任何进一步的支票。当然，这需要支付费用。这些骗子很老练。他们会使用从暗网上购买的个人资料，称呼受害者的姓名并确认他们的地址和其他个人信息。受害者会听到背景噪音，好像骗子是从繁忙的政府办公室打来的，电话来自一个虚假的华盛顿特区电话号码。接到此类电话的老年人可能会非常害怕，以至于他们会支付费用，因为他们的每月开支都依赖于社会保障金。

Criminals use manipulation to induce stress, anxiety, or discomfort so that the victims will make decisions that contravene their best interests. In my teaching, I call this the susceptibility principle. The ransomware hack described earlier that resulted in a man and child’s death deployed this principle. So too do any number of scams that threaten some kind of awful consequence for incompliance. In one especially common scam targeted at the elderly, hackers purporting to be from the Internal Revenue Service call claiming that your Social Security number has been disabled and you won’t be receiving any further checks until it’s reenabled. That, of course, requires payment of a fee. These scammers are sophisticated. They’ll address victims by name and confirm their address and other personal information, using profiles they bought off the dark web. Their victims will hear background noises, as if the scammer is calling from a busy government office, and the call will come from a spoofed, Washington, D.C., area phone number. An elderly person receiving such a call might be so terrified that they’ll pay the fee, dependent as they are on their Social Security check for their monthly expenses.

易感性还可以通过更积极的情绪发挥作用，例如上文所述的度假租赁骗局，或父母试图贿赂孩子做作业，或所有那些声称你中奖并且只需点击此链接即可领取的电子邮件、短信和电话。另一个例子是经典的“蜜罐”技术，操纵者通过激起目标的欲望来实现一些自私的目的。电视广告采用这种方法，通过展示有吸引力的播音员并让他们穿着暴露的衣服来操纵观众购买。我们都听过“性感销售”这句格言——兜售快餐、美容产品、酒精和低俗娱乐的公司经常展示性感的画面，希望吸引观众。9 对于销售人们冲动购买且风险不大的产品的公司来说，这种宣传似乎很有效。研究发现，对于更复杂和更昂贵的产品，性感广告实际上效果不佳。在#MeToo时代，挑逗性广告可能也对快餐等产品类别失去了效力，而这些产品类别过去曾为企业提供服务。10

Susceptibility can also work via more positive emotions, as in the vacation rental scam described above, or in the attempts of parents to bribe kids to do their homework, or in all those emails, texts, and phone calls that claim you won a prize and just need to click on this link in order to claim it. Another example is the classic “honeypot” technique, in which a manipulator arouses lust in their target to achieve some selfish objective. Television advertising deploys this approach, manipulating viewers to buy by featuring attractive announcers and dressing them in revealing ways. We’ve all heard the adage that “sex sells”—companies peddling fast food, beauty products, alcohol, and lowbrow entertainment routinely feature sexually provocative imagery, hoping to entice viewers.9 Such pitches seem effective for companies selling products that people buy on impulse and that don’t carry much risk. For products that are more complex and expensive, research has found that sexually provocative advertising actually doesn’t work as well. In our era of #MeToo, provocative ads might also be losing their effectiveness for product categories like fast food, where they had formerly delivered for companies.10

有些广告在宣传过程中会激起积极和消极的情绪。你正在看电视，然后一则广告描绘了一只饥饿的狗躺在肮脏的泥泞中。一些悲伤的音乐响起，你听到“你能不能每天捐出几便士去帮助这样的动物？”然后你听到欢快的音乐，看到健康、活泼的狗狗照片，这些狗狗都是该组织在像你这样的人的慷慨捐赠下拯救下来的。你感到一种难以置信的冲动，想要帮助那只垂死的狗狗，让它恢复健康，于是你拨打屏幕上的号码捐款。但就像性一样，对于渴望真实性和现实世界影响的精明观众来说，这种策略现在不那么有效了。11据一些专家称，以创造力、幽默感和强调结果为主导——也就是说，利用影响力建设技巧而不是情感操纵——更能为重要的慈善事业创造同情。12

Some advertising arouses both positive and negative emotions in the course of delivering their pitch. You’re watching television, and an ad comes on that depicts a starving dog lying in filth. Some sad music comes on and you hear, “Won’t you please give just a few pennies a day to help animals like this?” Then you hear happy music and see pictures of healthy, playful dogs that the organization has saved thanks to generous donations from people like you. Feeling this incredible urge to help that dying dog and transform it into that wonderfully healthy dog, you call the number on your screen and donate. But like sex, this tactic is now proving less effective for a savvy viewership craving authenticity and real-world impact.11 According to some experts, leading with creativity, humor, and emphasizing results—that is, drawing on influence-building techniques instead of emotional manipulation—does more to create sympathy for important charitable causes.12

导致易感性的四种途径

Four Pathways to Susceptibility

熟练的操纵者通过利用人类心理的各个方面来增加成功的几率。以下是我经常遇到的四种通往易感性原则的途径，你应该在日常生活中时刻注意：

Deft manipulators increase their odds of success by playing on various aspects of human psychology. Here are four pathways to the susceptibility principle that I encounter all the time and that you should remain mindful of in everyday life:

我的蜕变时刻

My Transformational Moment

几年前，我刚挂牌成为职业黑客，一家大公司就雇佣我，让我用尽一切办法攻击他们——网络钓鱼、语音钓鱼、试图入侵他们的实体设施，应有尽有。我们这样做了，他们的安全措施非常好，我们根本无法攻破。我束手无策，当时我应该停下来承认失败。但我却让自负占了上风，制定了一个计划，用操纵手段入侵。

Years ago, just after I had put up my shingle as a professional hacker of humans, a very large company hired me to throw everything we had at them—phishing, vishing, attempted break-ins to their physical facilities, you name it. We did, and their security was so good we just couldn’t break through. I was at wit’s end, and at that point I should have stopped and admitted defeat. But instead, I let my ego get the better of me and hatched a plan to manipulate our way in.

我和一位女同事坐在公司的餐厅中庭，那里在室外，没有安全措施，而且很容易进入。我们假扮为公司人力资源部的成员，借口是要求员工填写有关其医疗保健政策的信息表。表格中包含我们秘密想要的信息 — 员工的全名、出生日期和员工 ID。我们反过来可以利用这些信息来入侵公司的计算机系统。

A female colleague of mine and I sat down in the company’s cafeteria atrium, which was outdoors, unsecured, and easy to access. We were posing as members of the company’s HR department, and as a pretext we were there to ask employees to fill out information forms regarding their health care policies. The forms contained information we secretly wanted—employees’ full names, date of birth, and employee ID. We could in turn use that information to compromise the company’s computer system.

按照我们预先设定的计划，我的同事告诉我，她因为她没有按时完成我给她规定的任务，我站起来，推开她的一叠表格，用相当响亮的声音对她大发雷霆，指责她搞砸了我们的工作项目。“你这个没用的女人，”我说。“难怪你找不到工作。如果你今晚之前不能解决这个问题，你就会被解雇。”我怒气冲冲地走了，坐在附近的两个家伙听到了整个事情，跳起来追我，我想，他们是想揍我。

As per our preset plan, my colleague announced to me that she had failed to meet a deadline I’d given her, I stood up, pushed back her stack of forms, and in a fairly loud voice appeared to blow up at her for screwing up our work project. “You worthless wench,” I said. “No wonder you can’t keep a job. If you don’t get this fixed by tonight, you’re fired.” I stormed off, and two guys who had been sitting nearby and heard the whole thing jumped up to run after me, intending, I thought, to beat me up.

我假装没看见他们，我的同事拦住他们，为我辩护。“不，不，”她说，“拜托，拜托。他压力很大。他和他妻子在家里有问题。我本应该完成这个项目，但都是我的错。他有权冲我大喊大叫。”说到这里，她的声音渐渐低了下来，眼泪流下来，肩膀耷拉下来。这是斯德哥尔摩综合症的模仿。

I pretended not to see them, and my colleague stopped them and defended me. “No, no,” she said, “please, guys, please. He’s under a lot of stress. He and his wife are having problems at home. I was supposed to get this project done, and it was all my fault. He had every right to yell at me.” Her voice trailed off as she said this, giving way to tears and slumped shoulders. It was mock Stockholm syndrome.

“没人有权利对你大喊大叫，”其中一名男子说道。“没人应该这样对待你。”

“No one has a right to yell at you,” one of the men said. “Nobody should treat you this way.”

另一名旁观者，看起来像是该公司的高级经理，过来询问发生了什么事。

Another bystander, who appeared to be a senior manager at the company, came over to ask what happened.

“她的老板刚刚对她大喊大叫，”一位好心人说。“他今天就要解雇她。”

“Her boss just yelled at her,” one of the Good Samaritans said. “He’s going to fire her today.”

“今天没人会被解雇，”这位旁观者说。他拿起表格，命令餐厅里的每个人都填上。十分钟内，我们就填了七十份表格，里面的信息足以入侵电脑系统。

“Nobody’s getting fired today,” this bystander said. He took the forms and ordered everyone in the cafeteria to fill them out. Within ten minutes, we had seventy forms filled out, with more than enough information to break into the computer system.

大获全胜，对吧？一点也不。我们通过操纵手段进入了公司。员工们之所以服从，并不是因为他们想服从，而是因为我们激起了他们的负面情绪。我们采用了惩罚的手段，让目标员工面对心理上痛苦的前景，即看到其他人被羞辱和解雇。在某种程度上，我们也使用了强制重新评估，创造了一种直接挑战职业行为规范的老板与员工之间的互动。我们的行为让我们的目标员工对他们所看到的一切感到厌恶。他们为我的同事感到难过并对我生气。他们并没有因为见到我们而感觉好一点。他们感觉更糟了。公司再也没有召我们回去工作，这绝非巧合。

Big victory, right? Not at all. We had manipulated our way in. The employees didn’t comply because they wanted to, but because of negative feelings we had aroused. We used the punishment pathway, confronting our targets with the psychically painful prospect of seeing someone else humiliated and fired. To some extent, we used forced reevaluation as well, creating a boss-employee interaction that directly challenged the norms of professional conduct. Our actions left our targets disgusted at what they’d witnessed. They felt bad for my colleague and were angry at me. They didn’t feel better for having met us. They felt worse. No coincidence that the company never called us back to work for them again.

一旦我们确定所有常规技术都失败了，我们应该做的就是取消测试并祝贺该公司有效的安全措施。然后我们可以提议使用这样的操纵技术，理由是保护他们免受最无良阴谋家的侵害，并让他们同意。只有到那时，我才会对使用这种技术感到满意。

What we should have done, once we had determined that all of our ordinary techniques had failed, was call off the test and congratulate the company on their effective security. We could have then proposed using manipulative techniques such as this, justified for the sake of protecting them against the most unscrupulous plotters, and gotten them to agree to it. Then, and only then, would I have felt good about using such techniques.

这件事发生在我职业生涯的早期，代表着我道德上的失误，至今我仍对此深感后悔。不过，我很高兴地说，这对我来说是一个转折点。在那之前，我一直试图尽量减少对他人的伤害，做正确的事，但我没有认真考虑过我要坚持的道德标准。我没有问过自己，我真正想成为哪种黑客——我的目的是什么。我是为了钱吗？还是我会把我的职业生涯奉献给做好事，努力改变别人的生活？如果我想要的只是钱，那么像这样的攻击可能没问题——我没有造成那么大的破坏。如果我想做好事，那么除了少数例外，我必须避免这样的攻击，即使我知道它们会奏效。

This episode, which took place early in my career, represented a lapse of ethics on my part, and one I continue to deeply regret. I’m happy to say, though, that it was a turning point for me. Until then, I had tried to minimize harm to others and do the right thing, but I hadn’t given much thought to the ethical standards I would uphold. I hadn’t asked myself what kind of hacker I really wanted to be—what my purpose was. Was I in it for the money? Or would I dedicate my career to doing good and trying to make a difference in others’ lives? If all I wanted was money, then exploits like this were probably fine—I hadn’t caused that much damage. If I wanted to do good, then with a few exceptions I had to avoid exploits like this, even if I knew they would work.

在那件事发生后，我反思了自己的核心信念，也为我的孩子们考虑了很多。如果他们来我的公司工作，我不希望他们看到我每天都在操纵别人，更不希望他们自己也参与其中。即使他们从未为我工作过，我也不确定如果我经常如此冷酷地对待周围的人，我会成为什么样的榜样。这些想法让我豁然开朗。我现在知道我想做好事。我明白了通过操纵取胜的感觉有多糟糕，我想尽可能避免这种情况。

In the wake of that episode, I reflected on my core beliefs, and I thought a great deal about my kids. If they ever came to work at my company, I wouldn’t want them to see me manipulating people as a daily practice, much less engaging in that behavior themselves. Even if they never did work for me, I wasn’t sure what kind of role model I could be if I routinely treated others around me so callously. Such thoughts proved immensely clarifying. I now knew I wanted to do good. I understood how lousy it felt to win by manipulation, and I wanted to avoid that as much as possible.

我开始从根本上改变我们经营公司的方式——我们如何设计漏洞，如何培训团队，如何与客户打交道。为了保持专注，我们采用了 Robin Dreeke 的口头禅——“让他们因为遇见你而过得更好”——作为我们的“北极星”。我也非常关注个人生活中的道德问题，时刻警惕自己可能无意中操纵和改变或避免这种行为的时候。我寻找新的方式，将人类黑客技术用于善举。2017 年，我创建了一个非营利组织，即无辜生命基金会 (ILF)，该基金会使用黑客技术帮助抓捕和定罪儿童色情制品制造者。迄今为止，ILF 已协助处理了 250 多起案件。我并不完美，但我已经好多了。我的人际关系更加深厚，我变得更快乐了。你可以坚定地保持自己的行为光明正大，同时也要保持足够的警惕来保护自己。这样一来，你不仅生活得更好、更安全，而且还能从人们那里得到更多你想要的东西。

I proceeded to fundamentally change everything about how we ran our company—how we designed our exploits, how we trained our team, how we dealt with clients. To keep us focused, we adopted Robin Dreeke’s mantra—“Leave them better off for having met you”—as our “north star.” I also became keenly focused on ethics in my personal life, staying alert to times when I might be inadvertently manipulating and changing or avoiding that behavior. I looked for new ways in which I could use human hacking techniques for good. In 2017, I created a nonprofit, the Innocent Lives Foundation (ILF), that uses hacking techniques to help catch and convict child pornographers. To date, ILF has assisted in over 250 cases. I’m not perfect, but I’ve gotten a whole lot better. My relationships have deepened, and I’ve become happier. You can keep your conduct firmly on the side of light, while also staying attuned enough to manipulation to protect yourself. You’ll be both better off and safer for it, and you’ll still get much more of what you want from people.

为了增加你得到更多想要的东西的几率，同时避免被操纵，我想分享一些额外的技巧，如果运用得当，这些技巧可以提高影响技巧的有效性。稍后，我将讨论如何正确处理社交互动的细节，以便你给人留下真实自然的印象。但首先，让我们探讨如何利用对肢体语言的基本了解来显著改善与他人的互动。犯罪分子和职业黑客可以快速准确地解读你的肢体语言，以了解你的内心情绪状态。他们还知道如何使用肢体语言以有益的方式唤起情绪。通过让自己更加适应肢体语言，你可以对他人的经历更加敏感，并意识到自己的存在，这些品质有助于你建立关系并诱使他人想要帮助你。

To increase the odds that you’ll get more of what you want while avoiding manipulation, I’d like to share some additional techniques that when skillfully deployed can boost the effectiveness of influence techniques. A bit later, I’ll discuss how to get the details of your social interactions right so that you come across as authentic and natural. But first, let’s explore how you can use a basic understanding of body language to dramatically improve your interactions with others. Criminals and professional hackers can quickly and accurately interpret your body language to glean your inner emotional state. They also know how to use their body language to evoke emotions in helpful ways. By becoming more attuned to body language yourself, you can become far more sensitive to what others are experiencing and aware of your own presence, qualities that help you build relationships and induce others to want to help you.

一个很有用的小技巧

A Little Trick That Helps a Lot

首先，我要分享一种强大的技巧，你现在就可以使用它来改善你的社交互动，几乎不需要练习。当你与某人交谈时，跟踪他们对正在发生的事情总体上是感到舒服还是不舒服会有所帮助。你可以通过观察他们肢体语言中的细微怪癖来做到这一点。例如，如果一个人倾向于将臀部和腹部向你倾斜，乔·纳瓦罗将这种现象称为“腹侧前倾”，3这可能表示舒适。“腹侧”一词指的是人或动物的下侧。当一只友好的狗翻身仰卧，露出柔软的下腹部让你挠痒时，这就是腹侧展示。这是开放、脆弱、对你感兴趣和渴望建立联系的强烈表现。人类提供其他类型的腹侧展示。例如，我们展示手腕和手的下侧，而不是将手掌朝下。如果我邀请你和我一起吃午饭，并露出手掌，那么我邀请你的方式会更柔和、更被动，表明我渴望了解你。如果我将手掌朝下，那么我表现得更强大、更有威严、更正式。歪着头露出脖子和微笑也是表达安慰的好方法。

To get us started, I just have to share a powerful technique you can use right now to improve your social interactions, with virtually no practice. When you’re conversing with someone, it can help to keep track of whether they generally feel comfortable or uncomfortable with what’s transpiring. You can do that by observing subtle quirks in their body language. For example, if a person tends to tilt their hips and belly toward you, a phenomenon Joe Navarro has termed “ventral fronting,”3 this can indicate comfort. The word “ventral” refers to the underside of a person or animal. When a friendly dog rolls onto his or her backside, exposing his or her soft underbelly for you to scratch, that’s a ventral display. It’s a powerful indication of openness, vulnerability, interest in you, and eagerness to make a connection. Humans offer up other kinds of ventral displays. For instance, we show the underside of our wrists and hands as opposed to keeping our palms facing down. If I ask you to have lunch with me and make the underside of my hand visible, I’m inviting you in a softer, more passive way, suggesting my eagerness to get to know you. If I keep my palms facing down, I’m projecting a stronger, more commanding, more formal presence. Tilts of the head that expose our neck and smiles are other great displays of comfort.

当我进入社交场合时，我会立即注意到这些非语言行为。通过观察开放的腹侧，我知道我遇到的人要么是真心愿意与我交往，要么是故意试图讨好我，以便我向他们敞开心扉，满足他们的愿望。你必须提防故意使用开放的腹侧。历史上一些最臭名昭著的骗子和罪犯都是魅力型的人会玩世不恭地表现出友好，以引诱毫无戒心的受害者。大多数时候，敞开的腹部会表明一种真正的舒适感和参与的意愿，这些信息与臀部的摆正可能会促使你开始建立融洽关系。当你在谈话过程中注意到一个人不再敞开腹部，而是采取更多的保护性手势时，这表明谈话可能已经变得更糟了。采取不同的方法或完全放弃谈话。

When I enter into a social situation, I cue in immediately to these nonverbals. Spotting open ventrals, I know that the people I meet are either genuinely open to engaging with me or are purposely trying to ingratiate themselves with me so that I’ll open up to them and go along with their desires. You do have to beware of the deliberate use of open ventrals. Some of history’s most notorious con men and criminals were charmers who cynically displayed friendliness to lure in unsuspecting victims. Most of the time, open ventrals will indicate a genuine comfort and willingness to engage, information that together with the squaring of the hips might prompt you to fire up your rapport-building efforts. And when during the course of a conversation you notice a person abandon open ventrals and adopt more protective gestures, this indicates that the conversation might have taken a turn for the worse. Take a different approach or abandon the conversation altogether.

了解“七大”是值得的

It Pays to Know the “Big Seven”

粗略地了解了肢体语言之后，让我们回顾一下人类如何表达特定的情绪，尤其是面部表情。科学家已经区分出两种面部表情：大表情，即我们有意识地做出的手势，以唤起我们的感受；微表情，即我们在体验某种情绪时做出的不自主的肌肉运动，通常没有意识到。大表情会持续几秒钟或更长时间，而微表情则非常快，只持续几分之一秒。假设你正走在办公室楼的走廊上，一个非常讨厌你的同事从前面拐角处走来。他一看到你，脸上便闪过一丝轻蔑。他的脸颊或脸侧的嘴角微微上扬——只是一丝假笑。这就是微表情。过了一会儿，当你们俩走近时，他露出一丝假笑，点了点头，说：“嗨，很高兴见到你。”微笑和点头是宏观表达。4

With this rough understanding of body language in place, let’s review how humans express specific emotions, most notably on the face. Scientists have distinguished two kinds of facial expressions: macro-expressions, gestures we consciously make to evoke how we’re feeling, and micro-expressions, involuntary muscle movements that we make, usually without realizing it, when we experience an emotion. Macro-expressions persist for a few seconds or longer, while micro-expressions are extremely quick, lasting only a fraction of a second. Let’s say you’re walking down the hallway in your office building and a colleague who hates your guts rounds the corner up ahead. The moment he spots you, a flash of contempt passes over his face. His cheek or a corner of his mouth on one side of his face rises ever so slightly—just a hint of a smirk. That’s the micro-expression. A moment or two later, as the two of you approach, he flashes a fake-looking smile, offers a brief nod of the head, and says, “Hi there, nice to see you.” The smile and head nod are macro-expressions.4

微表情对安全专家和人类黑客都非常重要。掌握这些，操作员可以在他人意识到自己的感受之前立即判断出他们的情绪状态。但微表情对于未经训练的眼睛来说很难发现。如果你对面部表情还不熟悉，最好先学习如何解读和运用宏观表情。即便是这些似乎也构成了巨大的挑战。我们体验到许多情感，包括欲望、爱、恨、自满、忧郁、沮丧、兴奋、沮丧、友好、娱乐、不满、幻灭、忧虑、狂喜、悔恨，等等。我们如何才能在不记录所有这些情感并研究它们在人脸上的精确表现的情况下提高情感意识？

Micro-expressions are extremely important to security professionals and human hackers alike. Mastering those, an operator can instantly gauge someone else’s emotional state before they even recognize how they’re feeling. But micro-expressions are difficult for an untrained eye to spot. If you’re new to facial expressions, you’re better off learning first how to read and deploy macro-expressions. Even those might seem to pose a formidable challenge. We experience so many feelings including lust, love, hatred, complacency, melancholy, frustration, excitement, dismay, friendliness, amusement, discontent, disillusionment, apprehension, ecstasy, remorse, and the list goes on and on. How can we become more emotionally aware without having to catalog all these emotions and study their precise manifestations on the human face?

很简单——关注七大情绪。研究人员发现，人类的丰富情感可以归结为一小部分“基本”或组成情绪，就像画家调色板上的多种色调理论上只能分解为三种原色（黄色、红色和蓝色）。科学家们对基本情绪的确切数量意见不一，但包括艾克曼博士在内的许多人认为只有七种：愤怒、恐惧、惊讶、厌恶、蔑视、悲伤和快乐。想想看，如果你能立即从人们的脸上发现这些关键情绪，你的交流能力会有多强。你可以避免对其他人的感受产生很大的困惑，并且可以更有效地建立融洽的关系——当别人生气时，你不会出于个人利益而提出请求，当别人悲伤时，你也不会开玩笑。

Simple—focus in on the Big Seven. Researchers have discovered that the profusion of human emotions boil down to a small group of “base” or constituent emotions, just as the many hues on a painter’s palette in theory resolve down to just three primary colors (yellow, red, and blue). Scientists differ as to the precise number of base emotions, but many, including Dr. Ekman, believe there are just seven: anger, fear, surprise, disgust, contempt, sadness, and joy. Think how much better you’d be at communicating if you could instantly spot these key emotions on people’s faces. You’d avoid a great deal of confusion about how other people are feeling, and you’d be able to build rapport more effectively—not jumping in with a self-interested request when another person is angry or cracking a joke when someone is sad.

通过学习如何自己表达基本情绪，你还可以在部署影响策略的同时，促使人们感受到对你有利的情绪。假设我闯入一栋建筑，并开始与接待员交谈。当我向她提出请求时，我可能会让她感到轻微的悲伤，这与同理心有关。如果她同情我，她就更有可能答应我的请求。但我该如何让她做到这一点呢？很简单：我通过降低嘴角来表达悲伤。除了面部表情之外，我还会通过将手放在口袋里、垂下肩膀和降低声音来进一步表达悲伤。

By learning how to display the base emotions yourself, you’d also be able to nudge people to feel emotions that work to your advantage while deploying influence tactics. Let’s say I’m breaking into a building and I’ve kicked off a conversation with the receptionist. When it comes time to make a request of her, I would probably do well to get her to feel a mild sadness, which is linked to the feeling of empathy. If she empathizes with me, she’ll be more likely to grant my request. But how do I get her to do that? Simple: I express sadness by lowering the corner of my lips as a speak. Venturing beyond facial expressions, I would further express sadness by putting my hands in my pocket, slumping my shoulders, and lowering my voice.

研究发现，我们可以通过在脸上表现出情绪来故意激起他人的情绪，科学家将这种现象称为“镜像”。5我们的这种能力源于大脑中所谓的镜像神经元，用两位研究人员的话来说，这些特殊的细胞“对我们在别人身上观察到的行为做出反应”，并且“当我们自己真正重现这种行为时，也会以同样的方式激发。” 6有趣的是，我们可以通过在脸上表达情绪来激起自己的情绪。在一项有趣的研究中，科学家发现，在阳光明媚的天气里不戴太阳镜在户外行走的人更容易感到愤怒，因为他们总是眯着眼睛。我们在生气时往往会眯起眼睛，所以当我们因为其他原因眯起眼睛时，我们的大脑会捕捉到这种感觉，并真正触发愤怒的主观体验。7当你把太阳镜忘在家里时，你是否更容易出现路怒症？现在你知道原因了。下次你需要向别人提出请求时，一定不要眯着眼睛，而是试着通过面部表情传达悲伤。这真的很有效！

Research has found that we can purposely arouse emotions in others by displaying those emotions on our faces, a phenomenon scientists call “mirroring.”5 This ability of ours derives from the presence in our brains of so-called mirror neurons, special cells that, in the words of one pair of researchers, “respond to actions that we observe in others” and “fire in the same way when we actually recreate that action ourselves.”6 Interestingly, we can arouse emotions within ourselves just by expressing them on our faces. In one fascinating study, scientists found that people who walk outside in sunny weather without wearing sunglasses experience anger more frequently because of all the squinting they do. We tend to squint when we’re angry, so when we squint from some other cause, our brains pick that up and actually trigger the subjective experience of anger.7 Do you tend to experience road rage more when you leave your sunglasses at home? Now you know why. The next time you need to make a request of someone, be sure not to squint, and try instead to convey sadness via your facial expressions. It really works!

了解七大情绪表达的第三个原因是，这样可以更好地了解自己的习惯，特别是那些可能不适合自己的习惯。所谓的“臭脸”（RBF）概念在流行文化中广为流传，一些批评家认为它是性别歧视。8研究人员已经确定，RBF 实际上是一种“事物”，而且与术语相反，它并不局限于女性。在一项研究中，研究人员使用面部识别技术来区分情绪中性的面部表情和 RBF。他们发现，RBF 似乎传达了轻蔑的暗示，这是一种非常负面的情绪，被定义为“一种认为某人或某物不值得任何尊重或认可的感觉”。9 RBF很微妙，但它传达的轻蔑足以让观众察觉到。10当它们出现时，在社交场合中的含义可能非常负面。

A third reason to understand expressions of the Big Seven emotions is to become more aware of your own habits, particularly those that might not be working for you. The notion of so-called resting bitch face (RBF) has become widespread in popular culture, with some critics regarding it as sexist.8 Researchers have determined that RBF in fact is a “thing,” and contrary to the terminology, not at all limited to women. In one study, researchers used facial recognition technology to distinguish between an emotionally neutral face and RBF. They found that RBF seemed to convey hints of contempt, a highly negative emotion defined as “a feeling that someone or something is not worthy of any respect or approval.”9 RBF is subtle but it conveys enough contempt for viewers to pick up on it.10 When they do, the implications in social situations can be quite negative.

蔑视并不是我们可能无意中产生的唯一负面情绪盟友展示。我的一个学生拉莫娜是一位友善、极具魅力的年轻德国女性，她是一名尊巴舞教练。第一次见到她时，我以为她不会对我给班上布置的家庭作业有意见。但我错了：每次她试图开始对话并实现某个目标时，她都失败了。拉莫娜不知道为什么，让我观察她在公共场所与陌生人交谈的情况。我只花了几分钟就诊断出问题所在。拉莫娜没有意识到，她通过面部表情表达了看似愤怒的东西，疏远了其他人并促使他们做出负面反应。

Contempt isn’t the only negative emotion we might unintentionally display. One student of mine, Ramona, was a friendly, highly attractive, young German woman who worked as a Zumba instructor. Upon first meeting her, I thought she would have no problem with the homework assignments I gave the class. I was wrong: every time she tried to start a conversation and achieve some objective, she failed. Ramona had no clue why and asked me to observe her as she spoke with strangers in a public place. It took me only a few minutes to diagnose the problem. Without realizing it, Ramona was expressing what appeared to be anger via her facial expressions, alienating others and prompting them to react negatively.

在与她交流时，我们发现她对作业感到紧张，因为她决心要做好，而这种紧张情绪在她的脸上表现为愤怒。一旦拉莫娜开始故意在脸上表现出快乐而不是愤怒，其他人就会对她产生好感，她也能顺利完成作业。上完我们的课后，她将这种调整转移到了日常生活中，效果非常好。课程结束后的几年里，拉莫娜给我写信，热情洋溢地讲述了她在人际关系中看到的变化。长期以来，她一直在不知不觉中表达愤怒和厌恶，甚至主观上没有感受到这种情绪。现在她已经养成了表达快乐的习惯，每个人都把她看作一个热情、友好、平易近人的人。

Debriefing with her, we discovered she felt nervous about the assignments because she was determined to do well, and this intensity was manifesting itself on her face as anger. Once Ramona began to purposely evoke happiness on her face instead of anger, others warmed up to her and she nailed the assignments. After finishing our class, she transferred this adjustment to her everyday life, to great effect. For years after the class ended, Ramona wrote me raving about the differences she was seeing in her relationships. For so long, she had been conveying a sense of anger and also disgust without knowing it or even feeling that emotion subjectively. Now that she had made a habit of conveying happiness, everyone was seeing her as a warm, friendly, approachable person.

发现并表达七大

Spotting and Expressing the Big Seven

为了进一步让你熟悉这七种情绪，让我们逐一介绍一下。在每种情况下，我都会描述相关情绪如何在我们的脸上表现出来，并穿插一些额外的非面部肢体语言描述，以进一步传达情绪。我在这里的讨论主要借鉴了 Ekman 博士的工作，他与我合作撰写了我之前关于非语言的书籍《揭开社交的面具》工程师。根据我自己的经验，我还将提供一些关于如何在日常黑客攻击情况下处理这些情绪的建议。

To further familiarize you with the Big Seven, let’s run through them one by one. In each case, I’ll describe how the emotion in question comes to life on our faces, weaving in some descriptions of additional, nonfacial body language that further conveys the emotion. My discussion here draws heavily on the work of Dr. Ekman, who collaborated with me on my earlier book about nonverbals, Unmasking the Social Engineer. Drawing on my own experiences, I’ll also offer some advice on how to work with these emotions in everyday hacking situations.

情绪＃1：愤怒

Emotion #1: Anger

当一个人感到愤怒时，他们的面部肌肉会变得紧张。他们的眉毛会皱起来，嘴唇会紧闭，但不会撅起来，他们会怒视愤怒的对象。他们身体的其他部位也会变得紧张，尤其是拳头会紧握，下巴也会紧绷。他们的胸部会鼓起，头部和下巴会向前倾。如果他们真的很生气，而且很有攻击性，他们会低下下巴。他们的声音会变得更刺耳，通常也会更响亮。

When a person feels angry, their facial muscles tend to tense up. Their eyebrows become furrowed, their lips tighten without puckering, and they glare at the object of their anger. Other parts of their bodies tighten as well, notably the fists, which become clenched, and the jaw. Their chest puffs out, and their head and chin push forward. If they’re really angry and aggressive, they will lower their chin. Their voice becomes harsher and usually louder.

马克·吐温将愤怒比作酸，指出它“对盛放它的容器的伤害比对浇灌它的任何东西的伤害都大”。11拉尔夫·沃尔多·爱默生指出，“你每如果你生气，你就失去了 60 秒的平静时间。” 12幸运的是，人类黑客没有表现出愤怒的必要。虽然你可能希望策略性地唤起其他情绪，但最好避免表现出愤怒，因为这种情绪往往是暴力或恶语的入口。如果你发现别人生气，你可能会试图缓解这种愤怒，如果你不能缓和局势，你就准备逃跑。“哇，”你可能会说，向后退，放低肩膀和手，“你看起来真的很难过。有什么问题吗？”表达关切，但不要以敌对或攻击性的方式指责别人的愤怒，因为这可能会让他们感到尴尬和进一步愤怒。检查自己，确保你没有无意或无意识地表现出愤怒，因为即使是很小的非语言表达也可能加速局势的发展。如果你看到一个人低下下巴，可能已经来不及逃跑了。这通常不仅是愤怒的迹象，也是对方即将采取暴力的迹象——即将挥拳相向，或采取更糟糕的行动。在这种情况下，如果你被困住，无法立即逃脱，那么先发制人，迅速逃离。

Mark Twain likened anger to an acid, noting that it “can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”11 Ralph Waldo Emerson noted, “For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.”12 Fortunately, human hackers have no great need to appear—or become—angry. Although you might wish to evoke other emotions strategically, it’s best to avoid projecting anger, as this emotion often serves as a gateway to physical violence or harsh speech. If you spot anger in others, you might try to ease that anger, readying yourself to make your escape if you can’t deescalate the situation. “Wow,” you might say, backing up and lowering your shoulders and hands, “you seem really upset. Is something wrong?” Express concern, but don’t call someone out on their anger in a hostile or aggressive way, as that might embarrass and further anger them. Check yourself to ensure that you’re not inadvertently or unconsciously appearing angry, since even small nonverbal expressions could serve to accelerate the situation. If you see a person lower their chin, it might be too late for escape. That’s usually a sign not just of anger but of imminent violence on the other person’s part—a punch about to be thrown, or something worse. In that case, if you’re trapped and can’t make an immediate escape, strike first and get away quick.

情绪＃2：恐惧

Emotion #2: Fear

当我们面对一种我们认为具有威胁性的刺激时，我们往往会僵住身体。我们的眉毛向上扬起，眼睛睁得大大的，仔细观察眼前的景象。我们的嘴巴张开，嘴唇向耳朵方向收缩，就好像在说“哇！”通常，我们会发出喘息声，吸入氧气。我们的颈部、上脸和手部的肌肉紧张，迫使血液流入其中。肾上腺素涌入我们的血液。所有这些都是对恐惧的生物反应，让我们要么逃跑，要么战斗。

When confronted with a stimulus we perceive to be threatening, we tend to freeze our bodies in place. Our eyebrows move upward and we open our eyes super-wide to take in the scene. Our mouths open and our lips pull pack toward our ears, almost as if we’re saying, “Eeeeek!” Often, we’ll audibly gasp, taking in oxygen. Our muscles in our neck, upper face, and hands tense, forcing blood into them. Adrenaline pumps into our bloodstreams. All of this is a biological response to fear, one that primes us to either flee or fight.

作为人类黑客，我们可能经常发现向他人灌输轻微的恐惧是有帮助的。如果你试图说服兄弟姐妹帮助你妈妈的医疗账单，唤起悲伤（作为产生同情的途径）可能是最好的方法，但你也可能希望唤起对妈妈病情的一点担忧，说这样的话：“我希望妈妈得到最好的治疗，如果我们不给她最好的治疗，我担心她的生活质量。”然而，如果引起太多的恐惧（比如说，“如果你不给我开一张一万美元的支票，妈妈会在三个月内死去”），你就有可能操纵你的兄弟姐妹。你让他们处于一种极度不舒服的状态，知道他们会采取几乎任何行动——即使是违背他们自身最佳利益的行动——只是为了减轻痛苦。

As hackers of humans, we might often find it helpful to instill mild fear in others. If you’re trying to convince a sibling to help you out with Mom’s medical bills, evoking sadness (as the route to empathy) might be the best approach, but you might also wish to evoke a bit of worry as well about Mom’s condition, saying something like, “I want the best for Mom, and I worry about her quality of life if we don’t get her the best care.” Arouse too much fear, however (by saying something like, “Mom will die within three months if you don’t write me a check for ten thousand dollars”), and you risk manipulating your sibling. You’re putting them in a state of great discomfort, knowing they will take almost any action—even one that runs contrary to their own best interest—just to ease the pain.

在许多其他情况下，如果你尽量不表现出恐惧，你的表现会更好。如果你走进老板的办公室，要求休三周假，你脸上的任何紧张情绪都可能表现为恐惧，这反过来又会引起老板的恐惧。他们会开始关注自己的担忧，比如你的假期会带来什么影响对你的客户和同事。恐惧会影响他们的决策，可能会导致负面反应。

In many other situations, you’ll perform better if you try not to convey fear. If you walk into your boss’s office requesting a three-week vacation, any nervousness you feel might come across on your face as fear, which in turn might evoke fear in your boss. They’ll begin to focus on their own concerns, such as the impact your vacation will have on your clients and colleagues. Fear will shape their decision making, possibly leading to a negative response.

请记住，如果你真的害怕，最好的办法可能是不要隐藏它，即使以其他方式表达恐惧并不理想。在一项引人入胜的研究中，科学家发现，我们周围的人实际上可以感觉到我们何时感到害怕或“情绪紧张”，无论我们是否公开承认我们的恐惧。我们的身体会在汗液中释放出化学标记物，研究人员已经记录下来，我们周围人的大脑部分会对此作出反应，对可能的威胁保持警惕。13如果你在试图影响某人时感到害怕，而你假装自己没有害怕，那么你就会损害你在他们心目中的信誉，因为在某种（可能是无意识的）层面上，他们会知道你害怕。

Bear in mind, if you’re actually afraid, your best move is probably not to hide it, even if conveying fear otherwise wouldn’t be ideal. In a fascinating body of research, scientists have discovered that people around us actually sense when we’re afraid or “emotionally stressed,” whether we acknowledge our fear openly or not. Our bodies give off chemical markers in our sweat, and as researchers have documented, parts of the brain in people around us perk up in response, alert to possible threats.13 If you feel afraid when trying to influence someone and you pretend you’re not, you’ll erode your credibility with them because on some (possibly nonconscious) level they’ll know you’re afraid.

你最好承认自己的感受，但要以一种不违背借口、不引起防御性反应的方式。如果你要求兄弟姐妹帮忙支付妈妈的医疗费用，并采用关心和同情的家庭成员的借口，不要说：“我想和你谈谈妈妈的事，但说实话，我真的很紧张，因为你经常发脾气，我不知道你会有什么反应。”相反，你应该这样说：“我想和你谈谈妈妈的事，但我很紧张——这对我来说是个很难的话题，我非常情绪化。”

You’re better off acknowledging how you feel, doing so in a way that doesn’t break with your pretext and elicit a defensive response. If you’re asking your sibling to help with Mom’s medical bills and adopting the pretext of the concerned and empathetic family member, don’t say, “I want to talk to you about Mom, but to be honest, I’m really nervous, because you often blow your top and I don’t know how you’ll react.” Rather, say something like, “I want to talk to you about Mom, but I’m nervous about it—it’s just a difficult subject for me and I’m super emotional.”

如果您向某人提出请求并发现对方有恐惧感，请重新考虑您的方法或采取行动以减少恐惧感。几年前，我站在一家超市的停车场，看到一位老妇人走向她的车时，口袋里掉了一叠钱。我慢跑过去，捡起钱，然后走到那位女士身边把钱还给她。当我走近时，她背对着我，正在把杂货装进后备箱。毫无预兆地，我拍了拍她的肩膀，脱口而出：“对不起，女士。”当她转过身时，她看到一个身材高大得多的男人正站在她面前，她大吃一惊。她不仅脸上露出恐惧的表情，还尖叫道：“我被抢劫了！我被抢劫了！”

If you approach someone with a request and detect fear, rethink your approach or take action to reduce the fear. Years ago, I stood in a supermarket parking lot and watched as a wad of money dropped from the pocket of an elderly woman as she walked to her car. I jogged over, picked up the money, and then walked over to the woman to return it to her. She had her back to me as I approached and was loading her groceries in her trunk. With no warning, I tapped her on the shoulder and blurted out, “Excuse me, ma’am.” When she turned, she saw this much larger man standing right in her face and was shocked. Not only did her face show fear, she screamed, “I’m being mugged! I’m being mugged!”

三个身穿猎装的魁梧男子听到她的声音，跑过来与我对峙。我吓坏了——我不知道这三个人是否持枪。换成另一个人，我可能会忍不住做出防御反应。他可能会与这三个人对峙，并咄咄逼人地说：“嘿，伙计们，往后退。”我选择缓和局势。我没有面对那三个男人，而是专注于那位女士，试图通过言语和非语言来消除她的恐惧。我向后退了一大步，稍微垂下肩膀以表示顺从，然后说：“好的，请冷静下来。”我把现金举到眼睛的高度，另一只手也放在视线范围内。我压低声音说：“女士，我很抱歉吓到了您。您离开商店时把这个掉了。我只是想把它还给您。”她摸了摸口袋，意识到钱丢了。她从我手中拿回钱，并连声感谢我。这时我才转身对那三个人说：“看到了吗？没有抢劫。我慢慢走开了。”这真是惊险万分，但我对非语言的意识让我化解了一个潜在的危险误会。

Three burly guys in hunting jackets heard her and ran over to confront me. I in turn was terrified—I had no idea if these three were armed. Another guy in my position might have felt tempted to react defensively. He might have confronted the three men and aggressively said, “Hey, back the hell up, guys.” I chose instead to deescalate the situation. Instead of facing the men, I remained focused on the woman and tried to diminish her fear via my speech and nonverbals. Taking a big step back, slumping my shoulders slightly to indicate submissiveness, I said, “Okay, please just calm down.” I held out the cash at eye level while keeping my other hand visible. Lowering my voice, I said, “Ma’am, I’m really sorry I startled you. You dropped this as you were leaving the store. I was just returning it to you.” Feeling in her pocket, she realized she had lost her money. Retrieving it from me, she thanked me profusely. Only then did I turn to the three men and say, “See? No mugging. I’m walking away slowly.” It was a close call, but my awareness of nonverbals allowed me to resolve a potentially dangerous misunderstanding.

情绪＃3：惊讶

Emotion #3: Surprise

为了表达惊讶，我们会抬起眉毛，睁大眼睛，喘息，就像我们害怕时那样。但是，虽然我们会将嘴唇向后拉向耳朵来表达恐惧，但我们会通过将嘴巴张成 O 形来引起惊讶。最初当我们感到惊讶时，我们倾向于向后靠。如果我们遇到一个快乐的惊喜，比如有人跳出来对我们喊“惊喜！”，我们往往会向后靠并微笑。否则，我们会继续向前倾身。感到惊讶的人也会举起双手做好准备，用手捂住胸部，或捂住脖子后面（胸骨上切迹）。

To express surprise, we raise our eyebrows, open our eyes super-wide, and gasp, as we do with fear. But whereas we pull our lips back toward our ears to convey fear, we evoke surprise by forming our mouth into an O-shape. Initially when we’re surprised, we have a tendency to lean back. If we experience a happy surprise, such as people jumping out at us and shouting, “SURPRISE!,” we tend to lean back in and smile. Otherwise, we continue to lean out. People who feel surprised also put their hands up at the ready, cover their chest with their hands, or cover the back of their neck (suprasternal notch).

出其不意往往对人类黑客有利。我闯入一栋大楼时遇到了一位接待员，她判断从她红肿的眼睛中可以看出，她似乎哭过。当她问我有什么可以帮到她的时候，我问她还好吗。这让她痛苦地叹了口气，于是我退出了黑客模式，问她出了什么问题。她回忆说，她和丈夫刚刚庆祝了他们的二十周年结婚纪念日，她丈夫给了她一对昂贵的钻石耳环。“他为这对耳环存了两年的钱，”她说，“我今天戴着它们去上班炫耀。我弄丢了其中一只。”说到这里，她放声大哭，肩膀起伏颤抖。

Surprise can often work to a human hacker’s advantage. I was breaking into a building and encountered a receptionist who, judging from her red, puffy eyes, appeared to have been crying. When she inquired how she could help me, I asked if she was okay. That evoked a pained sigh, so I stepped out of hacker mode and asked what was wrong. She recounted that she and her husband had just celebrated their twentieth anniversary, and her husband had given her an expensive pair of diamond earrings. “He’d been saving two years for them,” she said, “and I wore them into work today to show them off. I lost one of them.” At that, she broke out into sobs, her shoulders heaving and shaking.

“好吧，”我说，“我们去找找吧。”我双手双膝跪地，仔细检查了她的办公桌周围。

“Well,” I said, “let’s look for it.” I got down on my hands and knees and scoured the area around her desk.

“我已经看过了，”她说。

“I already looked there,” she said.

“当然，但也许第二双眼睛会有所不同。”

“Sure, but maybe a second set of eyes will make a difference.”

她和我一起坐在地板上，也看着。几分钟后，一束光线恰好照到她的身上，我看到了闪光。“嘿，”我说，“我不想太主动地碰你，但你检查过你的毛衣了吗？我刚刚看到你肩膀后面有东西在闪闪发光。”她允许我伸手摸她的肩膀，果然，耳环就在那里，卡在一块褶皱的布料里。我把它拿出来递给她。她的嘴巴张成了一个经典的 O 形，代表着极度的惊讶、喜悦和纯粹的兴奋。

She joined me on the floor and looked as well. After several minutes, a ray of light happened to catch her body, and I saw something glimmer. “Hey,” I said, “I don’t want to be too forward and touch you, but have you checked your sweater? I just saw something glimmer on the back of your shoulder.” She gave me permission to reach over and touch her shoulder, and sure enough, there was the earring, stuck in a fold of fabric. I pulled it out and presented it to her. Her mouth made a classic O of intense surprise mingled with delight and then sheer elation.

她给了我一个大大的拥抱，然后我们一起站了起来。“哇，”她一边说，一边处理着耳环，“我们花了十五分钟才找到这个。”听到这里，我忍不住又回到了黑客模式。从她惊讶的表情来看，我刚刚给了她一份不可思议的礼物。我可以要求任何东西，而且很可能得到积极的回应。“哦，糟糕，”我看了一眼手表说。“我要迟到了，人力资源部的会议。”我抓起东西，朝门口走去，祈祷她会直接给我开门，而不必费心检查我的身份证并给我发放徽章，因为她应该这样做。果然，她做到了。

She gave me a big hug, and we both stood up. “Wow,” she said, as she handled the earring, “we’ve just spent fifteen minutes looking for this.” At that, I couldn’t help but go back into hacker mode. Judging from the look of surprise, I had just given her an incredible gift. I could ask for anything and probably receive a positive response. “Oh, crap,” I said, glancing at my watch. “I’m late for my meeting at HR.” I grabbed my stuff and made for the door, praying that she’d just buzz me in without bothering to check my ID and issue me a badge, as she was supposed to do. Sure enough, she did.

如果你发现生活中的某人惊讶，那么这可能代表着你的机会，假设这个惊讶是积极的。如果这是一个消极的惊讶，而且是你造成的，那么重新评估你的方法，看看你是否在某种程度上引发了恐惧。你也可以投射你自己的惊讶感，以达到良好的效果。如果有人分享了一个有趣的事实，而你希望他们感到被认可，你可能会有一种倾向（就像许多人一样）用一个更好的事实来超越这个事实。克制住这种冲动，而是露出惊讶的表情，说“哦，哇，我不知道。太酷了！”他们的认可感可能会促使你努力建立融洽的关系，并最终获得你想要的东西。

If you find someone in your life reacting with surprise, it could represent an opportunity for you, assuming that the surprise is a positive one. If it’s a negative surprise and you caused it, reassess your approach to see if you’re prompting fear in some way. You can also project your own feelings of surprise to good effect. If someone shares an interesting fact and you wish them to feel validated, you might feel an inclination (as many people do) to top that fact with an even better one. Fight that urge, and instead flash a look of surprise while saying something like, “Oh, wow, I didn’t know that. How cool!” Their sense of validation might boost your efforts to build rapport and, eventually, obtain something that you desire.

情绪＃4：厌恶

Emotion #4: Disgust

为了表达厌恶，我们会皱起鼻子，收紧鼻子两侧的肌肉。在极端情况下，我们可能还会拉下眉毛，放松嘴巴，同时拉起上唇。有时人们会眯起眼睛来表达厌恶，但这其实与鼻子两侧的肌肉有关。当你收缩这些肌肉时，你会发现呼吸困难。这是因为你的身体阻止了难闻的气味与你的嗅觉受体接触。表达厌恶的人也会转过头、遮住眼睛，并用手捂住嘴或鼻子。

To convey disgust, we wrinkle our noses by tightening the muscles on either side of it. In extreme cases we might also pull our eyebrows down and loosen our mouths while pulling up our upper lips. Sometimes people squint in an effort to evoke disgust, but it’s really about those muscles on the sides of your nose. When you flex those muscles, you’ll find that you have a hard time breathing. That’s because your body is blocking offensive odors from coming into contact with your olfactory receptors. People expressing disgust also turn their heads away, block their eyes, and cover their mouth or nose with their hands.

小心不要激起别人的厌恶情绪。这是一种非常强烈的情感——事实上，这种情感强烈到可以伴随我们很多年。通常，激起厌恶情绪不会对你有帮助，但有时它可以。如果你试图让你的母亲帮你换你襁褓中的儿子的尿布，而你正在帮你的另一个小孩穿衣服，你可能会想象你的儿子坐在脏尿布里是多么不愉快，脸上流露出厌恶的表情。然后当你想象你的儿子会多么香甜可口、多么可爱时，脸上会露出微笑一旦换好尿布，你就会明白妈妈能给孩子带来什么。你将以一种直截了当、情感上强有力的方式概述了妈妈能带来的积极影响，让她更有可能想要换尿布并帮助你。

Be cautious about evoking disgust in others. It’s an extremely strong emotion—so strong, in fact, that it can stay with us for years afterward. Usually, evoking disgust won’t help you, but on occasion it can. If you’re trying to get your mother to help you change your infant son’s diaper while you’re helping your other small child get dressed, you might evoke how unpleasant it will be for your son to sit there in a dirty diaper, flashing disgust on your face. Then transition to a smile as you evoke how sweet smelling and cuddly your son will be once his diaper is changed. You will have outlined the positive impact your mother can have in a stark, emotionally powerful way, leaving her more likely to want to change that diaper and help you out.

情绪＃5：蔑视

Emotion #5: Contempt

许多人将厌恶与蔑视混为一谈。我们通常对某个行为或事物感到厌恶，但对某个人却总是感到蔑视。与厌恶不同，蔑视意味着道德判断和对可蔑视对象的优越感。两性关系专家约翰·戈特曼博士的研究发现，蔑视是预测已婚夫妇是否离婚的最重要因素。一对夫妇可能会对彼此感到愤怒、怨恨或沮丧——这已经够糟糕了。但如果一对夫妇对彼此感到根深蒂固的道德优越感，那么这段婚姻就注定要失败。仔细想想，这很有道理。你怎么能与一个在道德上比你优越的人幸福地结婚呢？反之亦然，而且他可能也以同样的方式对待你？正如戈特曼研究所网站上的一篇文章所宣称的那样，“蔑视是所有关系杀手中最毒的。我们怎么强调这一点都不为过。蔑视会摧毁心理、情感和身体健康。” 14

Many people confuse disgust with contempt. Whereas we usually feel disgust toward an action or object, we always feel contempt toward a person. Unlike disgust, contempt implies a moral judgment and a feeling of superiority over the contemptible object. Research by relationships expert Dr. John Gottman found that contempt was the single most important factor predicting whether a married couple got divorced. A couple might feel angry, resentful, or frustrated with one another—that’s bad enough. But if a couple feels revulsion rooted in moral superiority toward one another, the marriage is doomed. It makes sense when you think about it. How can you remain happily married to someone who feels morally superior to you, or vice versa, and who is probably treating you accordingly? As a posting on the Gottman Institute’s website proclaimed, “Contempt is the most poisonous of all relationship killers. We cannot emphasize that enough. Contempt destroys psychological, emotional, and physical health.”14

蔑视是七大情绪中唯一一种会引起所谓单侧面部表情的情绪。当我们感到蔑视时，我们往往会通过抬起脸颊一侧来非常微妙地唤起这种感觉。我们的下巴也会向上倾斜，看起来就像在“瞧不起”别人。同时，我们的身体往往会变得臃肿，姿势更加挺拔和霸道。

Contempt is the only one of the Big Seven emotions that gives rise to a so-called unilateral facial expression. When we feel contempt, we tend to evoke it very subtly by raising the cheek on one side of our face. Our chin also tilts upward, and we appear to be “looking down our nose” at another person. Meanwhile, our bodies tend to become puffed up, our postures more erect and domineering.

蔑视是如此消极，以至于我无法想象在日常生活中黑客会想要唤起这种情绪。这样做几乎不可能让遇到你的人过得更好。如果有人对你表现出蔑视，请小心：就像愤怒一样，蔑视往往是暴力的入口，正如我们经常在仇外心理、种族主义、反犹太主义和其他形式的部落仇恨。

Contempt is so negative that I can’t think of a scenario in everyday life when a hacker of humans would want to evoke it. It would be virtually impossible to do so and still leave people better off for having met you. And if someone flashes contempt at you, beware: like anger, contempt is often a gateway to violence, as we often see in relation to xenophobia, racism, anti-Semitism, and other forms of tribal hatred.

情绪＃6：悲伤

Emotion #6: Sadness

与愤怒和恐惧等情绪相比，悲伤的面部肌肉会变得紧绷，而悲伤的面部肌肉则会变得松弛或柔和。我们通过眼睑下垂和嘴角下垂来引起悲伤的轻微形式（以及相关的焦虑或担忧）。同时，我们会将眉毛的内角向内向上拉。至于我们身体的其他部位，悲伤往往会使我们的体格变弱，使我们变得更小。我们会低下头，垂下肩膀，双臂交叉，甚至似乎拥抱自己，使我们的整体姿势变得更柔和、更安静。

Compared with emotions like anger and fear, which involve a tightening of facial muscles, sadness entails a slackening or softening. We evoke mild forms of it (and relatedly, of anxiety or worry) by causing our eyelids to droop and the corners of our mouths to turn down. Meanwhile, we pull the inner corners of our eyebrows in and up. As for the rest of our bodies, sadness tends to diminish us physically, make us smaller. We lower our heads, droop our shoulders, fold our arms together, or even seem to hug ourselves, rendering our overall postures softer and quieter.

正如我们所见，我们可以在人类黑客攻击过程中利用悲伤来为自己谋利，但至关重要的是，我们必须限制自己唤起轻微的悲伤或担忧，以引起他人的同情。皱眉、流泪或可听见的哭泣引起的极度悲伤会给别人带来不适，使我们更难让他们因为遇见我们而过得更好。如果你感觉到别人的悲伤，试着自己也表现出来。降低你的声音，垂下肩膀，说话慢一点，因为所有这些都有助于表达关心和关注。从人道主义和人类黑客的角度来看，在试图确定原因以及你是否能提供帮助时，你也不会出错。至少，你会和某人建立一点融洽的关系，并向他们表明你关心他们。你可能会让自己处于一个对那个人的生活产生更好影响的位置，然后你可能会利用它（如果你处于黑客模式）来获得你想要的东西。

As we’ve seen, we can deploy sadness to our advantage during human hacking exploits, but it’s vital that we restrict ourselves to evoking mild sadness or worry for the sake of triggering empathy in others. Extreme sadness evoked through frowning, tearing of the eyes, or audible sobbing will cause discomfort in others and make it harder for us to leave them better off for having met us. If you perceive sadness in someone else, try to mirror it yourself. Lower your voice, slump your shoulders, speak more slowly, as all of this helps show care and concern. You also can’t go wrong, both from a humanitarian and a human hacking standpoint, in trying to determine the cause and whether you can help. At the very least, you’ll build a bit of rapport with someone and show them that you care. You might put yourself in a position to impact that person’s life for the better, which you might then parlay (if you’re in hacker mode) into something you want.

情绪＃7：幸福

Emotion #7: Happiness

我们以最积极的情绪——幸福——结束了对七大情绪的快速调查。我们当然会通过微笑来表达幸福，嘴角会向上移向太阳穴。当我们的脸颊上扬时，我们的眼睛会引发鱼尾纹。此外，我们倾向于膨胀或伸展身体，站得更高，下巴抬高，挺起胸膛，提高声音的节奏、速度、音量和音调。当我们快乐时，我们身体的所有方面似乎都在向上摆动。世界真棒！我们真棒！

We end our quick survey of the Big Seven with the most positive emotion of them all, happiness. We express happiness by smiling, of course, moving the corners of our lips up toward our temples. While our cheeks are rising, our eyes trigger what appears to be crow’s-feet. Further, we tend to inflate or expand our bodies, standing taller, moving our chins higher, puffing out our chests, and increasing the rhythm, speed, volume, and pitch of our voices. Everything about our physical presence appears to be on an upward swing when we’re happy. The world is fantastic! We’re fantastic!

在许多情况下，当你试图实现目标，同时又想让别人因为遇见你而过得更好时，唤起快乐会对你大有裨益。然而，如果你遇到一个悲伤的人，而你却显得快活而乐观，你可能会给人留下麻木不仁的印象。一个刚刚失去挚爱父母并悲痛欲绝的人很可能不会因为一句“往好的方面想”的愉快劝告和一句善意的断言而感到安慰，比如“我知道你的感受”。你真的知道那个人的感受吗？那个人此刻是否准备好从情感上看到光明的一面？

In many situations when you’re trying to realize an objective while leaving people better off for having met you, evoking happiness will serve you well. However, if you encounter someone who is sad and you seem jovial and upbeat, you risk coming across as insensitive. A person who has just lost a beloved parent and is grieving likely won’t feel comforted by a cheerful exhortation to “look on the bright side,” accompanied by a well-meaning assertion such as, “I know how you’re feeling.” Do you really know how that person is feeling? Is that person in the moment going to feel prepared emotionally to look on the bright side?

不要表现出快乐，而要问一些问题，让悲伤的人回忆起快乐的时光，比如“你爸爸最喜欢的爱好是什么？”或“你妈妈喜欢什么类型的电影？”有时候，一个人太悲伤了，即使是这种策略也无济于事。在这种情况下，不要试图让对方更快乐。只要和他们坐在一起就行了。如果你们的关系融洽，在他们抽泣或哭泣时，用手臂搂住他们安慰他们。你可以用柔和的声音解释你在做什么，比如说，“我只是坐在这里陪你，因为我现在可能说不出什么能安慰你的话。”

Instead of projecting happiness, ask questions that prompt the grieving person to remember happy memories themselves, such as “What was your dad’s favorite hobby?” or “What kinds of movies did your mom like?” Sometimes a person is so sad that even this tactic won’t help. In that case, forget about trying to nudge the person toward more happiness. Just sit with them. If appropriate given your level of rapport, put your arm around them to comfort them as they sob or cry. In a soft voice, you might explain what you’re doing, saying something like, “I’m just going to sit here with you because there’s probably nothing that I can say that’s going to comfort you right now.”

如果你正在寻求某人的帮助，而那个人的非语言传达了快乐，那么你自己也可以唤起快乐来建立联系。一个感到快乐的人通常会感到自信你会在当下感到不开心，对他人的需求缺乏同理心。如果你在提出请求的过程中唤起轻微的悲伤和同理心，你会给人留下扫兴的印象。和快乐的人交流一会儿，问他们问题，让他们回忆发生在他们身上的所有美好事情。分享他们的快乐，从中获得真正的快乐。过了一会儿，当对方问你过得怎么样时，你可以开始把话题转向你的请求。你是想让他们因为遇见你而过得更好，如果你不能帮助他们维持第一次遇到你时的快乐感觉，他们就不会感觉更好。

If you’re seeking a favor from someone and that person’s nonverbals are communicating happiness, evoke happiness yourself to build a connection. A person who is feeling happy will usually feel confident in the moment and less empathetic to others’ needs. If you evoke mild sadness and empathy in the course of making a request, you’ll come across as a killjoy. Engage with the happy person for a while, asking them questions and getting them to evoke all of the wonderful things that have happened to them. Share their joy, taking genuine pleasure in it. After a while, when the person asks how you’re doing, you can begin to move the conversation toward your request. You’re trying to leave them better off for having met you, and if you can’t help them sustain the happy feelings they had upon first encountering you, they won’t feel better off at all.

与 Big Seven 合作

Working with the Big Seven

要熟练掌握 Big Seven，你必须多加练习。首先要观察人们，特别注意他们如何使用身体，尤其是面部表情来表达自己。首先从前面描述的腹侧开始：

To build facility with the Big Seven, you have to practice. Begin by watching people, paying special attention to how they use their bodies and particularly their faces to express themselves. Start first with the ventrals described earlier:

一旦你理解了这一点，就可以开始面部表情了：

Once you’ve got that down, move on to facial expressions:

然后自己练习发出 Big Seven 信号：

Then practice signaling the Big Seven yourself:

如果您要进行演示或预计需要就某个主题（例如销售宣传或工作面试）进行长篇大论的交流，请尝试以下方法：

If you’re going to give a presentation or anticipate some other encounter where you’ll need to speak at length on a given subject (a sales pitch, for instance, or a job interview), try the following:

随着你对非语言的了解越来越深入，请牢记这些知识的局限性。尽管你可能已经很擅长识别情绪，但你无法真正读懂别人的心思。非语言可以告诉你人们有某种感觉，但无法告诉你他们为什么会有这种感觉。如果你忽视了这一现实，你就会开始在解读中犯下一些相当严重的错误。

As you become more familiar with nonverbals, remain mindful of the limits of this knowledge. As adept as you might become at spotting emotions, you can’t really read another person’s mind. Nonverbals can tell you that people are feeling a certain way, but they can’t tell you why they are. If you lose sight of this reality, you’ll start to make some pretty significant errors in interpretation.

有一次，在我上课的时候，一个叫迈克的学生一直对我做鬼脸。我以为这是生气，并绞尽脑汁想弄明白我到底做了什么事冒犯了他。最后，在课间休息时，我问了迈克这件事。原来他不是生气。相反，他因为扭伤了背而感到疼痛。我或多或少正确地记录了迈克的情绪，因为我知道他因为某事而感到不安。但如果不问他，我就不知道问题出在哪里。我自己的假设完全错了。

On one occasion while I was teaching my class, a student named Mike kept grimacing at me. I interpreted it as anger and was at wit’s end trying to figure out what I was doing to offend him. Finally during a break in the class I asked Mike about it. It turned out he wasn’t angry. Rather, he was in pain because he had tweaked his back. I had registered Mike’s emotions more or less correctly in that I knew he was upset about something. But I had no clue what the problem was without asking him about it. My own assumptions were completely wrong.

如果你生活中的某人正在传达七大疾病之一了解原因后，向他们询问，而不是简单地做出假设，这会对你有所帮助。但要以敏感和尊重的方式提问。如果我当着全班同学的面公开指责迈克，我可能会让他难堪。我们的感情非常私密，而我会将他的感情暴露给外界。找一个私密的地方，以一种好奇和同理心的方式提出你的问题，而不是咄咄逼人或指责的方式。

If someone in your life is communicating one of the Big Seven and it would help you to know why, ask them about it rather than simply making assumptions. But ask in a sensitive and respectful way. If I had called out Mike publicly in front of the class, I might have embarrassed him. Our feelings are very private, and I would have been exposing his to the outside world. Find a private place and pose your questions in a way that is curious and empathetic rather than aggressive or accusatory.

如果我们倾向于妄下结论，那么我们还必须认识到，每个人出于不同的原因和以独特的方式运用非语言表达。我为“七大行为准则”提供的一般规则仅仅是规则而已。也有例外。如果你发现远处有一个男人双臂交叉在身上，快步向你走来，并且一脸坏笑，你可能会认为他生气了或者不开心。但如果他只是觉得冷呢？如果他感觉累了或者身体不舒服呢？如果他的肩膀受伤了，这样走路更舒服呢？如果他的衬衫袖子太短，他又很在意袖子看起来会怎样，所以他交叉双臂来掩饰呢？

If we’re tempted to jump to conclusions, we must also recognize that individuals can deploy nonverbals in idiosyncratic ways and for their own disparate reasons. The general rules I provided for the Big Seven are simply that—rules. Exceptions also exist. If you spot a man at a distance walking quickly toward you with his arms folded across his body and sporting a pronounced resting bitch face expression, you might presume he’s angry or otherwise unhappy. But what if he’s simply cold? What if he’s feeling tired or under the weather? What if he injured his shoulder and it feels more comfortable to walk that way? What if the sleeves on his shirt are too short and he’s self-conscious about how that might look, so he’s folding his arms to hide it?

有一个简单的技巧，可以确保你对面部表情或其他肢体语言的解读更加准确。当你第一次见到某人时，不要对他们的情绪状态做出判断，而只是观察他们的行为，包括他们的面部表情、他们的身体姿势和他们的语调（节奏、速度、音量、音调）。这将成为你的基线观察。当你开始与他们相遇时，注意偏离基线的变化。如果一个男人快步向你走来，如果他发现附近有一个女人，就停下来，把臀部转向她，你可以相当肯定她已经成功激起了他（性或非性）的兴趣和注意力。如果他不停下脚步，那他就不感兴趣。如果他停下脚步，但只是短暂地转向她，那他就有点兴趣。

There’s a simple trick you can use with anyone to ensure that your reading of facial expressions or other body language is more accurate. When you first meet someone, suspend judgment about their emotional state and simply observe their behavior, including their facial expressions, how they carry their body, and their tone of voice (rhythm, speed, volume, pitch). This becomes your baseline observation. As you begin an encounter with them, notice changes that depart from the baseline. In the case of the man walking briskly toward you, if he spots a woman nearby, stops, and turns his hips toward her, you can be fairly sure that she’s succeeded in arousing his (sexual or nonsexual) interest and attention. If he doesn’t stop walking, he’s not interested. If he stops walking but turns to her only briefly, he’s mildly interested.

基线技术不仅适用于陌生人，也适用于其他人我们都知道。假设我下班回家，发现妻子坐在桌边。她交叉双臂，皱着眉头，盯着电脑屏幕。这些非语言行为可能表明她生气或心烦意乱，但另一方面，她可能只是在专心阅读。通过观察她情绪的变化，我就能很快判断我的言语或行为是否引起了她的共鸣。假设我冲进去对她说：“嘿！我今天过得很愉快！一切都很棒！”如果她生气或心烦意乱，我的愉快可能只会惹恼她。我可以看到她皱起眉头的程度加深了。也许她的胳膊会紧握。提醒自己：“我搞砸了。她不开心。”另一方面，如果我更平静地走过去，降低声音，问她今天过得怎么样，我可能会看到她张开双臂，眉毛上流露出悲伤而不是愤怒。提醒自己：“哎哟。今天发生了一些不好的事情。”这可能会促使我问一两个后续问题来找出问题所在。

The baseline technique helps not just with strangers but with people we know well. Let’s say I come home from work to find my wife sitting at the table. She’s staring at her computer screen with her arms crossed and her brows furrowed. These nonverbals might indicate that she’s angry or otherwise upset, but on the other hand, she might simply be engaged with what she’s reading. Noting her baseline, I can quickly determine how my speech or action is resonating with her by observing changes. Let’s say I charge in and say, “Hey! I had a great day today! Everything was awesome!” If she’s angry or upset, my joviality might have only annoyed her. I can expect to see her brows furrow more. Maybe her arms will clench. Note to self: “I just screwed up. She’s not happy.” On the other hand, if I approach more calmly, lower my voice, and ask her about her day, I might see her arms unfold and her brows evoke sadness instead of anger. Note to self: “Uh-oh. Something bad has happened today.” That might prompt me to ask a follow-up question or two to identify the problem.

如果你养成了注意别人底线的习惯，你也许能更好地发现潜在的谎言，因为你现在更仔细地观察别人了。假设你和我面对面，我问你是否喜欢我给你买的那盒精美的巧克力。如果你一边说“是的，它们棒极了。是我吃过的最好的巧克力之一”，一边轻轻摇头，表示“不”，那么你的非语言表达就与言语表达不一致了。你撒谎了吗？这种明显的差异是一个警告信号，但我也不确定。也许你喜欢大多数巧克力，但你无法忍受装满橙子利口酒的巧克力，这就是模棱两可的信号的原因。为了更好地判断你是否在撒谎，我希望跟进更多关于橙子利口酒的对话。如果我听到你说：“是的，我给了我的孩子橙色的，我只是不喜欢那些”，我可能会更好地理解造成这种不一致的原因。如果尽管进行了足够的询问，我仍然无法解释这种不一致，那么你很可能在撒谎。

If you get in the habit of noticing people’s baselines, you might also be in a better position to spot potential falsehoods, simply because you’re now observing people more closely. Let’s say you and I are facing one another, and I ask if you liked the fancy box of chocolates I bought for you. If you shake your head slightly no as you say, “Yeah, they were fantastic. Some of the best I’ve ever had,” your nonverbals are at odds with your speech. Did you lie? The apparent discrepancy is a warning sign, but I don’t know for sure. Maybe you liked most of the chocolates, but you couldn’t stand the one filled with orange liqueur, and that accounts for the ambiguous signals. To get a better sense if you are lying, I’d want to follow up with more conversation about the orange liqueur. If I hear you say, “Yeah, I gave my kids the orange ones, I’m just not into those,” I might have a better sense of what might have accounted for the incongruency. If despite sufficient questioning I still can’t explain the incongruency, it may well be that you’re lying.

练习观察他人，培养这种技能，但不要过度解读他们的肢体语言似乎在表达什么。你问的后续问题非常重要。如果你不问这些问题，你经常会误解，从而影响他人的能力。

Practice observing others, develop that skill, but don’t overinterpret what their body language seems to be saying. So much rides on the follow-up questions you ask. If you fail to ask them, you’ll quite often interpret incorrectly, compromising your ability to influence others.

更敏感的你

A More Sensitive You

从概念上讲，非语言表达很简单，但与本书中的其他技巧相比，你可能会发现它们的实际应用相当具有挑战性。我们大多数人至少对如何影响他人有一定的了解，但就我的经验而言，很少有人能适应非语言表达。作为孩子，我们在家里或正规学校里没有接受过多少非语言表达方面的训练。随着我们步入成年，智能手机和其他设备的普及导致我们中的许多人花费更多时间盯着屏幕，而花在观察他人和了解他们情绪上的时间却少了很多。此外，我们中的许多人被日常生活的需求压得喘不过气来，以至于我们与自己的身体和情绪脱节，我们很少考虑两者之间的联系。

Nonverbals are straightforward conceptually, but you might find their practical application quite challenging relative to other techniques in this book. Most of us have at least some sense of how to influence people, yet few of us in my experience are tuned into nonverbals. As children, we don’t receive much training on nonverbals at home or during our formal schooling. As we enter adulthood, the proliferation of smartphones and other devices leads many of us to spend a lot more time staring at screens and a lot less time observing others and cuing into their emotions. Further, many of us are so overwhelmed by the demands of daily life that we’re out of tune with our own bodies and emotions, and we don’t think much about the connection between the two.

如果你觉得使用非语言沟通很陌生，那就坚持下去。任何人都可以学会这些技能——只需要练习和渴望进步。

If working with nonverbals feels strange to you, try to stick with it anyway. Anybody can learn this stuff—it just takes practice and a desire to improve.

为了强调这一点，让我给你讲一个我最喜欢的故事。几年前，当我的女儿阿玛雅八岁时，她有机会亲自见到了艾克曼博士。她对他的工作很感兴趣，读了他的书《情绪揭示》，并非正式地练习了她的技能。当时，我并不知道这些技能会持续下去——毕竟，她只有八岁。天哪，我真是大吃一惊。

To underscore this point, let me leave you with one of my favorite stories. Years ago, when my daughter Amaya was eight years old, she had a chance to meet Dr. Ekman in person. Intrigued by his work, she read his book Emotions Revealed and informally practiced her skills. At the time, I had no idea that these skills were sticking—after all, she was only eight. Boy, did I have a surprise in store for me.

有一天，我们一起开车，时速大约四十英里，阿玛雅拍拍我的肩膀。“爸爸，”她说，“你看到我们刚刚在路边经过的那个女人了吗？她看起来很伤心。”我没有注意到那个女人，所以我的第一个念头是继续继续前行。“爸爸，”阿玛亚说，“你总是告诉我，如果看到有人有麻烦，我们必须帮助他们。你必须回去看看发生了什么事。”

We were driving together one day, traveling about forty miles per hour, when Amaya tapped me on the shoulder. “Dad,” she said, “did you see that woman we just passed on the side of the road? She looked sad.” I hadn’t noticed the woman, so my first inclination was to keep going. “Dad,” Amaya said, “you always tell me we have to help people if we see them in trouble. You’ve got to go back and see what’s going on.”

我怎么能拒绝她呢？我转身，沿着来时的路走回去。果然，我看到一个看上去 60 多岁的女人坐在长椅上。我之前并没有真正注意到她，因为我的注意力一直集中在路的其他地方。从她穿着的干净 T 恤、毛衣和牛仔裤来看，她看起来不像是无家可归的人，但她的脸上带着所有典型的严重悲伤的迹象，包括红肿的眼睛。没有血迹或其他任何表明她身体不适的东西。“我需要去和她谈谈，”阿玛亚说。我试图劝阻她，担心这个女人情绪不稳定或构成某种危险，但阿玛亚再次坚持要去。

How could I say no to her? I turned around and headed back the way we came. Sure enough, I spotted a woman who appeared to be in her early sixties sitting on a bench. I hadn’t really noticed her before, focused as I’d been on other parts of the road. Judging from the clean T-shirt, sweater, and jeans she was wearing, she didn’t appear to be homeless, but her face bore all the classic signs of serious sadness, including red and puffy eyes. There was no blood or anything else to indicate that she was in physical distress. “I need to go talk to her,” Amaya said. I tried to dissuade her, fearing that this woman was unstable or posed some kind of danger, but again, Amaya insisted.

我把车停在路边，正要下车时，阿玛雅说：“爸爸，我要一个人过去。让我过去，好吗？拜托你了？”她朝那个女人走去时，我退后了一步，警惕地观察着，随时准备在遇到麻烦时跳下去。阿玛雅朝那个女人走去，解释说我们开车经过时注意到她看起来很伤心。“一切都还好吗？”她问道。

I pulled over and was getting out when Amaya said, “Dad, I’m going over alone. Let me do it, okay? Please?” I stood back as she approached the woman, watching vigilantly and readying myself to jump in at any sign of trouble. Amaya approached the woman and explained that we had driven by and noticed that she seemed sad. “Is everything okay?” she asked.

女人抬头看着她，突然哭了起来。当她稍微平静下来后，她讲述了丈夫如何抛弃她并把她赶出家门。她自己没有钱，正面临破产。她试图在一家辅助生活机构获得住房，但进展不顺利。她坐在路边，因为她不知道还能做什么——她的生活似乎完全没有希望了。

The woman looked up at her and burst out crying. When she had calmed down a bit, she recounted how her husband had left her and kicked her out of the house. She had no money of her own and was going through bankruptcy. She was trying to obtain housing at an assisted living facility, but that wasn’t going well. She was sitting there on the side of the road because she just didn’t know what else to do—her life seemed totally hopeless.

我们问她能不能帮点什么，她说没办法了——她需要自己解决问题。她确实有一个要求：她能给阿玛雅一个拥抱吗？我点头表示可以，然后两人拥抱在一起。“谢谢你，”她对阿玛雅说。“谢谢你注意到我，谢谢你这么好。你让我这一天过得更开心了，这是一件大事。”

We asked if there was anything we could do, but she said there wasn’t—she needed to work through her problems on her own. She did have one request: Could she give Amaya a hug? I nodded that it was okay, and the two embraced. “Thank you,” she said to Amaya. “Thanks for noticing me and for being so kind. You made my day just a little bit happier, and that’s a pretty big deal.”

如果一个八岁的孩子能够掌握足够的非语言能力，在我们以每小时四十英里的速度驶过时注意到路边的一位女士，那么你也可以取得进步。正如 Amaya 的故事所表明的那样，掌握非语言能力可以帮助我们任何人不仅更善于影响他人，而且更敏感、更富有同情心。Amaya 走近这位女士，不求回报。她走开时感觉很棒。通过花时间注意别人的感受，然后根据她注意到的采取行动，她让那个人的一天变得更加美好。

If an eight-year-old can master nonverbals enough to notice a woman by the side of the road as we drove past at forty miles per hour, you can make progress, too. As Amaya’s story also suggests, mastering nonverbals can help any of us become not just more adept at influencing others, but more sensitive and compassionate. Amaya approached this woman without wanting anything from her. She walked away feeling great. By taking time out to notice another person’s feelings and by then acting on what she’d noticed, she’d made that person’s day just a bit brighter.

非语言能力固然重要，但如果我们想要与他人建立联系并按照自己的意愿影响他们，我们还需要其他技能。您知道影响他人并让他们因与您相遇而受益的基本原则，但您是否注意过您的言语和行为的细节？这样做会让相遇变得真实而引人注目，而不是让人觉得做作、尴尬或自私。如果细节弄砸了，您可能会希望自己完全跳过社交活动。如果处理好这些细节，您就能获得您想要的东西，同时也让其他人受益匪浅。让我们来看看。

As important as nonverbals are, we need still other skills if we are to stand the best chance of connecting with others and influencing them as we desire. You know the basic principles for influencing others and leaving them better off for having met you, but do you attend to the details in your speech and behavior? Doing so makes the difference between an encounter that feels real and compelling to others, and one that feels contrived, awkward, or self-serving. Mess the details up, and you might wish you had skipped the social encounter altogether. Get them right, and you’re well on your way to obtaining what you desire while also leaving others in better shape too. Let’s take a look.

五大真实性“失败”

Five Big Authenticity “Fails”

根据我的经验，大多数试图影响他人的失败尝试都是由五个关键的“失败”造成的。犯下任何这些错误都会促使你感兴趣的人对你隐藏的动机和技巧产生警惕。他们可能不完全理解你的目标是什么，但他们会感觉到这些动机的存在，并且正在影响你的行为。仅凭这一点就会促使他们提高警惕，干扰你引导对话的努力。人们在日常谈话中总是会犯这些错误，破坏他们原本可能对别人产生的魔力。

In my experience, five key “fails” account for the vast majority of ill-fated attempts to influence other parties. Committing any of these errors will prompt your person of interest to become alert to your hidden motivations and techniques. They might not understand exactly what your goal is, but they’ll sense that such motives exist and are shaping your behavior. That alone will prompt them to raise their guard, interfering with your efforts to steer the conversation advantageously. People make these mistakes all the time in everyday discourse, breaking the spell they otherwise might have had on others.

了解你的目标，但不要执着

Know Your Targets, but Don’t Obsess

回顾这五种“失败”，我们发现，不成功的黑客之所以会犯下这些错误，是因为与目标的关系不协调。这些潜在的黑客要么花太少时间试图了解他们试图影响的人，要么花太多时间。他们忽视目标，将目标的观点、情感和需求视为理所当然，或者过于执着于目标会如何看待他们。这两种不平衡都会导致黑客提供错误的细节，变得过于拖沓或直接，提供太多细节，甚至为了“确定”借口和控制目标的看法而撒谎。不只是新手黑客无法以平衡的方式思考目标。新手可能会低估成功所需的理解水平，然后为了控制局面而采取误导和误导性的努力。但经验丰富的专业人士也可能将他们之前取得的任何成功视为理所当然，错误地认为他们当前的目标将与之前的目标相似，并且之前奏效的方法将再次奏效。如果这些专业人士是认真的 C 型人格，他们可能更倾向于过度计划并努力实现“完美”的互动。

Stepping back from these five “fails,” we find that unsuccessful hackers commit them because of a poorly calibrated relationship with their targets. These would-be hackers either spend too little time trying to understand the people they’re trying to influence, or too much. They ignore their targets and take their perspectives, emotions, and needs for granted, or they become overly obsessed with how their targets might perceive them. Either of these imbalances lead hackers to deliver the wrong details, become too plodding or direct, present too many details, or even tell outright lies in an attempt to “nail down” the pretext and control their targets’ perception. It isn’t just novice hackers who fail to think about their targets in a balanced way. Novices might underestimate the level of understanding they’ll need to be successful and then go overboard in a misguided and misinformed effort to control the situation. But seasoned pros might also take any previous success they’ve had for granted, wrongly assuming their current targets will resemble previous ones, and that what worked before will work again. If these pros are conscientious C-types, they might be further inclined to overplan and strive for a “perfect” interaction.

虽然我不是“C”，但有时我也会过度自信。几年前，我们曾对一家拥有大量政府和军方合同的制造公司进行网络钓鱼。当时，外国政府开始使用 LinkedIn 招募间谍并获取机密信息。我们假扮成一位年轻貌美的女士，向该公司所有 7,500 名员工发送了一封电子邮件，邀请他们加入一个特殊的 LinkedIn 群组。我们希望尽可能多的员工点击该链接；这样做可以让我们入侵他们的计算机。

Although I’m not a “C,” I’ve been guilty of overconfidence at times. Several years ago, we phished a manufacturing company with large government and military contracts. At the time, foreign governments were beginning to use LinkedIn to recruit spies and obtain privileged information. Posing as an attractive young woman, we sent an email to all 7,500 employees at this company inviting them to join a special LinkedIn group. We wanted as many employees as possible to click on the link; doing so would allow us to compromise their computers.

当我们刚开始在公司进行网络钓鱼时，大约 50% 到 60% 的目标会落入特定漏洞的陷阱。在与该公司合作大约 18 个月后，员工识别网络钓鱼电子邮件的能力越来越强——我们的命中率下降到大约 25% 到 40%。然而，这个 LinkedIn 漏洞却取得了巨大的成功：79% 的员工点击加入了该群组。

When we first started phishing at the company, about 50 to 60 percent of targets fell for a given exploit. After about eighteen months of working with this company, employees were getting better at recognizing phishing emails—our hit rate was down to about 25 to 40 percent. And yet, this LinkedIn exploit was a rocking success: 79 percent of employees clicked to join the group.

对于我这个行业的人来说，这种成功令人激动。这让我兴奋不已。几个月后，第二家公司——一家拥有 10,000 名员工的大型零售商——雇佣我们进行网络钓鱼。“我们真的我们需要你们用你们的第一个网络钓鱼将它打得落花流水，”我们的新客户说道。

For someone in my business, that kind of success is thrilling. And it went to my head. A few months later, a second company—a big retailer with 10,000 employees—hired us to phish them. “We really need you guys to blow it out of the water with your first phish,” our new client said.

“没问题，”我说，“我们有这个东西。”

“No problem,” I said, “we’ve got just the thing.”

我们使用了在制造公司中效果非常好的相同漏洞。在发送漏洞的那天，我热切地等待着结果。令我震惊的是，在最初的 24 小时内，只有不到 1% 的员工被我们的漏洞所感染。到第二天结束时，只有 2% 的员工被感染。到第三天结束时，仍然是 2%。到周末，只有大约 7% 的员工点击了漏洞，远不及另一家公司的 79%。这到底是怎么回事？

We used the same exploit that had worked so well for us at the manufacturing company. On the day we sent it out, I eagerly awaited the results. To my shock, barely 1 percent of employees fell for our exploit within the first twenty-four hours. By the end of day two, only 2 percent had. By the end of day three, still 2 percent. By the end of the week, only about 7 percent of employees had clicked—nowhere near the 79 percent at the other company. What was going on here?

我怀疑公司的垃圾邮件过滤器可能已经筛选出我们的电子邮件，但我们检查后发现并非如此。我们还检查了可能导致许多员工无法收到电子邮件的技术问题。结果一无所获。

I suspected the company’s spam filters might have picked out our email, but we checked and that wasn’t it. We also checked for technical problems that might have prevented many employees from getting the email. Nothing.

心灰意冷的我终止了网络钓鱼，并要求我们的客户让公司内部的经理联系收到电子邮件的员工，询问他们为什么没有点击它。结果发现，这家公司的员工对 LinkedIn 不感兴趣。在这家制造公司，员工主要由四五十岁的男性组成。这些员工喜欢 LinkedIn 并一直在使用它。由于男性整天坐在隔间里，他们中的许多人也对漂亮女性的消息情有独钟。在这家零售店，大多数员工都是二十几岁和三十几岁，女性的比例要高得多。这一代员工将 LinkedIn 视为“老年人”的网站，更喜欢 Snapchat 或 Instagram 这样的网络。当他们遇到一封提供 LinkedIn 邀请的电子邮件时，他们并没有太在意。这些员工中的女性也不太可能仅仅因为邀请来自漂亮女性就点击它。

Disheartened, I ended the phish and asked our client to have managers inside the company connect with employees who had received the email and inquire why they hadn’t clicked on it. As it turned out, employees at this company weren’t interested in LinkedIn. At the manufacturing company, the workforce had been composed largely of men in their forties and fifties. These employees loved LinkedIn and used it all the time. As males sitting around in their cubicles all day, many of them also had a weakness for a message from an attractive woman. At this retailer, most employees were in their twenties and thirties, and a much higher percentage were women. This generation of employees saw LinkedIn as a site for “old people,” preferring instead networks like Snapchat or Instagram. When they encountered an email offering a LinkedIn invitation, they didn’t pay it much attention. The females among these employees were also less inclined to click on an invitation just because it came from an attractive woman.

我们失败了，因为我凭借着我的智慧和经验（此处插入讽刺的笑声），把我的观众视为理所当然。通过思考在谈论我们之前的电子邮件有多棒的同时，我忽略了研究我们现在的目标。我对这些目标（在企业环境中工作的大公司员工）的基本了解足以让我知道，我之前用过的借口（友好邀请采取与社交媒体相关的行动）很可能有效。但这还不足以让我正确掌握借口的细节。为此，我会更仔细地观察这些目标，并更清楚地（尽管仍然相当肤浅）了解他们的基本性格特征、喜好、需求等。我会相应地调整我们借口的执行方式，发送与 Facebook 活动相关的电子邮件并要求目标点击。三个月后，我们得到了第二次机会，并发送了这样一封电子邮件。这一次，我们的点击率很高。

We had failed because I, in my great wisdom and experience (insert sarcastic laugh here), had taken my audience for granted. By thinking about how great our previous email was, I had neglected to study our present targets. The basic knowledge I had about these targets—employees at a large company working in a corporate environment—was enough for me to know that the same pretext I had used earlier—a friendly invitation to take an action related to social media—would likely work. But it wasn’t enough for me to get the details of the pretext right. For that, I would look more closely at these targets and develop a clearer (albeit still fairly superficial) sense of their basic character traits, preferences, needs, and so on. I would have adjusted our execution of the pretext accordingly, sending out an email related to activity on Facebook and asking targets to click. Three months later, we got a second chance and sent out precisely such an email. This time, our click ratio was huge.

尽量不要把你感兴趣的人视为理所当然。保持健康的注意力，仔细倾听他们所说的话，尽力理解他们。但不要过度控制局面。保持冷静，检查你可能有的任何内在控制狂冲动，并尽量诚实。说谎时很难表现出真实。你越偏离事实，你就需要做越多的心理工作。在一次邂逅或一段关系中，你必须记住你所有的谎言，这样你就不会自相矛盾。即使你设法做到这一点，你的表现也可能显得尴尬或生硬。有些事情似乎不对劲。

Try not to take your people of interest for granted. Maintain a healthy focus on them, listening carefully to what they’re saying and trying your best to understand them. But don’t go overboard in your attempts to control the situation. Stay calm, check whatever inner control-freak impulses you might have, and try to be as truthful as possible. It’s very difficult to appear authentic while telling lies. The more your deviate from the truth, the more mental work you have to do. You must now remember all of your falsehoods as an encounter or a relationship proceeds so that you don’t contradict yourself. Even if you manage to pull that off, you’ll likely come across as awkward or stilted in your presentation. Something won’t seem right.

在练习建立融洽关系时，我的一个学生试图与陌生人建立共同点，方法是问他们来自哪里，然后总是声称自己来自同一个家乡。最初对明显共同点的认识让目标对象兴奋不已，但这种兴奋很快就消失了，因为他们意识到这个学生对他们的家乡一无所知，而且很可能在撒谎。不要让这样的人成为你。我认识的最好的非专业黑客他们不仅了解他们试图影响的人，而且关心和尊重他们，不会对他们撒谎。他们得到了更多他们想要的东西，而且由于他们让人们过得更好，他们在黑客遭遇后感觉很好。

When practicing rapport building, one student of mine tried to build common ground with strangers by asking them where they were from and then always claiming to be from these same hometowns. The initial recognition of apparent common ground created a burst of excitement in the targets, but that quickly faded as they realized that this student knew nothing about their hometown and was quite likely lying. Don’t let that be you. The best nonprofessional hackers I know of not only understand the people they’re trying to influence but also care about and respect them enough not to lie to them. They get more of what they want, and since they leave people better off, they come away from their hacking encounters feeling great.

如果你礼貌地询问，你会得到更多

You Get More if You Ask Nicely

以真诚为目的来完善你的互动，就是要培养更精致的社交礼仪。如果你注重细节，你的谈话就会变得更顺畅、更自然、更有说服力，坦率地说，就是更容易。随着时间的推移，你生活中的重要关系会呈现出不同的基调，变得不那么令人沮丧，更有爱，更充实。

Polishing your interactions with an eye toward authenticity is about developing a more refined command of the social graces. If you mind the details, your conversations become smoother, more natural, more compelling, and frankly, just easier. Over time, the important relationships in your life take on a different tenor, becoming less frustrating, more loving, and more fulfilling.

假设你的另一半在忙碌了一天后回家。他们又累又紧张，浑身酸痛。他们一屁股坐在沙发上，长叹一口气，打开电视。你带着一个需要解决的问题或麻烦去找他们，这个问题或麻烦与他们有关。“听着，”你说，“你又把所有衣服都扔在浴室里了，你用完了所有的卫生纸却没有在分配器上放新卷纸。你怎么了？我和你一样整天努力工作，我能记住这些事情。考虑一下。”你的抱怨可能是世界上最合理的，但是因为你如此激进地提出它，并且没有考虑到你另一半此时此刻的想法，他们不会很好地接受你的抱怨。如果你坚持下去，他们可能会大发雷霆。什么也解决不了。你们的关系只会比以前更困难。随着时间的推移，一系列这样的互动会使你们的关系变得贫乏，让你们陷入无益的行为模式。

Let’s say your significant other comes home after a long day. They’re tired and stressed and their body just hurts. They plop down on the couch, heave a big sigh, and flip on the TV. You approach them with a problem or issue you need to solve, one that involves them. “Listen,” you say, “you left all of your clothes around the bathroom again, and you used up all of the toilet paper and didn’t put a new roll on the dispenser. What’s wrong with you? I work hard all day long like you do, and I can remember these kinds of things. Have a little consideration.” Yours could be the most legitimate gripe in the world, but because you raised it so aggressively and with no thought of your significant other’s mind frame at this particular moment, they’re not going to receive it well. If you persist, they might blow their top. Nothing will get resolved. Your relationship will only be more difficult than it was. Over time, a series of such interactions will impoverish your relationship, locking you into unhelpful patterns of behavior.

相比之下，想象一下，你等了十五分钟左右，直到你的另一半有时间放松。当你走近他们时，想象你深情地触摸他们，递给他们一杯他们最喜欢的冰茶。“哇，”你说，“看起来你今天过得很艰难。你进来时甚至都没有打招呼。一切都还好吗？”当你的另一半描述他们一天过得有多艰难时，你说。“这听起来很难。听着，当你放松完后能告诉我吗？我有几件事需要和你谈谈。”也许你的另一半提出现在讨论这个问题。“不，不，”你带着安慰的微笑说，“花几分钟。”当你真的进行谈话时，你可能不会得到你想要的——你的另一半会更加尊重你，以他们更加努力保持浴室整洁的形式。但你更有可能实现这一结果。

Imagine, by contrast, that you waited fifteen minutes or so until your significant other had time to relax. When you did approach them, imagine that you touched them affectionately and handed them their favorite glass of iced tea. “Wow,” you say, “it looks like you had a rough day. You didn’t even say hi when you came in. Is everything okay?” When your significant other describes how rough their day is, you say. “That sounds hard. Listen, when you’re done chilling, can you let me know? I’ve got a couple of things I need to speak with you about.” Maybe your significant other offers to discuss it now. “No, no,” you say with a reassuring smile, “take a few minutes.” When you do have the conversation, you might not get what you want—more respect on the part of your significant other, in the form of better efforts on their part to keep the bathroom tidy. But you’re far more likely to achieve that outcome.

当然，此时你真正想做的是告诉你的另一半你有多生气。但这并不能让你更接近你的目标，也就是让你的另一半把浴室打扫得更好。所以你找借口说你是“关心体贴的配偶和伴侣”。此外，你还很在意细节。那杯冰茶只是你的一个小举动，但它证实了你的另一半，告诉他们，“我知道你喜欢什么，关心你你不会说：“嘿，看，我给你你最喜欢的饮料。”你只需要送出那份小礼物。你不会说：“看，我轻轻地拍拍你的肩膀，因为我在乎你”，或者“看，我在给你时间放松，然后再狠狠地批评你”——你只需要做这些事情。在这种情况下，你不要为了建立融洽关系而做得太过分，比如打开一瓶两百美元的葡萄酒而不是递上冰茶，或者撒谎说：“我一整天都在想我有多爱你。”这些以及类似的行为都是荒谬的。重新调整自己，远离自己的需求和欲望，考虑一下你另一半的心态，你就可以以一种简单、善良和明智的方式执行你的借口。即使你这次没有成功，你也没有破坏你们的关系。很有可能，你已经做了一点点来改善它的质量，即使你已经表达了你的愿望。

Of course, what you really want to do at this moment is tell your significant other how ticked off you are. But that’s not going to get you closer to your goal, which is to have your significant other keep the bathroom in better shape. So you adopt the pretext of “caring and attentive spouse and partner.” Further, you mind the details. That glass of iced tea is a small gesture on your part, but it validates your significant other, saying to them, “I know what you like and care about you enough to give it to you.” You don’t say, “Hey, look, I’m giving you your favorite drink.” You just give that small gift. You don’t say, “Look, I’m giving you an affectionate little rub on your shoulder because I care about you,” or, “Look, I’m giving you time to relax before I rip into you”—you just do those things. You don’t go overboard trying to build rapport in this situation, popping open a two-hundred-dollar bottle of wine instead of handing over the iced tea, or lying and saying, “I’ve been thinking all day how much I love you.” Those and similar actions would be ridiculous. Reorienting yourself away from your needs and desires and thinking about your significant other’s frame of mind, you execute your pretext in a simple, kind, and informed way. Even if you aren’t successful this time, you haven’t damaged your relationship. Chances are, you’ve done just a little bit to improve its quality even as you’ve made your wishes known.

这个例子有些微不足道，但当真正重要的时候，应用人为黑客技术并处理好细节可以产生巨大的影响。我的一个学生康拉德选修了我的课程，以帮助他从事顾问工作，并花了几个月的时间练习本书中的技术。有一天，他拿起电话得知他的父亲被诊断出患有无法治愈的晚期肺癌，并且已经扩散到全身。他的生命只剩几个月了。他的父亲痛苦不堪，而他去诊断的当地医院似乎不知道如何最好地治疗他。康拉德想带他去另一个城市的一家更好的医院。他安排接他的父亲，然后开车几个小时把他送到新医院。与此同时，他父亲的医生会打几个电话并转介他的病例，以便新医院做好准备。

This example is somewhat trivial, but applying human hacking techniques and getting the details right can make a huge difference when it really counts. One student of mine, Conrad, took my course to help him in his job as a consultant and spent several months practicing the techniques in this book. One day, he picked up the phone to learn that his father had been diagnosed with untreatable, late-stage lung cancer that had spread throughout his body. He had only months to live. His father was in great pain, and the local hospital where he had gone for diagnosis didn’t seem to know how best to treat him. Conrad wanted to take him to a much better hospital in a different city. He arranged to pick his father up and drive him a few hours to the new hospital. Meanwhile, his father’s doctors would make some calls and refer his case so that the new hospital would be ready for him.

抵达医院后，康拉德发现他父亲的医生没有按承诺打电话，医院没有空余的住院病房，一长串病人正在排队等待病房。工作人员告诉康拉德，他们无法帮助他的父亲，但如果他希望他能直接去治疗肺癌患者的肺科，直接和那里的一位医生交谈，看看她是否能提供帮助。康拉德就是这么做的。尽管他对父亲的处境深感不安，但他回想起了人类黑客技术，以及他如何能够应用它们。他特别考虑了如何能够构建一个具有正确细节的意义框架，以帮助他发挥影响力。

Upon their arrival, Conrad discovered that his father’s doctors hadn’t made the promised calls, the hospital had no available inpatient rooms, and a long line of patients were waiting for rooms. Staff told Conrad that there was no way they could help his father, but if he wanted he could go directly to the pulmonology division that treated lung cancer patients and talk directly to one of the doctors there to see if she could help. Conrad did exactly that. Although he was deeply distraught about his father’s situation, he thought back to human hacking techniques and how he might be able to apply them. And he thought specifically about how he might be able to construct a frame of meaning with the right details to help him exert influence.

“我并不认识这位医生，”康拉德回忆道，“但我意识到医生总体上是一个‘部落’的一部分。作为一个群体，他们很严肃。他们重视智慧。他们重视知识。他们非常关心自己作为专业人士的使命。因此，为了最大限度地发挥我的工作效率，我决定不把自己表现为一名医生——因为我不是医生——而是作为一个重视这些事情的人。”这意味着他必须穿着得体，使用与受过良好教育的人相称的语言。他必须迅速切入主题，注意医生通常工作过度、压力大、匆忙。更微妙的是，他必须表现得和蔼可亲、彬彬有礼、专注。他必须坚持事实，对他父亲的处境以及他——康拉德——想要的东西保持逻辑性和具体性。他还必须真实。正如康拉德所说，“我不是假装唤起这些特征，而是展现出我的这些部分。”只要康拉德这样做，倾听并同情医生的意见，不要太过强求，并避免五次真实性失败，他就会没事的。

“I didn’t know this particular doctor,” Conrad remembered, “but I reflected that doctors in general are part of a ‘tribe.’ As a group, they have a seriousness about them. They value intelligence. They value knowledge. They care deeply about their mission as professionals. Therefore, to maximize my effectiveness, I decided to present myself not as a doctor—because I’m not one—but as someone who values these same things.” This meant he would have to dress nicely and use language befitting a well-educated person. He’d have to get to the point quickly, mindful that doctors are often overworked, stressed, and in a hurry. More subtly, he’d have to appear pleasant, respectful, and focused. He’d have to stick to the facts, remaining logical and concrete about his father’s situation and what he, Conrad, wanted. He’d also have to be authentic. As Conrad noted, “I wasn’t pretending in evoking these traits, but rather just bringing out these parts of who I am.” As long as Conrad did that, listening and empathizing with the doctor, not pushing too hard and avoiding the five authenticity fails, he’d do okay.

谈话进行得很顺利。一开始，康拉德礼貌地向医生打招呼，并简要介绍了他父亲的故事以及在医院急需治疗的情况。他给了她一个她能理解的合乎逻辑的时间表。他注意医生的反应，模仿她的言语和肢体语言，以建立融洽的关系。他没有情绪化，而是唤起了自己和父亲的恐惧，坦率而有尊严地说话。当医生确认当医生告诉她没有空余床位时，他点头表示明白，并礼貌地问她：“那么，我们能做些什么来解决这个问题呢？”康拉德意识到他和医生已经建立了共识，做出了相似的手势，使用了共同的词汇，因此现在将父亲的问题视为一个他和医生可以共同解决的共同问题似乎是合理的。康拉德提出了一个建议：“也许，因为我们没有多余的床位，我们可以把他安排在走廊上，他可以待在那里接受治疗，直到有床位空出来。”医生想了想，让康拉德如释重负地同意了。在仅持续约四十分钟的谈话中，康拉德突破了通常的官僚作风，处理了看似难以克服的挑战，即确保他父亲在这家繁忙的医院接受治疗。

The conversation went well. At first, Conrad greeted the doctor politely and gave her a brief synopsis of his father’s story and desperate need for treatment at the hospital. He gave her a logical timeline that she could understand. Paying attention to the doctor’s responses, he mirrored her speech and body language so as to build rapport. Without becoming emotional, he evoked his own fear and that of his father, speaking frankly but in a dignified way. When the doctor confirmed that they had no available beds, he nodded that he understood and politely asked her, “So, what can we do about this situation?” Conrad perceived that he and the doctor had established common ground, were making similar gestures, and using a common vocabulary, so it seemed reasonable at this point to pose his father’s problem as a joint problem that he and the doctor could work out together. Conrad offered a suggestion: “Maybe, since we don’t have any spare beds, we could put him in a hallway, and he could stay there and receive treatment until a bed opens up.” The doctor thought about this, and to Conrad’s great relief, agreed. In a conversation that lasted only about forty minutes, Conrad had cut through the usual bureaucracy and handled the seemingly insurmountable challenge of assuring his father’s treatment at this busy hospital.

康拉德的父亲在这家医院住了几个月，最后还是因病去世。在此期间，康拉德经常与医务人员交谈，他采取了与第一位医生交谈时同样周到而优雅的方式，同时还利用肢体语言（平静的表情、开放的手势、张开的双手、如果对方面对他，臀部朝向对方）。“每次我走近医生或护士时，”康拉德说，“我都会尽最大努力让这个人因为见到我而感到更好。”康拉德不确定，但他相信他对人类黑客技术的认识以及他关注自己病情细节的决心起了作用。他注意到他的父亲比其他病人得到了更好的照顾。他怀疑医务人员对他的行为反应良好，这种行为既细致入微，又尊重他人，而且真诚。在这种高压环境下，病人及其家属通常会表现出沮丧和其他负面情绪，医务人员似乎注意到了康拉德努力按照他们的条件与他们互动。康拉德虽然因父亲的去世而悲痛不已，但他知道父亲已经收到了在他生命的最后几天，我们得到了无微不至的照顾，而他，康拉德，也尽了一切努力来实现这一点。

Conrad’s father stayed at this hospital for several months before succumbing to his illness. During that time, Conrad spoke frequently with the medical staff, taking the same thoughtful and polished approach as he’d taken with this first doctor, and also using body language to his advantage (calm expressions, open gestures, open hands, hips directed at the person if they were facing him). “Every time I approached a doctor or nurse,” Conrad noted, “I made my very best effort to leave this person better off for having met me.” Conrad couldn’t be sure, but he believed his awareness of human hacking techniques and his determination to attend to the details of his presentation made a difference. He noticed that his father was receiving better care than the other patients. He suspected that the medical staff were reacting well to his behavior with them, which was at once finely tuned, respectful, and authentic. In this high-pressure context, where patients and their families commonly show frustration and other negative emotions, the medical staff seemed to notice Conrad’s efforts to interact with them on their terms. As grief-stricken as he was by his father’s passing, Conrad could take comfort in knowing that his father had received excellent care in his final days, and that he, Conrad, had done everything in his power to make it happen.

康拉德的故事表明，当我们掌握了各种社会工程学原理和技术后，我们可以发挥巨大的力量。读到本书的这个阶段，你也已经可以很好地掌握这种力量了。你确实需​​要练习特定的技术，并且多练习。根据你的勤奋和专注程度，这可能需要几个月或几年的时间，但如果你坚持下去，你会看到巨大的变化。当你处理突发事件时，你不仅会对自己和他人的行为有新的认识，而且会感受到这种认识所带来的自信和平静。你不会每次都完美无缺——意外可能会发生——但你会更好地将这些意外转化为自己的优势。你也将能够更好地处理你可以预见和准备的遭遇。为了完善这本书，让我们把我们遇到的技术汇总在一起，并研究一下康拉德是如何准备与肺病学专家的重要谈话的。许多人在面试、高风险销售电话、法律诉讼、重要的“关系”谈话和其他计划好的社交活动之前都会感到紧张。如果你在活动前系统地运用人性黑客原则，你就能集中注意力，尽量减少紧张情绪，并增加成功的可能性。

Conrad’s story suggests the power we can wield when mustering the full array of social engineering principles and techniques. By this point in the book, you’re well on your way to wielding this power, too. You do have to practice the specific techniques—and practice them some more. Depending on your diligence and focus, it could take you a few months, or a few years, but if you stick with it, you’ll see a profound difference. As you handle spontaneous encounters, you’ll have not only a new awareness of what you and others are doing but also the sense of confidence and calm that such awareness provides. You won’t be perfect every time—surprises can and will occur—but you’ll be better at turning those surprises to your advantage. You’ll also be in a better position to handle encounters that you can foresee and for which you can prepare. To round out the book, let’s bring together the techniques we’ve encountered and examine how Conrad might have gone about preparing for his important conversation with the pulmonology specialist. Many people become nervous before job interviews, high-stakes sales calls, legal proceedings, important “relationship” talks, and other planned social encounters. If you apply human hacking principles systematically before an encounter, you can focus yourself, minimize your jitters, and increase the odds of a successful outcome.

制定对话大纲

Crafting a Conversational Outline

如果您即将参加工作面试、与客户或供应商进行谈判、与同事、家人或朋友进行艰难对话、与恋人约会，或者任何您想大放异彩的会面，都不要想着冷淡行事。根据本书中的材料，我开发了一个强大的十步框架，您可以使用它来准备我所说的“对话大纲”——即将进行的对话的书面草稿——几乎适用于任何类型的社交互动。您会发现，这一步准备将使您的会面更加清晰、干净、顺畅和富有成效。它还会增强您的信心，让您即使在对话出现意外方向时也能保持专注。在接下来的部分中，我将描述如何最好地制作对话大纲，并快速介绍这十个步骤。之后，我将讨论如何使用您为特定对话创建的对话大纲，特别是如果您精心制定的计划出现差错（或者更现实地说，当）时该怎么办。

If you have a job interview coming up, a negotiation with a customer or vendor, a difficult conversation with a colleague, family member, or friend, a big date with a romantic partner, or any encounter where you want to shine, don’t even think of going in cold. Drawing together the material in this book, I’ve developed a powerful, ten-step framework you can use to prepare what I call a “conversational outline”—a written sketch of your upcoming conversation—for almost any kind of social interaction. As you’ll find, this bit of preparation will make your encounters far crisper, cleaner, smoother, and more productive. It’ll also increase your confidence, allowing you to stay in the game even when conversations turn in unexpected directions. In the sections that follow, I’ll describe how best to craft a conversational outline, running quickly through the ten steps. Afterward, I’ll discuss how to work with the conversation outlines you create for specific conversations, and in particular what to do if (or more realistically, when) your best-laid plans go awry.

使用你的谈话大纲

Working with Your Conversation Outline

现在您已经了解了对话大纲是什么，请开始为即将到来的会面做准备。规划一次对话可能需要 10 到 15 分钟，做过几次之后时间会更少。为了加强准备，在规划好对话大纲后，请额外花几分钟在脑海中演练这次会面，想象您和您的意中人可能会做什么或说什么。

Now that you understand what a conversation outline is, begin preparing them for your upcoming encounters. It might take you ten to fifteen minutes to map out a conversation, less after you’ve done it a few times. To enhance your preparation, take an extra couple of minutes and play out the encounter in your mind after you’ve outlined it, imagining exactly what you and your person of interest might do or say.

不要把计划推得太远。如果你发现自己花了超过十五到二十分钟的时间在谈话大纲上，或者在见面前几天反复调整和微调大纲，或者在谈话前很早就制定了谈话大纲（几周而不是几天），那么你就做得太过了。你不仅会冒着给人留下过于照本宣科、僵硬和不真实的印象的风险；如果你太依赖你的计划，当你的谈话出现意想不到的转折时，你可能会惊慌失措，不知所措。成功的黑客在计划和计划之间取得平衡一方面注重细节，另一方面留有即兴发挥和实时判断的空间。如果您的 DISC 档案显示您属于 C 型，那么您将需要特别警惕过度计划，因为这是您的天性。

Don’t push your planning too far. If you find yourself spending more than fifteen to twenty minutes on a conversation outline, or if you’re tweaking and fine-tuning the outline repeatedly in the days before an encounter, or if you’re creating a conversation outline far in advance of a conversation (several weeks as opposed to days), then you’re overdoing it. Not only do you risk coming across as too scripted, stiff, and inauthentic; if you’re too reliant on your plan, you might freak out and become paralyzed when your conversations take unanticipated turns. Successful hackers strike a balance between planning and attention to detail on the one hand and allowing room for improvisation and the exercise of real-time judgment on the other. If your DISC profile pegs you as a C-type, you’ll want to stay especially alert to over-planning, since that is your natural inclination.

即使你已经为可能发生的意外做好了计划，某些对话也几乎不可避免地会出问题。如果你来要求老板加薪，却发现她刚得知家人去世，正在哭泣，你会怎么办？如果你坐下来进行一次备受期待、风险很高的销售电话，却发现你的主要竞争对手刚刚宣布将与你的产品相同的产品降价 20%，你会怎么办？如果这些对话按计划开始，但你发现尽管你尽了最大努力，你还是无法让你感兴趣的人给你你想要的东西，你会怎么办？

It’s almost inevitable that some of your conversations will go seriously awry, even if you’ve taken care to plan for likely contingencies. What if you come in to ask your boss for a raise only to find that she is in tears, having just learned of a death in her family? What if you sit down for a much-anticipated, high-stakes sales call only to learn that your chief competitor has just announced a 20 percent reduction in the price of a product that’s identical to yours? What if these conversations kick off as planned, but you find that despite your best efforts you simply can’t nudge your person of interest to give you what you want?

职业黑客总是面临这样的挑战，我们通常能够迅速适应并挽救局面。还记得我们入侵发展中国家一家银行的情形吗？当时银行的警卫骑着摩托车，手持自动武器（第 8 章）保护着银行。我们最初的计划是，我和一位同事亲自前往银行实施入侵。当我们到达该国并查看大楼时，我们惊讶地发现，这些警卫全副武装。没有人告诉我们有这样的警卫，我们在远处进行案头研究时也不知道有这样的警卫。这些武器的存在带来了全新的风险。如果我们的计划适得其反，我们可能会被枪杀。我们没有取消入侵，而是调整了计划以降低风险。在这个国家，大多数居民都是黑皮肤，而我们是白人美国人，因此显得格格不入。我们最初计划的是，我们不是咄咄逼人地闯入银行，要求保安让我们进去进行一些技术测试，而是认为，采取更温和、低调的方式会更安全。我们想出了一个创造性的办法，在我们忙碌的时候雇佣了一位当地人来和保安交谈从他们身边走过，就好像我们应该在那里而且以前去过那里一样。

Professional hackers face challenges like this all the time, and we often manage to adapt quickly and salvage the situation. Remember how we hacked into a bank in a developing country that was protected by guards on motorbikes carrying automatic weapons (chapter 8)? Our initial plan called for me and a colleague to show up ourselves to perform the hack. When we arrived in the country and scoped out the building, we were surprised to discover all of these heavily armed guards. Nobody had told us about them, and we hadn’t learned about them while performing desk research from afar. The presence of that weaponry posed a whole new level of risk. If our plan backfired, we could get shot. Instead of calling off the hack, we adjusted our plan to lower the risk. In this country, most inhabitants were dark-skinned, and we stood out as Caucasian Americans. Rather than barge in aggressively and demand that security let us in so that we could conduct some technical testing, as we had initially planned, we judged that a softer, lower-key approach would be safer. Thinking creatively, we hired a local to engage security in conversation while we hustled busily past them, acting as if we were supposed to be there and had been there before.

在这种情况下，我们有足够的时间提前制定新计划。其他时候，我会在中途自发地想出解决方案，这样我就可以挽救正在进行的遭遇。有一次，我们试图闯入一家大型组织的首席执行官办公室，看看我们能否获得敏感文件。通过社交媒体，我们得知首席执行官要去一个异国他乡度假两周。在他离开的时候，我穿着电脑技术员的西装出现在他的办公室，声称我是来修理首席执行官的电脑的。在要求他的助手让我进入首席执行官办公室时，我告诉她，他已经提前与我们预约了这次维修，并希望在他回来之前完成维修。

In this instance, we had enough time to whip up a new plan in advance. Other times, I’ve spontaneously generated solutions midstream that allowed me to salvage encounters once they were under way. In one instance, we were trying to break into the office of the CEO of a large organization to see if we could gain access to sensitive documents. Through social media, we learned that the CEO was going away for two weeks to an exotic locale for a family vacation. While he was gone, I showed up at his office wearing a computer technician’s suit and claiming I had come to fix the CEO’s computer. In asking his assistant to let me into the CEO’s office, I told her he had prescheduled this repair with us in advance and expected it to be completed by the time he was back.

尽管我尽了最大努力，她还是拒绝让我进去。我不知所措。我的计划没有奏效，看起来我不得不放弃它。但后来我想到了一个主意。我拿出剪贴板，说：“好吧，我完全理解你不能让我进去。但如果我不能修理，我就会惹上麻烦。如果答案真的是否定的，那么我只想问你是否可以签署这份表格，说明你拒绝修理。”这一举动给她增加了压力。如果她不让我进去，她就有惹怒老板的风险。通过要求她签字，我为她澄清并加剧了这一困境，在我们两人之间创造了新的权力差异。作为一种策略，这是一种温和的操纵，不是我在日常生活中会做的事情，但考虑到我在这家公司的参与条件，这是可以允许的。助理不想在我的剪贴板上签名，但当我坚持让她或其他人签名时，她最终让步并让我进去。我当时创造性地思考，稍微偏离了原来的计划，但还是成功地完成了它。

Despite my best efforts, she refused to let me in. I was stumped. My plan hadn’t worked, and it looked like I’d have to abandon it. But then I got an idea. Pulling out my clipboard, I said, “Okay, I totally understand that you can’t let me in. But I’m going to get in trouble if I can’t do the repair. If the answer really is no, then I’m just going to ask if you could sign this form saying that you’re rejecting the repair.” This move put added pressure on her. If she didn’t let me in, she risked angering her boss. By asking her to sign, I was clarifying and intensifying this dilemma for her, creating a new power differential between the two of us. As a tactic it was mildly manipulative, not something I’d do in everyday life, but permissible given the parameters of my engagement with this company. The assistant didn’t want to sign my clipboard, but when I insisted that either she or someone else do so, she finally caved and let me in. Thinking creatively in the moment, I had deviated slightly from my original plan but had managed to bring it to a successful conclusion.

有些人在面对不可预见的情况时比其他人更灵活挑战。但你可以提高保持冷静和适应的能力。通常，在压力大的情况下，我们会变得心烦意乱，我们的“战斗/逃跑/冻结”反应被激活。保持灵活性的关键是学会比现在更密切地监控你的情绪状态。当你感到自己变得害怕或心烦意乱时，尽你所能走出它，这样你就可以恢复镇静。这可能很简单，比如在谈话中停顿几秒钟，深呼吸一两次。在其他情况下，也许你可以找个借口去洗手间，给自己五到十分钟来冷静下来，思考可能的解决方案。在其他情况下，你可以要求一两天的时间思考，然后再继续谈话。在进行即将到来的社交活动时，练习时刻关注你的情绪（提醒自己在这些活动开始前这样做）。在计划这些对话时，提前考虑一下你可以暂时优雅地离开并恢复镇静的可能方法。

Some people are more flexible than others when facing unforeseen challenges. But you can improve your ability to stay calm and adaptable. Typically, in stressful situations we become flustered, our “fight/flight/freeze” response activating. The key to staying flexible is to learn to monitor your emotional state more closely than you currently might. When you feel yourself becoming fearful or flustered, do what you can to step out of it so that you can regain your composure. This might be as simple as pausing during a conversation for a few seconds and taking a deep breath or two. In other circumstances, maybe you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, giving yourself five or ten minutes to collect yourself and to think of possible solutions. In still other circumstances, you might be able to ask for a day or two to think before continuing the conversation. When undertaking your upcoming social encounters, practice staying focused minute to minute on your emotions (remind yourself to do this just before these encounters begin). As you plan for these conversations, think in advance of possible ways you might temporarily and graciously take leave and regain your composure.

如果您确实需要暂停互动，请在回来后进行快速状态检查。你们的关系还好吗？还是已经破坏了？向您感兴趣的人问一些问题，并观察他们的肢体语言来判断他们的情绪状态。如果你们的关系被破坏了，请找到一种巧妙的方式结束谈话。如果仍然存在一些融洽关系，请考虑采用新的融洽关系建立策略或换一个借口。如果你坚持你的借口，你可以对不情愿的感兴趣的人使用的一种技巧是与他们进行一次小型谈判，推动他们朝着你想要的目标前进。在本书的前面，我描述了我是如何按照保安的要求，在没有政府颁发的身份证的情况下入侵一个大型仓库的。当保安正确地指出这一点时，我转过身说：“嘿，看，我刚刚花了十分钟完成了之前的所有安全检查。在这之后，我还有很多其他的停留要做——我不能一路走下去现在回到我的车上。我能用这个公司徽章吗？”如果他遵守礼仪，他会礼貌地拒绝，而不是示意我过去。但我们已经达成了中间立场，让我实现了进入的目标，让他感觉自己已经做了一些尽职调查。随着你计划中的对话继续进行，你开始遇到阻力，想想你可能会提出的潜在“妥协”，注意不要走得太远，以免陷入操纵的边缘。

If you do have to pause the interaction, perform a quick status check-in once you’re back. Is your rapport still intact or is it ruined? Ask some questions of your person of interest and observe their body language to gauge their emotional state. If your rapport is ruined, find a tactful way to end the conversation. If some rapport still exists, consider adopting new rapport-building tactics or switch to a different pretext. If you maintain your pretext, one technique you can use with an unwilling person of interest is to engage them in a mini negotiation that nudges them toward your desired goal. Earlier in the book, I described how I hacked a large warehouse even though I didn’t have a government-issued ID, as requested by the security guards. When the guard correctly pointed this out, I pivoted and said, “Hey, look, I just spent ten minutes going through all the previous security checks. I’ve got many other stops to make after this one—I can’t go all the way back to my car now. Could I just use this corporate badge?” If he were following protocol, he would have politely declined instead of motioning me through. But we had reached a middle ground that allowed me to achieve my goal of gaining entry, and him his goal of feeling like he had done some due diligence. As your planned conversations proceed and you begin to meet resistance, think of potential “compromises” you might propose, taking care not to go too far and verge into manipulation.

有些意想不到的挑战非常可怕，你最好干脆放弃你的黑客计划。有一次，我和我的团队试图进入一个政府机构，我们假扮摄影师，要求进入一个安全区域。我们不知道，那天一位高级政治人物正在访问该机构，这意味着这个地方挤满了人类已知的所有类型的执法人员。那里肯定有 150 名警察。我知道继续执行我的计划并不是一个好主意，但我还是打消了这些疑虑，尝试了黑客计划。

Some unexpected challenges are so daunting that you’re better off simply abandoning your hack. On one occasion, my team and I attempted to enter a government facility by posing as photographers and asking for admittance to a secure area. Unbeknownst to us, a high-ranking political figure was visiting the facility that day, which meant that the place was crawling with every species of law enforcement officer known to humanity. There must have been 150 officers thronging the grounds. I knew it wasn’t such a good idea to go through with my plan, but I dismissed those doubts and tried the hack anyway.

走近警戒线时，我和我的团队发现，值班的不是通常雇佣的保安，而是一名警长。当我递上我的假驾照去领取安全徽章时，他立刻认出了这是假的，而雇佣的保安可能不会认出来。当我坚持说驾照是真的时，警长起了疑心，拔出枪对着我，旁边站着的其他几名警官也一样。他们给我们戴上手铐，以非法侵入和持有假身份证的罪名逮捕了我。虽然他们最终在得知我们的真实目的后释放了我，但我们的借口已经被揭穿了。我们可以再次尝试入侵该设施，但我们不可能冒充摄影师。我们必须开发一个全新的角色来扮演。

Approaching the security cordon, my team and I found that instead of the usual hired guards on duty, a sheriff was also present. When I handed over my fake driver’s license to obtain a security badge, he immediately recognized it as a fake, whereas a hired guard probably wouldn’t have. When I insisted that the driver’s license was real, the sheriff became suspicious and drew his gun on me, as did a couple of other officers standing nearby. They put us in handcuffs and arrested me for trespassing and possessing a fake ID. Although they would eventually release me once they learned of our true purpose, our pretext was blown. We could try again to compromise the facility, but there was no way we could pose as photographers. We would have to develop an entirely new role to play.

强行交锋会大大增加你失败的风险。你可能不会像我一样被逮捕或被枪杀，但你可能会你可能会感到尴尬或语无伦次，疏远感兴趣的人，或者收到对你的请求的否定答复。你最好耐心一点，允许自己在另一天或以不同的方式实现目标。如果你不得不放弃你的计划，请记住，失败并不可耻。唯一可耻的是忘记找出自己的缺点并加以弥补。每次失败后，我和我的团队都会汇报情况，分析我们精心策划的计划未能实现的原因和方式。你可以汇报自己，问一些具体的问题，例如：

Forcing an encounter greatly increases your risk of failure. You probably won’t get arrested or shot as I almost did, but you might appear awkward or tone-deaf, alienate a person of interest, or receive a negative reply to your request. You’re much better off being patient and giving yourself permission to achieve your goal on a different day or in a different way. If you do have to abandon your plan, remember that there’s no shame in failing. The only shame is in forgetting to identify your shortcomings and remedy them. Following each failure, my team and I debrief, analyzing how and why our carefully conceived plan didn’t deliver. You can debrief yourself, asking specific questions such as:

• 我什么时候感觉过于情绪化了？
• At what point did I feel overly emotional?
• 我在什么时候看到它变得无法控制了？
• At what point did I see it spiraling out of control?
• 对方未能理解我的哪些表述？我如何才能更好地表达我的想法？
• What statements of mine did the other person fail to understand? How could I have articulated my thoughts better?
• 我是否说过任何刻薄、讽刺或尖刻的话？
• Did I say anything mean, sarcastic, or cutting?
• 我没有考虑到对方的哪些需求或愿望？
• What needs or desires of the other person did I fail to take into account?
• 对方是否能更好地处理谈话？
• Could the other person have handled the conversation better?
• 我是否需要重新开始这次谈话，或者最好忘记它？
• Do I need to revisit the conversation or is it best forgotten?
• 我能做些什么才能让对方因为遇见我而得到更好的待遇？
• What could I have done to have left the other person better off for having met me?

当你的计划成功时，也要汇报一下。哪些方面对你来说很有效？你本可以做哪些不同的事情？这次的表现与之前的黑客努力相比如何？你在关键领域取得了进步吗？在哪些方面你仍然在努力提高？你接下来应该在哪些具体技能上努力？每一次社交活动都是一个宝贵的机会，让你了解自己，提高你对黑客技能的掌握，并记录你不断取得的进步。无论你投入多少练习，无论你在社交场合表现得多么流畅和有效，总有成长和进步的空间。黑客的训练永远不会结束。

Debrief, too, when your plans succeed. What worked well for you? What might you have done differently? How did your performance this time stack up with your previous hacking efforts? Are you seeing progress in key areas? In what areas are you still struggling to improve? What specific skills should you work on next? Every social engagement represents a valuable opportunity to learn about yourself, to improve your grasp of hacking skills, and to register your ongoing progress. As much practice as you put in, as smooth and effective as you might become in social settings, there’s always room for growth and improvement. A hacker’s training is never done.

同情心

Empathy Rocks

还有一条建议：当你使用对话大纲来规划即将到来的会面时，请停下来思考你 真正用这个工具做了什么，以及这本书中介绍的所有黑客原则和策略。通过提前系统地研究和规划对话，我们促使自己更加了解其他人以及我们希望如何与他们互动。在较小程度上，以更非正式的方式，我们在自发部署黑客技术时也在这样做。从根本上讲，黑客攻击人类实际上是训练我们更仔细地观察他人，为他们着想，并以允许他们满足他们的需求和愿望的方式行事，这样他们反过来也会帮助我们满足我们的需求和愿望。黑客行为并非完全无私，但它确实能让你对他人的生活产生巨大的影响——这一切都是因为你在社交交往中比以前更加谨慎和深思熟虑。

One more piece of advice: as you use conversational outlines to plot upcoming encounters, pause and reflect on what you’re really doing with this tool and, indeed, with all of the hacking principles and tactics presented in this book. In systematically researching and planning conversations in advance, we’re prompting ourselves to become more aware of other people and how we hope to interact with them. To a lesser extent and in a more informal way, we’re also doing that in the moment when we spontaneously deploy hacking techniques. At bottom, hacking humans is really about training ourselves to observe others more closely, think about them, and behave in ways that allow them to fulfill their needs and wishes, so that they in turn will help us out with ours. Hacking isn’t perfectly altruistic, but it does allow you to make a powerful difference in others’ lives—all because you’ve become far more mindful and deliberate in your social exchanges than you otherwise would be.

请记住，我们在与他人的关系中经历的很多动荡都是因为我们无知和无法控制自己的行为。我们可能认为自己是善良、有爱心的人，也许在大多数时候和重要方面我们确实如此。但我们大多数人仍然盲目地跌跌撞撞地进行许多互动，完全或部分地不知道别人的感受、他们对我们的感受以及他们需要、想要和期望我们做什么。我们开玩笑、闲聊、大声说话或以其他千百种方式行事，因为这样我们感觉对了或者让我们在那一刻感觉良好，却没有意识到这会给别人带来不适或让他们反感。我们被自己的情绪所迷惑，任由它们支配我们每分钟的言行。

Remember, so much of the turbulence we experience in our relationships with others arises because we’re ignorant and uncontrolled in our actions. We might regard ourselves as kind, caring people, and perhaps we are most of the time and in important ways. But most of us still stumble blindly through many of our interactions, wholly or partially ignorant of how others are feeling, how they’re experiencing us, and what they need, want, and expect from us. We crack a joke or make small talk or raise our voices or behave in a thousand other ways because it somehow feels right to us or makes us feel good in the moment, unaware that it is causing others discomfort or turning them off. Transfixed by our own emotions, we let them dictate what we say or do minute to minute.

当初学者第一次进行人类黑客攻击时，他们突然明白了他们在社交互动中所缺少的一切。他们开始比以前更加关注他人及其经历。他们变得更有同理心，对他人及其感受更加敏感，也更加意识到自己的行为及其影响。他们意识到自己对自己行为的控制力远超想象，因此开始调整自己的言语和行为，以改善他人对他们的感受。随着时​​间的推移，他们训练自己观察、感同身受，并在当下自动控制自己的行为。对他人的认识和同理心促使我们采取有意识的行动：这就是我在本书中提出的黑客超能力的本质。

When beginners first practice human hacking, they suddenly understand all that they have been missing in their social interactions. They start to pay more attention to others and their experience than they had been. They become more empathetic, more sensitive to others and their feelings, and they also become more aware of their behavior and its impact. Realizing they enjoy far more control over their own behavior than they ever imagined, they begin to craft their own speech and behaviors to improve how others experience them. Over time, they train themselves to observe, empathize, and control their behavior automatically in the moment. Awareness of and empathy toward others leading to deliberate action on our part: that’s the essence of the hacking super power I’ve presented in this book.

你可能会利用这种超能力来达到恶意的目的，就像最坏的犯罪黑客那样。但我非常有信心你不会这么做。你在本书开头签署了庄严的承诺。你不想食言，对吧？如果你真的这么做了，不管是无意还是无意，我知道你会后悔并改过自新。一旦你看到了操纵可能造成的损害，就像我一样，你会对此感到难过（如果你不是一个彻头彻尾的精神病患者），并尽最大努力坚定地站在正义的一边。另一方面，当你体验到使用黑客技能造福他人是多么令人满足时，我强烈怀疑你会寻找机会做更多这样的事情。在很多场合，我都看到人们在第一次学习黑客技术时经历了持久的转变，从根本上改变了他们的生活方向，开始帮助他人。

It’s possible you’ll take this super power and use it to malicious ends, like the worst criminal hackers do. But I feel pretty confident that you won’t. You signed that solemn pledge at the beginning of this book. You don’t want to go back on your word, do you? If you ever do, accidentally or not, I know you’ll regret it and mend your ways. Once you see the damage manipulation can inflict, as I have, you’ll feel awful about it (if you’re not a total psychopath) and do your utmost to stay firmly on the side of good. On the other hand, as you experience how fulfilling it can be to use hacking skills to benefit others, I strongly suspect you’ll seek out opportunities to do more of that. On a number of occasions, I’ve seen people undergo lasting transformations upon first learning hacking techniques, fundamentally reorienting their lives toward helping others.

黑客行为深深地改变了我的学生道格。想象一下这个身材魁梧、令人生畏的骑车人——剃着光头，啤酒肚大，举止粗鲁，词汇丰富，留着长长的白胡子，一应俱全。这就是道格第一次出现在我的课堂上时的样子。如果你看到他在一条黑暗的小巷里向你走来，你可能会转过头去。在我们为期一周的课程的第一天，我想知道他能从我教的东西中得到什么。他似乎对此持嘲笑态度，最多。结果发现我完全误解了他。在课程快结束时，一周后，道格要求与我单独会面。他告诉我，学习黑客技术对他影响很大——这彻底改变了他对自己行为和与他人交往的看法。“从现在开始，”他说，“我要确保我遇到的每个人都能因为认识我而变得更好。我每天至少要为一个人做点好事。”

Hacking profoundly changed my student Doug. Picture this big, scary biker dude—shaved head, big beer gut, gruff demeanor, a “colorful” vocabulary, long white beard, the whole deal. That’s Doug when he first showed up in my class. If you saw him walking toward you in a dark alley, you’d probably turn around. During the first day of our week-long class, I wondered what, if anything, he’d get out of what I was teaching. He seemed to have a sneering attitude toward it, at best. It turned out I was misreading him entirely. Toward the end of the week, Doug requested a private meeting with me. He told me he had been greatly affected by learning hacking techniques—it had changed his whole perspective on his behavior and his interactions with others. “From now on,” he said, “I’m going to make sure that every person I meet leaves better off for having met me. And I’m going to do something nice for at least one person every day.”

道格已经开始将他的新纪律付诸实践。那天早上，他在酒店餐厅吃早餐时，一位顾客开始大声斥责女服务员服务差。女服务员没有做任何事值得受到这种待遇，而且显然很生气。道格感受到了女服务员的情绪，觉得应该做点什么。他可能会走近这位顾客，对他大喊大叫，骂他是混蛋，谁知道还会说些什么。或者他可能会走近女服务员，同情她，说那位顾客有多胖。但道格也很敏感，他知道这两种选择都不会让他们因为遇到他而得到更好的结果。相反，这些负面的对话会让他们心烦意乱，无法享受早餐。

Doug had already begun putting his new discipline into practice. That morning, he had been eating breakfast in his hotel’s restaurant when a fellow patron began loudly berating a waitress for poor service. The waitress had done nothing to deserve this treatment and was visibly upset. Cued in to the waitress’s emotions, Doug felt moved to do something about it. He might have approached the fellow patron and yelled at him, calling him a jerk and who knows what else. Or he might have approached the waitress and commiserated with her about what a big, fat [insert colorful word] that patron had been. But Doug was sensitive to the feelings of others in earshot as well, and he knew neither of those options would have left them better off for having encountered him. Rather, these negative exchanges would have disturbed them and prevented them from enjoying their breakfasts.

想了一会儿后，道格走向女服务员，对她微笑，轻声说道：“我只是想让你知道，我感谢你所做的一切。”就这样。道格没有任何私心，只是对这位女士说了一句好话，肯定了她的专业和人品。整个星期，他都专注于提高自己的情商——同情他人，并采取有意识的行动与他们建立联系。在我们上课时，他对自己获得的超能力印象深刻，并觉得应该用它来做好事，而不是做坏事。

After thinking about it for a moment, Doug approached the waitress, smiled at her, and in a soft voice, said, “I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you do.” That’s it. With no selfish motive of his own, Doug offered this woman the gift of a kind word, affirming her as a professional and as a person. All week long, he had focused on amping up his emotional intelligence—to empathize with others and to take deliberate action to connect with them. He had been impressed by the super power he had gained during our class and felt called to use it for good, not evil.

当你练习并最终掌握人类黑客技能时，利用你新发现的力量让其他人过得更好。想想他们想要什么。了解他们的感受。特别努力建立融洽关系。运用影响力技巧，让他们乐意满足你的愿望。与他人相处时做你自己，尽可能诚实地说话。当别人拒绝你的要求时，要有风度地做出反应。黑客并不像媒体经常描绘的那样都是恶意的。外面也有好黑客，他们正在让世界变得更美好。加入我们。帮助别人在你身边感觉良好是获得你想要的东西最顺利、最有效、最充实的方式。它让我进入高度安全的建筑物和 IT 系统，它将帮助你在工作中取得进步，在家里建立更牢固的关系，并在任何情况下更有效地处理问题。永远——永远——让他们因为遇见你而过得更好。同理心很棒！

As you practice and eventually master your human hacking skills, use your newfound power to leave others better off. Think about what they want. Cue into what they’re feeling. Make a special effort to build rapport. Wield influence techniques to make it pleasant for them to grant your wishes. Be yourself with others and speak as truthfully as you can. React graciously when others deny your requests. Hacking isn’t as uniformly malicious as the media often portrays it to be. There are good hackers out there, too, and they’re making the world a better place. Join us. Helping others feel great around you is the smoothest, most effective, most fulfilling way to get what you want. It gets me inside highly secured buildings and IT systems, and it will help you advance at work, build stronger relationships at home, and deal more effectively in any situation. Always—always—leave them better off for having met you. Empathy rocks!