封面图片
封面

电子书说明

Ebook Instructions

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奉献

Dedication

献给 Areesa,我一生挚爱。你是我最好的朋友,也是我见过的最美丽的人之一。

To Areesa, the love of my life. You are my best friend and one of the most beautiful humans I have ever met.

 

 

致科林,看着你成为现在这样的男人给了我无限的希望。我为你感到骄傲。

To Colin, watching you become the man you are has given me endless hope. I am so proud of you.

 

 

致 Amaya,我无法用语言来形容我对你的爱有多深。你的美貌和才华让我惊叹不已。

To Amaya, there are no words to describe the depth of my love for you. Your beauty and talent astound me.

请阅读并签名后再继续

Please Read and Sign Before Continuing

本书所包含的工具非常强大。每年,世界各地的犯罪分子都会利用这些工具操纵他人,为他们做事,从企业和个人手中窃取数万亿美元,破坏数百万人的生活,改变整个国家的政治命运。在与你分享这些技巧时,我相信你会用它们做善事,而不是作恶。你会帮助别人,而不仅仅是自己,你会避免做出伤害他人的行为。这是严肃的事情——生命危在旦夕!因此,在继续之前,请阅读并签署以下承诺:

The tools contained in this book are uniquely powerful. Every year, criminals around the world use them to manipulate others to do their bidding, stealing trillions of dollars from businesses and individuals, wreaking havoc on the lives of millions, and altering the political destinies of entire nations. In sharing these techniques with you, I trust that you’ll use them for the cause of good, not evil. You’ll help others, not just yourself, and you’ll refrain from behaving in ways that harm others. This is serious business—lives are at stake here! So, before proceeding, please read and sign the following pledge:

________________________,郑重宣誓不会使用这些技能操纵他人,谋取自私的、片面的利益。虽然我可能会使用这些技能让自己受益,但我将确保与我互动的其他人也能受益,并且他们不会因为顺从我的意愿而损害自己的最大利益。此外,我承诺在使用这些技能时尊重他人的隐私,并承诺使用这些技能来增强我自己的自我意识,这样我就可以成为一个更好的伴侣、家人、朋友、同事和邻居。最重要的是,我承诺使用这些技能的方式最终会让人们因为认识我而感觉更好。如果我未能完成这项任务(偶尔可能会),我保证会从经验中吸取教训,下次做得更好。

I, ________________________, solemnly swear not to use these skills to manipulate people for selfish, one-sided gain. While I may use these skills to benefit myself, I will ensure that the others with whom I interact benefit as well, and that they don’t compromise their own best interests by acceding to my wishes. Further, I promise to respect the privacy of others in using these skills, and I promise to use these skills to enhance my own self-awareness, so that I can become a better partner, family member, friend, colleague, and neighbor. Most of all, I promise to use these skills in ways that ultimately leave people feeling better for having met me. If I fail in this task, as I occasionally might, I promise to learn from the experience and do better next time.

签,

Signed,

__________________________________

__________________________________

(在此签名并注明日期)

(Sign and date here)

介绍

你的新超能力

Introduction

Your New Super Power

现在是凌晨一点,我们开着一辆租来的黑色 Suburban,在沙漠灌木丛中缓慢行驶,车灯没有打开。我在月光下眯着眼睛,绕过巨石、灌木丛和偶尔出现的小树。我的伙伴 Ryan 紧紧抓住乘客座位,指关节发白。每隔几分钟,他就会伸长脖子,确保没有人跟踪我们。我深呼吸,试图保持冷静。我们俩都没有说话,除了我们猛烈颠簸或险些撞上巨石时,偶尔有人会说“废话”。

It’s one o’clock in the morning, and we’re in a rented black Suburban, creeping along off-road through desert scrubland with our lights off. I squint in the moonlight, navigating around boulders, clumps of underbrush, and the occasional small tree. My buddy Ryan’s knuckles are white as he grips the passenger seat. Every few minutes, he cranes his neck to make sure nobody is following us. I take deep breaths, trying to stay calm. Neither of us talks, save an occasional “crap” from one of us when we take a hard bounce or narrowly avert a boulder.

我们以每小时几英里的速度向一群不起眼的四四方方的建筑驶去,这些建筑被强大的泛光灯和其他分散的工业照明照亮。更确切地说,我们朝着十英尺高的安全围栏驶去,围栏顶部有铁丝网,将我们和这些建筑物隔开。

Going just a few miles per hour, we make our way toward a group of boxy, nondescript buildings illuminated by powerful floodlights and other scattered industrial lighting. More precisely, we head toward the ten-foot-high security fence topped with razor wire that stands between us and those buildings.

大约行驶了五英里后,我猛踩刹车,因为一只郊狼突然冲到我们的路上。我告诉自己,我们不应该这样做。

At one point, about five miles into it, I brake hard as a coyote darts in our path. We shouldn’t be doing this, I tell myself.

距离栅栏大约四分之一英里的地方,我发现左边有一条又大又深的沟壑,直插大地。“那里怎么样?”我问。

About a quarter mile from the fence, I spot a large and deep gully cutting down into the earth off to my left. “How about there?” I ask.

“好吧,”瑞安说。

“Fine,” Ryan says.

我把车开进沟里,尽量不让车子被两边的茂密干燥灌木丛刮到。我尽可能往下开,这样在尘土飞扬的荒地上行走的警卫或工人就看不到我的车了。从这里开始,我们将步行前进。“有同伴吗?”我问道,然后关掉了引擎。

I maneuver into the gully, trying not to scratch the car on the thick, dry brush that lines either side. I go as far down as I can before parking so that guards or workers walking around this dusty wasteland can’t see the car. From here, we’ll proceed on foot. “Any company?” I ask, shutting off the engine.

“但我想并非如此,”瑞安说道。

“Don’t think so,” Ryan says.

“来吧。”

“Let’s roll.”

我们下了车,轻轻关上身后的门。响尾蛇和蝎子在这里出没,所以我们蹑手蹑脚地四处走动,警惕着最细微的动静。我们打开后舱门,拉出一个铝梯和几根绳子。除了梯子,我们轻装上阵——你永远不知道我们是否必须逃跑。“好的,”我指着左边的一段栅栏说。“那边,那个黑暗的地方。看起来灯灭了。这是我们最好的选择。”

We get out and close the doors softly behind us. Rattlesnakes and scorpions abound in this habitat, so we tiptoe around, alert to the slightest movement. We open the back hatch and pull out an aluminum ladder and some lengths of rope. Aside from the ladder, we’re traveling light—you never know if we’ll have to make a run for it. “Okay,” I say, pointing to a section of fence a bit to our left. “Over there, that dark area. Looks like a light is out. It’s our best bet.”

我们抬着梯子走着。周围安静得可怕,只有建筑物里传来的低沉嗡嗡声和梯子偶尔发出的轻微碰撞声。我们距离最近的城镇有五十英里,手无寸铁,也没有人来邀请我们。如果我们出了什么事,没人会知道。而且可能会发生一些事情。我曾经被捕,有人用枪指着我的头。与这次相比,那些都是轻松的工作。

We walk, carrying the ladder between us. It’s eerily quiet, save for a low hum coming from the buildings and the occasional, soft clanging of the ladder. We’re fifty miles from the nearest town, unarmed and uninvited. If anything happens to us, nobody will know. And something might happen. I’ve been arrested and had guns put to my head. And those were easy jobs compared to this one.

我不能透露这是什么样的设施,也不知道它位于世界的哪个地方。我能说的是,在这个铁丝网围栏外面,一个强大的组织正在监视着某种极其珍贵的东西。事实上,这个“东西”是如此珍贵,以至于该组织花费了数千万美元来设计这个设施,并把它装备成我们所知道的“绝对牢不可破”的设施,它是地球上最安全的设施之一。除了铁丝网,还有数十名训练有素、手持自动武器的警卫在场地上巡逻,整夜巡逻。其他警卫在高塔内站岗。强大的聚光灯定期照亮围栏,数百台摄像机监控着围栏上的动静场地和周边。还有一系列其他我不能透露的昂贵而复杂的设备,它们都只有一个目的:阻止像瑞恩和我这样的人进入。

I can’t divulge what kind of facility this is, or where in the world it is located. What I can say is that beyond this barbed-wire fence a powerful organization is keeping watch over something immensely valuable. This “something” is so valuable, in fact, that the organization has spent tens of millions of dollars designing this facility and outfitting it to be, as we were told, “absolutely impenetrable,” one of the most secure facilities on the planet. Besides the barbed wire, dozens of highly trained guards armed with automatic weapons patrol the grounds, making rounds throughout the night. Other guards stand watch inside high turret towers. Powerful spotlights illuminate the fence at regular intervals, with hundreds of cameras monitoring movements on the grounds and around the perimeter. An array of other costly and sophisticated equipment that I can’t reveal is also in place, all with one objective: keep people like Ryan and me out.

我们之所以对安全措施如此了解,是因为我们花了数周时间为这次任务做准备。我们在远程工作,通过网络钓鱼和语音钓鱼(网络钓鱼电话)攻击收集了大量详细信息。在看似无害的对话中,在铁丝网后面和该组织维护的其他设施中工作的人们透露了运营计划、日程安排细节,甚至在这里工作的员工和经理的姓名——这些信息足以让我们拼凑出该组织管理层的大部分内容。

We know about the security in such detail because we’ve spent weeks preparing for this mission. Working from a remote location, we gathered reams of detailed information via phishing and vishing (phishing phone calls) attacks. In the course of seemingly innocuous conversation, people working behind the razor wire and at other facilities maintained by this organization revealed operational plans, scheduling details, even the names of employees and managers who worked here—enough of them so that we could piece together large portions of the organization’s management hierarchy.

最近几天,我们继续收集信息,同时亲自查看设施。我们了解到该组织正在这栋设施附近建造一个新设施,本周将举行奠基仪式。虽然网上没有关于新设施位置的信息,但这并没有阻止我们。我们注意到一位当地记者撰写了有关该建设的文章,于是我们制定了一个计划,假扮这位记者和他来自同一新闻网站的同事。为了了解地点,我们让一位女同事黛布拉假扮记者的助理给设施总部打电话。“嗨,”她用愉快的语气说。“我是 WXTT(不是电视台的真名)的萨曼莎。我是皮特·罗比肖的秘书。他将于周六十点半前来报道剪彩仪式。我有几个后续问题。”

In recent days, we continued to amass information while poking around the facilities in person. We had learned that the organization was building a new facility near this one, and that they were holding a groundbreaking ceremony this week. Although no information about the new facility’s location was available online, that didn’t stop us. Noticing that a local journalist had written articles about the construction, we hatched a plan to pose as this journalist and his colleague from the same news site. To learn the location, we had Debra, one of our female colleagues, call the facility’s main office posing as an assistant to the journalist. “Hi,” she said, in a cheerful tone. “This is Samantha over at WXTT [not the television station’s real name]. I’m Pete Robichaud’s secretary. He’s coming out to cover the ribbon ceremony on Saturday at ten thirty. I just have a couple of follow-up questions.”

“等一下,”电话那头的一名男子说道,他大概在确认 Pete(同样不是他的真名)是否在客人名单上。“请说。”

“Hold on a sec,” a man on the other end of the line said, probably checking that Pete (also not his real name) was on the guest list. “Go ahead.”

“好的,那么首先,他需要带什么样的身份证件?他需要带照片的政府身份证件,对吗?”

“Okay, so first off, what kind of ID does he need to bring? He’ll need a government ID with a photo, right?”

“是的。驾照可以,护照也可以。”

“Yep. Driver’s license is fine, as is a passport.”

“太好了。那么,下一个问题是,他打算带上自己的摄影器材。这样可以吗?有什么是他不应该带的吗?”

“Great. So, next question, he’s planning on bringing his own camera equipment. Is that okay? Anything he shouldn’t bring?”

“没关系,”那人说。“不过,我们会在进来时对他进行搜查。”

“That’s fine,” the man said. “We’ll search him on the way in, though.”

“当然,”我们的同事说。“所以,我的最后一个问题是……我只是想核实一下。我们似乎弄丢了他的邀请,所以我想核实一下设施的位置以及他需要去哪里。”

“Absolutely,” our colleague said. “So, my last question is . . . I just want to verify. We seem to have lost his invitation, so I want to verify the facility’s location and where he needs to go.”

“没问题,”那人说。他给了我们所需的确切信息。

“No problem,” the man said. He gave us exactly the information we needed.

这次谈话看似微不足道,只持续了三十秒。电话那头的男人可能没有再多想。但这次交流的意义远不止表面上看起来那么简单。黛布拉只想获得一条信息——地址——但她提出了两个热身问题,引出了我们知道电话那头的男人不会有任何问题回答的基本信息。这种技巧就是我们这个行业的人所说的“让步”。热身问题的作用是让男人放心地同意回答她的问题。一旦他的大脑回答了其中两个问题,它就会更好地回答第三个问题,只要最后一个问题不是太离谱而引起怀疑。黛布拉甚至为他抛出了第一个问题的答案,表明她知道自己在做什么,以前也做过,一切都是合法的。

It was a seemingly trivial conversation, lasting only thirty seconds. The man on the other end of the line probably didn’t give it another thought. But there was more to the exchange than meets the eye. Debra only wanted to obtain one piece of information—the address—yet she posed two warm-up questions, eliciting basic information that we knew the man on the other end of the line would have no problem answering. This technique is what people in our line of work call “concession.” The warm-up questions served to get the man comfortable conceding to the prospect of answering her questions. Once his brain had answered two of them, it would be better primed to answer the third, so long as that last question wasn’t so outlandish as to arouse suspicion. Debra even threw out an answer to the first question for him, signaling that she knew what she was doing, had done it before, and everything was legit.

但黛布拉也运用了其他技巧。当她提出第三个问题时,她将其定位为简单地“验证”她已经知道的事情。她通过唤起问题的逻辑来设置问题,使它看起来是一个完全合理的问题。而在此之前,当她问老板是否有什么不应该带的东西时,她装傻,含蓄地要求电话那头的男人教她。这安抚了男人的自尊心,证实了他的权威,让他更自在,更愿意说话——由于他们之间的性别差异,这项任务变得更容易。

But Debra was deploying other techniques as well. When she posed the third question, she positioned it as simply “verifying” what she already knew. She was setting up the question by evoking its logic, making it seem a perfectly reasonable question to ask. And before that, when she asked if there was anything her boss shouldn’t bring, she was playing dumb, implicitly asking the man on the other end to teach her. This massaged the man’s ego, validating his authority and making him more comfortable and willing to talk—a task made easier by the gender difference between them.

得益于这次和其他类似的谈话,我们得以在前一天到达该设施并几乎进入。安全人员产生了怀疑并短暂拘留了我们,但在此之前,我们了解到了有关安全规定的大量细节,包括警卫的训练方式、他们携带的武器、他们警惕的威胁类型、设施使用的摄像头类型等。

Thanks to this conversation and others like it, we had been able to show up at the facility the day before and nearly gain access. Security personnel became suspicious and briefly detained us, but not before we’d learned numerous details about the security provisions, how the guards were trained, what weapons they carried, what kinds of threats they were alert to, what kinds of cameras the facility used, and so on.

现在,瑞恩和我再次尝试进入围栏,但不可否认的是,这次尝试更加危险。半夜时分,两名身份不明的男子从头到脚穿着黑色衣服,偷偷摸摸地靠近围栏,紧张的警卫很容易先开枪,然后再问问题。身高六英尺三英寸的我,绝对不是一个小目标。我们向围栏走去时,我试图将这些想法抛在一边,但这并不容易。我的脑海里不断浮现出我之前给妻子和孩子打的电话,告诉他们我爱他们。每听到一个声音,我的脉搏就会加速,我就会倒吸一口气。我们不应该这样做,我再次告诉自己。

Now Ryan and I are trying again to gain access, in a way that admittedly is far more dangerous. In the middle of the night, with two unidentified men dressed head to toe in black sneaking up to the fence, it would be easy for a nervous guard to shoot first and ask questions later. At six feet three, I’m hardly a small target. I try to push these thoughts aside as we make our way toward the fence, but it isn’t easy. My mind keeps returning to the phone call I’d made earlier to my wife and kids, telling them that I love them. With every sound, my pulse races and I suck in my breath. We shouldn’t be doing this, I tell myself again.

我们来到围栏的黑暗部分,环顾四周——一切都很安全。我把梯子靠在铁丝网链上,我们用绳子把铁丝网拉下来。他用手机录像,我爬上去打破围栏。我环顾四周,看看我们是否被发现,但幸运的是,我们没有被发现。

We reach the darkened section of fence and glance around—all clear. I rest the ladder against the chain link, and we use the rope to ease the razor wire down. With him video-recording on his phone, I climb up to breach the fence. I look around to see if we’ve been spotted, but fortunately, we haven’t.

接下来的一个小时左右,瑞恩和我探索了场地,闯入了几座建筑和大型机器,并拍摄了我们看到的照片和视频。警卫一次也没有接近我们。他们似乎不知道我们的存在。然而,每一秒都是纯粹的寺庙悸动和肾上腺素飙升的折磨。

Over the next hour or so, Ryan and I explore the grounds, break into a couple of buildings and large machines, and take photographs and video-record what we see. Not once do the guards approach us. They apparently have no idea of our presence. Still, every second is pure temple-throbbing, adrenaline-coursing torment.

当我们觉得文件足够了,我们便回到卡车上,准备休息。接下来的几天里,我们将使用低技术工具和心理技巧从其他入口再次攻破该设施。警卫会冲我们大喊大叫,用枪指着我们的头,但前提是我们又花了几个小时四处游荡建筑物周围以及设施内最敏感、戒备最森严的区域。

When we feel we have enough documentation, we head back to our truck and call it a night. Over the next few days, we’ll use low-tech tools and psychological techniques to compromise this facility again from other entry points. We’ll have guards shouting at us and putting guns to our heads, but only after we’ve spent hours again wandering around buildings and into the facility’s most sensitive, highly guarded areas.

“绝对牢不可破”?我不这么认为。

“Absolutely impenetrable”? I don’t think so.

我们是谁以及我们做什么

Who We Are and What We Do

你可能会认为 Ryan 和我是政府间谍、高级罪犯,或者是无所畏惧的寻求刺激的人,想要再获得一百万 YouTube 粉丝。但你错了。我们不是这些人中的任何一个。

You might think Ryan and I are government spies, high-end criminals, or fearless thrill seekers looking for another million YouTube followers. You’d be wrong. We’re not any of those.

我们是黑客。

We’re hackers.

大多数人认为黑客是年轻的技术恶棍,他们喝着激浪,敲打电脑,窃取数据、破坏网站或发送有关伟哥的垃圾邮件。但也有优秀的黑客,他们是政府和公司雇佣的顶级安全专家,保护他们免受坏人的侵害。在这些优秀的黑客中,有少数人并不擅长入侵计算机的技术方面,而是擅长混乱的人性方面。这类黑客不是通过编写代码来入侵机器,而是通过入侵人类来绕过最严密的安全措施他们本质上是骗子,口齿伶俐,说服毫无戒心的人让他们进入机器和安全的物理位置。这些黑客中的佼佼者非常优秀,他们不仅能得到他们想要的东西,还能让他们的目标因为满足了这些要求而感到高兴。

Most people think of hackers as young techno-thugs who pound Mountain Dew and tap at their computers stealing data, crashing websites, or sending spam about Viagra. But there are good hackers, too, top-security professionals that governments and companies hire to protect them from the bad guys. And among these good hackers, there are a select few who don’t specialize in the technical side of breaking into computers, but rather the messy, human side. This subspecies of hackers bypasses even the tightest security not by writing code to hack machines, but by hacking humans. They’re con men, essentially, fast talkers who convince unsuspecting people to let them into machines and secured physical locations. The best of these hackers are so good that they not only get what they want, they make it so their targets feel better for having met them.

瑞恩和我都是人类黑客。别担心,我们是好人。我们像坏人一样思考,运用先进的心理学原理和技术来入侵服务器和物理站点。当我们成功时(大多数情况下都是如此),我们会帮助我们的客户了解并修复他们的弱点,以便他们的客户和整个社会更加安全。这就是那天晚上我们在沙漠中所做的事情——探测这个据称超级安全的设施的安全性并找出弱点,以便我们的客户能够修复它们在坏人闯入并造成严重破坏之前。我们靠让陌生人说或做我们想说的任何事情为生。

Ryan and I are hackers of humans. And don’t worry, we’re good guys. Thinking like the bad guys do, we apply advanced psychological principles and techniques to break into servers and physical sites. When we succeed, which is the vast majority of the time, we help our clients understand and fix their weaknesses, so that their customers and society at large are safer. That’s what we were doing in the desert that evening—probing the security of this supposedly ultra-secure facility and identifying weaknesses, so that our clients could fix them before the bad guys broke in and wreaked havoc. We make our living getting perfect strangers to say or do pretty much whatever we want.

十多年来,我不断磨练自己的技术,并用它们入侵了世界上最为安全的设施和计算机网络,甚至让一位报道安全行业的记者不禁自问,我是不是“美国最危险的人”。1我不是,但我们确实将自己的方法传授给世界各地的间谍、军事人员和安全专家,以便他们能够领先真正危险的坏人一步。在这本书中,我将向您揭示我们的秘密,供您在家庭和工作中使用。您将学到如何通过肢体语言有效地读懂他人的心思,如何通过说出恰当的词语让别人立即站在您这边,如何提出请求以大大增加您得到积极回应的机会,如何发现和挫败那些试图操纵您的人,如何从头到尾策划一场重要的谈话以增加您成功的几率,等等。无论您是想升职、让别人给您免费的东西、让人们告诉您他们的真实想法,还是通过学习更好地沟通来改善您的人际关系,我们的方法都将成为您的新秘密武器。您会发现,黑客攻击人类可以帮助任何人 赢得朋友、影响他人并实现他们的目标。它可以帮助你。

I’ve honed my techniques for more than a decade, using them to compromise the world’s most secure facilities and computer networks, prompting one journalist covering the security industry to wonder aloud whether I’m “the most dangerous man in America.”1 That I’m not, but we do teach our methods to spies, military personnel, and security professionals around the world so that they can stay one step ahead of the truly dangerous bad guys. In this book, I’ll reveal our secrets to you for use at home and at work. You’ll learn how to read people effectively from their body language, how to get people instantly on your side by uttering exactly the right words, how to make requests in ways that dramatically increase your chances of a positive response, how to spot and thwart people who are trying to manipulate you, how to plot out an important conversation from beginning to end to increase your odds of success, and much more. Whether you seek to land a promotion, get people to give you free stuff, get people to tell you what they really think, or improve your relationships by learning to communicate better, our methods will be your new secret weapon. As you’ll discover, hacking humans can help anyone win friends, influence people, and achieve their goals. It can help you.

一种新型黑客攻击

A New Kind of Hacking

攻击人而不是计算机的想法听起来可能很奇怪。谁知道这是“一件事”?我当时并不知道。1991 年,我因为做了一件小事,在大学里呆了两个月就被开除了。事实上,这事并不小——我摆弄了校园里简陋的调制解调器,结果导致佛罗里达州萨拉索塔的几乎整个电话系统瘫痪了一整天。

The notion of hacking people instead of computers might sound strange. Who knew it was a “thing”? I didn’t back in the day. In 1991, I got kicked out of college after only two months because of a little stunt I pulled. Actually, it wasn’t so little—I messed around with the primitive modems we had on campus and wound up shutting down practically the entire phone system for Sarasota, Florida, for a full day.

后来,我渐渐淡出了。我知道我有一种奇怪的本领,可以说服有人给我不该有的东西,所以我利用这段时间找到了自己感兴趣的工作。退学大约一年后,我做着送报纸的工作,走进一栋有 25 个单元的公寓大楼的办公室,开始和业主聊天。我以前从未见过这个人,但几分钟后,我就让他告诉我他最深、最黑暗的秘密。原来他有一些个人问题需要在州外解决。两个小时后,我找到了一份薪水丰厚的工作——没有相关经验——担任副房东,负责出租公寓和管理大楼。我才十七岁。

Afterward, I drifted. I knew I had this strange knack for convincing people to give me stuff I shouldn’t have, so I used it to land jobs that interested me. About a year after dropping out, I was working a job delivering papers when I walked into the office of a twenty-five-unit apartment complex and began chatting with the owner. I had never met this guy before, but in just a few minutes, I got him to tell me his deepest, darkest secrets. It turned out he had some personal issues he needed to resolve out of state. Two hours later, I had a well-paying job—with no relevant experience—as vice landlord renting out apartments and managing the complex. I was just seventeen years old.

我待了一段时间,觉得无聊就离开了。我觉得当一名厨师很酷,所以我走进一家非常高档的餐厅,在没有任何厨房经验的情况下,寻求一份工作。两个小时后,令人难以置信的是,我得到了一份工作。

I stayed for a while, leaving when I became bored. I got it into my head that it would be cool to be a chef, so I walked into a very fancy restaurant and, with zero kitchen experience, asked for a job. Two hours later, incredibly, I had one.

我也厌倦了这份工作,于是又找了一份没有经验的工作。然后又找了一份。再找了一份。快三十岁的时候,我在一家生产不锈钢工业产品的公司担任国际商务谈判员。我周游世界,做着各种交易,赚了很多钱。但那时,我也说服了我爱的这个女人嫁给我,生孩子。我想在家里多呆一会儿,于是决定离开,找点别的事做。

I got bored of that, too, so I talked my way into yet another job with no experience. Then another. And another. By the time I was in my late twenties, I was working as an international business negotiator for a company that, of all things, made stainless steel industrial products. I was traveling the world wheeling and dealing and making great money. But by that time, I had also talked this woman I loved into marrying me and having kids. Wishing to spend more time at home, I decided to leave and find something else to do.

考虑到我被大学开除的经历,我突然想到我可能擅长入侵电脑。我上网找到了一家安全公司提供的如何入侵的课程。我参加了这门课程,成为该公司历史上第一个入侵其最坚固的服务器之一的人。老板当场给我提供了一份工作,帮助他们使用技术方法物理入侵计算机网络。

It occurred to me, given my experience getting kicked out of college, that I might be good at hacking into computers. I went online and found a course offered by a security company on how to do it. I took the course and was the first person in the company’s history to break into one of its most hardened servers. The owner offered me a job on the spot helping them to physically break into computer networks using technical methods.

有一个问题:尽管我参加了这门课程,但我对技术方法并不十分擅长。我的优势是街头智慧和快速说话的技巧。结果这一切都我需要。在接下来的几年里,我以意想不到的方式帮助了团队。我的同事们会摆弄计算机代码,试图找到他们可以利用的软件或硬件漏洞来入侵系统。他们会为此工作三十个小时、四十个小时、五十个小时。最后,我会插话说:“我打电话给这个人问他的密码怎么样?”

There was one problem: despite having taken the course, I wasn’t all that great at the technical methods. What I had going for me was my street smarts and skills as a fast talker. It turned out that this was all I needed. For the next few years, I helped out the team in unexpected ways. My colleagues would be messing around with computer code, trying to find software or hardware vulnerabilities they could exploit to break into a system. They’d go at it for thirty hours, forty, fifty. Eventually, I’d pipe in: “How about I just call this guy and ask for his password?”

他们耸耸肩说:“好吧,你可以试试。”

They’d shrug and say, “Well, you can try.”

十分钟后,我们就进入了系统。

In ten minutes, we were in the system.

这种场景一再上演。有时我会打电话给人们获取信息,有时我会使用钓鱼邮件,或者毫无畏惧地闯入某个设施,说服人们让我访问他们的服务器。我没有使用任何现有的方法,只是凭直觉和街头智慧。但这种方法很有效,以至于我向老板建议我们开设一门关于这些方法的课程。令我惊讶的是,他让我继续编写一门课程。“没办法,”我说。“我不知道如何编写课程。我甚至从未读过大学。”

This scenario played out again and again. Sometimes I’d call people to extract information, other times I’d use phishing emails or just waltz into a facility with no fear and convince people to give me access to their servers. I wasn’t using any preexisting methods, just my intuitive people skills and street smarts. But it worked, so much so that I suggested to my boss that we create a course on these methods. To my surprise, he told me to go ahead and make one up. “No way,” I said. “I have no clue how to write a course. I never even finished college.”

“这很简单,”他说。“只要找到所有可能包含相关心理学理论或研究的书籍,然后思考你每天在工作中要做的事情。把所有这些都写下来,组织成一个简单的框架,然后就可以教给别人了。”

“It’s easy,” he said. “Just find every book you can that might have relevant psychological theory or research and think about what you’re doing every day on the job. Write all of this down and organize it into a simple framework that you can teach to people.”

他的建议很有道理,所以我接受了挑战。2009 年,经过近一年的学习和思考,我写好了框架。我把它发到了网上,然后就忘了它。几个月后,一家出版社突然打电话给我,说他们看过我的框架。他们想知道我是否愿意为安全行业的人写一本技术书。我一开始拒绝了他们,告诉他们我只是一个油嘴滑舌的小黑客,没有人会读我写的任何东西。我告诉老板这个提议,以为他会和我一样觉得好笑。他差点从座位上跳起来。“你疯了吗?给他们回电话,写书!”

His advice made sense, so I accepted the challenge. In 2009, after almost a year of studying and thinking, I had my framework written. I posted it online, and then largely forgot about it. A few months later, a publishing house cold-called me and said they’d seen my framework. They wondered if I would like to write a technical book for people in the security business. I turned them down at first, telling them I was just a greasy little hacker, and nobody was going to read anything I wrote. I told my boss about the offer, thinking he’d find it as funny as I did. He almost jumped out of his seat. “Are you crazy? Call them back and write the book!”

我再次采纳了他的建议,于是《社会工程学:人类黑客的艺术》于 2010 年问世。这是第一本关于黑客的“入门”书籍人类,销量超过 10 万册,这对于一本技术书来说简直是疯了。在将我所做的工作定义为“社会工程学”时,我借用了一个术语,该术语最早在 19 世纪末提出,并在 20 世纪 90 年代和 21 世纪由著名黑客凯文·米特尼克 (Kevin Mitnick) 流行起来。正如我向读者解释的那样,社会工程学是“操纵一个人采取可能符合也可能不符合‘目标’最佳利益的行动的行为”。2此后,我改变了他的定义,区分了影响人们按照你的意愿行事或思考与操纵,操纵是强迫或胁迫他们这样做的黑暗艺术。考虑到优秀黑客的道德约束(稍后讨论),像我这样的社会工程师所做的绝大多数工作是影响人们。我们偷偷让他们泄露敏感信息,并且在几乎所有情况下我们都避免强迫他们。

Again, I took his advice, and Social Engineering: The Art of Human Hacking came out in 2010. It was the first “how-to” book on hacking humans and has sold more than 100,000 copies, which is crazy for a nerdy technical book. In framing what I did as “social engineering,” I appropriated a term first coined in the late nineteenth century and popularized during the 1990s and 2000s by the prominent hacker Kevin Mitnick. As I explained to readers, social engineering was “the act of manipulating a person to take an action that may or may not be in the ‘target’s’ best interest.”2 I have since altered his definition, distinguishing between influencing people to behave or think as you wish and manipulation, which is the darker art of forcing or coercing them to do so. Given the ethical constraints in which good hackers operate (discussed in a moment), the vast majority of what social engineers like me do is influencing people. We sneakily get them to divulge sensitive information, and we refrain in almost all situations from coercing them.

与我们相遇,无论是当面、通过电话还是在网上,您都会觉得自己与另一个人有过一次愉快但也许微不足道的邂逅。在某种程度上,您会因为与我们相遇而感到高兴。但是,由于我们以完全正确的方式组织了对话,使用了特定的词语并密切关注您的反应,您几乎肯定会向我们提供密码、社会安全号码或其他我们需要的信息。事实上,训练有素的社会工程师不需要使用操纵手段。影响技术已经足够强大了。

Cross paths with us, either in person, on the phone, or online, and you’ll think you had a delightful if perhaps trivial encounter with another human being. In some small way, you’ll feel better off for having met us. But because we framed the conversation in exactly the right way, using specific words and paying close attention to your reactions, you’ll almost certainly have also given us a password, a Social Security number, or some other piece of information we needed. The truth is, a well-trained social engineer doesn’t need to use manipulation. Influence techniques are powerful enough.

你知道昨天那个给你打电话请求慈善捐款的和蔼老太太吗?她和你聊了几分钟。或者那个友好的 UPS 快递员,在问路时对你公司的帽子发表了看法,开了个玩笑,还很天真地问了你工作的情况。我不是想吓唬你,但她可能并不友善,他可能也不天真。这些陌生人可能是恶意黑客,试图从你身上榨取信息。他们几乎肯定不是——我们不要太激动——但是他们本可以做到。数百万人被犯罪分子利用影响技术伪装成无辜对话而遭受黑客攻击。受害者直到有一天发现有人以他们的名义借了一笔小企业贷款或锁定了他们的电脑并索要赎金时才知道自己被骗了。

You know that nice old lady who called you yesterday soliciting a charitable donation, and who chatted you up for a few minutes? Or that friendly UPS guy who in the course of asking for directions remarked on your company hat, cracked a joke, and queried you quite innocently about your work? I don’t mean to scare you, but she might not have been nice, and he might not have been innocent. These strangers might have been malicious hackers, trying to squeeze you for information. They almost certainly weren’t—let’s not get carried away—but they could have been. Millions of people get hacked by criminals using influence techniques masquerading as an innocent conversation. The victims don’t know they’ve been had until one day they discover that someone has taken out a small business loan in their name or locked down their computer and demanded a ransom.

《社会工程学》列出了黑客攻击人类的基本原则和技术,以便安全专家能够利用它们来阻止攻击并保护我们的安全。回想起来,我对这本书并不感到自豪——它相当薄弱。但它确实帮助社会工程学名声大噪。对我个人而言,《社会工程学》是一个转折点。我对它在安全界受到的欢迎感到兴奋,于是我创办了一家公司,通过执行前面描述的“渗透测试”来评估公司的弱点,并培训安全专家如何有效地攻击人类。

Social Engineering laid out the basic principles and techniques for hacking humans, so that security professionals could use them to thwart attacks and keep us safe. In retrospect, I’m not proud of this book—it’s pretty weak. But it did help put social engineering on the map. And for me personally, Social Engineering was a turning point. Excited about the reception it received in the security world, I started a company that evaluates companies for weaknesses by performing “penetration tests” such as the one depicted earlier, and that trains security professionals in how to hack humans effectively.

在我们经营的十年中,我的公司利用社会工程学原理发送了 1400 万封钓鱼电子邮件和 45,000 多通语音钓鱼电话。我们侵入了数百台服务器,并物理入侵了数十家全球戒备最严密的公司和政府设施,包括银行、公司总部、制造厂、仓库和国防设施。如果我们是真正的小偷,我们就会获得高度敏感的国家机密,窃取数十亿美元,并通过窃取人们的身份和泄露他们最敏感的信息,破坏数百万人的生活。我们非常成功,以至于联邦调查局最近邀请我去他们的行为分析部门培训新特工。我还与执法部门合作,使用人类黑客技术通过我创建的非营利组织“无辜生命基金会”在网上抓捕恋童癖者。

In the ten years that we’ve been in business, my firm has used the principles of social engineering to send 14 million phishing emails and more than 45,000 voice-phishing phone calls. We’ve broken into hundreds of servers, and physically compromised dozens of the world’s most tightly guarded corporate and government facilities, including banks, corporate headquarters, manufacturing facilities, warehouses, and defense installations. If we’d been real thieves, we’d have obtained highly sensitive state secrets, stolen untold billions, and wreaked havoc on millions of lives by stealing people’s identities and leaking their most sensitive information. We’ve been so successful that the FBI has recently invited me to train new agents in their Behavioral Analysis Unit. I’ve also partnered with law enforcement and used human hacking techniques to catch pedophiles online through a nonprofit I created, the Innocent Lives Foundation.

我和我的团队认为,入侵人类是一种超能力,一种心理武术,我们可以利用它让遇到的人做几乎任何我们想做的事情,让他们自我感觉更好——也让我们自己感觉更好——这个过程。从某种程度上说,我们是在欺骗别人,但更根本的是,我们是在利用精心磨练的同理心和社交智慧来为自己谋利。运用心理学的洞察力,我们密切关注人们的想法和感受,并利用这些信息来推动他们,让他们愿意遵从我们的要求。如果使用得当,社会工程学可以让别人通过帮助我们而感到更快乐、更平静、更强大,自我感觉也 更好。他们从我们这里得到了这个小小的情感“礼物”,他们自然而然地回报我们,给我们我们想要的东西。这一切都发生在几分钟愉快的谈话中。

My team and I think of hacking humans as a super power, a psychological martial art, that we can use to get people we meet to do almost anything we want, and feel better about themselves—and us—in the process. In some ways we’re tricking people, but more fundamentally we’re wielding finely honed empathy and social savvy to our advantage. Applying insights from psychology, we cue in closely to how people are thinking and feeling, and use that information to nudge them so that they want to comply with our requests. Used correctly, social engineering enables others to feel happier, calmer, stronger, and just better about themselves by helping us out. They get this small, emotional “gift” from us, and they naturally return the favor, giving us what we want. All in the course of a few minutes of pleasant conversation.

日常生活中的黑客攻击

Hacking Humans in Everyday Life

想象一下,如果你能在个人和职业生活中运用这些技能,那当然是可以的。不久前,我和妻子、女儿在伦敦希思罗机场等飞机。我拖着一辆堆满行李的推车,当我走近值机柜台时,推车撞到了一个凸起,一些行李掉了下来。我注意到伦敦的一条主要高速公路名为 M5,于是开玩笑说:“哦,M5 上发生了一起美国大事故。”柜台后面的女士笑了,于是我对自己说:“好吧,太好了。至少她心情很好。”

Imagine that you could harness these skills in your personal and professional life. You can. Not long ago, my wife, daughter, and I were in London’s Heathrow Airport waiting for our plane. I was dragging around a cart piled high with our luggage, and as I approached the check-in counter, the cart hit a bump and some of the luggage fell off. Mindful that a major highway in London was named the M5, I made a joke: “Oh, a big American accident on the M5.” The lady behind the counter laughed, so I said to myself, “Okay, great. At least she’s in a good mood.”

我妻子和这位女士聊了几分钟。“在我们入住之前,”我妻子说,“我能告诉你吗,你的妆容非常完美,和你的围巾很相配。我很想买一条这样的围巾。有什么办法吗?”

My wife chatted with this woman for a few minutes. “Before we check in,” my wife said, “can I just tell you, your makeup is so immaculate, it matches your scarf beautifully. I’d love to buy one of those scarves. Is there any way I can do that?”

这位女士听到这句赞美的话很高兴,尤其是因为她可能在值班期间大部分时间都在处理那些压力大、心怀不满的乘客的请求。她和我的妻子又聊了几分钟关于围巾和化妆品的问题,登机口的服务员明显放松了下来——脸上露出了笑容,额头上的皱纹也舒展了,肩膀也放松了。我的妻子并没有试图她没有去讨好这个女人,也没有去夸赞她。她真的很喜欢这个女人的妆容,而且很乐意告诉她。这个女人能感觉到她的真实。

The woman was delighted at the compliment, not least because she’d probably been spending much of her shift until now taking requests from stressed and disgruntled passengers. She and my wife chatted for a few minutes more about scarves and makeup, and the gate attendant become visibly more relaxed—a smile on her face, the lines in her forehead easing, her shoulders relaxing. My wife wasn’t trying to butter this woman up, nor was she piling it on. She genuinely liked the woman’s makeup, and was happy to tell her so. The woman could sense her authenticity.

至于我,我感觉到了机会。我俯下身,搂住妻子,微笑着,同时稍微歪了歪头。“嘿,你知道吗,”我说,“在你为我们办理登机手续的时候,我在想……我知道我们可能负担不起,但你能不能直接告诉我们从经济舱升级要花多少钱?你知道,也许只是升级到高级经济舱之类的?”

As for me, I sensed an opportunity. Leaning over, I put my arm around my wife and smiled, while tilting my head slightly. “Hey, you know,” I said, “while you’re checking us in, I’m wondering . . . I know we probably can’t afford it, but is there any way you can just tell us how much it would cost to upgrade from economy? You know, maybe just to premium economy or something?”

她看着我的妻子,没有看我,低声说:“别告诉任何人。”她疯狂地敲打着键盘。“我要把你们三个都安排在头等舱。”

She looked at my wife, not at me, and whispered, “Don’t tell anyone.” She typed furiously on her keyboard. “I’m putting all three of you in first class.”

“什么???谢谢你,”我们说。“太棒了。”

“What??? Thank you,” we said. “That’s amazing.”

让我们分析一下这里发生的事情。每当我们第一次见到某人时,我们脑海中都会浮现出四个基本问题:

Let’s break down what happened here. Whenever we meet someone for the first time, four baseline questions pop into our minds:

  1. 这个人是谁?
  2. Who is this person?
  3. 这个人想要什么?
  4. What does this person want?
  5. 这次遭遇要持续多久?
  6. How long is this encounter going to take?
  7. 这个人是威胁吗?
  8. Is this person a threat?

如果你回想一下最近与某人见面的经历,这些问题对你来说肯定很重要,即使只是在你的意识背景中。要让初次见面的人为你做某事,你必须迅速而巧妙地回答这四个问题,这样他们才能放松并感到舒服。否则,你就完蛋了。你可以说任何你想说的话,他们会对你保持警惕,不愿意遵从。

If you think back to your most recent experience meeting someone, surely these questions were salient for you, even if only in the background of your awareness. To get a person you’re meeting for the first time to do something for you, you have to quickly and deftly answer these four questions for them so that they can relax and feel comfortable. Otherwise, you’re screwed. You can say whatever you want, and they’ll be wary of you and unenthusiastic about complying.

当我到达行李柜台时,服务员立即回答了我提出的四个问题中的三个,仅从社交背景和我的外表来看。我的推车里装满了行李,我几乎肯定是一名乘客,也几乎肯定想办理登机手续。我们的相遇很可能只需要几分钟,就像这些相遇通常一样。唯一没有回答的问题是第四个问题——我是一个威胁吗?很可能不是,但乘务员不能完全确定。也许我喝醉了,当被告知我不能得到过道座位时,我会大声喧哗。也许我没有喝醉,但仍然是一个讨厌航空公司、想找麻烦的好斗的混蛋。也许我感染了新冠肺炎,正准备对着她咳嗽,让她接触到这种疾病。

When I arrived at the baggage counter, three out of these four questions were immediately answered for the attendant, simply from the social context and the way I looked. With my cart full of bags, I was almost certainly a passenger, and I almost certainly wanted to check in. Our encounter would most likely only take a few minutes, as these encounters usually do. The only question that was not answered was the fourth one—was I a threat? Likely, I wasn’t, but the attendant couldn’t be absolutely sure. Maybe I was drunk and would become loud and violent when told I couldn’t get an aisle seat. Maybe I was not drunk, but still a belligerent jerk who hated the airline and was looking for trouble. Maybe I was sick with COVID-19 and was about to cough all over her and expose her to the illness.

当我讲出这个小笑话时,我帮她解决了问题#4。我实际上是在抛出一个我们称之为“口头垒球”的东西。我只是在乘务员和其他乘客的耳边抛出这个笑话,不知道谁会回应并“接住”这个垒球。无论谁回应,都会成为我的“目标”,或者我在这本书中也称之为我的“感兴趣的人”。乘务员回应是一个积极的发展,因为她有我想要的东西。我的笑话让我与她建立了一点点初步的融洽关系。她对这个笑话大笑,我们进行了眼神交流。对她来说,我不再是一个可能具有威胁性的陌生人,而是一个有趣、自嘲的美国人。我们有了一个好的开始。

When I told that little joke, I settled question #4 for her in my favor. I was in effect throwing up what we call a “verbal softball.” I just launched that joke with the attendant and other passengers within earshot, not knowing who would respond and “catch” the softball. Whoever did would become my “target,” or as I also call it in this book, my “person of interest.” That the attendant responded was a positive development, since she had something I wanted. My joke allowed me to build just a tiny bit of initial rapport with her. She laughed at the joke, and we made eye contact. To her, I was no longer a potentially threatening stranger, but rather a fun, self-deprecating American. We were off to a good start.

然后,我的妻子,真心祝福她,自发地做了一件了不起的事。她觉得很受感动,以一种不刻意或令人反感的方式称赞了那位女士,从而启动了我们所说的“喜欢原则”。说到影响力,我们倾向于喜欢喜欢我们的人。所以,除了认为我和我的家人没有威胁性之外,登机口服务员现在喜欢我们,或者至少喜欢我的妻子。我的妻子也与这位女士建立了一种共同理解——她们能够通过化妆和围巾进行交流。同时,赞美给服务员带来了化学刺激,导致她的大脑释放催产素和多巴胺,这两种分子分别能建立信任和产生愉悦感。

Then my wife, bless her heart, spontaneously did something amazing. She felt moved to compliment the woman, in a way that was not calculated or off-putting, setting in motion what we call “the liking principle.” When it comes to influence, we tend to like people who like us. So, in addition to seeing me and by implication my family as nonthreatening, the gate attendant now liked us, or at least my wife. My wife also built a sense of common understanding with this woman—they were able to connect over makeup and scarves. Meanwhile, the compliment gave the attendant a chemical boost, causing her brain to release oxytocin and dopamine, molecules that create trust and produce the feeling of pleasure, respectively.

在这种化学反应的混乱中,在这种充满联系、幸福和愉悦的小风暴中,我知道,我提出的任何不离谱的要求都更有可能得到积极的回应。在这种情况下,那位乘务员会更容易满足我的要求,她也确实这么做了。然后她更进一步,不向我们收费。我们给了她一份“礼物”,她也回赠了我们一份。

Amid this chemical soup, this mini-storm of connectedness, happiness, and pleasure, I knew that any request I made that was not outlandish would be more likely to elicit a positive response than it would otherwise. In that context, it would be easier for that attendant to honor my request, which she did. And then she took it a big step further by not charging us. We’d given her a “gift,” and she’d given us one in return.

我和我的学生都曾使用过这些和类似的技巧来获得座位升级、租车升级、抢手的餐厅预订以及许多其他好处。我们还用它们来修复家庭关系、在工作中获得大幅晋升、与难相处的同事打交道、结交新朋友、在鸡尾酒会和其他社交场合感到更自在等等。当然,我们也用它来保护自己免受那些可能操纵我们采取不符合我们最佳利益的行为的人的伤害。社会工程学是一种普遍适用的方法,掌握后,你将能够赢得朋友、影响他人并实现你可能拥有的大多数目标——所有这些都通过变得更友善、更有同理心和更乐于奉献来实现。

My students and I have used these and similar techniques to get seat upgrades, rental car upgrades, sought-after reservations to restaurants, and many other goodies. We’ve also used them to fix family relationships, get a big promotion at work, deal with difficult colleagues, make new friends, feel more comfortable at cocktail parties and in other social situations, and much more. Of course, we’ve also used it to protect ourselves against others who might like to manipulate us to take action that isn’t in our best interests. Social engineering is a generally applicable approach that, when mastered, will allow you to win friends, influence people, and achieve most goals you might have—all by being kinder, more empathetic, and more giving.

同理心是人类黑客行为的基础。流行文化经常将同理心描绘成天生的善,这种观点得到了西蒙·巴伦-科恩等心理学家的支持,他提出理论认为,残忍行为之所以可能,部分原因是缺乏同理心。3其他学者将同理心的存在与一系列负面现象联系起来,包括残忍和部落主义。4倾向于将同理心视为一个价值中立的概念,定义为想象性地融入他人的情感体验。犯罪黑客和骗子非常擅长换位思考,这是同理心的核心——他们只是恶意地利用它来为自己谋利。他们对别人的想法非常敏感,并利用这种敏感性说出或做出完全正确的事情来操纵他人。

Empathy in particular is foundational to human hacking. Popular culture often portrays empathy as inherently good, a view supported by psychologists such as Simon Baron-Cohen, who has theorized that cruelty is made possible in part by a relative lack of empathy.3 But other scholars have linked the presence of empathy to a range of negative phenomena, including cruelty and tribalism.4 I tend to regard empathy as a value-neutral concept, defined as the act of imaginatively inhabiting someone else’s emotional experience. Criminal hackers and con men are amazing at the perspective-taking that is at the core of empathy—they just deploy it maliciously to benefit themselves. They are keenly sensitive to what others are thinking, and they deploy that sensitivity to say or do exactly the right thing to manipulate others.

我们可以使用相同的同理心思维,但要更多地引导它积极地影响他人,让他们决定帮助我们,而不是通过操纵强迫他们这样做。我知道你会发现,采取同理心的飞跃会让我们更容易实现我们可能追求的任何目标。通过表现出同理心,我们也可以同时满足他人的需求,让他们因为遇见我们而变得更好。

We can use the same empathetic mindset, but channel it more positively, influencing others to decide to help us rather than forcing them to do so through manipulation. As I know you’ll find, taking the empathetic leap makes it far easier to achieve whatever goals we might be pursuing. By displaying empathy, we can simultaneously address others’ needs, too, leaving them better off for having met us.

如果这本书能给你带来什么收获,那就是培养同理心。我们所有人都能或多或少地同情他人,我们所有人都可以通过努力培养这种能力。事实上,我们将在以下章节中探讨的工具都是练习、引导和表达同理心的不同方式。通过掌握这些工具,你可以变得非常善于同理心,以至于它成为一种生活方式,一种你在生活中不自觉地立即运用的东西。你会惊讶地发现,实现目标变得多么容易,感觉也多么好。

If you take anything away from this book, make it the cultivation of an empathetic mindset. All of us can empathize with others to a greater or lesser extent, and all of us can cultivate that ability by working on it. In fact, the tools we’ll explore in the following chapters all amount to different ways of practicing, channeling, and expressing empathy. By mastering these tools, you can become so awesome at empathy that it becomes a way of being, something you instantly and unconsciously apply as you move through the world. You’ll be amazed at how much easier it is to achieve your goals, and how much better it feels.

你可能会惊讶地发现,像同情心这样仁慈的东西(加上我所说的善良、尊重和慷慨)背后隐藏着像黑客这样看似恶意的东西,但这是真的。更好地理解人们,更好地与他们沟通,更好地对待他们,你就会得到更多想要的东西,把社会工程学看作是礼貌询问、外交行为、理解他人并尊重他人需求、践行社交礼仪的艺术,所有这些都融入到一种强大的方法中,你可以随意调动它来达到你想要的任何目的。

It might surprise you to hear that something as benevolent as empathy (coupled, as I’m suggesting, with a serious dose of kindness, respect, and generosity) underlies something as seemingly malevolent as hacking, but it’s true. Understand people better, communicate with them better, treat them better, and you’ll get more of what you want, too. Think of social engineering as the art of asking nicely, of behaving diplomatically, of reading others and respecting their needs, of practicing the social niceties, all rolled up into one powerful approach that you can mobilize at will to whatever end you choose.

关于本书

About this Book

几年前,当我注意到普通人花费数千美元来参加我的社会工程学课程时,我第一次意识到我需要写《人性 黑客》这本书,尽管这门课程是专门针对安全专业人士的。一位销售员参加这门课程是为了学习如何更有效地销售。一位尊巴舞教练参加这门课程是为了改善人际关系。一位高中老师参加这门课程是为了学习如何更有效地与学生互动。一位母亲参加这门课程是为了更多地走出自己的小圈子,更有效地与孩子互动。这些人都是从朋友那里听说这门课程的,并将它与自己的生活联系起来。

I first knew I needed to write Human Hacking a few years ago when I noticed that laypeople were spending thousands of dollars to take my social engineering course, even though it was marketed explicitly to security professionals. A salesman was taking it to learn to sell more effectively. A Zumba instructor was taking it to improve personal relationships. A high school teacher was taking it to learn how to engage more fruitfully with her students. A mom was taking it to come out of her shell more and engage more effectively with her kids. These people had all heard about the course from friends and made the connection with their own lives.

出于好奇,我在课程结束后跟踪了这些人,发现他们通过入侵人类取得了巨大的、甚至改变人生的成果。他们在事业上取得了进步,巩固了恋爱关系,更好地养育了孩子——你能想到的都有。这些学生中有很多是内向的人,刚上我的课时非常害羞。一周后,我让他们跑遍了整个城市,向完全陌生的人问大胆的问题。在接下来的几周和几个月里,他们结交了新朋友,与同事建立了联系,并以他们从未想象过的其他方式与世界互动。

Curious, I followed up with these people after the course was over, and found that they were achieving epic, even life-changing results by hacking humans. They were getting ahead in their careers, solidifying their romantic relationships, parenting their kids better—you name it. Many of these students were introverts who were painfully shy when they first came to my class. A week later, I had them running around the city asking bold questions of complete strangers. Over the following weeks and months, they were making new friends, networking with colleagues, and engaging with the world in other ways that they never would have imagined.

这是一个艰难的时代,人类的生活也因此变得艰难。科技让我们比以往任何时候都更加孤立,社交也更加尴尬(而像 COVID-19 这样的流行病也无济于事)。我们生活在自己的社交小圈子里,不愿意联系与我们周围的人沟通。部落主义加剧了这个问题:整个类别的人似乎与我们截然不同,以至于沟通似乎是不可能的。与此同时,随着长期存在的社会行为规则在我们眼前被摧毁,我们不再清楚应该如何与同事、在社交活动中遇到的人、异性甚至我们的孩子沟通。

These are difficult times in which to live as a human being. Technology has rendered us more isolated from one another and more socially awkward than ever before (and pandemics like COVID-19 don’t help, either). We live in our little social bubbles, reluctant to connect with people in our immediate vicinity. Tribalism compounds the problem: entire categories of people seem so different from us that communication seems impossible. Meanwhile, as long-standing rules for social conduct are demolished before our eyes, it’s no longer clear how we should communicate with our work colleagues, people we meet at social events, members of the opposite sex, or even our kids.

所有这些发展可能让我们在与他人交流时感到无能为力、不安全和焦虑。但是,如果我们学会了如何入侵人类,我们就可以重新获得一些这种能力。我们可以学会比以前更好地理解他人及其情绪,从而在与他们打交道时变得更加明智。我们可以更巧妙地处理与他人的冲突,甚至可以更好地防止冲突的发生。我们可以以看似自然合理而不是令人不快的方式提出我们想要和需要的东西。我们可以在机会出现时发现它们,得到更多我们想要的东西(就像我在希思罗机场所做的那样)。我们可以学会保护自己免受恶意黑客和诈骗者的侵害,让自己在任何情况下都感到更加平静和自信。至关重要的是,我们可以学会更加自觉地了解自己的交流方式。当我们确实犯下社交错误时——正如我们将看到的,即使是最熟练的黑客也会犯错——我们可以从中吸取教训,并在未来做得更好。

All of these developments may leave us feeling powerless, insecure, and anxious when communicating with others. But if we learn how to hack humans, we can regain some of this power. We can learn how to read people and their emotions better than before, and thus become wiser when dealing with them. We can handle conflict with others more adroitly, and even better, prevent it from arising in the first place. We can ask for what we want and need in ways that seem natural and reasonable instead of off-putting. We can spot opportunities when they arise, getting more of what we want (as I did at Heathrow Airport). We can learn to protect ourselves against malicious hackers and scam artists, allowing ourselves to feel calmer and more confident in any situation. Critically, we can learn to become far more self-aware about how we’re communicating. When we do commit social miscues—and as we’ll see, even the most masterful hackers do—we can learn from them and get better going forward.

本书的各章将带您了解每一位人类黑客专家都知道和精通的主题。我们从一个强大的工具开始,您可以使用它来帮助您更好地理解沟通模式——您自己的和他人的。毕竟,如果您了解您生活中的某个人可能会对什么做出反应,您就可以相应地调整您的沟通方式,使其更加有效。后续章节将教您如何:

The chapters in this book take you through the topics that every expert hacker of humans knows and masters. We start with a powerful tool you can use to help you understand communications patterns better—your own, and others’. After all, if you understand what a person in your life is likely to respond to, you can tailor your communications accordingly to be far more effective. Subsequent chapters teach you how to:

  • 与人建立融洽的关系;
  • establish rapport with people;
  • 为对话寻找有效的借口;
  • develop effective pretexts for conversations;
  • 影响人们按照你的吩咐做事;
  • influence people to do your bidding;
  • 让人们透露他们原本不愿意分享的信息;
  • get people to divulge information they might not otherwise feel comfortable sharing;
  • 保护自己免受潜在操纵者的侵害;
  • protect yourself against would-be manipulators;
  • 构建对话以使您更有可能成功;
  • frame conversations so that you are more likely to succeed;
  • 利用肢体语言发挥自己的优势;
  • use body language to your advantage; and
  • 提前规划重要的互动,整合本书涵盖的许多工具。
  • plan out important interactions in advance, integrating the many tools covered in this book.

逐一学习这些章节,花时间使用我提供的“任务”或练习来练习技能。只要你勤奋努力,短短几周内,你作为沟通者和影响者的能力就会得到提高。希望你能继续练习和提高,就像练习武术或乐器一样,要认识到,无论你有多好,你都永远不会“完成”。

Work through these chapters individually, taking time to practice the skills using the “missions” or exercises I provide. With diligence on your part, you should see improvement in your abilities as a communicator and influencer within just a few weeks. Hopefully, you’ll continue practicing and improving much as you would with a martial art or a musical instrument, recognizing that as good as you might get, you’re never “done.”

你也可以用这本书来准备生活中特定的“重大”对话,比如工作面试、谈判,或者与同事或爱人的艰难对话。你不必冷冰冰地进行这样的对话,而是有一整套可以依靠的工具,以及一个计划和知识和精通带来的信心。阅读每一章时,都要考虑到你即将进行的互动,思考如何将相关技能应用于这一特定的“黑客人类”挑战。然后使用本书的最后一章制定一个详细的计划来应对它。如果你曾经尝试过为重大对话做准备,我想你会发现这本书将帮助你将准备工作和信心提升到一个全新的水平。

You can also use this book to prepare for specific, “big” conversations in your life, like a job interview, a negotiation, or a difficult conversation with a colleague or loved one. Instead of going into such conversations cold, you’ll have a whole set of tools to fall back on, as well as a plan and the confidence that comes with knowledge and mastery. Read each chapter with your upcoming interaction in mind, thinking how you might apply the skills in question to this particular “hacking humans” challenge. Then use the book’s final chapter to map out a detailed plan for how you’ll handle it. If you’ve ever tried to prepare for a big conversation before, I think you’ll find that this book will help you take your readiness—and your confidence—to a whole new level.

我只有一个要求:不要作恶。你能做到吗?当你读完这本书并开始练习其中的技巧时,你很快就会明白你拥有的这种新超能力的潜力。正在培养。像任何超能力一样,黑客攻击人类既可用于善,也可用于恶。当黑客攻击用于恶时,对个人和社会的影响可能是毁灭性的。考虑到这些影响,我和我的团队严格遵守正式的道德准则。道德准则有很多部分,但本质上,我们不会为了入侵服务器或安全位置而违法。*我们不会告诉全世界我们发现的漏洞。我们不会威胁他人或使用其他导致他们受苦的操纵手段。在每一次互动中,我们都会让别人因为认识我们而变得更好。

I just have one request of you: Don’t Be Evil. Can you manage that? As you read this book and begin practicing its techniques, you will quickly understand the potential of this new super power you are cultivating. Like any super power, hacking humans can be used for good and for evil. And when it’s used for evil, the effects both on individuals and society can be devastating. Mindful of these effects, my team and I adhere strictly to a formal code of ethics. There are a number of parts to it, but in essence, we won’t break the law in order to hack into a server or secure location.* We won’t tell the world about the vulnerabilities we uncover. We won’t threaten people or use other manipulative tactics that cause them to suffer. We will, in every interaction we have, leave others better for having met us.

在我的课程中,我会先让学生同意遵守此道德准则,然后再向他们传授本书的内容。在与您分享此道德准则时,我要求您阅读本书开头的道德准则并同意遵守。我们中没有人是完美的,但我相信绝大多数读者都会以某种方式攻击人类,而这些方式确实会让其他人因为与我们相遇而受益。少数读者可能会将我的技术用于不道德或犯罪的目的,但总的来说,传播我们的黑客技术将使世界变得更友善、更体贴、更有同情心、更受欢迎。对于每一个心怀恶意的人,有一千人会利用这本书变得更成功、更快乐,同时也以他们喜欢的方式对待他人。

In my courses, I have students agree to this code of ethics before I teach them the material in this book. In sharing it with you, I ask that you read the code of ethics at the beginning of this book and agree to abide by it. None of us are perfect, but I believe that the vast majority of readers will hack humans in ways that do leave others better off for having met us. A few readers might put my techniques to immoral or criminal ends, but on balance, spreading our hacking techniques will make the world kinder, more considerate, more empathetic, and more welcoming. For every person with ill intent, a thousand will use this book to become more successful and happier while also treating others in ways that they like, too.

成为那一千人中的一员。如果你一直在努力在生活的某个领域取得进步,或者你只是想在现有的成功基础上更进一步,那么这就是你一直在等待的那本书。学习技能,练习它们,掌握它们。帮你自己和我们其他人一个忙。振作起来,停止懈怠,开始黑客攻击。人类就是这样。

Be one of that thousand. If you’ve been struggling to get ahead in any area of your life, or if you simply want to build on your existing success, this is the book you’ve been waiting for. Learn the skills, practice them, and master them. Do yourself and the rest of us a favor. Get off your butt, stop slacking, and start hacking. Humans, that is.

第 1 章

认识自己,才能认识他人

Chapter 1

Know Yourself, so You Can Know Others

更加了解您和您生活中的“感兴趣的人”之间的关系。

Become more aware of how you and “persons of interest” in your life tick.

在你掌握破解他人的艺术和科学之前,你必须先破解自己。也就是说,你必须了解自己的沟通模式,这样你才能调整自己,以适应可能不利于你的倾向。随着你变得更加自我意识,你可以通过考虑他人的个性和他们喜欢的沟通方式,将你的沟通提升到一个新的水平。根据你生活中每个特定的“感兴趣的人”——你的老板、你的配偶、你的孩子、你偶然遇到的陌生人、任何人——量身定制你所说的话,无论你的目标是什么,都可以最大限度地提高你成功的机会。

Before you can master the art and science of hacking other humans, you must first hack yourself. That is, you have to understand your own communications patterns, so that you can adjust for tendencies that might not be working to your advantage. As you become more self-aware, you can take your communications to the next level by considering others’ personalities and the communications styles they favor. Tailoring what you say to each particular “person of interest” in your life—your boss, your spouse, your kids, strangers you happen to meet, anybody at all—maximizes your chances of success, no matter what your objective might be.

2018 年,一名诈骗者说服加拿大渥太华市财务主管 Marian Simulik 向一名虚假供应商汇款近 10 万美元。该诈骗者实施了网络钓鱼攻击,发送了一封电子邮件,据称是来自城市经理兼 Simulik 的老板 Steve Kanellakos 的邮件,要求她汇款。实际上,这是一种特殊的网络钓鱼攻击,专门针对组织内部的重要人物——我们称之为“捕鲸”攻击(明白了吗?捕鲸?)。以下是电子邮件的内容:

In 2018, a scammer convinced Marian Simulik, the treasurer of the city of Ottawa, Canada, to wire almost $100,000 to a phony vendor. The scammer deployed a phishing attack, sending an email that purported to be from Steve Kanellakos, the city manager and Simulik’s boss, asking her to wire the money. Actually, this was a particular kind of phishing attack, one that individually targets an important person inside of an organization—what we call a “whaling” attack (get it? Whaling?). Here’s what the email said:

好的,我希望你能亲自处理此事,我刚刚得知,一家新的国际供应商接受了我们的报价,以完成一项我已经私下谈判了一段时间的收购,根据商定的条款,我们需要支付总额的 30% 的首付,即 97,797.20 美元。目前正在起草一份公告,交易完成后将于下周公布,目前我不想透露更多细节。在我们正式宣布收购之前,我不希望你与办公室的任何人讨论此事,如有任何问题,请给我发电子邮件。你能确认今天早上是否可以进行国际电汇吗?1

Okay, I want you to take care of this for me personally, I have just been informed that we have had an offer accepted by a new international vendor, to complete an acquisition that i have been negotiating privately for some time now, in line with the terms agreed, we will need to make a down payment of 30% of their total, Which will be $97,797.20. An announcement is currently being drafted and will be announced next week, once the deal has been executed, for now I don’t want to go into any more details. Until we are in a position to formally announce the acquisition, I do not want you discussing it with anybody in the office, any question please email me. Can you confirm if international wire transfer can go out this morning?1

您会上当受骗吗?这封电子邮件构思巧妙,运用了许多强大的技巧,我们将在本书后面讨论。在讨论这些技巧之前,让我们先考虑一下这封邮件是如何巧妙地考虑到 Simulik 的。如果您必须猜测,您可能会认为负责处理数百万美元纳税人资金的城市财务主管会是一个勤奋、认真的人——非常注重隐私、纪律严明、有条不紊。这是一种刻板印象,但大多数刻板印象至少包含一定程度的真理。如果您是骗子,那么一个真理就是您所需要的。

Would you have fallen for this scam? The email was well conceived, deploying a number of powerful techniques we’ll discuss later in this book. Before we get to those, let’s consider how adroitly this message was framed with Simulik in mind. If you had to guess, you’d probably assume that a city treasurer responsible for handling millions of dollars in taxpayer money would be a diligent, conscientious person—very private, disciplined, systematic. It’s a stereotype, but most stereotypes contain at least a kernel of truth. If you’re a scammer, a kernel is all you need.

在这种情况下,诈骗者写这条信息是为了吸引一个勤奋、认真的人。语言准确,传达了与明显交易相关的、可信的事实。语气严肃,公事公办——不要在这里谈论孩子或 LOL。诈骗的借口——Kanellakos 一直在“私下”谈判一项敏感交易——是一个严谨、克制、注重隐私的人很容易“明白”的借口。第一行要求 Simulik“亲自帮我处理 [接线]”,暗示手头的事情极其敏感,需要谨慎和判断。Kanellakos 提出这个要求表明他信任财务主管和她的判断,而不是其他团队成员的判断。在后面的信息中,骗子要求 Simulik 谨慎行事,不要“与办公室里的任何人”讨论这个非常敏感的问题。他知道她很认真,并欣赏她的这一点。虽然骗子(冒充 Kanellakos)说 Simulik 可以随时给他发电子邮件,但他表示他“不想再说更多细节”——正是因为他也很严谨、专业和认真。

In this case, the scammer wrote this message to appeal to a diligent, conscientious person. The language is precise, conveying relevant and believable facts about the apparent deal. The tone is serious and businesslike—no chatting about the kids or LOLs here. The scam’s pretext—that Kanellakos has been “privately” negotiating a sensitive deal—is something a precise, restrained, private person would readily “get.” The first line asks Simulik to “take care of [the wiring] for me personally,” suggesting that the matter at hand is extremely sensitive and requires discretion and judgment. That Kanellakos is making this request at all suggests that he trusts the treasurer and her judgment over that of other team members. Later in the message, the scammer asks Simulik to show discretion and not discuss this very sensitive matter “with anybody in the office.” He knows she’s conscientious and appreciates that about her. Although the scammer (impersonating Kanellakos) says that Simulik can feel free to email him, he indicates that he doesn’t “want to go into any more details”—precisely because he, too, is precise, professional, and conscientious.

骗子可能不知道财务主管是个特别认真的人。很有可能,他从未见过她或以其他方式与她互动。联邦调查局实际上抓住了这个骗子,原来他是住在几千英里之外的佛罗里达州的某个人。2这个骗子可能以前见过财务主管类型的人,并对这个城市财务主管做出了有根据的猜测。如果他错了,而这个财务主管不是特别认真、保密或勤奋,那么这封电子邮件很可能听起来是假的,她会把它当作欺诈行为。事实证明,骗子是对的,她上当了。

The scammer probably didn’t know that the treasurer was a particularly conscientious person. Chances are, he had never met her or otherwise interacted with her. The FBI actually caught this scammer, who turned out to be some guy living in Florida, thousands of miles away.2 This scammer probably had met treasurer types before and taken an educated guess about this city treasurer. If he had been wrong, and this treasurer had not been especially conscientious, private, or diligent, the email likely would have rung false, and she would have spotted it as a fraud. As it turned out, the scammer was right, and she fell for it.

想想这种攻击的威力。Simulik 并不是这个行业的新手。正如一份报纸报道的那样,她是一名有 28 年经验的老手,也是一名“备受尊敬的高级经理”。此外,在收到这封电子邮件之前不久,Simulik 还收到了另一封看似来自市图书馆馆长的索要钱财的电子邮件,他们意识到这是诈骗。然而这一次 Simulik 还是上当了。由于骗子贪婪,骗局才被迅速发现。Simulik 汇款几天后,她又收到一封要求更多钱的邮件。随后的邮件促使她与城市经理聊天,并了解到她被骗了。

Think about the power of this kind of attack. Simulik wasn’t a newbie on the job. She was a twenty-eight-year veteran and a “highly respected senior manager,” as a newspaper account reported. Also, not long before receiving this email, Simulik had received another email asking for money that appeared to be from the head of the city library, and that they recognized was fraudulent. And yet this time Simulik had still fallen for it. The scam was only discovered promptly because the scammer got greedy. Days after Simulik had wired the money, she received another email asking for even more money. That subsequent email prompted her to chat with the city manager and learn that she’d been scammed.

这对我们都很重要。首先,也是最明显的一点,当收到电子邮件请求时,不要自动发送电汇。一定要亲自跟进。其次,当向某人提出请求时,一定要考虑他们的沟通风格和偏好,并据此调整你的表达方式。

There are important lessons here for us all. First, and most obviously, don’t automatically send a wire transfer when requested by email. Always follow up personally. And second, when making a request of someone, always consider their communications style and preferences and tailor what you say accordingly.

认识你自己

Know Thyself

实际上,如果你想想骗子的想法,我们还可以得到第三条智慧: 了解自己的个性,确保不要让它妨碍您的沟通目标。

Actually, if you think about what was likely going through the scammer’s mind, there’s a third piece of wisdom here for us: Know your own personality and be sure not to let it impede your communications goals.

我的公司正在为安全行业的人们举办一场新会议——这对我们来说是一件大事。我们有几个月的准备时间,但我需要我的员工全力以赴,尤其是我的助理 Shayna。我与他人互动时的自然倾向是直言不讳,像教官一样命令他们。我倾向于脱口而出想法,而不考虑周围的人会有什么感受。人们说我强势、自信、直率——他们只是善意的。我也听到过有人用“混蛋”这样的词来形容我。在这种情况下,我可能会走到她的办公桌前说:“嘿。我们需要这次会议取得成功,所以和其他人一样,你必须努力工作。这意味着在我们需要的时候要加班,周末也要加班。加油,好吗?别让我失望!”

My company was launching a new conference for people in the security industry—a big deal for us. We had months to prepare, but I needed my people all in, especially Shayna, my assistant. My natural inclination when interacting with others is to be really blunt with them and order them around, drill sergeant–style. I tend to just blurt out thoughts, not considering how others around me might feel. People have called me forceful, confident, blunt—and they were being charitable. I’ve heard words like “jerk” leveled at me, too. In this instance, I might have gone up to her desk and said, “Hey. We need this conference to succeed, so like everyone else, you’re going to have to work your butt off. That means staying late when we need it and working weekends. Do it, okay? Don’t disappoint me!”

对于大多数员工来说,以这种方式提出的要求不会让人产生太大的激励。相反,它会让人反感。幸运的是,我没有以这种方式向 Shayna 提出要求。大约十年前,我开始更加了解自己的个性和沟通风格,包括好的、坏的和丑陋的。这是我第一次进行为期一周的培训我是一名社会工程学老师,而且名副其实,我像一名训练军士一样领导着整个班级——冲着大家大喊大叫,命令他们,展现权威。这让我很累,可能也让我的学生很恼火。

For most employees, a request proffered in this way wouldn’t be terribly motivating. On the contrary, it would be off-putting. Fortunately, I didn’t ask Shayna in this way. About a decade ago, I became more aware of my own personality and communications style, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I was giving my first-ever week-long training on social engineering, and true to form, was leading the class like a drill sergeant—shouting at people, ordering them around, projecting authority. It was exhausting for me, and probably annoying for my students.

我的朋友 Robin Dreeke 是畅销书作家,也是前 FBI 行为专家,他和我一起教这门课,课后他把我拉到一边说:“老兄,你必须改变你的训练方式。你现在只是到处发号施令。”起初我不同意他的观点,但因为我尊重他,所以我听从了他的建议,不再发号施令。这带来了巨大的改变。学生们坐在课堂上时真的面带微笑。他们参与度更高。他们似乎更渴望吸收材料。哇,我想,这很有影响力。

My friend Robin Dreeke, bestselling author and former FBI behavioral expert, was co-teaching this class with me, and afterward he pulled me aside and said, “Dude, you’ve got to change your training style. You’re just barking orders out left and right.” I disagreed with him at first, but because I respected him, I took his advice and stopped barking out orders. What a difference that made. Students actually smiled as they sat in class. They participated more. They seemed more eager to absorb the material. Wow, I thought, this is powerful.

随着时间的推移,我调整了自己的沟通方式,摆脱了教练的形象,变得更加外向、愉快和轻松。我也变得更加注意自己每时每刻在说什么、怎么说以及别人怎么表达。我开始更加专注于了解别人的个性,并据此制定自己的沟通方式。我是否成为了更有效的人类黑客?当然!

Over time, I adjusted my communications style, ditching the drill sergeant persona and becoming much more outgoing, jovial, and lighthearted. I also became much more aware minute to minute of what I was saying, how I was saying it, and how it was coming across. I started to focus more intently on understanding other people’s personalities and crafting my communications accordingly. Did I become far more effective as a hacker of humans? Heck, yeah!

我没有命令谢娜尽最大努力,而是考虑了她的个性和可能吸引她的沟通方式,就像渥太华骗子对他的目标所做的那样。我的优势在于我非常了解谢娜——我不会做太多的猜测。我知道她很认真、很有条理、很注重隐私,就像骗子认为他的目标一样。她喜欢有界限,喜欢远离聚光灯。所以,我采取非常私密、个人化的姿态可能会最有效——肯定比我公开赞扬她,然后要求她尽最大努力更有效。

Instead of ordering Shayna to put in her best effort, I thought about her personality and the communications style that would likely appeal to her, just like the Ottawa scammer had done for his target. I had an advantage in that I knew Shayna quite well—I wasn’t taking much of a guess. I knew she was conscientious, very organized, and private, like the scammer assumed his target was. She liked boundaries and preferred to stay out of the limelight. So, a very private, personal gesture on my part would likely prove most effective—certainly more so than my lavishing public praise on her, say, and then asking her to please put in her best effort.

我给 Shayna 买了一张我知道她喜欢的商店的礼品卡,并附上一张便条,感谢她为我带来的专业精神来到我们公司,告诉她这带来了多大的变化。我提到我们的会议即将召开,我真的需要她继续做好她一直以来的工作。

I bought Shayna a gift card for a store I knew she liked, attaching a personal note thanking her for all the professionalism she has brought to our company, and telling her what a difference it has made. I mentioned that our conference was coming up, and that I really needed her to continue doing the great job she had been doing.

谢娜很喜欢这个举动。这个举动让她很感动,激励她继续努力工作。从表面上看,即使我给她一张百万美元的支票,她也不会那么积极。这一切都是因为我意识到了自己最糟糕的冲动,决心避开它们,考虑到我的“对象”的个性,并相应地调整了我的沟通方式。

Shayna loved it. The gesture touched her and inspired her to keep working hard. By all appearances, I could have handed her a million-dollar check and she wouldn’t have been as motivated. All because I had been aware of my own worst impulses, had resolved to bypass them, had taken into account the personality of my “subject,” and had shaped my communications accordingly.

除非你至少对自己的沟通倾向(优点和缺点)有所了解,并养成了发现那些你需要影响的人的相关性格特征的习惯,否则你不可能成为一名有效的人类黑客。如果我试图闯入一家大公司的总部,并采用直率的训练中士风格(例如,假装我是另一个办公室的高级管理人员,并命令警卫让我进去,尽管我没有徽章),这可能会引起一些对这种风格反应良好的安全人员的共鸣。但对于许多不这样做的人来说,这几乎肯定会适得其反。因此,我会立即将成功的机会限制在 50%(或更低)。此外,通过以自己的风格进行交流,我没有考虑使用我将在本书后面分享的工具来设计对我有利的互动。我犯愚蠢错误的可能性增加了。

You can’t become an effective hacker of humans unless you’ve developed at least some awareness of your own communications tendencies—your strengths and weaknesses—and have developed the habit of uncovering relevant personality traits of those you need to influence. If I were trying to break into the headquarters of a big company, and I deployed my blunt, drill sergeant style (for instance, pretending that I was a senior executive from another office, and ordering the guards to let me in even though I didn’t have a badge), that might resonate with some security personnel who react well to that style. But it would almost certainly backfire with many others who don’t. So I would instantly be limiting my chances of success to just 50 percent (or less). In addition, by jumping in and communicating in my own style, I’m not giving any thought to crafting the interaction to my benefit, using the tools I’ll share later in this book. I’m increasing my chances of making a dumb mistake.

在日常生活中,我们忽视了自己自然喜欢的沟通方式,这导致了难以言喻的问题。我公司的一位前员工——我叫她卡米拉——和我一起工作了多年。在那段时间里,我们大部分时间都很难相处,我不知道为什么。原来我们的沟通风格完全不同。因为我对人很直接,卡米拉经常把我看作一个十足的混蛋。同时,她更喜欢更加谨慎地沟通,在说话前先仔细思考她的想法。由于她没有对我的讲话做出迅速而果断的反应,我经常认为她对她的工作和我们的业务完全漠不关心。

In our daily lives, our obliviousness to how we naturally like to communicate leads to untold problems. A former employee at my company—I’ll call her Camilla—and I worked together closely for years. For much of that time, we struggled to get along with one another, and I wasn’t sure why. It turned out that our communications styles were completely different. Because I was so direct with people, Camilla often saw me as a complete jerk. Meanwhile, she preferred to communicate more deliberately, thinking her ideas through first before speaking. Because she didn’t react quickly and decisively to what I was saying, I often viewed her as being completely apathetic about her work and our business.

日复一日,我们各执一词。有一次,我们必须为公司选择医疗保健计划,我做了一些研究,非常确定要采用哪种计划。我给她发了一封简短的电子邮件,概述了我的逻辑,并询问她的想法。几分钟后,我打电话给她,问她是否收到了电子邮件。“是的,”她说,“我现在正在看。”

Day after day, we talked at cross purposes with one another. On one occasion, when we had to choose a health care plan for our company, I did some research and was pretty sure about which plan I wanted us to go with. I sent her a short email outlining my logic and asking her what she thought. A few minutes later, I called her up and asked if she got the email. “Yep,” she said, “I’m reading it now.”

“所以你怎么看”

“So what do you think”

暂停。

Pause.

“好的,”我说,“我要走这条路,可以吗?”

“Okay,” I said. “I’m going to go this route, okay?”

“我想你可以……[停顿]……如果你想要表现得像个混蛋的话。”

“I guess you can . . . [pause] . . . if you want to be a jerk about it.”

“太好了,谢谢,这就是我所需要的。”

“Great, thanks, that’s all I need.”

点击。

Click.

那天晚些时候,我得知她对我很生气。我不明白为什么——我问过她的意见,她也说是的。当我问她时,她解释说我没有给她任何时间阅读电子邮件并做出深思熟虑的决定。“我说如果你想当个混蛋,你可以。”

Later that day, I learned that she was upset at me. I couldn’t understand why—I had asked her opinion, and she had said yes. When I asked her, she explained that I hadn’t given her any time to read the email and make a thoughtful decision. “I said you could, if you wanted to be a jerk.”

“我没听到‘如果你想成为一个混蛋’这句话,”我说。

“I didn’t hear the ‘if you wanted to be a jerk part,’” I said.

“你永远听不到那部分。”

“You never hear that part.”

她是对的,我却不这么认为。我也不明白她是否真的关心我们的公司,是否做出了正确的决定——她只是需要更多的时间思考后再说出来。

She was right, I didn’t. And I also didn’t get that she really did care about our company and making the right decision—she just needed more time to think before speaking up.

当你与配偶、同事、朋友或生活中的其他人相遇时,你可能怀着最好的意图。你可能努力沟通,进行一场精彩的对话。然而,你可能会发现你无法沟通,对方没有完全理解你所说的话,或者他们变得心烦意乱。也许对方心情不好,影响了他们听到的内容。也许你对他们或他们的经历缺乏了解,无意中冒犯了他们。但也许你与他们沟通的方式与他们倾向于沟通的方式不一致。在很多情况下,这种不匹配使我们的关系更加困难,并给我们带来无尽的焦虑和痛苦。

You might have the best of intentions when you have an encounter with a spouse, colleague, friend, or someone else in your life. You might be trying hard to communicate well and have an awesome conversation. And yet, you might find that you’re failing to connect, that the other person isn’t quite getting what you said, or that they’re becoming upset. Perhaps this other person is in a bad mood, and it’s coloring what they hear. Perhaps you lack some context about them or their experiences, and you inadvertently offend them. But perhaps the way you are communicating with them doesn’t conform well with how they’re inclined to communicate. In so many cases, such mismatches make our relationships more difficult and cause us untold angst and pain.

不了解我们自己的沟通倾向也会让我们容易受到他人的不良影响。我十五岁时,我们家从纽约州北部搬到了宾夕法尼亚州,然后又搬到了佛罗里达州。我当时脸色苍白,但和许多十几岁的男孩一样,渴望给女孩们留下深刻印象。想象一下,在一个寒冷的一月天,我和一群女孩躺在沙滩上,旁边是一堆火。所有的男孩都在海里冲浪。“啊啊啊,”我心想,“这里是天堂。这些宝贝都属于我了。”然后,其中一个男孩走进来对我说:“嘿,克里斯,你是要像个懦夫一样坐在那里,还是要像我们其他人一样划船出去?”

Failing to understand our own communications tendencies also leaves us vulnerable to being influenced by others in unfortunate ways. When I was fifteen, my family moved from upstate New York to Pennsylvania and then down to Florida. I was pale as a lightbulb but, like many teenage boys, eager to impress the ladies. Picture me and a bunch of girls lying on the sand one cold January day by a fire. All of the guys are out surfing in the water. “Ahhh,” I think to myself, “this is paradise. I’ve got all these babes to myself.” Then one of the guys comes in and says to me, “Hey, Chris, you gonna sit there like a wimp, or are you gonna paddle out like the rest of us?”

现在,这天的海水不仅冰冷,而且波涛汹涌——海浪高达六到八英尺。我以前从未冲浪过,一点儿也没有。如果我答应,我可能会蒙受羞辱。“下次吧,”我说。“我没有泳衣。”

Now, the water on this day isn’t just frigid, but rough—six- to eight-foot seas. I haven’t surfed before, not even a little bit. If I say yes, I’ll open myself up to likely humiliation. “Some other time,” I say. “I don’t have a bathing suit.”

“你穿着内裤吗?”孩子说。

“You have underwear on?” the kid says.

“嗯,是的。”

“Well, yeah.”

“进去吧。”

“Go in that.”

我转身背对女孩们,脱下衣服,只剩内衣,跳进水里。我抓起一块冲浪板,把绳子绑在脚踝上,然后跳入水中。除了冰冷刺骨之外,水面还波涛汹涌——海浪冲击着我,把我打得东倒西歪。我勉强能游出三十英尺,甚至觉得自己可能会淹死在浅水里。我知道,在这些女孩面前,我笨手笨脚,很丢脸。最后,一个男人游过来把我拖了出来,让我更加尴尬。

Turning away from the girls, I strip down to my underwear and make for the water. I grab a board, strap on its leash to my ankle, and hit the water. In addition to being freezing cold, it’s rough as heck—the waves slam into me, knocking me around. I can barely make it out thirty feet, and I even feel like I might drown in the shallow water. I know that in my awkwardness I’m humiliating myself in front of these girls. Finally, one of the guys swims over and tows me out, causing me even more embarrassment.

更远的地方,海浪比房子还大。我根本不应该在那里。但在其他人的怂恿下,我划向海浪。我设法站起来,但只是一秒钟,就失去了平衡。翻腾的海水冲击着我,把我重重地摔在沙洲上。当我设法浮出水面时,我喘着粗气,找不到内衣——海浪和沙洲的结合把它从我身上撕了下来。我四处寻找我的冲浪板,发现它被摔成了碎片。所以,想象一下我现在不得不赤身裸体、冰冷、苍白地走过那些我一直想打动的女孩们,这是多么丢脸的举动。

Farther out, the waves are coming in bigger than a house. There is no way I should be out there. But, egged on by the other guys, I paddle for a wave. I manage to stand up, but just for a second, before losing my balance. The churning water pummels me and smashes me down hard on a sandbar. When I manage to surface, I’m gasping and can’t find my underwear—the combination of wave and sandbar has ripped it off me. I look around for my board and find it smashed to pieces. So, picture me now having to make the walk of shame, buck naked, freezing cold, pasty white, past all of those girls I’ve been trying to impress.

这是一次史诗般的失败——我不仅被羞辱,还因为冷水而得了肺炎。我让这种不愉快的情况发生有两个原因。首先,我是一个充满雄性激素的青少年,没有朋友,却渴望交朋友。但第二,同样糟糕的是,我完全没有意识到自己的沟通倾向。作为一个喜欢主导、咄咄逼人的沟通方式的人,我倾向于很好地应对挑战。如果有人敢让我做某事,我就会上钩接受挑战。说服我跳入水中的那个人敢于挑战我——他暗示我“足够坚强”,还是我胆小?如果他以更安静的方式问我,我可能不会进去。如果他提出挑战,如果我足够了解自己,知道自己容易受到这种诱惑的影响,我可能也不会进去——我会做出更明智的决定,找到拒绝邀请的方法。由于我完全缺乏自我意识,这个男人竟然能够激起我的积极反应。我付出了代价。

It was an epic fail—not only was I humiliated, but I wound up catching pneumonia from the cold water. I allowed this unpleasant situation to unfold for two reasons. First, I was a testosterone-laden teenager who didn’t have any friends and was eager to make them. But second, and just as bad, I lacked any sense at all of my own communications proclivities. As someone who favors a dominant, aggressive style of communicating, I tend to respond well to challenges. If someone dares me to do something, I’m going to take the bait and accept the challenge. The guy who convinced me to jump into the water dared me—was I “tough enough,” he implied, or was I a wimp? If he had asked me in a quieter way, I probably wouldn’t have gone in. If he had levied the challenge, and if I understood myself well enough to know that I was susceptible to that kind of appeal, I also probably wouldn’t have gone in—I would have made a smarter decision and found a way to decline the invitation. Since I utterly lacked self-awareness, this other guy was able to trigger a favorable response in me. I paid the price.

四种类型的沟通者

Four Types of Communicators

当我培训人们成为安全专家时,我会向他们介绍一种经典的心理分析工具 DISC,他们可以使用它分析自己的沟通行为,并在对话前和对话中运用它快速判断其他人喜欢的沟通方式。尽管 DISC 既有支持者也有批评者,但许多公司在招聘员工和组建团队时都会使用它,牙科等专业领域的专家也提倡使用它。3理由充分:研究表明 DISC 既可靠又有用,可以提高人们的表现并使工作场所的互动更容易。4我的学生和我都同意这一点。当谈到职业和日常生活中的人类黑客行为时,DISC 是无价的,甚至是变革性的,无论它可能存在什么缺陷或局限性。

When I train people to become security experts, I introduce them to a classic psychological profiling tool called DISC, which they can use to analyze their own communications behavior, and which they can deploy before and during conversations to quickly size up how others prefer to communicate as well. Although DISC has both fans and critics, many companies use it when hiring employees and assembling teams, and experts in professional fields like dentistry have advocated for its use as well.3 There’s a good reason: research suggests that DISC is both reliable and helpful, increasing people’s performance and making workplace interactions easier.4 My students and I agree. When it comes to the hacking of humans, both professionally and in everyday life, DISC is invaluable and even transformative, regardless of whatever imperfections or limitations it might have.

DISC 是基于心理学家威廉·莫尔顿·马斯顿的开创性工作,他在 20 世纪 20 年代提出了这样一种观点,即我们可以根据人们表达情绪的方式将他们分为四种不同的“类型”。此后,五代心理学家根据马斯顿的模型开发并商业化了测试,人们可以通过这些测试来确定哪种类型最能描述他们。我的团队购买了这样一种测试,并将其纳入我们教授的社会工程课程中,让我们的学生获得对他们沟通方式的科学有效评估。正如我告诉我的学生,DISC 不是像更著名的迈尔斯-布里格斯评估那样的性格测试。相反,它帮助我们了解我们的沟通倾向,这可能反映了我们性格的元素。(毕竟,我们的性格不仅仅是由我们的自我表达来定义的。它们包括我们其他类型的行为,以及我们如何理解世界。)

DISC is based on the pioneering work of the psychologist William Moulton Marston, who, during the 1920s, came up with the idea that we can separate people into four distinct “types” based on how they tend to express their emotions.5 Generations of psychologists have since developed and commercialized tests based on Marston’s model that people can take to determine which type best describes them. My team buys one such test and incorporates it into the social engineering courses we teach, allowing our students to obtain a scientifically valid assessment of how they communicate. As I tell my students, DISC isn’t a personality test like the better-known Myers-Briggs assessment. Rather, it helps us understand our communications tendencies, which might reflect elements of our personalities. (Our personalities, after all, are defined by way more than our self-expression. They encompass other kinds of behavior on our part, as well as how we make sense of the world.)

我无法重现本书中使用的具体测试(我们的提供商会起诉我!),但我可以利用我的常识来告诉你 DISC 的要点。这应该足以帮助你更好地了解你如何沟通以及如何更好地与他人互动。特别是,让我们仔细看看这四种类型,以便你可以开始看到你和你周围的人如何映射到他们身上。我要首先强调的是,DISC 模型是价值中立的。这四种类型中没有一种比其他类型更好或更差。你不会因为你的交流符合既定模式而更聪明、更熟练或拥有一套特定的价值观。你只是以一种有优点和缺点的特定方式进行交流,这取决于社交环境和你与之互动的人。

I can’t reproduce the specific test we use in this book (our provider would sue me!), but I can draw on my general knowledge to give you the gist of DISC. That should be enough to help you understand better how you communicate and how you might better interact with others. In particular, let’s take a closer look at those four types, so that you can begin to see how you and others around you might map onto them. I’ll emphasize right up front that the DISC model is value neutral. No one type among the four is better or worse than any other. You’re not smarter or more skilled or possessed of a certain set of values just because your communications fall into a given pattern. You just communicate in a specific way that has advantages and drawbacks, depending on the social context and the people with whom you’re interacting.

有些人属于支配型 (D) 类型,他们自信且注重最终结果。其他人则以影响他人 (I) 为导向,他们是热情、乐观的合作者。第三组人以稳重型 (S) 而闻名,他们真诚、冷静且支持他人。最后,您属于尽责型 (C),像我的助手 Shayna 这样的人以有条理和务实而闻名。“D”和“I”类型的人倾向于更直接的沟通方式,而“C”和“S”类型的人则倾向于间接风格。“I”或“S”类型的人往往更注重与人沟通,而“D”和“C”类型的人更注重在沟通中完成任务。

Some people are Dominant (D) types—they’re confident and focused on bottom-line results. Others are oriented around Influencing others (I)—they’re enthusiastic, optimistic collaborators. A third group of people are known for their Steadiness (S)—they’re sincere, calm, and supportive of others. Finally, you have your Conscientious types (C), people like my assistant Shayna who are known for being organized and very factual. “D”s and “I”s tend to favor more direct communications styles, while “C” and “S” types favor indirect styles. Individuals who are “I” or “S” tend to focus on connecting with people more, while “D” and “C” types are more focused on getting things done in their communications.

为了帮助人们理解这四种类型,我发现将它们与名人联系起来会有所帮助。美食家们一定对名厨和电视名人戈登·拉姆齐很熟悉。现在,那家伙绝对是“D”型人:他直率、敏锐、有力、专注于任务——这还只是轻描淡写。(哦,我多么喜欢那个家伙!)有时,“D”型人似乎不在乎别人和他们的感受。这不一定是真的——他们可能非常在乎,但他们过于关注结果,以至于在与他人互动时,其他考虑因素逐渐被淡化。他们给人的印象是过于严厉、严厉、唐突、咄咄逼人或专横,尤其是在压力大的情况下。其他表现出强烈“D”倾向的名人包括电视节目《美国偶像》中的西蒙·考威尔、 CNBC 名人吉姆·克莱默和前通用电气首席执行官杰克·韦尔奇。在职场上,支配型人格倾向于担任领导和管理角色,即可以管理他人的职业。

To help people understand these four types, I find that it helps to connect them with celebrities. Foodies out there will be familiar with celebrity chef and television personality Gordon Ramsay. Now, that dude is definitely a “D” kind of person: he’s direct, sharp, forceful, task focused—and that’s putting it mildly. (Oh, how I love that guy!) At times, “D” people seem to not care about others and their feelings. That’s not necessarily true—they might care very much, but they focus so much on results that other considerations fade into the background as they interact with others. They come across as overly harsh, severe, abrupt, pushy, or domineering, especially in stressful situations. Other celebrities who exhibit strong “D” tendencies are Simon Cowell from the TV show American Idol, CNBC personality Jim Cramer, and former GE CEO Jack Welch. In the workplace, Dominant types tend to gravitate toward leadership and managerial roles—careers in which they can be in charge of others.

典型的影响者类型可能是像前总统比尔·克林顿这样的人。他天生善于与人打交道——富有表现力、热情洋溢——影响者往往如此。他们喜欢成为关注的焦点。如果你没有被他们的故事逗笑,没有享受其中,那一定是出了问题。影响者也喜欢谈论自己,他们往往以引人注目的方式谈论自己(例如,大声说话或以生动的方式说话)。其他我认为属于影响者的知名人士包括吉米·法伦(以及许多其他电视主持人)、蒂娜·菲(以及许多其他喜剧演员)以及我在工作期间遇到的相当多的销售人员。许多励志演说家、教师和法庭律师也是天生的“I”型。然而,“I”型有时很难与某些类型的人建立联系。有时,影响者过于热情和外向,以至于他们看起来虚伪、肤浅或操纵,更不用说自负了。对于其他非“我”型的人来说,他们可能显得冲动或过度,说话过于随意,太快地向你抛出太多信息或情感。而且由于“我”型的人非常开朗,他们往往显得过于乐观。

The prototypical Influencer type might be someone like former president Bill Clinton. He is a natural with people—expressive, exuberant—as Influencers tend to be. They love to be the center of attention. If you’re not laughing at their stories and enjoying yourself, there’s something wrong. Influencers also like to talk about themselves, and they tend to do it in ways that get them noticed (by speaking loudly or in an animated fashion, for instance). Other well-known people whom I’d classify as Influencers include Jimmy Fallon (and a good number of other television hosts), Tina Fey (and many other comedians), and quite a number of salespeople I’ve met during my time. Many motivational speakers, teachers, and courtroom attorneys are also natural “I” types. And yet, “I”s can sometimes struggle to connect with certain types of people. Sometimes Influencers are so enthusiastic and outgoing that they seem fake, superficial, or manipulative, not to mention egotistical. To other non-“I”s, they might come across as impulsive or excessive, speaking too spontaneously and throwing too much information or emotion at you too quickly. And because they’re so cheery, “I”s can often seem overly optimistic.

像汤姆·汉克斯或休·杰克曼这样的演员都是稳重的“S”型人格。和影响者一样,他们以人为本,但他们往往表现得更安静,远离聚光灯,而是充当支持者或僚机。他们乐于看到别人发光,他们也倾向于谈论生活中的其他人。许多扮演帮助角色的人——护士、治疗师、教师、辅导员——往往是“S”型人格。他们给人的印象是随和、可靠和乐于助人——他们是团队中愿意为你牺牲的人。他们的目标是让每个人都成功,他们很高兴有团队获得赞誉并为自己所做的事感到自豪,而不仅仅是他们自己。但由于他们退缩得太厉害,“S”型人格的人也会给人一种冷漠和迟钝的印象。他们不喜欢惹是生非,所以有时他们看起来很固执,不愿意改变。他们也可能显得过于消极被动。你知道他们有某种感觉,但他们只是没有说出来

Actors like Tom Hanks or Hugh Jackman are steady “S” types. Like Influencers, they’re people-oriented, but they tend to exude a quieter presence, standing out of the limelight and serving instead as supporters or wing people. They’re happy for others to shine, and they tend to talk about others in their lives. Many people in helping roles—nurses, therapists, teachers, counselors—tend to be “S” types. They come across as agreeable, reliable, and accommodating—the person on your team who would fall on their sword for you. Their goal is for everyone to succeed, and they take pleasure in having the team get credit and feel good about what they’ve done, not just them. But because they stand back so much, “S”s also can come across as apathetic and slow. They don’t like to rock the boat, so at times they can seem stubborn and unwilling to change. They can also appear overly passive-aggressive. You know they’re feeling something, but they just aren’t coming out and saying it.

最后一种 DISC 类型,尽责型,或“C”,往往更为内敛,但也更注重细节。像梅格·瑞恩这样非常注重隐私并声称讨厌聚光灯的女演员可能就是“C”,而像作家 JD Salinger 或 Harper Lee 这样的著名隐居者也可能是“C”。尽责型的人行事谨慎,而且在沟通方面也往往井然有序、有条不紊。“C”型人可能自然而然地倾向于从事会计师、研究人员、医生或飞行员等职业,因为这些角色会奖励那些关注细节并专注于完成手头任务的人。挑战:“C”型人可能给人以书呆子、冷漠、尴尬、疏远或难以理解的印象。如果你问他们一个问题,而他们恰好不喜欢细节,他们可能会用冗长的答案让你厌烦,给你的信息远远超过你认为需要的,因为他们沉迷于细节。他们可能会在需要自发披露信息的快速变化的情况下,或在对他人的开放和自发性是一种优势的情况下感到挣扎。

The final DISC type, Conscientious, or “C,” tends to be more reserved, but also more detail oriented. An actress like Meg Ryan, who is very private and has professed to hate the spotlight, might be a “C,” and famous recluses like the authors J. D. Salinger or Harper Lee might have been, too. Conscientious types are discreet, and they also tend to be orderly and methodical in how they communicate. “C” types might naturally gravitate toward careers as accountants, researchers, doctors, or pilots, since these roles reward people who attend to the details and remain oriented to completing the task at hand. The challenge: “C” types can come across as nerdy, aloof, awkward, distant, or hard to know. If you ask them a question and don’t happen to like detail, they might bore you with a long-winded answer, giving you way more information than you feel you need, because they revel in the details. They might struggle in fast-moving situations that require spontaneous disclosure of information, or situations when openness and spontaneity with others is a plus.

在描述这些类型时,我大致概括了人们以及他们与他人的互动方式。事实上,我们所有人都在不同程度上表现出这四种沟通行为。当我说我是“D”型人格时,我的意思是支配特征往往在我身上表现得最强烈。我也有一些“I”和“C”特征,但它们不那么明显,而且我在“S”特征上真的很弱,但它仍然存在。此外,我们往往会根据所处的情况或多或少地表现出这些特征。给人留下最强烈印象的是外向的“I”型人格的人可能会在鸡尾酒会等公共场合表现出这些特征。让他们和家人在一起,其他行为可能会出现,即使他们的交流总体上仍然相当强烈地停留在“我”的领域。

In describing these types, I’m broadly generalizing about people and how they interact with others. In truth, all of us express all four of these communication behaviors to varying degrees. When I say I’m a “D,” what I mean is Dominance traits tend to come out most strongly in me. I also have some “I” and “C” traits, but they’re not as pronounced, and I’m really weak on the “S” trait, but it’s still there. Also, we tend to bring out more or less of these traits depending on the situations we’re in. Someone who comes across most strongly as an extroverted “I” type might express those traits in a public setting like a cocktail party. Get them with their family, and other behavior might emerge, even if their communications overall still remain pretty strongly in “I” territory.

开始你的 DISC

Get Your DISC On

当我教授 DISC 时,学生们经常急于将它应用到他们周围的其他人身上——他们的配偶、老板等等。“哇,冷静下来,”我告诉他们。“让我们先用它来了解,因为这会让在每天遇到的社交场合中变得更加强大。”

When I teach DISC, students often rush to apply it to others around them—their spouses, bosses, and so on. “Whoa, calm down,” I tell them. “Let’s first use this to figure out YOU, because that’s going to let you become much more powerful in the social situations you encounter each day.”

现在我邀请你做以下练习:

I invite you now to perform the following exercise:

花点时间思考一下您自己的沟通倾向,使用本书附录中的 DISC 备忘单。您更倾向于以人为本,还是专注于任务并获得具体结果?您倾向于采用更直接的沟通方式,还是间接的沟通方式?问这两个问题可以帮助您确定自己大致处于网格的哪个位置。一旦您确定了自己的主导类型,请考虑其优点和缺点。在特定情况下和与特定人群(在家与家人在一起、在工作中与同事在一起、周末与朋友在一起)中,您的行为对您有何好处(或不太好)?

Take a moment to think about your own communications tendencies, using the DISC cheat sheets located in the Appendix at the back of the book. Do you tend to be more people oriented, or do you focus on the task and obtaining specific results? Do you tend to adopt a more direct communications style, or indirect? Asking these two questions can help you locate where on the grid you roughly are. Once you’ve identified your dominant type, think about its strengths and weaknesses. How does your behavior serve you well—or not so well—in specific situations and with specific people (at home with your family, at work with your colleagues, during the weekend with your friends)?

当你了解了你的主要沟通风格的优点和缺点后,要特别注意缺点。你的风格什么时候可能会疏远那些你原本希望吸引或亲近的人?下面是另一个可以尝试的练习:

As you understand the strengths and weaknesses of your primary communications style, pay special attention to the weaknesses. When might your style risk alienating others that you might otherwise wish to attract or feel close to? Here’s another exercise to try:

在接下来的几天里,注意你与他人合作完成某件事的时间,以及你与他人发生冲突的时间。在那一刻(即经历之后),想想你的沟通倾向是如何促成胜利或分歧的。如果你像我的学生一样,你会发现自己会有一些小小的顿悟,对自己说:“哦,这就是那次谈话以争吵结束的原因”,或者“这就是那封电子邮件没有得到我希望的回应的原因。”

Over the next few days, notice times when you accomplish something in collaboration with others, and times when you come into conflict with others. In the moment (that is, right after the experience), think about how your communications tendencies just contributed to the win or the disagreement. If you’re like my students, you’ll find yourself coming up with small epiphanies, saying to yourself, “Oh, that’s why that conversation ended in an argument,” or “That’s why that email didn’t get the reaction I’d hoped.”

当你适应了社交方式后,下一步就是对自己的行为施加更多的控制。了解了自己惹恼他人的倾向,你就可以努力软化这些“粗鲁的棱角”。作为“D”,我知道我经常对人过于直接和粗鲁。过去,当我收到一封让我心烦意乱的电子邮件时,我倾向于反击并告诉发件人我的真实想法。这种行为激怒了人们,这意味着他们不太愿意接受我的要求,并且在情感上与我疏远。每次收到一封具有挑战性的电子邮件时,我都会挑战自己休息一下。“克里斯,”我告诉自己,“站起来走开。”这种方法对我没有用——我最终对这封电子邮件感到不安。所以我尝试了另一种方法:当我收到那封具有挑战性的电子邮件时,我让自己写下我想在愤怒时刻写的电子邮件回复,但随后我告诉自己在点击发送之前走开。这种方法很有效:我宣泄了自己的情绪,但我没有用典型的“D”式方式回应。休息后,当我重新阅读要发送的电子邮件时,我通常会发现自己已经修改了 90% 的内容。

As you become attuned to how you operate socially, the next step is to exert more control over your behavior. Understanding tendencies of yours that rub others wrong, you can work on softening those “rough edges.” As a “D” I know I’m often overly direct and abrupt with people. In the past, when I received an email that upset me, I tended to fire back and tell the sender what I really thought. That behavior ticked people off, which meant that they were less inclined to go along with my requests and felt more distanced from me emotionally. I challenged myself to take a breather every time I received a challenging email. “Chris,” I told myself, “get up and walk away.” That technique didn’t work for me—I wound up stewing about the email. So I tried something else: when I received that challenging email, I let myself write the email response I wanted to write in my moment of anger, but then I told myself to walk away before clicking send. That worked: I got my emotions off my chest, but I didn’t respond in a stereotypically “D” kind of way. After my break, when I reread the email I was going to send, I usually found myself editing 90 percent of it.

我对其他沟通方式的人的建议是类似的:找到一种方法来摆脱任何情绪反应触发你的情绪,避免你会自动恢复到基本的沟通行为。如果你是影响者类型,你可能会因为在谈话过程中谈论太多自己而疏远别人——你的感受、你的想法、你的反应。为了消除这种“粗糙的边缘”,退后一步,然后挑战自己让别人多说话,并练习积极倾听。抵制思考接下来要说什么的冲动,重新关注(如有必要,反复关注)别人的谈话。如果你是与他人面对面或通过电话交谈,而不是通过短信或电子邮件,你可能要做的不仅仅是走开。向对方解释你需要几分钟来冷静下来或休息一下,然后你会很乐意继续谈话。

My advice for people with other communications profiles would be similar: find a way to get outside any emotional response that is triggered in you, and to avoid the baseline communications behavior to which you’ll automatically revert. If you’re an Influencer type, you might wind up alienating others by talking too much about yourself in the course of a conversation—how you feel, what you think, how you reacted. To smooth out this “rough edge,” take a step back, and then challenge yourself to let others talk more and to practice active listening. Resist the urge to think about what you’ll say next, and refocus yourself (repeatedly, if necessary) on what others are saying. If you’re speaking in person or on the phone with another person instead of via text or email, you might have to do more than simply walk away. Explain to the other person that you need a few moments to calm down or take a break, and that you’ll then be happy to continue the conversation.

如果您倾向于按照稳定型人格行事,消极被动的反应可能会带来问题。下次与生活中的某人发生冲突时,请退后一步,像“I”型人格一样练习积极倾听,但要专注于理解对方的观点,而不是赢得争论。“S”型人格非常以人为本,因此当有人向他们提出问题时,他们往往会感到不安。他们很难不做出防御性反应,因此他们经常无法理解他人的观点。专注于超越自己的情绪反应,将自己置于对方的立场,真正“理解”他们所说的话。

If you tend to behave along the lines of a Steady type, passive-aggressive responses might pose a problem. The next time conflict arises with someone in your life, step back and practice active listening just as an “I” type of person might but focus on understanding the other person’s viewpoint rather than winning the argument. “S” types are extremely people oriented, so they tend to find it disturbing when someone raises an issue with them. It’s hard for them not to react defensively, and as a result they often can’t process another person’s perspective. Focus on stepping past your emotional response, putting yourself in the other person’s position, and really “getting” what they’re saying.

如果你是尽责型的人,并且与他人发生冲突,你会忍不住要用一百万个理由来抨击对方,说明他们做的事情很糟糕。如果你把所有的理由都说出来,你就会凭借逻辑的力量赢得争论。如果你在面对面或电话中进行实时对话,请挑战自己休息几分钟,摆脱情绪。回到谈话中时,专注于积极倾听而不是说话。如果你发现自己在重复事实,请停下来,深呼吸,然后再次集中精力倾听。如果你发现自己在电子邮件或短信中重复事实,也请同样注意。

If you’re a Conscientious type and you’re in a confrontation with someone else, you’re going to feel tempted to blast the other person with a million and one reasons why what they did sucked. If you lay it all out there, you presume, you’ll win the argument by sheer force of logic. If you’re in a real-time conversation either in person or on the phone, challenge yourself to take a break for a few minutes to get outside of the emotion. Upon returning to the conversation, focus on actively listening rather than talking. If you find yourself resorting to a litany of facts, stop, take a breath, and focus on listening once again. Ditto if you find yourself spewing a litany of facts into an email or text.

想一想三种特定的、反复出现的社交场合(您进行的对话、收到某些电子邮件或短信的场合等),在这些场合中,您的主导行为类型会导致您做出别人不喜欢的行为。针对每一种情况,想出一个更具体的策略,以弥补您的沟通档案中无益的部分。在接下来的几天里,部署您的策略,看看会发生什么。

Think about three specific and recurring social situations (conversations you have, situations in which you receive certain kinds of email or text messages, and so on) in which your dominant behavior type causes you to behave in ways that others don’t like. For each one, think of a more specific strategy for how you might compensate for the unhelpful parts of your communications profile. Over the next several days, deploy your strategies and see what happens.

这里的重点是养成思考你主要沟通方式的弱点的习惯,这样你就可以持续不断地纠正它们。你想在社交场合表现得更谨慎,你想达到自动这样做的程度。这需要时间和练习。这就像学习一门外语:你必须连续数周甚至更长时间每天专注于它。但成为人类黑客大师需要的不仅仅是这些。

The point here is to make a habit of thinking about the weaknesses of your dominant communications style, so that you can correct for them consistently and in the moment. You want to behave more mindfully in social situations, and you want to get to the point where you’re doing it automatically. That takes time and practice. It’s like learning a foreign language: you must focus on it daily for weeks on end, maybe longer. But becoming a master hacker of humans requires nothing less.

将 DISC 提升到新水平

Taking DISC to the Next Level

一旦你更好地掌握了自己的沟通倾向,你就可以进一步改善自己的行为,将 DISC 应用于其他人,并调整自己的沟通方式以更好地满足他们的需求。当你即将进行一次重要的谈话,或者你需要给某人写一封重要的电子邮件或信件时,请提前做好准备通过创建该人的 DISC 档案。我让公司的每一位员工在入职时都接受正式的 DISC 评估,并将这些评估结果提供给所有人查看。在与员工进行重要谈话之前,我会查看他们的档案,并在此基础上制定谈话策略。你可以对你生活中的关键人物做类似的事情。根据上面提供的 DISC 描述和本书末尾提供的 DISC 工作表,在进行重要谈话之前坐下来思考这个人——无论是你的配偶、你的青少年、你的团队成员还是你的房东——倾向于如何沟通。浏览这四种类型——你能或多或少地确定其中一种是该人的主导类型吗?

Once you’ve got a better handle on your own communications tendencies, you can enhance your behavior further by applying DISC to other people and adjusting your own communications to better match their needs. When you’re about to have a significant conversation, or if you need to write someone an important email or letter, prepare in advance by creating a DISC profile of that person. I have every member of my company take a formal DISC assessment when they come on board, and I make these available for everyone to see. Before a big conversation with an employee, I’ll look up their profile and on that basis generate a strategy for the conversation. You can do something similar for key people in your life. Based on the description of DISC provided above and the DISC worksheet provided at the end of this book, sit down before your big conversation and think about how the person—whether it’s your spouse, your teenager, someone on your team, your landlord—tends to communicate. Run through the four types—can you more or less identify one of them as that person’s dominant type?

一旦你这样做了,使用 DISC 备忘单更仔细地思考对方及其倾向和需求。你不想以与“S”交谈的方式与“D”交谈。“D”希望 你直接与他们交谈并关注结果,而“S”希望你尝试与他们相处并以更轻松、随和的方式认可他们。由于你提前准备,你可以在考虑这种差异的情况下精心设计你要说的话。如果你计划与“S”交谈,请确保你提到一些你认为他们很重要的原因(当然是真实的)。慢慢来——不要急于直奔主题。不要太激动或激动地提出你的论点。仔细倾听他们说的话并验证它。DISC 备忘单提供了关于属于每种类型的人希望从社交互动中获得什么、他们倾向于如何交流、你如何最好地与他们交流以及如何帮助他们更好地与你交流的建议。

Once you do, use the DISC Cheat Sheet to think more closely about the other person and his or her inclinations and needs. You don’t want to speak to a “D,” say, in the same way as you would an “S.” A “D” wants you to speak directly to them and to focus on results, while an “S” wants you to try to get along with them and validate them in a more relaxed, easygoing way. Since you’re preparing in advance, you can craft what you’ll say with this difference in mind. If you’re planning a conversation with an “S,” make sure you mention some reasons (truthful, of course) why you think they’re important. Take your time with the conversation—don’t rush to get straight to the point. Don’t get too excited or impassioned in making your argument. Listen carefully to what they say and validate it. The DISC Cheat Sheet provides advice about what people falling into each type want out of social interactions, how they tend to communicate, how you can best communicate with them, and how you can help them communicate better with you.

你不必等到重要谈话后再进行 DISC 分析。当我的学生 Brannon 在 2013 年上我的课时,他从未听说过 DISC。当他阅读自己的个人资料时,他发现自己起了鸡皮疙瘩,而且据他回忆,“我很震惊,因为里面有些事情我还没准备好承认我自己。”环顾房间,他看到“一个人接一个人,一排接一排,对测试结果的反应完全一样。这真是令人震惊,几乎是一种超现实的体验。”得知自己被评为“D”型和“I”型后,他意识到自己一生都是“瓷器店里的公牛”。

You don’t have to wait for a big conversation before performing a DISC analysis. When my student Brannon took my course in 2013, he had never heard of DISC. He found himself getting goose bumps as he read through his own profile, and was, as he remembers, “shocked because there were things in there that I wasn’t prepared to admit to myself.” Looking around the room, he saw “person after person, row after row, having the exact same reaction to their test results. It was really astounding, an almost surreal experience.” Learning that he rated strongly for the “D” and “I” types, he realized that he had been “a bull in a china shop” for his entire life.

当时,布兰农的婚姻出现了问题——他和妻子经常吵架,生对方的气。在了解了 DISC 之后,他意识到妻子的性格与他不同——她属于非常强势的“S”型人格。在讨论这个问题时,他们意识到,他们不同的沟通风格是造成他们冲突的很大一部分原因。作为“S”型人格,他的妻子倾向于避免直接对抗,而布兰农则喜欢这样做。当出现问题时,她只想要和平,而他则想一直谈论这个问题,直到他们达成某种解决方案。了解她的沟通风格让布兰农能够发现,在哪些情况下,最好让妻子结束对话,而不是一直坚持下去,直到他心里认为“结束”为止。布兰农和他的妻子最终分手了,但了解彼此的性格让他们在共同抚养孩子时相处得更好。“现在我们可以更客观地谈论我做了什么让她生气的事情,”布兰农说,“以及她做了什么让我生气的事情。它让生活变得更轻松。”

At the time, Brannon was having trouble with his marriage—he and his wife were constantly arguing and angry at one another. Learning about DISC, he realized that his wife had a different profile than he did—she was a very strong “S” type. Talking about it together, they realized that their differing communications styles accounted for a good part of their conflict. As an “S,” his wife tended to shrink away from direct confrontation, while Brannon favored it. When issues arose, she just wanted peace, while he wanted to talk the issue to death until they reached some sort of resolution. Understanding her communications style allowed Brannon to spot occasions when it was better to let his wife cut a conversation short instead of pushing through until it was “over” in his mind. Brannon and his wife eventually split up, but understanding one another’s profiles has allowed them to get along better as they co-parent their kids. “Now we can talk more objectively about the things I’m doing to tick her off,” Brannon says, “and the things she’s doing to tick me off. It makes life easier.”

在与不太熟悉的人或初次见面的人打交道时,应用 DISC 也能帮到你。在使用 DISC 时,你可能会发现自己的行为“看起来像是‘C’会做的事情”或“非常像‘我’”。不,你不是在进行科学分析。是的,你得出了一个肤浅的结论。但肤浅的结论虽然经常被证明是错误的,但有时是正确的。当你与不太熟悉的人打交道时,肤浅的结论总比对这些人一无所知要好。至少你有一些东西可以继续,即使你最终不得不在中途调整你的行为了解更多关于他们以及他们喜欢的沟通行为类型。请参阅 DISC 备忘单,获取一些关于如何在“自然界”发现符合四种类型的人的快速提示。

Applying DISC can also help you when you’re dealing with people you don’t know all that well, or whom you’re encountering for the first time. As you work with DISC, you might find yourself spotting behavior that “seems like something a ‘C’ would do” or that is “very ‘I’-like.” No, you’re not performing a scientific analysis. Yes, you’re coming to a superficial conclusion. But superficial conclusions, while they can often prove wrong, are sometimes correct. When you’re dealing with people you don’t know well, a superficial conclusion is better than having no insight into those individuals. At least you have something to go on, even if you wind up having to adjust your behavior midstream as you discover more about them and the kinds of communications behavior they prefer. See the DISC Cheat Sheet for some quick pointers on how to spot people matching the four types “in the wild.”

通过练习,你可以熟练地快速对遇到的人进行分类,并相应地调整你的言语和行为。为了使其成为第二天性,首先在对话后立即记下笔记。考虑到对方说了什么或做了什么,你如何才能最好地对他们进行分类?他们是否使用了很多细节?他们是否直接?他们是否经常谈论自己?他们是否将注意力集中在他人身上,而忽略了自己?等等。再次强调——我再怎么强调也不为过——积极倾听非常重要。当你第一次开始接触 DISC 时,不要想着在谈话中对某人进行分类。尽可能专心地倾听,吸收一切,真正投入到你听到的内容中。谈话结束后,花点时间回忆你听到的内容,趁它还新鲜的时候分析它。随着时间的推移,你会发现你不需要这额外的几分钟的思考——你会在谈话结束时自然而然地在脑海中进行分析。随着练习的增多,你会发现自己在谈话过程中会立即无意识地这样做,甚至在积极倾听的时候也是如此。

With practice, you can become adept at quickly classifying people you meet and adapting your speech and action accordingly. To make it second nature, start by jotting down notes immediately after conversations. Given what the other person said or did, how might you best classify them? Did they use a lot of detail? Were they direct? Did they talk about themselves a lot? Did they direct attention toward others, to the exclusion of themselves? And so on. Again—I can’t emphasize it enough—active listening is so important. When you first start dabbling with DISC, don’t think about classifying someone during a conversation. Listen as intently as possible, soaking everything up, really engaging with what you hear. Once the conversation is over, take a few moments to recall what you heard and analyze it while it is still fresh. Over time, you’ll find that you don’t need this extra few minutes of deliberation—you’ll naturally perform the analysis in your mind at the conclusion of the conversation. And with even more practice, you’ll find yourself instantly and unconsciously doing it during the conversation, even as you actively listen.

想象一下,当你接近某人时,你能够立即知道什么更可能引起他们的共鸣,什么不会。你的快速分析可能不准确,但即使你只有 20% 或 30% 的时间正确评估,也会有很大的不同。我已经达到了这样的程度,在与某人见面的几秒钟内,我就能至少在一定程度上准确地判断出他的沟通特征。当我走近一家公司总部的前台,试图打断他说话时,我会根据接待员的问候方式、桌子上的照片类型、他们的肢体语言等,想出一套关于接待员类型的理论,然后据此制定自己的行为和言语。这真是太神奇了——如果我在网上搜索过,我的判断会更加准确。提前检查并查看了接待员的社交媒体帖子。这让我想到了我们的下一个练习。

Imagine being able to approach someone and know immediately what is more likely to resonate with them, and what isn’t. Your quick analysis might be off, but even if you assess correctly 20 or 30 percent of the time, that makes a big difference. I’ve gotten to the point where I can determine a person’s communications profile with at least some degree of accuracy within seconds of meeting them. When I’m approaching the reception desk of a corporate headquarters and trying to break in, I concoct a running theory of the receptionist’s type based on how they greet me, what kinds of pictures are on their desk, their body language, and so on, and I frame what I do and say accordingly. It’s quite amazing—and I’m even more accurate if I have gone online in advance and reviewed the receptionist’s social media postings. Which brings me to our next exercise.

查找您最喜欢的三位名人的 Twitter 帐户。仔细查看他们的帖子。您能从他们的沟通风格中看出什么?例如,比尔·克林顿的帖子是经典的影响者帖子。他经常谈论自己,以第一人称说话,并突出他喜欢的人。总的来说,他的帖子非常有活力、热情洋溢和“响亮”。加分项:对于四种 DISC 类型中的每一种,看看您是否能找出除本章中提到的名人之外的五位符合该类型的名人。

Look up the Twitter accounts of three of your favorite celebrities. Closely review their postings. What can you discern about their communications style? For example, Bill Clinton’s postings are those of the classic Influencer. He talks about himself a lot, speaking in the first person and highlighting people whom he likes. In general, his postings are quite energetic, exuberant, and “loud.” Bonus points: for each of the four DISC types, see if you can come up with five celebrities other than the ones mentioned in this chapter who evoke that type.

您可以尝试以下另一项练习:

And here’s another exercise you might try:

要练习快速 DISC 分析,请前往人多的公共场所,观察人群一小时。观察人群,看看您是否能找出哪些人属于每个类别。

To practice quick DISC analyses, go to a crowded public place and people-watch for an hour. Watch groups of people, and see if you can figure out which individuals fit under each category.

概括

Summary

中国哲学家、道教创始人老子曾说过:“知人者智,自知者明。” 6本章讲的是明和智:更好地了解自己,以及你感兴趣的人。我认为你会发现,通信分析在充分发展后会非常强大,可以支撑你为黑客攻击人类所做的一切。虽然大多数坏人可能不使用 DISC,但他们确实会使用自己的快速而粗略的分析方法来选择受害者并实施攻击。众所周知,恐怖分子网络会搜索 Twitter 或 Facebook 等社交媒体平台,寻找对西方政府表示敌意的人。他们特别寻找那些感到某种幻灭和沮丧,并且可能怀有特定情感倾向的人。极端分子会根据情况量身定制他们所说的内容和表达方式,以引诱这些人。年轻人很容易受到攻击,因为他们不知道他们遇到的看似富有同情心的人有多老练。

Lao Tzu, the Chinese philosopher and founder of Taoism, once said, “He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened.”6 This chapter has been about being both enlightened and wise: knowing yourself better, and also your people of interest. As I think you’ll find, communications profiling is amazingly powerful when it’s fully developed, underpinning anything else you do to hack humans. Although most bad guys probably don’t use DISC, they do use their own versions of quick-and-dirty profiling to choose their victims and make their approach. Terrorist networks are known to scrape social media platforms like Twitter or Facebook, searching for people who are expressing hostility toward Western governments. In particular, they’re looking for individuals who feel a certain type of disillusionment and frustration, and who likely harbor a specific set of emotional tendencies. The extremists tailor what they say and how they say it to lure these people in. Young people become vulnerable, as they have no idea of the sophistication of the seemingly sympathetic people they’re encountering.

你可以将分析法用在好的方面,用它来改善你的人际关系和互动质量。从本质上讲,分析法之所以有效,是因为无论我们是在对自己还是对他人进行分类,我们都将注意力从社交活动中通常关注的地方(我们自己、我们的需求、我们的欲望)转移到了应该关注的地方:其他人身上。我们正在努力(也许是我们一生中第一次)深入思考他人以及他们如何 接近和体验对话。我们正在培养对他人同理心,这样我们就可以开始按照他们的方式与他们建立联系而不仅仅是按照我们的方式。

You can use profiling for good, deploying it to improve the quality of your relationships and interactions. In essence, profiling works because whether we’re classifying ourselves or others, we’re directing attention away from where it usually is during social encounters—on ourselves, our needs, our desires—and onto where it should be: onto other people. We’re trying hard—maybe for the first time in our lives—to think deeply about others and how they’re approaching and experiencing a conversation. We’re developing empathy for other people, so that we can begin to connect with them on their terms, not just ours.

同情心确实是人类黑客攻击的基础,但正如我们将看到的,它远远超出了分析的范围。骗子、安全专家和其他人类职业黑客从一开始就利用同情心来组织对话,以便受害者更有可能做他们想做的事情。如果你正坐在办公桌前工作,一个陌生人打电话给你说:“你不认识我,但我想让你把五百美元汇到以下账号,”你不会这么做的。但如果来电者自称是你的能源公司的代表,说你的账单已经过期,如果你不在一小时内支付五百美元,你的服务就会被切断,你可能会这样做(如果你看了你的来电显示和来电,你可能会更有可能这样做)。似乎来自您的能源公司的电话号码)。这种骗局非常常见,7它之所以有效,是因为许多人一想到断电就会感到焦虑。骗子知道这一点——他们已经实现了同理心——并将这种洞察力发展成与您交谈的令人信服的“借口”。相反,如果您没有掌握我们所谓的“开始的艺术”,就很难赢得朋友、影响他人并得到您想要的东西。让我们来探索如何更有意识地开始对话,这样您就可以在人们中唤起积极的情感反应,让他们与您进一步交流。

Empathy truly is fundamental to human hacking, but as we’ll see, it goes far beyond profiling. Con men, security experts, and other professional hackers of humans draw on empathy to frame conversations from the very outset so that their victims are more likely to do what they want. If you’re sitting at your desk working, and a stranger calls you up and says, “You don’t know me, but I want you to wire five hundred dollars to the following account number,” you’re not going to do it. But if a caller identifies himself as a representative of your energy company, says that your bill is past due and that your service will be cut off if you don’t pay five hundred dollars within an hour, you just might (and even more so if you looked at your caller ID and the call seemed to be coming from your energy company’s number). This scam is extremely common,7 and it works because many people feel anxious at the thought of losing their power. The scammers know this—they’ve made that empathetic leap—and have developed that insight into a compelling “pretext” for holding a conversation with you. Conversely, it’s very difficult to win friends, influence people, and get what you want if you haven’t mastered what we might call “the art of the start.” Let’s explore how to initiate conversations more deliberately, so that you’re evoking positive emotional responses in people that will make them want to engage further with you.

第 2 章

成为你需要成为的人

Chapter 2

Become the Person You Need to Be

为社交活动创造一个背景或“借口”,为你的顺利成功奠定基础。

Create a context or “pretext” for a social encounter that will set you up for success.

喜剧演员理查德·杰尼 (Richard Jeni) 曾说过:“诚实是一段关系的关键。如果你能假装诚实,你就成功了。” 1如果那家伙不是社交工程师,他应该是。要发挥影响力并得到你想要的东西,设计一个合理且令人信服的借口来进行对话和提出请求,并完美地扮演你在借口中规定的“角色”,这将大有帮助。换句话说,你必须从一开始就为你的目标构建社交接触的意义,使你看起来没有威胁性,甚至讨人喜欢。

“Honesty,” the comedian Richard Jeni observed, “is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”1 If that guy wasn’t a social engineer, he should have been. To exert influence and get what you want, it helps immeasurably to devise a plausible and compelling pretext for having a conversation and making a request, and to play your prescribed “role” within that pretext flawlessly. In other words, you have to frame the meaning of the social encounter for your target at the outset in such a way that you appear unthreatening and even likable.

有一家大型零售品牌——我说不上是哪家——如今安全得多,因为有一位非常乐于助人的废物管理销售代表来访。是的,我也有这样的一套服装。我在这次任务中的挑战是看看我能否进入一个非常安全的仓库,在那里我可以拍摄视频并不安全入口的图片。然后,在另一个场合,我应该看看我是否可以通过不安全的入口进入并窃取存放在那里的贵重商品。

There’s a big retail brand—I can’t say which—that’s much more secure today because of a visit they received from a certain, very helpful Waste Management sales representative. Yes, I have one of those outfits, too. My challenge in this assignment was to see if I could get inside an incredibly secure warehouse, where I would take videos and pictures of unsecured entrances. Then, on a separate occasion, I was supposed to see if I could enter through an unsecured entrance and steal the valuable merchandise stored there.

当我说这些仓库非常安全时,我的意思是,进入它们就像进入一座最高安全级别的监狱。你走近由有色防弹玻璃制成的玻璃门,按下蜂鸣器,然后有人在视频屏幕上监视你,要求你出示身份证明。通过这道屏障后,你就会遇到第二道安全屏障,这是一道从天花板到地板的金属陷阱,就像有时用来让人们进出地铁的那种。当你在陷阱里时,一名保安人员必须使用徽章来解锁,并将你从另一边拉出来。之后是金属探测器,然后是另一个安全柜台,在那里你出示政府颁发的身份证,他们会给你颁发访客徽章。

When I say these warehouses were incredibly secure, I mean that entering them was like getting into a maximum-security prison. You approached glass doors made of tinted, bulletproof glass, pressed a buzzer, and someone watching you on a video screen asked for identification. Once you got through that barrier, you went to a second security barrier, a ceiling-to-floor metal mantrap, like the kind they sometimes have to let people into and out of subways. While you were inside the mantrap, a security guard had to use a badge to unlock it and spin you out the other side. After that came a metal detector, and then another security counter where you presented government-issued ID and they issued you a visitor’s badge.

我到底要怎么通过这么多安检?垃圾,就是这样。利用谷歌地图街景中的图片,我们在仓库后面发现了一台巨大的废物管理垃圾压实机。将压实机的图片与废物管理网站上的图片进行比较,我们确定了仓库安装的压实机的确切型号。我下载了所有的示意图,让自己成为这些压实机的专家。然后我穿上了废物管理制服,上面有标志、帽子、徽章和巨大的剪贴板。

How the heck was I going to get through all of that security? Garbage, that’s how. Using images on Google Maps street view, we spotted a giant Waste Management trash compactor in the back of the warehouse. Comparing the image of the compactor to one on Waste Management’s website, we identified the exact model of compactor the warehouse had installed. I downloaded all of the schematics and made myself an expert on these compactors. Then I donned a Waste Management uniform, complete with logo, hat, badge, and giant clipboard.

我来到仓库外门,自称是废物管理公司的人,来找仓库经理谈垃圾压缩机的事。保安人员把我带了进去。当我到达陷阱时,那里的警卫问我到底来谈什么。我告诉他,我们的一些垃圾压缩机装有需要召回的电机。我需要检查电机上的序列号,告诉他们我们是否需要召回他们的。当特工表示不放心让我进去时,我告诉他可以自己回去检查序列号——这样就好了。他回答说他不知道发动机在装置上的位置,所以我告诉他我可以向他描述,也可以自己回去检查——这需要五分钟。他把我从陷阱里带了过去。

Showing up at the warehouse’s outer door, I announced myself as someone from Waste Management who had come to speak with the warehouse manager about the trash compactor. The security agent buzzed me in. When I reached the mantrap, the guard there asked me what exactly I had come to discuss. I told him that a select number of our trash compactors contained motors that were subject to a recall. I needed to check the serial number on the motor to tell them if we needed to recall theirs. When the agent expressed doubt about letting me in, I told him that he could go back and check the serial number himself—that would be just fine. He replied that he didn’t know where the motor was located on the unit, so I told him that I could either describe it to him or I could just go back to check myself—it would take me five minutes. He swiped me through the mantrap.

我穿过金属探测器,来到安检柜台。我知道我需要政府颁发的身份证,但我不想用自己的,因为上面有我的真实姓名和地址。当他们要求我出示身份证时,我露出了极度失望的表情,告诉他们我把钱包落在车里了。“这是乔治·康斯坦扎的一大笔钱,”我说。“它太厚了,我的背都快被压坏了。”

I proceeded through the metal detector and up to the security counter. I had known that I would need a government-issued ID but did not want to use mine, since it displayed my real name and address. When they asked me for it, I flashed a look of extreme disappointment and told them that I’d left my wallet in the car. “It’s this big, George Costanza thing,” I said. “It wrecks my back it’s so thick.”

这话引得安保人员哈哈大笑,但无动于衷。“没有政府出具的身份证,我不会让你进来。”

That got a chuckle, but the security agent was unmoved. “I can’t let you in without a government ID.”

我假装慌乱,告诉他们我不能为了花五分钟检查一下垃圾压缩机而再次通过所有安检。然后我假装有了一个好主意。“哦,你知道吗,”我说。“我这里有这个废物管理公司的徽章。上面有我的照片、我的出生日期、我的所有信息。我可以用这个吗?”

I pretended to be flustered, telling them that I couldn’t go through all that security again just to do a five-minute trash compactor check. Then I pretended to have a bright idea. “Oh, you know what,” I said. “I’ve got this Waste Management corporate badge right here. It has my picture on it, my date of birth, all of my information on it. Can I just use this?”

他点点头,说:“是的,这个看起来和许可证一样,我们就用这个。”接下来的十分钟,我在仓库里四处转悠,拍摄不安全入口的视频和照片,注意哪里可以闯入并偷走商品。完成后,我走回安全检查站。“一切都准备好了,”我笑着说。“你的序列号不在我的名单上,所以你很棒,你不需要召回。”就这样,我让他们为见到我而感到高兴。在他们心中,他们为组织做出了很大的贡献,帮助避免了潜在的问题。“谢谢你们来,”他们说。“我们很感激!”

He nodded and said, “Yeah, okay, this looks the same as a license, we can just use this.” For the next ten minutes, I roamed around the warehouse, taking the video and pictures of unsecured entrances, noting where I would be able to break in and steal merchandise. When I was done, I walked back through the security checkpoints. “You’re all set,” I said, smiling. “Your serial number isn’t on my list, so you’re great, you don’t need a recall.” In this way, I left them feeling great for having met me. In their minds, they had served their organization well, helping to avoid a potential problem. “Thanks for coming out,” they said. “We appreciate it!”

我使用这种方法来管理这家零售商的七个仓库。七次我都成功进入。我之所以能进入,是因为我找到了进入仓库的借口。我冒险进入仓库的理由非常合理:我是一名废物管理人员,有一项紧迫的任务要完成,这项任务对他们有利。我穿的、身上的或说的每句话都表明我属于废物管理部门。他们为什么不让我进去?

I used this method with seven warehouses for this retailer. I got in all seven times. And the reason I got in was that I nailed the pretext for requesting entrance into the facility. I had an impeccably logical reason for venturing into the warehouse: I was a Waste Management guy, with a pressing task to accomplish, one that benefited them. Everything I wore, had on my person, or said screamed Waste Management. Why wouldn’t they let me in?

借口与犯罪心理

Pretexting and the Criminal Mind

借口是一种为谈话创造背景或场合的艺术,这样你更有可能实现你的目标。当你创造借口时,你是在为追求某种社交活动提出一个合理的理由、解释或“借口”。你也在为自己在社交活动中扮演的角色分配角色。借口的作用是触发与你打交道的人的积极或消极情绪。马尔科姆·格拉德威尔在他的《与陌生人交谈》一书中推广了“真相默认理论”,即“我们的操作假设是,我们打交道的人是诚实的”。2一个好的借口可以保持这个假设不变,缓解你感兴趣的人可能有的焦虑或担忧,甚至激发积极的情绪,如爱、幸福或幸福感。有了基本的信任感,你感兴趣的人就会更愿意——甚至乐意——遵从你的要求。相反,糟糕的借口会激起恐惧或愤怒等负面情绪,并激活你感兴趣的人的批判性思维能力。他们不会“顺应”他们的积极情绪并服从,而是变得多疑,想出他们不应该服从的理由,并让你承担起证明他们的怀疑毫无根据的负担。正如格拉德威尔所说,“只有当我们的怀疑和疑虑上升到我们可以相信的程度时,我们才会停止相信不再为自己辩解。” 3糟糕的借口会“引发”我们不愿意信任别人。

Pretexting is the art of creating a context or occasion for a conversation so that you’re more likely to achieve your goals. When you create a pretext, you’re presenting a rational justification, explanation, or “excuse” for pursuing a social encounter of some kind. You’re also assigning yourself a role to play during the encounter. Pretexts work by triggering emotions, positive or negative, in the people with whom you’re dealing. In his book Talking to Strangers, Malcolm Gladwell popularizes the “Truth-Default Theory,” the idea that “our operating assumption is that the people we are dealing with are honest.”2 A good pretext keeps this assumption intact, easing anxieties or concerns your person of interest might have, and even arousing positive emotions, such as love, happiness, or a sense of well-being. With a baseline sense of trust, your person of interest becomes much more willing—even happy—to comply with your requests. Conversely, a bad pretext arouses negative emotions such as fear or anger and activates your person of interest’s critical thinking capacity. Instead of “going with the flow” of their positive feelings and complying, they become suspicious, thinking of reasons they shouldn’t comply, and placing the burden on you to prove their suspicions unfounded. As Gladwell notes, “We stop believing only when our doubts and misgivings rise to the point where we can no longer explain them away.”3 A bad pretext “triggers” our unwillingness to trust in others.

世界各地的骗子、骗子和黑客都知道如何利用借口欺骗他人——这是他们的拿手好戏。据称,德克萨斯州西大学社区的一名男子按响了人们的门铃,自称是市政水务部门的工作人员。当他与房主交谈并建立融洽关系时(下一章将讨论这一主题,据称另一名骗子闯入并偷走了他或她能拿到的一切。4就是借口。骗子需要利用“乐于助人的水务部门人员”的角色来让房主做他想做的事情:打开门,进行几分钟看似无辜的交谈。

Scammers, con men, and hackers everywhere know all about how pretexting works on people—it’s their stock in trade. A man in the Texas community of West University allegedly rang people’s doorbells, purporting to work for the municipality’s water authority. While he was engaging a homeowner in conversation and building rapport (a topic considered in the next chapter), another crook allegedly broke in and stole whatever he or she could grab.4 That’s pretexting in action. The role of the “helpful water authority person” was the rationale the crook needed to get homeowners to do what he wanted: open up the door and engage in a few minutes of seemingly innocent conversation.

借口也以电子形式出现,事实上,在当今网络诈骗泛滥中,借口十分常见。在香港,黑客入侵了一名男子姐姐的 WhatsApp 账户,冒充姐姐说服他购买虚拟游戏“积分”,然后以更高的价格转售,轻松赚钱。只有黑客在短短几个小时内就赚得盆满钵满,净赚 55,000 美元。5同样,骗子给圣劳伦斯学院一名学生的家长发送电子邮件,声称自己是该学院的学生,要求他们提前支付学费以获得折扣。一些家长上当了,损失了钱。在第一起案件中,犯罪分子借口是关心受害者财务状况的乐于助人或有爱心的兄弟姐妹。在第二起案件中,借口是乐于助人的学院行政代表发送电子邮件,提供可能有吸引力的优惠。6这两个借口都为骗子提供了让毫无戒心的受害者采取所需行动(即骗取他们的钱财)的理由。

Pretexting occurs in electronic form as well, and in fact figures prominently in our current epidemic of online fraud. In Hong Kong, hackers took over the WhatsApp account of a man’s sister, using it to impersonate her and convince him to buy “points” for virtual games, so that he could resell them at a higher price and make some easy money. The only ones to score a bonanza here were the hackers, who netted $55,000 in a matter of hours.5 Likewise, crooks emailed parents of a student at St. Lawrence College, purporting to be from the college and asking them to make an early tuition payment in order to receive a discount. Some parents fell for it—and lost their money. In the first case, criminals adopted the pretext of the helpful or loving sibling who cared about the victim’s financial well-being. In the second case, the pretext was that of the helpful college administrative representative emailing with a potentially attractive offer.6 Both pretexts established the rationale crooks needed to get unsuspecting victims to take the desired action, which entailed parting with their money.

也许有史以来最伟大的犯罪借口者是维克多·卢斯蒂格,他被称为“美国最伟大的骗子”和“卖掉埃菲尔铁塔的人。两次。”至少我们认为他的名字是维克多·卢斯蒂格。没有人真正知道——这家伙有不少于四十七个身份。20 世纪 20 年代中期,卢斯蒂格冒充法国政府官员,告诉法国废金属行业的知名人士,政府正计划拆除埃菲尔铁塔,并招标。政府官员提供有价值的废金属内幕交易的借口对观众来说既完全合理又有吸引力。金属商们上当了,提交了投标,其中一位最终为这座塔支付了 70,000 美元。当骗局被发现时,据一位受害者说,“太尴尬了,不敢去报警。”在这次成功的鼓舞下,卢斯蒂格显然再次尝试了这种骗局,但没有被抓住。7

Perhaps the greatest criminal pretexter of all time was Victor Lustig, known variously as “America’s greatest con man” and “the man who sold the Eiffel Tower. Twice.” At least we think his name was Victor Lustig. Nobody really knows—the guy had no fewer than forty-seven identities. During the mid-1920s, Lustig impersonated a French government official, telling prominent members of the French scrap metal industry that the government was planning on demolishing the Eiffel Tower, and soliciting bids for it. The pretext of a government official offering an insider deal on valuable scrap metal seemed both perfectly reasonable and alluring to this audience. The metal guys fell for it, submitting bids, with one of them eventually forking over $70,000 for the tower. When the scam was discovered, the victim by one account “was too embarrassed to go to the police.” Buoyed by this success, Lustig apparently tried the scam again without getting caught.7

仔细研究这一骗局,就会发现一个关于借口的重要事实:借口不仅关乎你说什么,还关乎你做什么。借口可以包括你的行为——你是表现得平静、紧张、快乐还是悲伤。借口可以包括你选择的谈话地点,以及让你扮演的角色或假定身份栩栩如生的物品或“道具”。在埃菲尔铁塔骗局中,卢斯蒂格不仅打电话给受害者,编造一个关于他是谁和他想要什么的荒诞故事。他还制作了写有他名字的信纸,上面还盖有“法国政府官方印章”。他召集废金属老板在一家法国豪华酒店开会——有关系的政府官员可能会这么做。据称,他在提出借口时使用的语言也暴露了一名官僚对此事的熟悉程度:“由于工程故障、昂贵的维修费用以及我不能讨论的​​政治问题,拆除埃菲尔铁塔已成为强制性要求。” 8特别注意“我不能讨论”这句话,这是一种明显的谨慎表达,这正是一位了解敏感讨论的谨慎官员可能会说的话。卢斯蒂格的借口包括所有这些要素,就像我的一样上述故事中包括我的制服和公司证件,以及我向仓库保安给出的看似知情的解释。

A closer look at this scam reveals an important truth about pretexting: it isn’t just about what you say, but also what you do. Pretexting can include how you behave—whether you appear calm, nervous, happy, sad. It can include the location you choose for a conversation, as well as objects or “props” that bring to life the role you’re playing or identity you’re assuming. In his Eiffel Tower scam, Lustig didn’t just call up his victims and spin a tall tale about who he was and what he wanted. He had stationery created that had his name on it, and that also bore “the official French government seal.” He summoned the scrap metal bosses to a meeting at a fancy French hotel—something that a connected government official might have done. He was also alleged to have presented his pretext using language that betrayed a bureaucrat’s familiarity with his subject matter: “Because of engineering faults, costly repairs, and political problems I cannot discuss, the tearing down of the Eiffel Tower had become mandatory.”8 Note especially the phrase “I cannot discuss,” an expression of apparent discretion that was exactly what a scrupulous official privy to sensitive discussions might say. Lustig’s pretext included all of these elements, just as mine in the story above included my uniform and my company ID, as well as the seemingly informed explanation I gave to the warehouse guards.

借口可以完全由行动和道具组成,无需提供任何口头解释。1935 年,特勤局逮捕了拉斯蒂格,将他关押在曼哈顿联邦拘留中心,这个设施当时被称为“无法逃脱”。对于其他囚犯来说,这是无法逃脱的。他把床单绑在一起做成一条长绳,从牢房的窗户上跳了出去,然后顺着大楼往下坠落。地上的人都目瞪口呆地看着他,于是他假装自己是一名窗户清洁工,用他随身携带的一块抹布。抹布,他在大楼上的位置:这些都让旁观者心目中有了借口(不是为了谈话,而是为了他自己在大楼一侧的存在)。当拉斯蒂格落地时,他鞠了一躬,跑开了,一个月后,法律才再次追上他。之后,他搬到了一个真正为关押像他这样的罪犯而建的监狱:恶魔岛。

Pretexts can consist entirely of actions and props, with no verbal explanation offered. In 1935, the secret service arrested Lustig, locking him away in Manhattan’s federal detention center, a facility reputed at the time to be “inescapable.” It was inescapable—for other prisoners. Tying bedsheets together to create a long rope, he hoisted himself out the window of his prison cell and lowered himself down the building. People on the ground gawked at him, so he passed himself off as a window cleaner, making use of a rag he had carried with him. The rag, his position on the building: these contributed to a pretext in the minds of the onlookers (not for a conversation, but for his own presence there on the side of the building). When Lustig reached the ground, he took a bow and scampered off, and it took a month for the law to catch up with him again. Afterward, he would relocate to a prison that really was built to house criminals like him: Alcatraz.

日常生活中的借口艺术

The Everyday Art of Pretexting

鉴于卢斯蒂格的精彩事迹,借口似乎对普通守法公民没有多大意义。你当然不会像我一样,仅仅为了说服家人、同事或邻居做你想做的事,就采用一个全新的假身份。你也不会(我希望)编造一些虚假的理由和角色,肆无忌惮地从你身边的人那里偷东西。法律学者对律师和警察借口获取信息的做法持怀疑态度,认为这是欺骗和不道德的。在一篇题为“借口:达到必要目的的必要手段?”的文章中,一位学者强烈反对借口,他辩称:“法律制度和职业不能承受使用任何不诚实或欺骗手段来收集信息。” 9联邦贸易委员会同样将借口定义为一种本质上不诚实的犯罪行为:“借口是以虚假的借口获取您的个人信息的行为。借口者将您的信息出售给可能利用这些信息以您的名义获得信贷、窃取您的资产或调查或起诉您的人。借口是违法的。” 10

Given Lustig’s colorful exploits, it might not seem that pretexting holds much relevance for normal, law-abiding citizens. Surely you’re not going to adopt a whole new, fake identity like I did just to convince a family member, colleague, or neighbor to do something you want. And you’re not (I hope) going to invent some false rationale and role in order to steal unscrupulously from people in your orbit. Legal scholars have cast a suspicious eye on the practice of pretexting among attorneys and police to obtain information, regarding it as deceptive and unethical. In an article entitled “Pretexting: A Necessary Means to a Necessary End?,” one scholar came out strongly against pretexting, arguing, “The legal system and the profession can ill afford the use of any dishonest or deceptive means to gather information.”9 The Federal Trade Commission has likewise defined pretexting as an inherently dishonest, criminal act: “Pretexting is the practice of getting your personal information under false pretenses. Pretexters sell your information to people who may use it to get credit in your name, steal your assets or to investigate or sue you. Pretexting is against the law.”10

我不会像某些法律界人士那样,以“为达目的可以不择手段”为借口为借口辩护,而是认为,在日常生活中,借口本质上并不是撒谎、掩饰和演戏。当我扮成废物管理公司的员工时,我说的是赤裸裸的谎言,但我当时正在执行一项特定的任务,我和我的客户(一如既往地)预先确定了某些形式的谎言是可以接受的。在日常生活中,我绝不会这样欺骗别人,也不需要这样做。在日常生活中,借口是指有选择地呈现部分事实,以创造有利于对话的环境,从而快速建立融洽的关系。借口可以很简单,比如,如果你恰好拥有一家冰淇淋店,想去看看你家附近新开的一家受欢迎的竞争对手,那么就假装成一个感兴趣的顾客。或者,如果你正在考虑搬到一个新城镇,但想知道人们对学校的真实看法,那么你可以打电话给经纪人说:“嘿,我们要搬到这个地区,我们有几个问题。”

Rather than justifying pretexting on the grounds that “the ends justify the means,” as some in the legal profession do, I would contend that pretexting in everyday situations isn’t fundamentally about lying, dissimulating, and playacting. When I dressed up as a Waste Management guy, I was telling a bald-faced lie, but I was taking part in a specific assignment in which my client and I predetermined (as we always do) that certain forms of lying were fair game. I would never deceive others like this while pretexting in everyday life—and I wouldn’t need to. Pretexting in everyday life entails selectively presenting parts of the truth in order to create an advantageous context for a conversation, so that you can quickly build rapport. Pretexting can be as simple as posing as an interested customer if you happen to own an ice cream shop and want to check out a popular new competitor that has opened up in your neighborhood. Or if you’re thinking of moving to a new town but want to know what people really think about the schools, it can be calling up a broker and saying, “Hey, we’re moving to the area, we have a couple of questions.”

当冰淇淋店老板走进新开的一家社区商店时,她可能主要不是为了买一个甜筒,而是想了解竞争对手。但是,既然她要买一个甜筒,她也是顾客。你可能不打算下周买下一套房子,但最初的“如果呢?”看房阶段仍然是买房过程的一部分。所以,借口并不是彻头彻尾的谎言,而是对事实的陈述。如果你对借口的程度有任何疑问,请记住这一点:你需要让人们因为认识你而过得更好。如果你的借口与事实相差甚远,无论出于什么原因,如果你无法让人们过得更好,那么就不要使用它。

The ice cream store owner might not be primarily interested in buying a cone when she goes into that new neighborhood store—she wants to learn about her competitor. But, since she’s paying for a cone, she also is a customer. You might not be looking to close on a property next week, but the initial, “what if?” phase of looking is still part of the process of buying a house. So, pretexting isn’t an outright lie, but rather a representation of reality rooted in the truth. If you have any doubts about how far to go when setting up a pretext, remember this: you need to leave people better off for having met you. If your pretext is so distant from the truth that for whatever reason you won’t be able to leave people better off, then don’t use it.

我们总是在不知不觉中为自己创造借口,为自己扮演“角色”以适应特定情况。心理学中一个长期存在的争论是,性格还是特定的社会环境决定了我们的行为。两者似乎都很重要:我们稳定的性格在我们的行为中闪现,但我们在适当的环境中会最充分地展现出其中的某些部分,我们甚至可能希望将自己置身于可以展现自己某些部分的情境中——比如我们的合群性,或者我们寻求新奇事物的倾向。11正如科尔比学院的克里斯托弗·索托所写的那样,“在任何一种场合,一个人的行为都会受到他们的性格和环​​境以及其他因素的影响,例如他们当前的想法、感受和目标。” 12

We create pretexts all the time, almost always without realizing it, by taking on “roles” for ourselves to fit particular situations. A long-standing debate in psychology concerns whether personality or specific social contexts determine our behavior. Both seem to matter: our stable personalities shine through in our behavior, but we project certain parts of them most fully in the right settings, and we might even look to insert ourselves into situations in which we can bring out certain parts of ourselves—our gregariousness, say, or our propensity to seek out novelty.11 As Christopher Soto of Colby College has written, “On any one occasion, a person’s behavior is influenced by both their personality and the situation, as well as other factors such as their current thoughts, feelings and goals.”12

在为谈话设计借口时,我们会强调自己个性中的某些方面,以适应当时的需要。如果我的女儿做错了什么,我可能会让她坐下来,以“严厉、严厉的父亲”的名义严厉地和她谈话。如果我和我的一位成年员工有矛盾,或者我试图解决与妻子或最好的朋友之间的问题,我就不能扮演父亲的角色——与我互动的人会觉得这是侮辱和贬低。所以我可能会扮演一个有同理心的老板的角色。或者一个沮丧但富有同情心的配偶。或者一个关心的最好的朋友。在所有这些情况下,我都是同一个人,但我允许自己不同的一面显露出来,希望实现我的目标。

When devising pretexts for our conversations, we emphasize particular dimensions of our personalities to fit the needs of the moment. If my daughter has done something wrong, I might sit her down and have a stern discussion with her, adopting the pretext of the “tough, disciplinarian dad.” If I have a problem with one of my adult employees, or if I’m trying to resolve an issue with my wife or my best friend, I can’t play that fatherly role—the people with whom I’m interacting would find it insulting and demeaning. So I might play the role of the empathetic boss. Or the frustrated but compassionate spouse. Or the concerned best friend. In all of these situations, I’m the same person, but I’m allowing different sides of me to come out in hopes of achieving my goals.

我们本能地接受这些不同的角色,因为我们感觉到我们选择的具体借口可以帮助决定我们是否从社交互动中得到我们想要的东西。假设你年迈的母亲身体每况愈下,你必须和你不太亲近的姐妹进行一次艰难的谈话,谈论筹集资金让她住进养老院。如果你将谈话的场合设定为“我想和你谈谈,因为我需要你在月底前给我一万美元”,如果你在忙碌了一天后在拥挤嘈杂的酒吧里进行谈话,而你姐姐又紧张又累,谈话可能不会那么顺利。当你姐姐听到“我需要你在月底前给我一万美元”这句话时,她可能会产生许多负面情绪,包括恐惧(“我怎么可能这么快就拿出这么多钱?”)、怨恨(“是谁,凭什么向我要这么多钱?”)、疲劳(“我还需要处理另一件事?我已经压力很大了!”)或沮丧(“为什么人们总是向我要钱?”)。当你姐姐想到她不能、不应该、不应该拿出钱的所有原因时,她的批判能力就会被激发起来。但如果你打电话给你姐姐说:“我知道我们最近没联系,但我真的很担心妈妈。我们需要一起想出最好的照顾她的方案”,并且如果你建议周末在一个你知道你姐姐喜欢的安静的地方共进午餐,你就不会触发这些情绪,她的批判能力也不会立即发挥作用。你将有更好的机会最终得到你想要的东西:你姐姐捐赠的 10,000 美元。

We instinctively embrace these different roles because we sense that the specific pretexts we choose can help determine whether we get what we want out of our social interactions. Let’s say your elderly mother is in declining health, and you must have a difficult conversation with your sister, with whom you are not particularly close, about generating funds to move her into a nursing home. If you framed the occasion for the conversation as “I want to talk to you because I need you to give me ten thousand dollars by the end of the month,” and if you held the conversation in a crowded, noisy bar right after a long day of work, when your sister was stressed and tired, the conversation might not go so well. When your sister hears the words “I need you to give me ten thousand dollars by the end of the month,” she might experience any number of negative emotions, including fear (“How will I possibly come up with that kind of money, and so quickly?”), resentment (“Who are you to ask me for that kind of money?”), fatigue (“Yet another thing I need to deal with? I’m stressed out already!”), or frustration (“Why are people always asking me for money?”). Your sister’s critical faculties will fire up as she thinks about all the reasons she can’t, shouldn’t, mustn’t come up with the money. But if you call your sister and say, “I know we haven’t spoken recently, but I’m really worried about Mom. We need to figure out together what the best option for her care is,” and if you suggest meeting for lunch over the weekend at a quiet place you know your sister likes, you won’t trigger these emotions, and her critical faculties won’t immediately engage. You’ll stand a better chance at eventually getting what you want: a $10,000 contribution from your sister.

借口通过含蓄地回答(或未能回答)四个关键问题来引发情绪,正如我们在介绍中看到的,每个人在开始与他人互动时都会问这些问题:这个人是谁?他们想要什么?互动需要多长时间?这个人是威胁吗?根据情况,其中一些问题当然已经得到回答:在上述场景中,你的妹妹显然知道你是谁,应该知道你不是威胁。但她可能不知道其他问题的答案。如果你的借口未能回答这些问题,由此产生的不确定性可能会引起她的恐惧或怀疑。你的借口暗示的令人不安的答案也会引发这些情绪。如果你直接向姐姐要 10,000 美元,你可能表明自己对她的生活方式构成了威胁——你在向她要钱。如果你过去曾与姐姐就钱问题进行过长时间、痛苦的谈话,那么公开要求钱可能会让她担心接下来会有一场漫长而痛苦的谈话。如果你以一个关心你的家庭成员的身份来处理这种情况,只想为你的母亲找到最好的护理方案,你可能不会被视为一个威胁。你的姐姐可能不会感到恐惧,而是可能会感受到爱、感激或一种认同感。

Pretexts elicit emotions by implicitly answering (or failing to answer) the four key questions that, as we saw in the introduction, everyone asks when beginning an interaction with another person: Who is this person? What do they want? How long will the interaction take? Is this person a threat? Depending on the situation, some of these questions will of course already be answered: Your sister in the above scenario obviously knows who you are and should know you aren’t a threat. But she might not know the answers to the other questions. If your pretext fails to answer them, the resulting uncertainty could elicit fear or doubt in her. Disturbing answers suggested by your pretext will trigger these emotions as well. By asking your sister straightaway for the $10,000, you might be identifying yourself as someone who poses a threat to her lifestyle—you’re demanding her money. If you’ve had long, torturous conversations in the past about money with your sister, the open request for money might leave her anxious that a long and painful conversation will ensue. By approaching the situation as a concerned family member who just wants to find the best care option for your mother, you probably won’t come across as a threat. Instead of fear, your sister might experience love, gratitude, or a sense of validation.

我们大多数人都不会过多考虑借口。虽然我们可能会在不同情况下展现自己的不同方面,但我们不会为了满足自己的需求而有策略地这样做。因此,我们可能会发现自己习惯性地依赖某些借口,即使这对我们没有帮助。我们习惯在家里扮演严厉的妈妈或爸爸,然后在工作或与朋友相处时也这样做。我们在学校扮演有趣的朋友,在与老板或其他权威人士交谈时忘记关掉这个角色。当我们习惯性的借口和相关的角色或身份对我们不起作用时,我们常常将自己的失败归咎于对方。在上述情况下,我们可能会没有得到我们想要的一万美元,并抱怨我们的姐姐“不讲道理”,或者她“没有得到”,或者“她是个十足的混蛋”。也许我们的姐姐真的是个糟糕的人。但也许我们没有很好地编造出一个有用或合适的借口。当我们在不合适的情况下仍使用相同的借口时,我们也会倾向于在失败面前举手投降,说:“对不起,这就是我,这就是我的个性。”呃,不,这不是你,这只是你个性的一部分。如果你努力,你可以在特定情况下培养你个性的其他部分,巧妙地编造借口来影响他人并获得你想要的结果。黑客总是出于邪恶的目的这样做。为什么你不能以更积极、更仁慈的方式去做呢?

Most of us don’t give much thought to pretexting. Although we might project different sides of ourselves in different contexts, we don’t do so strategically to match our needs. As a result, we might find ourselves falling back habitually on certain pretexts, even when it doesn’t help us. We get used to playing the disciplinarian mom or dad at home, and then replicate that at work or with our friends. We play the fun friend at school, forgetting to shut that off when we’re talking to a boss or other authority figure. When our habitual pretext and the associated role or identity don’t work for us, we often blame our failure on the other person. In the above scenario, we might come away without the ten grand we wanted and gripe that our sister was “being unreasonable,” or that she “didn’t get it,” or that “she’s a total jerk.” Maybe our sister really is an awful person. But maybe we didn’t do such a great job of framing a helpful or appropriate pretext. When we retain the same pretext even in inappropriate situations, we also tend to throw up our hands in the face of failure and say, “I’m sorry, that’s just who I am, that’s my personality.” Uh, no, it’s not who you are—it’s just a part of your personality. If you try, you can cultivate other parts of your personality in specific situations, crafting your pretexts strategically to influence others and get the results you want. Hackers do it for evil purposes all the time. Why can’t you do it in a more positive, benevolent way?

今晚,在你入睡之前,回想一下过去一天左右你参与的众多社交活动。你扮演了多少不同的角色?你是关心你的父母、有趣的朋友、严厉无情的老板?你是关心你的邻居、快乐、有爱心的配偶、好奇的学生?在心里列出这些角色,想想每个角色对你有多大帮助。你是否无意识地将适合某一情况的角色投射到其他情况中,而这些情况却没有起到什么作用?

Tonight, before you go to sleep, think back on the many social interactions you had during the past day or so. How many different roles did you play? Were you the concerned parent, the fun friend, the stern, unforgiving boss? Were you the concerned neighbor, the happy, loving spouse, the curious student? Make a mental list of these roles, and think about how effective each of them was for you. Were you unconsciously projecting a role appropriate in one situation into other situations where they proved less helpful?

想想最近有人向你提出要求,你同意的情况。想想另一个你拒绝请求的情况。在每种情况下,对方都使用了什么借口?为什么这个借口有效——或者无效?

Think of a recent situation in which someone asked you for something, and you agreed. Think of another in which you refused a request. What pretext did the person in each situation use? Why was it effective—or not?

你可能会反对说,精心编造借口虽然不算彻头彻尾的谎言,但仍然很糟糕,因为它涉及在与他人互动时的算计和密谋。但 我并不是要求你对家人和朋友虚伪。说话更谨慎并不是虚伪。你仍然允许“你”出来,只是在决定表达自己的哪一部分时要更小心一些。如果你是一个有道德的人,你就不会操纵别人,我将其定义为欺骗或强迫他们遵从你的愿望,以损害他们自己的利益(见第 6 章)。相反,你通过给他们一些他们想要的东西,让他们更愿意遵从。很多对话都是不假思索地展开的,让每个人都感到沮丧和更糟。部署一点策略来让我们的互动更愉快、更富有成效,不是更好、更明智吗?

You might object that crafting pretexts strategically, while not outright lying, is still bad, as it involves calculating and plotting in your interactions with others. But I’m not asking you to be fake with your family and friends. Being more deliberate about what you say isn’t being fake. You’re still allowing “you” to come out, just taking a bit more care in determining which part of yourself to express. And if you’re an ethical person, you’re not manipulating another person, which I define as tricking or forcing them to comply with your desires to their own detriment (see chapter 6). Rather, you’re making it more attractive for them to comply by giving them something they want, too. So many conversations unfold thoughtlessly, leaving everyone frustrated and worse off. Isn’t it better and wiser to deploy just a bit of strategy to make our interactions more pleasant and productive?

假设你的主管在走廊里向你走来,说严厉地说:“我明天三点需要和你见面。”当你问她有什么事时,她拒绝告诉你会议的内容以及为什么这么紧急。除非你老板的目的是通过制造恐惧来操纵你,否则她只是用了一个可怕的借口。这个邀请对你来说可能看起来不祥,你会在接下来的 24 小时内担心你做错了什么,即将被解雇。如果你的老板说:“嘿,上周在我们的客户会议上,只有几个小问题,不是什么大问题,但我想明天三点和你谈谈。”这样会容易得多,也更友善。有了这样的框架,你就不会那么焦虑,更好地准备处理谈话的实际内容。你也更有可能对老板说的话做出积极的反应,给她她想要的东西。

Let’s say your supervisor approaches you in the hallway and says sternly, “I need to meet with you tomorrow at three.” When you ask what’s up, she refuses to tell you what the meeting is about and why it’s so urgent. Unless your boss’s goal is to manipulate you by eliciting fear, she’s just deployed a horrible pretext. The invitation will likely seem ominous to you, and you’ll spend the next twenty-four hours fretting that you’ve done something wrong and are about to be fired. It would have been so much easier—and kinder—if your boss had said, “Hey, last week at our client meeting, there were just a couple of small issues, nothing serious, but I’d like to talk to you about them tomorrow at three.” With that framing, you’d be less anxious and better prepared to handle the actual substance of the conversation. You’d also be more likely to react positively to whatever your boss says, giving her what she wants.

借口是一种更富有同情心、更高效的谈话方式,因为它需要做一些不可思议、甚至激进的事情:花点时间考虑对方的情感需求。正如上一章所提到的,大多数人在开始谈话时都会思考自己想从中得到什么。要提出一个强有力的借口,你必须具备同理心,富有想象力地把自己置于对方的思维模式中,并相应地调整借口。作为老板,你会避免留下“明天三点见”的含糊信息,因为你了解你和员工之间的权力差异,而且你预料到含糊信息会给你的下属带来恐惧。作为一个寻求姐姐帮忙照顾年迈母亲的人,你会以最善良、最不具威胁性、最尊重的方式提出请求,因为你预料到你的姐姐可能很难拿出一万美元。我希望更多的人在开口之前考虑一下别人的感受、需求和愿望。世界会变得更温和。我们每个人都会得到更多我们想要的东西。

Pretexting is a more compassionate and productive way of entering a conversation because it entails doing something incredible, almost radical: taking a moment to think about the other person’s emotional needs. As mentioned in the last chapter, most people jump into conversations thinking about what they want out of it. To frame a strong pretext, you must make that empathetic leap, putting yourself imaginatively into the other person’s mindset, and adjusting your pretext accordingly. As a boss, you’ll avoid leaving a cryptic “meet me at three tomorrow” message because you understand the power differential between you and your employees, and you anticipate the fear that a cryptic message would generate in your subordinates. As someone seeking their sister’s help in caring for their aging mother, you’ll ask in the kindest, least threatening, most respectful way because you’re anticipating that your sister might find it hard to fork over ten grand. I wish more people thought about the feelings, needs, and desires of others before they opened their mouths. The world would be a gentler place. And all of us would get much more of what we want.

要想像专业人士一样找借口,你必须做好准备

To Pretext Like a Pro, You Have to PREPARE

现在你已经熟悉了借口以及它为何有效,让我们来谈谈如何做借口。在我的一生中,我自然而然地会使用借口(我猜几乎所有成功的黑客、骗子和骗子都有类似的经历)。即使在小时候,我也倾向于本能地计划我希望对话如何展开,考虑到我与之打交道的人以及他们的需求、愿望和心态。这种方法已经根深蒂固,以至于我在每分钟遇到人时都会自发地、几乎立即这样做。这看起来和感觉起来很像“即兴”这些互动,但在我的脑海里,我是在设置和构建它们。直到最近,当我试图教别人如何借口时,我才采取了更具分析性的策略。通过逆向工程我的心理过程,我开发了以下七步公式,用于在与他人进行对话时成功使用借口:

Now that you’re familiar with pretexting and why it works, let’s talk about how to do it. Throughout my life, I’ve performed pretexting naturally (and I’m guessing that almost all successful hackers, con men, and hustlers have similar experiences). Even as a kid, I tended to plan out instinctively how I’d want conversations to unfold, taking into account the person I was dealing with and what their needs, desires, and mindset might be. This approach became so ingrained that I’d do it spontaneously and almost instantly when encountering people minute-to-minute. It looked and felt a lot like “winging” these interactions, but in my mind I was setting them up and framing them. Only recently, as I’ve tried to teach others how to pretext, have I taken a more analytical tack. Reverse-engineering my mental process, I’ve developed the following seven-step formula for successful pretexting when instigating a conversation with someone else:

准备

PREPARE

  1. 问题:确定您要解决的问题。
  2. Problem: Identify the issue you’re trying to solve.
  3. 结果:指定您期望的结果。
  4. Result: Specify your desired outcome.
  5. E情绪状态:确定您希望在主题中看到的情绪。
  6. Emotional State: Identify the emotions you want to see in your subject.
  7. 挑衅:预测您需要投射或显示的情绪,以便在您的拍摄对象中产生所需的情绪。
  8. Provocation: Anticipate the emotions you need to project or display in order to generate the desired emotions in your subject.
  9. 激活:定义你的借口,现在应该非常清楚了。
  10. Activation: Define your pretext, which should be very clear now.
  11. 渲染:确定在何时何地以及如何最好地传递或呈现借口的具体细节。
  12. Rendering: Determine the specifics of where, when, and how best to deliver or render the pretext.
  13. E评估:在心里评估你的借口,确保它有坚实的事实依据,并能让人们因为遇见你而受益。
  14. Evaluation: Mentally evaluate your pretext to make sure it’s strongly rooted in truth and allows you to leave people better off for having met you.

在开始对话时,您首先需要在自己的脑海中明确需要解决的问题以及想要的结果(步骤 1 和 2)。您可能会听说您的十几岁的女儿 Natalie 一直在偷偷地和一个叫 David 的大学生发短信,尽管您明确指示她不要与他有任何联系。这似乎是一个非常明显的问题,但您可以更具体一点:在与 David 发短信时,Natalie 不仅故意违反了家规,还当着您的面撒谎(您问她是否与 David 联系过,她否认与他有任何联系)。

In sparking a conversation, you first need to clarify in your own mind what issue you need to solve, and the outcome you seek (steps #1 and 2). You might hear that your teenage daughter Natalie has been secretly texting with a college guy named David, despite your express instructions that she avoid all contact with him. That seems like a pretty clear problem, but you can be more specific: in texting with David, who incidentally has recently been arrested on drug charges, Natalie not only deliberately broke a house rule, but also lied to your face about it (you’d asked her whether she’d been in touch with David, and she’d denied having any contact with him).

澄清问题的细微差别可以让你更好地了解谈话中涉及的利害关系。许多父母在这种情况下可能会直接实施惩罚,而没有理解行为问题的根本原因。在质问娜塔莉发短信的问题时,你可能会决定你特别在意她的谎言以及娜塔莉的朋友大卫可能与毒品有关。因此,对于这种严重问题,你的目标可能不仅仅是让她对自己的行为负责,而是让她开诚布公地告诉你她做了什么以及为什么这么做。你需要了解她的情况,她是否在吸毒,以及为什么她觉得她可以偷偷地违反你的家规。如果你能找到问题的根源并共同努力解决问题,你可能会为更信任的关系奠定基础,这反过来会让她在未来变得更加诚实和行为得当。

Clarifying these nuances of the problem gives you a better sense of what’s at stake in the conversation. Many parents in a situation like this might jump straight to meting out a punishment, failing to understand the root causes of a behavior problem. In confronting Natalie about her texting, you might decide that you’re especially bothered by the lying and the possibility that Natalie’s friend David is linked to drugs. Your goal for a problem of this magnitude thus might not be just to get her to take responsibility for her actions, but rather to get her to speak openly and honestly with you about what she did and why. You need to understand what is going on with her, whether she is using drugs, and why she felt like she could sneakily break your house rules. If you can get to the root of the problem and work together to resolve it, you might lay the foundation for a more trusting relationship, which in turn would yield more honesty and better behavior on her part going forward.

明确目标反过来又能让你解决第 3 步。让娜塔莉感受到愤怒、恐惧或羞愧等情绪可能不会让她愿意向你吐露这个话题。如果你能让她感到轻微的悲伤,并让她对你的担忧和恐惧产生一些同情,那可能会奏效。鉴于你的目标是让她感到低水平的悲伤,你应该考虑在谈话中需要传达什么情绪来唤起她的悲伤(第 4 步)。在许多情况下,你可以通过自己表达同样的情绪来引起别人的情绪。如果娜塔莉看到你富有同情心,有点难过,她可能也会有同样的感觉。这种洞察力反过来又揭示了你的借口(第 5 步)。你不能通过说她搞砸了,你需要谈论这件事来开始谈话。这只会引起恐惧。相反,你要扮演“善良体贴的父母”的角色,以一种更安静、更有同理心的方式展开对话。例如,你可以告诉她,你想和她谈谈,因为你想听听她对家里出现的一个重要问题的反馈。你提出这个借口(步骤#6)时,同样会感到平静、安静和富有同理心,以配合借口。你可以走到你的女儿身边,拍拍她的肩膀,说这样的话:“嘿,亲爱的,我们可以聊一会儿吗?我知道时间不早了,你可能累了——你一晚上都在做作业。但有件事真的让我很困扰,我想和你讨论一下。”

Clarifying your goal will in turn allow you to address step #3. Causing Natalie to feel emotions like anger, fear, or shame will probably not make her want to confide in you around this topic. If you could induce a mild sadness in her as well as some compassion for your worries and fears, that might work. Given that you’re aiming for low-level sadness, you should consider what emotion you need to convey during the conversation to evoke sadness in her (step #4). In many situations, you can elicit emotions in others by expressing those same emotions yourself. If Natalie sees that you’re empathetic and a bit sad, she’ll probably feel that way, too. This insight in turn sheds light on your pretext (step #5). You can’t initiate a conversation by saying that she’s screwed up bad and you need to talk about it. That will only elicit fear. Rather, you’ll want to play the role of the “kind and considerate parent,” framing the conversation in a quieter, more empathetic way. You might tell her, for instance, that you’d like to talk to her because you want to get her feedback on an important issue that’s come up around the house. Your delivery of this pretext (step #6) will likewise feel calm, quiet, and empathetic to match the pretext. You might go over to your daughter, tap her on the shoulder, and say something like, “Hey, sweetie, can we talk for a second? I know it’s getting late and you’re probably tired—you’ve been doing homework all night. But there’s something that’s really bothering me that I’d like to discuss.”

现在你已经想好了借口并计划好了如何实施,你必须问问自己:这合乎道德吗?希望答案是肯定的。“善良体贴的父母”可能是你性格中很重要的一部分,所以你没有撒谎。借口和实施会让娜塔莉因为认识你而过得更好。如果这能让她信任你,帮助她向你敞开心扉,你们双方从长远来看都会享受更好的关系。从短期来看,她会觉得自己被父母爱着、尊重着、关心着。其他方式可能都无法通过道德测试。想象一下,如果你小时候从未吸过毒,你选择以善良体贴的父母的名义告诉她这个复杂、痛苦、虚假的故事,讲述你曾经是一个重度可卡因吸食者,亲眼看到别人在你面前吸毒过量,被捕过,亲身体验了毒品的危害。从短期来看,这个故事可能会产生预期的效果,说服她远离毒品和她的朋友大卫,但如果如果她发现这个故事是假的,她会感到受伤和被背叛。这次谈话会让她因为遇见你而感到更难过,也许会永久损害你们的关系。

Now that you’ve framed your pretext and planned its execution, you must ask yourself: Is it ethical? The answer, hopefully, is a clear yes. The “kind and considerate parent” might be a significant part of who you are, so you’re not lying. The pretext and its execution will leave Natalie better off for having met you. If it engenders trust in her, helping her to open up with you, you’ll both enjoy a better relationship over the long term. In the short term, she’ll feel as if she is loved, respected, and cared for by her parent. Other ways of executing this pretext probably wouldn’t have passed the ethical test. Imagine if you had never tried drugs as a kid, and in the guise of being the kind and considerate parent you chose to tell her this elaborate, painful, and false story of how you had been a heavy cocaine user, saw people overdose in front of you, had gotten arrested, and learned firsthand how bad drugs are. In the short term, the story might have its desired effect, convincing her to stay away from drugs and her friend David, but if she ever discovered that the story was false, she would feel hurt and betrayed. The conversation would leave her feeling a lot worse for having met you, perhaps permanently damaging your relationship.

请注意,根据我们的谈话进展,你可能发现有必要在中途采用新的借口。如果你在与娜塔莉交谈的过程中得知,她一直在给大卫发短信,因为他们俩正计划一起私奔,你可能想放弃“善良体贴的父母”的借口,而扮演严厉的“严厉父母”的角色。如果你得知她并没有和新晋毒品沙皇大卫发短信,而是和她社会研究班上另一个叫“大卫”的男孩发短信,这个男孩和她同龄,是个好孩子,那么你可能会为自己的怀疑道歉,祝贺她的诚实,并告诉她你为她感到多么自豪,借口是“强烈支持父母”。我们在日常生活中与他人的复杂互动经常会(或应该)导致我们在谈话出现意想不到的曲折时采用多个借口。不过,我们采用的最重要的借口是最初的借口,因为这将决定谈话是否能够开始富有成效地展开。如果你的女儿一开始就感到愤怒或恐惧,她可能无法对你说的话做出合乎逻辑的回应,也无法理解你的处境。你们的谈话将毫无进展。

Note that you might find it necessary to adopt a new pretext midstream, depending on how our conversation unfolds. If you learn in the course of talking with Natalie that she’s been texting David because the two of them are planning to run off together, you might want to ditch the “kind and considerate parent” pretext and adopt the role of the stern, “disciplinarian parent.” If you learn that she hasn’t been texting with budding drug czar David, but rather with another boy named “David” from her social studies class who is her age and a good kid, then you might apologize for being suspicious, congratulate her on her honesty, and tell her how proud you are of her, adopting the pretext of being the “strongly supportive parent.” The complex interactions we have with others in our daily lives often do (or should) lead us to adopt multiple pretexts as a conversation takes unexpected twists and turns. Still, the most important pretext we adopt is the initial one, as that will determine whether a conversation can even begin to unfold productively. If your daughter felt anger or fear at the outset, she probably wouldn’t have been able to respond logically to what you were saying, or to feel empathy with your position. Your conversation would have gone nowhere.

我在这里举了一个育儿例子,但你可以在任何场合使用 PREPARE 框架,让对话有一个富有成效的开端。在我公司举办活动的一次大型行业会议上,我们团队成员忙得不可开交,做着无数的事情,以确保我们的活动取得圆满成功。我们的一名团队成员,一个聪明的二十多岁的男子,名叫文斯,13 岁,在行动中失踪了,没有人知道他在哪里。我给他打电话,给他发短信——什么都没有。我很生气。我们需要他的时候,这个人 在哪里?

I’ve developed a parenting example here, but you can use the PREPARE framework in any setting to get conversations off to a productive start. At a big industry conference where my company was holding an event, members of our team were racing around doing a million things to make sure that our event was a rousing success. One of our team members, a bright twentysomething man named Vince,13 was missing in action, and nobody knew where he was. I called him, texted him—nothing. I was ticked. Where was this guy when we needed him?

半小时后,文斯从桌子底下钻出来,让所有人都大吃一惊。过去九十分钟里,他一直躺在那里打盹。我的第一反应是当场解雇他。但我冷静下来,在脑海里回顾了 PREPARE 模型的七个步骤,进行了一次非常不同的谈话。我走近他,假装自己是“有同理心的老板”。我的目标是了解他到底发生了什么事情导致他出现这种行为,这样我就可以确定我是否可以做些什么来纠正它。

A half hour later, Vince surprised everyone by emerging from under a table. For the past ninety minutes he’d been lying down there, taking a nap. My first inclination was to fire him on the spot. But I calmed myself down, ran through the seven steps of the PREPARE model in my mind, and had a very different kind of conversation. Approaching him, I adopted the pretext of the “empathetic boss.” My goal was to learn what had been going on with him to produce this behavior, so that I could determine if there was anything I could do to fix it.

“嗨,”我说,“我们找你的时候真的压力很大。我们都计划好了要为活动做些什么准备,以及每个人的角色有多重要。你不在这里的时候,我们很担心。我们不知道你是死是活。你能解释一下你为什么消失了一个半小时吗?”文斯脸红了,说他很尴尬,不想谈论这件事。“我很抱歉这很尴尬,”我说,“但我只是想让你知道你没事。”文斯告诉我,他扭伤了背,疼痛难忍,所以他吃了一些医生开的药,坐在地板上,最后爬到桌子底下睡着了。他说,他太痛苦了,根本动弹不得。

“Hey,” I said, “we were really stressed out looking for you. We’d all planned out what we’d be doing to prepare for the event, and how important every person’s role was. When you weren’t here, we were worried. We didn’t know if you were dead or alive. Can you please explain why you disappeared for an hour and a half?” Vince reddened and said he was embarrassed and didn’t want to talk about it. “I’m sorry it’s embarrassing,” I said, “but I just need to understand that you’re okay.” Vince told me that he’d strained his back and was in great pain, so he took some medicine he’d been prescribed, sat down on the floor, and wound up crawling under the table and falling asleep. He had been in so much pain, he said, that he just couldn’t move.

如果文斯的回答不同,告诉我他睡着了是因为他是个酒鬼,而且前一天晚上喝醉了,我可能会放弃“善解人意的老板”的借口,成为“严厉的老板”,告诉他必须振作起来,因为他的行为妨碍了他的表现,影响了我们团队的交付能力。但现在我听了他的解释,觉得很有道理,我可以坚持说“善解人意的老板”。“听着,”我说,“我知道这很尴尬。我以前也受过这样的伤。下次再发生这种情况,就告诉我。如果你需要的话,我可能会告诉你休息一个小时,或者如果你疼得无法工作,我甚至会让你回家。”文斯感谢了我,并在会议的剩余时间里继续做好他的工作。从那以后,当他的背痛出现时,他就会告诉我爆发了,我们已经做出了调整。听到我温和合理的反应,其他团队成员来找我谈论他们可能阻碍其表现的身体问题。我避免了与员工之间的许多误会,并建立了更多的信任——这一切都要归功于借口的魔力。如果我只是出于愤怒而斥责文斯并解雇他,我就不会知道真正发生了什么。他会失业,而我则不得不努力寻找他的替代者。我们俩都会失败。

If Vince had answered differently, telling me that he’d fallen asleep because he was an alcoholic and had gotten tanked the night before, I might have abandoned the “empathetic boss” pretext and become the “stern boss,” telling him that he had to pull himself together because his behavior was impeding his performance and affecting our team’s ability to deliver. But now that I’d heard his explanation and found it reasonable, I could stick with “empathetic boss.” “Look,” I said, “I get that this is embarrassing. I’ve had injuries like this before. The next time it happens, just tell me about it. I’ll probably tell you to take an hour if you need it, or even to go home if you’re in too much pain to work.” Vince thanked me, and went on to do his job well for the rest of the conference. Since then, he’s informed me when his back pain has flared up, and we’ve made accommodations. Hearing about my gentle and reasonable reaction, other team members have come to me to talk about physical problems they’re having that might be impeding their performance. I’ve averted any number of misunderstandings with my employees and built up much more trust—all thanks to the magic of pretexting. If I’d just ripped into Vince out of anger and fired him, I wouldn’t have learned about what had really happened. He’d be out of a job, and I’d be stuck trying to find his replacement. Both of us would have lost.

使用 PREPARE

Working with PREPARE

尝试使用 PREPARE 来准备日常生活中的重要对话。前几次,将步骤写在纸上,以确保您能理解。这样做可能需要五到十分钟,但不要担心。几天或几周后,您会发现借口已经成为第二天性,您将能够在几秒钟内即兴地想出一个借口,而无需写下任何东西。更广泛地说,您将养成在开始对话之前思考的习惯,包括您想从对话中得到什么,对方的心态是什么,以及如何最好地构建对话以产生所需的情感影响。您还将养成在互动过程中摆脱情绪、恢复镇静并更平静地与他人交往的至关重要的习惯。所有这些都将使您在社交互动中更加自信,并且更加意识到其他人与您使用的借口。

Try using PREPARE to, yes, prepare for important conversations in your daily life. The first few times, write out the steps on a piece of paper, just to make sure you get them. Doing so might take you five to ten minutes, but don’t worry. After a few days or weeks, you’ll find that pretexting has become second nature, and that you’ll be able to develop a pretext in a matter of a few seconds on the fly, without writing anything down. More broadly, you’ll get in the habit of thinking about conversations before beginning them, including what you want out of them, what the other person’s mindset is, and how best to frame a conversation to have the desired emotional impact. You’ll also develop the critically important habit of breaking away from your emotions during interactions, regaining your composure, and engaging with others more calmly. All of this will leave you far more confident in your social interactions, and more conscious of the pretexts that others are using with you.

当你考虑自己想要在别人身上唤起的情绪和自己想要表现出的情绪时(步骤 3 和 4),检查这些情绪是否不是负面的。同样,你的最终目标是得到你想要的东西,同时让对方过得更好。如果你在对方心中激起负面情绪,比如恐惧或愤怒,那么对方会感觉更好。PREPARE 框架中的每一步都必须让人们过得更好或与这一目标保持一致。否则,你很可能会陷入操纵的黑暗境地,你赢了,而对方却因为你们的互动而输了。不要去那里。

As you consider the emotions you seek to evoke in others and those you wish to display yourself (steps #3 and 4), check that those emotions aren’t negative. Again, your ultimate goal here is to get what you want while leaving the other party better off. It’s unlikely that the other party will feel better off if you’re evoking a negative emotion in them, like fear or anger. Every step in the PREPARE framework has to either leave people better off or align with that aim. Otherwise, you’re likely veering into the darker realm of manipulation, where you win and the other party loses as a result of your interaction. Don’t go there.

还要检查你选择的借口是否真的符合你和你的个性。无论我多么努力,我都不会在闯入大楼时假装自己是一个 25 岁的女大学生——这根本不可能发生。即使那是特定情况下的理想借口,我也需要想出其他借口。在我的个人生活中,我永远无法扮演“狂野而疯狂的单身朋友”——这不是我的本性,我的朋友也不会相信。

Check as well that the pretext you’re choosing really is consistent with you and your personality. No matter how hard I might try, I will never pass myself off as a twenty-five-year-old college girl when breaking into a building—it just won’t happen. Even if that would be the ideal pretext for a given situation, I’ll need to come up with something else. In my personal life, I’ll never be able to pull off the “wild and crazy bachelor friend”—it’s just not who I am, and none of my buddies would buy it.

有些借口虽然很合适,但也会让我们大吃一惊,因为这些借口似乎也与别人对我们的看法不一致。如果你让你的姐姐帮忙照顾你年迈的母亲,你没有邀请她去她最喜欢的餐厅吃饭,而是带她去温泉周末,尽管你以前从未做过类似的事情,但一旦你向她提出这个问题,你的姐姐可能会觉得你被操纵了。谈话会显得刻意而不真诚,因为你做了一些明显不符合你性格的事情。另一方面,如果你们以前经常一起去温泉周末,这可能正是你想要的借口。

Some ways of delivering an otherwise suitable pretext will also blow up in our faces because they, too, seem at odds with the people others take us to be. If you’re asking your sister to help out with your aging mother’s care, and instead of inviting her to dinner at one of her favorite restaurants, you take her away for a spa weekend, even though you’ve never done anything close to that before, your sister will probably feel manipulated once you pose the question to her. The conversation will appear calculated and inauthentic, since you’ve done something that’s perceptibly out of character for you. On the other hand, if you’ve often gone away for spa weekends before together, this might be exactly the way you’d want to execute the pretext.

你可能认为,在编造借口时,为了迎合对方,你应该稍微多花点心思。我讨厌打高尔夫,但如果我想让一个潜在的商业伙伴感到舒服,这样我就能更轻松地谈判,如果我知道这个人喜欢打高尔夫,我难道不应该忍受并为我们安排一场比赛吗?根本不应该。因为我讨厌打高尔夫,而且打得很糟糕,所以我会在整个出游过程中感到沮丧和紧张,这会阻止我表达激发潜在伴侣所需情感所需的情感。如果很明显我真的不喜欢打高尔夫,我的潜在伴侣就会开始觉得我在安排比赛时不真诚。仅仅因为你关注对方及其情感并不意味着你应该忽视自己的情感。安排一次与你们双方性格和品味相当契合的郊游,这样你们都可以放松并享受。

You might suppose that you should stretch a little when creating a pretext so as to accommodate the other party. I hate golf, but if I’m trying to make a potential business partner feel comfortable so that I can have an easier time negotiating a deal, and if I know that this person loves golf, shouldn’t I just suck it up and arrange a game for us? Not at all. Since I hate golf and am terrible at it, I’ll spend the entire outing frustrated and stressed, which will prevent me from expressing the emotions required to evoke the desired emotions in my potential partner. If it became obvious that I really disliked golf, my potential partner would start to feel as if I had been inauthentic in setting up a game. Just because you’re focusing on the other person and their emotions doesn’t mean you should neglect your own. Arrange an outing that conforms reasonably well with both of your personalities and tastes, so that you can both relax and enjoy yourselves.

一个警告:假设你的姐姐喜欢打高尔夫球,而你讨厌打高尔夫球。如果你必须安排一次谈话,请她帮助你生病的母亲,你仍然可以建议打一场高尔夫球,如果你安排如下:“看,明年我似乎要出去打高尔夫球,因为我要和一些客户见面。我们下周可以去球场打三四个洞吗,这样你就可以教我怎么打高尔夫球了?我知道你真的很喜欢打高尔夫球,我不想在客户面前丢脸。”假设你明年真的要和客户打高尔夫球,而且担心自己会丢脸,这将是与你姐姐谈话的好借口。她会处在一个她喜欢的环境中,你会得到一些你真正需要的高尔夫指导。同时,你让你的姐姐处于权威地位,让她感到有权力、被认可和重要——所有这些积极的情绪都可能使她更容易接受你关于你母亲的请求。

One caveat: Let’s say your sister loves golf, and you hate it. If you have to arrange a conversation to ask her for help with your ailing mother, you might still suggest a golf game if you set it up as follows: “Look, next year it looks like I’m going to have to go out golfing because of some client meetings I have. Could we go out on the course next week and play three or four holes so that you could show me how to play? I know you really love it, and I don’t want to embarrass myself with my clients.” Assuming that you really would have to golf with clients next year and were worried about embarrassing yourself, this would be a great pretext for a conversation with your sister. She’ll be in an environment she loves, and you’ll get some golf instruction, which you really need. Meanwhile, you’re putting your sister in a position of authority, leaving her feeling empowered, validated, and important—all positive emotions that might make her more receptive to your request about your mother.

当你考虑如何执行你的借口时,请记住:你所做的或说的一切都必须符合这些借口,否则你的借口就会显得站不住脚。如果你要参加孩子的学校会议,而你的借口是“负责任的父母”,那么不要散发大麻味,也不要穿一件贴有大麻叶贴纸的 T 恤。如果你自称是“耐心和细心的朋友”,那么不要每隔三秒钟就检查一次你的 iPhone。如果你想成为“有同情心的父亲”,那么不要大发雷霆,说“你到底怎么了?”这样的话。

As you consider how to execute your pretexts, remember: everything you do or say has to align with them, or your pretext will seem flimsy. If you’re attending a school meeting for your kid and your pretext is “the responsible parent,” don’t reek of pot and wear a T-shirt with a decal of marijuana leaves on it. If you’re claiming to be the “patient and attentive friend,” don’t check your iPhone every three seconds. And if you’re trying to be the “empathetic dad,” don’t blow your top and say things like, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

确保不要因为最初的失败而放弃太快地拒绝你的借口。想象一下,当你请求你姐姐帮忙照顾年迈的母亲时,你听到她的拒绝,然后你生气地脱口而出:“我就知道你会是个自私的人!这太典型了!”你会在姐姐眼中显得多么不真诚。你最好还是保持借口,并这样回答:“我知道,这是一个巨大的要求,而且需要很多钱。这也是我所苦苦挣扎的地方。如果我们都负担不起,你认为我们能做什么?”这样的回答可以让谈话继续下去,让你继续认可你的姐姐并请求她的帮助。你可能无法得到你想要的一切,但你仍然可以得到一些东西。也许你的姐姐会回答说:“听着,现在我刚修了一次大修车,我不想重新抵押房子。我现在可以负担得起两三千美元,我会在接下来的八到九个月里尽可能多地捐。这样可以吗?”如果您的借口被揭穿并大喊大叫,她可能永远不会提出这个提议。

Be sure as well not to let an initial failure prompt you to abandon your pretext too quickly. Imagine how inauthentic you would appear to your sister if, when asking for help caring for your aging mother, you hear a no from her and then angrily blurt out: “I knew you were going to be a selfish pig! How typical!” You’re far better off staying in pretext and responding with something like, “I know, this is a huge ask and a ton of money. That is what I am struggling with, too. What do you think we can do if we both can’t afford it?” Such a response keeps the conversation going, allowing you to continue to validate your sister and request her help. You might not obtain everything you want, but you could still get something. Maybe your sister will reply, “Look, right now I just had a massive car repair, and I don’t want to re-mortgage the house. I can afford to contribute two or three thousand dollars now, and I’ll give more as I can over the next eight to nine months. Is that okay?” She might never have put forward this offer if you had broken your pretext and yelled.

父母们会发现这种动态很熟悉。你正坐在沙发上,你那珍贵、美丽的五岁小女儿爬到你身上。她温柔地拥抱你,亲吻你的脸颊,说:“爸爸,我爱你。”当你的心里充满爱和幸福时,她说:“我可以在网上买到我想要的新玩具吗?拜托,爸爸?”你看着她说:“对不起,亲爱的,现在不行。”她的脸红了,她说:“你为什么这么刻薄??”她刚刚放弃了自己的借口。

Parents will find this dynamic familiar. You’re sitting there on the couch, and your precious, beautiful, little five-year-old daughter comes crawling up on you. She gently hugs you and kisses your cheek and says, “Daddy, I love you.” As your heart swells with love and happiness, she says, “Can I get this new toy I want online? Pleeeeeaassseeee, Daddy?” You look at her and say, “Sorry, honey, not right now.” Her face reddens, and she says, “WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN??” She just broke with her pretext.

相反,我的女儿阿玛雅和我曾经开过一次会,我告诉她三四次不要到处乱跑,不要发出那么多噪音。“如果你再这样做,”我说,“我们就去后面打她屁股。”你猜怎么着?她照做了。

Conversely, my own daughter Amaya and I were once in a meeting, and I told her three or four times to stop running around and making so much noise. “If you do this again,” I said, “we’ll go in the back for a spanking.” Guess what? She did it.

我站起来,叫她跟我走,说了句父亲常用的、不祥的话:“你知道现在会发生什么。”当我们到了后面的房间时,我说:“阿玛娅,我告诉过你五次不要噪音,而且你知道后果,所以现在必须有一些纪律。”

I stood up and told her to come with me, saying the normal, ominous dad thing: “You know what has to happen now.” When we got to the back room, I said, “Amaya, I told you five times not to make noise, and you know the consequences, so now there has to be some discipline.”

她抬头看着我,抓住我的手,说:“爸爸,我很抱歉。我知道你警告过我,现在该是我挨打的时候了,但在你打之前,我们可以坐在这里一会儿吗,这样我可以拥抱你,告诉你我有多抱歉?”

She looked up at me, grabbed my hands, and said, “Daddy, I’m sorry. I know you warned me and now it’s time for my spanking, but before you do, can we just sit here for a minute so I can give you a hug to tell you how sorry I am?”

“你认为这会让你失去纪律吗?”我问道。

“Do you think this is going to get you out of discipline?” I asked.

“不,爸爸,”她说,“我知道你必须这么做——你警告过我。但我真的很抱歉。”说完她就张开双臂抱住了我,紧紧地抱住了我。她亲吻了我的脸颊,然后说:“好吧,我准备好了。”

“No, Daddy,” she said. “I know you have to do this—you warned me. But I am really sorry.” And with that she threw her arms around me and hugged me really tight. She kissed me on the cheek and then said, “Okay, I’m ready.”

那天她不仅没有挨打,而且她这辈子再也没有挨过我的打。坚持借口非常重要

Not only did she not get a spanking that day, but she never received one again in her life from me. Sticking with pretext is so important.

保持借口和执行的简单性也很重要。你不需要考虑每一个细节。以我的员工文斯为例,他因为背痛而缺席了。如果我试图与“富有同情心的老板”展开对话,我不需要以表达同情的名义,详细地告诉文斯我上次经历的严重伤害,这些伤害影响了我的工作表现。几个精心挑选的细节就可以了。如果我说得太多,我可能会让文斯感到厌烦,让他很失望。更糟糕的是,我可能会给人留下“太努力”与他建立联系的印象。他会怀疑我是在为这次谈话准备自己的别有用心。他会认为我很虚伪,不太愿意信任我。

It’s also vital to keep your pretexts and their execution simple. You don’t need to think through every last detail. Consider the example of my employee Vince who was MIA because of his back pain. If I’m trying to initiate a conversation by the “compassionate boss,” I don’t need to tell Vince in excruciating detail about every last time I experienced a terrible injury that affected my on-the-job performance, in the guise of conveying my empathy. A couple of well-chosen details will do. If I say too much, I might frustrate Vince by boring him to tears. Even worse, I might come across as “trying too hard” to forge a connection with him. He’ll suspect that I’ve scripted this conversation with my own ulterior motives in mind. He’ll see me as fake and be less inclined to confide in me.

在执行借口时,通过调动我们在上一章中讨论的 DISC 分析来提高你的水平。假设你是一位老板,你需要提醒表现不佳的员工他们做错了什么,并激励他们付出更多努力,做得更好。如果你的员工是“I”型的人,非常外向、热情洋溢,并且如果他们的表达带有情绪,您可能希望以书面形式传达您的借口,同时提供面对面或电话后续对话。如果您最初以对话形式提供反馈,他们可能会变得防御性十足,与您逐一争论。您最终会进行辩论而不是富有成效的对话。以书面形式提供反馈将使他们有时间克服情绪并处理您所说的内容。

When executing pretexts, up your game by mobilizing the DISC analysis we discussed in the last chapter. Let’s say you’re a boss, and you need to alert your underperforming employee to what they’re doing wrong and motivate them to put out more effort and do better. If your employee is an “I” type who is very outgoing, effuse, and emotional in their expression, you might wish to deliver your pretext in writing while also offering a follow-up conversation in person or over the phone. If you present the feedback initially in conversational form, they’ll likely become defensive, arguing with you point for point. You’ll wind up having a debate rather than a productive conversation. Delivering your feedback in writing will allow them time to get past their emotions and process what you’re saying.

相反,如果你的员工属于“C”类,那么打电话或当面会面可能更合适。你的“C”类员工希望详细了解你的反馈,而通过交谈,你可以充分解释自己,并处理员工的澄清问题。如果你的员工属于“D”类,那么打电话或当面会面也可能会很合适。“D”类员工不需要太多细节——他们希望你直接与他们沟通,并快速切入主题。如果给 D 类员工发一封冗长的电子邮件,他们更有可能对你的反馈感到沮丧,无论反馈的内容和真实性如何。

If your employee is a “C” type, by contrast, a phone call or in-person meeting might be preferable. Your “C”-type employee will want to understand your feedback in detail, and a conversation will allow you to explain yourself fully and handle your employee’s clarifying questions. A phone call or in-person meeting might also be indicated if your employee is a “D” type. “D”s don’t need a ton of detail—they want you to be direct with them and get quickly to the point. Send a D a lengthy email, and they’re more inclined to become frustrated with your feedback, regardless of its substance and veracity.

这里更一般的一点是做好功课。事先收集有关你感兴趣的人的信息,就像我试图攻破的仓库一样。你知道的越多,你就越清楚哪些借口有效,哪些借口无效。这听起来可能有点可怕,但当我准备与某人进行一场艰难的谈话时,我会查看他们最近的社交媒体帖子,寻找可能与我们需要解决的问题相关的生活发展线索。有时,这些线索可以帮助我更清楚地确定谈话的目标,或者提出一个对他们来说更有可能看起来相关或有趣的借口。我发现的信息还可以阻止我说或做一些几乎肯定会让他们反感的事情。举一个极端的例子,如果我通过社交媒体得知我打算向他求助的朋友失去了一只心爱的宠物,我显然不会以询问他的狗怎么样来开始谈话。相反,我可能会表示哀悼。

A more general point here is to do your homework. Gather information about your person of interest beforehand, as I did with the warehouse I was seeking to compromise. The more you know, the more clarity you will have about which pretexts will or will not work. It might sound creepy, but when I’m gearing up for a difficult conversation with someone, I’ll check their recent social media postings, searching for clues about developments in their life that might relate to the problem we need to resolve. Sometimes, such clues help me define my goals for the conversation more clearly or frame a pretext that is more likely to seem relevant or interesting to them. Information I uncover also prevents me from saying or doing something that is almost guaranteed to turn them off. As an extreme example, if I learn via social media that a friend whom I plan to approach for a favor has lost a beloved pet, I obviously wouldn’t initiate the conversation by asking how his dog is. Instead, I might offer my condolences.

准备工作虽然重要,但也不能过度。如果你的故事太完美,或者你加入了太多无关的细节,那么你就会在你的目标人物的脑海中敲响警钟。力求在自发性和准备之间取得平衡,因为这将使对话听起来更真实。正如我告诉我的学生,你可以练习自发性,尽管这听起来可能很矛盾。挑战自己去公共场所,与完全陌生的人进行非脚本对话,目的是从他们那里获取一条简单的信息,比如他们的全名或生日。不要计划你的借口——只要接近人们并开始对话。尝试不同的开场白,看看会发生什么。有时你会成功,有时你会失败。当你进行多次这样的对话时,你会发现自己在即兴创作新的开场白,或者对之前的台词和表达方式进行小小的即兴调整。您将会更好地了解如何与陌生人交往,并且会感到更自在地自发地与陌生人交往。

As important as preparation is, you don’t want to take it to excess. If your story is too perfect, or again, if you include too much extraneous detail, you set off alarm bells in your person of interest’s mind. Aim for a balance between spontaneity and preparation, as that will give the conversation a ring of authenticity. As I tell my students, you can actually practice being spontaneous, as contradictory as that might sound. Challenge yourself to visit a public place and hold unscripted conversations with complete strangers with the aim of eliciting from them a single, simple piece of information, like their full name or date of birth. Don’t map out your pretext—just approach people and start conversations. Try different opening lines and see what happens. Sometimes you’ll succeed, other times you’ll fail. As you hold a number of these conversations, you’ll find yourself improvising new opening lines or making small, impromptu tweaks to your previous lines and to your delivery. You’ll walk away with a better sense of how to engage with strangers, and you’ll feel much more comfortable doing so spontaneously.

良好开端的力量

The Power of a Good Beginning

正如我们在本章中看到的,借口是一种安排谈话的艺术,这样别人就会同意继续谈话,而在这种情况下,他们可能会毫不客气地把门关在你面前——事实上,当理性或传统智慧几乎要求他们应该这样做时。如果你提供了一个绝妙的借口,引发了别人的正确情绪,并阻碍了他们的批判性思维过程,你就可以暂时让他们的小门敞开,因为你让他们给你一个机会。即使是看似不可能的事情也可以触手可及。

As we’ve seen in this chapter, pretexting is the art of setting up conversations so that other people will agree to continue them, in situations when they might otherwise slam the door unceremoniously in your face—indeed, when reason or conventional wisdom almost dictates that they should. If you deliver an amazing pretext, eliciting the right emotions in others and short-circuiting their critical thinking processes, you can keep that little door of theirs cracked open for the time being, because you’re making them want to give you a chance. Even the seemingly impossible can remain in reach.

我在介绍中提到,我曾经成功说服一家高档餐厅的老板雇用我,尽管我没有任何经验。我当场给出令人信服的借口的能力至关重要。我对新职业感到厌倦,渴望尝试新事物。看到路标上写着“招聘厨师”,我要求与主厨谈话。本能地采用“超级自信但不自大的求职者”作为借口,我握了握他的手说:“嗨,我是克里斯。我是你的新厨师。”我希望他对我有信心,相信我能胜任这份工作。为了引起这种情绪,我决定自己表现出自信,并用轻松和有趣的感觉来缓和它。

I mentioned in the introduction that I once managed to convince the owner of a fancy restaurant to hire me, even though I had zero experience. My ability to deliver a compelling pretext on the spot was critical. I was bored in my new career, and eager to try something new. Spotting a road sign that said, “chef wanted,” I asked to speak to the head chef. Instinctively adopting “the uber-confident-but-not-cocky job applicant” as my pretext, I shook his hand and said, “Hi, I’m Chris. I’m your new chef.” I wanted him to feel confident in me, trusting that I could do the job. To elicit that emotion, I decided that I would display confidence myself, tempering it with a sense of lightheartedness and fun.

“好的,”他说。“你的简历呢?你有什么资历?”

“Okay,” he said. “Where’s your résumé? What credentials do you have?”

“我没有任何资历,”我回答道。“我不需要它们。你应该尝尝我做的菜。我的饭菜就是我的简历。”

“I don’t have any credentials,” I replied. “I don’t need them. You should taste what I can cook. My meal will be my résumé.”

“好吧,”他指着身后的工业冰箱和炉灶说道,“给我做点东西吧。”

“Fine,” he said, gesturing behind him toward the industrial refrigerator and the stovetop. “Cook me something.”

我走到冰箱前,拿出一些肉、蔬菜、椰奶和香料,给他做了一些泰国菜(多亏我的妻子,她是泰国后裔,我学会了一些非常美味的咖喱菜)。看着我做饭,他说:“这是我经历过的最不寻常的面试。”

I went to the refrigerator, took out some meat, vegetables, coconut milk, and spices, and made him some Thai food (thanks to my wife, who is of Thai descent, I had learned to make some pretty great curry dishes). Watching me cook, he said, “This is the most unorthodox job interview I’ve ever done.”

我点点头。“是的,我们可以经历多次面试,我会坐下来滔滔不绝地讲个不停,但最后,除非我给你做点什么,否则你是不会雇用我的。所以,我们直接说吧。”

I nodded. “Yeah, we can go through this whole process of multiple interviews, where I sit and talk on and on, but in the end, you’re not going to hire me until I cook you something. So let’s just cut to the chase.”

饭菜做好后,我把一些菜装进盘子里递给他。他仔细观察了摆盘,闻了闻菜的味道,尝了一口。他的眼睛亮了起来。“你被录用了。”

When the food was ready, I placed some into a dish and handed it to him. He studied the presentation, sniffed the dish, and took a taste. His eyes lit up. “You’re hired.”

当然,既然我被录用了,我必须完成任务——鉴于我缺乏经验,这并不容易,但我做到了。我的新老板让我给他做一些其他的菜,也许可以放在菜单上。因为我没有,所以我回家花了几天时间研究和我练习了几道菜。在接下来的几个月里,我设法让他和厨房里的其他人在日常工作中教我基本的烹饪技巧,而他们从不怀疑我的能力。例如,我甚至不知道如何切蔬菜丝。当我的新老板让我这么做时,我说:“你知道,每个人切蔬菜丝的方法都不一样。你为什么不把你的完美方法给我看看,让我可以模仿你呢?”他照做了,我也照做了。由于我愿意在工作中学习,以及我在棘手情况下灵活变通和躲避的能力,我很快成为了一名有价值的员工。我在这份工作上呆了两年,只是因为觉得无聊,想尝试其他工作才离开的。

Of course, now that I was hired, I had to deliver—not easy given my lack of experience, but I made it happen. My new boss asked me to cook him some other recipes that we could perhaps put on the menu. Since I didn’t have any, I went home and spent days researching and practicing a couple of recipes. Over the next few months, I finagled it so that he and others in the kitchen taught me basic cooking skills as we did our daily work, without ever doubting my competence. For instance, I didn’t even know how to julienne vegetables. When my new boss asked me to do it, I said, “You know, everyone juliennes differently. Why don’t you show me your perfect method so that I can copy you?” He did, and I did. Thanks to my willingness to learn on the job, and my ability to shift and dodge around tricky situations, I quickly became a valued employee. I stayed on the job for two years, only leaving because I got bored and wanted to try something else.

借口让我获得了机会,让我能够在毫无经验的情况下获得高级职位。但这只是一个开始。在任何对话中,情况都是类似的。一旦门打开了,你就必须知道如何跟进,否则你将一事无成。黑客通过建立他们有效的借口,在他们和他们的“目标”之间建立一个非常特殊的共同点空间。他们在几秒钟内几乎自动地做到这一点,甚至在目标还没有意识到之前。如果建立了这个共同点,他们就离实现目标很近了,不管目标是什么。如果没有,他们就没有什么希望了(除非他们愿意背离道德并开始操纵他人,而我不会)。专业人士称这种建立共同点的行为为建立融洽关系,我想你会发现,它与你可能遇到的几乎任何社交场合都有关,从在鸡尾酒会上遇到陌生人,到与老朋友重新联系,再到告诉你的配偶真正困扰你的事情。让我们来看看融洽关系,以及如何比你想象的更好地建立融洽关系。

Pretexting got me in the door, enabling me to talk my way into a senior-level position with zero experience. But it was only a beginning. Something similar holds true in any conversation you might have. Once the door is open, you have to know how to follow up, or you won’t get anywhere. Hackers build on their effective pretexts by creating a very special space of common ground between themselves and their “targets.” They do this in a matter of seconds and almost automatically, before their target has even realized it. If this common ground is established, they’re well on the way to achieving their goals, whatever those happen to be. If it’s not, they haven’t got much of a prayer (unless they’re willing to depart from ethics and start manipulating people, which I’m not). Professionals call this act of creating common ground building rapport, and as I think you’ll find, it’s relevant to virtually any social encounter you might have, from meeting strangers at a cocktail party, to reconnecting with an old friend, to telling your spouse what’s really bothering you. Let’s take a look at rapport, and how to become better at building it than you ever imagined.

第 3 章

确定方法

Chapter 3

Nail the Approach

与几乎任何人建立即时融洽的关系,这样他们就更有可能同意您的请求。

Build instant rapport with almost anyone so they’ll be more likely to agree to your request.

现在你已经为社交活动建立了背景,是时候开始进行互动,发挥你最大的优势了。我将介绍一个流程,你可以在鸡尾酒会、专业会议、商店和其他任何地方应用,让人们立即相信你是他们圈子里一个安全、值得信赖的成员。想象一下,你可以走到朋友、熟人甚至完全陌生的人面前,说些恰到好处的话,让他们喜欢你,更愿意帮助你。

Now that you’ve established the context for a social encounter, it’s time to initiate that interaction to your best advantage. I’ll introduce a process you can apply at cocktail parties, professional conferences, stores, and anywhere else to convince people instantly that you are a safe, trustworthy member of their tribe. Imagine being able to walk up to friends, acquaintances, and even perfect strangers, saying just the right thing so that they like you and feel more inclined to help you.

不是烟民。我讨厌香烟的味道。但我知道一件事:烟民往往会因为吸烟习惯而相互联系,尤其是如今吸烟受到公众谴责的情况下。不久前,这一常识帮助我闯入了一家大型医疗保健提供商的中央行政总部。

Im not a smoker. I hate the smell of cigarette smoke. But I do know one thing: smokers tend to bond with one another over their habit, especially with all the public censure that surrounds smoking these days. Not long ago, this bit of common knowledge helped me break into the central administrative headquarters of a major health care provider.

我的客户要求我进入高管楼层,找到办公室里到处都是的敏感材料。在研究公司,我们得知该地区的一个建筑项目引发了周围建筑物中小蜘蛛的入侵。我打扮成一个害虫防治员,带着一个真正的喷雾罐,走到一个公共入口,并运用了本书中将向您展示的许多技巧来绕过安检进入大楼。但这些技巧都没有奏效。“看,”保安人员解释说,“你的名字不在我的名单上,所以你不能进去。”我又试了一次,又被关在了第二个入口。这真是一场灾难。

My client had challenged me to access the executive floor and find sensitive material lying around the office. While researching the company, we had learned that a construction project in the area had triggered an invasion of tiny spiders in surrounding buildings. I dressed up as a pest control guy, complete with a real spray canister, walked up to a public entrance, and mobilized many of the tricks I’ll show you in this book to bypass security and enter the building. None of it worked. “Look,” security personnel explained, “your name isn’t on my list, so you can’t get in.” I tried again at a second entrance and got shut down again. It was a total bomb.

尽管我感到有些沮丧,但我很高兴看到我的客户这么快就阻止了我。但我不得不想出一个计划再试一次,因为他们雇我就是做这个的。我走出大楼,在侧面闲逛,不知道该怎么做。看到五六名员工坐在侧门附近抽烟,我灵机一动。我拿着我的灭虫工具,走近他们,说:“嘿,介意我站在这里呼吸新鲜空气吗?”他们笑了,还好奇地看了我一眼。“是啊,伙计,”我说,“我刚刚辞职了,差不多是第十次了。”

Although I felt a little dejected, I was happy to see that my client had stopped me so quickly. But I had to come up with a plan to try again, as that is what they had hired me to do. I exited the building and meandered around the side, unsure how to proceed. Spotting five or six employees sitting near a side entrance and smoking, I got an idea. Carrying my pest control gear, I approached them and said, “Hey, mind if I stand here and breathe in the fresh air?” That got a chuckle out of them as well as an inquisitive look or two. “Yeah, man,” I said, “I just quit for, like, the tenth time.”

“我明白你的意思,兄弟,”其中一名员工对我说。“我自己也试过十五次辞职。”

“I know what you mean, brother,” one of the employees said to me. “I’ve tried to quit fifteen times myself.”

另一位网友表示:“我根本没想过要戒烟。我已经不再想戒烟了!”

“I’m not even trying to quit,” another said. “I’ve quit quitting!”

第三名员工拿出一包香烟。“要一支吗?”

A third employee held out a pack of cigarettes. “Want one?”

我挥手示意他走开。“不,这次我真的想戒烟,但也许只要我站在这里,这气味就能抑制我的冲动。”

I waved him off. “No, I’m really trying to quit this time, but maybe if I just stand here the smell will kill my urge.”

“当然可以,”他们说,“没问题,你可以和我们站在一起。”

“Sure,” they said, “no problem, you can stand with us.”

就这样,不到六十秒,我就成了他们小圈子里的一员。接下来的五六分钟,我和他们一起闲逛。抽完烟后,他们一起走回入口,我跟在后面。我们到了侧门,只有有徽章的员工才能进出,他们打开门走进大楼,让我不用出示徽章就可以进去。一个想法。Bingo——我进来了。几分钟后,我就到了行政楼层,翻阅各种敏感文件。

And like that, within no more than sixty seconds, I became a member of their in-group. I hung out with them for the next five or six minutes. When their smoking break ended, they strolled together back to the entrance, with me in tow. When we reached the side door, which was only accessible to employees with a badge, they opened it and walked into the building, allowing me to enter without giving it a thought. Bingo—I was in. Just a few minutes later, I was up on the executive floor, rifling through all kinds of sensitive documents.

这次,我即兴编造了一个可信的借口,说自己是个努力戒烟的老烟民,但这个举动只能让我开始一段对话。为了实现我的目标,我必须以一种继续回答人们第一次见到陌生人时会立即无意识提出的四个基本问题的方式进行对话(这个人是谁? 这个人想要什么? 这次见面要花多长时间? 这个人是个威胁吗?)。我通过与这些毫无戒心的吸烟者快速建立融洽关系来做到这一点。只需一点精心设计的玩笑,我就可以向这些陌生人保证,我不会构成威胁,而是他们部落中一个完全无害和友好的成员。我们只是一个快乐的吸烟大家庭。当我回去上班的时候,他们毫不犹豫地让我进了大楼。在他们眼里,我是他们中的一员。

In this instance, I improvised a believable pretext for myself, that of the veteran smoker struggling to quit, but this move only enabled me to begin a conversation. To achieve my goal, I had to pursue the conversation in a way that continued to answer the four baseline questions people instantly and unconsciously pose when they first meet a stranger (Who is this person? What does this person want? How long will this encounter take? Is this person a threat?). I did that by building quick rapport with these unsuspecting smokers. With just a bit of carefully crafted banter, I could affirm to these strangers that I didn’t pose a threat but was rather a perfectly innocuous and friendly member of their tribe. We were just one big, happy family of smokers. When the time came to return to work, they thought nothing of letting me into the building. In their eyes, I was one of them.

滑板运动员和催产素

Of Skater Dudes and Oxytocin

建立融洽关系乍一看似乎并不特别复杂。再看一遍,也并不复杂。我们可能生活在一个智能手机和摩天大楼的世界,但我们的大脑却和我们生活在部落群体中、在森林中漫游和觅食时一样。我们更倾向于帮助那些与我们保持某种共同纽带的人,无论我们的纽带是基于共同的社会阶层、职业、种族、信仰、生活阶段、亲和力还是经历。1如果你想让刚认识的人遵从你的愿望,那么首先建立共同点,让他们感觉自己正在与同组成员互动,成功的机会就会大得多。

Building rapport might not seem especially complicated at first glance. It’s not complicated at second glance, either. We might live in a world of smartphones and skyscrapers, but our brains are wired as they were when we subsisted in tribal groups roaming woodlands and foraging for food. We feel more inclined to help others with whom we maintain some kind of communal attachment, whether our bond is based on a shared social class, profession, ethnicity, belief, life stage, affinity, or experience.1 If you want someone you’ve just met to comply with your wishes, you stand a far better chance of succeeding by first establishing common ground, making them feel like they’re interacting with a fellow group member.

在我的课堂上,我通过询问准学生来介绍融洽关系的概念人类黑客会记住高中食堂的午餐时间是什么样的。如果你的高中和我的高中一样,你和你的同学会和各自的部落坐在一起——运动员、书呆子、朋克、滑板手。每个人都知道自己属于哪个部落,通过内部语言、举止和着装公开地认同某个部落(事实:我是滑板手部落的一员,这意味着我穿着宽松的裤子和链式钱包)。这种认同有助于在原本可能不太了解彼此的学生之间建立某种初步的融洽关系。如果学校里碰巧穿得像滑板手的新生漫步到书呆子桌前,问一个关于即将到来的学校舞会的无知问题,那么这四个基本问题就会成为一个障碍,因为书呆子们不认识滑板手。这些书呆子会想:你为什么在这里?你想要什么?你占用我多少宝贵的时间?你个威胁吗?但如果这名溜冰者走近溜冰者的桌子,装出一副无聊和漠不关心的样子,问同样的问题,那么溜冰者们心中大部分甚至所有的问题都会得到答案,因为他们会仅凭外表就接受这个新来的孩子作为部落的一员。

In my classes, I introduce the concept of rapport by asking would-be human hackers to remember what lunchtime was like at their high school cafeterias. If your high school was anything like mine, you and your fellow students sat with your respective tribes—the jocks, nerds, punks, skaters. Everybody knew where they belonged, openly identifying with a tribe through insider language, demeanor, and dress (fact: I was part of the skater tribe, which meant I wore baggy pants and a chain wallet). Such identification served to establish at least some kind of initial rapport between students who might not have otherwise known one another very well. If the new kid at school who happened to dress like a skater sauntered up to the nerd table and posed an innocent question about, say, the upcoming school dance, the four baseline questions would have posed a hurdle, because the nerds didn’t know the skater. These nerds would have wondered: Why are you here? What do you want? How much of my valuable time will you take up? Are you a threat? But if the skater approached the skater’s table and, affecting boredom and nonchalance, asked the same question, most or all of those questions would have been answered in the skaters’ minds, because they would have accepted the new kid as a member of the tribe based on visual appearance alone.

研究人员现在知道,这些令人讨厌的高中社交动态根植于人类生物学。建立融洽关系有助于触发一种名为催产素的强力激素的释放。在一系列研究中,研究人员将大脑中催产素的存在与信任和慷慨行为的体验联系起来。他们还发现,激发人们的同理心会促使他们的催产素水平上升,进而导致慷慨行为。在一项研究中,研究人员通过让人们观看一段描绘一名身患癌症的儿童的视频来提高催产素水平。催产素水平的提高反过来“预示着制作该视频的慈善机构会收到更多的捐款”。催产素还与其他“积极的社交行为”有关,比如眼神交流或识别他人的情绪。2

As researchers now know, these annoying high school social dynamics are rooted in human biology. Rapport building helps trigger the release of a powerful hormone called oxytocin. In a series of studies, researchers linked the presence of oxytocin in the brain to experiences of trust and acts of generosity. As they also found, arousing feelings of empathy in people prompted their oxytocin levels to rise, which in turn led to generous behavior. In one study, researchers elevated oxytocin levels by exposing people to a video that portrayed a child desperately ill with cancer. Those higher levels of oxytocin in turn “predicted larger donations to the charity that produced the video.” Oxytocin has also been linked to other “positive social behaviors,” like making eye contact or recognizing other people’s emotions.2

当我们建立融洽关系时,无论是在高中食堂,还是在家里或工作场所,我们建立的联系感都会在他人身上产生一丝催产素,使他们对我们产生信任、联系和慷慨。这是一种强大的动力,精明的经营者会利用这种动力来诱使潜在的不情愿的目标按照他们的意愿行事。狡猾的销售人员不会在汽车经销店直接接近你,直接要求你购买一辆价格过高且远远超出他们知道你能负担得起的汽车。不,他们会和你闲聊,了解你,给你端上咖啡,为你们上过同一所高中或喜欢同一支足球队而高兴。经验丰富的政客不会直接出来请求你的投票。他们会露出百万美元的微笑,握你的手,抱你的孩子,或者发表一些表明他们熟悉当地文化的评论——所有这些都是为了让你觉得自己是同胞,甚至是亲密的私人朋友。当然,成功的骗子严重依赖融洽关系来让毫无戒心的受害者心甘情愿地交出他们的金钱、信息或其他贵重物品。

When we build rapport, whether it’s in high school cafeterias or in our homes or workplaces, the sense of connectedness we establish produces a tiny hit of oxytocin in others, leading them to feel trust, connection, and generosity toward us. It’s a powerful dynamic and one that shrewd operators deploy to induce potentially reluctant targets to do their bidding. Shady salespeople don’t just approach you at the car dealership and ask you flat out to buy a car that’s overpriced and well beyond what they know you can afford. No, they chitchat with you, get to know you, offer you coffee, rejoice in the fact that you both attended the same high school or love the same football team. Seasoned politicians don’t just come out and ask for your vote. They flash their million-dollar smiles, shake your hand, hold your baby, or make a comment that suggests their familiarity with your local culture—all attempts to make you feel like you’re a fellow tribesperson, if not a close, personal friend. And of course, successful scammers rely heavily on rapport to get unsuspecting victims to willingly hand over their money, information, or other valuables.

在一种常见的骗局中,骗子会假装来自微软或苹果等公司,打电话给人们,声称他们想帮助他们解决计算机软件问题。如果受害者提供某些信息或点击看似无害的链接,他们就会无意中向骗子提供个人信息,如银行账户、密码等;骗子甚至可能劫持计算机并索要赎金。3为了建立融洽的关系,骗子会表现得友好而有礼貌,与受害者进行轻松的交谈。在美国,他们通常会通过口音和语调给人留下印度女性的印象。由于人们一般认为女性没有威胁性,而美国人往往将印度人与客户支持角色联系起来,因此受害者毫不犹豫地按照骗子的要求去做。他们认为电话另一端的陌生人和他们一样有基本的正派感,没有理由别这么想。诈骗者巧妙地建立了这一共同点,让受害者的大脑中充满了催产素。融洽关系等于催产素等于信任等于进入受害者银行账户的头等舱机票。

In one common scam, crooks pretending to be from companies like Microsoft or Apple call people up, claiming they want to help them resolve a computer software problem. If the victim provides certain information or clicks on a seemingly innocuous link, they inadvertently provide the scammer access to personal information like bank accounts, passwords, and the like; the scammer might even hijack the computer and demand a ransom.3 To build rapport, scammers will seem friendly and polite, engaging victims in light conversation. In the United States, they’ll usually come across, via their accents and tones of voice, as being females from India. Since people in general tend to regard women as nonthreatening, and Americans tend to associate Indians with customer support roles, victims think nothing of doing as these scammers ask. They assume that the stranger on the other end of the line shares their basic sense of decency and have no reason to think otherwise. Having deftly established this common ground, the scammers have the oxytocin flowing in their victims’ brains. Rapport equals oxytocin equals trust equals a first-class ticket into a victim’s bank account.

人类黑客专家只需要几秒钟的精心互动就能建立融洽关系。这是因为我们人类不仅仅是部落的。我们还倾向于根据刻板印象对遇到的人做出快速判断。我们通过评估一些主要非语言的关键因素来做出这些判断,例如着装、发型、肤色等。要建立融洽关系,你必须快速评估人们,对他们是谁以及他们可能属于哪个部落有一个清晰但肤浅的了解,并找到一种个人联系的方式。你不是在建立深厚或持久的友谊,而只是建立足够的联系,这样人们就不会提高他们的精神力场并开始质疑你的动机。

Expert hackers of humans need only a few seconds of well-tailored interaction to build rapport. That’s because we humans aren’t merely tribal. We also tend to make snap decisions about people we encounter based on stereotypes. And we make these judgments by assessing a few key factors that are primarily nonverbal, such as dress, hairstyle, skin color, and so on. To build rapport, you must quickly size people up, arrive at a clear but superficial understanding of who they are and what tribe they might belong to, and find a way to connect personally. You’re not establishing a deep or enduring friendship, just enough of a bond so that people don’t raise their psychic force fields and begin questioning your motivations.

和借口一样,你可以使用肢体语言和语言来建立共同点。畅销书作家、前联邦调查局行为专家乔·纳瓦罗告诉我一次难忘的经历,他必须从另一名特工手中接过线人(或联邦调查局术语中的“人力资产”)的处理。这是一项微妙的工作:线人冒着生命危险与联邦调查局合作并提供针对罪犯的证据。他们依赖于与管理者之间的信任关系。破坏这种关系,线人可能会消失或停止合作,担心他们的安全。乔必须与线人建立牢固的工作关系,以某种方式保留甚至加强前任特工建立的信任。

As with pretexting, you can use body language as well as words to establish common ground. Bestselling author and former FBI behavioral expert Joe Navarro told me of a memorable occasion in which he had to take over the handling of an informant (or in FBI lingo, a “human asset”) from another agent. It was a delicate business: informants risk their lives to cooperate with the FBI and provide evidence against criminals. They depend on the trusting relationship they have with their handlers. Disrupt that relationship, and the informant might disappear or stop cooperating, fearing for their safety. Joe had to establish a strong working relationship with the informant, somehow retaining and even building on the trust that the previous agent had established.

挑战尤其艰巨,因为线人——我称他为鲍里斯——是一位八十多岁的俄语男子,而他在联邦调查局的前任经理是一位五十五岁左右的经验丰富的特工。而乔,只有二十五岁,最近才重新乔试图招募新成员。他怎么可能与一个来自不同文化和语言背景、可能是他祖父的人建立共同点呢?“我有一个建立融洽关系的计划,”乔回忆起他们第一次见面时说,“但当我走进房间第一次见到他时,一切都变了。”在打量了鲍里斯之后,乔意识到特工在这种情况下可能采取的标准方法——展现他的专业权威,非常正式地和鲍里斯说话,并向他保证他会很安全——是行不通的。“这家伙显然是个有成就的人,”乔说。“他经历过苏联占领[他的国家]。他知道如何读懂我——什么是形式上的,什么是发自内心的。他知道,作为一个 25 岁的年轻人,我几乎不了解我的工作。所以,正如他们所说,不要欺骗骗子——在这种情况下,我不会这么做。”

The challenge was especially great given that the informant—I’ll call him Boris—was a Russian-speaking man in his eighties, and his previous handler at the FBI was an experienced agent in his mid- to late fifties. Joe, meanwhile, was all of twenty-five years old, a recent recruit to the bureau. How would he possibly establish common ground with a man from a different cultural and linguistic background who could have been his grandfather? “I had a plan for building rapport,” Joe said, recalling their initial meeting, “but when I walked into the room to meet him for the first time, everything changed.” Sizing Boris up, Joe realized that the standard approach that an agent in this situation might take—projecting his professional authority, speaking very formally to Boris and assuring him that he would remain safe—wouldn’t work. “This guy was obviously an accomplished individual,” Joe said. “He had lived through the Soviet occupation [of his country]. He knew how to read me—what was pro forma and what was from the heart. And he knew that as a twenty-five-year-old, I barely knew my job. So, as they say, don’t deceive a deceiver—and in this instance, I wasn’t about to do that.”

乔认为鲍里斯的心态是旧世界的;尊重和顺从对长辈很重要。他没有表现出自己作为特工的权威,而是先与鲍里斯握手,然后稍微低下头,避免眼神接触,并斜着身子坐下——所有这些都表明他很顺从,而不是试图宣称统治或控制。当鲍里斯要茶时,乔也照做了,尽管他更喜欢咖啡。乔没有像特工通常做的那样在谈话中避免透露个人信息,而是公开讲述了他家族的痛苦历史——他的亲戚如何勉强逃离菲德尔·卡斯特罗的古巴,以及他的父亲如何被捕和遭受折磨。“我可以看到他的面部肌肉开始放松,就在那时,我走到沙发上和他坐在一起,”乔说。在短短一两分钟的谈话中,他建立了融洽的关系。“我在他面前谦卑自己,然后继续让他知道,在我眼里他是受人尊敬的。”这是两个人三年成功的合作关系的开始。

Joe perceived that Boris had an old-world mentality; respect and deference shown to one’s elders mattered. Instead of projecting his authority as an agent, he bowed his head slightly while first shaking Boris’s hand, avoided eye contact, and sat down at an angle to him—all of which suggested deference on his part rather than an attempt to assert dominance or control. When Boris requested tea, Joe did the same, even though he preferred coffee. Instead of refraining from divulging personal information during their conversation, as an agent would normally do, Joe spoke openly about his family’s painful history—how his relatives had barely escaped Fidel Castro’s Cuba, and how his father had been arrested and tortured. “I could see his facial muscles begin to relax, and it was then that I came over to the couch and sat with him,” Joe said. In just a minute or two of conversation, he had established rapport. “I humbled myself before him and then just proceeded to let him know that in my eyes he was venerated.” It was the beginning of a successful, three-year relationship between the two men.

建立融洽关系而不牺牲你的灵魂

Build Rapport without Sacrificing Your Soul

阅读这样的故事或了解我与吸烟者交朋友的经历,你可能会发现自己对建立融洽关系抱有同样的担忧,就像人们有时对借口一样。乔在与鲍里斯的会面中如此有策略性,难道不是“虚伪”吗?他通常不会对线人表现出如此极端的尊重。他还点了茶,尽管他更喜欢咖啡。至于我,我撒了一个彻头彻尾的谎, 假装自己是一个假装戒烟的吸烟者。在这两种情况下,建立融洽关系的人似乎都在使用诡计和欺骗——这不是我们大多数人在日常交往中想做的事情。

Reading a story like this or learning about my own experience making friends with smokers, you might find yourself harboring some of the same concerns about rapport building that people sometimes have about pretexting. Wasn’t Joe being “fake” by approaching his encounter with Boris so strategically? He wouldn’t normally show such extreme deference to informants. He also asked for tea even though he preferred coffee. As for me, I perpetrated an outright lie in passing myself off as a smoker pretending to quit. In both of these instances, it seems that the builder of rapport was deploying guile and deception—not something most of us would want to do in the course of our everyday dealings.

我并不是提倡你撒谎来建立共同点——我只是在允许这种诡计的职业交往中这样做。在日常生活中,你在建立融洽关系过程中所说的或做的任何事都应该至少基于事实,并且应该让人们因为认识你而受益。一个假装是客服代表的骗子和你闲聊,这违反了道德底线(更不用说法律底线了),一个不道德的汽车销售员,他无法忍受足球,却假装喜欢你最喜欢的球队来促成交易,这也是违反道德底线的。在这两种情况下,都是在撒谎,建立融洽关系的人不会让他们的目标因为认识他们而受益。这正是像你我这样的善良守法的人必须避免的行为。

I’m not advocating that you lie to build common ground—I was only doing so in the context of a professional engagement that permitted this kind of subterfuge. In everyday life, anything you say or do in the course of building rapport should be at least rooted in truth, and it should leave people better off for having met you. A scammer who is making small talk with you while pretending to be a customer service representative is breaching an ethical line (not to mention a legal one), as is the unscrupulous car salesman who can’t stand football but who pretends to love your favorite team to make the sale. In both cases, lies are told and the person building rapport isn’t leaving their target better off for having met them. This is exactly the kind of conduct that good, law-abiding people like you and me must avoid.

相比之下,乔·纳瓦罗通常可能不会对线人表现出如此的尊重,但他在生活的其他方面确实对长辈表现出尊重,所以这样做本质上并不违背他的真实自我。即使他更喜欢咖啡而不是茶,他也绝对不会讨厌茶。喝茶是他表示善意的一个小举动,他这样做只是为了让鲍里斯感到被尊敬。乔可能有点走出了自己的舒适区,但也不是太多。他的行为让鲍里斯受益匪浅,同时也让他倾向于遵从乔的意愿。随着催产素在大脑中流淌,鲍里斯感到比他们互动之前更快乐、更亲密。他们两人现在都处于可能随着时间的推移加深融洽关系的状态。

By contrast, Joe Navarro might not have ordinarily shown such deference to an informant, but he did show deference to elders in other areas of his life, so doing so was not inherently at odds with his authentic self. Even if he preferred coffee over tea, he didn’t absolutely detest tea. Partaking of it was a small gesture of kindness on his part, an offering made with the simple intention of helping Boris feel venerated. Joe might have ventured a bit out of his comfort zone, but not too much. And his actions left Boris better off while also inclining him to comply with Joe’s wishes. With that hit of oxytocin coursing through his brain, Boris felt happier and more connected than before their interaction. The two of them were now both in a position to possibly deepen their level of rapport over time.

和借口一样,建立融洽关系需要运用一定程度的策略或姿态。但同样,这种策略是:a) 不可避免的,b) 是一件好事。我们大多数人在日常生活中都会自然而然地尝试与他人建立关系,无论是与隔壁邻居友好地开个玩笑,在会议开始前与业务同事闲聊,还是微笑着询问杂货店店员在称熟食肉时他们做得怎么样。通过掌握建立融洽关系的技巧,我们只是在更有意识、更频繁地与他人建立情感联系。虽然我们可能有一个自私的目的,但我们仍然会让遇到的人的生活变得更好一点,无论是陌生人还是我们已经认识的人。

Like pretexting, rapport building involves the application of a certain amount of strategizing or posturing. But here again, that strategy is: a) unavoidable and b) a good thing. Most of us naturally try to build relationships with others in the course of our daily lives, whether it’s engaging in a bit of friendly banter with our next-door neighbors, schmoozing with our business colleagues before the start of a meeting, or smiling and asking a grocery clerk how they’re doing as they weigh our deli meat. By mastering the skill of rapport building, we’re just doing this work of connecting emotionally with others more deliberately and often. While we might have a selfish purpose in mind, we’re still making life just a little bit better for those we encounter, both strangers and people we already know.

我们常常在一天中与他人保持距离,忽视他人的需求。我们埋头看手机,一走进电梯就忘记了互动。我们被封闭在舒适的媒体泡沫中,发现社会、文化和政治差异如此令人生畏,以至于我们甚至不想去协商。然而,通过熟练地建立融洽关系,我们可以训练自己为他人着想,习惯性地跨越鸿沟来建立或加深联系。我们可以养成建立共同点的习惯,而不是忽视或试图说服那些不支持我们信仰的人。我们这个两极分化的社会需要更多的融洽关系建立,而不是更少。正如我们将要看到的,我们总会发现,当人们遵从我们的意愿时,只需要一点点社交礼仪就能起到很大的作用。

So often, we go about our day distanced from others and oblivious to their needs. We bury our noses in our phones and forget to interact as we step into an elevator. Sealed away in our comfortable media bubbles, we find social, cultural, and political differences so daunting we don’t even try to negotiate them. By becoming skilled at rapport building, however, we can train ourselves to think about others and reach habitually across the chasm to make or deepen a connection. We can make a habit of building common ground rather than ignoring or trying to persuade others who don’t espouse our beliefs. Our violently polarized society needs more rapport building, not less. As we’ll invariably find, just a little bit of social nicety goes a long way when it comes to getting people to comply with our wishes.

想要讨好某人时,你也许并不总是清楚自己应该走多远。当我从事专业黑客工作时,在建立融洽关系的过程中,目标有时会要求我同意我认为令人厌恶的观点,或者做出违背我宗教信仰的行为。这是安全专业人员的职业风险。虽然这肯定会帮助我忍气吞声并按照目标的期望行事,但我总是会拒绝,并试图找到另一种方式来建立共同点。有一次,当我假扮某家公司的员工时,我不得不接近该公司的一群员工,试图从他们那里获取信息。在与他们交谈之前,我听到他们抱怨公司的女老板“凯西”,称她为“愚蠢的婊子”甚至更糟糕。当我自我介绍时,他们不仅继续诋毁这位老板,还邀请我加入他们,痛骂有权势的女性。“谢天谢地,凯西不是你的老板,”他们说。 “她真是个[填写你选择的脏话]。”

It might not always seem clear how far to go when trying to ingratiate yourself with someone. When I’m hacking professionally, targets sometimes ask me in the course of my rapport building to agree with opinions I find abhorrent or to behave in ways that violate my religious beliefs. It’s an occupational hazard of being a security professional. Although it would certainly help me to swallow hard and behave as my target expects, I will always decline and try to find another way to establish common ground. Once when posing as an employee of a particular company, I had to approach a group of employees at that company to try to obtain information from them. Before engaging them in conversation, I heard them complaining about “Kathy,” a female boss at the company, calling her a “stupid bitch” and much worse. When I introduced myself, they not only continued to denigrate this boss but invited me to join them in thrashing women in positions of power. “Thank God Kathy isn’t your boss,” they said. “She’s such a [fill in with the swear word of your choice].”

我本可以轻易且立即加入他们这群愤怒的男人的行列,赞同他们的观点并憎恨我过去的女老板,但是我不能允许自己这么做。我们的道德准则和我的个人信仰禁止我发表“与性别、性取向、种族、宗教或残疾有关的冒犯性言论(口头、书面或其他方式)。” 4过去遇到过类似的情况后,我知道我可以继续与他们建立融洽的关系而不必损害自己的利益。我就这么做了。“哦,是的,”我说,“我上一份工作中的老板就是这样的。我上一份工作中的那个家伙太可怕了。这就是我开始在这里工作的原因。”我没有找到根植于厌女症的共同点,而是找到了根植于对坏老板的沮丧感的共同点,无论他们的性别如何。

I might have easily and instantly joined their tribe of angry men by agreeing with them and hating on female bosses I’ve had in the past, but I couldn’t allow myself to do that. Our code of ethics and my own personal beliefs prevent me from making “offensive comments (verbal, written, or otherwise) related to gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, or disability.”4 Having encountered similar situations in the past, I also knew I could continue to build rapport with them without compromising myself. And that’s what I did. “Oh, yeah,” I said, “I had a boss like that. This guy I worked for at my last job, he was terrible. That’s why I started to work here.” Rather than find a common ground rooted in misogyny, I found one rooted in a frustration with bad bosses irrespective of their gender.

想象一下,在尝试建立融洽关系时,您可能会陷入困境。也许您在更衣室里试图与一群人建立联系,但又不想参与性别歧视的更衣室玩笑。或者,也许您正在与家人聚会,他们中的大多数人对政治、宗教或任何其他话题的看法与您不同,并且对此直言不讳。您如何创造性地参与以建立融洽关系?

Think of a situation in which you might find yourself in a quandary when trying to build rapport. Maybe you’re in a locker room trying to connect with a bunch of guys without engaging in sexist locker room banter. Or maybe you’re at a gathering with your family, most of whom think differently about politics, or religion, or any other topic, than you do and are quite vocal about it. How might you engage creatively to build rapport?

在社交场合中,违背他人的期望往往很难,尤其是当你与一群人打交道时。我们往往担心如果不“顺从”,就会被排除在群体之外,所以我们会牺牲自己的信念来顺从。然而,通过练习,你可以训练自己暂时摆脱恐惧,这样你就可以快速寻找并找到建立共同点的替代方法。你也可以预先计划可能出现的困难社交情况,思考如何处理它们。

It’s often hard in social situations to defy others’ expectations, especially if you’re engaging with a group of people. We tend to fear we’ll be excluded from the tribe if we don’t “go along,” and so we find ourselves sacrificing our beliefs to conform. With practice, however, you can train yourself to step back from your fears in the moment, so that you can quickly look for and find an alternate way of building common ground. You can also pre-plan for difficult social situations that might arise, thinking through how you’ll handle them.

有一次,我(应客户要求)闯入一栋大楼,在大厅里碰到员工在激烈争论是否允许学校教师携带武器。我试图与他们建立融洽的关系,成为他们中的一员,但我意识到自己处于一个双输的局面。这并不是因为我对枪支管制有强烈的信念——我能理解这个问题的双方。相反,我感觉到,我支持或反对枪支管制的任何言论,都有可能疏远一半的人。有一次,有人转过身来,直截了当地问我怎么想(没有双关语的意思)。我停顿了几秒钟思考。最后,我说:“你知道我怎么想吗?我认为学校里的孩子死亡是这个国家最糟糕的事情。而送孩子去学校时还要担心他们会死,这是一件非常非常糟糕的事情。”整个小组都沉默了。虽然他们在这个问题上意见不一,但确实有一个共同点——而我找到了。

On one occasion, I was breaking into a building (at a client’s request) and encountered employees in the lobby heatedly debating whether to allow teachers in schools to arm themselves. I was trying to build rapport and become a member of their tribe, but I realized I was in a no-win situation. It wasn’t that I had strong beliefs about gun control—I can identify with people on both sides of this issue. Rather, I sensed that anything I might have said for or against gun control would have risked alienating half of the group. At one point, someone turned to me and asked point-blank (no pun intended) what I thought. I paused for a few seconds to think. Finally, I said, “You know what I think? I think dead children in schools are the worst thing that can happen in this country. And having to send your kids to school worried about them dying is a horrible, horrible place to be.” The whole group went silent. Although they were bitterly opposed on this issue, there was indeed a common ground to be found—and I had found it.

您的亲戚、邻居或商业伙伴可能认同您认为令人厌恶的某些观点,或者您觉得他们与您没有多少共同点。与其避开这些人,不如学会伸出援手,同时又不牺牲自己的核心价值观。既然您已经认识这些人,那么您可以使用建立融洽关系的技巧来提高已经存在的(相对较低)融洽关系水平,无论您是否有希望他们遵从的特定要求。如果您在社交场合害羞或害怕,您可以变得更加自信和外向,同样无论您是否有自己的计划。为什么要等别人带您走出自己的壳?学会如何让他们走出自己的壳。您在建立融洽关系方面养成的纪律越多,您就越能意识到,看似无法跨越的距离实际上通常是可以跨越的。此外,您还会意识到,阻碍我们建立或加深联系的不一定是其他人,而是我们自己。

Chances are you have a relative, neighbor, or business colleague who subscribes to some belief you find abhorrent or who you feel shares little in common with you. Rather than avoiding these people, you can learn to extend a hand, without sacrificing your core values. Since you already know these people, you can use rapport-building skills to increase the (relatively low) level of rapport that already exists, whether or not you have a specific request with which you’d like them to comply. If you’re shy or fearful in social situations, you can become far more confident and outgoing, again regardless of whether you have an agenda of your own. Why wait for someone to bring you out of your shell? Learn how to bring them out of theirs. The more you develop a discipline around rapport building, the more you realize that the seemingly impossible distances that keep us from others are in fact usually bridgeable. Furthermore, you realize that it’s not necessarily these other people who are preventing us from making or deepening a connection—it’s us.

想想你生活中与你关系不好的某个人。也许你们已经疏远,或者你们虽然保持联系,但一些长期的怨恨正在拖累你们的关系。想想你们在下一次互动中可能建立共同点的三种方式,同时仍然坚持你们的信仰和价值观。

Think of someone in your life with whom you have a difficult relationship. Perhaps you’re estranged, or perhaps you’re in contact but some long-standing grievance is weighing down your relationship. Think of three ways you might establish common ground during your next interaction, while still remaining true to your beliefs and values.

用参与的方式建立融洽关系——并运用“八”

ENGAGE Your Way to Rapport—and Use the “Eight”

给你一个挑战。走进星巴克,和坐在桌边或排队的陌生人交谈。不要找和你同龄或看起来与你有相同种族或社会经济背景的人。随便找一个人,试着成为他们部落的一员。想不出什么?学学我,用智能手机说话。假设你有一部安卓手机。走到一个拿着 iPhone 的人面前说:“嘿,我想从安卓换成 iPhone。你觉得你的手机怎么样?”根据我的经验,iPhone 用户会滔滔不绝地告诉你为什么他们的手机比安卓手机好一百万倍。当你问他们为什么并对他们说的话表现出兴趣时,你就认可了他们这个人,哪怕只是一点点。你们已经建立了共同点。不,你们不是 iPhone 用户,但你们都是对谈论 iPhone 为什么如此伟大的人感兴趣的人。

Here’s a challenge for you. Go into a Starbucks and speak to a stranger sitting at a table or standing in line. Don’t look for someone your age or who seems to share your race or socioeconomic background. Pick someone at random and try to become a member of their tribe. Can’t think of anything? Do what I do and fall back on your smartphone. Let’s say you have an Android phone. Walk up to someone with an iPhone and say, “Hey, I’m thinking of switching from Android to iPhone. What do you think of your phone?” In my experience, iPhone users will blab your ears off telling you why their phone is a million times better than an Android. As you ask them why and show interest in what they’re saying, you validate them as a person, if only in a small way. You’ve established common ground. No, you’re not both iPhone users, but you’re both in the tribe of people interested in talking about why iPhones are so great.

面对这样的挑战,我的学生经常会要求我提供一些简单的规则或指导方针,以便在社交场合(无论是自发的还是预先计划好的)建立融洽关系。他们希望我告诉他们这样的话:“当你试图与异性交谈时,请做这五件事”,或“要与千禧一代建立联系,请这样说”。抱歉,据我所知,没有广泛适用的规则。每种情况都不同,你必须当场思考,制定自己的建立融洽关系的策略。这似乎令人生畏,但事实并非如此。我遵循的思维过程归结为六个简单的步骤,我称之为 ENGAGE:

Confronted with a challenge like this, students of mine often ask for some easy rules or guidelines for developing rapport in social situations, whether spontaneously or in pre-planned encounters. They want me to tell them something like: “When you’re trying to talk to a member of the opposite sex, do these five things,” or “To connect with a millennial, say this.” Sorry, there are no rules I know of that apply broadly. Each situation is different, and you have to think on the spot, devising your own strategy for building rapport. That might seem daunting, but it really isn’t. The thought process I follow boils down to six simple steps, what I call ENGAGE:

ENGAGE 听起来可能很难记住,特别是因为你需要在意外相遇时在几秒钟内完成这些步骤。为了帮助你掌握 ENGAGE,请访问 www.HumanHackingBook.com 的资源部分,下载一张印有六个步骤的钱包大小的小卡片;你可以随身携带,在进入社交场合之前查阅。在你练习建立融洽关系四五次之后,这些步骤就会开始成为你的第二天性。将 ENGAGE 框架视为心理训练轮,在你练习建立融洽关系时很容易脱落。但你确实需要练习——从现在开始。

ENGAGE might sound like a lot to remember, especially since you need to run through these steps in a matter of seconds during an unplanned encounter. To help you master ENGAGE, go to the resources section at www.HumanHackingBook.com and download a small, wallet-sized card printed with the six steps; you can carry it with you and consult it just before entering social situations. After you practice rapport building four or five times, these steps will begin to feel second nature. Think of the ENGAGE framework as mental training wheels that readily fall off as you practice rapport building. But you do need to practice—starting now.

在 ENGAGE 的所有步骤中,初学者最难掌握的是第五个步骤“试一试”。在规划下一次互动时,可以借鉴畅销书作家、前 FBI 行为专家 Robin Dreeke 的一些智慧。以下是建立融洽关系的八种杀手级技巧,在日常生活中与他人寻求共同点时要牢记:

Of all the steps in ENGAGE, beginners struggle most with the fifth, “Give it a try.” As you frame your next interaction, borrow some wisdom from bestselling author and former FBI behavioral expert Robin Dreeke. Here are eight killer techniques for rapport building to bear in mind when seeking common ground with others in everyday situations:

技巧一:建立人为的时间限制

Technique #1: Establish artificial time constraints

从这本书中,你就会知道,时间在社交场合中很重要——它是当有人第一次接近我们时自动出现的四个因素之一。如果我们感觉到在有限的时间内无法帮助别人,我们更倾向于拒绝请求。许多社交活动都有自然的时间限制。如果你在星巴克排队时与某人交谈,他们会很肯定地认为,这种互动只会持续到你们中的一个人付完钱并拿到咖啡为止。这种预期可能会让陌生人更愿意花一分钟左右的时间与你交谈。

You know from reading this book that time matters in social situations—it’s one of the four items that automatically arise when someone first approaches us. If we sense we won’t be able to help someone in the limited time available to us, we’re more inclined to refuse the request. Many social encounters have natural time constraints. If you start a conversation with someone in line at Starbucks, they’ll feel pretty sure that the interaction will only last until one of you has paid and has gotten your coffee. That expectation might make a stranger more willing to spend a minute or so talking with you.

在时间限制不明显或不自然的情况下,你可以通过巧妙地制造人为的限制来促进建立融洽关系的努力。你可以这样说:“嘿,我可以打扰你两分钟吗?我刚来这里,我只想找一家好吃的餐馆吃饭。”让时间限制变得现实——如果你要求两分钟,那就准备好只花两分钟,如果你感觉到你感兴趣的人希望你延长谈话时间,你会知道你会延长谈话时间。不要只问某人是否有“一秒钟”,因为这不现实——一秒钟已经过去了。你也可以通过说“我正要出去,但……”或“我正要去见某人,但我想知道……”这样的陈述来含蓄地安抚感兴趣的人,因为这两种说法都暗示着谈话时间很短。

In situations where time constraints aren’t natural or obvious, you can facilitate your efforts to build rapport by subtly inventing artificial ones. You might say something like: “Hey, can I bother you for two minutes? I’m new to the area, and I just want to find a good diner to eat at.” Make the time constraint realistic—if you ask for two minutes, be prepared to spend only two minutes, knowing that you’ll extend the conversation if you sense that your person of interest wishes. Don’t just ask if someone has “a second,” because that isn’t realistic—the second has already passed. You can also implicitly calm a person of interest by making a statement like “I’m just heading out but . . .” or “I was about to meet someone but I’m wondering . . . ,” since both of those imply a conversation of short duration.

技巧2:调整说话速度

Technique #2: Adjust how quickly you speak

当我去田纳西州看望姐姐时,我们去了一家烧烤餐厅吃晚餐。服务员过来问我们是否准备好了点了。“我要一杯冰茶,”我说,“还要一份排骨和一份玉米面包。”

When I visited my sister in Tennessee, we went to a barbecue restaurant for dinner. The waiter came over and asked if we were ready to order. “I’ll take an iced tea,” I said, “and the ribs, and a side of corn bread.”

“哇,哇,”服务员说道,“慢点,城市小伙子。”

“Whoa, whoa,” the waiter said, “slow down, city boy.”

我再次点菜,说话更慢了。我承认,我有点生气,觉得服务员不尊重我,试图占据主导地位。当我想到这一点时,我意识到我忽略了一个关于交流的重要事实。我们每个人说话的速度都不同,这取决于我们的个性、年龄、方言和更大的社会背景。5居住在美国南部的美国人说话比一些北方人慢。6没有什么好坏——这只是现实。

I placed my order again, speaking more slowly. I will admit, I was somewhat miffed, perceiving that the waiter was disrespecting me and trying to put himself in a position of dominance. As I thought about it, I realized I had ignored an important fact about communications. We all talk at different speeds depending on our personality, age, regional dialect, and larger social context.5 Americans residing in the Deep South speak slower than some of their northern counterparts.6 There’s nothing good or bad about that—it’s just reality.

在尝试建立融洽关系时,考虑与你交流的人,并至少在某种程度上调整你的讲话方式,这会有所帮助。你不想像人们在与孩子或来自其他国家的人交谈时那样过度补偿。那只会侮辱或迷惑他们。在说话时,试着考虑对方的需求,让他们更舒服。如果你是那种看不起说话较慢的人的喋喋不休的纽约人,或者是那种喜欢慢慢说话的慢吞吞的南方人,那么你很幸运:正如语言专家所观察到的,说话较快的人往往更有权威和说服力,而说话慢的人往往给我们留下更友好或更平易近人的印象。7

When trying to build rapport, it helps to think about the person you’re interacting with and tailor your speech at least somewhat to them. You don’t want to overcompensate the way people sometimes do when speaking with a child or someone from another country. That will only insult or confuse them. Try to be considerate of the other person’s needs as you speak, with an eye toward making them more comfortable. And if you’re one of those verbose New Yorkers who look down on people who speak more slowly, or one of those slow-talking southerners who like to take their time, you’re in luck: as linguistic specialists have observed, people who speak more rapidly tend to be more authoritative and persuasive, while slow talkers often strike us as friendlier or more approachable.7

技巧3:请求同情或帮助

Technique #3: Request sympathy or assistance

人类是利他动物——我们自然而然地想要帮助有需要的人。事实上,社会工程师最有力的短语之一就是一句简单的“你能帮我吗?”话虽如此,我们必须注意不要要求太多,以免我们感兴趣的人觉得这个请求——以及我们的存在本身就是一种威胁。一般来说,任何帮助请求都应该根据以下水平进行调整:预先存在的融洽关系。如果你与陌生人互动,请简单而轻松地请求帮助。当我来到一栋大楼,想要入侵服务器机房时,我不能只对接待员说:“嘿,您介意带我进入服务器机房吗?”我需要从小事做起——我只是想让最初的守门人让我通过,这样我就可以继续下一个守门人。我会问一个简单、无害的问题:“嘿,我忘了带徽章,我可以用这个身份证吗?”或者甚至问:“嘿,我来见某某,但我不知道她的助手是谁。你能帮我吗?”也许接待员会简单地识别出这个人的助手,然后就此打住,或者他或她会告诉我助手所在的楼层,让我通过,这样我就可以亲自与助手聊天。

Humans are altruistic creatures—we naturally want to help others in need. In fact, one of a social engineer’s most powerful phrases is a simple “Can you help me?” That said, we must take care not to ask for too much lest our person of interest find the request—and our very presence—threatening. As a general rule, tailor any request for help to the level of preexisting rapport. If you’re interacting with a stranger, make your request for help simple and light. When I show up at a building seeking to hack into the server room, I can’t just say to the receptionist, “Hey, would you mind showing me into the server room?” I need to start small—I’m just trying to get the initial gatekeeper to let me pass so that I can go on to the next gatekeeper. I’ll ask a simple, innocuous question: “Hey, I’ve forgotten my badge, can I just use this ID?” or even, “Hey, I’m here to see so-and-so, but I don’t know who her assistant is. Can you help me?” Maybe the receptionist will simply identify the person’s assistant and leave it at that, or maybe he or she will tell me the assistant’s floor and let me through so I can chat with the assistant in person.

注意不要以调情或性暗示的方式提出这些要求。我的学生碰巧外表漂亮,就会试图这样做,正如我所解释的那样,调情通常不会让对方因为认识你而感觉更好。一旦他们意识到你不是真的对他们感兴趣,而是试图实现某种目的,他们就会觉得自己被利用了或被欺骗了。我们大多数人都知道,这并不好玩。

Take care not to make these requests in a flirtatious or sexually suggestive way. Students of mine who happen to be physically attractive will try to do that, and as I explain, flirting usually won’t make the other person feel better off for having met you. Once they realize you aren’t really interested in them in that way but are trying to achieve some objective, they’ll feel used or tricked. As most of us know, that isn’t so fun.

技巧#4:放下你的自我

Technique #4: Suspend your ego

总体而言,西方社会比集体主义倾向的东方社会更加个人主义。8这种文化倾向也延续到了职业环境中,西方人发现很难放下自我,将他人放在首位。他们将谦逊与软弱、自信或能力与力量联系在一起,他们觉得自己必须无所不知,并展现权威和控制力。这恰恰是入侵人类的错误方法。想想你生活中的某个人,他善于放下自我,以至于给人留下真正谦逊的印象。当你和这个人在一起时,他们给你什么感觉?你很可能会想到“肯定”或“认可”这样的词。谦逊的人有能力让我们自我感觉良好。当你试图让某人遵从你的愿望时,这就是力量,而不是弱点。

Broadly speaking, Western societies are much more individualistic than their more collectivist-minded Eastern counterparts.8 Such cultural tendencies carry over into professional contexts in which Westerners find it difficult to suspend their own egos and prioritize others. Associating humility with weakness and confidence or competence with strength, they feel like they have to know everything and project authority and control. That’s precisely the wrong approach when it comes to hacking humans. Think of someone in your life who is good at suspending their ego, to the point where they come across as genuinely humble. When you’re with this person, how do they make you feel? Chances are words like “affirmed” or “validated” pop to mind. Humble people have the ability to make us feel great about ourselves. When you’re trying to get someone to comply with your wishes, that’s strength, not weakness.

要建立融洽的关系,就不要再要求自己“正确”或掌控全局。不要试图改变人们的想法。让他们以自己想要或需要的方式看待世界,不要感到受到威胁。这样,你们就能更容易达成共识,因为你不会把自己置于他人之上,从而暗中将自己与他人区分开来。罗纳德·里根担任总统时,人们批评他年纪太大,不适合担任总统。他本可能会觉得被冒犯了,采取防御性反应,攻击那些攻击他的人。但他却选择放下自尊,拿自己的年龄开玩笑。例如,在与另一位总统候选人辩论时,他以这句著名的话作为开场白:“我不会把年龄作为这次竞选的议题。我不会为了政治目的而利用对手的年轻和缺乏经验。” 9这样的俏皮话引得所有人哈哈大笑,包括他的对手,双方的关系立刻就融洽起来。一些观察家甚至认为,里根正是凭借这个回答赢得了 1984 年的选举。如果你能避免与你的目标陷入潜意识的“自尊之战”,你就会暗中让他或她感到安心。

To build rapport, suspend your need to be “right” or in charge. Don’t try to change people’s minds. Let them see the world as they want or need to without feeling threatened. You’ll have a much easier time reaching common ground, because you aren’t implicitly separating yourself from others by placing yourself above them. When Ronald Reagan was president, people criticized him for being too old for his office. He could have been offended, reacting defensively by attacking his attackers. Instead, he chose to suspend his ego and joke about his age. While debating another candidate for president, for instance, he began his opening comments with the famous line: “I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.”9 A quip like that got everyone laughing, including his opponent, instantly building rapport. Some observers even believe Reagan essentially won the 1984 election with that answer. If you can avoid getting into a subconscious “battle of egos” with your target, you implicitly put him or her at ease.

说“我不知道”或“对不起”之类的话并不总是那么容易,也不总是容易把“我”或“我”之类的词从公式中剔除。如果你花了数年时间才获得医学学位,那么不以“医生”的身份介绍自己似乎很奇怪。克制自己不发表意见,而是征求他人的意见和反馈似乎很难。但你越能以这些方式行事,你就越容易与他人建立联系。

It’s not always easy saying things like “I don’t know” or “I’m sorry,” nor is it easy to take words like “I” or “me” out of the equation. If you spent years earning a medical degree, it may seem strange not to introduce yourself as “Doctor.” It might seem difficult to refrain from offering an opinion and instead solicit opinions and feedback from others. But the more you can behave in these ways, the easier it will be for you to connect with others.

技巧#5:确认感兴趣的人

Technique #5: Validate the person of interest

放下自己的自尊心是帮助别人自我感觉良好、从而更愿意帮助我们的第一步,但你也可以在此基础上,积极倾听他人的意见,肯定他们的想法和意见,并给予称赞。当然,你总是希望以适合现有融洽程度的方式行事。男人总是会犯错误,试图通过称赞女人的外表来与女人建立融洽的关系。这听起来很傲慢或令人毛骨悚然,因为在这种情况下,男人还没有建立足够的友谊。要友善,但也要试着把自己放在你感兴趣的人的位置。他们可能喜欢听到什么?他们可能会觉得哪些话来自他们不太熟悉的人,很尴尬或令人反感?

Suspending your own ego is a good first step toward helping others feel good about themselves and thus more inclined to help us, but you can build on that by actively listening to others, affirming their ideas and opinions, and offering compliments. Of course, you’ll always want to behave in ways appropriate to the existing level of rapport. Guys make mistakes all the time here, trying to establish rapport with women by complimenting their physical appearance. It comes off sounding condescending or creepy, because the guys in this situation haven’t built up enough of a friendship. Be kind, but try as well to put yourself in the position of your person of interest. What might they like to hear? And what might they find awkward or offensive coming from someone they don’t know very well?

技巧#6:与交换条件联系起来

Technique #6: Connect with the quid pro quo

作为一名专业的人类黑客,我可能会试图让某人泄露敏感信息。我经常会主动提供一些无关紧要的信息,而不是直截了当地询问这些信息。假设我走到接待员的桌子前,想让她告诉我服务器机房的位置。如果我注意到她一家度假时在海滩上的照片,我可能会邀请她和我交谈,这样说:“嘿,我即将带我的两个儿子第一次去海滩旅行。我对海滩一无所知。这个看起来很棒!”后来,当我顺便问她服务器机房的情况时,她会更愿意透露,因为我已经告诉了她一些关于我自己的私人信息。此外,我还含蓄地向她询问有关海滩的建议,这让她感到自豪,并让她处于权威地位。我给了她一些东西,她现在也可以给我一些东西。这是交换条件,宝贝。

As a professional hacker of humans, I might seek to get someone to divulge sensitive information. Instead of bluntly asking for that information, I often volunteer some innocuous information of my own. Let’s say I’m coming up to a receptionist’s desk and want her to tell me where the server room is located. If I notice a photograph of her family on the beach during their vacation, I might invite her to converse with me by saying something like: “Hey, I’m about to take my two sons on their first beach trip. I don’t know anything about beaches. This one looks great!” Later on, when I ask her in passing about the server room, she’ll feel more comfortable divulging it because I’ve already told her something personal about myself. In addition, I’m implicitly asking her for advice about beaches, which validates her and puts her in a position of authority. I’ve given her something, and she can now give me something. Quid pro quo, baby.

技巧七:为了得到而付出

Technique #7: Give to get

精明的人类黑客通过寻找机会向他人赠送礼物,将交换条件提升到了一个新的水平。这个想法被称为“互惠“利他主义”:许多动物物种,比如人类,都倾向于为善待他们的人做一些好事。甚至老鼠也会这样做。10有时你送的礼物可以是实物,但同样,非物质的善意或体贴礼物也很有用。11关键是要确保礼物对对方有价值,不管你是否认为它有价值。

Shrewd hackers of humans take quid pro quo to the next level by seeking opportunities to bestow gifts on others. The idea is called “reciprocal altruism”: many animal species, like human beings, feel inclined to do something nice for others who behave kindly toward them. Even rats do this.10 Sometimes the gift you give can be a physical good, but just as often a nonmaterial gift of kindness or consideration will work.11 The key is to make sure the gift has some value to the other person, whether or not you happen to find it valuable.

有一次,我和 Robin Dreeke 租了一辆车去参加培训。我们租的车小得可笑——我甚至连腿都塞不进去。我们走向柜台寻求升级。到达后,我们发现很多顾客的车都出现了问题。有些人甚至对中年女客服人员大喊大叫,她虽然很冷静,但似乎有些疲惫不堪。

On one occasion, Robin Dreeke and I were renting a car to go to a training. The model we’d rented was ridiculously small—I couldn’t even fit my legs into it. We headed toward the counter seeking an upgrade. Upon arriving, we noticed many customers were having problems with their cars. Some were even screaming at the middle-aged, female customer service representative, who remained calm but seemed frazzled.

我们排队等候,轮到我们时,罗宾做了一件绝对天才的事。他没有直接要求客服代表升舱,而是说:“女士,看来您今天心情很糟糕。我们何不在这里站一会儿?您可以稍事休息。”

We stood in line, and when our turn came up, Robin did something absolutely genius. Instead of just asking the customer service rep for an upgrade, he said, “Ma’am, it looks like you’re having a really bad day. Why don’t we just stand here for a minute? You can take a quick break.”

就这样,女人脸上的肌肉放松了下来。“真的吗?”她问道,瞥了一眼她的主管。“你会这么做吗?”

Just like that, the muscles in the woman’s face relaxed. “Really?” she asked, glancing over at her supervisor. “You would do that?”

“当然,”罗宾说。“大家都对你大喊大叫。”他指着她身后桌子上的水瓶。“你为什么不过去喝一口,然后我们就可以假装在说话了。”

“Sure,” Robin said. “Everyone’s been screaming at you.” He pointed at her water bottle, which was standing behind her on a table. “Why don’t you just go over and take a drink, and we can pretend we’re talking.”

就好像我们给了她世界上最棒的礼物。砰——瞬间就建立了融洽的关系。几分钟后,当她恢复镇定后,她问我们需要什么。我们提到我们想买一辆升级车,她不仅在短时间内为我们找到了一辆非常漂亮的豪华车,还免费送给了我们——我们甚至没有要求。我们给了她一份当时对她来说非常有价值的礼物。之后,她为我们做一些特别的事情感觉自然多了。

It was as if we’d given her the greatest gift on planet earth. Boom—instant rapport. A few moments later, when she had collected herself, she asked us what we needed. We mentioned we wanted to buy an upgrade, and not only did she find a really nice luxury car for us on short notice, she gave it to us for free—without us even requesting it. We had given her a gift that was immensely valuable to her in the moment. Afterward, it felt far more natural for her to do something special for us.

技巧#8:管理我们自己的期望

Technique #8: Manage our own expectations

在社会工程学领域有一个可怕的术语,叫做“致命一击”。你一直在努力与某人“打成一片”,建立联系,建立融洽的关系,逐渐接近你的最终目标:比如说,获得一条信息,或者让对方带你进入一个安全设施。“致命一击”是促使你的目标给你真正想要的东西的最后行动或言语。你已经“致命一击”了,而且成功了。

There’s an awful term in the social engineering world, the “kill shot.” You’ve been working hard to get “in” with someone, making a connection, building rapport, inching closer to your ultimate goal: obtaining a piece of information, say, or having the person buzz you into a secure facility. The “kill shot” is that final action or speech that prompts your target to give you what you truly want. You’ve gone in for “the kill” and nailed it.

“致命一击”听起来太无情了。我喜欢把自己想象成一个善良、有爱心的人,而不是一个受雇的杀手。此外,这种方法完全适得其反。二流的人类黑客在建立融洽关系时痴迷于他们的最终目标。他们一直在寻找“致命一击”。结果,他们往往匆忙行事,过于渴望得到他们想要的东西然后离开。他们会犯错误,说错话,最终疏远他们的“目标”。这些黑客最好管理好自己的期望,忘记他们的最终目标,而是精心设计一种互动方式,承诺让对方因为与他们见面而变得更好。

“Kill shot” sounds so heartless. I like to think of myself as a nice, caring guy, not a hired assassin. Besides, such an approach is totally counterproductive. Second-rate hackers of humans obsess about their end goal when building rapport. They’re constantly looking for the “kill shot.” As a result, they tend to rush, overly eager to get what they want and leave. They make mistakes, say the wrong thing, and wind up alienating their “targets.” These hackers would be better off managing their own expectations, forgetting about their end goal, and instead crafting an interaction that promises to leave the other person better for having met them.

认真倾听他人的言论。寻求共同点。享受互动。让互动变得真实。最终,你会对他人表现得更加体贴和富有同情心,并更快更有效地建立融洽关系。这反过来会增加你实现最终目标的几率。摆脱“一击必杀”的心态可能很难。如果互动进展顺利,你也会感觉很棒。催产素在你的大脑中流动,这可能会导致你在谈话中走得太远。在管理期望时,你还必须管理自己的情绪。提醒自己呼吸。不要着急。把别人的体验放在首位。你不会出错。

Listen carefully to what others say. Seek common ground. Enjoy the interaction. Make it real. You’ll wind up behaving more thoughtfully and compassionately toward others and building rapport more quickly and effectively. That in turn will increase the odds you’ll achieve your ultimate goal. It can be hard to dispense with the “kill shot” mentality. If an interaction is going well, you’re feeling great, too. Oxytocin is coursing through your brain, and that might lead you to jump too far ahead in the conversation. In managing expectations, you also have to manage your own emotions. Remind yourself to breathe. Don’t rush. Make the experience of others your top priority. You won’t go wrong.

选择八种建立融洽关系的技巧之一,与完全陌生的人练习。当你觉得已经掌握了它时,继续学习另一种,再一种。当你掌握了其中许多或全部技巧时,同时练习这些技巧的组合。

Pick one of the eight rapport-building techniques and practice it with a complete stranger. When you feel you’ve mastered it, go on to another, and another. When you’ve mastered many or all of these, practice combinations of these techniques at the same time.

关于 Props 的说明

A Note on Props

我喜欢伪装和服装。它们是专业社会工程师最好的朋友。在日常生活中与他人互动时,你显然不会假装成别人,以此来建立借口和建立融洽关系。然而,某些类型的物理道具可以有所帮助,尤其是因为它们可以塑造你对自己的看法。着装和外表尤为重要。在一项经典研究中,研究人员要求学生穿着他们在考场里发现的一件白大褂参加考试。研究人员告诉一组学生这件白大褂是画家的白大褂,而另一组学生则告诉他们这是教授的白大褂。那些认为自己穿着教授白大褂的学生在测试中表现更好。那些认为自己穿着画家白大褂的学生测试速度更快,得分更低。研究人员发现,那些觉得自己穿着画家白大褂的学生降低了对自己的期望。你知道那句老话吗:“你应该为你想要的工作而穿衣服,而不是为你现在的工作而穿衣服”?这话有一定道理!12

I love disguises and costumes. They’re a professional social engineer’s best friend. When interacting with others in everyday life, you obviously won’t be pretending to be someone you’re not in the course of presenting a pretext and building rapport. Nevertheless, certain kinds of physical props can help, not least because they shape how you think about yourself. Dress and appearance are particularly important. In one classic study, researchers asked students to take a test while wearing a white coat they found hanging in the testing room. Researchers told one group of students that the coat was a painter’s coat and another group that it was a professor’s lab coat. Students who believed they were wearing a professor’s lab coat performed better on the test. Those who believed they were wearing a painter’s coat worked through the test more quickly and scored lower. As researchers found, students who felt they were wearing a painter’s coat lowered their own expectations for themselves. You know that old adage that you should “dress for the job you want, not the job you have”? There’s some truth in that!12

当我试图在一家高档餐厅找到一份厨师的工作,尽管没有任何经验时,我的着装选择在我的伪装和建立融洽关系的努力中占据了重要地位。我没有穿着破洞牛仔裤和 T 恤去那里,也没有穿三件套西装。我穿了一件纽扣衬衫和正装裤——足够正式,但又不过分所以。这套服装让我感到足够自信,而且它帮助我建立融洽关系,因为它不会分散我未来老板的注意力或引起他的怀疑。在经营自己的公司时,我坐在桌子的另一边,遇到过许多着装不当的求职者。他们无法与我建立融洽关系,因为在我们互动时,我唯一想的就是,“这个人根本不知道该怎么穿。”

When I was trying to land a job as a chef at a fancy restaurant with no experience, my clothing choices figured prominently in my pretexting and rapport-building efforts. I didn’t go in there wearing ripped jeans and a T-shirt, nor was I wearing a three-piece suit. I wore a button-down shirt and dress pants—formal enough, but not overly so. The outfit left me feeling confident enough, and it helped me during rapport building because it didn’t distract or arouse suspicion in my would-be boss. Running my own company, I’ve sat on the other side of the table and encountered a number of job applicants who didn’t dress appropriately. They couldn’t build rapport with me, because all I was thinking during our interaction was, “This person has no clue how to dress.”

这听起来可能很明显,但我还是要说,因为很多人都搞砸了:仔细考虑你外表的各个方面。如果你正在给某人做销售拜访,你可能不想头发凌乱、身上有过多的穿孔或牙齿上有食物残渣。如果你很富有,想与一个不富有的人建立联系,也许你不应该戴上你所有的昂贵钻石或带着你价值 3,000 美元的 Louis Vuitton 手提包。如果你是第一次和某人约会,检查一下你是否喷了太多古龙水或香水。在许多情况下,当你试图与某人进行严肃的交谈时,要避免智能手机等令人讨厌的干扰。在任何情况下,都要考虑对方,想想你如何使用物理道具让他们尽可能舒服,这样你就可以让他们因为认识你而得到更好的回报。

It might sound obvious, but I’ll say it anyway since many people mess this up: think carefully about all aspects of your appearance. If you’re paying a sales call to someone, you probably won’t want to go in there with uncombed hair, excessive piercings, or food in your teeth. If you’re wealthy and trying to connect with someone who isn’t, maybe you shouldn’t wear all of your expensive diamonds or your $3,000 Louis Vuitton handbag. If you’re on a first date with someone, check whether you’re wearing too much cologne or perfume. In many situations when you’re trying to have a serious conversation with someone, avoid pesky distractions like your smartphone. In any situation, think about the other person and how you might use physical props to make them as comfortable as possible, so that you can leave them better off for having met you.

如何破解黑客

How to Hack a Hacker

我们可以将建立融洽关系的概念归结为两个词:友善。但不要让这个简单的命令欺骗你。建立融洽关系背后有着复杂的科学,掌握它需要一些严肃的技巧。如果你真的掌握了它,你会发现生活中最简单的事情有时是最强大的。乔·纳瓦罗告诉我,他曾经使用这里描述的建立融洽关系的原则说服印第安保留地的一名十几岁的男孩承认他犯下的罪行。这名少年用拳头打了另一个人。乔开车走了,也许是酒驾。但他不愿和乔的任何同事说话,尽管他们多次试图与他交谈。乔感觉到这名少年不知所措,于是带他离开了事故现场,散了会儿步。

We can boil down the concept of rapport building to two words: be friendly. But don’t let the simplicity of that imperative fool you. There’s sophisticated science behind rapport, and some serious artfulness is required to master it. If you do master it, you’ll discover that the simplest things in life are sometimes the most powerful. Joe Navarro told me how he once used the principles of rapport building described here to convince a teenage boy on an Indian reservation to confess to a crime he had committed. The teenager had hit another person with his car, perhaps while driving under the influence. But he wouldn’t talk to any of Joe’s colleagues, despite repeated attempts on their part to engage him. Sensing that the teenager was overwhelmed, Joe took him for a little walk, away from the scene of the accident.

乔深吸一口气,然后又吸了一口,又吸了一口。看到他这样做,少年也深吸了一口气。就这样,几秒钟之内,乔就建立了融洽的关系,让两个压力很大的人都放松下来。“我真的搞砸了,”男孩说,乔甚至没有要求他说任何话。从那以后,男孩继续透露了发生的一切。

Joe took a deep, cleansing breath, and then another, and then another. Seeing him do this, the teenager took breaths of his own. And like that, in a matter of seconds, Joe had established rapport, creating a tribe of two stressed-out human beings trying to relax. “I really screwed up,” the boy said, without Joe even asking him to tell him anything. From there, the boy went on to reveal everything that had happened.

建立融洽关系的威力如此巨大,即使是训练有素的黑客也无法幸免。在我们每年的大型会议上,我的公司都会举办一场盛大的正式派对,邀请的嘉宾名单非常独家,只有我们的客户和一些亲密的朋友。我们的黑客同事都知道这个派对,每年都会有一些人试图偷偷溜进来,只是为了说他们知道。不久前,一个家伙在会议上找到我说:“克里斯,我们从未见过面,但我非常喜欢你的书和你的播客。这里有一份礼物给你,只是为了感谢你为我们的社区所做的一切。”他递给我一瓶格兰花格 25 年,这是我最喜欢的苏格兰威士忌。

Rapport building is so powerful that even highly trained hackers aren’t impervious to it. At our big conference every year, my company hosts a blowout formal party with a very exclusive guest list, just our clients and a few close friends. Our fellow hackers know about the party, and every year some of them try to sneak in, just to say they did. Not long ago, a guy approached me at the conference and said, “Chris, we’ve never met, but I’m a big fan of your books and your podcast. Here, I have a gift for you, just to thank you for everything you do for our community.” He handed me a bottle of Glenfarclas 25, my favorite scotch.

我惊呆了。我检查了一下瓶子,说道:“你怎么知道这是我最喜欢的?”

I was blown away. Inspecting the bottle, I said, “How did you know this was my favorite?”

“嗯,我听到你在播客上提到过它。”他告诉我是哪一集,他是对的——我确实提到过它。

“Well, I heard you mention it on your podcast.” He told me which episode, and he was right—I had mentioned it.

我感谢他的礼物,然后感到有冲动为他做点好事。“嘿,”我说,递给他一个特殊的腕带,“我们今晚有一个私人聚会,你为什么不来呢?你可以用这个进去。”

I thanked him for the gift and then felt the impulse to do something nice for him. “Hey,” I said, handing him a special wristband, “we’re having a private party tonight, why don’t you come? You can use this to get in.”

“哇,伙计,”他说,“这太酷了。嘿,我有几个朋友。我可以带他们来吗?”

“Wow, man,” he said, “this is so cool. Hey, I have some friends with me. Can I bring them?”

“当然了,”我高兴地答道,想要回报这份礼物。“你需要多少个?”

“Of course,” I exclaimed, happy to repay the gift. “How many do you need?”

“五。”

“Five.”

对于一个既不是客户也不是密友的人来说,额外邀请五张邀请函的要求相当高,但这个人刚刚给了我一份对我来说意义重大的礼物,所以很难拒绝。我没有多想,就又递给他五张腕带。他向我道谢,然后就走了。那天晚上,他和他的五个朋友用我们的钱开派对。他们有很多故事可以讲给办公室的同事听。

Five extra invitations was a pretty big ask for someone who wasn’t a client or close friend, but this individual had just given me a gift that meant something to me, so it felt hard to say no. Without thinking much about it, I handed him five more wristbands. He thanked me profusely and went on his way. That night, he and his five friends partied it up on our dime. They had quite the story to tell their colleagues back at the office.

这家伙很棒。他没有操纵我按照他的命令行事——一点也没有。他通过在几秒钟内完成几项任务建立了融洽的关系。他确认了我和他是同一支安全专家队伍。他认可了我,同时隐性地放下了自己的自尊。他还给了我一份体贴的礼物,对我来说意义重大。催产素像强大的密西西比河一样涌入我的大脑,创造了一种我遵从他的意愿的情况。当我这样做时,他走了,让我因为遇到他而过得更好。

This guy was good. He hadn’t manipulated me into doing his bidding—not at all. He’d built rapport by accomplishing several tasks in just a few seconds. He’d affirmed that he and I were in the same tribe of security professionals. He’d validated me while implicitly suspending his own ego. And he’d bestowed a thoughtful gift that meant something to me. The oxytocin was surging through my brain like the mighty Mississippi, creating a situation in which I wanted to comply with his wishes. When I did so, he went on his way, leaving me better off for having met him.

这家伙黑掉了一个老练的黑客。这一切都归功于他掌握了友善的艺术。勤奋练习建立融洽关系,你也许也能黑掉像我这样的人。即使你没有这样做,你也会得到更多你想要的东西,让你生活中的其他人更加快乐。从小而重要的方面来说,你将为建立社区和治愈我们支离破碎的世界做出一些贡献。

This guy had hacked a seasoned hacker. All by mastering the art of friendliness. Practice rapport building diligently, and you might hack someone like me, too. Even if you don’t, you’ll get more of what you want and leave others in your life a whole lot happier. In a small but important way, you’ll have done something to build community and heal our fractured world.

第 4 章

让他们愿意帮助你

Chapter 4

Make Them Want to Help You

通过巧妙地促使人们同意你的观点并采取行动来获得你想要的东西。

Get what you want by subtly nudging people to agree with you and to act.

本杰明·富兰克林说:“如果你想说服别人,你必须诉诸兴趣而不是智力。” 1影响力是让某人更容易以理想的方式行事或思考的过程。掌握本章中的七项原则,你很快就会发现自己能够赢得辩论、结交新朋友并说服他人遵从你的意愿。

“If you would persuade,” Benjamin Franklin said, “you must appeal to interest rather than intellect.”1 Influence is the process of making it easy for someone to behave or think in desirable ways. Master the seven principles in this chapter and you’ll soon find yourself winning arguments, making new friends, and convincing others to comply with your wishes.

我站在一家公司总部的停车场里。我的目标是:进去,进入行政办公室。当我走近前门时,一个开着崭新的宝马 Z3 跑车的男人从我身边飞驰而过,停在了一个行政停车位上。他戴着蓝牙耳机说话,从他皱着的眉头和挥舞着的手臂来看,他似乎在和别人吵架,心情很不好。“嗯,”我想,“我得慢慢走过这辆车,听听他在说什么。”我知道我不能走得太慢——那会显得很恐怖。但我带着一些文件(我的借口之一),假装读完这些信,我就可以相当合理地慢慢走过去。当我经过汽车时,我听不清他在说什么,除了一句话:“我真的不想今天这样做。这会伤害很多人。”发生了什么事?他要解雇某人吗?会裁员吗?他会宣布其他坏消息吗?

I was standing in the parking lot of a corporate headquarters. My goal: get inside and access the executive offices. As I approached the front entrance, a guy in a shiny new BMW Z3 sports car zipped past me and into an executive parking spot. He was talking into his Bluetooth headset, and from the frown on his face and his flailing arms, it appeared that he was having a spat with someone and was quite upset. “Hmm,” I thought, “I’ve got to walk slowly past this car to try to hear what he’s saying.” I knew I couldn’t walk too slowly—that would seem creepy. But I was carrying some papers (part of my pretext) and pretended to read them so that I could quite reasonably shuffle slowly past. As I passed the car, I couldn’t make out what he was saying, except for one thing: “I really don’t want to do this today. It’s going to hurt a lot of people.” What was happening? Was he going to fire someone? Would there be layoffs? Would he announce some other bad news?

我继续走到前门,走进去,走到接待员的桌子前。她面前的显示器倾斜了一定角度,我勉强能看清她在看什么。你猜怎么着?她正在玩电子游戏。一瞬间,我不再是人类黑客,而只是像一个普通的、关心的人一样行事。如果那位愤怒、焦躁的高管走进来,发现她在玩电子游戏,谁知道会发生什么。所以,我对她说:“嘿,在我告诉你我来这里的原因之前,我只想让你知道:我想我在停车场外面看到了你的老板,他心情很不好。如果他在屏幕上看到这个,他会发疯的。”

I continued walking to the front door, went inside, and approached the receptionist’s desk. The monitor before her was tilted at an angle so that I could just barely make out what she was gazing at. And guess what? She was playing a video game. For an instant, I ceased being a hacker of humans, and just behaved like an ordinary, concerned person. If that angry, agitated executive walked in and caught her playing a video game, who knew what would happen. So, I said to her, “Hey, before I tell you why I’m here, I just want you to know: I think I saw your boss outside in the parking lot, and he’s in a really bad mood. If he sees that on the screen, he’s going to freak.”

她关掉游戏,礼貌地转过身对我说:“有什么可以帮您的吗?”就在这时,那位愤怒的主管走了进来。他怒气冲冲地走过办公桌,说道:“贝丝,在我办公室。”

She shut down her game, turned politely to me, and said, “How can I help you?” Just then, the angry executive walked in. He passed by the desk in a huff and said, “Beth, in my office.”

她起身离开,转身时,她对我说了声“谢谢!”。这时,我的“黑客人类”帽子又戴在头上——我知道这不会有什么好结果。

She got up to go, and as she was turning around, she mouthed “thank you!” to me. At that point, my “hacking humans” hat popped back on my head—I knew this would end well.

我坐下来等她回来。六七分钟后,她又出现了,有点慌乱,说:“哦,我很抱歉。我不敢相信你等了这么久。”

I sat down to wait for her to come back. Six or seven minutes later, she reappeared, a bit flustered, and said, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe you waited.”

“哦,不,”我说,“我想你可以帮助我。所以,我想我会等。”

“Oh, no,” I said, “I figured you’d be able to help me. So, I just thought I’d wait.”

“我们刚才说到哪儿了?”她坐下问道。

“Where were we?” she asked, sitting down.

“哦,”我说,“你正要给我按门铃,因为我要迟到了,要参加人力资源会议了。”

“Oh,” I said, “you were about to buzz me in because I’m late for my meeting in HR.”

她看了我一眼——不,那是一种缓慢而专注的凝视——也就是说,我知道那不是真的。

She shot me a look—no, it was a slow, full-on stare—that said, I know that isn’t true.

我看了一眼手表,叹了口气。“是啊,我真的迟到了。”

I glanced down at my watch and sighed. “Yeah, I’m really late.”

“是的,你说得对,”她说。她按了门铃,让我进去了。

“Yeah, you’re right,” she said. She hit her buzzer and let me in.

这次小小的遭遇,让我和同事能够入侵整个公司。我们获得了一切的访问权限——他们的所有数据和文档。

As a result of this one little encounter, my colleagues and I were able to hack this entire company. We gained access to everything—all of their data and documents.

我在这里使用的方法不是建立融洽关系——我没有时间这样做,也无法传达一个明确的借口。我直接跳到另一套工具,人类专业黑客也在他们的工具箱中保留着:影响原则。借口和建立融洽关系足以诱导他人按照我们的意愿行事,但更常见的是,它们是故意施加影响的前奏。如果你想让你的兄弟姐妹出钱来支付你年迈母亲的护理费用,或者让你的员工付出额外的努力,让你的团队能够成功完成一个大项目,那么一旦你已经开始了对话,你就会以具体和战略性的方式传达你的请求,这样你的兄弟姐妹或员工就更有可能答应。专业黑客不会把这些努力留给机会或“直觉”。他们采用根植于人类心理学科学的成熟技术,这些技术非常强大,几乎看起来像是精神控制。事实上,如果需要的话,黑客通常可以不用借口和融洽的关系,只利用影响力来得到他们想要的东西,就像我在这里做的那样。

The approach I used here wasn’t rapport building—I didn’t have time for that, nor was I able to convey a clearly defined pretext. I jumped straight to another set of tools that professional hackers of humans also keep in their toolboxes: principles of influence. Pretexting and rapport building can suffice to induce others to behave as we’d like, but more often they function as a prelude to deliberate efforts to influence. If you’re trying to get your siblings to contribute money to pay for your aging mother’s care, or your employees to put out extra effort so your team can succeed with a big project, you’ll communicate your request in specific and strategic ways once you’ve already initiated a conversation so your siblings or employees will be more likely to say yes. Professional hackers don’t leave these efforts to chance or “gut feel.” They deploy proven techniques rooted in the science of human psychology, techniques so powerful they almost seem like mind control. In fact, hackers can often dispense with pretexting and rapport if they need to and just use influence to get what they want, as I did here.

我对这位助手使用的具体技巧称为互惠。它类似于上一章中描述的“付出才能收获”的融洽关系建立技巧但有一个重要区别。“付出才能收获”是通用的:你对对方了解不多,所以你给他们一些每个人都喜欢的小东西,希望他们也能为你做点好事。你的目标只是让他们喜欢你,以便在未来的某个时刻,你可以推动他们朝着特定的方向发展。有了互惠,影响的时刻就到来了,你的利他主义现在被敏锐地瞄准,以引发一种特定的善意行为,这种行为在对方看来既相称又自然。你对你感兴趣的人以及他们认为有价值的东西有所了解。你有意为你即将提出的请求做好准备,给他们这份有价值的礼物,这样他们就会觉得很感激你,从而答应你。

The specific technique I used with this assistant is called reciprocation. It’s similar to the “give to get” rapport-building technique described in the last chapter, with an important difference. “Give to get” is generic: you don’t know much about the other person so you give them something small that everyone likes in hopes they’ll do something good for you as well. Your goal is simply to get them to like you so that at some future moment you can then nudge them in a specific direction. With reciprocation, that moment of influence has arrived, and your altruism is now keenly targeted to elicit a specific act of goodwill that seems both commensurate and natural to the other person. You know something about your person of interest and what they regard as valuable. You intentionally prepare the way for your imminent request by giving them this valuable gift so that they’ll feel indebted enough to say yes to you.

在这个特定的黑客攻击中,我心中有一个目标:我希望接待员让我进入大楼。我猜我在停车场看到的那位高管是她的老板,于是我给了她一件我知道她会觉得有价值的东西:一个避免潜在不愉快遭遇的机会。虽然这似乎很难相信,但我无私地送出了这份礼物,并没有考虑到我的最终目标。我只是一时冲动想要帮助她。但我立刻意识到,我偶然发现了一件完美的礼物送给她,这样我即将提出的请求对她来说既合适又自然。我现在可以提出我想要的东西并得到积极的回应。我不知不觉地触发了回报动态。

In this particular hack, I had a goal in mind: I wanted the receptionist to let me into the building. Guessing that the executive I’d seen in the parking lot was her boss, I gave her something I knew she’d find valuable: a chance to avoid a potentially nasty encounter. Although it might seem hard to believe, I gave that gift selflessly, without my end goal in mind. I was just acting on impulse to help her. But it instantly dawned on me that I had stumbled upon the perfect gift to give her so that my impending request would seem both commensurate and natural for her to fulfill. I could now ask for what I wanted and receive a favorable response. I had unwittingly triggered the reciprocation dynamic.

您也可以使用互惠原则和其他影响原则来赢得他人的支持,并促使他们为您采取行动。您可能正在不知不觉中在日常生活中运用这些原则。想象一下,如果您磨练这些技能并有意识地运用它们,会发生什么。想象一下,如果能识别出别人试图影响您,那将是多么美好——您可以摆脱他们的魔咒,做出符合您自身最佳利益的明智决定。

You, too, can use reciprocation and other principles of influence to win people over and prompt them to act on your behalf. You’re probably using some of these principles in your daily life right now without realizing it. Imagine what would happen if you honed these skills and deployed them deliberately. Imagine, too, how great it would be to recognize when others are trying to influence you—you could break free of their spell and make informed decisions that are in your own best interest.

改变你生活的七项原则

Seven Principles That Will Change Your Life

除了一个例外,我使用和教授的影响力原则并非我原创,而是来自罗伯特·西奥迪尼的经典著作《影响力:说服心理学。2在接触这本书之前,我本能地实践了这些原则,但对自己所做的事情只有模糊的认识。西奥迪尼为我明确了这些原则并向我介绍了底层科学,对此我深表感激。要成为人类黑客大师,请阅读西奥迪尼以及本书末尾列出的其他作者的作品。与此同时,通过将以下七个关键影响原则融入您的日常互动中,开始培养您的技能并看到成果。

With one exception, the principles of influence I use and teach aren’t original to me but rather come from Robert Cialdini’s classic book, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion.2 Before encountering this book, I had intuitively practiced these principles, but had been only dimly aware of what I was doing. Cialdini crystallized these principles for me and introduced me to the underlying science, and for that I feel greatly in his debt. To become a master hacker of humans, read Cialdini as well as the other authors listed at the end of this book. In the meantime, begin building your skills and seeing results by integrating the following seven key influence principles into your daily interactions.

原则一:互惠互利

Principle #1: Reciprocation

总结一下,我想强调一下打破自我幻想、密切关注你感兴趣的人的重要性。《圣经》中的黄金法则告诉我们,要善待他人,就像我们希望被善待一样。在应用互惠原则时,你需要实践商人兼作家戴夫·科彭 (Dave Kerpen) 所说的“白金法则”:按照他人的意愿对待他人。3既然你试图激起他人的感激之情,那么重要的是他们的主观框架,而不是你的。想想他们会觉得一份礼物足够有价值,以激发他们对你的感激或责任感。

Rounding out what I’ve said on this, let me emphasize the importance of breaking out of your own bubble and paying close attention to your person of interest. The Golden Rule presented in the Bible has us treat others as we would want to be treated. In applying reciprocation, you’ll want to practice what businessman and author Dave Kerpen calls the “Platinum Rule”: treating others in line with their wishes.3 Since you’re trying to arouse feelings of indebtedness in others, what matters is their subjective frame, not yours. Think of a gift they would find sufficiently valuable to inspire their gratitude or feelings of obligation to you.

记住,你送的礼物不必昂贵或花哨。有时,手工制作的物品或体贴的举动对人们来说最有价值。礼物和请求都可以相当微妙。例如,提出一个问题,会产生一种回答的“义务”。透露一条信息可能会产生一种回报的义务感。嘲笑某人的笑话可能会让他们有义务嘲笑你的笑话。为某人开门可能会让他们觉得有义务为你做一些同样有礼貌的事情。

Remember, gifts you bestow don’t have to be expensive or fancy. Sometimes handcrafted objects or thoughtful gestures are the most valuable to people. And both gifts and requests can be quite subtle. Posing a question, for instance, creates an “obligation” to answer. Divulging a piece of information might create a sense of obligation to return the favor. Laughing at someone’s joke might create an obligation for them to laugh at your joke. And holding the door open for someone might leave them feeling obliged to do something equally chivalrous for you.

在上面的例子中,我给接待员的“礼物”对她来说非常完美,简直是出乎我的意料。事件发生几周后,当我向她和组织中的其他人汇报我们闯入的情况时,我问她为什么让我进去。“因为,”她说,“我已经因为在办公室玩电脑游戏而被骂了三次了。”前台工作太无聊了。你让我免于再次被吼叫,我特别感激,因为我的老板心情不好。当我回来时,你说我已经在让你进来了,我知道那不是真的,但你刚刚让我免于被羞辱。我想,‘好吧,这个好人不可能是坏人。’所以,我决定让你进来。”我很幸运地得到了一份礼物,虽然花费不多(只花了我几分钟时间),但在她看来却如此珍贵,以至于她违反了重要的安全协议。尽管她知道有些事情不太对劲,但她同意了,这让她感觉很自然,甚至可能在某种程度上觉得有义务这么做。

In the above example, the “gift” I gave the receptionist turned out to be perfect for her, to an extent I couldn’t have imagined. A few weeks after the incident, when I debriefed her and others in the organization about our break-in, I asked her why she let me in. “Because,” she said, “I got yelled at three times already for playing computer games at the front desk because it’s such a boring job. You saved me from getting yelled at again, and I was especially grateful because my boss was in a bad mood. When I came back and you said I was already in the process of letting you in, I knew that wasn’t true, but you had just saved me from being humiliated. And I thought, ‘Well, this nice guy can’t be a bad person.’ So, I decided to let you in.” I had lucked into a gift that cost me little (just a few minutes of my time) but was so valuable in her mind that she breached important security protocol. Even though she knew something wasn’t quite right it felt natural for her to agree, and she might have even felt obliged on some level to do so.

如果你打算向某人提出请求,请提前考虑该人的需求或愿望,以及任何可能引起与你的请求相称的感激或义务感的礼物。如果你不确定你感兴趣的人看重什么,请仔细观察他们,倾听他们可能表达的“痛点”——你可以通过适度的时间、精力或金钱来帮助解决这些问题。不要让你的礼物超过 现有的融洽程度,因为那样会适得其反。在日常关系中,回报可能是一个开放式的过程。你送的礼物可能会让你得到对你请求的积极回应,为你送出其他更有价值的礼物和提出更大的请求铺平道路。实际上,相互送礼的行为可以让你逐渐建立更高层次的融洽关系。你让其他人因为认识你而变得更好,从而在他们心中留下了积极的印象。因为人们更喜欢你,你可以增加你赠予和请求的价值。

If you plan to make a request of someone, think in advance about that person’s needs or desires and any gifts that might arouse feelings of indebtedness or obligation commensurate with your request. If you aren’t sure what your person of interest values, observe them carefully, listening for “pain points” they might express—problems that you might help address with a modest outlay of time, effort, or money. Don’t make your gifts larger than the level of rapport that exists, as that will backfire. Reciprocation is potentially an open-ended process in the context of everyday relationships. Gifts you give might allow you to extract positive responses to your requests, paving the way for you to give other, more valuable gifts and make bigger requests going forward. In effect, the act of mutual gift giving allows you to build progressively greater levels of rapport. You’ve left other people better off for having met you and thus created a positive impression in their minds. Since people like you more, you can increase the value of what you bestow and request.

如果我的邻居在我们度假时帮我们照看房子,我也照做,那么我们之间就建立了一定程度的善意和信任,这样我们就可以给对方做更大的帮助——比如花几个小时帮助对方弄清楚为什么他们的网络不能用——并问一个同样的回报。随着时间的推移,我们的关系不断发展,我们可能会发现我们会为对方收下贵重的包裹,或者最终在周末互相照看宠物。如果我们中的任何一个人在第一次见面时要求对方照顾我们的狗拉尔菲,那会显得奇怪和过分。我们会产生不信任,使未来的合作变得不太可能。但如果我们中的一个人在提出请求之前赠送了一份大礼,情况也是如此。另一方可能会觉得这很奇怪,并怀疑它附带了一些相当大的附加条件。

If my neighbors watch over our house when we’re on vacation and I reciprocate by doing the same for them, we’ve created a certain level of goodwill and trust between us, making it possible for either of us to do the other an even bigger favor—say, spending several hours to help the other figure out why their Internet isn’t working—and ask a similar favor in return. As time passes and our relationship develops, we might find ourselves taking in valuable packages for one another or eventually watching one another’s pets for the weekend. If either of us had asked the other to care for our dog Ralphie when we’d first met, it would have come across as strange and excessive. We’d have engendered distrust, rendering future cooperation less likely. But the same is true if one of us had bestowed a huge gift in anticipation of making a request. The other party might have found it strange and suspected that it came with some pretty big strings attached.

这里讨论的任何影响力原则都可以在他人心中产生积极的感觉,提高融洽关系的基线水平,并产生更大的影响力。因此,融洽关系和影响力是相辅相成的。你建立的融洽关系越多,你的潜在影响力就越大,反之亦然。

Any of the influence principles discussed here can create positive feelings in others’ minds, raising baseline levels of rapport and enabling even greater influence. Rapport and influence are thus mutually reinforcing. The more rapport you build, the more influence you can potentially wield, and vice versa.

原则2:让步

Principle #2: Concession

几年前,我家从人道协会领养了我们的狗洛根后,我们接到了一个募捐电话。“洛根怎么样了,”电话里的女士问道。“他还健康吗?”当我回答说他健康,并感谢她的关心时,她告诉我,他们正在为年度慈善活动筹集资金,以造福他们照顾的动物。“你们大多数邻居今天都捐了两百美元。”

Years ago, after my family adopted our dog Logan from the Humane Society, we received a call soliciting a donation. “How is Logan,” the woman on the phone asked. “Is he still healthy?” When I responded that he was and thanked her for checking in, she informed me that they were raising money for their annual charity drive to benefit animals under their care. “Most of your neighbors have been donating two hundred dollars today.”

“哇,”我说,“两百块钱可不少啊。”

“Wow,” I said, “two hundred is a lot of money.”

“是的,你说得对,”女人说。“我知道现在情况很艰难,所以也许捐出五十美元会有所帮助。你能做到吗?”

“Yeah, you’re right,” the woman said. “I know times are hard right now so maybe a donation of fifty dollars would help. Could you manage that?”

“我不知道,也许我可以做四十个。这样可以吗?”

“I don’t know, maybe I could do forty. Would that be okay?”

“太好了,”她说。“你现在想用信用卡还是支票捐款?”

“Perfect,” she said. “Would you like to donate that now by credit card or by check?”

如果那位女士打电话时没有设定 200 美元的初始金额,我可能不会捐出 40 美元。我会认为照顾一只狗已经尽到自己的责任了。或者我可能会捐出一个象征性的金额,比如 10 美元。她先给出一个较高的金额,然后让步给一个较小的金额,这让我感觉自己从她那里“得到了一些东西”,并且按照我的条件做交易。我更愿意向她让步并捐出 40 美元。

If the woman had called and not set that initial amount of $200, I probably wouldn’t have donated $40. I would have reasoned that I was already doing my part by taking care of a dog. Or maybe I would have given a token amount, like $10. By starting at a high number and then conceding to something smaller, she made me feel like I was “getting something” from her and doing the deal on my terms. I felt more comfortable conceding to her and contributing the $40.

正如黄金法则几乎无处不在所表明的那样,我们人类喜欢以己度人(我们是否真的一直这样做是另一个问题)。4这个想法远远超出了上面描述的互惠礼物。如果有人对我们做出让步,我们更有可能对他们做出让步。此外,正如社会心理学研究也表明的那样,如果我们首先同意了一个较小但相关的请求,我们更有可能同意请求——这被称为“登门槛”技术。5因此,一个可能有用的顺从途径是首先使用让步让你感兴趣的人同意一个相对较小的请求,然后在建立相互信任和融洽关系时逐步增加你的请求范围。既然我已经同意向人道协会捐款 40 美元,那么如果这是他们的最终目标,我更有可能遵守 60 美元或 75 美元捐款的后续请求。

As the near ubiquity of the Golden Rule suggests, we humans like the idea of treating others as we’ve been treated (whether we actually do it all the time is another question).4 This idea goes well beyond the reciprocal gift-giving described above. If someone concedes something to us, we’ll be more likely to concede something to them. Further, as research in social psychology has also demonstrated, we are more likely to agree to requests if we’ve first agreed to a smaller, but related request—what is known as the “foot-in-the-door” technique.5 A potentially useful pathway to compliance is thus to first use concession to get your person of interest to agree to a relatively small request and then progressively increase the scope of your requests as you build mutual trust and rapport. Now that I’d agreed to donate $40 to the Humane Society, I was more likely to comply with a follow-up request for a $60 or $75 donation, had that been their ultimate goal.

另一个技巧是让步一些对你感兴趣的人似乎很有价值但对你来说并不有价值的东西。人道协会可能已经决定他们的目标捐款是每人 25 美元。从 200 美元开始,让步 160 美元是一种有效的方法。在你使用这个技巧之前,列出你可能做出的让步,并将它们与你寻求的让步进行比较,以确保平衡对你有利。

Another trick is to concede something that seems valuable to your person of interest, but that isn’t valuable to you. The Humane Society might have decided that their target donation was $25 per person. Starting at $200 and conceding $160 of that was an effective approach. Before you deploy this technique, make a list of possible concessions you might make and compare them with the concessions you’re seeking to ensure the balance is in your favor.

如果你在养育孩子时不让步,你就错过了。我儿子科林八岁时,他经历了一个通过拒绝吃早餐来维护自己独立的阶段。他就是不会不管我怎么恳求、哄骗或威胁,他都照做。他甚至开始晚起,在校车到达前准备上学,这样他就没有时间吃早餐了。一天早上,我有了一个主意。我叫醒他说:“嘿,今天早上你有一个选择。你想要鸡蛋、麦片还是燕麦片?”

If you’re not using concession in your parenting, you’re missing out. When my son Colin was eight, he went through a phase of asserting his independence by refusing to eat breakfast. He just wouldn’t do it, no matter how much I begged, cajoled, or threatened. He even began waking up later and getting ready for school just before the bus arrived so that he didn’t have time to eat breakfast. One morning, I had an idea. I woke him and said, “Hey, you have a choice this morning. Do you want eggs, cereal, or oatmeal?”

他想了一会儿,说:“我要燕麦片。”就这样,我赢了。我似乎放弃了控制权,给了他一个选择,让他有机会表达自己的独立性,从而做出了一些让步。作为回报,他也向我做出了一些让步:他早餐吃燕麦片。我真正关心的只是他吃了点东西——不管是什么。我对他所做的就像人道协会对我所做的一样。我给了他一个选择,我知道无论他选择什么,我都会赢。在这两种情况下,做出让步的人都让他们感兴趣的人心甘情愿地同意他们想要的,让他们过得更好。

He thought about it for a moment and said, “I’ll take oatmeal.” And like that, I’d won. I’d appeared to concede something by relinquishing control and offering him a choice, thereby giving him a chance to express his independence. In return, he conceded something to me: he would eat oatmeal for breakfast. All I really cared about was that he ate something—it didn’t matter what it was. I’d done to him what the Humane Society had done to me. I’d given him a choice knowing that whatever he chose, I’d win. In both cases, the person deploying concession got their person of interest to willingly agree to what they wanted, leaving them better off.

技巧3:稀缺性

Technique #3: Scarcity

社会心理学家蒂莫西·C·布洛克(Timothy C. Brock)认为,商品理论认为“任何商品的价值都取决于其不可获得性”。6换句话说,稀缺商品就是有价值的商品。 人类黑客利用这个简单的原则(旨在解释消费者行为背后的心理)将目标引向期望的结果。你也可以。你想卖产品吗?宣布它只会在有限的时间内存在。想让某人向你吐露心声?告诉他们你不想和其他人谈论这个问题——只能和他们谈。我在安排与潜在客户的会面时总是使用稀缺性。我不会告诉他们我的日程表很空,他们可以选择任何他们想要的日期和时间进行约会,而是在一周的时间内只给他们几个相对较短的时间窗口供他们选择。做这会让人觉得我非常忙,我的时间(以及整个团队的时间)非常宝贵。潜在客户现在更想参加会议。我没有对我的潜在客户撒谎——我很忙。我只是选择在时间安排上提供有限的灵活性来强调这一现实。

According to social psychologist Timothy C. Brock, commodity theory holds that “any commodity will be valued to the extent that it is unavailable.”6 In other words, scarce goods are valuable goods. Hackers of humans mobilize this simple principle, designed to explain the psychology underlying consumer behavior, to move targets to a desired outcome. You can, too. Are you trying to sell a product? Announce that it will be around for a limited time only. Want to get someone to confide in you? Tell them you don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone else about this issue—only them. I use scarcity all the time when setting up meetings with potential clients. Instead of telling them that my calendar is wide open and they can pick any day and time they want for our appointment, I’ll give them just a couple of relatively short windows over a week-long period from which they can select. Doing so makes it appear that I’m extremely busy, and that my time (and by extension, that of my entire team) is valuable. The prospective client now wants the meeting even more. I haven’t lied to my prospect—I am very busy. I’ve just chosen to offer limited flexibility in scheduling to highlight that reality.

原则4:一致性

Principle #4: Consistency

我们人类喜欢在日常生活中体验一致性,将其与稳定、智慧和自信联系在一起。研究发现,行为一致性有助于建立认知信任(不要与情感信任混淆)。7商业环境中,咨询公司麦肯锡的成员谈到了“客户满意度的三个 C:一致性、一致性、一致性”。8如果你有孩子,你就会知道这个原则不仅适用于客户服务。你走进一个房间,发现一个珍贵的玻璃花瓶碎裂在地上。你的儿子或女儿站在旁边。当你问他们是否打破了花瓶时,他们会说:“不,不是我。”如果你发现他们的一个球在几英尺外的地板上,而这个球十分钟前还不在那里,你听到他们在家里扔东西,他们仍然否认打破了花瓶。“我刚进房间,它就碎了,”他们会说。孩子们总是做这种事——撒谎到荒谬的地步,只是为了保持与最初的故事一致。

We humans love to experience consistency in our daily reality, associating it with stability, wisdom, and confidence. As research has found, behavioral consistency helps build cognitive trust (not to be confused with emotional trust).7 In a business context, members of the consulting firm McKinsey have spoken of “the three Cs of customer satisfaction: Consistency, consistency, consistency.”8 If you have kids, you know this principle doesn’t just apply to customer care. You walk into a room to find a prized glass vase lying shattered on the ground. Your son or daughter stands nearby. When you ask if they broke the vase, they say, “Nope, not me.” If you observe that a ball of theirs is a couple of feet away on the floor, and that this ball wasn’t there just ten minutes earlier, and that you heard them throwing something around the house, they still deny breaking the vase. “I just came into the room and it was broken,” they say. Kids do this kind of thing all the time—lying to the point of ridiculousness, just to remain consistent with their original story.

你可以在日常生活中轻松调动我们保持一致性的动力。例如,通过奖励你喜欢的行为来强化人们保持一致性的内在冲动。虽然当我的儿子科林同意吃燕麦片当早餐时,我取得了胜利,但我的成功是短暂的。我必须诱导他日复一日地继续吃燕麦片。我通过奖励他的行为来做到这一点,以加强他内在的一致性驱动力。我毫不掩饰我很高兴我和他一起喝了一杯,我提议给他做任何他想吃的燕麦粥,甚至加枫糖浆来增加甜味。如今,科林讨厌燕麦粥,这是因为他小时候每天都吃燕麦粥,这要归功于我的黑客技能和他内心对一致性的追求。(你认为有一个黑客父母很容易吗?问问科林——其实不然!)

You can easily mobilize our drive for consistency in your daily life. Reinforce people’s inner urge to remain consistent, for example, by rewarding behavior of theirs that you like. Although I had notched a victory when my son Colin conceded to eating oatmeal for breakfast, my success was fleeting. I would have to induce him to continue eating it day after day. I did that by rewarding his behavior so as to reinforce his internal consistency drive. I made no secret that I was happy with him, and I offered to make him oatmeal any way he wanted, even adding maple syrup for sweetness. Today, Colin detests oatmeal, and that’s because he wound up eating it every day for an entire year as a kid, thanks to my hacking skills and his internal drive for consistency. (Think it’s easy to have a hacker as a parent? Ask Colin—it isn’t!)

公司始终坚持一致性原则,最显著的体现在其忠诚度计划中。星巴克知道其客户自然会保持早晨喝咖啡的“习惯”。他们通过以下方式强化这些习惯:每次你买一杯饮料时给你积分,如果你养成他们喜欢的其他习惯,比如在你的订单中添加一份早餐三明治,他们还会给你更多积分。你可以开发自己的奖励系统,帮助你生活中的人始终以你喜欢的方式行事。想让你的孩子发挥他们的艺术天赋吗?表扬他们画的画,并把它们贴在墙上。不知不觉中,你就会拥有多得不知该怎么处理的画作。如果你想让你的配偶更多地与你交流,不要只是要求他们这样做。当你的配偶开始向你讲述他们的一天时,积极倾听并提出后续问题,用你的兴趣“奖励”他们。当他们讲完后,以拥抱的形式给予第二次奖励。这两个动作将帮助他们形成一致的模式。

Companies play on the consistency principle all the time, most notably in their loyalty programs. Starbucks knows its customers naturally maintain morning coffee “habits.” They reinforce those habits by giving you points every time you buy a drink and more points if you develop other habits they like, such as adding a breakfast sandwich to your order. You can develop rewards systems of your own to help people in your life behave consistently in ways you like. Want your children to stretch their artistic muscles? Praise the pictures they paint and post them on the wall. Before you know it, you’ll have more paintings than you know what to do with. If you want your spouse to communicate with you more, don’t just demand that behavior. When your spouse begins to tell you about their day, actively listen and ask follow-up questions, “rewarding” them with your interest. When they’re done, proffer a second reward in the form of a hug. These two actions will help them create a consistent pattern.

您还可以在对话过程中使用一致性来推动人们朝着期望的方向前进。如果您首先提出一些更简单的问题并让他们回答“是”,那么您更有可能让某人同意您的请求。他们会更倾向于对您真正想要的东西说“是”,因为他们希望在给出的答案中表现出对自己和他人的一致性。此外,当有人同意您的愿望时,请尝试让他们明确地向您表达这一点。“所以,为了确认,”您可以对员工说,“再告诉我我们决定了什么目标,以及您什么时候完成这些项目。”如果您的员工自愿承诺采取行动,并向您口头表达这一承诺,他们会更倾向于由于具有保持一致性的心理愿望,因此可以继续跟进,而不会后退。

You can also use consistency in the course of conversations to nudge people in desired directions. You stand a better chance of getting someone to agree to a request if you first pose easier questions and get them to say “yes” to those. They’ll be more inclined to say yes to what you really want simply because they’ll want to appear consistent to themselves and to others in the answers they give. Also, when someone has agreed to your wishes, try getting them to articulate that to you explicitly. “So to confirm,” you might say to an employee, “tell me again what goals we decided on, and when you’re going to complete those projects.” If your employee commits voluntarily to taking an action, and verbalizes this commitment to you, they’ll be more inclined to follow up and not backtrack thanks to the psychological desire to remain consistent.

原则5:社会认同

Principle #5: Social Proof

如果人们相信其他人的行为或想法也是“好的”或可接受的,他们就会倾向于认为这种行为或想法是“好的”或可接受的。在研究实验中,学者们已经证明了社会认同对一系列行为的强大作用,包括做好事、乱扔垃圾,甚至“决定是否自杀以及如何自杀”。9人类黑客利用同侪压力来影响他们的“目标”。他们还试图表现得与目标相似,以便目标更愿意听从他们的命令。在他们看来,他们是在帮助内部人员,而不是陌生人。

People tend to regard an action or idea as “good” or acceptable if they believe others do, too. In research experiments, scholars have demonstrated the power of social proof for a range of actions, including doing good deeds, littering, and “even in deciding whether and how to commit suicide.”9 Hackers of humans use peer pressure to influence their “targets.” And they also try to appear similar to their targets so that targets feel more comfortable doing their bidding. In their mind, they’re helping an insider, not a stranger.

我的学生使用此类技巧从拉斯维加斯商场的陌生人那里获取个人信息。四人小组中的一名学生手持 iPad 坐在美食广场,假装是 Apple Store 应用程序的成功开发者。他声称自己有一款尚未发布的新游戏(在到达商场之前,他快速下载了一款应用程序,可用于开发简单的儿童游戏)。他说,他在商场里询问人们是否想试用该应用程序并提供反馈。要试用该应用程序,人们需要留下全名、居住地和出生日期。如果这名学生只是向路人推销该应用程序,他可能只会吸引到少数人。相反,他让团队中的其他三名学生排队假装是等待试用该应用程序的陌生人。仅此一点就激起了旁观者的好奇心,但随后这三人假装玩游戏,并大声赞叹它“太棒了”。当被问到时,三人高兴地向所谓的应用程序开发者提供了他们的个人信息。看到他们这样做,美食广场里的其他人也开始排队,自愿交出自己的个人信息。由于其他人做了这件事,看起来是“安全的”。这是社会认同原则的精彩体现。

Students of mine used such techniques to obtain personal information from strangers in a Las Vegas mall. One student in a team of four sat down in the food court with an iPad in hand, posing as a successful developer of Apple Store apps. He purported to have a new game that had not yet been released (prior to arriving at the mall, he had quickly downloaded an app that allowed you to develop simple games for kids). He was in the mall, he said, asking people if they wanted to demo the app and provide feedback. To demo the app, people would need to leave their full name, place of residence, and date of birth. If this student had simply pitched passersby to demo the app, he would likely have only attracted a few takers. Instead, he had the three other students on his team stand in line pretending to be strangers who were waiting to try out the app. That alone piqued bystanders’ curiosity, but then these three pretended to play the game and loudly exclaimed how “awesome” it was. When asked, the three happily provided their personal information to the supposed app developer. Seeing them do this, others in the food court began lining up and willingly handing over their personal information. Since others had done it, it seemed “safe.” It was a brilliant display of the social proof principle.

如果使用得当,社会认同可以创造出一种情况,让那些不情愿、愤世嫉俗的人也接受你的要求。有一次,当我试图进入一栋安全的建筑时,值班警卫递给我一个剪贴板让我签字。扫了一眼板子,我注意到当天早上签到的人中有一个叫保罗·史密斯的男人。我假装意识到我没有正确的身份证明,把剪贴板还给了他,并深表歉意,并向细心的当班保安保证,我当天晚些时候会带着正确的身份证明回来。在我出去的路上,我随意地问了他的名字。但我没有带正确的身份证明回来。相反,我第二天又回来了,找到了另一个保安。“嗨,”我说,“我叫保罗·史密斯。我昨天来过这里,吉姆帮我办理了入住手续。我填了所有的文件,他让我进去了。”保安没有检查我的身份证就让我进去了。对他来说,我通过提到他同事的名字而获得的社会认同就足够了。

Used properly, social proof can create situations in which even reluctant, cynical people concede to your requests. On one occasion, while I was trying to enter a secure building, the guard on duty handed me a clipboard to sign. Scanning the board, I noted that one of the people who had signed in earlier that morning was a man named Paul Smith. Pretending to realize that I lacked the proper identification, I handed back the clipboard, apologized profusely, and promised the attentive security guard on duty that I would return later that day with the proper ID. On my way out, I casually asked his name. I never did return with the proper ID. Instead, I returned the next day and approached a different guard. “Hey,” I said, “my name is Paul Smith. I was here yesterday, and Jim checked me in. I filled out all the paperwork, and he let me in.” The security guard let me in without checking my ID. For him, the social proof that I had mustered by mentioning his colleague’s name was enough.

原则六:权威

Principle #6: Authority

我们大多数人都受社会教育,尊重权威人物。在心理学家斯坦利·米尔格拉姆 (Stanley Milgram) 报告的一项经典研究中,耶鲁大学进行了一项研究,研究对象被要求对另一个人施加电击,借口是帮助专家更好地了解惩罚如何影响我们的学习能力。在研究人员的推动下,受试者施加了不同强度的电击作为“惩罚”,随着实验的进行,电击表面上变得越来越严重。米尔格拉姆想看看人们在权威人物的提示下会对另一个人施加多大的痛苦。在四十名受试者中,大多数(二十六人)一直持续施加电击直到实验结束,电压远高于一个级别标记为“危险:严重冲击”。正如米尔格拉姆所说,实验表明“服从倾向的绝对力量”。他继续说道:“受试者从小就学会了,违背他人意愿伤害他人是一种根本违反道德的行为。然而,26 名受试者放弃了这一原则,听从了没有特殊权力执行命令的权威人士的指示。” 10

Most of us are socialized to respect authority figures. In a classic study reported by the psychologist Stanley Milgram and conducted at Yale University, research subjects were asked to administer electric shocks to another person under the pretext of helping experts better understand how punishment affects our ability to learn. Prodded by the researcher, subjects meted out electric shocks of varying strength as “punishment,” with the shocks ostensibly growing more severe as the experiment proceeded. Milgram wanted to see how far people would go in administering pain to another person when prompted by an authority figure. Out of forty subjects, most—twenty-six—continued administering shocks until the very end of the experiment, with the voltage well above a level marked “Danger: Severe Shock.” As Milgram remarked, the experiment showed “the sheer strength of obedient tendencies.” “Subjects have learned from childhood,” he continued “that it is a fundamental breach of moral conduct to hurt another person against his will. Yet, 26 subjects abandon this tenet in following the instructions of an authority who has no special powers to enforce his commands.”10

骗子总是利用权威原则来欺骗人们,冒充警察、国税局特工等。2019 年 1 月至 5 月期间,联邦贸易委员会记录了近 65,000 起有关骗子假装来自社会保障局的报告,以及近 20,000 起有关骗子声称为卫生和公共服务部工作的报告。11可怕,不是吗?你当然不想在日常生活中使用权威原则来欺骗别人,但你可以以更微妙的方式使用它来变得更有说服力。当你试图说服老板雇用你时,你可以通过稍微加深声音或使用更适合这份工作的复杂词汇来影响他们,因为这两种方式都可能暗示权威知识。当你试图解决与客户服务人员的问题时,提到你对公司的长期光顾并唤起你对其产品的熟悉可能会让他们更认真地对待你的投诉,因为你已经确立了你作为尊贵客户的“权威”。

Scammers use the authority principle all the time to bilk people, posing as police officers, IRS agents—you name it. Between January and May 2019, the Federal Trade Commission logged almost 65,000 reports of scammers pretending to be from the Social Security Administration, and almost 20,000 reports of scammers claiming to work for the Department of Health and Human Services.11 Scary, isn’t it? You certainly don’t want to use the authority principle to cheat people in your everyday life, but you can use it in subtler ways to become more persuasive. When trying to convince a boss to hire you, you might influence them by deepening your voice slightly or using more sophisticated vocabulary appropriate to the job, since both might suggest authoritative knowledge. When trying to resolve an issue with customer service personnel, mentioning your long-standing patronage of the company and evoking your familiarity with its products might lead them to take your complaint more seriously, since you’ll have established your “authority” as a valued customer.

还记得我的那些在拉斯维加斯购物中心引诱人们透露个人信息的学生吗?在我教的下一堂课上,我挑战我的新学生超越这些壮举。他们确实做到了,这次他们运用了权威原则。一组学生去了一家酒吧,走近当晚演出的乐队主唱。其中一名学生告诉歌手,他们是正在做一项研究的学生,需要让尽可能多的人填写一份调查问卷。调查问卷上的大部分问题这份调查问卷是假的,但最后几份调查问卷要求填写其他学生要求的相同信息:姓名、居住地、出生日期。主唱同意帮忙。当晚乐队演出时,一名学生在主唱的允许下跳上舞台,拿起麦克风说:“主唱乔刚刚帮我完成了研究生项目的研究,他要求这里的每个人都来帮我。”主唱也附和道:“是的,帮帮这个人吧!”几分钟之内,酒吧里就有几十个人排队填写调查问卷,只是因为主唱——在这种情况下是权威人物——要求他们这么做。

Remember those students of mine who induced people in the Las Vegas mall to disclose their personal information? During the next class I taught, I challenged my new set of students to outdo these exploits. They sure did, this time mobilizing the authority principle. A team of students went to a bar and approached the lead singer of a band that was performing that night. One of the students told the singer that they were students working on a study and needed to get as many people as possible to fill out a survey. Most of the questions on this survey were bogus, but the last few asked for the same information as the other students sought: name, place of residence, date of birth. The lead singer agreed to help. Later that evening during the band’s performance, one of the students jumped onstage with the singer’s permission, grabbed the microphone, and said, “Joe, the lead singer, just helped me with a study for my graduate school project, and he’s asking everyone here to help me.” The lead singer chimed in, “Yeah, help this guy out!” Within a few moments, dozens of people at the bar were lined up to fill out the survey, just because the lead singer—an authority figure in this context—asked them to.

原则七:喜欢

Principle #7: Liking

如果人们喜欢和自己相似的人(上一章描述的部落主义),那么他们真的喜欢喜欢他们的人。12如果你喜欢某人,并激起与你们之间融洽关系相称的真挚关心、照顾和亲和力,那么他们也会喜欢你——并且会不遗余力地让你开心。当然,单靠喜欢你感兴趣的人并不足以确保他们也会喜欢你。如果你通过赞美他们、询问他们过得怎么样、告诉他们你有多喜欢他们等来向他们表达你有多喜欢他们,然而你身上却散发着体臭,在本应衣冠楚楚的场合却衣衫褴褛,或者弯腰驼背,摆出令人不快的防御姿势,你感兴趣的人仍然不会喜欢你。你的肢体语言和衣着会主动让他们反感。因此,除了喜欢某人之外,你还必须使用这些元素来创建一个“空白画布”,如果你愿意的话,这不会妨碍那个人喜欢你并积极回应你的请求。

If people like people who are similar to them (the tribalism described in the last chapter), they really like people who like them.12 If you like someone, evoking genuine concern, care, and affinity commensurate to the level of rapport that exists between you, they will in turn like you—and go to great lengths to make you happy. Of course, liking your person of interest by itself isn’t enough to guarantee that they will like you back. If you show them how much you like them by paying them compliments, asking how they are, telling them how much you like them, and so on, yet you reek of body odor, are shabbily dressed in a context where you’re supposed to be dapper, or hunch yourself over into an off-putting, defensive posture, your person of interest still isn’t going to like you. Your body language and dress actively turned them off. So, in addition to liking someone, you have to use these elements to create a “blank canvas,” if you will, that doesn’t impede that person from liking you back and responding positively to your requests.

即使你闻起来很香、穿着得体、避免使用令人生畏的肢体语言,并采取其他措施让自己讨人喜欢,你的人感兴趣的人可能仍不会回报你的好感。有一次,我试图闯入一栋建筑,却发生了一次重大失误。我走近接待员,称赞了她桌子上摆放的众多相框照片中的一张。其中一张是她两个十几岁的女儿在海滩度假时身着比基尼的照片。“哇,”我说,“你女儿的照片真棒。”我本意是想用这句天真的称赞来表达我对她的好感。她却用敌意的目光回应我,把我当成一个对她衣着暴露的女儿感兴趣的怪异陌生人。我甚至没有尝试申请进入。相反,我离开了,让团队中的其他人代为尝试。直到今天,这次遭遇仍然是我作为一名职业黑客最尴尬的时刻之一。

Even if you smell great, dress appropriately, avoid forbidding body language, and take other measures to make yourself likable, your person of interest still might not reciprocate your expressions of affinity. In one epic fail that occurred while I was trying to break into a building, I approached the receptionist and complimented her on one of the many framed photographs displayed on her desk. One featured her two teenage daughters in their bikinis during a beach vacation. “Wow,” I said, “that’s a great picture of your daughters.” I had meant this as an innocent compliment to convey my affinity for her. She responded with a hostile glare, pegging me as a creepy stranger who had eyes for her scantily clad daughters. I didn’t even try to request entry. Instead, I left and had someone else on my team try instead. To this day, the encounter represents one of my most cringe-worthy moments as a professional hacker.

你可能会刻意避免任何失误,但发现你感兴趣的人仍然不喜欢你。别担心,这可能与他们有关,而不是与你有关。我妻子的一位熟人与一个男人处于可怕的虐待关系中。他看起来和我很像——身高相同,体型相同,头发颜色相同。我妻子的熟人被这个男人吓坏了,以至于每当我走到她几英尺远的地方时,她就开始明显地颤抖。我可以随心所欲地微笑,向后仰头以示坦诚,散发出迷人的气味,对她大加赞美,甚至直接告诉她我喜欢她,但这都没有什么区别——她不会喜欢我。如果你已经尝试了所有方法,但仍然无法让某人喜欢你,那么这很可能是你无法控制的。与其继续让自己沮丧,不如避开这个人,从别人那里寻求你想要或需要的东西。

You might studiously avoid any miscues and find that your person of interest still doesn’t like you back. Don’t worry, it might have more to do with them than you. My wife has an acquaintance who was in a horribly abusive relationship with a guy. He apparently looked quite similar to me—same height, same build, same color hair. My wife’s acquaintance had been so traumatized by this man that she began to visibly shake whenever I walked within a few feet of her. I could have smiled all I wanted, tilted my head back in a way that suggested openness, smelled great, showered her with compliments, even told her outright that I liked her, and it would have made no difference—she wouldn’t have liked me back. If you’ve tried everything and still can’t get someone to like you, it might well be out of your control. Rather than continuing to frustrate yourself, you will be best off avoiding this person and seeking what you want or need from someone else.

打造你的影响力“肌肉”

Building Your Influence “Muscles”

现在您已经熟悉了关键的影响力原则,让我们来运用它们。尝试以下练习:

Now that you’re familiar with the key influence principles, let’s work with them. Try the following exercise:

选择你生命中重要的人,比如你的配偶、孩子或朋友。你的工作是利用一个或多个影响原则说服他们尝试吃一些他们认为永远不会想吃的东西。这种食物对他们来说不能太恶心或太糟糕——你需要让他们因为认识你而过得更好。但食物必须足够奇怪,才能有点挑战性。你会做些什么来激发你感兴趣的人的烹饪勇气?

Pick someone important in your life, such as your spouse, child, or friend. Your job is to convince them to try to eat something that they think they would never want to eat, using one or more of the principles of influence. This food item can’t be too gross or bad for them—you need to leave them better off for having met you. But the food has to be strange enough to be somewhat of a challenge. What will you do to incite your person of interest’s culinary boldness?

在写这本书的时候,我用这个练习让我的一个朋友——我叫他乔——尝试一种显然让他恶心的日本菜:生海胆即海胆的生殖腺。我们在一家寿司店吃晚餐,在我们坐下、点菜和等待食物的十分钟里,我只是为了好玩,用多种影响技巧轰炸了他。我们认识了一段时间,已经建立了一定的融洽关系,当我们走进餐厅时,我稍微加强了这种融洽关系,谈论餐厅有多棒,因为我知道乔喜欢吃美食。

While writing this book, I used this exercise to get a friend of mine—I’ll call him Joe—to try a Japanese food that clearly grossed him out: raw uni, the gonads of sea urchins. We were grabbing dinner at a sushi restaurant, and in the space of ten minutes as we were sitting down, ordering, and waiting for our food I blasted him with multiple influence techniques, just for fun. Having known one another for a while, we had already built a certain amount of rapport, which I enhanced slightly as we entered the restaurant by talking up how great it was, knowing that Joe likes a good meal.

从此,我给人留下了对寿司和这家餐厅特别了解的印象(权威原则),随口说出寿司术语,详细描述这家餐厅为什么有最新鲜的寿司,并像常客一样与女服务员聊天(她们也清楚地认出了我,这进一步确立了我的权威)。为了保险起见,我还加入了一些社会证明,告诉乔他认识的几个人之前在这家餐厅吃过海胆 ,并且很喜欢它。乔暂时同意尝尝这道菜,所以我们把它加到了我们的订单中。我已经完成了一半。

From there, I left the impression that I had expert knowledge of sushi and of this restaurant in particular (authority principle), throwing around sushi terms, describing in detail why this restaurant had the freshest possible sushi, and chatting with the waitresses as a regular would (they also clearly recognized me, which further established my authority). For good measure, I also tossed in some social proof, telling Joe about several people he knew who had previously eaten uni at this restaurant and loved it. Joe tentatively agreed to try the dish, so we included it in our order. I was halfway there.

当食物端上来时,它就像我承诺的那样新鲜,这进一步增强了我的可信度(一致性原则)。我劝说乔承诺要尝尝海胆他天生的坚持不懈的倾向也促使他想要兑现这个承诺。我提醒他,其他日裔食客也喜欢海胆(社会认同),乔也应该喜欢,因为我非常尊重他是一个喜欢冒险的食客(喜欢)。乔盯着他的海胆看了很久最后把它放进嘴里,慢慢咀嚼,吞了下去。他不太喜欢 。他告诉我他再也不会点这个菜了。尽管如此,他还是觉得尝试了新东西更好。他至少可以向朋友和家人吹嘘他尝过海胆生殖腺。

When the food came out, it was every bit as fresh as I promised, which further buttressed my credibility (consistency principle). Since I had induced Joe to promise to try uni, his innate tendency toward consistency also impelled him to want to deliver on that promise. Fellow diners of Japanese descent, I alerted him, were also enjoying uni (social proof) and so should Joe, given the high esteem in which I held him for being an adventurous eater (liking). Staring long and hard at his uni, Joe finally put it in his mouth, chewed slowly, and swallowed. He didn’t like it very much. He told me he would never order it again. Still, he felt better off for having tried something new. He could at least brag to his friends and family that he had tried sea urchin gonads.

和几个人一起做这个练习,测试七项影响力原则。在一次会面中,如果你喜欢,可以只使用其中一项,或者将它们混合搭配。试验。玩得开心。记下哪些方法不起作用。从那里开始,在你的日常生活中寻找其他可以有利地发挥影响力的机会。如果你即将在谈话中向某人提出请求,请提前计划好。从你的借口开始,然后列出可能匹配的影响力策略。如果你的借口是把自己表现为“新来的同事”,你可能不会想使用权威原则。如果你的借口是扮演“严厉的老板”的角色,请避免使用喜欢原则。还要注意你自己的情绪。如果你对这次会面感到紧张,你可能要避免使用权威原则,因为你可能缺乏说服力。如果你感到悲伤或沮丧,可能会觉得更难运用喜欢原则——你可能对很多事情都没有亲和力。

Try this exercise with a few people, testing out the seven influence principles. Use only one if you like during an encounter or mix and match them. Experiment. Have fun. Make note of what doesn’t work. From there, look for other opportunities in your daily life where you might profitably exercise influence. If you have conversations coming up where you’ll have to make a request of someone, plan these out in advance. Start with your pretext and from there list influence tactics that might match. If your pretext involves presenting yourself as the “newbie work colleague,” you probably won’t want to use the authority principle. If your pretext involves playing the role of the “stern boss,” avoid the liking principle. Also pay attention to your own emotions. If you’re feeling nervous about the encounter, you might want to avoid using the authority principle, as you might lack persuasiveness. If you’re feeling sad or depressed, it might feel harder to deploy the liking principle—you might not feel affinity for much of anything.

一旦你缩小了可能部署的影响原则的范围,不要过分坚持。当你开始执行策略时,根据需要随时放弃或修改它们。无论你做什么,都不要过度使用这些策略。否则,你感兴趣的人会开始意识到这些策略,他们的批判能力就会发挥作用——他们会变得多疑,甚至可能会讨厌你。如果把喜欢原则运用得太过,你就有可能被别人发现卑躬屈膝。如果权威太过分,你会显得傲慢自大。如果互惠太过分,你会显得不合适。在以上每种情况下,你感兴趣的人都会不太愿意帮助你,甚至可能会结束谈话。

Once you’ve narrowed down your list of possible influence principles to deploy, don’t cling to it unduly. As you start to execute tactics in the moment, abandon or modify them as necessary on the fly. Whatever you do, don’t overdo these tactics. Otherwise, your person of interest will start to become aware of them and their critical faculties will kick in—they’ll become suspicious and might even come to dislike you. Take the liking principle too far, and you risk coming off as obsequious. Take authority too far, and you’ll seem arrogant and smug. Take reciprocity too far, and you’ll seem inappropriate. In each of these cases, your person of interest will feel much less inclined to help you and might even move to end the conversation.

在这些接触过程中,你可能会发现你不需要像计划的那样运用影响力原则,因为你建立融洽关系(你也一直在实践)已经足够了。在这种情况下,停下来!停止并停止。如果你不这样做,可能会致命,就像我和我的同事瑞恩曾经遭遇的那样。我们冒充害虫防治人员闯入一栋建筑。当时是晚上 11 点半,现场空无一人。当我们绕着大楼走的时候,我们很幸运:一名工作人员独自离开大楼,前往附近的停车场。在她关门之前,我把脚伸进去接住了它。那位女士离开时没有看到我们,但她听到了我的声音。她转过身,吃了一惊,问我们是谁。我指着我们的衣服说:“女士,是害虫防治人员。我们正在检查蜘蛛和蝎子。只需快速检查一下,然后我们会在今晚没人的时候进行喷洒。”

In the course of these encounters, you might find you don’t need to mobilize influence principles as you’d planned, since your rapport building (which you’ve also been practicing all along) proved sufficient. In that case, stop! Cease and desist. If you don’t, it could prove fatal, as it once was for me and my colleague Ryan. We were breaking into a building posing as, you guessed it, pest control guys. It was eleven thirty at night, and the site was empty. As we were making our way around the building, we got lucky: a lone member of the staff was leaving the building and heading to the nearby parking lot. Before the door could close behind her, I stuck my foot in to catch it. The woman hadn’t seen us as she’d exited, but she’d heard me. She turned around, startled, and asked who we were. Pointing to our outfits, I said, “Pest control, ma’am. We’re inspecting for spiders and scorpions. Just a quick inspection, and then we’ll be spraying tonight while nobody is around.”

“哦,好的,”她说完,继续往前走。就这样——我赢了。在短短几秒钟内,我就和她建立了融洽的关系。她显然相信了我的话,并离开了。我应该闭嘴,继续往前走。但我却一直喋喋不休。“是啊,”她走开时我说,“每年这个时候,蜘蛛都特别多。我们决定深夜过来,因为喷药的时候会很吓人。它们出来后会慢慢死掉。”瑞恩瞪着我,好像在说,老兄,你在干什么?我没有多想,试图运用一致性原则,向这位女士表明,我们的行为与我们作为害虫防治员的借口是一致的。尽管瑞恩怒视着我,我还是忍不住——我喋喋不休地谈论着蜘蛛和我们使用的化学药品,挖了一个更深的坑我自己。那女人转过身来面对我们。“你知道吗,”她说,“我不知道你在这里是否让我感到舒服。”

“Oh, okay,” she said, and continued on her way. That was it—I had won. In just a few seconds, I had built rapport. She clearly believed me and was leaving the premises. I should have shut up and continued on my way. Instead, I kept yapping. “Yeah,” I said as she was walking away, “this time of year, spiders are really bad. We decided to come late at night because it can be scary when you spray. They come out and die slow.” Ryan glared at me as if to say, Dude, what are you doing? Without thinking much about it, I was trying to mobilize the consistency principle, showing this woman that our actions were consistent with the pretext we had established of being pest control guys. Despite Ryan’s glare, I couldn’t stop myself—I blathered on in this vein, talking about spiders and the chemicals we were using, digging an even deeper hole for myself. The woman turned back to face us. “You know what,” she said, “I don’t know if I feel comfortable with you here.”

“不,不,”我说,“我们会进进出出。别担心,你可以继续走。”

“No, no,” I said, “we’ll be in and out. Don’t worry, you can go on your way.”

她摇摇头。“不,我感觉不舒服。我需要你离开,否则我会报警。”她退后,快步走向她的车。我们离得这么近——我已经踏入了大门。然而,现在我们不得不离开,这一切都是因为我试图在没有必要的时候部署影响原则。一旦你已经让你感兴趣的人帮助你,就让他们去做,就这样吧!当涉及到黑客攻击人类时,少即是多。

She shook her head. “No, I don’t feel comfortable. I need you to leave before I call the police.” She backed away and walked quickly to her car. We had been so close—I had my foot in the door. And yet, now we had to leave, all because I had tried to deploy an influence principle when it wasn’t necessary. Once you’ve already got your person of interest helping you, let them do it and leave it at that! When it comes to hacking humans, less is usually more.

在接下来的一周里,每天选择一种不同的影响力原则,并挑战自己在与他人的细微互动中使用它。每天开始时花点时间集思广益,想出可以将其作为一种策略部署的多种方式。如果你想使用权威原则,列出你可以在不同社交环境中展现适度权威的方式——选择一件你认为能散发权威气息的衣服、分享一些专业知识等等。如果你想使用喜欢原则,也许你会挑战自己去接近工作中经常与你发生冲突的同事,并使用赞美和其他方式来更多地了解他们。可能性是无穷无尽的!

Each day for the next week, pick a different influence principle, and challenge yourself to use it during minor interactions you have. Take a moment at the start of each day to brainstorm multiple ways you might deploy it as a tactic. If you’re trying to use the authority principle, make a list of how you might project a modest amount of authority in different social contexts—by picking a piece of clothing that you think exudes authority, dropping bits of expert knowledge, and so on. If you’re trying to use the liking principle, maybe you’ll challenge yourself to approach a colleague at work with whom you frequently clash and use compliments and other means to learn more about them. The possibilities are endless!

终极安全卫士

The Ultimate Security Guard

随着你对这些影响原则有了更多的经验,并将它们与本书中的其他策略一起应用,你会感到惊讶让人们听从你的命令或和你一样思考是多么容易——不是因为他们必须这样做,而是因为他们这样做。影响力是你获得免费东西、获得聘用、让同事支持你的决定、诱使孩子吃早餐等等的门票。事实上,随着你越来越擅长施加影响力,风险在于你会对自己的新超能力过于自信,以为它能给你带来任何你想要的东西。在这种情况下,你将会大吃一惊。审慎地部署这些原则永远不能保证成功。真正精通人类黑客的人希望得到最好的结果,但他们知道他们的超能力是有限度的。有些人心理上非常熟练,对影响力的运作非常警觉,无论你做什么,他们都不会被说服。这样的人不多,但确实存在。

As you gain more experience with these influence principles and apply them alongside the other strategies in this book, you’ll be astonished how easy it is to get people to do your bidding or to think as you do—not because they have to, but because they want to. Influence is your ticket to getting free stuff, getting hired, getting your colleagues to support your decisions, enticing your kids to eat their breakfast, and so much more. In fact, as you become more adept at influence, the risk is that you’ll become overly confident in your new super power, assuming it can get you anything you want. In that case, you’re in for a rude awakening. Judicious deployment of these principles never guarantees success. Truly masterful hackers of humans hope for the best but know their super powers have limits. Some people are so psychologically adept and alert to the workings of influence that they just can’t be swayed, no matter what you do. There aren’t many of these people, but they’re out there.

我在黑客工作中曾遇到过一位终极保安。作为这项任务的一部分,我们必须攻破企业园区的三栋独立建筑,这次我们假扮为 Big Blue Repair Company 的修理工,来修理公司的几间服务器机房。我们轻而易举地攻破了前两栋建筑,虽然我们不在授权访客名单上,但还是绕过了安保人员。在第三栋建筑,我们遇到了一位年轻的保安,从他严肃的举止、平头和运动员的体格来看,他似乎是退伍军人。当我告诉他我的名字时,他说:“你不在名单上。”

I once met the ultimate security guard in the course of our hacking work. As part of this assignment, we had to compromise three separate buildings on a corporate campus, this time posing as repairmen from the Big Blue Repair Company who had come to fix something in several of the company’s server rooms. We nailed the first two buildings no problem, bypassing security even though we were not on their list of authorized visitors. At the third building, we encountered a young guard who from his stiff demeanor, crew cut, and athletic build seemed to be ex-military. “You’re not on the list,” he said when I told him my name.

“这很奇怪,”我说,“因为我们刚刚还在你们的其他几栋楼里,那里的保安没有放我们进去。”

“That’s odd,” I said, “because we were just in some of your other buildings, and the security there let us in no problem.”

他摇摇头。“我不是那两栋楼的保安。我是这栋楼的保安。抱歉,但你必须在名单上。”

He shook his head. “I’m not security for those two buildings. I’m security for this one. Sorry, but you need to be on the list.”

为了打探信息,我问道:“约翰,是谁把我们列入名单的?”

Fishing for information, I asked, “Who was it, John, who was supposed to put us on the list?”

“不,”他说,“我是 IT 总监弗雷德·史密斯。”

“No,” he said, “Fred Smith, the director of IT.”

“是的,我敢发誓我们办公室说他确实这么做了。让我打电话问问发生了什么事。”

“Yeah, I could swear our office said he did. Let me call and find out what happened.”

我们把一张假名片交给了保安,然后走到车上,在网上快速搜索了一下这个叫弗雷德·史密斯的人。我们找到了他,并获得了他的联系方式。我伪造了他的电话号码,打电话给刚刚被拒绝进入的保安台。“嗨,我是弗雷德·史密斯,”我对年轻的保安说。“你们刚刚拒绝了两个维修工吗?他们应该在 15 点来这里维修。所以,我要给他们的办公室打电话,让他​​们回来。请把他们的名字加到名单上。”

We left the guard with a fake business card and went out to our car to do some quick online research on this Fred Smith guy. We found out who he was and obtained his contact information. Spoofing his phone number, I called the security desk where I’d just been denied. “Hi, this is Fred Smith,” I said to the young security guard. “Did you just turn away two repair people? Well, they were supposed to come up here on fifteen to do some repairs. So, I’m going to call their office and have them come back. Please add their names to the list.”

“当然可以。”警卫说。

“Sure thing,” the guard said.

我想,问题解决了。我们成功了。

Bingo, I thought, problem solved. We were in.

大约四十分钟后,我走回安检台。“嘿,”我说,“我接到办公室的电话,说我们又回到了名单上。我想我们现在可以进去了,对吧?”

About forty minutes later, I strolled back over to the security desk. “Hey,” I said, “I got a call from my office saying we’re back on the list. I guess we can go in now, right?”

“呃呃,”保安皱着眉头说道。“在这之前,我先问你一个问题。我拿了你的名片,查了你的公司名称。我在这个州找不到蓝色巨人维修公司。你是哪里人?”

“Uh-uh,” the security guard said, frowning. “Before you do, let me ask you a question. I took your business card and looked up your company name. I can’t find the Big Blue Repair Company in this state anywhere. Where are you from?”

“哦,”我说,“那是因为我们刚搬到这里。我们刚搬到这里。”

“Oh,” I said, “that’s because we’re new to the area. We just moved in here.”

“这很奇怪,”他说,“你的名片上说你是一家家族企业,已经有二十年了。”

“That’s odd,” he said, “your card said you were family owned for twenty years.”

我这会儿有点慌了,有些结巴。“嗯,是的,不过是在不同州。”

I was flustered now and stuttered a bit. “Well, we are, but in a different state.”

“哪个州?我想找你。你在名单上并不意味着我就会让你通过。”

“What state? I’d like to look you up. Just because you’re on the list doesn’t mean I’m letting you through.”

我们从未对最后一栋大楼妥协。这家伙太厉害了,我们向他施展的任何影响策略都遭到了拒绝。我们通过冒充 IT 总监来尝试权威。我们使用了一致性原则,因为我的名片和着装与我的借口完全匹配。我们使用了社会认同,告诉保安我们去过另外两栋大楼,他的同事让我们进去了。这些都没有很有效——保安的隐形“力场”太强大了。他天生就是守门人,所以我们后来建议他的公司让他负责培训所有保安。

We never did compromise this last building. This guy was too good, resisting any influence tactic we threw at him. We’d tried authority by impersonating the IT director. We used the consistency principle, in that my business card and outfit perfectly matched my pretext. We used social proof, informing the security guard that we had been in the other two buildings and his colleagues there had let us in. None of that worked—the security guard’s invisible “force field” was too strong. He was a born gatekeeper, which was why we later advised his company to put him in charge of training all of their security guards.

如果各地的保安都像这个家伙一样优秀,如果各地公司的员工都对犯罪分子可能尝试的影响伎俩保持警惕,我和我的团队就会走上街头寻找工作。对组织来说很遗憾,但对我们来说很幸运,大多数人的个人力场都比这个保安弱得多。他们很容易受到影响力原则的攻击,而且比他们意识到的要严重得多。这对我们这些了解这些原则并知道如何调动它们的人来说意味着机会。练习影响力策略来得到你想要的东西,并赢得别人的支持。随着你的进步,你会感到满意,因为你知道你让那些因为遇见你而过得更好的人过得更好,即使你得到了更多你想要的东西。此外,你会在与他人的互动中立即发现影响力策略。你越意识到这些策略,你就越不会动摇,你对自己的决定的控制力就越强。当你被人劝说时,你真的想捐钱吗?你真的想让陌生人进入你的家吗?你真的想让一个看上去很有说服力的人加入你的团队吗?也许想,也许不想。

If guards everywhere were as good as this guy, and if employees of companies everywhere were as alert to the influence tricks criminals might try, my team and I would be out on the street looking for work. Sadly for organizations but fortunately for us, most people have personal force fields that are far weaker than this guard’s. They’re vulnerable to the influence principles, far more so than they realize. That spells opportunity for those of us who understand these principles and know how to mobilize them. Practice influence tactics to get what you want and win others over to your cause. As you improve, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you’ve left people better off for having met you, even as you get more of what you want. Further, you’ll spot influence tactics instantly in the interactions you have with others. The more conscious of them you are, the less you’ll be swayed, and the more control you’ll have over your decisions. Do you really want to donate money when you’re solicited? Do you really want to let a stranger into your home? Do you really want to bring on someone to your team who makes a seemingly strong pitch? Maybe, but maybe not.

在某些情况下,你可能会发现自己泄露了不必要的信息。索要信息的人可能是黑客,其中一些信息可能非常敏感。这些陌生人很可能使用了一些特定的影响技巧,让你的禁忌短路,让你开口说话。通过自己掌握这些技巧,你可以用它们来不伤害别人,而是发展更亲密的关系,帮助你所爱的人安全、健康和茁壮成长。你如何让医生告诉你你的诊断结果到底意味着什么?你如何让你的老板告诉你她对你的表现的真实看法?翻开书页,找出答案。

On some occasions, you might find yourself giving out information you don’t need to give. The people who solicited the information might be hackers, and some of that information might be quite sensitive. Chances are, these strangers deployed some specific influence techniques that short-circuited your inhibitions and got you talking. By mastering these techniques yourself, you can use them not to hurt people, but to develop more intimacy in your relationships and to help keep your loved ones safe, healthy, and thriving. How might you get your doctor to tell you what your diagnosis really means? How might you induce your boss to tell you what she really thinks of your performance? Turn the page and find out.

第 5 章

让他们想告诉你

Chapter 5

Make Them Want to Tell You

让人们敞开心扉,无需询问就告诉你你想要什么。

Get people to open up and tell you what you want without even asking.

上一章描述了如何让人们听从你的命令。现在我们来关注一种特定形式的影响力,即你促使人们透露他们本应保密的信息。你不仅会惊讶于通过这种影响力学到的东西,还会惊讶于你在社交场合变得多么自信,你的人际关系得到了多大的改善。如果你曾在鸡尾酒会上挣扎着进行随意交谈,请阅读本章。

The previous chapter described how to get people to do your bidding. Now we focus on a specific form of influence in which you prompt people to divulge information they might otherwise keep secret. You’ll be astonished not just by what you’ll learn by using this form of influence but by how confident you become in social situations and how much your relationships improve. If you’ve ever struggled at a cocktail party to make casual conversation, read this chapter.

这是一个挑战:接近一个完全陌生的人,开始一段对话,并在合理的时间内让他们告诉你一些他们一生中从未告诉过别人的私人事情。你能做到吗?怎么做?如果这项任务看起来令人生畏,试着看看你是否可以简单地得到这个人的全名、出生日期或他们居住的城市。

Here’s a challenge: approach a perfect stranger, start a conversation, and within a reasonable length of time get them to tell you something personal they’ve never told anyone else in their life, ever. Could you do it? How? If that task seems intimidating, try seeing if you can simply get the person’s full name, date of birth, or the city in which they reside.

我的学生把这些和类似的挑战作为家庭作业来处理作业。经过一点练习,他们就能取得辉煌的成绩。请记住,这些学生中的许多人并不是社交达人。有些人害羞内向。对他们来说,接近陌生人并开始任何对话的想法似乎令人望而生畏。然而,在为期一周的课程结束时,几乎所有人都会绽放光芒,变得善于收集信息,并且在各种社交场合中比他们想象的更加自在。在接下来的几周或几个月里再多练习一下,他们就会成为谈话高手,知道如何吸引他们遇到的任何人。

My students tackle these and similar challenges as homework assignments. With a little practice, they succeed brilliantly. Bear in mind, many of these students aren’t social butterflies. Some are shy and introverted. For them, the idea of approaching a stranger and starting any conversation seems daunting. By the end of the week-long class, however, almost all of them blossom, becoming adept at gathering information and more comfortable than they’d ever imagined in all kinds of social situations. With a bit more practice over the following weeks or months, they become master conversationalists who know how to draw out anyone they meet.

媒体经常把黑客描绘成脸色苍白的书呆子,整天盯着电脑屏幕,几乎不知道如何与人交流。看过美国电视剧《黑客军团》的人都知道我在说什么。我相信有些黑客确实符合这种刻板印象,但总的来说,成功的骗子、骗术大师和间谍是你见过的最友好、最平易近人、最有魅力的人。他们不仅知道如何通过借口和建立融洽关系来开始对话,还知道如何在对话开始后影响人们采取期望的行动。他们还知道如何故意进行对话以获取他们想要的敏感信息。事实上,他们是如此能言善辩,以至于他们在没有“目标”意识到他们别有用心的情况下获得了这些信息。从他们的目标的角度来看,他们只是在与同胞进行一次愉快、有趣和“安全”的对话。

The media often paint hackers as pasty-faced nerds who stare at computer screens all day long and barely know how to interact with a fellow human. Anyone who has seen the American drama series Mr. Robot knows exactly what I’m talking about. I’m sure some hackers resemble that stereotype, but in general, successful scammers, con artists, and spies are some of the friendliest, most approachable, most engaging people you’ll ever meet. They not only know how to start a conversation through pretexting and rapport building, and how to influence people to take a desired action once the conversation is going. They also know how to conduct a conversation deliberately to obtain sensitive information they’re seeking. They’re such smooth talkers, in fact, that they obtain this information without their “targets” even realizing that they had ulterior motives. From their targets’ standpoint, they were just having an enjoyable, interesting, and “safe” conversation with a fellow human being.

十年前,当射频识别技术 (RFID) 开始流行时,我参加了一家目标公司的鸡尾酒会。我的目标是了解该公司最近安装的新安全技术。当我站在拥挤的酒吧时,公司的一名员工走了过来。我们之前曾互相介绍过,但基本上是陌生人。我给了他一个经典的“嘿,兄弟”问候,问他是否想喝一杯。我们开始做小生意我问他是否喜欢参加这种活动,还是因为老板坚持要他参加。他说他喜欢这些派对。又聊了几分钟后,我提到我在一家公司工作——我会说是施乐公司——我们刚刚安装了这项全新的技术。“我不知道那是什么,”我说,“但就是这些奇怪的卡片。”我接着说:“我不应该谈论它,但你知道,它看起来很奇怪。说我老派吧,但我只是喜欢在口袋里放一把普通的钥匙。”

A decade ago, when radio-frequency identification technology (RFID) was becoming popular, I attended a cocktail party for a company I was targeting. My goal: learn about the new security technology it had recently installed. As I stood at the crowded bar, an employee from the company approached. We had been introduced to one another before but were basically strangers. I gave him a classic, “Hey, bro” greeting and asked if he wanted a drink. We started making small talk—I asked whether he liked coming to these kinds of events, or whether he did so because his boss insisted. He said he enjoyed these parties. After several more minutes of banter, I mentioned that I worked at a company—I’ll say Xerox—and that we had just installed this brand-new technology. “I don’t know what it is,” I said, “but it’s these weird cards.” I went on: “I’m not supposed to talk about it, but you know, it just seems so weird. Call me old-fashioned, but I just like having a regular key in my pocket.”

我的新酒友凑过来。“嘿,”他说,“你想听点更好的吗?我们公司有一个绝密项目。这是一个全新的系统,你用卡通过前门,然后再用它通过金属陷阱。”我们继续聊天,几分钟后,我了解了公司安装的塑料钥匙卡系统(RFID 卡)、安装位置以及它的主要漏洞。叮咚!

My new drinking buddy leaned in. “Hey,” he said, “you want to hear something even better? There’s this project at our company that’s top secret. It’s a brand-new system and you use the card to get through the front door, then you use it again to get through the metal mantrap thingy.” We continued chatting, and within a few more minutes, I learned all about the plastic key card system (RFID cards) the company had installed, where it had installed it, and what its key vulnerabilities were. Cha-ching!

在我的酒友看来,我们之间的谈话很友好,“很安全”,但事实上,我依靠的是一项名为“可信赖的信心知识”的原则。人性决定了,如果谈话对象也泄露了隐私信息,那么讨论隐私信息(甚至非常私人的事情)是可以的。心理学家对这一现象提出了不同的解释。一些人认为,当有人泄露隐私信息时,我们会予以回报,以维持关系中的平衡感。所谓的社会吸引力-信任假说认为,我们分享特权信息以回报他人的恩惠,因为我们想与他人建立信任和联系。1无论如何,我的酒友觉得向我泄露秘密信息是“安全的”,因为像他一样,我似乎愿意谈论我公司的安全问题。我不可能是黑客或其他有其他动机的人。

It had seemed to my drinking buddy that we were having a friendly, “safe” conversation, but in fact I was relying on a principle called “trusted confidence knowledge.” Human nature dictates that it’s okay to discuss private information—even very personal matters—if the person you’re talking to has divulged private information as well. Psychologists have offered different interpretations of this phenomenon. Some believe we reciprocate when someone has divulged private information in order to maintain a sense of equilibrium in the relationship. The so-called social attraction–trust hypothesis holds that we return the favor of sharing privileged information because we want to build trust and connection with others.1 Whatever the case, my drinking buddy felt “safe” divulging secret information to me because, like him, I appeared willing to talk about my company’s security. I couldn’t have possibly been a hacker or someone else with another motive.

但事实上我并非如此。

Except I was.

让任何人 告诉你任何事情

Get Anyone to Tell You Anything

我所在行业的人有一个词来形容不经公开询问就获取信息的行为。我们称之为诱导。坏人一直在使用这种方法。 社交媒体网站上充斥着来自不同国家的间谍,他们创建虚假个人资料,与毫无戒心的用户联系,并与他们进行看似无辜的对话。他们只需付出相对较少的风险和努力,就能获得有价值的信息,帮助他们招募这些用户分享秘密或瞄准他人。2间谍还会亲自使用诱导,试图获取敏感信息,无论是机密的政府信息还是公司机密。机场的那个友好的陌生人发现你使用政府发放的品牌钢笔或佩戴公司徽章,并询问你在哪个机构或部门工作,这可能只是在闲聊。或者他们可能是试图获取敏感情报的间谍。3恐怖分子还依靠诱导来帮助策划袭击,与员工进行看似无辜的对话,以了解某些建筑物的哪些门是锁着的、安保如何部署、设施最繁忙的时间等等。 2019 年,密歇根州警察局警告公众警惕“试图获取有关军事行动、能力或人员的信息的行为”。4其他执法机构也发布了类似的警告。

People in my business have a word for the act of obtaining information without asking for it overtly. We call it elicitation. Bad guys use this all the time. Social media sites are crawling with spies from various countries who create fake profiles, connect with unsuspecting users, and engage them in seemingly innocent conversation. With relatively little risk and effort, they obtain valuable information that helps them recruit these users to share secrets or target others.2 Spies also use elicitation in person in attempts to gain access to sensitive information, whether it’s classified government information or corporate secrets. That friendly stranger at the airport who spots you using a brand of government-issued pen or wearing a corporate badge and inquires what agency or department you work for might be just making small talk. Or they might be a spy trying to shake out sensitive intel.3 Terrorists also rely on elicitation to help plan attacks, conducting seemingly innocent conversations with employees to learn which doors on certain buildings are locked, how security is deployed, the times of day in which the facility is busiest, and so on. In 2019, the Michigan State Police warned members of the public to look out for “attempts to gain information about military operations, capabilities, or people.”4 Other law enforcement agencies have put out similar alerts.

虽然保持警惕很重要,但我们从来都不是真正安全的。在熟练的从业者手中,诱导是如此强大,很难防御。如果你想到一条你永远不想透露的信息,你的银行账户密码肯定是名单上的首位。当我们创建这些代码时,我们明确选择别人不知道但我们会记住的数字。自动取款机的键盘周围有特殊的屏蔽,强调了这一信息:不要让任何人看到你的密码。然而,我和一位朋友曾经在一家餐馆让完全陌生的人自愿透露他们的密码。我们做到了,没有操纵或强迫他们,同时让他们因为遇见我们而过得更好。

Although it’s important that we all stay vigilant, we’re never really safe. In the hands of a skilled practitioner, elicitation is so powerful it’s difficult to defend against. If you think of a piece of information you’d never want to give out, the PIN for your bank accounts is surely near the top of the list. When we create these codes, we expressly choose numbers others won’t know but we’ll remember. ATMs have special shields around their keypads, reinforcing the message: don’t let anyone see your PIN. And yet, a friend and I once got total strangers in a restaurant to voluntarily reveal their PIN. We did it without manipulating or coercing them, and while leaving them better off for having met us.

我们不是想偷他们的钱——我们只是想好玩,看看我们能不能做到。我们当时在华盛顿特区一家古色古香的意大利餐厅里——那种桌子挤在一起的餐厅。情侣们在我们两边享用着美食。“嘿,”我的朋友按照我们之前安排的计划对我说,“你读过《今日美国上的那篇文章吗?文章说,68% 的受访者使用生日作为银行密码?5

We weren’t trying to steal their money—we were just doing it for fun to see if we could. We were in a quaint Italian restaurant in Washington, D.C.—the kind where the tables are packed close together. Couples were enjoying their meals on either side of us. “Hey,” my friend said to me, as per our previously arranged plan, “did you read that article in USA Today that said that sixty-eight percent of people surveyed use their birthday as their bank PIN?5

“好吧,我完全相信,”我咬了一口番茄意面说道,“我的意思是,我的 PIN 码是 0774。”当然,那不是我的生日,也不是我的 PIN 码,但我们周围的人并不知道。

“Well, I totally believe that,” I said, taking a bite of spaghetti pomodoro. “I mean, my PIN is zero-seven-seven-four.” Of course, that wasn’t my birthday or my PIN number, but the people around us didn’t know that.

我的朋友擦掉了嘴里的番茄酱。“天哪,这太蠢了。别人都能猜出来。我不使用那个。我用我妻子的生日和我的生日的组合——一二零四。”

My friend wiped tomato sauce from his mouth. “Man, that’s so stupid. People can guess that. I don’t use that. I use a combination of my wife’s and my birthday—it’s one-two-zero-four.”

我们旁边的一个人忍不住偷听了我们的话。他朝妻子点点头,说道:“我告诉过你,用你的生日来做生日记录是个愚蠢的想法。”

A guy next to us couldn’t help but overhear. Nodding at his wife, he said, “I told you using your date of birth was a stupid idea.”

“是的,”她说,“但它真的很容易记住:一零一八。”

“Yeah,” she said, “but it’s really easy to remember: one-zero-one-eight.”

我差点被食物噎住。我简直不敢相信。这个女人刚刚把她的密码给了我们和坐在我们周围的其他人。不过后来情况好转了。这个女人对丈夫说:“没人能记住你的号码:二四三七一四。”

I almost choked on my food. I couldn’t believe it. This woman had just given us and everyone else sitting around us her PIN. But it got better. The woman said to her husband, “No one can remember your number: two-four-three-seven-one-four.”

“不是这个,朱莉娅,”那人说。“应该是二四三七九四

“That’s not it, Julia,” the man said. “It’s two-four-three-seven-nine-four.”

正在给我们倒水的女服务员插话说:“嗯,我用的是美国银行的卡,他们允许我们使用文字或数字,所以我就用了我女儿最喜欢的毛绒玩具的名字,那就是‘熊猫’。”

The waitress, who was refilling our water glasses, chimed in. “Well, I use Bank of America, and they let us use words or numbers, so I just used the name of my daughter’s favorite stuffed toy, and that’s ‘Panda.’”

这次谈话持续了一段时间——我们又得到了两三个 PIN。如果我对旁边的那对夫妇说:“不好意思,但是可以你们两个能给我你们的 PIN 码吗?我很好奇它们是什么”,他们永远不会透露。这个问题会激活他们大脑的批判性思维部分并引起他们的怀疑。但在对话展开的背景下,他们完全可以放心地脱口而出这些数字。我们获得了我们想要的信息,而在某种程度上,这次邂逅让他们因为与我们相遇而受益匪浅。他们进行了一些轻松的玩笑,并了解到一个他们觉得有趣的事实。

This conversation went on a little longer—we got another two or three PINs. If I’d said to the couple next to us, “Excuse me, but can both of you please give me your PINs? I’m curious what they are,” they never would have divulged them. The question would have activated the critical thinking parts of their brain and aroused their suspicion. But in the context of the conversation as it unfolded, they felt perfectly comfortable blurting out those numbers. We obtained the information we’d sought, while in a small way the encounter left them better off for having met us. They’d engaged in some light banter and learned a factoid they’d found interesting.

还记得威廉·莫尔顿·马斯顿吗?正是他的工作催生了第 1 章中描述的 DISC 评估。原来他也是神奇女侠这个超级英雄角色的创造者。你会记得神奇女侠可以用她的“真话套索”将坏人包裹起来,让他们透露信息。掌握诱导技巧就像在你的后口袋里放了一把魔法套索。你可以让人们透露几乎任何事情。甚至更多。

Remember William Moulton Marston, the psychologist whose work gave rise to the DISC assessment described in chapter 1? Turns out he was also the guy who invented the Wonder Woman superhero character. You’ll recall that Wonder Woman can get bad guys to disclose information by wrapping them in her “lasso of truth.” Mastery of elicitation skills is like having a magic lasso in your back pocket. You can get people to reveal almost anything. And then some.

我和学生们在拉斯维加斯一家繁忙的购物中心,为了好玩,我告诉他们,他们可以挑选任何他们想要的“目标”,我会让他们告诉我他们的全名、工作地点和家乡。他们选了一位 20 多岁、绝对漂亮的女人,她正站在美食广场等着她的沙拉。这个女人衣着暴露,穿着短裤、牛仔靴和法兰绒衬衫。我的学生们推断,一个漂亮的年轻女人可能对我来说是一个特别困难的目标,因为她习惯于拒绝男人的追求。因为我是一个陌生的男性,当我走近时,她会做出防御或保护的反应。“哦,来吧,”我说,“选别人吧。”但他们坚持要这么做。

My students and I were in a busy Las Vegas mall, and for fun I told them they could pick any “target” they wanted, and I would get them to tell me their full name, place of employment, and hometown. They picked an absolutely gorgeous woman in her late twenties who was standing in the food court waiting for her salad. This woman was scantily dressed in short shorts, cowboy boots, and a flannel shirt. My students reasoned that an attractive young woman would probably be an especially difficult target for me because she’d be used to brushing off men’s advances. Because I was a male stranger, she’d react defensively or protectively when I approached. “Oh, come on,” I said, “pick someone else.” But they insisted.

我不知道该如何接近这个女人。我该说些什么才能讨好她,让她告诉我我想要什么?我注意到她的外表,把注意力集中在她的靴子上,这是我快速建立联系的最大希望。

I had no clue how I was going to approach this woman. What could I possibly say that would ingratiate me with her and prompt her to tell me what I wanted? Noting her appearance, I focused on her boots as my best hope for making a quick connection.

我走到她站着的地方,拿了一个托盘,在她后面排了一个位置。停顿了一会儿后,我说:“打扰一下,我可以打扰你一会儿问你一个问题吗?”

I walked over to where she was standing, grabbed a tray, and took a spot behind her in line. After a brief pause, I said, “Excuse me, can I bother you for a minute with a question?”

她转过身说:“当然可以,有什么可以帮你的吗?”但她的肢体语言表明她确实处于防御状态。她迅速地翻了个白眼,好像在说:“你现在要用什么搭讪台词?”

She turned and said, “Sure, what can I do for you?” But her body language indicated that she was indeed defensive. She gave me a quick roll of the eye, as if to say, “What pickup line will you use now?”

她大吃一惊。“我来城里出差,”我说,“下周是我的结婚纪念日。我妻子喜欢牛仔靴,但我不喜欢。我甚至不知道怎么买牛仔靴。我看到了你的,觉得它们真的很不错。你能告诉我你在哪里买的吗?如果它在这个商场里,也许我可以买一双。”

She was in for a pleasant surprise. “I’m in town on business,” I said, “and it’s my anniversary this coming week. My wife loves cowboy boots, but I’m not a fan. I wouldn’t even know how to buy a cowboy boot. I saw yours and thought they were really nice. Could you tell me where you got them? If it’s in this mall, maybe I could buy a pair.”

她整个人的态度都变了。她的眼睛亮了起来,脸上露出了灿烂的笑容。“当然。它在商场里,我自己也在那里工作。”她继续告诉我关于靴子的一切,她可能就是销售员,并指引我去商店。“你是哪里人?”她问道。当我告诉她我住在佛罗里达州时,她说:“哦,我来自亚特兰大地区,不太远。”

Her whole attitude changed. Her eyes brightened, and she cracked a big smile. “Sure. It is in the mall, and I work there myself.” She proceeded to tell me all about the boots, as the salesperson she probably was, and to direct me to the store. “Where are you from?” she asked. When I told her I lived in Florida, she said, “Oh, I’m from the Atlanta area, not too far.”

“哇,你大老远来到拉斯维加斯干什么?”

“Wow, what are you doing working all the way out here in Vegas?”

她又跟我讲了一点她的生活,然后我把去她商店的路线重复给她听,以确保我听懂了。我不小心说错了,她说道:“不,傻瓜。来,我给你指路。”她牵着我的手,领我走到大约五十英尺外。她指着商场的走廊,重复了一遍路线。

She told me a bit more about her life, and then I repeated the directions to her store back to her to make sure I got them. I accidentally got them wrong, prompting her to say, “No, silly. Here, let me show you.” Taking me by the hand, she led me about fifty feet away. Pointing down a corridor of the mall, she repeated the directions.

我热情地向她道谢,并告诉她我会马上去给我妻子买一双。我把托盘放在附近的桌子上,假装开始走路。走了一两步后,我转过身说:“嘿,你知道吗?也许我应该等到你值班的时候再买。”

I thanked her warmly and told her I would head right over to buy my wife a pair. Leaving the tray on a nearby table, I pretended to start walking. After a step or two, I turned and said, “Hey, you know what? Maybe I should wait until you’re on duty.”

“不,不。只要告诉他们你是萨曼莎派来的。他们会给你打折。”

“No, no. Just tell them Samantha sent you. They’ll give you a discount.”

“谢谢,我会的,”我微笑着说。“伙计,你真是救命恩人。”我瞥了一眼我朝正在看我的学生们问了一声,然后又转身对她说:“嘿,我叫克里斯,克里斯·哈德纳吉。我很想告诉我妻子是谁帮我的。你说你叫萨曼莎。你的姓氏是什么?”

“Thanks, I will,” I said, smiling. “Man, you’re a lifesaver.” I glanced at my students, who were all watching, and then back at her. “Hey, my name’s Chris, Chris Hadnagy. I’d love to tell my wife who helped me out. You said your name’s Samantha. What’s your last name.”

“库珀,”她说道(这不是她的真名)。

“Cooper,” she said (not her real name).

“太棒了,”我说。“再次感谢你的帮助,萨曼莎。”

“Fantastic,” I said. “Thanks again for all of your help, Samantha.”

我转身离开,为自己的胜利而欣喜若狂。然后,更糟的是,她在我身后叫道:“嘿,你可能不知道该买哪种靴子。你应该给我的靴子拍张照片,然后发给你妻子,这样她至少可以看到它们,知道她是否喜欢它们。因为你不是本地人,如果她不喜欢,你就很难退货了。”

I turned to go, reveling in my victory. And then, to top it off, she called after me. “Hey, you might not know what kind of boots to buy. You should probably take a picture of my boots and send them to your wife so that she at least sees them and knows if she likes them. Since you’re not from around here, you’ll have trouble returning them if she doesn’t.”

我的学生听不到我们的谈话,但他们接下来知道的是,这位美丽的女士正在为我这个完全陌生的人展示她的靴子,以便我可以给她拍照。全名、家乡、工作地点——我得到了一切,还有她的靴子的照片。除了她的姓氏外,我没有询问任何这些信息。我只是以一种让她自然而然地想要告诉我的方式精心安排了谈话。

My students couldn’t hear our conversation, but the next thing they knew, this beautiful woman was modeling her boots for me, a perfect stranger, so I could take her picture. Full name, hometown, place of employment—I got everything, plus pictures of her boots. With the exception of her last name, I didn’t ask for any of this information. I just crafted the conversation in a way that led her naturally to want to tell me.

每个人都需要一个魔法套索

Everyone Needs a Magic Lasso

拥有“魔法套索”可能会成为一种巧妙的客厅魔术,但它会对您的日常生活有所帮助吗?嗯,会的。如果您是第一次约会,您可以玩二十个问题游戏,直接问您的约会对象:“您想要孩子吗?”;“您有一份收入丰厚的工作吗?”;“您有和我一样的爱好和兴趣吗?”;“您有什么我应该知道的怪癖或怪癖吗?”;等等。也许他们会如实回答,也许不会。几乎可以肯定的是,谈话会变得更加紧张或尴尬。如果你使用诱导技巧,你可以收集有关对方的所有这些信息,同时保持对话轻松愉快。假设你正在寻找与某个人结婚一个只想要一两个孩子的约会对象。要了解你的约会对象对这个问题的看法,你可以这样说:“你知道,我的兄弟姐妹都有大家庭——四五个孩子。我只是不知道我能否照顾好这么多孩子。这似乎压力太大了。”这样的陈述很可能会引来一个坦率的回答,而你并没有直接提出问题。当然,如果你的兄弟姐妹没有大家庭,你需要稍微改变一下这句话,以避免撒谎。也许可以这样说:“我小时候,我们住在一个有四个孩子的家庭旁边。我不知道他们的父母是怎么做到的。那对我来说可能太过分了。”

Having a “magic lasso” might make for a neat parlor trick, but will it help your everyday life? Um, yes. If you’re on a first date, you could play the twenty questions game and ask your date directly: “Do you want kids?”; “Are you gainfully employed?”; “Do you share any of my hobbies and interests?”; “Do you have any weird habits or quirks I should know about?”; and so on. Maybe they’d answer truthfully, maybe not. Almost certainly, the conversation would become more tense or awkward. If you used elicitation techniques, you could glean all of this information about the other person and more while keeping the conversation light and enjoyable. Let’s say you’re looking to marry someone who wants only one or two kids. To learn your date’s perspective on this question, you could say something like: “You know, my siblings all have large families—four or five kids. I just don’t know if I could handle that many. Seems so stressful.” A statement like this will likely invite a revealing response, without you having posed a direct question. Of course, if you don’t actually have siblings with large families, you’ll want to slightly alter this statement to avoid lying. Maybe say something like: “When I grew up, we lived next to a family with four kids. I don’t know how the parents did it. That might be too much for me.”

诱导法在商业环境中也很有效。假设你销售的软件可以帮助公司管理部分人力资源功能,你在一次社交活动中会见了潜在客户。你对向员工人数少于两千人的小公司销售软件不感兴趣。你可以向遇到的人解释这一点,直截了当地问他们公司的规模有多大。如果他们来自大公司,你可以跟进询问他们是否有兴趣了解你的软件。这样的问题可能不算过分或冒犯,但并不特别有趣或吸引人。如果你得到了不想要的答案,你可能会无意识地皱眉或过快结束谈话,从而散发出负面情绪。

Elicitation also works well in business settings. Let’s say you sell software that helps companies manage part of their human resources function, and you’re meeting prospective customers at a networking event. You’re not interested in selling your software to small companies with fewer than two thousand employees. You could explain this to people you meet, asking them point-blank how big their companies are. If they’re from large companies, you could follow up by inquiring whether they’d be interested in learning about your software. Such questions might not be out of line or offensive, but they’re not especially fun or engaging. If you get an answer you don’t want, you might give off negative vibes by unconsciously frowning or ending the conversation too quickly.

或者,你也可以直接开始对话,友好地询问对方就职的公司类型,并尽力建立共同点。如果对方透露自己在保险公司工作,而你恰好在早年做过一段时间的保险销售,你可以说:“哦,太棒了。我对保险不太了解,但我在大学期间确实卖了六个月的保险。这是一项艰难的生意。我不知道你们是怎么做到的。”对方可能会回答说,他们实际上并不卖保险,而是管理 IT 部门。“好吧,”你可以说,“你必须如果你有一个完整的 IT 部门,那么规模就相当大。”然后对方可能会告诉你,他们的公司发展迅速,员工人数已达五千人。太好了——现在你知道这可能是你的潜在客户了。因此,你可以继续对话,了解他们是否想要或需要你的产品。你可以探究他们是否遇到了你的软件旨在解决的那种问题。你可以说:“在我上一家公司,我们真的很难让员工感到满意。我听说保险公司也在为此苦苦挣扎。”无论你最终是否获得了新客户,你都将进行一次愉快的交谈,并给人留下友好、有趣和有吸引力的印象。

As an alternative, you might simply start a conversation, asking friendly questions about the kind of company they work for and trying your best to establish common ground. If the person revealed they worked for an insurance company, and you happened to have done a stint selling insurance earlier in your life, you might say, “Oh, cool. I don’t know much about insurance, but I did sell it for six months during college. That’s a hard business. I don’t know how you guys do it.” The person might respond by saying they don’t actually sell insurance but run the IT department. “Well,” you could say, “you must be pretty big if you have a whole IT department.” The person might then tell you they’ve been growing rapidly and are up to five thousand people. Perfect—now you know this could be a potential client. So, you continue the conversation further to find out if they might want or need your product. You could probe to see if they are experiencing the kinds of problems your software is designed to solve. “At my last company,” you could say, “we had a really hard time keeping employees happy. I heard that insurance companies are struggling with this, too.” Whether or not you wind up landing a new prospect, you will have had a pleasant conversation and come off as friendly, interesting, and engaging.

借助诱导,您可以有目的地进行对话,互动比平时更加​​顺畅和耐心。您这样做是出于个人利益,认识到大多数人对直接提问的反应不佳。但您也更友善。无论我们是否意识到,我们所有人在与他人互动时都有一些要追求的目标。您可能会寻求有关某人的感受、他们是否喜欢您、他们与谁交谈过、他们是否会成为未来事业的好伙伴的信息。借助诱导,您可以清楚自己的目标,但不会一心一意地不惜一切代价地追求它。您会花时间与他人交谈,了解他们,与他们建立联系,听取他们的意见。您按照他们的条件而不是您自己的条件与他人交流。您会仔细考虑自己所说的话,这样人们就会更愿意向您敞开心扉。

With elicitation, you’re approaching conversations purposefully, interacting more smoothly and patiently than you otherwise would. You’re doing this out of self-interest, recognizing that most people don’t respond well to being pummeled by direct questions. But you’re also being kinder. All of us have some agenda we’re pursuing when interacting with another person, whether we recognize it or not. You might seek information about how someone is feeling, or whether they like you or not, or whom they’ve spoken with, or whether they’ll be a good partner on an upcoming endeavor. With elicitation, you’re clear about your agenda but you don’t just pursue it single-mindedly and at all costs. You take the time to talk with others, to get to know them, to connect with them, to hear what they have to say. You engage with others on their terms, not just yours. You put some thought into what you’re saying, so that people feel more comfortable opening up to you.

根据我的经验,大多数人不知道如何从他人那里获取信息。当他们不积极地提出问题来获取信息时,他们会以笨拙的方式进行对话,从而暴露他们的意图并疏远他人。我怀疑这是因为当我们大多数人长大时,我们的父母在想要信息时倾向于询问我们。他们并不经常坐下来和我们交谈更友善、更中立的方式。所以,我们从未学会如何做到这一点。我们从小就认为人们天生具有防御性,获取信息的唯一方法就是从他们身上榨取。事实上,我们的商业伙伴、老板、孩子、年迈的父母、朋友和邻居比我们想象的更愿意透露信息。他们只是需要感到舒服。为了讨好他们,我们必须暂时放下自己的需求和欲望。深吸一口气,我们必须了解别人的想法,放慢速度,进行更丰富、更充实的互动。我们必须把谈话的重点放在他们身上,而不是我们自己身上。

In my experience, most people don’t know how to elicit information from others. When they’re not aggressively posing questions to extract information, they pursue conversations in clumsy ways that reveal their agendas and alienate others. I suspect this is because when most of us grew up our parents tended to interrogate us when they wanted information. They didn’t often sit down to speak with us in a kinder, more neutral way. So, we never learned how to do this. We grew up assuming people were naturally defensive and the only way to get information was to squeeze it out of them. In truth, our business associates, bosses, children, elderly parents, friends, and neighbors are a lot more willing to divulge information than we might realize. They just have to feel comfortable. To ingratiate ourselves with them, we have to suspend our own needs and desires for a moment. Taking a deep breath, we have to understand where others are coming from and slow down enough to have a richer, more fulfilling interaction. We have to make the conversation about them, not us.

有效诱导的七个步骤

Seven Steps to Effective Elicitation

有一个简单的方法来谈论别人,这样你就可以引出信息,让对方因为认识你而受益。首先,制定一个预期目标。你从谈话中寻求什么信息?你的目标越清晰,你就能越周到地引导一次会面。但要注意:你不能选择任何目标。你寻求的信息必须与你与目标之间的借口和融洽程度大致相符。如果我们在进行语音钓鱼攻击时打电话给公司的人,比如说我们来自 IT 部门,并要求他们的社会安全号码,他们会起疑心,不会告诉我们。但如果我们告诉他们我们是从人力资源部门打来的,他们更愿意敞开心扉。他们明白为什么人力资源部门的人需要社会安全号码,因为人力资源部门负责预扣税和其他税务相关事宜。IT 人员?有可能,但我们必须更加努力地找借口,让它合适。

There’s an easy process for making conversation about someone else, so that you can elicit information and leave the other person better off for having met you. First, frame an intended goal. What information do you seek from a conversation? The clearer your goal is in your mind, the more thoughtfully you can steer an encounter. But beware: you can’t choose any goal. The information you seek must roughly align with the pretext and level of rapport you have with your target of interest. If we call people at a company when conducting a vishing (voice phishing) attack, say we’re from the IT department, and request their Social Security number, they’ll get suspicious and won’t give it to us. But if we tell them we’re calling from the HR department, they’re more inclined to open up. They understand why someone from HR would need a Social Security number, since HR handles withholdings and other tax-related matters. An IT guy? It’s possible but we have to work harder at the pretext to make it fit.

第二,牢记目标,观察你感兴趣的人。这一步至关重要。无论是陌生人还是亲近的人,如果可能的话,观察他们二十到三十秒——足够长的时间,注意关键细节,但不要太久,以免给人留下令人毛骨悚然的印象。观察他们可以让您了解自己是否在合适的时机捕捉到他们。他们看起来急着要离开吗?他们是否正在与别人交谈?他们是否戴着耳机沉浸在自己的私人世界中?如果这些迹象看起来不太乐观,请推迟对话。如果看起来有可能进行对话,请仔细观察他们的肢体语言,寻找如何接近的线索。如果他们看起来对某事感到困惑,也许您可​​以有办法帮助他们。如果他们看起来很沮丧,也许您可​​以表示同情。如果他们身边还有其他人,想想他们的“部落”对您的任务来说是一笔财富还是阻碍。

Second, with your goal in mind, observe your person of interest. This step is critical. Whether it’s a total stranger or someone close to you, watch them for twenty to thirty seconds if possible—long enough to notice key details but not so long that you come across as creepy. Observing them can clue you in to whether you’re catching them at an opportune time. Do they seem in a hurry to leave? Are they already in the middle of a conversation with someone else? Are they wearing headphones and ensconced in their own, private world? If the signs don’t seem promising, postpone the conversation. If a conversation seems possible, scrutinize their body language for clues on how to approach. If they seem confused about something, perhaps there might be a way for you to help. If they seem frustrated, perhaps you can commiserate. If they’re accompanied by others, think about whether their “tribe” will be an asset or a hindrance in your task.

如果你观察不当,你可能会搞砸下一步:制定一个“邀请性”问题和退出策略。当你接近一个陌生人时,你的开场问题——你希望能“邀请”你进行对话的问题——至关重要,因为如果你不能在头三秒内建立融洽关系,谈话就无法继续。我吃尽了苦头才学到这个。有一次,我的几个学生在一家酒店的酒吧里向我挑战,让我展示如何诱导。我信心满满地走向坐在隔壁大厅的一个人。我没有观察或思考我的问题,就大步走向这个家伙,靠得太近,大声说:“嘿,我可以问你一个问题吗?”他原来是一位年纪较大的绅士,体型比我小很多。我明显的做法吓了他一跳,以至于他的椅子向后倒去,他摔倒在地。我惊慌失措地跑到椅子后面,试图把它扶正。这把椅子比我想象的要轻得多,所以我把这家伙推了几英尺,让他脸朝下摔在附近的沙发上。酒店工作人员跑了过来,以为我在攻击他。不好。我有没有提取他的全名、出生日期和居住城市?我没有。专业提示:不要做我在这里做的事情。

If you fail to observe properly, you might screw up the next step: frame an “invitational” question and an exit strategy. When you’re approaching a stranger, your opening question—the one you hope will “invite” a conversation—is critical, since if you can’t build rapport in the first three seconds, the conversation won’t continue. I learned this the hard way. On one occasion, several of my students challenged me to demonstrate elicitation in a hotel bar. Brimming with confidence, I approached a guy sitting in an adjacent lobby. Without observing or thinking about my question, I walked too briskly up to this guy, got in too close, and said loudly, “Hey. Can I ask you a question?” He turned out to be an older gentleman and physically much smaller than me. My unsubtle approach startled him—so much so that his chair tipped backward, sending him sprawling onto the floor. Mortified, I ran around to the back of the chair and tried to tip it back up. The chair was much lighter than I thought, so I wound up launching this guy several feet, sending him into a face plant on a nearby couch. Hotel staff ran up, thinking I was attacking the guy. Not good. Did I extract his full name, date of birth, and city of residence? I did not. Pro tip: don’t do what I did here.

在提出“邀请性问题”时,首先要问自己是否可以走近并进入他们的私人空间。“你好,”你可以说,“我能占用你一分钟时间吗?”让他们稍微降低一下力场。然后确保你的更实质性的后续问题可能会引发进一步的对话。人们犯的最大错误是提出一个没有任何结果的封闭式问题。如果你试图通过说“嘿,我在找一家附近的好餐馆。你有什么建议吗?”来开始对话,你感兴趣的人可能会说,“不,对不起,我不是本地人。”或者他们可能会说,“是的,路上一英里左右有一家很棒的秘鲁餐厅。”无论哪种方式,都很难继续谈话。他们会希望你谢谢他们,然后离开。如果你反而用其他问题轰炸他们,会引起他们的怀疑。

When framing an “invitational question,” first ask if you can approach and enter their personal space. “Hello there,” you might say, “can I borrow a minute of your time?” Let them lower their force field just a little. Then make sure your more substantive, follow-up question will likely spark further conversation. The biggest mistake people make is to pose a closed-ended question that doesn’t lead anywhere. If you try to start a conversation by saying, “Hey, I’m looking for a good restaurant around here. Do you have any suggestions,” your person of interest might say, “No, sorry, I’m not from around here.” Or they might say, “Yeah, there’s a great Peruvian place about a mile down the road.” Either way, it’s hard to continue the conversation. They’ll expect you to thank them and be on your way. If instead you pummel them with additional questions, you’ll arouse their suspicion.

你的开场白中应该隐含着退出策略。如果可能的话,你应该回答在互动开始时每个人都想知道的四个关键问题之一:需要多长时间?所以,可以说“嘿,你能帮我一个急事吗?我只需要一分钟。”或者“我马上要走了,但我只是想问一下……”这样的开场白表明对话确实会很快。一定要保持简短。如果你想要更多时间,你需要对方的邀请。在他们的脑海中让时间超过你分配的时间,你就有可能疏远他们,并危及你的诱导努力。

Implicit in your opening question should be an exit strategy. If possible, you want to answer one of those four key questions that everyone wonders at the outset of an interaction: How long will it take? So, say something like, “Hey, can you help me with something quick? I just need a minute.” Or, “I’m about to run, but I just had to ask . . . .” Such an opening indicates that the conversation really will be quick. And be sure to keep it quick. If you want more time, you need an invitation from the other person. Run the clock past your allotted time in their mind and you risk alienating them and jeopardizing your elicitation efforts.

提出邀请性问题后,通过提出更多问题推动对话向前发展(步骤 4)。大多数人认为对话主要是他们说话的机会。在诱导性对话中,你提出问题来引导对话,让对方说更多话。你必须继续提出开放式的问题,因为你想让对话持续足够长的时间以获得你想要的信息。当然,提出问题让感兴趣的人可以说话意味着你将在对话的大部分时间里积极倾听(步骤 #5)。大多数人都很难积极倾听。当别人说话时,他们会思考接下来要说的观点。如果你没有积极倾听你感兴趣的人所说的话,你就没有机会提出下一个后续问题。

Once you’ve delivered your invitational question, drive the conversation forward (step #4) by posing more questions. Most people think of conversations primarily as opportunities for them to talk. In an elicitation conversation, you pose questions to steer the conversation and allow the other person to do more of the talking. It’s essential that you continue to make these questions open-ended, since you want to keep the conversation going long enough to obtain your desired information. Of course, posing questions so that the person of interest can talk means you’ll be spending most of the conversation actively listening (step #5). Most people struggle to listen actively. While someone else is talking, they’re thinking about the next point they’re going to make. If you aren’t actively listening to what your person of interest is saying, you won’t position yourself to ask the next follow-up question.

为了提高积极倾听的能力,挑战自己在谈话中提出更多反思性问题。要提出反思性问题,请重复你感兴趣的人说的最后三四个字,将其作为问题提出。如果你在谈论旅行,而你感兴趣的人说:“是的,秘鲁是我去过的最酷的国家”,那么你反思性的后续问题应该是:“真的吗,秘鲁是你去过的最酷的国家?”反思性问题会让你感兴趣的人继续谈论手头的话题。但是挑战自己提出这些问题可以让你养成更深入地参与对话和积极倾听的习惯。通过反思性问题,你还可以向对方表明你确实在关注。

To improve your ability to listen actively, challenge yourself to pose more reflective questions during your conversations. To frame a reflective question, repeat back the last three or four words your person of interest says, posing it as a question. If you’re talking about travel and your person of interest says, “Yeah, Peru is the coolest country I’ve ever visited,” your reflective follow-up question would be: “Really, Peru is the coolest country you ever visited?” Reflective questions will keep your person of interest talking about the topic at hand. But challenging yourself to pose these questions can get you in the habit of engaging more deeply in the conversation and listening actively. With a reflective question, you also signal to the other person that you’re truly paying attention.

倾听能力差也会阻碍你成功完成第六步,记住细节。你可以出色地进行对话,巧妙地诱导你感兴趣的人透露重要信息。但如果你不擅长记住细节,你的诱导努力将毫无用处。我无法告诉你,有多少学生完成了本章开头描述的家庭作业,获得了所需的信息,但却记不清,无法复述给我听。你可能会说你记忆力不好,所以你不会像专业黑客那样记录细节。别相信!我曾经我的记忆力很差,但经过练习,我不仅能记住别人告诉我的细节,还能记住许多环境细节,比如肢体语言和衣着。提出反思性问题可以提高你对细节的记忆,因为你是在强迫自己重复信息。当然,你不想过度这样做,因为你可能会让听众感到无聊或听起来像个白痴。这里有一个小游戏可以帮助你提高对细节的记忆:

Poor listening will also prevent you from succeeding at the sixth step, remembering the detail. You can do a fantastic job conducting a conversation, subtly inducing your person of interest to divulge important information. But if you aren’t adept at remembering detail, your elicitation efforts won’t amount to anything. I can’t tell you how many students of mine have conducted the homework assignments described at the beginning of this chapter, obtained the desired information, and yet couldn’t remember it well enough to repeat it back to me. You might claim you don’t have a great memory so you just won’t record details like a professional hacker. Don’t believe that! I used to have a terrible memory, but with practice I’ve reached the point where I not only remember what people tell me in fine detail, but also numerous environmental details, such as body language and clothing. Posing reflective questions can improve your memory for detail, since you’re forcing yourself to repeat information. Of course, you don’t want to overdo that, since you risk boring your audience or sounding like an idiot. Here’s a little game to play with yourself to help improve your memory for detail:

当你走进咖啡馆、酒店大堂或其他公共场所时,先选定一个特定的人口统计群体作为关注对象(白人女性、非裔美国男性、老年人、亚洲女性等等)。挑战自己记住你在这个人口统计群体中看到的第一个人的衬衫或上衣的颜色。当你发现这个群体中有人穿着灰色衬衫时,就对自己重复说“灰色衬衫”几次,看看你离开后是否还记得。一旦你熟练掌握了这一点,就挑战自己关注多个人口统计群体并记住其他细节。例如,当你走进星巴克时,你可以挑战自己记住第一个白人女性的毛衣颜色、第一个非裔美国男性的衬衫颜色,以及柜台后面至少一个人的名字。这样做一两个月,你会惊讶地发现你的记忆力提高了多少!

When you venture into a café, hotel lobby, or other public place, select a specific demographic group beforehand on which to focus (Caucasian women, African American men, elderly people, Asian women, and so on). Challenge yourself to remember the shirt or blouse color of the first person in that demographic group whom you see. When you spot someone in that group who, say, is wearing a gray shirt, repeat “gray shirt” to yourself several times and see if you still remember it after you’ve left. Once you get good at this, challenge yourself to focus on multiple demographic groups and to remember other details. For example, when walking into a Starbucks you might challenge yourself to remember the first Caucasian woman’s sweater color, the first African American male’s shirt color, and the name of at least one person behind the counter. Do this for a month or two and you’ll be shocked at how much your memory improves!

引出信息的最后一步是以一种让别人觉得认识你更好的方式和时间结束对话。很多时候,你最初的设置(“你有时间快速聊一聊吗?”)会自然而然地导致对话以一定时间。但要小心。你的诱导努力可能会比你想象的更成功,让你感兴趣的人沉浸在一个冗长的故事中。如果你因为已经获得了想要的信息而迅速中断谈话,就会暴露出你对自己目标的粗鲁和过分关注。对方会因为与你见面而感到不被尊重和更糟。在谈话中要有耐心,即使你已经得到了你想要的东西,也要继续积极倾听并友好地回应。谈话不只是关于你。

The final step when eliciting information is to end the conversation in a way and at a time that leaves people better off for having met you. Much of the time, your initial setup (“Do you have a minute for a quick conversation?”) will naturally lead the conversation to end at a certain time. But be careful. Your elicitation efforts might prove more successful than you think, leading your person of interest to become immersed in an extended story. If you quickly break off the conversation because you’ve obtained the information you sought, you’ll reveal yourself to be rude and overly concerned with your own objectives. The other person will feel disrespected and worse off for having met you. Be patient with the conversation and continue to listen actively and respond kindly even after you’ve gotten what you want. The conversation isn’t only about you.

与本书中描述的其他策略一样,你练习得越多,诱导就会越自然。每天和你生活中的人一起尝试,陌生人、朋友、家人和同事。一开始试着获取相对无害的信息,比如星巴克顾客的全名,或者你家孩子上学期间做了什么。当你变得更加自信时,使用诱导来诱导你生活中的人透露有意义的信息。你的另一半对你们的关系前景到底有什么看法?你的老板对你的表现是否像他们看起来的那样满意?你最好的客户是计划增加明年的订单,还是减少订单?上周末你家孩子参加的聚会上发生了什么?你马上就会知道!

As with the other strategies described in this book, elicitation will feel more natural the more you practice it. Try it every day with the people in your life, total strangers as well as friends, family, and colleagues. Try at first to obtain relatively innocuous information, like the full name of a fellow Starbucks patron or what your teenager did during their school day. As you become more confident, use elicitation to induce people in your life to divulge meaningful information. What does your significant other really think about your relationship prospects? Is your boss as happy about your performance as they seem to be? Is your best customer planning to increase their orders for next year, or cut them back? What happened at the party your teenager attended last weekend? You’re about to find out!

将启发提升到新的水平

Taking Elicitation to the Next Level

当你觉得更有针对性地进行对话时,你可以通过采用一些额外的技巧来提高你的结果。我们在本章开头遇到了其中一种技巧——“信任的信心”。与联邦调查局行为分析项目 (BAP) 前负责人 Robin Dreeke 合作,我开发了五种额外的诱导技巧,这些技巧将帮助你引诱人们说出自己的想法并让他们向你“泄露”信息。

As you feel more comfortable pursuing conversations more purposefully, you can improve your results by working in some additional techniques. We encountered one of these techniques—“Trusted confidence”—at the beginning of the chapter. In collaboration with Robin Dreeke, former head of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program (BAP), I’ve developed five additional elicitation techniques that will help you draw people out and get them to “leak” information to you.

1)做出明显不真实或不合逻辑的陈述

1) Make obviously untrue or illogical statements

如果您不想尝试本书中的其他内容,那就试试这个技巧吧。人们天生倾向于纠正那些看似不正确的陈述,尤其是当他们对当前话题抱有坚定信念时。6如果您在杂货店,听到有人对您最喜欢的足球队说了完全错误的话,您会有强烈的冲动去纠正他们。至少,您的思想会活跃起来,您会想:“这些人不知道自己在说什么!” 在获取信息时,您可以利用这种倾向。要了解某人是否真的对某个话题感兴趣,故意说一些不真实的话通常会促使他们纠正您,在此过程中为您提供您之前没有的信息。您甚至可以抛出荒谬或无意义的陈述,人们会用正确的信息纠正他们。我的一个学生会在人们吃午餐时走近他们,让他们告诉他他们的生日。“嘿,”他会对其中一个人说,“你在吃草莓。那一定意味着你的生日在二月。”

If you try nothing else in this book, make it this technique. People have a natural inclination to correct statements that seem incorrect, especially if they harbor strong beliefs about the topic at hand.6 If you’re in the grocery store and you hear someone utter a complete falsehood about your favorite football team, you’re going to feel a strong impulse to correct them. At the very least, your mind will stir and you’ll think, “These people don’t know what they’re talking about!” You can use this tendency to your advantage when eliciting information. To find out if someone is really interested in a topic, purposely saying something untrue will usually prompt them to correct you, in the process giving you information you didn’t have before. You can even throw out ridiculous or nonsensical statements and people will correct them with the right information. A student of mine would get people to give him their birthdays by approaching them as they ate their lunches. “Hey,” he’d say to one of them, “you’re eating strawberries. That must mean your birthday is in February.”

显然,吃草莓和二月生日之间没有任何联系,但他们还是会纠正他。“不,是在七月。”

Obviously, there was no connection between eating strawberries and having a February birthday, but they would correct him anyway. “No, it’s in July.”

“哦,第四个?”

“Oh, the fourth?”

“不,二十一号。”

“No, the twenty-first.”

“哦,太酷了,”他会说,然后继续前行。

“Oh, cool,” he’d say, and move on.

2)给人们一个括号

2) Give people a bracket

如果你想让某人向你透露一个确切的数字,试着给他们提供高估价和低估价。你感兴趣的人很可能会确认所涉金额是否在范围内,甚至会告诉你确切的数字。7擅长买车的人都会这样做是时候判断有多少谈判空间了。他们可能会说:“告诉我,如果我想买这辆车,而且需要折扣,我能不能在标价的基础上打 5,000 到 10,000 美元的折扣?”如果销售人员有兴趣谈判,他们可能会回来说:“任何折扣可能都接近 4,500 美元。”现在,你对谈判能进行到什么程度有了更好的了解。如果你直接说:“我需要在标价的基础上打 4,000 美元的折扣才能买下它”,销售人员通常会说他们做不到,因为他们想压低你的价格。但如果你给出的报价既现实又对你略有优势,那么你要么已经建立了一个可行的起点,可以进一步谈判,要么你已经知道经销商无法以可行的价格满足你。

If you’re trying to get someone to reveal an exact number to you, try providing them with high and low estimates. Chances are your person of interest will confirm whether the quantity at issue is in range, and even tell you exactly what it is.7 People adept at buying cars do this all the time to discern how much room for negotiation there is. “Tell me,” they might say, “if I wanted to get this car, and I needed a discount, could I get somewhere between $5,000 and $10,000 off the sticker price?” If the salesman is interested in negotiating, they might come back and say, “Any discount would probably be closer to $4,500.” Now you have a better idea of how far you could take this negotiation. If you had just come out and said, “I need $4,000 off the sticker price for me to buy it,” the salespeople will usually say they can’t do it, since they’re trying to lowball you. But if you come in with a bracket that’s both realistic and slightly advantageous to you, you’ve either established a viable starting point from which to negotiate further, or you’ve learned that the dealer won’t be able to meet you at a viable price point.

3)帮助他们假设你知道某事或某人

3) Help them to assume you know something or someone

如果你声称自己知道某件事,或者知道其他“知情人士”,那么人们就会觉得谈话起来更自在。有一次,当我闯入一栋大楼时,我把手机上一位同事的名字改成了我们要闯入的那家公司的副总裁的名字。我让这位同事在车里等我,并通过大楼的前窗观察我与保安的互动。在某个时候,他会看到我打架,然后他给我发了以下短信:“你到底在哪里?我们已经等了十五分钟了。”

If you claim to know something or to know others “in the know,” you can make people feel more comfortable to talk. On one occasion when I was breaking into a building, I changed one of my colleague’s names on my phone to the name of the vice president of the company we were breaking into. I asked this colleague to wait for me in the car and watch my interaction with security through the building’s front windows. At a certain point, he would see me get into a tussle, and he was then to text me the following: “Where the hell are you? We’ve been waiting fifteen minutes.”

我在 Glassdoor 上研究了这家公司,知道这位副总裁名声很差。人们都对为她工作太残酷感到愤怒。知道这一点后,我大胆地拿着一大堆文件走进大厅。当我靠近安检处时,我没有放慢脚步,而是加快了脚步,看起来好像要冲过去一样。“哇,哇,”值班的警卫说。“停下。你不能就这样进来。”

From researching the company on Glassdoor, I knew that this vice president had a horrible reputation. People raged about how brutal it was to work for her. Knowing this, I walked boldly into the lobby carrying a big file of papers. Rather than slow down as I neared security, I quickened my pace, looking like I was going to blow right through it. “Whoa, whoa,” the guards on duty said. “Stop. You can’t just come in here like that.”

“真的吗?”我说。“你没看到我几分钟前刚走出去,去我的车上拿我的文件吗?”

“Really?” I said. “You didn’t see me walk out just a few minutes ago to go to my car and get my papers?”

“我不知道你在说什么,”其中一名警卫说道。

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” one of the guards said.

“听着,”我说,“我没时间。如果你在工作时睡着了,我很抱歉,但我几分钟后要开会,所以我只是出去拿这些文件而已。”

“Look,” I said, “I don’t have time. I’m sorry if you’re falling asleep on the job, but I have a meeting in a few minutes and I just walked out to get these papers.”

警卫摇摇头。“我需要看看你的警徽。”

The guard shook his head. “I need to see your badge.”

就在他这么说的时候,我收到了同事的短信——再次出现在我的手机上,就好像是副总裁发来的一样。

Just as he said that, the text from my colleague came in—again, showing up on my phone as if it came from the vice president.

“真的吗,”我说道,转过手机让他看清楚是谁给我发的短信。“你想让我按下拨号键告诉她我为什么不在那儿吗?”

“Really,” I said, turning the phone so that he could see who texted me. “You want me to hit dial so I can tell her why I’m not up there?”

他挥手示意我走开。“不用了,没事的。你表现得很好。”

He waved me off. “No, it’s okay. You’re good.”

在这种情况下,我在撒谎,让人觉得我知道一些我并不知道的事情(或者在这种情况下,是知道某人)。在日常生活中,你希望自己只说真话。撒谎不仅是不道德的,而且你可能会被人揭发,然后呢?还有一次,当我试图从一位物理学教授那里套出信息时,我借口说我喜欢他发表的一篇关于量子物理的论文来接近他。我对量子物理一无所知(现在也不知道)。当他问我喜欢那篇文章的哪些部分以及我对此有什么疑问时,我很难回答。他知道我撒谎了,很不高兴。“看完后再回来,”他说完就走开了。真是一次巨大的失败。

In this case, I was telling a lie, making it seem like I knew something (or in this case, someone) that I didn’t. In everyday life, you want to confine yourself to the truth. Not only is lying unethical but you might get called on it, and then what? On another occasion, when I was trying to elicit information from a physics professor, I approached him under the pretext of claiming to love a paper he had published on quantum physics. I knew nothing about quantum physics (still don’t). When he asked me what parts of the article I liked and what questions about it I had, I struggled to answer. He knew I’d lied and wasn’t happy. “Come back when you’ve read it,” he said, walking off. A big, fat failure.

4)假装怀疑

4) Feign incredulity

如果你表示不相信你感兴趣的人说的话,你很可能会促使他们为自己辩护,从而在这个过程中透露信息。这里要小心,因为你不想因为质疑他们的真实性而冒犯你感兴趣的人。如果你和某人聊天,他们告诉你他们刚写了一本小说,不要脱口而出,“我不相信你能写出那样的东西。”可以这样说:“哇,你写了一本书?真的吗?”第二种回答并不是说“我不相信你”,而是说“你所说的表面上令人惊讶,所以告诉我更多。”很多时候,他们会告诉你更多信息,不仅透露有关他们的小说或写作过程的细节,还包括你可能会感兴趣的他们生活的其他部分。

If you indicate you don’t believe something your person of interest has said, you will likely prompt them to defend themselves, revealing information in the process. Be careful here, since you don’t want to offend your person of interest by questioning their veracity. If you’re chatting with someone and they tell you they just wrote a novel, don’t blurt out, “I don’t believe you could do that.” Soften it by saying, “Wow, you wrote a book? Really?” This second response isn’t saying “I don’t believe you” but rather something like, “What you’re saying is surprising on its face, so tell me more.” Quite often, they will tell you more, revealing details not just about their novel or their writing process, but about other parts of their lives that you might find interesting.

5)引用报道的事实

5) Quote reported facts

我让整个餐厅的人都给我提供了他们的 PIN,方法是引用一个有趣的行为事实,促使他们想要通过透露自己的私人信息来“测试一下”。我们引用的统计数据是我们发现的真实数据点 — 而不是我们编造的。如果您要使用这种技巧,请事先了解情况,确定可能对对话有帮助的事实。一般来说,在开始对话之前,您收集的相关信息越多越好。如果您要参加有关特定主题的行业会议以树立公司形象,请阅读该主题,同时收集一些可能有助于您进行对话的有趣事实。

I got that whole restaurant of people to give me their PIN by quoting an intriguing fact about behavior, prompting them to want to “test it out” by revealing their private information. The statistic we quoted was a real data point we’d found—we didn’t make it up. If you’re going to use this technique, educate yourself beforehand, identifying facts that might prove helpful in a conversation. In general, the more relevant information you can amass before embarking on a conversation, the better. If you’re going to an industry conference on a particular topic to establish a presence for your company, read up on the topic while also collecting some interesting facts that might help you generate a conversation.

在杂货店与某人开始对话。在对话过程中,你的挑战是使用上述一种或多种工具来找出这个人出生的月份。如果你能在第一次接触这个人时用一句话做到这一点,那就加分了。如果你只选择尝试一种技巧,那就故意说假话。它的效果好得可怕!

Start a conversation with someone at the grocery store. Your challenge during the course of conversation is to use one or more of the above tools to find out the month in which this person was born. Bonus points if you can do this in one line when you first approach the person. If you only choose to try one technique, make a deliberate false statement. It’s scary how well it works!

当你练习这些技巧并取得一些早期成功时,你会开始对自己作为诱导者的能力更有信心。但不要太自大。我的学生总是失败,因为他们寻找仅仅因为他们觉得可以,他们就会向你提供超出他们预期的信息。你越贪婪,就越容易过度扩张。当你感兴趣的人意识到你逼迫他们提供信息时,他们会觉得自己被利用了,然后闭口不谈。他们也会因为见到你而感到更难过,这不是我们想要的。面部表情和肢体语言可以帮助你发现你部署的技巧何时不起作用。如有必要,请后退。不是每个人都会提供你想要的信息,也不是每次都会这样做。感兴趣的人可能心情不好或很匆忙,或者你提出的特定问题可能没有引起共鸣。

As you practice these techniques and notch some early successes, you’ll start to feel more confident in your abilities as an elicitor. But don’t get too cocky. My students fail all the time because they seek out information beyond what they’d intended simply because they feel they can. The greedier you are, the more prone you’ll be to overreaching. The moment your person of interest realizes you’re pressing them for information, they’ll feel used and clam up. They’ll also feel worse for having met you, which is not what we want. Facial expressions and body language can help you spot when techniques you’re deploying aren’t working. If necessary, back away. Not everyone will provide you with the information you seek, nor will they do it every time. A person of interest might be in a bad mood or in a hurry, or the particular question you posed might not have struck a chord.

最重要的是,尽你所能专注于对方,与他们平起平坐。这不仅包括你说了什么,还包括你怎么说。我不记得我在哪里发现了这个小装置,但我告诉我的学生要留意 RSVP——他们感兴趣的人说话的节奏、速度、音量和音调。一方面,这四个对话元素的变化表明你无法与你感兴趣的人建立联系,不信任感正在增加。另一方面,你可以模仿他们的 RSVP,这样通常会更好地建立联系。如果你遇到某人并试图模仿他们的口音,你可能会看起来像个骗子,或者给人留下你在嘲笑他们的印象。但你可以更接近他们的 RSVP——尤其是音量和速度——而不会冒犯他们。比如说,对来自大城市的人说话时,只要快一点、大声一点,就能让他们觉得谈话更自然。他们甚至没有意识到这一点,就会更愿意敞开心扉。

Above all, do what you can to stay focused on the other person and to meet them on their level. This goes beyond what you say to include how you say it. I can’t remember where I discovered this little device, but I tell my students to stay alert to the RSVP—the rhythm, speed, volume, and pitch with which their person of interest is speaking. On the one hand, changes in these four conversational elements suggest when you’re failing to connect with your person of interest and distrust is mounting. On the other, you can mirror their RSVP and generally connect better. If you meet someone and try to replicate their accent, you’ll probably look like a fraud or leave the impression that you’re mocking them. But you can move closer to their RSVP—volume and speed especially—without causing offense. Speaking just a bit more quickly and loudly, say, to someone from a big city can allow the conversation to feel more natural to them. Without even being aware of it, they’ll feel that much more inclined to open up.

通过黑客手段建立更深层次的联系

Hack Your Way to a Deeper Connection

人们称酒精为社交润滑剂——确实如此。但本章讨论的技巧也是如此。我们中的一些人天生就有“口才”。其他人则需要努力才能掌握。无论是大师还是新手,你, 可以掌握谈话技巧,并充分利用它。回报不仅仅是对谈话的更多控制,更多的信息,以及让更多人喜欢你的陪伴和觉得你和蔼可亲的能力。这是与人建立更深层次联系的机会,有时是出乎意料的,甚至是与完全陌生的人。

People call alcohol a social lubricant—and it is. But so are the techniques discussed in this chapter. Some of us are born with the “gift of gab.” Others of us have to work at it. Whether master or novice, you, too, can ace the art of conversation and deploy it to your advantage. The payback isn’t just more control over conversations, more information coming your way, and the ability to get more people to enjoy your company and find you affable. It’s the chance to connect more deeply with people, sometimes unexpectedly and even with total strangers.

还记得我在本章开头提到的练习吗?那个让一个陌生人告诉你一个他们从未告诉过任何人的秘密的练习。我的两个年轻学生——一男一女——在拉斯维加斯的一家酒店里进行了这个挑战(我们像往常一样在那座城市举行培训)。我的学生们在赌桌和老虎机之间穿梭时,遇到了一对六十多岁的夫妇,一对夫妻,并开始了交谈。两人很快就建立了某种融洽的关系,很快大家就开始谈论他们的生活、家庭,甚至一些他们珍视的信念。在这场愉快但相当平淡无奇的谈话进行了大约二十分钟后,男学生认为他们之间的融洽关系已经变得足够牢固,他可以问任何问题并得到认真的答复。于是,他提出了这个问题。 “今晚我四处走走,只是想认识一些陌生人并建立关系,”他说,“我发现做到这一点的最好方法之一就是提出一个非常深刻的问题,例如,‘告诉我一些你从未告诉过任何人的事情。’那么,你会说什么?”

Remember the exercise I mentioned at the beginning of the chapter, the one about asking a total stranger to tell you a secret they hadn’t told anyone before? Two young students of mine—a male and female—pursued this challenge at a Las Vegas hotel (we were holding a training in that city, as we often do). My students were circulating among the betting tables and slot machines when they met a couple in their sixties, a husband and wife, and initiated a conversation. The two quickly established some rapport, and soon the group were chatting about their lives, their families, even some of their dearly held beliefs. About twenty minutes into this pleasant but fairly unremarkable conversation, the male student decided that the rapport between them had grown sufficiently strong that he could ask just about anything and obtain a serious reply. So, he popped the question. “I’ve been walking around tonight just trying to meet some strangers and build relationships,” he said, “and I find that one of the best ways of doing that is to just throw out a really deep question like, ‘Tell me something you’ve never told anyone.’ So, what do you say?”

夫妻二人对视一眼,泪水夺眶而出,妻子也抽泣起来。

The husband and wife looked at one another and tears welled up in both of their eyes. The wife began to sob.

男同学心里非常难受——自己到底做了什么?

The male student felt terrible—what had he done?

丈夫看着他说道:“一年前,我们的儿子自杀了。这是糟糕的一年。两周前,我们彼此约定。我要杀了她,然后举枪自杀。”

The husband looked at him and said, “A year ago, our son committed suicide. It has been an awful, awful year. Two weeks ago, we made a pact with one another. I was going to kill her, and then turn the gun on myself.”

我的学生们都无言以对。

My students were speechless.

丈夫用袖子擦眼睛,妻子则挣扎着镇定下来。“我们计划好了一切,但在最后一刻,我们无法继续下去。这有什么意义呢?我们决定将自己的一生奉献给帮助其他与抑郁和自杀念头作斗争的年轻人。我们最后一次来到拉斯维加斯是为了玩得开心。然后我们将拿出我们一生的积蓄去完成我们的使命。”

The husband wiped his eyes with his sleeve while his wife struggled to compose herself. “We had everything planned, but at the last minute, we couldn’t go through with it. What was the point? We decided to devote our lives to helping other young people struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. We’re here in Vegas one last time to have fun. Then we’re going to take our entire life savings and pursue our mission.”

我的学生拥抱了这对夫妇,在接下来的半个小时里,他们继续一起说笑和哭泣。然后他们一起去吃饭,交换了电话号码。当我们的培训结束,学生们回家后,他们继续与这对夫妇保持联系。我不知道他们的关系是否进一步发展,他们是否仍然保持联系,但我知道,诱导技巧的应用带来了非常特殊的亲密时刻,并建立了有意义的关系。

My students gave this couple a hug and for the next half hour they continued to talk and laugh and cry together. Then they went to dinner together and exchanged numbers. When our training was over and the students went home, they continued to stay in touch with this couple. I don’t know if their relationship blossomed further and they’re still in touch, but I do know that the application of elicitation techniques led to a very special moment of intimacy and the forging of a meaningful relationship.

我的学生并不是简单地走到这对夫妇面前,让他们告诉他们一些他们从未告诉过别人的事情。他们通过建立融洽的关系“赢得”了提出这个问题的机会。他们以友好的方式接近这对夫妇,对他们的生活表现出一种无害的兴趣,倾听他们所说的话,提出深思熟虑的后续问题,并注意这对夫妇对谈话的反应,并相应地做出调整。这些学生有自己的计划,但追求它促使他们比他们原本可能更仔细地思考他们所说的内容和说话方式。诱导真的是一种超能力,如果合乎道德地运用它,你就不会控制别人,命令他们透露信息,而是建立真正的(尽管往往是短暂的)关系,这样他们就会自然而然地想要敞开心扉。你练习诱导和本书中描述的其他策略越多,你就越擅长它们。你所有的人际关系都会变得更好。

My students didn’t simply go up to this couple and ask them to tell them something they’d never told anyone else. They “earned” the chance to pose this question by building rapport. They approached the couple in a friendly way, showed an innocuous interest in their lives, listened to what they were saying, asked thoughtful follow-up questions, and paid attention to how this couple appeared to be reacting to the conversation moment by moment, adjusting accordingly. These students had an agenda of their own, but pursuing it prompted them to think far more carefully about what they were saying and how they were saying it than they otherwise might have. Elicitation really is a super power, one that when ethically applied allows you not to dominate people and command them to divulge information but to build real (if often short-lived) relationships, so that they’ll naturally want to open up. The more you practice elicitation and the other strategies described in this book, the better you get at them. All of your relationships shift for the better.

到目前为止,我们已经讨论过的主题——借口、融洽关系、诱导、和影响——都属于社会工程学积极的、亲社会的一面。虽然坏人会利用它们来造成伤害,但我们其他人也可以利用它们来帮助他人,同时实现自己的目标。但黑客工具箱里有一些工具在日常生活中应该是禁止使用的。这些工具非常强大,但使用它们不可能不造成伤害,在某些情况下,伤害还相当严重。我说的是操纵的黑暗艺术。如果你曾被强迫交出金钱或其他贵重物品,你就会知道操纵有多么伤人。在下一章中我将教你如何操纵,不是为了让你利用它来为自己谋利,而是为了让你警惕骗子、骗子、间谍和其他坏人。世界上有很多狡猾的人。最好的保护就是知道他们是如何运作的。

The topics we’ve covered so far—pretexting, rapport, elicitation, and influence—all belong to the positive, pro-social side of social engineering. Although bad guys use them to cause harm, the rest of us can deploy them to help others while also pursuing our own goals. But there are tools in the hacker’s toolbox that should remain off-limits in everyday life. These tools are extraordinarily powerful but it’s impossible to use them without causing harm that in some cases is quite severe. I’m speaking of the dark arts of manipulation. If you’ve ever been strong-armed into parting with your money or something else of value, you know how hurtful manipulation can be. In the next chapter, I’ll teach you how manipulation works, not so you can deploy it to your advantage but so you can be on the alert against conmen, crooks, spies, and other bad guys. There are devious people out there in the world. The best protection is to know how they operate.

第 6 章

制止邪恶行为

Chapter 6

Stop Deviousness in Its Tracks

了解并认清潜在操纵者的伎俩,保护自己免遭其侵害。

Protect yourself against would-be manipulators by understanding and recognizing their tricks.

许多人认为黑客攻击人类就是“操纵”他人。我对此持不同意见。当你使用前几章介绍的技术施加影响时,人们会想要遵从你的意愿——他们很乐意帮助你。操纵则不同——而且更加黑暗。当你操纵他人时,你会狡猾地欺骗甚至强迫他人违背自己的意愿,通常会在此过程中造成相当大的伤害。我的团队很少使用操纵技术,我敦促你完全避免使用它们。然而,你必须了解它们,这样你才能保护自己免受邪恶的潜在操纵者的侵害。

Many people think of hacking humans as “manipulating” people. I beg to differ. When you exert influence using techniques presented in the past several chapters, people want to comply with your wishes—they’re happy to help you out. Manipulation is different—and much darker. When you manipulate people, you deviously trick or even force people to comply against their wishes, often causing considerable harm in the process. My team rarely uses manipulation techniques, and I urge you to avoid them entirely. You do have to know about them, however, so that you can protect yourself from nefarious, would-be manipulators.

几年前,在我被大学开除之后,但在成为一名厨师之前,我利用我的人类黑客技能找到了一份工作,向主要由农民组成的客户群销售残疾保险。我对农业和农村生活的了解不亚于下一个二十岁的冲浪者来自佛罗里达西海岸。我对保险知之甚少。但公司给了我一个机会,指派我们当地办事处的顶级销售员来教我如何向苦苦挣扎的小农户销售伤残保险。

Years ago, after I was booted out of college but before I became a chef, I used my human hacker skills to get a job selling disability insurance to a customer base composed primarily of farmers. I knew as much about farming and rural life as the next twenty-year-old surfer dude from Florida’s west coast. I knew even less about insurance. But the company took a chance on me, assigning our local office’s top salesman to school me in the art and science of selling disability policies to small, struggling farmers.

那真是一次教育。我称他为格雷格的顶级销售员厚颜无耻地撒谎,让农民购买比他们实际需要的贵得多的保险。在一次典型的销售电话中,格雷格可能会遇到一位农民,考虑到他的农场的价值和他从农场获得的收入水平,他需要 175,000 美元的伤残保险,以防他在工作中受伤。格雷格会说服这位农民购买价值 100 万美元的保险,每月保费要高得多,因为他描绘了一幅可怕的画面,如果农民在没有这种保险的情况下受伤,会发生什么。“你的家人将失去你的农场,”格雷格说,轻描淡写地计算出一些数字。“你会一贫如洗。你的孩子都不会上大学。你的生活将被毁掉。”

What an education that was. The top salesman, whom I’ll call Gregg, lied shamelessly to get farmers to buy much pricier insurance than they actually needed. During a typical sales call, Gregg might have encountered a farmer who, given the value of his farm and the level of income he derived from it, needed $175,000 in disability insurance in case he was injured on the job. Gregg would convince that farmer to buy $1 million worth of coverage, at a much higher monthly premium, by painting a horrifying picture of what would happen if the farmer ever got injured without that kind of coverage. “Your family will lose your farm,” Gregg said, breezing through some numbers he’d come up with. “You’ll be destitute. None of your kids would go to college. Your life will be ruined.”

为了让这种说法更可信,格雷格会编造一个据说是真实故事的故事,故事的主角是邻县的一位农民,他的双腿被一台机器撞断,导致全家陷入贫困。这位农民的妻子现在在沃尔玛工作,每小时工资为 6 美元。他的孩子们辍学了,有的长时间从事吃力不讨好的工作,有的成了冰毒瘾君子。这位农民被迫向年迈的父母借钱来支付每月的开支。全家甚至买不起医疗保险。这一切都是因为这位农民投保的保险金额只有几万甚至十万美元,而不是 100 万美元。如果顾客要求核实这个故事,格雷格会以客户保密为由拒绝承认。“我相信你八九个月前在报纸上读到过这个消息,”他会说,大多数顾客都会点头表示同意。

To lend credence to this scenario, Gregg would invent a supposedly real-life story about a farmer in a neighboring county whose family was now destitute after he’d lost his legs to a piece of machinery. The farmer’s wife was now working at Walmart for six dollars an hour. His kids had dropped out of school; some were working long hours at thankless jobs, others were meth addicts. The farmer was forced to borrow money from his elderly parents just to pay monthly expenses. The family couldn’t even afford health insurance. All because the farmer had signed up for tens of thousands or perhaps a hundred thousand dollars of coverage as opposed to $1 million. If the customer asked to verify the story, Gregg demurred, invoking client confidentiality. “I’m sure you read about it in the paper eight or nine months ago,” he’d say, prompting most customers to nod their heads in agreement.

正如我们所见,施加影响需要诱导他人与你的想法相似,这样他们就会顺从你的意愿并符合他们的最佳利益。相比之下,操纵则涉及利用人们的情绪来强迫他们服从,而不管这会对他人产生什么影响。正如格雷格教给我的以及我无数次看到的那样,操纵既容易又非常有效(尽管它并不总是彻头彻尾的欺诈,就像格雷格的行为一样)。当我们体验到恐惧、痛苦、欲望或其他强烈的感觉时,我们的理性能力就会短路,那个小小的、核桃大小的灰质块,也就是我们的杏仁核,就会接管一切——丹尼尔·戈尔曼称之为“情绪劫持”。1格雷格掌握了这种动态,并毫不掩饰地运用它,随意触发情绪劫持反应。他的目标进入“战斗或逃跑”模式,做出快速、不合理的决定。虽然有少数客户设法摆脱了这个陷阱,问了一些关键问题并把格雷格赶走了,但大多数人都完全按照格雷格的建议去做了。他卖出了一笔好价钱。他们收到了一张沉重的每月保险费账单。

As we’ve seen, exerting influence entails inducing others to think similarly to you so that compliance with your wishes becomes their idea and in their best interest. Manipulation, by contrast, involves preying on people’s emotions to compel compliance, regardless of how it affects the other person. As Gregg taught me and as I’ve seen countless times since, manipulation is both easy and frighteningly effective (although it isn’t always outright fraudulent, as in the case of Gregg’s behavior). When we experience fear, pain, lust, or other strong feelings, our rational faculties short-circuit and that tiny, walnut-sized chunk of gray matter known as our amygdala takes over—what Daniel Goleman has called “emotional hijack.”1 Gregg mastered this dynamic and applied it shamelessly, triggering an emotional hijacking response at will. His targets went into “fight or flight” mode, making quick, unreasoned decisions. Although a few customers managed to extricate themselves from this trap, asking critical questions and showing Gregg the door, most did exactly as Gregg advised. He notched the sale. They got an onerous monthly insurance bill.

像格雷格这样的操纵者无处不在。虽然我想大多数销售人员、政客、律师、记者和宗教人士的行为都是合乎道德的,但不难发现那些煽动我们的恐惧、仇恨、欲望等来达到目的的人。操纵在企业界也很普遍,从拉斯维加斯赌场禁止时钟和切断自然光,让我们在二十一点赌桌上迷失自我,2到商店散发诱人的气味,让我们流连忘返并购买更多,3到数十亿美元的广告,通过利用我们的情绪,促使我们购买我们不需要的产品和服务。更不用说外面的犯罪操纵者了——无数未经请求的电话、电子邮件和短信,威胁你采取各种可怕的法律行动,如果你不提供某些信息、支付费用或采取其他行动,你就会失去工作或其他灾难性的后果。除了每年带来数万亿美元的不义之财外,操纵性骗局还会给受害者造成严重的情感伤害。在一个可怕的案例中,一名男子成为勒索软件黑客攻击的受害者通知他下载色情内容被抓,需要支付超过 20,000 美元的罚款。由于无法支付如此巨额的罚款,他变得非常沮丧,以至于自杀并杀死了他四岁的儿子。4

Manipulators like Gregg are everywhere. Although I’d like to think that most salespeople, politicians, attorneys, journalists, and religious figures behave ethically, it’s not hard to find those who fire up our fears, hatreds, lusts, and so on to achieve their goals. Manipulation is also endemic in the corporate world, from Las Vegas casinos that ban clocks and cut off natural light so we’ll lose ourselves at the blackjack table,2 to stores that pump out seductive odors so that we’ll linger and buy more,3 to the billions of dollars in advertising that impel us to buy products and services we don’t need by preying on our emotions. This is to say nothing of the criminal manipulators out there—the countless unsolicited phone calls, emails, and texts that threaten you with various kinds of scary legal action, the loss of your job, or some other disastrous outcome if you don’t provide certain information, pay a fee, or take other action. In addition to generating trillions each year in ill-gotten gains, manipulative scams inflict severe emotional damage on victims. In one horrific case, a man fell prey to a ransomware hack that informed him he had been caught downloading porn and needed to pay over $20,000 in fines. Unable to afford such a large fine, he became so distraught that he committed suicide and killed his four-year-old son.4

作为一名社会工程师,我经常使用操纵手段入侵 IT 系统和建筑物,但仅限于客户要求且在他们设定的参数范围内。虽然这些手段通常不会让我们的目标因为遇到我而得到更好的结果,但它们造成的轻微情绪压力却具有重要意义:帮助公司保护自己免受犯罪黑客的侵害。在本章中,我将通过描述黑客和其他人用来获得他们想要的东西的主要心理操纵形式来帮助您保护自己并保持安全,这些操纵通常是犯罪行为,而且是以牺牲您的利益为代价。

As a social engineer, I use manipulation all the time to hack into IT systems and buildings, but only at our clients’ request and within parameters that they set. Although these efforts often don’t leave our targets better off for having met me, the minor emotional stress they cause serves an important purpose: helping companies protect themselves from criminal hackers. In this chapter, I’ll help you protect yourself and stay safe by describing the key forms of psychological manipulation hackers and others use to get what they want, often criminally and at your expense.

停止操纵

Stop Manipulating

了解操纵技巧还有一个原因:这样你就可以防止自己无意中运用它们。不只是那些不择手段的个人和公司会使用黑暗手段来得到他们想要的东西。我们所有人都会时不时地这样做,通常是以微小或微妙的方式,并没有多想。我是一个相当胖的人,当我坐飞机时,坐在靠窗的位置,旁边的中间座位上挤着一个人,这真是一件痛苦的事。如果我是第一批登机的人之一,而且是非预留座位,我会焦虑地注视着陆续进来的乘客,祈祷没有其他人坐在我旁边。我不愿意承认这一点,但有时我做的不仅仅是祈祷。我会把我的夹克或其他个人物品放在座位上,让它看起来像是被人拿走了。我把腿和胳膊稍微张开,暗示任何胆敢坐在我旁边的人都不会享受到自己的私人空间。我还戴上耳机,假装在听音乐,这样乘客就不太会问我座位是否有人了。

There’s another reason to understand manipulation techniques: so that you can stop yourself from inadvertently applying them. It isn’t just unscrupulous individuals and companies who deploy the dark arts to get what they want. All of us do it from time to time, often in small or subtle ways and without thinking much of it. I’m a pretty big dude, and when I fly, it’s a pain sitting by the window and having someone scrunched next to me in the middle seat. If I’m one of the first to board and its unreserved seating, I keep an anxious eye on the passengers filtering in, praying nobody else sits next to me. I hate to admit this, but I’ve sometimes done more than pray. I’ve put my jacket or another personal belonging in the seat, making it seem like it’s taken. I’ve done a little manspreading of my legs and arms, suggesting that anyone with the temerity to sit next to me will enjoy no personal space of their own. And I’ve donned headphones, pretending to listen to music so that passengers will be less inclined to ask me if the seat is taken.

如果我要施加影响,让其他乘客坐到别处,我会与他们进行礼貌的交谈,并友好地请他们坐在别处。但在这种情况下,我会通过引发不愉快的情绪,以虚假的借口强迫他们做出决定:害怕“违反规则”或如果确实有人已经占了那个座位,会显得粗鲁;或者不喜欢坐在一个看起来冷漠、不尊重他人个人空间的大个子、满头大汗的人旁边。我的操纵是自私的、不体贴的、不尊重的。虽然它没有造成严重伤害,但确实让我的其他乘客的日子变得有点难熬。

If I were deploying influence to get my fellow passengers to sit elsewhere, I would have engaged them in polite conversation and asked them kindly to sit elsewhere. But on these occasions, I forced them to make a decision on false pretenses by triggering unpleasant emotions: fear of “breaking the rules” or appearing rude if someone has indeed already claimed that seat; or distaste at sitting next to a big, sweaty guy who is seemingly aloof and disrespectful of others’ personal space. My manipulation was selfish, inconsiderate, and disrespectful. Although it didn’t cause grievous harm, it did serve to make my fellow passengers’ days just a little bit harder.

当陌生人为了空间或其他稀缺商品而相互竞争时,这种行为很常见。但我们在与朋友、亲戚和生活中其他重要的人打交道时,也会采取一些小手段操纵。当你希望你的伴侣表现出某种行为时,你总是以直截了当、友善的方式对待他们吗?还是你有时会通过激起他们的情绪来强迫他们这样做,暗示如果他们按照你的意愿行事会多么可怕,如果他们按照你的意愿行事会多么美好?

Behavior like this is common in situations when strangers are competing with one another for space or some other scarce commodity. But we also resort to manipulation in small ways when dealing with friends, relatives, and other important people in our lives. When you want your partner to behave in a certain way, do you always approach them in a straightforward and kind manner? Or do you sometimes push them into it by arousing their emotions, suggesting how frightening it might be if they don’t behave as you wish, and how wonderful it would be if they do?

一天下午,我真的很想吃牛排当晚餐,而我妻子正处于“禁肉”状态。当我们一起开车去某个地方时,我向她植入了美味肉类菜肴的画面。“你闻到昨晚烧烤的味道了吗?天哪,闻起来真香!”我滔滔不绝地谈论烧烤,并提醒她我们最喜欢的一些烤肉。后来,我随意地问她晚餐想吃什么。“我不知道,”她说,“但我很想吃牛排。”那天晚上我们确实吃了牛排当晚餐——我操纵她放弃了吃素的愿望。她没有遭受负面后果,但如果情况不同(例如,如果她有心脏病,并按照医生的嘱咐避免食用动物蛋白),她可能会遭受负面影响。无论如何,我的行为很自私,利用了她情感脆弱地遵从我的意愿,完全不考虑她的需要或愿望。

One afternoon, I really felt like eating steak for dinner, and my wife was on a “no-meat” kick. While we were driving somewhere together, I planted images in her mind of delicious meat dishes. “Did you smell that barbecue last night? Man, it smelled amazing!” I talked on and on about grilling and reminded her of some of our favorite grilled meats. Later, I asked casually what she felt like having for dinner. “I don’t know,” she said, “but I’m craving a steak.” We did in fact eat steak for dinner that night—I had manipulated her into setting aside her desire to eat vegetarian. She didn’t suffer negative consequences, but if the situation were different (for instance, if she had heart problems and were avoiding animal protein on doctor’s orders), she might have. Either way, I was behaving selfishly, exploiting her emotional vulnerabilities to comply with my wishes, with no thought of her needs or desires.

如果你是父母,你可能会采取操纵手段来管教孩子。当孩子不按时睡觉、不做作业或不做家务时,我们可以和他们交谈,鼓励他们遵守规则。但当我们感到压力或疲惫时,很难做到这一点。因此,我们会提醒他们我们为他们所做的一切,让他们为未能满足我们简单的愿望而感到内疚。我们威胁说,如果他们不遵守,就会剥夺他们的特权,从而引起恐惧。我们用甜点作为贿赂,如果他们按照我们的意愿行事,我们就会给他们。所有这些标准的育儿技巧都是操纵的形式,不管它们看起来多么微不足道。我们没有用同情心引导他们,而是用武力强迫他们遵守规定。

If you’re a parent, you probably resort to manipulation to keep your kids in check. When our kids aren’t going to bed on time, doing their homework, or performing their chores, we could engage them in conversation, encouraging them to want to comply with the rules. But it’s hard to do that when we’re stressed or tired. So, we remind them of all that we do for them and make them feel guilty for failing to comply with our simple wishes. We threaten to take away privileges if they don’t comply, arousing fear. We bribe them with the prospect of dessert if they do as we wish. All of these standard parenting hacks are forms of manipulation, however trivial they might seem. Instead of leading with compassion, we strong-arm our way to compliance.

避免操纵可以改善你的人际关系。这需要更多的思考和努力,但通过选择在日常生活中施加影响而不是强加你的意志,你会变得更善良、更有同情心。你会更多地倾听,更好地理解他人,向他们提供更多他们想要和需要的东西,并培养融洽和信任。通过巧妙地削弱你的配偶在共同决策时行使自由意志的能力,你与她建立了多少融洽和信任?通过承诺孩子们做作业后给他们糖果,你与孩子们建立了多少融洽和信任?我戴上耳机大张着大嘴,当然没有做任何与我的旅伴建立关系的事情。如果我向他们解释我的情况,并友好地请他们坐在其他地方,我会给他们机会表现出善意,也让我有机会感受到并表达感激之情。

Avoiding manipulation can improve your relationships. It takes more thought and effort, but by choosing to exercise influence in your daily life instead of imposing your will, you’ll become kinder and more compassionate. You’ll listen more, understand others better, deliver to them more of what they want and need, and cultivate rapport and trust. How much rapport and trust do you build with your spouse by subtly eroding her ability to exercise free will when making joint decisions? How much do you build with your kids by promising them candy if they do their homework? I certainly wasn’t doing anything to build a relationship with my fellow travelers by donning my headphones and manspreading. If I had instead explained my situation and kindly asked them to sit elsewhere, I would have given them the opportunity to perform an act of kindness and me the opportunity to feel and express gratitude.

心理学家 J. Stuart Ablon在他的著作《Changeable》中描述了一种名为“协作问题解决”(CPS)的人际关系方法,在这种方法中,父母、老师和其他有权势的人不会仅仅因为他们可以而强迫别人服从,而是与他们进行富有同理心的对话,以达成合作解决方案。正如阿布隆所说,学校、精神病院和少年监狱在放弃传统纪律并采用 CPS 后,行为得到了显著改善。在一家儿童精神病院,工作人员经常被迫因为行为不当而对孩子进行身体约束——一年内,他们这样做了 263 次。在引入 CPS 一年后,他们只这样做了七次。本书中描述的影响技术与 CPS 不同,后者是一种非常具体、结构化的方法。但 CPS 的成功表明,我们不需要强迫权力较小的人按照我们的意愿行事,无论是通过操纵技巧还是通过纪律手段。还有其他选择可以让我们尊重他人,与他们建立牢固、信任、富有同理心的关系。5

In his book Changeable, the psychologist J. Stuart Ablon describes an approach to relationships called Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS), in which parents, teachers, and others in positions of power don’t force others to comply simply because they can, but instead are “nicer,” engaging in an empathetic conversation with them to arrive at a collaborative solution. As Ablon relates, schools, mental hospitals, and juvenile prisons have seen dramatic improvements in behavior after setting aside traditional discipline and employing CPS. At one psychiatric setting for kids, staff were often forced to physically restrain kids because of poor behavior—in one year, they did so 263 times. A year after introducing CPS, they did so only seven times. The influence techniques described in this book are not the same as CPS, which is a very specific, structured approach. But the success of CPS shows that we need not compel others with less power to behave as we like, whether by manipulation techniques or through disciplinary means. Other options exist that allow us to treat people with respect and build strong, trusting, empathetic relationships with them.5

虽然操纵技巧在社会工程学中非常有效,但影响技巧也是如此。在许多情况下,它们往往比直接操纵更有效。还记得培训我的那个撒谎的保险推销员 Gregg 吗?当我开始和他一起工作时,他是公司全球排名第一的销售员。在我任职该公司的一年期间,我超越了他,在整整六个月内取得了最高排名。虽然我从 Gregg 那里学到了很多东西,但我很早就决定采取道德的方式。我诚实地与客户谈论他们的保险需求,并讲述其他购买保险单并向我们提出索赔的当地农民的真实、可验证的故事。我卖出的保单通常比 Gregg 的要小,但我卖出的保单更多。最重要的是,我可以晚上睡觉,因为我知道我正在帮助满足人们的真正需求并改善他们的生活。

Although manipulation techniques are quite powerful in social engineering, so, too, are influence techniques. In many situations, they’re often more effective than outright manipulation. Remember Gregg, the lying insurance salesman who trained me? When I started working with him, he was the company’s top-ranked salesperson globally. During my year tenure at the company, I dethroned him, achieving the highest ranking for a full six months. Although I learned a lot from Gregg, I decided early on to adopt an ethical approach. I spoke honestly with customers about their insurance needs and told truthful, verifiable stories about other local farmers who had purchased policies and filed claims with us. The policies I sold were often smaller than Gregg’s, but I sold many more of them. Best of all, I could sleep at night knowing I was helping to fulfill a real need for people and improve their lives.

我当然可以想象在生死攸关的极端情况下,操纵人们以迫使他们迅速采取期望的行动可能是必要的。如果我处于人质危机中,需要攻击者放下武器,我会毫不犹豫地激起通过描述特警队的神枪手及其致命的准确性,他内心充满了强烈的恐惧。但除此之外,你最好同时追求自己的目标和他人的福祉,同时对那些可能试图使用操纵技巧对付你的人保持警惕。

I can certainly imagine extreme, life-or-death situations where it might prove necessary to manipulate people to compel them quickly to take a desired action. If I were in a hostage situation and I needed the attacker to drop his weapon, I would have few scruples about arousing intense fear in him by describing the SWAT team marksmen and their deadly accuracy. But short of that, you’re so much better off pursuing your own goals and the welfare of others concurrently, while also staying alert to others who might try to use manipulation techniques against you.

易感性原理

The Susceptibility Principle

你可能认为自己很擅长识别潜在的操纵者。你每天都会在手机和电子邮件收件箱中遇到诈骗,而你一眼就能看穿。你知道的足以让你对广告和狡猾的销售人员保持怀疑态度。没有什么能逃过你的法眼!啊,但它可以。操纵的普遍性会让我们自满,从而更容易受到攻击。我们不会想到要回应一个机器人语音信息,它用断断续续的英语警告我们,如果我们不拨打某个号码并支付高昂的费用,我们就会因为某种模糊的原因入狱。但骗子们总是在升级他们的伎俩,用越来越精妙和可信的计划让我们大吃一惊。

You might think you’re pretty good at spotting would-be manipulators. You encounter scams every day on your phone and in your email inbox, and you see right through them. You know enough to take a cynical eye toward advertising and shifty salespeople. Nothing can get by you! Ah, but it can. The sheer pervasiveness of manipulation can make us complacent and hence more vulnerable. We wouldn’t think of responding to a robotized voice message warning us in halting English that we’ll go to jail for some vague reason if we don’t call a certain number and pay an exorbitant fee. But scammers are always upping their game, surprising us with schemes that are increasingly well wrought and believable.

2019 年,英国巴克莱银行警告了一起诈骗案,犯罪分子在网上声称自己拥有一栋漂亮的度假别墅可供出租。犯罪分子以大幅折扣的价格出售这些房产,引诱毫无戒心的度假者。他们使用从其他网站窃取的真实图片,并贴上英国旅行社专业协会的标志。受害者被这笔看似真实的惊人交易所吸引,不假思索地花钱预订了这处房产,损失了数千美元。巴克莱银行对两千名消费者进行了调查,发现他们非常容易上当,大多数人承认,即使房产看起来“好得令人难以置信”,他们也会预订。6

In 2019, the British bank Barclays warned of a scam in which criminals online purported to own a beautiful vacation villa available for rent. The criminals lured unsuspecting vacationers by offering the properties at a steeply discounted rate. They used real pictures stolen from other sites and sported a logo from the United Kingdom’s professional association of travel agents. Dazzled by the prospect of an amazing and seemingly genuine deal, victims unthinkingly forked over money to reserve the property, losing thousands of dollars. Surveying two thousand consumers, Barclays found them to be shockingly vulnerable, with a majority admitting that they would book a property even if it seemed “too good to be true.”6

另一种越来越常见的骗局是,犯罪分子打电话给人们,声称绑架了家庭成员,要求立即支付赎金。他们使用欺骗技术,使电话看起来像是从亲人的手机打来的。7美国联邦调查局表示,“与传统绑架不同,虚拟绑架者实际上并没有绑架任何人。相反,他们通过欺骗和威胁,强迫受害者在计划失败前支付赎金。” 8如果你不知道这些骗局,但有人打电话给你,声称如果你不在一小时内支付 2,000 美元,他们就会杀死你的女儿,如果这个电话似乎是从她的智能手机打来的,你可能会感到害怕,甚至可能支付赎金。

In another increasingly common scam, criminals call people and claim to have kidnapped a family member, demanding immediate payment of a ransom. They use spoofing technology that allows them to make it seem that the call is coming from the loved one’s phone.7 “Unlike traditional abductions,” the FBI has said, “virtual kidnappers have not actually kidnapped anyone. Instead, through deceptions and threats, they coerce victims to pay a quick ransom before the scheme falls apart.”8 If you didn’t know about these scams, but someone called you up and claimed they would kill your daughter if you didn’t pay them $2,000 in one hour, and if that call seemed to come from her smartphone, you’d probably be terrified and perhaps even pay the ransom.

除非您从事安全行业或执法工作,否则您不会熟悉每一种新出现的骗局。但通过更深入地了解骗子如何操纵人们(无论他们使用何种具体手段),您仍然可以降低成为受害者的可能性。

Unless you’re in the security business or law enforcement, you won’t be familiar with every new scam that pops up. But you can still reduce your chances of becoming a victim by understanding more deeply how scammers manipulate people regardless of their specific scheme.

犯罪分子利用操纵手段诱发压力、焦虑或不适,从而让受害者做出违背其最佳利益的决定。在我的教学中,我将此称为易感性 原则。前面描述的导致一名男子和一名儿童死亡的勒索软件攻击就运用了这一原则。许多威胁不服从将导致某种可怕后果的骗局也是如此。在一个针对老年人的特别常见的骗局中,自称来自美国国税局的黑客会打电话声称您的社会安全号码已被禁用,在重新启用之前您将不会收到任何进一步的支票。当然,这需要支付费用。这些骗子很老练。他们会使用从暗网上购买的个人资料,称呼受害者的姓名并确认他们的地址和其他个人信息。受害者会听到背景噪音,好像骗子是从繁忙的政府办公室打来的,电话来自一个虚假的华盛顿特区电话号码。接到此类电话的老年人可能会非常害怕,以至于他们会支付费用,因为他们的每月开支都依赖于社会保障金。

Criminals use manipulation to induce stress, anxiety, or discomfort so that the victims will make decisions that contravene their best interests. In my teaching, I call this the susceptibility principle. The ransomware hack described earlier that resulted in a man and child’s death deployed this principle. So too do any number of scams that threaten some kind of awful consequence for incompliance. In one especially common scam targeted at the elderly, hackers purporting to be from the Internal Revenue Service call claiming that your Social Security number has been disabled and you won’t be receiving any further checks until it’s reenabled. That, of course, requires payment of a fee. These scammers are sophisticated. They’ll address victims by name and confirm their address and other personal information, using profiles they bought off the dark web. Their victims will hear background noises, as if the scammer is calling from a busy government office, and the call will come from a spoofed, Washington, D.C., area phone number. An elderly person receiving such a call might be so terrified that they’ll pay the fee, dependent as they are on their Social Security check for their monthly expenses.

花半个小时观看商业广告。分析他们如何利用操纵手段来达到目的。

Spend a half hour watching commercials. Analyze how they use manipulative tactics to obtain their objectives.

易感性还可以通过更积极的情绪发挥作用,例如上文所述的度假租赁骗局,或父母试图贿赂孩子做作业,或所有那些声称你中奖并且只需点击此链接即可领取的电子邮件、短信和电话。另一个例子是经典的“蜜罐”技术,操纵者通过激起目标的欲望来实现一些自私的目的。电视广告采用这种方法,通过展示有吸引力的播音员并让他们穿着暴露的衣服来操纵观众购买。我们都听过“性感销售”这句格言——兜售快餐、美容产品、酒精和低俗娱乐的公司经常展示性感的画面,希望吸引观众。9 对于销售人们冲动购买且风险不大的产品的公司来说,这种宣传似乎很有效。研究发现,对于更复杂和更昂贵的产品,性感广告实际上效果不佳。在#MeToo时代,挑逗性广告可能也对快餐等产品类别失去了效力,而这些产品类别过去曾为企业提供服务。10

Susceptibility can also work via more positive emotions, as in the vacation rental scam described above, or in the attempts of parents to bribe kids to do their homework, or in all those emails, texts, and phone calls that claim you won a prize and just need to click on this link in order to claim it. Another example is the classic “honeypot” technique, in which a manipulator arouses lust in their target to achieve some selfish objective. Television advertising deploys this approach, manipulating viewers to buy by featuring attractive announcers and dressing them in revealing ways. We’ve all heard the adage that “sex sells”—companies peddling fast food, beauty products, alcohol, and lowbrow entertainment routinely feature sexually provocative imagery, hoping to entice viewers.9 Such pitches seem effective for companies selling products that people buy on impulse and that don’t carry much risk. For products that are more complex and expensive, research has found that sexually provocative advertising actually doesn’t work as well. In our era of #MeToo, provocative ads might also be losing their effectiveness for product categories like fast food, where they had formerly delivered for companies.10

有些广告在宣传过程中会激起积极和消极的情绪。你正在看电视,然后一则广告描绘了一只饥饿的狗躺在肮脏的泥泞中。一些悲伤的音乐响起,你听到“你能不能每天捐出几便士去帮助这样的动物?”然后你听到欢快的音乐,看到健康、活泼的狗狗照片,这些狗狗都是该组织在像你这样的人的慷慨捐赠下拯救下来的。你感到一种难以置信的冲动,想要帮助那只垂死的狗狗,让它恢复健康,于是你拨打屏幕上的号码捐款。但就像性一样,对于渴望真实性和现实世界影响的精明观众来说,这种策略现在不那么有效了。11一些专家称,以创造力、幽默感和强调结果为主导——也就是说,利用影响力建设技巧而不是情感操纵——更能为重要的慈善事业创造同情。12

Some advertising arouses both positive and negative emotions in the course of delivering their pitch. You’re watching television, and an ad comes on that depicts a starving dog lying in filth. Some sad music comes on and you hear, “Won’t you please give just a few pennies a day to help animals like this?” Then you hear happy music and see pictures of healthy, playful dogs that the organization has saved thanks to generous donations from people like you. Feeling this incredible urge to help that dying dog and transform it into that wonderfully healthy dog, you call the number on your screen and donate. But like sex, this tactic is now proving less effective for a savvy viewership craving authenticity and real-world impact.11 According to some experts, leading with creativity, humor, and emphasizing results—that is, drawing on influence-building techniques instead of emotional manipulation—does more to create sympathy for important charitable causes.12

导致易感性的四种途径

Four Pathways to Susceptibility

熟练的操纵者通过利用人类心理的各个方面来增加成功的几率。以下是我经常遇到的四种通往易感性原则的途径,你应该在日常生活中时刻注意:

Deft manipulators increase their odds of success by playing on various aspects of human psychology. Here are four pathways to the susceptibility principle that I encounter all the time and that you should remain mindful of in everyday life:

途径一:环境控制

Pathway #1: Environmental Control

研究人员发现,物质环境对我们有着强大的影响。哈佛大学心理学家艾伦·兰格被称为“积极心理学之母”,是这方面的领军人物。13 1981年,她进行了一项开创性的、史无前例的实验,测试细菌和基因是否是衰老过程的唯一原因,还是其他心理因素也会产生影响。那一年,当时还是一名年轻学者的兰格在新罕布什尔州召集了八位 70 多岁的老人。进入一座改建的修道院后,这些老人不仅饱受老年常见的疼痛,还被送回了 20 多年前的 1959 年,那时他们年轻而充满活力。他们的衣服、娱乐选择、时事讨论和家居摆设都反映出他们上世纪中期的青春气息。他们用现在时谈论这些历史话题,甚至被当作年轻人对待,进门后被命令独自将行李搬上楼梯。

As researchers have shown, our physical environments exercise a powerful hold on us. The Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer, dubbed the mother of positive psychology, was in the forefront of such academic scholarship.13 In 1981, she conducted a pathbreaking and unprecedented experiment, testing whether germs and genes alone accounted for the aging process, or whether other psychological factors could also exercise an impact. That year, Langer, a young scholar at the time, gathered eight septuagenarians in New Hampshire. Upon entering a converted monastery, these men, suffering the usual aches and pains of advanced age, were transported to the year 1959—more than two decades prior, when they were young and vital. Their clothing, entertainment choices, discussion of current events, and home furnishings all reflected their midcentury youth. They spoke about these historical topics using the present tense and were even treated like younger men, ordered to march their belongings up the stairs by themselves after entering the premises.

仅仅五天后,这些人的生物标志物就得到了显著改善,甚至可以说是奇迹。从他们的姿势到视力,再到他们即兴决定扔掉拐杖,在触式橄榄球比赛中相互竞争,一切都发生了变化!不幸的是,这个现在已成为经典的实验,后来被称为“逆时针研究”,成本太高,难以复制,而且超前,无法在学术界和公众意识中产生太大影响。直到几十年后,在 2010 年与英国广播公司合作后,当时已是众多研究的合著者和作者的兰格才因其对我们理解身心关系的杰出贡献而获得更广泛的认可。14

After only five days, these men’s biomarkers improved dramatically—miraculously even. Everything from their posture to their eyesight to their impromptu decision to ditch their canes and compete with one another in a touch football match! Unfortunately, this now classic experiment, thereafter known as the “counterclockwise study,” was too expensive, difficult to replicate, and ahead of its time to make much of an impact in academia and popular consciousness. It wasn’t until decades later, after a 2010 collaboration with the BBC, that Langer, by then the coauthor and author of numerous studies, gained broader recognition for her extraordinary contributions to our understanding of the mind/body relationship.14

如果兰格的研究表明了我们如何组织环境以造福自己和他人,那么黑客、骗子和其他人则修改环境以迫使目标执行他们的命令,这往往损害了他们自己的利益。在极端情况下,情报机构使用近乎酷刑的环境控制技术来迫使恐怖分子泄露信息。在 2001 年 9 月 11 日恐怖分子袭击美国后,乔治·W·布什政府帮助启动了强化审讯计划,对恐怖嫌疑人施加环境技术,例如持续不断的噪音、水刑、关押在狭小黑暗的“禁闭箱”中以及睡眠剥夺(通过使用束缚强迫身体扭曲成痛苦的姿势)。15这种待遇是有争议的——一些人坚持认为酷刑是野蛮和无效的,不会激励目标泄露敏感信息,而另一些人则坚持认为“酷刑有效”,当局应该恢复比强化审讯更严厉的技术16在情绪光谱的另一端,我们看到拉斯维加斯赌场部署的环境控制技术。这些地方不仅剥夺了顾客的时间感,老虎机发出的巨响和明亮的灯光也刺激着他们的感官,预示着他们赢钱后会体验到的兴奋。赌场提供的免费酒水和衣着暴露的女招待加剧了感官超负荷,进一步削弱了顾客的批判性思维能力,使他们倾向于赌博超过应有的程度。

If Langer’s research suggests how we might organize our environments to benefit ourselves and others, hackers, con men, and others modify environments to compel targets to do their bidding, often to their own detriment. At an extreme, intelligence agencies use environmental control techniques bordering on torture to compel terrorists to divulge information. After terrorists attacked the United States on September 11, 2001, the George W. Bush administration helped inaugurate the enhanced interrogation program, subjecting terror suspects to environmental techniques such as incessant noise, waterboarding, placement in small, dark “confinement boxes,” and sleep deprivation (via forced contortion of the body into painful positions using restraints).15 Such treatment is controversial—some insist torture is barbaric and ineffective, not inspiring targets to divulge sensitive information, while others insist that “torture works” and that authorities should revive even more punishing techniques than enhanced interrogation to combat terrorism.16 At the other end of the emotional spectrum, we have the environmental control techniques deployed at Las Vegas casinos. Not only do these places rob customers of their sense of time; the loud noises and bright lights from the slot machines assault their senses, prefiguring the excitement they’d experience by winning. Free-flowing alcohol provided by casinos and scantily clad hostesses intensify the sensory overload and further suspend customers’ critical-thinking capacity, leaving them inclined to gamble far more than they should.

操纵者试图强迫我们采取行动时,环境的社会层面往往占据突出地位。为什么入会者愿意接受淫秽而痛苦的欺凌仪式以加入兄弟会?是的,他们通常喝得酩酊大醉,但他们也处在一个社会压力巨大的环境中。想象一个房间里挤满了几十个同样行为不拘的吵闹兄弟。音乐很响,酒水横流,周围没有权威人物。其他入会者也屈服于欺凌,允许自己遭受殴打和身体虐待,这些虐待的方式太过粗暴,这里不便一一提及。含义很明显:如果你不像他们那样屈服,你既是失败者,也会被兄弟会淘汰。在这种情况下,个人入会者的理性能力被严重削弱,他几乎不可能不“随波逐流”。第二天醒来,当他病好了,新人可能会想,“我怎么可能做那样的事?”很简单。他的兄弟会成员利用他的社会背景来对付他,使他更容易被说服。

The social dimensions of our environments often figure prominently in attempts by manipulators to compel our actions. Why do pledges willingly submit to obscene and painful hazing rituals in order to join fraternities? Yes, they’re usually drunk off their rockers, but they’re also operating in an environment in which the social pressure to submit is overwhelming. Picture a room filled with dozens of other rowdy brothers who are also behaving in uninhibited ways. The music is loud, the alcohol is flowing, and no authority figures are around. Other pledges are submitting to hazing, allowing themselves to be beaten and physically abused in ways too gross to mention here. The implication is clear: if you don’t submit like they are, you’re both a loser and out of the frat. In such a circumstance, the individual pledge’s rational faculties are severely undercut, and it’s almost impossible for him not to “go with the flow.” Upon awakening the next day, when he’s done being sick, a pledge will likely be thinking, “How could I possibly have done that?” Simple. His fraternity brothers made him more susceptible to persuasion by using his social context against him.

途径二:强制重新评估

Pathway #2: Forced Reevaluation

导致易感性的另一条途径是所谓的强制重新评估,即通过让人们面对矛盾的事实,让他们怀疑自己所学的东西或他们认为自己知道的东西。你可能听说过煤气灯效应,即一个人促使感兴趣的人不仅怀疑某个事实或想法,而且怀疑自己的理智。这是极端的强制重新评估。矛盾的经历会带来巨大的不确定性:你以为世界以某种方式运转,但突然间你发现你的基本理解并不成立。这种不确定性反过来会导致焦虑甚至恐慌,从而促使你做出可能违背自己最佳利益的行为。

Another pathway to susceptibility is what is called forced reevaluation, the technique of making people doubt what they have been taught or what they think they know by confronting them with contradictory facts. You might have heard of gaslighting, in which a person prompts a person of interest to doubt not just a particular fact or idea, but their own sanity. That is forced reevaluation taken to an extreme. The experience of contradiction causes tremendous uncertainty: you thought the world worked in a certain way, and all of a sudden you discover that your basic understanding doesn’t hold. That uncertainty in turn leads to anxiety or even panic, which prompts you to behave in ways that might prove counter to your own best interest.

研究证实,对不确定未来的预期比对即将发生的坏事的认知更让我们感到压力。1994 年,一组加拿大学者开发了“不确定性不耐受量表”(IUS),表明无法应对不确定性代表着“认知脆弱性”,并与焦虑或饮食失调等负面结果有关。17但在2016年,学者们发表了一位记者所说的“迄今为止关于不确定性和压力之间关系的最复杂实验”的结果。18如果游戏体验变得更加逼真和“体验式”,许多游戏玩家都会喜欢。这就是体验式:研究人员要求参与者玩一款视频游戏,他们必须翻转一系列岩石。有时一条蛇会在这些岩石下面徘徊,当它出现时,研究人员会用强大的电击电击参与者。

Research has confirmed that the prospect of an uncertain future stresses us out even more than the knowledge of something bad looming ahead. In 1994, a group of Canadian scholars developed the Intolerance of Uncertainty Scale (IUS), demonstrating how an inability to cope with uncertainty represented a “cognitive vulnerability” and was associated with negative outcomes like anxiety or eating disorders.17 But in 2016, scholars published the results of what one journalist has called “the most sophisticated experiment ever conceived on the relationship between uncertainty and stress.”18 Many gamers out there would just love it if their gaming experience became more lifelike and “experiential.” How’s this for experiential: Researchers asked participants to play a video game in which they had to flip over a series of rocks. Sometimes a snake lingered underneath those rocks, and when it did, researchers jolted participants with a powerful electric shock.

研究人员追踪了风险的存在(或研究中所说的“不可约的不确定性”),并将其与志愿者自我报告的压力和生理指标(如瞳孔扩张和出汗)进行了比较。19猜对了:压力和不确定性呈正相关,当冲击的不确定性达到 50%(即尽可能接近完全不确定性)时,压力水平达到峰值。20事实证明,当我们无法预测事件的结果时,与多巴胺激活相关的大脑部分会处于高度警戒状态。21

Researchers tracked the presence of risk (or “irreducible uncertainty,” as it’s termed in the study), comparing it to the volunteers’ self-reports of stress and physiological indicators like pupil dilation and the presence of sweat.19 You guessed it: stress and uncertainty were positively correlated, with stress levels peaking when uncertainty of a shock reached 50 percent (that is, as close as possible to perfect uncertainty).20 It turns out that the part of the brain associated with dopamine activation goes on high alert when we can’t predict the outcome of an event.21

我们不需要统计学家和脑科学家来告诉我们不确定性会带来压力——我们都经历过。你在高中时有没有参加过一场没有充分准备的艰难考试?当你确定自己得了 D- 时,你可能会停止担心(或至少不那么担心),而是专注于处理这种情况(比如通过寻求额外帮助,或者想办法把这个消息告诉你的父母)。但在你得知成绩之前,你会感觉更焦虑不安,在脑海里演练各种场景:你得意洋洋地坐在餐桌前,告诉你的父母你考了 B+,或者你垂头丧气地宣布你没能通过,让他们失望。22

We don’t need statisticians and brain scientists to tell us that uncertainty is stressful—we’ve all experienced it. Did you ever take a tough exam in high school without preparing very well for it? When you know with certainty that you got a D−, you’ll probably stop worrying (or at least worry less) and instead focus on managing the situation (by getting extra help, say, or thinking of a way to break the news to your parents). But before you find out your grade, you’ll feel more anxious, rehearsing in your mind scenarios in which you sit down triumphantly at the dinner table and tell your parents you managed a B+, or in which you slump down and incur their disappointment by announcing that you failed.22

当一个熟练的操纵者促使你质疑你之前坚定的信念(被迫重新评估)时,由此产生的不确定性可能会非常强烈,以至于为了缓解你的焦虑,你会遵从你通常不会有的愿望。假设这是十月的一个星期二晚上,你认为你上大学的女儿在她的大学宿舍里很安全。然后你接到一个电话,通知你她被绑架了,如果你在接下来的十分钟内不转账 2,000 美元的苹果礼品卡,罪犯就会强奸并杀死她。你女儿受到威胁的形象可能会让你感到恐惧,但当你发现你的女儿并不像你想象的那样安全地待在宿舍里,而是在某个未知的、不安全的地方时,你也会感到震惊。这个明显的启示迫使你重新评估你认为你知道的关于你女儿的一切,她的处境,甚至可能是她的生活本身。你可能会怀疑这个电话是个骗局,但在那一刻,不确定性的可能性是如此强烈,以至于你不知道该相信什么。因此,您不必冒险,只需汇款即可。

When a skilled manipulator is prompting you to question your previously strong beliefs (forced reevaluation), the resulting uncertainty can be so strong that to ease the anxiety you feel, you’ll comply with wishes that you ordinarily wouldn’t have. Let’s say it’s a Tuesday night in October, and you think your college-age daughter is safe in her college dorm. Then you get a call informing you that she’s been kidnapped, and the criminals will rape and kill her if you fail to transfer $2,000 in Apple gift cards in the next ten minutes. The image of your daughter being threatened might strike terror in you, but so does the shock of discovering that your daughter is not safe in her dorm as you had assumed, but in some unknown and unsafe place. The apparent revelation forces you to reevaluate everything else you think you know about your daughter, her circumstances, and maybe even life itself. You might suspect that the call is a scam, but in that moment, the prospect of uncertainty is so strong that you don’t quite know what to believe. So rather than chance it, you send the money.

我们在企业环境中看到过强迫性重新评估。假设你在一家对信息披露有严格规定的公司从事 IT 工作。如果有人打电话给你,说 CEO 要求你提供信息,因为过去两天发生了 200 起安全漏洞,而且有人即将下台,你可能会提供信息,理由是公司并不希望你在如此危急的情况下遵守公司关于信息披露的政策。这种矛盾让你感到不安——同样,你现在不知道该相信什么。因此,为了避免惹恼 CEO,你屈服于自己的焦虑,破例了一次。

We see forced reevaluation at work in corporate settings. Let’s say you work in IT at a company with very strict rules about disclosing information. If someone calls you and says that the CEO asked you to give out information because there have been two hundred security breaches over the past two days, and some heads are about to roll, you might give out the information, reasoning that the company didn’t really want you to keep to corporate policy about information disclosure in such a dire situation. The contradiction unsettles you—again, you now don’t know what to believe. So rather than risk ticking off the CEO, you give in to your anxiety and make an exception.

有时公司会对自己的员工进行强制重新评估,以迫使他们更加努力地工作。公司不会简单地裁员,而是提前几个月宣布将裁掉一定数量的人,但不透露这些人是谁。想想这样的举动对个人员工的影响。在宣布之前,他们可能认为公司经营良好,他们的工作很稳定。然后他们听说公司情况不佳,裁员即将到来。即使他们自己的表现一直很好,他们心中也会种下怀疑的种子。他们自以为了解的有关公司的某些重要信息原来是不真实的。还有什么是不真实的呢?随着焦虑感的增加,他们会更加努力地工作,以防万一——这很可能是公司提前警告裁员的意图。

Sometimes companies deploy forced reevaluation on their own employees to make them work harder. Rather than simply lay people off, companies will announce months in advance that they will be laying off a certain number of people, without naming who those people are. Think of the impact such a move has on individual workers. Until the announcement, they might have assumed that the company was doing fine and their jobs were secure. Then they hear that the company isn’t fine and layoffs are coming. Even if their own performance has been strong, a seed of doubt is sown in their minds. Something important they thought they knew about the company turns out to be untrue. What else is untrue? With their anxiety rising, they’re going to work harder just in case—quite possibly the company’s intended result in giving advance warning about layoffs.

途径3:无能为力感增强

Pathway #3: Increased Powerlessness

第三个极其有效的易感途径是剥夺一个人的权力。人们想要掌控一切。在某种深层次的原始层面上,我们人类将控制等同于权力,将权力等同于生存。23控制的核心是选择。人类和动物都喜欢有选择,即使这些选择不会改善结果。24正如一项恰如其分地称为“生来选择”的研究所说,“相信自己有能力控制环境并产生预期的结果,对个人的幸福至关重要。” 25成功的公司明白这一点,并扩大了员工的自主权,提高了他们的生产力、幸福感和绩效。26正如哈佛商学院的 Ranjay Gulati 教授所观察到的,“领导者知道他们需要给员工空间,让他们发挥出最好的水平,追求非传统的想法,并在当下做出明智的决定。这句话被说得太多了,以至于成了陈词滥调。”尤其是几十年来研究表明,员工“希望在工作中拥有某种形式的选择权和发言权,这可以激发更大的承诺并提高绩效。” 27

A third, extremely effective route to susceptibility is to take away a person’s power. People want to feel in control. At some deep, primal level our species has equated control with power, and power with survival.23 And at the heart of control is choice. Human beings and animals alike prefer having choices, even if they won’t improve an outcome.24 As one research study, aptly called “Born to Choose,” put it, “Belief in one’s ability to exert control over the environment and to produce desired results is essential for an individual’s well being.”25 Successful companies understand this, and have extended autonomy to their employees, increasing their productivity, happiness, and performance.26 As Professor Ranjay Gulati of the Harvard Business School has observed, “Leaders know they need to give people room to be their best, to pursue unconventional ideas, and to make smart decisions in the moment. It’s been said so often that it’s a cliché.” In particular, decades of research have shown that employees “want some form of choice and voice in what they do at work, and that this can spark greater commitment and improve performance.”27

如果有人能剥夺你的选择权(通常是虚幻的),从而剥夺你的控制权,你就会感到无比恐惧和极度痛苦,甚至会做出你原本不会做出的鲁莽决定。随着时间的推移,如果你的失控感持续存在,你可能会屈服,因为你已经习惯了。结果就是马丁·塞利格曼和他的同事史蒂文·F·迈尔所说的“习得性无助”。28 20世纪 60 年代中期,宾夕法尼亚大学的研究生塞利格曼正在研究犬类的回避学习。塞利格曼和他的团队对狗施加电击,它们要么选择忍受虐待,要么选择通过攀爬障碍物来逃避命运。在反复遭受虐待后,一些狗不再试图逃跑,沮丧地屈服于折磨。研究人员修改了实验,重新对狗施加电击,并为它们提供逃生路线,但结果是一样的:大部分动物仍然失败了。塞利格曼并不是一个怪物:他想要扭转人类和犬类的习得性无助,并把他杰出的职业生涯的剩余时间都奉献给了尝试通过习得性乐观来克服习得性无助。

If someone can take away your (oftentimes illusory) sense of choice and therefore control, the fear and outright distress you feel might be overwhelming, to the point that you’ll make rash decisions you otherwise wouldn’t. Over time, if your loss of control persists, you might give in simply because you’ve become habituated to it. The result is what Martin Seligman and his colleague Steven F. Maier termed “learned helplessness.”28 In the mid-1960s, Seligman, a graduate student at the University of Pennsylvania, was studying avoidance learning in canines. Seligman and his team applied electric shocks to dogs, who either chose to endure the abuse or escape their fate by scaling a barrier. Following repeated abuse, some of the dogs stopped attempting escape and, dejected, submitted to the torture. The researchers modified the experiments, readministering shocks and offering escape routes to the dogs, but the results were the same: a large subset of the animals remained defeated. Seligman was no monster: he wanted to reverse learned helplessness among humans and canines alike and has devoted the rest of his distinguished career to trying to overcome learned helplessness through learned optimism.

途径#4:惩罚

Pathway #4: Punishment

操纵者有时会惩罚他人或以惩罚相威胁,以引起强烈的情绪(即恐惧甚至恐怖),使他们的目标更容易被说服。最明显的例子就是酷刑。研究表明,酷刑在诱使认罪方面非常有效,但在诱使真实信息方面却很糟糕。“400 年来我们都知道酷刑不起作用,”《科学美国人》的一篇文章宣称。该文引用了欧洲女巫狂热时期审讯者施加酷刑的例子,证明了我们直觉上都知道的事实:人们会承认任何事情来减轻痛苦。29人们仍然相信审慎实施酷刑的魔力。在热播电视剧《24小时》中,基弗·萨瑟兰饰演严肃的审讯员杰克·鲍尔,他使用任何必要手段从恐怖分子那里获取情报,从而将大都市从苦难和混乱中拯救出来。“这是好莱坞的幻想,” 《科学美国人》总结道。“实际上,被囚禁的人可能是也可能不是恐怖分子,可能有也可能没有关于恐怖袭击的准确信息,也可能会也可能不会吐露有用的情报,特别是如果他或她的动机是终止酷刑的话。” 30

Manipulators will sometimes punish others or levy the threat of punishment to elicit strong emotion (namely, fear or even terror), making their targets more susceptible to persuasion. The most obvious example of this is torture. Studies have shown that torture is stunningly effective at eliciting confessions but terrible at eliciting truthful information. “We’ve Known for 400 Years That Torture Doesn’t Work,” declares an article in Scientific American. Citing inquisitors inflicting torture from the European witch craze, the article demonstrates what we all know to be true intuitively: people will confess to just about anything to stop the pain.29 But belief in the magic of judiciously applied torture persists. In the hit television series 24, Kiefer Sutherland plays the no-nonsense interrogator Jack Bauer, who uses any means necessary to extract intelligence from terrorists and thereby save major metropolitan areas from misery and mayhem. “It’s a Hollywood fantasy,” concludes Scientific American. “In reality, the person in captivity may or may not be a terrorist, may or may not have accurate information about a terrorist attack, and may or may not cough up useful intelligence, particularly if his or her motivation is to terminate the torture.”30

犯罪分子通过各种骗局,以较小但可怕的程度动用惩罚途径,无论是勒索软件封锁你的电脑并要求付款,还是无数的骗局,声称你犯了罪并威胁你如果不支付罚款就会入狱。正是这样的威胁导致那位可怜的罗马尼亚男子自杀并杀死了他的孩子。

Criminals mobilize the punishment pathway to a lesser but frightful extent through any number of scams, whether it’s ransomware that seals off your computer and demands a payment, or the countless scams that claim you committed a crime and threaten you with imprisonment if you don’t pay a penalty. It was precisely such a threat that led that poor Romanian man to kill himself and his child.

惩罚威胁不必特别严厉或戏剧性,就能迫使对方做出回应。还记得我之前提到的那家银行吗?他们要求我们尝试操纵手段,从其员工那里获取敏感的账户信息。我们成功完成了这项任务,因为我们让一名女团队成员打电话给一位自称是银行客户助理的账户专员。这位助理解释说,她的老板怀孕了,即将分娩,但迫切需要账户信息来处理最后一刻的工作问题。账户专员问了一些常见的核实问题,以确定老板的身份,但每次他这样做时,老板都会有点阵痛,在电话里发出呻吟声。

The threat of punishment doesn’t have to be especially severe or dramatic to compel a response. Remember that bank I mentioned earlier that asked us to try manipulation to extract sensitive account information from their employees? We succeeded in that assignment by having one of our female team members call up an account specialist purporting to be an assistant who worked for one of the bank’s customers. The assistant explained that her boss, who was pregnant, was going into labor and yet desperately needed the account information to handle a last-minute work matter. The account specialist asked the usual verification questions to establish the boss’s identity, but every time he did, the boss went into a little bit of labor, moaning and groaning audibly into the phone.

账户专员很同情她,但他解释说他不能透露这些信息。最后,经过大约 25 分钟的铺垫,我们让“老板”开始全力工作,并对她的助理大喊:“在你拿到账户信息之前,你敢挂断电话。如果你不拿到,工资就发不出去!”助理假装惊慌失措,最后一次恳求账户专员提供她想要的敏感银行信息。那家伙终于屈服了。显然,他同情老板和她惊慌失措的助理。我们暗中威胁的“惩罚”是,一旦他挂断电话,他会因为没有帮助这两个急需帮助的人而感到内疚。我们激起了他对内疚的恐惧以及随之而来的精神痛苦,得到了我们想要的东西。

The account specialist was empathetic, but he explained that he simply couldn’t give out the information. Finally, after about twenty-five minutes of buildup, we had the “boss” go into full-blown labor and scream to her assistant: “Don’t you dare hang up that phone until you get that account information. Payroll isn’t going to go out unless you do!” Pretending to be panicked and overwhelmed, the assistant pleaded one last time with the account specialist to give her the sensitive banking information she sought. The guy finally caved. Clearly, he sympathized with the boss and her panicked assistant. The “punishment” we were implicitly threatening was the guilt he’d feel once he’d hung up the phone at not helping these two people in dire need of assistance. Firing up his fear of feeling guilty and the psychic pain that would entail, we got what we wanted.

我所描述的四种途径往往相互重叠,我们经常发现操纵的例子,它们在不同程度上同时部署了所有途径。考虑一下一家公司宣布即将裁员的情况。这一举措不仅仅是因为强制重新评估而迫使员工加倍努力,正如我所讨论的那样。裁员隐含的“惩罚”威胁——未来失业和失业——也操纵员工加倍努力。还有,对你的职业命运的不确定性也带来了更大的无力感:一些高层领导做出了一个可能改变你一切的决定。工作场所环境的某些方面也可能发生变化,加剧你的恐惧,促使你更加努力地工作。在你的公司宣布未来裁员的同时,他们可能还会削减办公室奢侈品和旅行费用。突然之间,你周围的每个人都带着自己的零食上班,加​​班很晚,渴望不要成为少数不幸失业的人之一。每天坐在办公桌前,思考这些事情,你很容易就会发现自己可能会屈服于普遍存在的恐惧而自己工作到很晚。

The four pathways I’ve described often overlap with one another, and we frequently find instances of manipulation that deploy all of them at once to varying degrees. Consider the situation in which a company announces pending layoffs. That move doesn’t merely compel employees to work extra hard because of forced reevaluation, as I discussed. The threat of “punishment” implicit in the layoffs—future job loss and unemployment—also manipulates employees to redouble their efforts. There is as well the increased powerlessness that comes with uncertainty about your professional destiny: some senior leader high up on the executive floor has made a decision that might change everything for you. Aspects of the workplace environment might also change, exacerbating your fears and prompting you to work even harder. At the same time as your company announces future layoffs, they might also cut back on office luxuries and travel. All of a sudden, everyone around you is bringing their own snacks to work and staying late, eager not to be one of the unlucky few to lose their jobs. Sitting at your desk every day and taking this in, it’s easy to see how you might give in to the prevailing fear and work late yourself.

想想在未来几天或几周内你将要向某人提出的请求。拿出一张纸,在中间画一条线。在纸的一边,记下一些关于如何使用影响策略来实现目标的想法。在另一边,思考这里描述的易感性途径以及这些途径可能如何应用。致力于走上更高的道路并部署影响力。如果你是孩子不愿意做作业的家长,你通常会使用哪些操纵策略,以及如何避免这些策略同时仍然得到你想要的东西?

Think of a request you will have to make of someone in the days or weeks ahead. Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side, jot down some ideas as to how you might use influence tactics to achieve your objectives. On the other side, think about the pathways to susceptibility described here and how those might apply. Commit yourself to taking the higher road and deploying influence. If you’re a parent with children who don’t want to do their homework, what manipulation tactics do you typically use and how might you avoid them while still getting what you want?

我的蜕变时刻

My Transformational Moment

几年前,我刚挂牌成为职业黑客,一家大公司就雇佣我,让我用尽一切办法攻击他们——网络钓鱼、语音钓鱼、试图入侵他们的实体设施,应有尽有。我们这样做了,他们的安全措施非常好,我们根本无法攻破。我束手无策,当时我应该停下来承认失败。但我却让自负占了上风,制定了一个计划,用操纵手段入侵。

Years ago, just after I had put up my shingle as a professional hacker of humans, a very large company hired me to throw everything we had at them—phishing, vishing, attempted break-ins to their physical facilities, you name it. We did, and their security was so good we just couldn’t break through. I was at wit’s end, and at that point I should have stopped and admitted defeat. But instead, I let my ego get the better of me and hatched a plan to manipulate our way in.

我和一位女同事坐在公司的餐厅中庭,那里在室外,没有安全措施,而且很容易进入。我们假扮为公司人力资源部的成员,借口是要求员工填写有关其医疗保健政策的信息表。表格中包含我们秘密想要的信息 — 员工的全名、出生日期和员工 ID。我们反过来可以利用这些信息来入侵公司的计算机系统。

A female colleague of mine and I sat down in the company’s cafeteria atrium, which was outdoors, unsecured, and easy to access. We were posing as members of the company’s HR department, and as a pretext we were there to ask employees to fill out information forms regarding their health care policies. The forms contained information we secretly wanted—employees’ full names, date of birth, and employee ID. We could in turn use that information to compromise the company’s computer system.

按照我们预先设定的计划,我的同事告诉我,她因为她没有按时完成我给她规定的任务,我站起来,推开她的一叠表格,用相当响亮的声音对她大发雷霆,指责她搞砸了我们的工作项目。“你这个没用的女人,”我说。“难怪你找不到工作。如果你今晚之前不能解决这个问题,你就会被解雇。”我怒气冲冲地走了,坐在附近的两个家伙听到了整个事情,跳起来追我,我想,他们是想揍我。

As per our preset plan, my colleague announced to me that she had failed to meet a deadline I’d given her, I stood up, pushed back her stack of forms, and in a fairly loud voice appeared to blow up at her for screwing up our work project. “You worthless wench,” I said. “No wonder you can’t keep a job. If you don’t get this fixed by tonight, you’re fired.” I stormed off, and two guys who had been sitting nearby and heard the whole thing jumped up to run after me, intending, I thought, to beat me up.

我假装没看见他们,我的同事拦住他们,为我辩护。“不,不,”她说,“拜托,拜托。他压力很大。他和他妻子在家里有问题。我本应该完成这个项目,但都是我的错。他有权冲我大喊大叫。”说到这里,她的声音渐渐低了下来,眼泪流下来,肩膀耷拉下来。这是斯德哥尔摩综合症的模仿。

I pretended not to see them, and my colleague stopped them and defended me. “No, no,” she said, “please, guys, please. He’s under a lot of stress. He and his wife are having problems at home. I was supposed to get this project done, and it was all my fault. He had every right to yell at me.” Her voice trailed off as she said this, giving way to tears and slumped shoulders. It was mock Stockholm syndrome.

“没人有权利对你大喊大叫,”其中一名男子说道。“没人应该这样对待你。”

“No one has a right to yell at you,” one of the men said. “Nobody should treat you this way.”

另一名旁观者,看起来像是该公司的高级经理,过来询问发生了什么事。

Another bystander, who appeared to be a senior manager at the company, came over to ask what happened.

“她的老板刚刚对她大喊大叫,”一位好心人说。“他今天就要解雇她。”

“Her boss just yelled at her,” one of the Good Samaritans said. “He’s going to fire her today.”

“今天没人会被解雇,”这位旁观者说。他拿起表格,命令餐厅里的每个人都填上。十分钟内,我们就填了七十份表格,里面的信息足以入侵电脑系统。

“Nobody’s getting fired today,” this bystander said. He took the forms and ordered everyone in the cafeteria to fill them out. Within ten minutes, we had seventy forms filled out, with more than enough information to break into the computer system.

大获全胜,对吧?一点也不。我们通过操纵手段进入了公司。员工们之所以服从,并不是因为他们想服从,而是因为我们激起了他们的负面情绪。我们采用了惩罚的手段,让目标员工面对心理上痛苦的前景,即看到其他人被羞辱和解雇。在某种程度上,我们也使用了强制重新评估,创造了一种直接挑战职业行为规范的老板与员工之间的互动。我们的行为让我们的目标员工对他们所看到的一切感到厌恶。他们为我的同事感到难过并对我生气。他们并没有因为见到我们而感觉好一点。他们感觉更糟了。公司再也没有召我们回去工作,这绝非巧合。

Big victory, right? Not at all. We had manipulated our way in. The employees didn’t comply because they wanted to, but because of negative feelings we had aroused. We used the punishment pathway, confronting our targets with the psychically painful prospect of seeing someone else humiliated and fired. To some extent, we used forced reevaluation as well, creating a boss-employee interaction that directly challenged the norms of professional conduct. Our actions left our targets disgusted at what they’d witnessed. They felt bad for my colleague and were angry at me. They didn’t feel better for having met us. They felt worse. No coincidence that the company never called us back to work for them again.

一旦我们确定所有常规技术都失败了,我们应该做的就是取消测试并祝贺该公司有效的安全措施。然后我们可以提议使用这样的操纵技术,理由是保护他们免受最无良阴谋家的侵害,并让他们同意。只有到那时,我才会对使用这种技术感到满意。

What we should have done, once we had determined that all of our ordinary techniques had failed, was call off the test and congratulate the company on their effective security. We could have then proposed using manipulative techniques such as this, justified for the sake of protecting them against the most unscrupulous plotters, and gotten them to agree to it. Then, and only then, would I have felt good about using such techniques.

这件事发生在我职业生涯的早期,代表着我道德上的失误,至今我仍对此深感后悔。不过,我很高兴地说,这对我来说是一个转折点。在那之前,我一直试图尽量减少对他人的伤害,做正确的事,但我没有认真考虑过我要坚持的道德标准。我没有问过自己,我真正想成为哪种黑客——我的目的是什么。我是为了钱吗?还是我会把我的职业生涯奉献给做好事,努力改变别人的生活?如果我想要的只是钱,那么像这样的攻击可能没问题——我没有造成那么大的破坏。如果我想做好事,那么除了少数例外,我必须避免这样的攻击,即使我知道它们会奏效。

This episode, which took place early in my career, represented a lapse of ethics on my part, and one I continue to deeply regret. I’m happy to say, though, that it was a turning point for me. Until then, I had tried to minimize harm to others and do the right thing, but I hadn’t given much thought to the ethical standards I would uphold. I hadn’t asked myself what kind of hacker I really wanted to be—what my purpose was. Was I in it for the money? Or would I dedicate my career to doing good and trying to make a difference in others’ lives? If all I wanted was money, then exploits like this were probably fine—I hadn’t caused that much damage. If I wanted to do good, then with a few exceptions I had to avoid exploits like this, even if I knew they would work.

在那件事发生后,我反思了自己的核心信念,也为我的孩子们考虑了很多。如果他们来我的公司工作,我不希望他们看到我每天都在操纵别人,更不希望他们自己也参与其中。即使他们从未为我工作过,我也不确定如果我经常如此冷酷地对待周围的人,我会成为什么样的榜样。这些想法让我豁然开朗。我现在知道我想做好事。我明白了通过操纵取胜的感觉有多糟糕,我想尽可能避免这种情况。

In the wake of that episode, I reflected on my core beliefs, and I thought a great deal about my kids. If they ever came to work at my company, I wouldn’t want them to see me manipulating people as a daily practice, much less engaging in that behavior themselves. Even if they never did work for me, I wasn’t sure what kind of role model I could be if I routinely treated others around me so callously. Such thoughts proved immensely clarifying. I now knew I wanted to do good. I understood how lousy it felt to win by manipulation, and I wanted to avoid that as much as possible.

我开始从根本上改变我们经营公司的方式——我们如何设计漏洞,如何培训团队,如何与客户打交道。为了保持专注,我们采用了 Robin Dreeke 的口头禅——“让他们因为遇见你而过得更好”——作为我们的“北极星”。我也非常关注个人生活中的道德问题,时刻警惕自己可能无意中操纵和改变或避免这种行为的时候。我寻找新的方式,将人类黑客技术用于善举。2017 年,我创建了一个非营利组织,即无辜生命基金会 (ILF),该基金会使用黑客技术帮助抓捕和定罪儿童色情制品制造者。迄今为止,ILF 已协助处理了 250 多起案件。我并不完美,但我已经好多了。我的人际关系更加深厚,我变得更快乐了。你可以坚定地保持自己的行为光明正大,同时也要保持足够的警惕来保护自己。这样一来,你不仅生活得更好、更安全,而且还能人们那里得到更多你想要的东西。

I proceeded to fundamentally change everything about how we ran our company—how we designed our exploits, how we trained our team, how we dealt with clients. To keep us focused, we adopted Robin Dreeke’s mantra—“Leave them better off for having met you”—as our “north star.” I also became keenly focused on ethics in my personal life, staying alert to times when I might be inadvertently manipulating and changing or avoiding that behavior. I looked for new ways in which I could use human hacking techniques for good. In 2017, I created a nonprofit, the Innocent Lives Foundation (ILF), that uses hacking techniques to help catch and convict child pornographers. To date, ILF has assisted in over 250 cases. I’m not perfect, but I’ve gotten a whole lot better. My relationships have deepened, and I’ve become happier. You can keep your conduct firmly on the side of light, while also staying attuned enough to manipulation to protect yourself. You’ll be both better off and safer for it, and you’ll still get much more of what you want from people.

为了增加你得到更多想要的东西的几率,同时避免被操纵,我想分享一些额外的技巧,如果运用得当,这些技巧可以提高影响技巧的有效性。稍后,我将讨论如何正确处理社交互动的细节,以便你给人留下真实自然的印象。但首先,让我们探讨如何利用对肢体语言的基本了解来显著改善与他人的互动。犯罪分子和职业黑客可以快速准确地解读你的肢体语言,以了解你的内心情绪状态。他们还知道如何使用肢体语言以有益的方式唤起情绪。通过让自己更加适应肢体语言,你可以对他人的经历更加敏感,并意识到自己的存在,这些品质有助于你建立关系并诱使他人想要帮助你。

To increase the odds that you’ll get more of what you want while avoiding manipulation, I’d like to share some additional techniques that when skillfully deployed can boost the effectiveness of influence techniques. A bit later, I’ll discuss how to get the details of your social interactions right so that you come across as authentic and natural. But first, let’s explore how you can use a basic understanding of body language to dramatically improve your interactions with others. Criminals and professional hackers can quickly and accurately interpret your body language to glean your inner emotional state. They also know how to use their body language to evoke emotions in helpful ways. By becoming more attuned to body language yourself, you can become far more sensitive to what others are experiencing and aware of your own presence, qualities that help you build relationships and induce others to want to help you.

第 7 章

让你的身体说话

Chapter 7

Let Your Body Do the Talking

通过言语以外的方式改善您的人际关系。

Improve your relationships by going beyond words.

人类的专业黑客非常善于观察他人的非语言交流,包括他们如何移动他们的手、他们的面部表情等等。他们确实应该如此,因为正如心理学家所表明的那样,我们交流的大部分内容都是通过非语言进行的。本章介绍了非语言交流的一些基本知识,借鉴了著名肢体语言专家保罗·埃克曼的研究以及我自己在这一领域的工作。

Professional hackers of humans are masters at noticing others’ nonverbal communications, including how they move their hands, their facial expressions, and so on. And well they should be, because as psychologists have shown, most of what we communicate comes through nonverbally. This chapter introduces some essentials of nonverbal communication, drawing on research by the renowned body language expert Paul Ekman as well as my own work in this area.

几年前,我受雇闯入一家政府承包商拥有的一座高度戒备的办公楼。为了防范恶意软件,该公司严格禁止员工将外国 USB 插入其发放的计算机。这间办公室的每台电脑上都贴着一张“禁止外国 USB!”的小标签。我的目标是看看我能否诱使前台接待员插入带有恶意代码的 USB,从而引导计算机与我们中的一台计算机进行通信(这被称为“反向 shell”)。

A number of years ago I was hired to break into a highly secure office building owned by a government contractor. To protect against malware, the company strictly forbade employees from inserting foreign USBs into the computers it issued. Every computer in this office sported a little “No Foreign USBs!” sticker. My goal was to see if I could induce the front desk receptionist to insert a USB with malicious code on it that would direct the computer to communicate with one of ours (what is called a “reverse shell”).

我把车停进停车场,下车时拿出一个装有假个人简历副本的文件夹,故意在上面倒了热气腾腾的热咖啡。拿着这个文件夹,我走进前门。“你好,有什么可以帮你的吗?”接待员微笑着问道。但我没有笑。我脸上的表情混合着悲伤、沮丧、压力和恼怒。“哦,不,”她朝我看了一眼说。“你怎么了?”

I pulled into the parking lot, and as I got out of my car, I took out a folder containing copies of a fake personal résumé and purposely dumped steaming hot coffee on it. With this folder in hand, I walked into the front door. “Hi, how can I help you?” the receptionist asked with a smile. But I wasn’t smiling. I had a look on my face that evoked a mixture of sadness, dejection, stress, and irritation. “Oh no,” she said, upon glancing in my direction. “What happened to you?”

我扫了一眼她桌子上的照片,发现了几个孩子、一个可能是她丈夫的男人和一只拉布拉多猎犬。“嗯,”我说,“我开车过来,因为十分钟后我要和人力资源部面试,我真的很想得到这份工作,结果这只狗跑到我的车前。我太爱狗了,我不想杀了它。所以,我猛踩刹车,咖啡从咖啡架上掉了下来,洒在车上,还浸湿了我的简历。十分钟后我要在这里面试。”

I scanned the pictures on her desk, spotting one of some kids, a man who was probably her husband, and a Labrador retriever. “Well,” I said, “I was driving here because I have an interview in like ten minutes with HR, and I was really hoping to get the job, and this dog runs out in front of my car. I love dogs so much, I didn’t want to kill it. So, I slammed on my brakes, and my coffee fell out of the coffee holder, all over my car, and it soaked copies of my résumé. And I have an interview here in ten minutes.”

“噢,太糟糕了,”她说。“我能帮上什么忙吗?”

“Oh, that’s awful,” she said. “What can I do to help?”

“我不知道,”我说。“我已经失业六个月了,我真的需要这份工作。我参加了一次又一次的面试,但今天似乎什么也没得到。我想上天在跟我作对。”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I’ve been out of work for six months, and I really need this job. I’ve been going from interview to interview, and it just seems like I’m not winning anything today. I guess the universe is against me.”

“嗯,路上有一家 Kinko's。也许你可以跑过去打印一份然后回来。”

“Well, there’s a Kinko’s down the road. Maybe you can run over there and print one and come back.”

我摇摇头。“我没有时间。他们对面试的要求很严格。他们说要准时,要做好准备。我不想因为迟到而给人留下不好的第一印象。”

I shook my head. “I don’t have time. They’re very strict about these interviews. They said to be on time, and to come prepared. I don’t want to make a bad first impression by being late.”

她点点头。“是的,你说得对。”

She nodded. “Yeah, you’re right.”

我从口袋里掏出一个U盘。“嘿,你能帮我吗?你能打印一份我的简历吗?它在这个U盘里。然后我就没问题了。”

I pulled a USB out of my pocket. “Hey, could you maybe help me? Could you print out just one copy of my résumé? It’s on this USB key. Then I’d be all set.”

我把我的 USB 密钥递给她,当她接过它时,我看得出她正在考虑是否要违反公司的规定。所以,就在那个时候片刻之后,在尴尬的停顿之前,我把眉毛内侧向上拉,同时嘴角下垂,皱起眉头——这个面部表情表明我正在经历悲伤。通过这样做,我希望激发她一丝同情。果然,她弯下腰插入 USB,看着“禁止使用外国 USB”的标志,停顿了整整一秒钟,然后就插入了。“哦,这里有两个文件夹,”她说。

I handed her my USB key, and as she took it, I could tell she was thinking about whether to break her company’s rule. So, at that exact moment, before an awkward pause ensued, I brought the inner edges of my eyebrows together and up, while also bringing the corners of my lips down into a frown—a facial expression indicating that I’m experiencing sadness. In doing this, I hoped to spark a decisive bit of empathy in her. Sure enough, she bent down to insert the USB, looked at the “No foreign USBs” sign, paused for a full second, and just inserted it. “Oh, there’s two folders here,” she said.

确实有两份,最上面的是恶意文件,最下面的是我的简历。

There were indeed two. The top one was the malicious file, and the bottom my résumé.

“最上面的那个可能是最新的,所以点击它,”我说。她照做了。一秒钟后,我的手机响了一声,我的团队发来短信,说他们已经获得了她电脑的访问权限。

“The top one is probably the most current, so click that,” I said. She did. A second later, my phone dinged loudly with a text from my team saying they had gained access to her computer.

我看了一眼手机。“哦,这是提醒,我快要迟到了。”

I glanced down at my phone. “Oh, that’s my reminder that I’m almost late for my interview.”

“好吧,我们最好快点,”她说。“这个文件不起作用。”

“Well, we better hurry up,” she said. “This file isn’t working.”

“试试下面的那个,”我说,她照做了。她打印了我的简历,把它放在一个漂亮的新文件夹中,并提出带我去人力资源部的亨利女士那里。

“Try the bottom one,” I said, which she did. She printed out my résumé, put it in a nice, new folder for me, and offered to take me over to Mrs. Henry in HR.

“等一下,”我说,“这是 ABC 公司吗?”

“Wait,” I said. “Is this ABC company?”

“不,”她说。“那是隔壁。我们是 XYZ 公司。”

“No,” she said. “That’s next door. We’re XYZ company.”

“你在跟我开玩笑吗?”我说,“天啊,太尴尬了。”

“Are you kidding me,” I said. “Oh, gosh. How embarrassing.”

“你今天过得确实不顺心。”

“You really are having a bad day.”

我气呼呼地走出办公室,说要去隔壁的公司。任务完成了。

I huffed out of the office, claiming that I was headed over to the neighboring company. Mission accomplished.

这个故事中运用了许多技巧,但最关键的是我刚到时脸上那种疲惫不堪、过度紧张的表情。那一脸胜过千言万语,为接下来的一切埋下了伏笔。它激发了接待员想要帮助我的想法,而我讲述的故事只是证实了我脸上似乎写着的真相。

A number of techniques figured in this story, but the pivotal one was the frazzled, overwrought expression I wore on my face upon first arriving. That one look said a thousand words and set up everything else that was to come. It inspired the receptionist to want to help me, with the story I told only confirming the truth that seemed to have been written on my face.

如果你能掌握非语言交流的艺术,你将会比起仅仅依靠语言,让别人听从你的命令要容易得多。你还可以通过面部表情、小动作、肩膀姿势等来检测他人的心理状态。联邦调查局的审讯人员、间谍和其他安全领域的人员都接受过大量肢体语言方面的培训。他们中最好的,比如我的朋友乔·纳瓦罗,非常擅长肢体语言,他们几乎可以立即发现陌生人的情绪,然后在谈话过程中跟踪这些人微妙但重要的感觉变化。

If you can master the art of nonverbal communication, you’ll have a far easier time getting others to do your bidding than if you rely on words alone. And you’ll also be able to detect others’ states of mind through facial expressions, small tics, shoulder posture, and so on. FBI interrogators, spies, and others in the security field receive extensive training on body language. The best of them, like my friend Joe Navarro, are so good they can almost immediately spot emotions in total strangers and then track subtle but important changes in how these individuals are feeling as conversations proceed.

我希望本章能够赋予您类似水平的忍者精通,但遗憾的是,它不能。非语言交流是一个巨大的话题(顺便说一句,它可以追溯到查尔斯·达尔文的著作)。1您身体的许多部位都会传达情绪或想法 - 包括您的头部、面部、手、四肢、躯干 - 而且您可以用无数种方式使用它们进行交流。许多其他元素也会以非语言的方式传达情绪,例如您穿的衣服和珠宝、是否以及如何进行眼神交流、您的语气、您选择与他人进行身体接触(或不进行)的具体方式、您的身体气味等等。将身体符号和信号含义的文化差异考虑在内,您就会得到一个相当复杂的图景。要达到顶级安全专业人员的精通水平,可能需要多年的练习。

I wish this chapter could bestow a similar level of ninja mastery, but alas, it can’t. Nonverbal communication is an immense topic (and one that incidentally dates back to the writings of Charles Darwin).1 Many parts of your body convey emotions or ideas—including your head, face, hands, limbs, torso—and you can use each of these in myriad ways to communicate. A range of other elements also convey emotion nonverbally, such as the clothes and jewelry you wear, whether and how you make eye contact, your tone of voice, the precise ways you choose to make bodily contact with others (or don’t), how your body smells, and so on. Factor in cultural differences in the meaning of bodily signs and signals, and you’ve got quite a complex picture indeed. It can take years of practice to reach the level of mastery that top security professionals possess.

如果你的目标是掌握这些技巧,那么第一步就是查阅一些关于这个主题和相关主题的书籍,其中最著名的是纳瓦罗和保罗·埃克曼博士的作品。2还应该开始练习非语言表达,并在社交场合观察他人。但你不需要掌握面部表情、手部动作等来提高你作为人类黑客的水平。只要多了解一点我们的身体如何“说话”,就能大大提高你影响他人的能力。让我们来看看你现在可以使用的几种基本技巧,主要关注面部表情,以发现和引发情绪。花几个小时练习这些技巧,你就会变得在社交活动中情绪更加敏感,行为也更加谨慎。你执行本书其他章节中描述的策略的能力也会随之提高。

If such mastery is your goal, your first step is to consult a number of books on this and related subjects, most notably the works of Navarro and Dr. Paul Ekman.2 You should also start practicing nonverbals and observing people in social settings. But you don’t need to master facial gestures, hand movements, and the like in order to up your game as a human hacker. Developing just a bit of extra awareness of how our bodies “talk” can greatly improve your ability to influence others. Let’s examine a few basic techniques you can use right now to spot and elicit emotions, focusing primarily on facial expressions. Spend a few hours practicing these techniques, and you’ll become more emotionally sensitive during social encounters and behave more deliberately. Your ability to execute the strategies described in other chapters of this book will improve in turn.

一个很有用的小技巧

A Little Trick That Helps a Lot

首先,我分享一种强大的技巧,你现在就可以使用它来改善你的社交互动,几乎不需要练习。当你与某人交谈时,跟踪他们对正在发生的事情总体上是感到舒服还是不舒服会有所帮助。你可以通过观察他们肢体语言中的细微怪癖来做到这一点。例如,如果一个人倾向于将臀部和腹部向你倾斜,乔·纳瓦罗将这种现象称为“腹侧前倾”,3这可能表示舒适。“腹侧”一词指的是人或动物的下侧。当一只友好的狗翻身仰卧,露出柔软的下腹部让你挠痒时,这就是腹侧展示。这是开放、脆弱、对你感兴趣和渴望建立联系的强烈表现。人类提供其他类型的腹侧展示。例如,我们展示手腕和手的下侧,而不是将手掌朝下。如果我邀请你和我一起吃午饭,并露出手掌,那么我邀请你的方式会更柔和、更被动,表明我渴望了解你。如果我将手掌朝下,那么我表现得更强大、更有威严、更正式。歪着头露出脖子和微笑也是表达安慰的好方法。

To get us started, I just have to share a powerful technique you can use right now to improve your social interactions, with virtually no practice. When you’re conversing with someone, it can help to keep track of whether they generally feel comfortable or uncomfortable with what’s transpiring. You can do that by observing subtle quirks in their body language. For example, if a person tends to tilt their hips and belly toward you, a phenomenon Joe Navarro has termed “ventral fronting,”3 this can indicate comfort. The word “ventral” refers to the underside of a person or animal. When a friendly dog rolls onto his or her backside, exposing his or her soft underbelly for you to scratch, that’s a ventral display. It’s a powerful indication of openness, vulnerability, interest in you, and eagerness to make a connection. Humans offer up other kinds of ventral displays. For instance, we show the underside of our wrists and hands as opposed to keeping our palms facing down. If I ask you to have lunch with me and make the underside of my hand visible, I’m inviting you in a softer, more passive way, suggesting my eagerness to get to know you. If I keep my palms facing down, I’m projecting a stronger, more commanding, more formal presence. Tilts of the head that expose our neck and smiles are other great displays of comfort.

当我进入社交场合时,我会立即注意到这些非语言行为。通过观察开放的腹侧,我知道我遇到的人要么是真心愿意与我交往,要么是故意试图讨好我,以便我向他们敞开心扉,满足他们的愿望。你必须提防故意使用开放的腹侧。历史上一些最臭名昭著的骗子和罪犯都是魅力型的人会玩世不恭地表现出友好,以引诱毫无戒心的受害者。大多数时候,敞开的腹部会表明一种真正的舒适感和参与的意愿,这些信息与臀部的摆正可能会促使你开始建立融洽关系。当你在谈话过程中注意到一个人不再敞开腹部,而是采取更多的保护性手势时,这表明谈话可能已经变得更糟了。采取不同的方法或完全放弃谈话。

When I enter into a social situation, I cue in immediately to these nonverbals. Spotting open ventrals, I know that the people I meet are either genuinely open to engaging with me or are purposely trying to ingratiate themselves with me so that I’ll open up to them and go along with their desires. You do have to beware of the deliberate use of open ventrals. Some of history’s most notorious con men and criminals were charmers who cynically displayed friendliness to lure in unsuspecting victims. Most of the time, open ventrals will indicate a genuine comfort and willingness to engage, information that together with the squaring of the hips might prompt you to fire up your rapport-building efforts. And when during the course of a conversation you notice a person abandon open ventrals and adopt more protective gestures, this indicates that the conversation might have taken a turn for the worse. Take a different approach or abandon the conversation altogether.

了解“七大”是值得的

It Pays to Know the “Big Seven”

粗略地了解了肢体语言之后,让我们回顾一下人类如何表达特定的情绪,尤其是面部表情。科学家已经区分出两种面部表情:大表情,即我们有意识地做出的手势,以唤起我们的感受;微表情,即我们在体验某种情绪时做出的不自主的肌肉运动,通常没有意识到。大表情会持续几秒钟或更长时间,而微表情则非常快,只持续几分之一秒。假设你正走在办公室楼的走廊上,一个非常讨厌你的同事从前面拐角处走来。他一看到你,脸上便闪过一丝轻蔑。他的脸颊或脸侧的嘴角微微上扬——只是一丝假笑。这就是微表情。过了一会儿,当你们俩走近时,他露出一丝假笑,点了点头,说:“嗨,很高兴见到你。”微笑和点头是宏观表达。4

With this rough understanding of body language in place, let’s review how humans express specific emotions, most notably on the face. Scientists have distinguished two kinds of facial expressions: macro-expressions, gestures we consciously make to evoke how we’re feeling, and micro-expressions, involuntary muscle movements that we make, usually without realizing it, when we experience an emotion. Macro-expressions persist for a few seconds or longer, while micro-expressions are extremely quick, lasting only a fraction of a second. Let’s say you’re walking down the hallway in your office building and a colleague who hates your guts rounds the corner up ahead. The moment he spots you, a flash of contempt passes over his face. His cheek or a corner of his mouth on one side of his face rises ever so slightly—just a hint of a smirk. That’s the micro-expression. A moment or two later, as the two of you approach, he flashes a fake-looking smile, offers a brief nod of the head, and says, “Hi there, nice to see you.” The smile and head nod are macro-expressions.4

微表情对安全专家和人类黑客都非常重要。掌握这些,操作员可以在他人意识到自己的感受之前立即判断出他们的情绪状态但微表情对于未经训练的眼睛来说很难发现。如果你对面部表情还不熟悉,最好先学习如何解读和运用宏观表情。即便是这些似乎也构成了巨大的挑战。我们体验到许多情感,包括欲望、爱、恨、自满、忧郁、沮丧、兴奋、沮丧、友好、娱乐、不满、幻灭、忧虑、狂喜、悔恨,等等。我们如何才能在不记录所有这些情感并研究它们在人脸上的精确表现的情况下提高情感意识?

Micro-expressions are extremely important to security professionals and human hackers alike. Mastering those, an operator can instantly gauge someone else’s emotional state before they even recognize how they’re feeling. But micro-expressions are difficult for an untrained eye to spot. If you’re new to facial expressions, you’re better off learning first how to read and deploy macro-expressions. Even those might seem to pose a formidable challenge. We experience so many feelings including lust, love, hatred, complacency, melancholy, frustration, excitement, dismay, friendliness, amusement, discontent, disillusionment, apprehension, ecstasy, remorse, and the list goes on and on. How can we become more emotionally aware without having to catalog all these emotions and study their precise manifestations on the human face?

很简单——关注七大情绪。研究人员发现,人类的丰富情感可以归结为一小部分“基本”或组成情绪,就像画家调色板上的多种色调理论上只能分解为三种原色(黄色、红色和蓝色)。科学家们对基本情绪的确切数量意见不一,但包括艾克曼博士在内的许多人认为只有七种:愤怒、恐惧、惊讶、厌恶、蔑视、悲伤和快乐。想想看,如果你能立即从人们的脸上发现这些关键情绪,你的交流能力会有多强。你可以避免对其他人的感受产生很大的困惑,并且可以更有效地建立融洽的关系——当别人生气时,你不会出于个人利益而提出请求,当别人悲伤时,你也不会开玩笑。

Simple—focus in on the Big Seven. Researchers have discovered that the profusion of human emotions boil down to a small group of “base” or constituent emotions, just as the many hues on a painter’s palette in theory resolve down to just three primary colors (yellow, red, and blue). Scientists differ as to the precise number of base emotions, but many, including Dr. Ekman, believe there are just seven: anger, fear, surprise, disgust, contempt, sadness, and joy. Think how much better you’d be at communicating if you could instantly spot these key emotions on people’s faces. You’d avoid a great deal of confusion about how other people are feeling, and you’d be able to build rapport more effectively—not jumping in with a self-interested request when another person is angry or cracking a joke when someone is sad.

通过学习如何自己表达基本情绪,你还可以在部署影响策略的同时,促使人们感受到对你有利的情绪。假设我闯入一栋建筑,并开始与接待员交谈。当我向她提出请求时,我可能会让她感到轻微的悲伤,这与同理心有关。如果她同情我,她就更有可能答应我的请求。但我该如何让她做到这一点呢?很简单:我通过降低嘴角来表达悲伤。除了面部表情之外,我还会通过将手放在口袋里、垂下肩膀和降低声音来进一步表达悲伤。

By learning how to display the base emotions yourself, you’d also be able to nudge people to feel emotions that work to your advantage while deploying influence tactics. Let’s say I’m breaking into a building and I’ve kicked off a conversation with the receptionist. When it comes time to make a request of her, I would probably do well to get her to feel a mild sadness, which is linked to the feeling of empathy. If she empathizes with me, she’ll be more likely to grant my request. But how do I get her to do that? Simple: I express sadness by lowering the corner of my lips as a speak. Venturing beyond facial expressions, I would further express sadness by putting my hands in my pocket, slumping my shoulders, and lowering my voice.

研究发现,我们可以通过在脸上表现出情绪来故意激起他人的情绪,科学家将这种现象称为“镜像”。5我们的这种能力源于大脑中所谓的镜像神经元,用两位研究人员的话来说,这些特殊的细胞“对我们在别人身上观察到的行为做出反应”,并且“当我们自己真正重现这种行为时,也会以同样的方式激发。” 6有趣的是,我们可以通过在脸上表达情绪来激起自己的情绪。在一项有趣的研究中,科学家发现,在阳光明媚的天气里不戴太阳镜在户外行走的人更容易感到愤怒,因为他们总是眯着眼睛。我们在生气时往往会眯起眼睛,所以当我们因为其他原因眯起眼睛时,我们的大脑会捕捉到这种感觉,并真正触发愤怒的主观体验。7当你把太阳镜忘在家里时,你是否更容易出现路怒症?现在你知道原因了下次你需要向别人提出请求时,一定不要眯着眼睛,而是试着通过面部表情传达悲伤。这真的很有效!

Research has found that we can purposely arouse emotions in others by displaying those emotions on our faces, a phenomenon scientists call “mirroring.”5 This ability of ours derives from the presence in our brains of so-called mirror neurons, special cells that, in the words of one pair of researchers, “respond to actions that we observe in others” and “fire in the same way when we actually recreate that action ourselves.”6 Interestingly, we can arouse emotions within ourselves just by expressing them on our faces. In one fascinating study, scientists found that people who walk outside in sunny weather without wearing sunglasses experience anger more frequently because of all the squinting they do. We tend to squint when we’re angry, so when we squint from some other cause, our brains pick that up and actually trigger the subjective experience of anger.7 Do you tend to experience road rage more when you leave your sunglasses at home? Now you know why. The next time you need to make a request of someone, be sure not to squint, and try instead to convey sadness via your facial expressions. It really works!

了解七大情绪表达的第三个原因是,这样可以更好地了解自己的习惯,特别是那些可能不适合自己的习惯。所谓的“臭脸”(RBF)概念在流行文化中广为流传,一些批评家认为它是性别歧视。8研究人员已经确定,RBF 实际上是一种“事物”,而且与术语相反,它并不局限于女性。在一项研究中,研究人员使用面部识别技术来区分情绪中性的面部表情和 RBF。他们发现,RBF 似乎传达了轻蔑的暗示,这是一种非常负面的情绪,被定义为“一种认为某人或某物不值得任何尊重或认可的感觉”。9 RBF微妙,但它传达的轻蔑足以让观众察觉到。10它们出现时,在社交场合中的含义可能非常负面。

A third reason to understand expressions of the Big Seven emotions is to become more aware of your own habits, particularly those that might not be working for you. The notion of so-called resting bitch face (RBF) has become widespread in popular culture, with some critics regarding it as sexist.8 Researchers have determined that RBF in fact is a “thing,” and contrary to the terminology, not at all limited to women. In one study, researchers used facial recognition technology to distinguish between an emotionally neutral face and RBF. They found that RBF seemed to convey hints of contempt, a highly negative emotion defined as “a feeling that someone or something is not worthy of any respect or approval.”9 RBF is subtle but it conveys enough contempt for viewers to pick up on it.10 When they do, the implications in social situations can be quite negative.

蔑视并不是我们可能无意中产生的唯一负面情绪盟友展示。我的一个学生拉莫娜是一位友善、极具魅力的年轻德国女性,她是一名尊巴舞教练。第一次见到她时,我以为她不会对我给班上布置的家庭作业有意见。但我错了:每次她试图开始对话并实现某个目标时,她都失败了。拉莫娜不知道为什么,让我观察她在公共场所与陌生人交谈的情况。我只花了几分钟就诊断出问题所在。拉莫娜没有意识到,她通过面部表情表达了看似愤怒的东西,疏远了其他人并促使他们做出负面反应。

Contempt isn’t the only negative emotion we might unintentionally display. One student of mine, Ramona, was a friendly, highly attractive, young German woman who worked as a Zumba instructor. Upon first meeting her, I thought she would have no problem with the homework assignments I gave the class. I was wrong: every time she tried to start a conversation and achieve some objective, she failed. Ramona had no clue why and asked me to observe her as she spoke with strangers in a public place. It took me only a few minutes to diagnose the problem. Without realizing it, Ramona was expressing what appeared to be anger via her facial expressions, alienating others and prompting them to react negatively.

在与她交流时,我们发现她对作业感到紧张,因为她决心要做好,而这种紧张情绪在她的脸上表现为愤怒。一旦拉莫娜开始故意在脸上表现出快乐而不是愤怒,其他人就会对她产生好感,她也能顺利完成作业。上完我们的课后,她将这种调整转移到了日常生活中,效果非常好。课程结束后的几年里,拉莫娜给我写信,热情洋溢地讲述了她在人际关系中看到的变化。长期以来,她一直在不知不觉中表达愤怒和厌恶,甚至主观上没有感受到这种情绪。现在她已经养成了表达快乐的习惯,每个人都把她看作一个热情、友好、平易近人的人。

Debriefing with her, we discovered she felt nervous about the assignments because she was determined to do well, and this intensity was manifesting itself on her face as anger. Once Ramona began to purposely evoke happiness on her face instead of anger, others warmed up to her and she nailed the assignments. After finishing our class, she transferred this adjustment to her everyday life, to great effect. For years after the class ended, Ramona wrote me raving about the differences she was seeing in her relationships. For so long, she had been conveying a sense of anger and also disgust without knowing it or even feeling that emotion subjectively. Now that she had made a habit of conveying happiness, everyone was seeing her as a warm, friendly, approachable person.

发现并表达七大

Spotting and Expressing the Big Seven

为了进一步让你熟悉这七种情绪,让我们逐一介绍一下。在每种情况下,我都会描述相关情绪如何在我们的脸上表现出来,并穿插一些额外的非面部肢体语言描述,以进一步传达情绪。我在这里的讨论主要借鉴了 Ekman 博士的工作,他与我合作撰写了我之前关于非语言的书籍《揭开社交的面具》工程师。根据我自己的经验,我还将提供一些关于如何在日常黑客攻击情况下处理这些情绪的建议。

To further familiarize you with the Big Seven, let’s run through them one by one. In each case, I’ll describe how the emotion in question comes to life on our faces, weaving in some descriptions of additional, nonfacial body language that further conveys the emotion. My discussion here draws heavily on the work of Dr. Ekman, who collaborated with me on my earlier book about nonverbals, Unmasking the Social Engineer. Drawing on my own experiences, I’ll also offer some advice on how to work with these emotions in everyday hacking situations.

情绪#1:愤怒

Emotion #1: Anger

当一个人感到愤怒时,他们的面部肌肉会变得紧张。他们的眉毛会皱起来,嘴唇会紧闭,但不会撅起来,他们会怒视愤怒的对象。他们身体的其他部位也会变得紧张,尤其是拳头会紧握,下巴也会紧绷。他们的胸部会鼓起,头部和下巴会向前倾。如果他们真的很生气,而且很有攻击性,他们会低下下巴。他们的声音会变得更刺耳,通常也会更响亮。

When a person feels angry, their facial muscles tend to tense up. Their eyebrows become furrowed, their lips tighten without puckering, and they glare at the object of their anger. Other parts of their bodies tighten as well, notably the fists, which become clenched, and the jaw. Their chest puffs out, and their head and chin push forward. If they’re really angry and aggressive, they will lower their chin. Their voice becomes harsher and usually louder.

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马克·吐温将愤怒比作酸,指出它“对盛放它的容器的伤害比对浇灌它的任何东西的伤害都大”。11拉尔夫·沃尔多·爱默生指出,“你每如果你生气,你就失去了 60 秒的平静时间。” 12幸运的是,人类黑客没有表现出愤怒的必要。虽然你可能希望策略性地唤起其他情绪,但最好避免表现出愤怒,因为这种情绪往往是暴力或恶语的入口。如果你发现别人生气,你可能会试图缓解这种愤怒,如果你不能缓和局势,你就准备逃跑。“哇,”你可能会说,向后退,放低肩膀和手,“你看起来真的很难过。有什么问题吗?”表达关切,但不要以敌对或攻击性的方式指责别人的愤怒,因为这可能会让他们感到尴尬和进一步愤怒。检查自己,确保你没有无意或无意识地表现出愤怒,因为即使是很小的非语言表达也可能加速局势的发展。如果你看到一个人低下下巴,可能已经来不及逃跑了。这通常不仅是愤怒的迹象,也是对方即将采取暴力的迹象——即将挥拳相向,或采取更糟糕的行动。在这种情况下,如果你被困住,无法立即逃脱,那么先发制人,迅速逃离。

Mark Twain likened anger to an acid, noting that it “can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”11 Ralph Waldo Emerson noted, “For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.”12 Fortunately, human hackers have no great need to appear—or become—angry. Although you might wish to evoke other emotions strategically, it’s best to avoid projecting anger, as this emotion often serves as a gateway to physical violence or harsh speech. If you spot anger in others, you might try to ease that anger, readying yourself to make your escape if you can’t deescalate the situation. “Wow,” you might say, backing up and lowering your shoulders and hands, “you seem really upset. Is something wrong?” Express concern, but don’t call someone out on their anger in a hostile or aggressive way, as that might embarrass and further anger them. Check yourself to ensure that you’re not inadvertently or unconsciously appearing angry, since even small nonverbal expressions could serve to accelerate the situation. If you see a person lower their chin, it might be too late for escape. That’s usually a sign not just of anger but of imminent violence on the other person’s part—a punch about to be thrown, or something worse. In that case, if you’re trapped and can’t make an immediate escape, strike first and get away quick.

情绪#2:恐惧

Emotion #2: Fear

当我们面对一种我们认为具有威胁性的刺激时,我们往往会僵住身体。我们的眉毛向上扬起,眼睛睁得大大的,仔细观察眼前的景象。我们的嘴巴张开,嘴唇向耳朵方向收缩,就好像在说“哇!”通常,我们会发出喘息声,吸入氧气。我们的颈部、上脸和手部的肌肉紧张,迫使血液流入其中。肾上腺素涌入我们的血液。所有这些都是对恐惧的生物反应,让我们要么逃跑,要么战斗。

When confronted with a stimulus we perceive to be threatening, we tend to freeze our bodies in place. Our eyebrows move upward and we open our eyes super-wide to take in the scene. Our mouths open and our lips pull pack toward our ears, almost as if we’re saying, “Eeeeek!” Often, we’ll audibly gasp, taking in oxygen. Our muscles in our neck, upper face, and hands tense, forcing blood into them. Adrenaline pumps into our bloodstreams. All of this is a biological response to fear, one that primes us to either flee or fight.

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作为人类黑客,我们可能经常发现向他人灌输轻微的恐惧是有帮助的。如果你试图说服兄弟姐妹帮助你妈妈的医疗账单,唤起悲伤(作为产生同情的途径)可能是最好的方法,但你也可能希望唤起对妈妈病情的一点担忧,说这样的话:“我希望妈妈得到最好的治疗,如果我们不给她最好的治疗,我担心她的生活质量。”然而,如果引起太多的恐惧(比如说,“如果你不给我开一张一万美元的支票,妈妈会在三个月内死去”),你就有可能操纵你的兄弟姐妹。你让他们处于一种极度不舒服的状态,知道他们会采取几乎任何行动——即使是违背他们自身最佳利益的行动——只是为了减轻痛苦。

As hackers of humans, we might often find it helpful to instill mild fear in others. If you’re trying to convince a sibling to help you out with Mom’s medical bills, evoking sadness (as the route to empathy) might be the best approach, but you might also wish to evoke a bit of worry as well about Mom’s condition, saying something like, “I want the best for Mom, and I worry about her quality of life if we don’t get her the best care.” Arouse too much fear, however (by saying something like, “Mom will die within three months if you don’t write me a check for ten thousand dollars”), and you risk manipulating your sibling. You’re putting them in a state of great discomfort, knowing they will take almost any action—even one that runs contrary to their own best interest—just to ease the pain.

在许多其他情况下,如果你尽量不表现出恐惧,你的表现会更好。如果你走进老板的办公室,要求休三周假,你脸上的任何紧张情绪都可能表现为恐惧,这反过来又会引起老板的恐惧。他们会开始关注自己的担忧,比如你的假期会带来什么影响对你的客户和同事。恐惧会影响他们的决策,可能会导致负面反应。

In many other situations, you’ll perform better if you try not to convey fear. If you walk into your boss’s office requesting a three-week vacation, any nervousness you feel might come across on your face as fear, which in turn might evoke fear in your boss. They’ll begin to focus on their own concerns, such as the impact your vacation will have on your clients and colleagues. Fear will shape their decision making, possibly leading to a negative response.

请记住,如果你真的害怕,最好的办法可能是不要隐藏它,即使以其他方式表达恐惧并不理想。在一项引人入胜的研究中,科学家发现,我们周围的人实际上可以感觉到我们何时感到害怕或“情绪紧张”,无论我们是否公开承认我们的恐惧。我们的身体会在汗液中释放出化学标记物,研究人员已经记录下来,我们周围人的大脑部分会对此作出反应,对可能的威胁保持警惕。13如果你在试图影响某人时感到害怕,而你假装自己没有害怕,那么你就会损害你在他们心目中的信誉,因为在某种(可能是无意识的)层面上,他们会知道你害怕。

Bear in mind, if you’re actually afraid, your best move is probably not to hide it, even if conveying fear otherwise wouldn’t be ideal. In a fascinating body of research, scientists have discovered that people around us actually sense when we’re afraid or “emotionally stressed,” whether we acknowledge our fear openly or not. Our bodies give off chemical markers in our sweat, and as researchers have documented, parts of the brain in people around us perk up in response, alert to possible threats.13 If you feel afraid when trying to influence someone and you pretend you’re not, you’ll erode your credibility with them because on some (possibly nonconscious) level they’ll know you’re afraid.

你最好承认自己的感受,但要以一种不违背借口、不引起防御性反应的方式。如果你要求兄弟姐妹帮忙支付妈妈的医疗费用,并采用关心和同情的家庭成员的借口,不要说:“我想和你谈谈妈妈的事,但说实话,我真的很紧张,因为你经常发脾气,我不知道你会有什么反应。”相反,你应该这样说:“我想和你谈谈妈妈的事,但我很紧张——这对我来说是个很难的话题,我非常情绪化。”

You’re better off acknowledging how you feel, doing so in a way that doesn’t break with your pretext and elicit a defensive response. If you’re asking your sibling to help with Mom’s medical bills and adopting the pretext of the concerned and empathetic family member, don’t say, “I want to talk to you about Mom, but to be honest, I’m really nervous, because you often blow your top and I don’t know how you’ll react.” Rather, say something like, “I want to talk to you about Mom, but I’m nervous about it—it’s just a difficult subject for me and I’m super emotional.”

如果您向某人提出请求并发现对方有恐惧感,请重新考虑您的方法或采取行动以减少恐惧感。几年前,我站在一家超市的停车场,看到一位老妇人走向她的车时,口袋里掉了一叠钱。我慢跑过去,捡起钱,然后走到那位女士身边把钱还给她。当我走近时,她背对着我,正在把杂货装进后备箱。毫无预兆地,我拍了拍她的肩膀,脱口而出:“对不起,女士。”当她转过身时,她看到一个身材高大得多的男人正站在她面前,她大吃一惊。她不仅脸上露出恐惧的表情,还尖叫道:“我被抢劫了!我被抢劫了!”

If you approach someone with a request and detect fear, rethink your approach or take action to reduce the fear. Years ago, I stood in a supermarket parking lot and watched as a wad of money dropped from the pocket of an elderly woman as she walked to her car. I jogged over, picked up the money, and then walked over to the woman to return it to her. She had her back to me as I approached and was loading her groceries in her trunk. With no warning, I tapped her on the shoulder and blurted out, “Excuse me, ma’am.” When she turned, she saw this much larger man standing right in her face and was shocked. Not only did her face show fear, she screamed, “I’m being mugged! I’m being mugged!”

三个身穿猎装的魁梧男子听到她的声音,跑过来与我对峙。我吓坏了——我不知道这三个人是否持枪。换成另一个人,我可能会忍不住做出防御反应。他可能会与这三个人对峙,并咄咄逼人地说:“嘿,伙计们,往后退。”我选择缓和局势。我没有面对那三个男人,而是专注于那位女士,试图通过言语和非语言来消除她的恐惧。我向后退了一大步,稍微垂下肩膀以表示顺从,然后说:“好的,请冷静下来。”我把现金举到眼睛的高度,另一只手也放在视线范围内。我压低声音说:“女士,我很抱歉吓到了您。您离开商店时把这个掉了。我只是想把它还给您。”她摸了摸口袋,意识到钱丢了。她从我手中拿回钱,并连声感谢我。这时我才转身对那三个人说:“看到了吗?没有抢劫。我慢慢走开了。”这真是惊险万分,但我对非语言的意识让我化解了一个潜在的危险误会。

Three burly guys in hunting jackets heard her and ran over to confront me. I in turn was terrified—I had no idea if these three were armed. Another guy in my position might have felt tempted to react defensively. He might have confronted the three men and aggressively said, “Hey, back the hell up, guys.” I chose instead to deescalate the situation. Instead of facing the men, I remained focused on the woman and tried to diminish her fear via my speech and nonverbals. Taking a big step back, slumping my shoulders slightly to indicate submissiveness, I said, “Okay, please just calm down.” I held out the cash at eye level while keeping my other hand visible. Lowering my voice, I said, “Ma’am, I’m really sorry I startled you. You dropped this as you were leaving the store. I was just returning it to you.” Feeling in her pocket, she realized she had lost her money. Retrieving it from me, she thanked me profusely. Only then did I turn to the three men and say, “See? No mugging. I’m walking away slowly.” It was a close call, but my awareness of nonverbals allowed me to resolve a potentially dangerous misunderstanding.

情绪#3:惊讶

Emotion #3: Surprise

为了表达惊讶,我们会抬起眉毛,睁大眼睛,喘息,就像我们害怕时那样。但是,虽然我们会将嘴唇向后拉向耳朵来表达恐惧,但我们会通过将嘴巴张成 O 形来引起惊讶。最初当我们感到惊讶时,我们倾向于向后靠。如果我们遇到一个快乐的惊喜,比如有人跳出来对我们喊“惊喜!”,我们往往会向后靠并微笑。否则,我们会继续向前倾身。感到惊讶的人也会举起双手做好准备,用手捂住胸部,或捂住脖子后面(胸骨上切迹)。

To express surprise, we raise our eyebrows, open our eyes super-wide, and gasp, as we do with fear. But whereas we pull our lips back toward our ears to convey fear, we evoke surprise by forming our mouth into an O-shape. Initially when we’re surprised, we have a tendency to lean back. If we experience a happy surprise, such as people jumping out at us and shouting, “SURPRISE!,” we tend to lean back in and smile. Otherwise, we continue to lean out. People who feel surprised also put their hands up at the ready, cover their chest with their hands, or cover the back of their neck (suprasternal notch).

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出其不意往往对人类黑客有利。我闯入一栋大楼时遇到了一位接待员,她判断从她红肿的眼睛中可以看出,她似乎哭过。当她问我有什么可以帮到她的时候,我问她还好吗。这让她痛苦地叹了口气,于是我退出了黑客模式,问她出了什么问题。她回忆说,她和丈夫刚刚庆祝了他们的二十周年结婚纪念日,她丈夫给了她一对昂贵的钻石耳环。“他为这对耳环存了两年的钱,”她说,“我今天戴着它们去上班炫耀。我弄丢了其中一只。”说到这里,她放声大哭,肩膀起伏颤抖。

Surprise can often work to a human hacker’s advantage. I was breaking into a building and encountered a receptionist who, judging from her red, puffy eyes, appeared to have been crying. When she inquired how she could help me, I asked if she was okay. That evoked a pained sigh, so I stepped out of hacker mode and asked what was wrong. She recounted that she and her husband had just celebrated their twentieth anniversary, and her husband had given her an expensive pair of diamond earrings. “He’d been saving two years for them,” she said, “and I wore them into work today to show them off. I lost one of them.” At that, she broke out into sobs, her shoulders heaving and shaking.

“好吧,”我说,“我们去找找吧。”我双手双膝跪地,仔细检查了她的办公桌周围。

“Well,” I said, “let’s look for it.” I got down on my hands and knees and scoured the area around her desk.

“我已经看过了,”她说。

“I already looked there,” she said.

“当然,但也许第二双眼睛会有所不同。”

“Sure, but maybe a second set of eyes will make a difference.”

她和我一起坐在地板上,也看着。几分钟后,一束光线恰好照到她的身上,我看到了闪光。“嘿,”我说,“我不想太主动地碰你,但你检查过你的毛衣了吗?我刚刚看到你肩膀后面有东西在闪闪发光。”她允许我伸手摸她的肩膀,果然,耳环就在那里,卡在一块褶皱的布料里。我把它拿出来递给她。她的嘴巴张成了一个经典的 O 形,代表着极度的惊讶、喜悦和纯粹的兴奋。

She joined me on the floor and looked as well. After several minutes, a ray of light happened to catch her body, and I saw something glimmer. “Hey,” I said, “I don’t want to be too forward and touch you, but have you checked your sweater? I just saw something glimmer on the back of your shoulder.” She gave me permission to reach over and touch her shoulder, and sure enough, there was the earring, stuck in a fold of fabric. I pulled it out and presented it to her. Her mouth made a classic O of intense surprise mingled with delight and then sheer elation.

她给了我一个大大的拥抱,然后我们一起站了起来。“哇,”她一边说,一边处理着耳环,“我们花了十五分钟才找到这个。”听到这里,我忍不住又回到了黑客模式。从她惊讶的表情来看,我刚刚给了她一份不可思议的礼物。我可以要求任何东西,而且很可能得到积极的回应。“哦,糟糕,”我看了一眼手表说。“我要迟到了,人力资源部的会议。”我抓起东西,朝门口走去,祈祷她会直接给我开门,而不必费心检查我的身份证并给我发放徽章,因为她应该这样做。果然,她做到了。

She gave me a big hug, and we both stood up. “Wow,” she said, as she handled the earring, “we’ve just spent fifteen minutes looking for this.” At that, I couldn’t help but go back into hacker mode. Judging from the look of surprise, I had just given her an incredible gift. I could ask for anything and probably receive a positive response. “Oh, crap,” I said, glancing at my watch. “I’m late for my meeting at HR.” I grabbed my stuff and made for the door, praying that she’d just buzz me in without bothering to check my ID and issue me a badge, as she was supposed to do. Sure enough, she did.

如果你发现生活中的某人惊讶,那么这可能代表着你的机会,假设这个惊讶是积极的。如果这是一个消极的惊讶,而且是你造成的,那么重新评估你的方法,看看你是否在某种程度上引发了恐惧。你也可以投射你自己的惊讶感,以达到良好的效果。如果有人分享了一个有趣的事实,而你希望他们感到被认可,你可能会有一种倾向(就像许多人一样)用一个更好的事实来超越这个事实。克制住这种冲动,而是露出惊讶的表情,说“哦,哇,我不知道。太酷了!”他们的认可感可能会促使你努力建立融洽的关系,并最终获得你想要的东西。

If you find someone in your life reacting with surprise, it could represent an opportunity for you, assuming that the surprise is a positive one. If it’s a negative surprise and you caused it, reassess your approach to see if you’re prompting fear in some way. You can also project your own feelings of surprise to good effect. If someone shares an interesting fact and you wish them to feel validated, you might feel an inclination (as many people do) to top that fact with an even better one. Fight that urge, and instead flash a look of surprise while saying something like, “Oh, wow, I didn’t know that. How cool!” Their sense of validation might boost your efforts to build rapport and, eventually, obtain something that you desire.

情绪#4:厌恶

Emotion #4: Disgust

为了表达厌恶,我们会皱起鼻子,收紧鼻子两侧的肌肉。在极端情况下,我们可能还会拉下眉毛,放松嘴巴,同时拉起上唇。有时人们会眯起眼睛来表达厌恶,但这其实与鼻子两侧的肌肉有关。当你收缩这些肌肉时,你会发现呼吸困难。这是因为你的身体阻止了难闻的气味与你的嗅觉受体接触。表达厌恶的人也会转过头、遮住眼睛,并用手捂住嘴或鼻子。

To convey disgust, we wrinkle our noses by tightening the muscles on either side of it. In extreme cases we might also pull our eyebrows down and loosen our mouths while pulling up our upper lips. Sometimes people squint in an effort to evoke disgust, but it’s really about those muscles on the sides of your nose. When you flex those muscles, you’ll find that you have a hard time breathing. That’s because your body is blocking offensive odors from coming into contact with your olfactory receptors. People expressing disgust also turn their heads away, block their eyes, and cover their mouth or nose with their hands.

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小心不要激起别人的厌恶情绪。这是一种非常强烈的情感——事实上,这种情感强烈到可以伴随我们很多年。通常,激起厌恶情绪不会对你有帮助,但有时它可以。如果你试图让你的母亲帮你换你襁褓中的儿子的尿布,而你正在帮你的另一个小孩穿衣服,你可能会想象你的儿子坐在脏尿布里是多么不愉快,脸上流露出厌恶的表情。然后当你想象你的儿子会多么香甜可口、多么可爱时,脸上会露出微笑一旦换好尿布,你就会明白妈妈能给孩子带来什么。你将以一种直截了当、情感上强有力的方式概述了妈妈能带来的积极影响,让她更有可能想要换尿布并帮助你。

Be cautious about evoking disgust in others. It’s an extremely strong emotion—so strong, in fact, that it can stay with us for years afterward. Usually, evoking disgust won’t help you, but on occasion it can. If you’re trying to get your mother to help you change your infant son’s diaper while you’re helping your other small child get dressed, you might evoke how unpleasant it will be for your son to sit there in a dirty diaper, flashing disgust on your face. Then transition to a smile as you evoke how sweet smelling and cuddly your son will be once his diaper is changed. You will have outlined the positive impact your mother can have in a stark, emotionally powerful way, leaving her more likely to want to change that diaper and help you out.

情绪#5:蔑视

Emotion #5: Contempt

许多人将厌恶与蔑视混为一谈。我们通常对某个行为或事物感到厌恶,但对某个人却总是感到蔑视。与厌恶不同,蔑视意味着道德判断和对可蔑视对象的优越感。两性关系专家约翰·戈特曼博士的研究发现,蔑视是预测已婚夫妇是否离婚的最重要因素。一对夫妇可能会对彼此感到愤怒、怨恨或沮丧——这已经够糟糕了。但如果一对夫妇对彼此感到根深蒂固的道德优越感,那么这段婚姻就注定要失败。仔细想想,这很有道理。你怎么能与一个在道德上比你优越的人幸福地结婚呢?反之亦然,而且他可能也以同样的方式对待你?正如戈特曼研究所网站上的一篇文章所宣称的那样,“蔑视是所有关系杀手中最毒的。我们怎么强调这一点都不为过。蔑视会摧毁心理、情感和身体健康。” 14

Many people confuse disgust with contempt. Whereas we usually feel disgust toward an action or object, we always feel contempt toward a person. Unlike disgust, contempt implies a moral judgment and a feeling of superiority over the contemptible object. Research by relationships expert Dr. John Gottman found that contempt was the single most important factor predicting whether a married couple got divorced. A couple might feel angry, resentful, or frustrated with one another—that’s bad enough. But if a couple feels revulsion rooted in moral superiority toward one another, the marriage is doomed. It makes sense when you think about it. How can you remain happily married to someone who feels morally superior to you, or vice versa, and who is probably treating you accordingly? As a posting on the Gottman Institute’s website proclaimed, “Contempt is the most poisonous of all relationship killers. We cannot emphasize that enough. Contempt destroys psychological, emotional, and physical health.”14

蔑视是七大情绪中唯一一种会引起所谓单侧面部表情的情绪。当我们感到蔑视时,我们往往会通过抬起脸颊一侧来非常微妙地唤起这种感觉。我们的下巴也会向上倾斜,看起来就像在“瞧不起”别人。同时,我们的身体往往会变得臃肿,姿势更加挺拔和霸道。

Contempt is the only one of the Big Seven emotions that gives rise to a so-called unilateral facial expression. When we feel contempt, we tend to evoke it very subtly by raising the cheek on one side of our face. Our chin also tilts upward, and we appear to be “looking down our nose” at another person. Meanwhile, our bodies tend to become puffed up, our postures more erect and domineering.

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蔑视是如此消极,以至于我无法想象在日常生活中黑客会想要唤起这种情绪。这样做几乎不可能让遇到你的人过得更好。如果有人对你表现出蔑视,请小心:就像愤怒一样,蔑视往往是暴力的入口,正如我们经常在仇外心理、种族主义、反犹太主义和其他形式的部落仇恨。

Contempt is so negative that I can’t think of a scenario in everyday life when a hacker of humans would want to evoke it. It would be virtually impossible to do so and still leave people better off for having met you. And if someone flashes contempt at you, beware: like anger, contempt is often a gateway to violence, as we often see in relation to xenophobia, racism, anti-Semitism, and other forms of tribal hatred.

情绪#6:悲伤

Emotion #6: Sadness

与愤怒和恐惧等情绪相比,悲伤的面部肌肉会变得紧绷,而悲伤的面部肌肉则会变得松弛或柔和。我们通过眼睑下垂和嘴角下垂来引起悲伤的轻微形式(以及相关的焦虑或担忧)。同时,我们会将眉毛的内角向内向上拉。至于我们身体的其他部位,悲伤往往会使我们的体格变弱,使我们变得更小。我们会低下头,垂下肩膀,双臂交叉,甚至似乎拥抱自己,使我们的整体姿势变得更柔和、更安静。

Compared with emotions like anger and fear, which involve a tightening of facial muscles, sadness entails a slackening or softening. We evoke mild forms of it (and relatedly, of anxiety or worry) by causing our eyelids to droop and the corners of our mouths to turn down. Meanwhile, we pull the inner corners of our eyebrows in and up. As for the rest of our bodies, sadness tends to diminish us physically, make us smaller. We lower our heads, droop our shoulders, fold our arms together, or even seem to hug ourselves, rendering our overall postures softer and quieter.

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正如我们所见,我们可以在人类黑客攻击过程中利用悲伤来为自己谋利,但至关重要的是,我们必须限制自己唤起轻微的悲伤或担忧,以引起他人的同情。皱眉、流泪或可听见的哭泣引起的极度悲伤会给别人带来不适,使我们更难让他们因为遇见我们而过得更好。如果你感觉到别人的悲伤,试着自己也表现出来。降低你的声音,垂下肩膀,说话慢一点,因为所有这些都有助于表达关心和关注。从人道主义人类黑客的角度来看,在试图确定原因以及你是否能提供帮助时,你也不会出错。至少,你会和某人建立一点融洽的关系,并向他们表明你关心他们。你可能会让自己处于一个对那个人的生活产生更好影响的位置,然后你可能会利用它(如果你处于黑客模式)来获得你想要的东西。

As we’ve seen, we can deploy sadness to our advantage during human hacking exploits, but it’s vital that we restrict ourselves to evoking mild sadness or worry for the sake of triggering empathy in others. Extreme sadness evoked through frowning, tearing of the eyes, or audible sobbing will cause discomfort in others and make it harder for us to leave them better off for having met us. If you perceive sadness in someone else, try to mirror it yourself. Lower your voice, slump your shoulders, speak more slowly, as all of this helps show care and concern. You also can’t go wrong, both from a humanitarian and a human hacking standpoint, in trying to determine the cause and whether you can help. At the very least, you’ll build a bit of rapport with someone and show them that you care. You might put yourself in a position to impact that person’s life for the better, which you might then parlay (if you’re in hacker mode) into something you want.

情绪#7:幸福

Emotion #7: Happiness

我们以最积极的情绪——幸福——结束了对七大情绪的快速调查。我们当然会通过微笑来表达幸福,嘴角会向上移向太阳穴。当我们的脸颊上扬时,我们的眼睛会引发鱼尾纹。此外,我们倾向于膨胀或伸展身体,站得更高,下巴抬高,挺起胸膛,提高声音的节奏、速度、音量和音调。当我们快乐时,我们身体的所有方面似乎都在向上摆动。世界真棒!我们真棒!

We end our quick survey of the Big Seven with the most positive emotion of them all, happiness. We express happiness by smiling, of course, moving the corners of our lips up toward our temples. While our cheeks are rising, our eyes trigger what appears to be crow’s-feet. Further, we tend to inflate or expand our bodies, standing taller, moving our chins higher, puffing out our chests, and increasing the rhythm, speed, volume, and pitch of our voices. Everything about our physical presence appears to be on an upward swing when we’re happy. The world is fantastic! We’re fantastic!

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在许多情况下,当你试图实现目标,同时又想让别人因为遇见你而过得更好时,唤起快乐会对你大有裨益。然而,如果你遇到一个悲伤的人,而你却显得快活而乐观,你可能会给人留下麻木不仁的印象。一个刚刚失去挚爱父母并悲痛欲绝的人很可能不会因为一句“往好的方面想”的愉快劝告和一句善意的断言而感到安慰,比如“我知道你的感受”。你真的知道那个人的感受吗?那个人此刻是否准备好从情感上看到光明的一面?

In many situations when you’re trying to realize an objective while leaving people better off for having met you, evoking happiness will serve you well. However, if you encounter someone who is sad and you seem jovial and upbeat, you risk coming across as insensitive. A person who has just lost a beloved parent and is grieving likely won’t feel comforted by a cheerful exhortation to “look on the bright side,” accompanied by a well-meaning assertion such as, “I know how you’re feeling.” Do you really know how that person is feeling? Is that person in the moment going to feel prepared emotionally to look on the bright side?

不要表现出快乐,而要问一些问题,让悲伤的人回忆起快乐的时光,比如“你爸爸最喜欢的爱好是什么?”或“你妈妈喜欢什么类型的电影?”有时候,一个人太悲伤了,即使是这种策略也无济于事。在这种情况下,不要试图让对方更快乐。只要和他们坐在一起就行了。如果你们的关系融洽,在他们抽泣或哭泣时,用手臂搂住他们安慰他们。你可以用柔和的声音解释你在做什么,比如说,“我只是坐在这里陪你,因为我现在可能说不出什么能安慰你的话。”

Instead of projecting happiness, ask questions that prompt the grieving person to remember happy memories themselves, such as “What was your dad’s favorite hobby?” or “What kinds of movies did your mom like?” Sometimes a person is so sad that even this tactic won’t help. In that case, forget about trying to nudge the person toward more happiness. Just sit with them. If appropriate given your level of rapport, put your arm around them to comfort them as they sob or cry. In a soft voice, you might explain what you’re doing, saying something like, “I’m just going to sit here with you because there’s probably nothing that I can say that’s going to comfort you right now.”

如果你正在寻求某人的帮助,而那个人的非语言传达了快乐,那么你自己也可以唤起快乐来建立联系。一个感到快乐的人通常会感到自信你会在当下感到不开心,对他人的需求缺乏同理心。如果你在提出请求的过程中唤起轻微的悲伤和同理心,你会给人留下扫兴的印象。和快乐的人交流一会儿,问他们问题,让他们回忆发生在他们身上的所有美好事情。分享他们的快乐,从中获得真正的快乐。过了一会儿,当对方问你过得怎么样时,你可以开始把话题转向你的请求。你是想让他们因为遇见你而过得更好,如果你不能帮助他们维持第一次遇到你时的快乐感觉,他们就不会感觉更好。

If you’re seeking a favor from someone and that person’s nonverbals are communicating happiness, evoke happiness yourself to build a connection. A person who is feeling happy will usually feel confident in the moment and less empathetic to others’ needs. If you evoke mild sadness and empathy in the course of making a request, you’ll come across as a killjoy. Engage with the happy person for a while, asking them questions and getting them to evoke all of the wonderful things that have happened to them. Share their joy, taking genuine pleasure in it. After a while, when the person asks how you’re doing, you can begin to move the conversation toward your request. You’re trying to leave them better off for having met you, and if you can’t help them sustain the happy feelings they had upon first encountering you, they won’t feel better off at all.

与 Big Seven 合作

Working with the Big Seven

要熟练掌握 Big Seven,你必须多加练习。首先要观察人们,特别注意他们如何使用身体,尤其是面部表情来表达自己。首先从前面描述的腹侧开始:

To build facility with the Big Seven, you have to practice. Begin by watching people, paying special attention to how they use their bodies and particularly their faces to express themselves. Start first with the ventrals described earlier:

去一个有大量人群的公共场所,例如商场的美食广场、公园或繁忙的星巴克。在关注面部表情之前,先注意一下人们的身体相对位置。当人们对彼此感兴趣时(无论是性兴趣还是其他方面),他们往往会将双脚和臀部对齐,直接面对对方,并且倾向于向对方倾斜。你能发现这种行为的例子吗?如果人们没有正视正在交谈的人,那又如何呢?

Go to a public place where a large number of people are milling around—a food court in a mall, for instance, a public park, or a busy Starbucks. Before paying attention to facial gestures, notice how people have placed their bodies relative to one another. When people are interested in one another (sexually or otherwise), they tend to align their feet and hips so they’re directly facing that person, and they tend to lean toward that person. Can you spot instances of such behavior? How about instances in which people are not squarely facing those with whom they’re speaking?

一旦你理解了这一点,就可以开始面部表情了:

Once you’ve got that down, move on to facial expressions:

远距离观察他人,这样你可以看到他们,但不能完全听清楚他们在说什么。观察他们的嘴巴是如何移动的。他们是撅起嘴唇吗?舔嘴唇?还是撅嘴?如果必须猜的话,你认为他们在说什么?他们在表达什么情绪?当你觉得自己很擅长观察面部表情时,试着观察听得见的谈话。你对面部表情的解读准确吗?一开始可能并不准确——你认为的撅嘴表示恼怒,但实际上可能只是一个人在认真思考某事时做出的手势。长期仔细观察可以帮助你更准确地区分非语言的情绪表达。

Observe people at a distance, so that you can see them but not quite make out what they’re saying. Watch how they move their mouths. Are they pursing their lips? Licking them? Puckering them? If you had to guess, what do you suppose they’re talking about? What emotions are they expressing? When you feel like you’re pretty adept at noticing facial expressions, try to observe a conversation that is within earshot. Were your interpretations of facial expressions accurate? They might not be at first—a lip puckering that you perceive as an expression of annoyance might simply be the gesture a person makes when they’re thinking seriously about something. Careful observation over time can help you distinguish nonverbal expressions of emotion more accurately.

然后自己练习发出 Big Seven 信号:

Then practice signaling the Big Seven yourself:

本周,每天花十五分钟左右的时间对着镜子练习七大情绪中的一种。每天选择一种不同的情绪,这样到周末,你就能练习完所有七种情绪。在做出这些表情时,注意你内心的感受。在花几分钟用你的面部和身体的其他部分唤起悲伤之后,你是否突然感到一阵悲伤?当你唤起愤怒时又会怎样?随着你越来越意识到你的非语言和情绪之间的联系,你将能够“训练”自己在特定情况下表现得更好。例如,知道你在约会时会感到紧张,你可以在约会前特意唤起快乐。

Each day this week, spend fifteen minutes or so practicing one of the Big Seven emotions in the mirror. Choose a different emotion each day so that by the end of the week you’ll have practiced all seven. As you make the expressions, notice how you’re feeling inside. Do you feel a sudden pang of sadness after spending a few minutes evoking sadness with your face and the rest of your body? How about when you evoke anger? As you become more aware of the connection between your nonverbals and your emotions, you’ll be able to “train” yourself to perform better in specific situations. For instance, knowing that you’re feeling nervous when going on a date, you might make a point of evoking happiness just before the encounter.

如果您要进行演示或预计需要就某个主题(例如销售宣传或工作面试)进行长篇大论的交流,请尝试以下方法:

If you’re going to give a presentation or anticipate some other encounter where you’ll need to speak at length on a given subject (a sales pitch, for instance, or a job interview), try the following:

在会面前一两周,提前录制自己的视频,观察和纠正可能无法传达您想要的情绪的非语言行为。您的肩膀是否耷拉着?您的拳头是否紧握?您看起来生气还是轻蔑?您对即将到来的会面、您将要演讲的人以及您要传达的想法有什么真实感受?如果您事先拍摄自己,您可能会对发现的结果感到惊讶。一旦您开始调整这些情绪细微差别,您同样会惊讶地发现您的演讲效果有多好。

A week or two before the encounter, video yourself beforehand to observe and correct nonverbals that might not convey your desired emotions. Are your shoulders slumped? Are your fists clenched? Do you appear angry or contemptuous? How do you really feel about the upcoming encounter, the people you’ll be presenting to, and the ideas you’re delivering? If you film yourself beforehand, you might be surprised at what you find. You’ll be equally surprised at how much better your presentations go once you start adjusting for these emotional nuances.

随着你对非语言的了解越来越深入,请牢记这些知识的局限性。尽管你可能已经很擅长识别情绪,但你无法真正读懂别人的心思。非语言可以告诉你人们有某种感觉,但无法告诉你他们为什么会有这种感觉。如果你忽视了这一现实,你就会开始在解读中犯下一些相当严重的错误。

As you become more familiar with nonverbals, remain mindful of the limits of this knowledge. As adept as you might become at spotting emotions, you can’t really read another person’s mind. Nonverbals can tell you that people are feeling a certain way, but they can’t tell you why they are. If you lose sight of this reality, you’ll start to make some pretty significant errors in interpretation.

有一次,在我上课的时候,一个叫迈克的学生一直对我做鬼脸。我以为这是生气,并绞尽脑汁想弄明白我到底做了什么事冒犯了他。最后,在课间休息时,我问了迈克这件事。原来他不是生气。相反,他因为扭伤了背而感到疼痛。我或多或少正确地记录了迈克的情绪,因为我知道他因为某事而感到不安。但如果不问他,我就不知道问题出在哪里。我自己的假设完全错了。

On one occasion while I was teaching my class, a student named Mike kept grimacing at me. I interpreted it as anger and was at wit’s end trying to figure out what I was doing to offend him. Finally during a break in the class I asked Mike about it. It turned out he wasn’t angry. Rather, he was in pain because he had tweaked his back. I had registered Mike’s emotions more or less correctly in that I knew he was upset about something. But I had no clue what the problem was without asking him about it. My own assumptions were completely wrong.

如果你生活中的某人正在传达七大疾病之一了解原因后,向他们询问,而不是简单地做出假设,这会对你有所帮助。但要以敏感和尊重的方式提问。如果我当着全班同学的面公开指责迈克,我可能会让他难堪。我们的感情非常私密,而我会将他的感情暴露给外界。找一个私密的地方,以一种好奇和同理心的方式提出你的问题,而不是咄咄逼人或指责的方式。

If someone in your life is communicating one of the Big Seven and it would help you to know why, ask them about it rather than simply making assumptions. But ask in a sensitive and respectful way. If I had called out Mike publicly in front of the class, I might have embarrassed him. Our feelings are very private, and I would have been exposing his to the outside world. Find a private place and pose your questions in a way that is curious and empathetic rather than aggressive or accusatory.

如果我们倾向于妄下结论,那么我们还必须认识到,每个人出于不同的原因和以独特的方式运用非语言表达。我为“七大行为准则”提供的一般规则仅仅是规则而已。也有例外。如果你发现远处有一个男人双臂交叉在身上,快步向你走来,并且一脸坏笑,你可能会认为他生气了或者不开心。但如果他只是觉得冷呢?如果他感觉累了或者身体不舒服呢?如果他的肩膀受伤了,这样走路更舒服呢?如果他的衬衫袖子太短,他又很在意袖子看起来会怎样,所以他交叉双臂来掩饰呢?

If we’re tempted to jump to conclusions, we must also recognize that individuals can deploy nonverbals in idiosyncratic ways and for their own disparate reasons. The general rules I provided for the Big Seven are simply that—rules. Exceptions also exist. If you spot a man at a distance walking quickly toward you with his arms folded across his body and sporting a pronounced resting bitch face expression, you might presume he’s angry or otherwise unhappy. But what if he’s simply cold? What if he’s feeling tired or under the weather? What if he injured his shoulder and it feels more comfortable to walk that way? What if the sleeves on his shirt are too short and he’s self-conscious about how that might look, so he’s folding his arms to hide it?

有一个简单的技巧,可以确保你对面部表情或其他肢体语言的解读更加准确。当你第一次见到某人时,不要对他们的情绪状态做出判断,而只是观察他们的行为,包括他们的面部表情、他们的身体姿势和他们的语调(节奏、速度、音量、音调)。这将成为你的基线观察。当你开始与他们相遇时,注意偏离基线的变化。如果一个男人快步向你走来,如果他发现附近有一个女人,就停下来,把臀部转向她,你可以相当肯定她已经成功激起了他(性或非性)的兴趣和注意力。如果他不停下脚步,那他就不感兴趣。如果他停下脚步,但只是短暂地转向她,那他就有点兴趣。

There’s a simple trick you can use with anyone to ensure that your reading of facial expressions or other body language is more accurate. When you first meet someone, suspend judgment about their emotional state and simply observe their behavior, including their facial expressions, how they carry their body, and their tone of voice (rhythm, speed, volume, pitch). This becomes your baseline observation. As you begin an encounter with them, notice changes that depart from the baseline. In the case of the man walking briskly toward you, if he spots a woman nearby, stops, and turns his hips toward her, you can be fairly sure that she’s succeeded in arousing his (sexual or nonsexual) interest and attention. If he doesn’t stop walking, he’s not interested. If he stops walking but turns to her only briefly, he’s mildly interested.

基线技术不仅适用于陌生人,也适用于其他人我们都知道。假设我下班回家,发现妻子坐在桌边。她交叉双臂,皱着眉头,盯着电脑屏幕。这些非语言行为可能表明她生气或心烦意乱,但另一方面,她可能只是在专心阅读。通过观察她情绪的变化,我就能很快判断我的言语或行为是否引起了她的共鸣。假设我冲进去对她说:“嘿!我今天过得很愉快!一切都很棒!”如果她生气或心烦意乱,我的愉快可能只会惹恼她。我可以看到她皱起眉头的程度加深了。也许她的胳膊会紧握。提醒自己:“我搞砸了。她不开心。”另一方面,如果我更平静地走过去,降低声音,问她今天过得怎么样,我可能会看到她张开双臂,眉毛上流露出悲伤而不是愤怒。提醒自己:“哎哟。今天发生了一些不好的事情。”这可能会促使我问一两个后续问题来找出问题所在。

The baseline technique helps not just with strangers but with people we know well. Let’s say I come home from work to find my wife sitting at the table. She’s staring at her computer screen with her arms crossed and her brows furrowed. These nonverbals might indicate that she’s angry or otherwise upset, but on the other hand, she might simply be engaged with what she’s reading. Noting her baseline, I can quickly determine how my speech or action is resonating with her by observing changes. Let’s say I charge in and say, “Hey! I had a great day today! Everything was awesome!” If she’s angry or upset, my joviality might have only annoyed her. I can expect to see her brows furrow more. Maybe her arms will clench. Note to self: “I just screwed up. She’s not happy.” On the other hand, if I approach more calmly, lower my voice, and ask her about her day, I might see her arms unfold and her brows evoke sadness instead of anger. Note to self: “Uh-oh. Something bad has happened today.” That might prompt me to ask a follow-up question or two to identify the problem.

如果你养成了注意别人底线的习惯,你也许能更好地发现潜在的谎言,因为你现在更仔细地观察别人了。假设你和我面对面,我问你是否喜欢我给你买的那盒精美的巧克力。如果你一边说“是的,它们棒极了。是我吃过的最好的巧克力之一”,一边轻轻摇头,表示“不”,那么你的非语言表达就与言语表达不一致了。你撒谎了吗?这种明显的差异是一个警告信号,但我也不确定。也许你喜欢大多数巧克力,但你无法忍受装满橙子利口酒的巧克力,这就是模棱两可的信号的原因。为了更好地判断你是否在撒谎,我希望跟进更多关于橙子利口酒的对话。如果我听到你说:“是的,我给了我的孩子橙色的,我只是不喜欢那些”,我可能会更好地理解造成这种不一致的原因。如果尽管进行了足够的询问,我仍然无法解释这种不一致,那么你很可能在撒谎。

If you get in the habit of noticing people’s baselines, you might also be in a better position to spot potential falsehoods, simply because you’re now observing people more closely. Let’s say you and I are facing one another, and I ask if you liked the fancy box of chocolates I bought for you. If you shake your head slightly no as you say, “Yeah, they were fantastic. Some of the best I’ve ever had,” your nonverbals are at odds with your speech. Did you lie? The apparent discrepancy is a warning sign, but I don’t know for sure. Maybe you liked most of the chocolates, but you couldn’t stand the one filled with orange liqueur, and that accounts for the ambiguous signals. To get a better sense if you are lying, I’d want to follow up with more conversation about the orange liqueur. If I hear you say, “Yeah, I gave my kids the orange ones, I’m just not into those,” I might have a better sense of what might have accounted for the incongruency. If despite sufficient questioning I still can’t explain the incongruency, it may well be that you’re lying.

练习观察他人,培养这种技能,但不要过度解读他们的肢体语言似乎在表达什么。你问的后续问题非常重要。如果你不问这些问题,你经常会误解,从而影响他人的能力。

Practice observing others, develop that skill, but don’t overinterpret what their body language seems to be saying. So much rides on the follow-up questions you ask. If you fail to ask them, you’ll quite often interpret incorrectly, compromising your ability to influence others.

更敏感的你

A More Sensitive You

从概念上讲,非语言表达很简单,但与本书中的其他技巧相比,你可能会发现它们的实际应用相当具有挑战性。我们大多数人至少对如何影响他人有一定的了解,但就我的经验而言,很少有人能适应非语言表达。作为孩子,我们在家里或正规学校里没有接受过多少非语言表达方面的训练。随着我们步入成年,智能手机和其他设备的普及导致我们中的许多人花费更多时间盯着屏幕,而花在观察他人和了解他们情绪上的时间却少了很多。此外,我们中的许多人被日常生活的需求压得喘不过气来,以至于我们与自己的身体和情绪脱节,我们很少考虑两者之间的联系。

Nonverbals are straightforward conceptually, but you might find their practical application quite challenging relative to other techniques in this book. Most of us have at least some sense of how to influence people, yet few of us in my experience are tuned into nonverbals. As children, we don’t receive much training on nonverbals at home or during our formal schooling. As we enter adulthood, the proliferation of smartphones and other devices leads many of us to spend a lot more time staring at screens and a lot less time observing others and cuing into their emotions. Further, many of us are so overwhelmed by the demands of daily life that we’re out of tune with our own bodies and emotions, and we don’t think much about the connection between the two.

如果你觉得使用非语言沟通很陌生,那就坚持下去。任何人都可以学会这些技能——只需要练习和渴望进步。

If working with nonverbals feels strange to you, try to stick with it anyway. Anybody can learn this stuff—it just takes practice and a desire to improve.

为了强调这一点,让我给你讲一个我最喜欢的故事。几年前,当我的女儿阿玛雅八岁时,她有机会亲自见到了艾克曼博士。她对他的工作很感兴趣,读了他的书《情绪揭示》,并非正式地练习了她的技能。当时,我并不知道这些技能会持续下去——毕竟,她只有八岁。天哪,我真是大吃一惊。

To underscore this point, let me leave you with one of my favorite stories. Years ago, when my daughter Amaya was eight years old, she had a chance to meet Dr. Ekman in person. Intrigued by his work, she read his book Emotions Revealed and informally practiced her skills. At the time, I had no idea that these skills were sticking—after all, she was only eight. Boy, did I have a surprise in store for me.

有一天,我们一起开车,时速大约四十英里,阿玛雅拍拍我的肩膀。“爸爸,”她说,“你看到我们刚刚在路边经过的那个女人了吗?她看起来很伤心。”我没有注意到那个女人,所以我的第一个念头是继续继续前行。“爸爸,”阿玛亚说,“你总是告诉我,如果看到有人有麻烦,我们必须帮助他们。你必须回去看看发生了什么事。”

We were driving together one day, traveling about forty miles per hour, when Amaya tapped me on the shoulder. “Dad,” she said, “did you see that woman we just passed on the side of the road? She looked sad.” I hadn’t noticed the woman, so my first inclination was to keep going. “Dad,” Amaya said, “you always tell me we have to help people if we see them in trouble. You’ve got to go back and see what’s going on.”

我怎么能拒绝她呢?我转身,沿着来时的路走回去。果然,我看到一个看上去 60 多岁的女人坐在长椅上。我之前并没有真正注意到她,因为我的注意力一直集中在路的其他地方。从她穿着的干净 T 恤、毛衣和牛仔裤来看,她看起来不像是无家可归的人,但她的脸上带着所有典型的严重悲伤的迹象,包括红肿的眼睛。没有血迹或其他任何表明她身体不适的东西。“我需要去和她谈谈,”阿玛亚说。我试图劝阻她,担心这个女人情绪不稳定或构成某种危险,但阿玛亚再次坚持要去。

How could I say no to her? I turned around and headed back the way we came. Sure enough, I spotted a woman who appeared to be in her early sixties sitting on a bench. I hadn’t really noticed her before, focused as I’d been on other parts of the road. Judging from the clean T-shirt, sweater, and jeans she was wearing, she didn’t appear to be homeless, but her face bore all the classic signs of serious sadness, including red and puffy eyes. There was no blood or anything else to indicate that she was in physical distress. “I need to go talk to her,” Amaya said. I tried to dissuade her, fearing that this woman was unstable or posed some kind of danger, but again, Amaya insisted.

我把车停在路边,正要下车时,阿玛雅说:“爸爸,我要一个人过去。让我过去,好吗?拜托你了?”她朝那个女人走去时,我退后了一步,警惕地观察着,随时准备在遇到麻烦时跳下去。阿玛雅朝那个女人走去,解释说我们开车经过时注意到她看起来很伤心。“一切都还好吗?”她问道。

I pulled over and was getting out when Amaya said, “Dad, I’m going over alone. Let me do it, okay? Please?” I stood back as she approached the woman, watching vigilantly and readying myself to jump in at any sign of trouble. Amaya approached the woman and explained that we had driven by and noticed that she seemed sad. “Is everything okay?” she asked.

女人抬头看着她,突然哭了起来。当她稍微平静下来后,她讲述了丈夫如何抛弃她并把她赶出家门。她自己没有钱,正面临破产。她试图在一家辅助生活机构获得住房,但进展不顺利。她坐在路边,因为她不知道还能做什么——她的生活似乎完全没有希望了。

The woman looked up at her and burst out crying. When she had calmed down a bit, she recounted how her husband had left her and kicked her out of the house. She had no money of her own and was going through bankruptcy. She was trying to obtain housing at an assisted living facility, but that wasn’t going well. She was sitting there on the side of the road because she just didn’t know what else to do—her life seemed totally hopeless.

我们问她能不能帮点什么,她说没办法了——她需要自己解决问题。她确实有一个要求:她能给阿玛雅一个拥抱吗?我点头表示可以,然后两人拥抱在一起。“谢谢你,”她对阿玛雅说。“谢谢你注意到我,谢谢你这么好。你让我这一天过得更开心了,这是一件大事。”

We asked if there was anything we could do, but she said there wasn’t—she needed to work through her problems on her own. She did have one request: Could she give Amaya a hug? I nodded that it was okay, and the two embraced. “Thank you,” she said to Amaya. “Thanks for noticing me and for being so kind. You made my day just a little bit happier, and that’s a pretty big deal.”

如果一个八岁的孩子能够掌握足够的非语言能力,在我们以每小时四十英里的速度驶过时注意到路边的一位女士,那么你也可以取得进步。正如 Amaya 的故事所表明的那样,掌握非语言能力可以帮助我们任何人不仅更善于影响他人,而且更敏感、更富有同情心。Amaya 走近这位女士,不求回报。她走开时感觉很棒。通过花时间注意别人的感受,然后根据她注意到的采取行动,她让那个人的一天变得更加美好。

If an eight-year-old can master nonverbals enough to notice a woman by the side of the road as we drove past at forty miles per hour, you can make progress, too. As Amaya’s story also suggests, mastering nonverbals can help any of us become not just more adept at influencing others, but more sensitive and compassionate. Amaya approached this woman without wanting anything from her. She walked away feeling great. By taking time out to notice another person’s feelings and by then acting on what she’d noticed, she’d made that person’s day just a bit brighter.

非语言能力固然重要,但如果我们想要与他人建立联系并按照自己的意愿影响他们,我们还需要其他技能。您知道影响他人并让他们因与您相遇而受益的基本原则,但您是否注意过您的言语和行为的细节?这样做会让相遇变得真实而引人注目,而不是让人觉得做作、尴尬或自私。如果细节弄砸了,您可能会希望自己完全跳过社交活动。如果处理好这些细节,您就能获得您想要的东西,同时也让其他人受益匪浅。让我们来看看。

As important as nonverbals are, we need still other skills if we are to stand the best chance of connecting with others and influencing them as we desire. You know the basic principles for influencing others and leaving them better off for having met you, but do you attend to the details in your speech and behavior? Doing so makes the difference between an encounter that feels real and compelling to others, and one that feels contrived, awkward, or self-serving. Mess the details up, and you might wish you had skipped the social encounter altogether. Get them right, and you’re well on your way to obtaining what you desire while also leaving others in better shape too. Let’s take a look.

第 8 章

完善你的演讲

Chapter 8

Polish Your Presentation

通过微调你的方法让社交接触保持“真实”。

Keep social encounters “real” by fine-tuning your approach.

即使借口再合理,你仍然可能在社交互动中失败,因为你的着装、言语或举止的细微细节会让你的行为不真实或令人难以置信。为了最大限度地提高成功的机会,请将真实性放在首位,避免一些关键的黑客“失败”。一个讲得好的故事在每一个转折点看起来都是“真实”和可信的。你的社交遭遇也应该如此。

Even with the most logical pretext, you can still fail in your social interactions because subtle details of your dress, speech, or demeanor render your behavior inauthentic or unbelievable. To maximize your chances of success, keep authenticity foremost in your mind, avoiding a number of key hacking “fails.” A well-told story seems “real” and believable at every turn. Your social encounters should, too.

不久前,我和我的团队前往一个发展中国家,试图侵入一家大型银行的总部。那里的做法与我们在美国的做法不同。作为银行安全措施的一部分,他们派出身材魁梧、面目狰狞的男子骑着摩托车在停车场周围巡逻,手持自动武器。幸运的是,我们掌握了人类黑客技术。我们发现,该银行正在进行一系列技术测试,以确保其符合国际标准。经过进一步的调查,我们了解到哪家公司正在进行测试,并创建了看起来很专业的测试绣有公司标志的衬衫。我们雇了一个当地人先我们走进总部,并与保安人员交谈,说他是来做些工作的,并询问他需要携带什么文件才能进入。

Not long ago, my team and I traveled to a developing country to break into the headquarters of a large bank. They do things differently over there than we do in the United States. As part of the bank’s security measures, they had burly, tough-looking men with automatic weapons riding around the parking lot on motorbikes. Fortunately, we had human hacking techniques on our side. We discovered that the bank was undergoing a bunch of technical tests to ensure that it complied with international standards. With a bit more probing, we learned which company was conducting the tests and created professional-looking shirts embroidered with the company’s logo. We hired a local to stroll into the headquarters before us and start a conversation with the security guards, saying he had come to do some work, and asking what documentation he would need to bring to gain access.

就在我们谈话的时候,我和一位同事穿着我们做的衬衫走了过来。我会用手机通话,我们俩都会拿着看起来很正式的剪贴板。

While that conversation was taking place, a colleague and I were going to walk up wearing the shirts we had made. I would talk on my cell phone, and both of us would carry official-looking clipboards.

我按计划走上前去,把电话放在耳边,点头说:“好的,好的,我现在就上来。我们马上就完成测试。”我们径直走过了安检人员,他们一句话也没说。在总部里,我们四处走动,迅速确定了方向。时间紧迫——我们不想被抓住。看到一扇标有“ATM 测试中心”的门,我们走过去,正好看到一个女人走了进来。她用徽章打开了门,我们跟着她进去了。“对不起,”她说,

I strolled up as planned with the phone to my ear, nodding my head and saying, “Yeah, yeah, I’m coming up now. We’ll complete the test in a second.” We strolled right past security, and they didn’t say a word. Inside the headquarters, we walked around, quickly orienting ourselves. Time was short—we didn’t want to get caught. Spotting a door marked “ATM Testing Center,” we approached it just as a woman was walking in. She unlocked the door with her badge and we followed her in. “Excuse me,” she said,

“哦,是的,”我们说,“我们正在做 PCI(支付卡行业)合规性测试。”

“Oh, yeah,” we said, “We’re doing a PCI [payment card industry] compliance test.”

“哦,好的,”她说。

“Oh, okay,” she said.

她做了她要做的事,一分钟后离开了房间。事情就是这样。在接下来的十五分钟里,我们侵入了整个银行。

She did what she had come to do, and a minute later left the room. And that was it. Over the next fifteen minutes, we compromised the entire bank.

尽管有那些手持自动武器的警卫,但这项工作还是进展得非常顺利,因为我们为自己创造了一个合适的借口,正如本书前面所述。但我们如何利用这个借口也很重要。我们把演示的细节做得恰到好处,对它们进行调整,使它们支持我们的借口并以理想的方式表达含义。有制服和剪贴板,但这只是开始。如果我在接近保安时显得紧张,或者我花了太多时间描述我是谁并争辩我是合法的,保安们就会起疑心。如果我看起来不知道自己要去哪里,或者我不明白我的意思,保安们就会怀疑我。如果我询问测试技术人员,或者我直接询问安全人员服务器机房在哪里,他们可能也会怀疑我们。我们的一些行为会让人觉得不对劲或虚假。

This job went off so smoothly, despite those guards with automatic weapons, because we had created a suitable pretext for ourselves, as described earlier in the book. But how we executed on that pretext mattered, too. We got the details of our presentation exactly right, tweaking them so they supported our pretext and framed meaning in desirable ways. There were the uniforms and the clipboards, but that was just the beginning. If I had seemed nervous upon approaching security, or if I had spent too much time describing who I was and arguing that I was legit, the guards would have become suspicious. If I didn’t seem like I knew where I was going or that I understood what a testing technician did, or if I had asked security personnel directly where the server room was, they again might have doubted us. Something about us would have seemed off or false.

了解了这些细微差别后,我采取了一种精心校准的简约方法。我没有说太多不必要的话,而是假装自己是这里的人,打电话,假装忙碌和有指示,而警卫则被当地的电话分散了注意力。我确实说我上楼的声音足够大,警卫可以听到——这表明我是这里的人,我刚刚从保安身边走过,就像我以前做过无数次一样,这也表明我是这里的人。两个人而不是一个人对我们有利——一家进行广泛测试的公司会派多个人来,这是有道理的。所有这些细节共同构成了一个含义框架,即“这些人应该在这里,让他们进来。”所以,保安照做了。

Understanding these nuances, I took a carefully calibrated, minimalist approach. Rather than speaking more than necessary, I acted like I belonged, talking on the phone, seemingly busy and directed, while the guards were distracted by the local. I did say that I was coming upstairs loud enough for the guards to hear—this suggested that I belonged, as did the fact that I just strolled past security, as if I had done so numerous times before. Having two people instead of one worked to our advantage—it made sense that a company performing extensive testing would send in multiple people. All of these details worked together to create a frame of meaning that said, “These guys are supposed to be here, let them in.” So, the security guards did.

熟练的讲故事者会关注故事的细节,力求让故事始终可信且自然。电影制作人和小说家知道,一个错误就有可能疏远观众,使他们意识到故事的虚伪。在这种情况下,整个体验就失去了魔力。要成功运用本书介绍的人性黑客技术,您必须采用讲故事者的思维方式,关注社交互动的细节,并牢记真实性。您必须充分了解您的“观众”,并预测在您执行借口并应用诱导和一般影响技术时,什么在他们看来是真实而自然的。

Skillful storytellers attend to the details of their narratives with an eye toward making them consistently believable and natural. Filmmakers and novelists know that a single mistake risks alienating audience members, causing them to become aware of the story’s artifice. In that case, the entire experience loses its magic. To succeed with the human hacking techniques presented in this book, you must adopt the mindset of a storyteller, attending to the details of social interactions with authenticity in mind. You must know your “audience” in sufficient depth and anticipate what will appear real and natural to them as you execute on your pretexts and apply elicitation and general influence techniques.

我在本书中一直谈到真实性,但这个主题非常重要,我们必须以更有条理、更有针对性的方式来处理它。我无法为你提供一本规则手册,让你的人类黑客行为每次都变得非常自然。社交互动太复杂、太多样化了。我能做的就是专注于黑客犯下的最大错误,这些错误促使他们的目标“醒悟”,并警惕他们的弊端。记住这些错误并避免它们,你影响他人的努力将变得更加真实、可信和引人注目。

I’ve touched on authenticity throughout this book, but the subject is so important that we must also address it in a more methodical and focused way. I can’t provide you with a rulebook for rendering your human hacking efforts perfectly natural every time. Social interactions are too complex and varied. What I can do is focus on the biggest mistakes hackers make that prompt their targets to “wake up” and become alert to their cons. Remember these mistakes and steer clear of them, and your efforts to influence others will become far more real, believable, and compelling.

五大真实性“失败”

Five Big Authenticity “Fails”

根据我的经验,大多数试图影响他人的失败尝试都是由五个关键的“失败”造成的。犯下任何这些错误都会促使你感兴趣的人对你隐藏的动机和技巧产生警惕。他们可能不完全理解你的目标是什么,但他们会感觉到这些动机的存在,并且正在影响你的行为。仅凭这一点就会促使他们提高警惕,干扰你引导对话的努力。人们在日常谈话中总是会犯这些错误,破坏他们原本可能对别人产生的魔力。

In my experience, five key “fails” account for the vast majority of ill-fated attempts to influence other parties. Committing any of these errors will prompt your person of interest to become alert to your hidden motivations and techniques. They might not understand exactly what your goal is, but they’ll sense that such motives exist and are shaping your behavior. That alone will prompt them to raise their guard, interfering with your efforts to steer the conversation advantageously. People make these mistakes all the time in everyday discourse, breaking the spell they otherwise might have had on others.

黑客失败 #1:你太直接了

Hacking Fail #1: You’re Too Direct

“展示,而不是讲述”是讲故事的一句老话。其理念是通过人物的行为来描绘主题或寓意,而不是让他们或叙述者公开地讲述主题。如果你在传达信息时过于直白,观众可能会认为这是他们想要接受的信息,整个演示就会失去力量。借用语言学家乔治·莱考夫的一个术语,你会把他们的注意力吸引到你试图创造的意义的“框架”上。莱考夫写道,框架“是塑造我们看待世界的方式的心理结构。因此,它们塑造了我们追求的目标、我们制定的计划、我们的行为方式,以及什么是我们行为的好结果或坏结果。” 1但框架对我们起作用往往是因为我们不知道它们。我们只是认为我们看到的是现实的本来面目。当我们确实感知到一个框架时,它可能仍然对我们起作用,只要我们没有感觉到它正在被我们感知到。用来对付我们或他人。当我们确实察觉到敌意时,我们的批判性思维就会开始发挥作用,这些框架就会失去效力。

“Show, don’t tell” is an old adage in storytelling. The idea is to portray a theme or moral via characters’ actions rather than to have them or the narrator relate the theme overtly. If you’re ploddingly explicit about delivering a message, the audience might recognize it as a message they are intended to consume, and the entire presentation will lose its power. To borrow a term from the linguist George Lakoff, you’ll draw their attention to the “frame” of meaning you’re trying to create. Frames, Lakoff writes, “are mental structures that shape the way we see the world. As a result, they shape the goals we seek, the plans we make, the way we act, and what counts as a good or bad outcome of our actions.”1 But frames often work on us because we aren’t aware of them. We just think we’re seeing reality as it is. When we do perceive a frame, it might still work on us, so long as we don’t sense that it is being used against us or others. When we do perceive a hostile intent, our critical minds go to work and these frames lose their power.

回想一下我举的那个例子,你试图让你的姐姐在经济上帮助你照顾年迈的母亲。正如我所建议的,使用影响技巧的一种方法可能是在你姐姐喜欢的餐厅吃饭时进行谈话,而且是在她不会感到疲倦或工作压力大的时候。点你姐姐最喜欢的开胃菜或一瓶酒,然后通过建立融洽关系开始谈话。稍后,当你要提出借口时,你可以这样说:“听着,我想和你共进晚餐是因为我需要你的帮助。妈妈的身体状况正在恶化。她不能再照顾自己了。我不太清楚该如何处理。但我很重视你的意见,所以我想问问我们该怎么办。”

Think back to that example I developed in which you’re trying to get your sister to help you out financially with your elderly mother’s care. As I advised, one way to proceed using influence techniques might be to hold the conversation over dinner at a restaurant you know your sister likes and at a time when she won’t be tired or feel stressed from work. Order your sister’s favorite appetizer or bottle of wine, and then start the conversation by building rapport. Later, when it comes to delivering your pretext, you might say something like: “Listen, I wanted to have dinner with you because I need your help. Mom’s condition is declining. She can’t take care of herself any longer. I’m not quite sure how to handle it. But I value your opinion, so I thought I’d ask what we should do here.”

从这里开始,你可以使用影响力技巧来促使你的妹妹接受她应该为照顾你母亲做出贡献的想法。你可以使用社会认同,观察到另一个值得信赖的亲戚或朋友为照顾他们的母亲做出了贡献。或者你可以使用喜欢原则,表达你对妹妹一直是一个好女儿的敬意。你不应该说或做任何让你的妹妹意识到你一直在影响她的事情。当服务员端上你妹妹最喜欢的酒时,你不应该说:“哦,看,我点了你最喜欢的酒。”后来,当服务员端上主菜时,你不应该说:“我知道你喜欢那道菜。我想在这里吃饭是因为我知道这是你最喜欢的餐厅。”这些看似无害的评论可能会让你的妹妹脱离这种体验,并将她的注意力集中在不属于你和你的动机上。你实际上是在对她说:“看,我想为你做点好事的原因是因为我希望你遵从我的一些要求。”不太顺利。

From there, you might use influence techniques to nudge your sister toward the notion that she should contribute toward your mother’s care. You might deploy social proof, observing that another trusted relative or friend contributed to their mother’s care. Or you might use the liking principle, expressing your esteem for what a great daughter your sister has always been. What you shouldn’t do is say or do anything that makes your sister aware of all you have been doing to influence her. As the waiter serves your sister’s favorite wine, you shouldn’t say, “Oh, look, I ordered your favorite wine.” Later, as the waiter serves the main course, you shouldn’t say, “I know you love that dish. I wanted to eat here because I know it’s your favorite restaurant.” Such seemingly harmless comments risk taking your sister out of the experience and focusing her attention where it doesn’t belong—on you and your possible motives. You’re practically saying to her, “Look, the reason I thought about doing something nice for you was because I wanted you to comply with some request of mine.” Not so smooth.

当我假扮电梯修理工潜入大楼时,我不要对保安脱口而出:“嘿,这是我的修理工工作服,这些是我的修理工具。我是电梯修理工。”保安从我的服装和携带的工具知道我是修理工。我并不是说你永远不应该公开承认你的借口或你为影响他人行为而采取的行动。假设我假扮为奥的斯电梯的修理工,穿着印有该公司标志的衬衫。如果保安想要随意交谈,并惊呼道:“哦,你在奥的斯工作?”,那么承认我是奥的斯员工就成为谈话的自然部分。但如果没有提出这个问题,在我的目标对象的脑海中,我没有逻辑上的理由向他们指出我的职位描述。我这样做会促使保安注意并仔细审查我。

When I sneak into buildings posing as an elevator repairman, I don’t blurt out to the security guards, “Hey, here’s my repairman outfit, and these are my repair tools. I’m an elevator repairman.” The guards know I’m a repairman from my outfit and the tools I carry. I’m not suggesting you should never openly acknowledge your pretext or actions you’ve taken to influence others’ behavior. Let’s say I’m posing as a repairman from Otis Elevators and wearing a shirt emblazoned with that company’s logo. If the security guard, seeking to make casual conversation, exclaims, “Oh, you work for Otis?” then acknowledging I do becomes a natural part of the conversation. But if the question hasn’t been posed, there’s no logical reason in my target’s mind for me to point out my job description to them. That I’m doing so will prompt the guards to notice and scrutinize me.

黑客失败#2:你否定了“框架”

Hacking Fail #2: You Negate the “Frame”

有些失败的人类黑客甚至因为其笨拙的手段而更令人不寒而栗。他们不满足于向目标人物解释自己在做什么,而是更进一步,尖锐地向目标人物保证自己没有做任何邪恶的事情。我曾听过一些试图潜入安全设施的学生举起他们的假身份证说:“你看,看到了吗?我是一名员工。上面就写着。”然后他们以他们认为是漫不经心的方式说:“我的意思是,我并不是黑客之类的。”

Some unsuccessful human hackers are even more cringe-worthy in their ham-handedness. Not content to spell out what they’re doing for their person of interest, they go a step further and pointedly reassure that person that they’re not doing anything nefarious. I’ve heard students trying to sneak into a secure facility hold up their fake ID badge and say: “Look, see? I’m an employee. It says so right here.” And then they say, in what they take to be an offhanded way, “I mean, it’s not like I’m a hacker or something.”

什么?别这么说!一个有能力的叙述者如果想表达一个观点,比如说,关于生命毫无意义的观点,他绝不会脱口而出:“我编造这个故事不是为了让你相信生命毫无意义。”这样的举动会毁掉叙述者所建立的任何真实性。正如拉科夫在政治话语中所说的那样,“当我们否定一个框架时,我们就会唤起这个框架。” 2我们在否定一个想法时使用的词语会将这个想法带入他人的心中,从而使这个想法永久存在。

What?? Don’t say that! A competent narrator of a story interested in making a point, say, about the meaninglessness of life would never blurt out: “It’s not like I fabricated this whole story just to convince you that life has no meaning.” Such a move would blow up any authenticity the narrator had managed to establish. As Lakoff has famously observed in the context of political discourse, “when we negate a frame, we evoke the frame.”2 The very words we use in negating an idea perpetuate that idea by bringing it to others’ minds.

如果你对姐姐说:“我今天请你吃饭不是为了向你要钱给妈妈”,她更可能怎么想?她可能从来没有想过你可能有自己的计划。但现在你已经种下了想法的种子。这颗种子可能会在你们的谈话中发芽,长成一棵令人讨厌的怀疑和疑虑的杂草——这与你的意图完全相反。永远不要否定你通过借口和建立融洽关系的努力以及动用影响力技巧所创造的“框架”或叙述。一点也不要。

If you were to remark to your sister, “It’s not like I asked you to dinner tonight just to hit you up for money for Mom,” what is she more likely to think? The idea that you might have an agenda of your own might never have occurred to her. But now you’ve planted the seed of an idea. That seed might sprout during your conversation and grow into a nasty weed of skepticism and doubt—the very opposite of what you intended. Don’t ever negate the “frame” or narrative you’re creating via your pretexting and rapport-building efforts and your mobilization of influence techniques. Not even a little bit.

黑客失败#3:你太完美了

Hacking Fail #3: You’re Too Perfect

任何故事都需要细节。否则,故事会显得模糊、过于抽象、毫无意义。此外,在提供借口时,你必须通过提供多个肯定的细节来强化意义框架。当我假扮为害虫防治员时,我有制服、喷雾罐和一个写着假工作单的剪贴板,所有这些都能证明我的借口是合法的。但这就足够了。我不需要继续向保安人员讲授我要喷洒的昆虫,也不会透露我使用的特定杀虫剂,也不会告诉他们我那周喷洒了多少其他设施。为了“完美”而堆积太多细节,我会让我的目标对象思考所有这些细节以及有多少细节。他们会意识到这个故事是他们应该接受的故事,并且不会相信它。我很容易显得焦虑、紧张——而且可能是假的。

Any story you might tell requires details. Otherwise it seems vague, overly abstract, meaningless. Moreover, you have to reinforce the frame of meaning when delivering a pretext by offering multiple, affirming details. When I pose as a pest control guy, I have the uniform, the spray canisters, and a clipboard with a fake work order on it all working together to establish that my pretext is legitimate. But that’s enough. I don’t then have to go on to give the security guards a lecture about the insects I’m there to spray for, nor do I divulge the particular pesticide I’m using, nor do I tell them how many other facilities I’ve sprayed that week. Pile on too many details in an attempt to be “perfect,” and I’ll leave my target thinking about all these details and how many there are. They’ll become aware of the story as a story they are meant to consume and believe it less. I’m liable to come off seeming anxious, jittery—and potentially fake.

当我和我的团队闯入上述银行时,我们整理了一些相关细节。我知道我的名字、我们公司的名字、我们为什么在那里、合规性测试是什么、银行的哪些部分正在接受测试。但我没有走进那家银行,宣布我的经理,一个叫拉菲克的人我们芝加哥办事处的 Ghalili 在 6 月 17 日举行的一次会议上告诉我,要我来这个国家完成一项 PCI 合规性测试,该测试最初于 9 月 13 日进行。我没有告诉警卫,过去六年半我一直在为公司做合规性测试,而且我在马里兰州巴尔的摩的工厂接受了培训。没人关心所有这些细节。我不知何故想要把所有细节都说出来,这在警卫看来很奇怪。

When my team and I broke into the bank mentioned above, we marshaled a number of relevant details. I knew what my purported name was, our company’s name, why we were there, what a compliance test was, what parts of the bank were being tested. But I didn’t walk into that bank and announce that my manager, a man named Rafik Ghalili from our Chicago office, had told me during a meeting we held on June 17 to come to this country to finish a PCI compliance test, which was performed initially on September 13. I didn’t inform the guards that I’d been doing compliance tests for my company for the past six and a half years and that I received my training at our Baltimore, Maryland, facility. Nobody cares about all that detail. That I had somehow felt inclined to spout all of it would have seemed odd to the guards.

黑客通常不会透露太多细节,而是会将他们透露的少数细节做得过于极端。有时他们会撒谎,以便提供“完美”的致命细节,从而赢得目标。我最近安排了一次与一位商业伙伴的会面,他知道我最喜欢的乐队是摇滚乐队 Clutch。当这位不太了解我的同事开车接我去开会时,他下载了一张 Clutch 的专辑,试图与我建立融洽的关系。当我评论音乐的选择时,他说:“哦,是的,我前几天听到你说你有多喜欢他们,所以我想下载一张专辑放给你听。”

Hackers often don’t deliver too many details but rather make the few they do deliver too extreme. Sometimes they tell lies in an effort to produce the “perfect,” killer detail that will win over a target. I recently scheduled a meeting with a business associate who knew that my favorite band was the rock-and-roll band Clutch. When this associate, who didn’t know me well, picked me up in his car to head to the meeting, he had a Clutch album that he’d downloaded playing in an effort to build rapport with me. When I remarked on the choice of music, he said, “Oh, yeah, I heard you talking the other day about how much you loved them, so I thought I’d download an album and put it on for you.”

我的同事并没有声称自己一夜之间就成了 Clutch 的狂热粉丝,也没有声称自己知道乐队发行的每一首歌曲或专辑。如果他真的知道,我可能会怀疑他是否诚实,因为他所说的或所做的一切都没有表明他对 Clutch 或他们的音乐风格有任何特别的喜爱。如果我继续随意地询问他最喜欢我们正在听的专辑中的哪首歌,或者我问一些需要了解乐队才能回答的后续问题,他可能会做出尴尬的反应,不知所措。为了给建立融洽关系增添真实性,他可能会破坏这种融洽关系。

My associate didn’t claim to have become a rabid fan of Clutch overnight, nor did he purport to know every last song or album the band had released. If he had, I might have wondered about his truthfulness, as nothing he had said or done indicated that he had any particular affinity for Clutch or their style of music. If I had gone on to inquire casually what his favorite song was on the album we were listening to, or if I had asked some other follow-up question that required knowledge of the band to answer, he might have reacted awkwardly, scrambling for what to say. In his effort to lend authenticity to his rapport building, he’d have eroded it.

如果你想要让社交互动变得“完美”,请记住罗马皇帝马库斯·奥雷利乌斯在数千年前的观察。“当面包烤好后,”他说,“一些部分在表面裂开,这些……具有某种时尚,与面包师的艺术目的相反,是美丽的……并且以一种特殊的方式激发了吃东西的欲望。” 3 我们大多数人都看重不完美。我们发现它不仅美丽诱人,而且还令人向往的真实——一位研究人员称之为“理想的真实”。4对于面包和许多其他消费品适用,对于社交互动也适用。所以,不要觉得必须把你的展示的一切都做得绝对正确。“足够好”的道德观最有效。

If you’re inclined to try to make a social interaction “perfect,” bear in mind an observation that the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius made thousands of years ago. “When bread is baked,” he said, “some parts are split at the surface, and these . . . have a certain fashion contrary to the purpose of the baker’s art, are beautiful . . . and in a peculiar way excite a desire for eating.”3 Most of us value imperfection. We find it not only beautiful and enticing, but also desirably authentic—what one researcher has spoken of as “aspirational realness.”4 This holds true when it comes to bread and many other consumer goods, and it holds true for social interactions as well. So, don’t feel compelled to get everything about your presentation absolutely right. An ethic of “good enough” works best.

黑客失败#4:你对声音一窍不通

Hacking Fail #4: You’re Tone Deaf

不成功的黑客并不仅仅是把细节搞得太过分。他们把细节搞错了,说话或做事的方式分散了人们对借口的注意力,甚至与之相矛盾。如果你的借口是扮演一个善良或富有同情心的兄弟姐妹,或者一个有尊严、受人尊敬的权威人物,或者一个正直的专业人士,而你在谈话过程中多次爆粗口,你的借口就会显得不那么可信。这是我所在行业的一个大问题。由于社会工程传统上以男性为主,许多操作员不假思索地使用可怕的性别歧视语言。你经常会听到成功入侵公司计算机系统的安全专业人员说:“我刚刚强奸了那个服务器!”这传达了什么样的形象?如果你试图影响他人,却说话像个傻瓜,你只能期待失败。同样,如果你是一位新婚夫妇,想和你配偶的家人建立关系,而他们中没有一个人的母语是英语,而你在谈话中塞入了一些你配偶的亲戚不太可能听懂的花哨英语单词,比如“confabulated”或“irascible”,那么你假装自己是“热情好客的新家庭成员”,可能不会取得多大进展。

Unsuccessful hackers don’t simply take details too far. They get details wrong, speaking or acting in ways that distract from their pretext or even contradict it. If your pretext has you playing the role of a kind or compassionate sibling, say, or of the dignified, respectable authority figure, or of the upstanding professional, and you drop multiple f-bombs in the course of conversation, your pretext will seem less believable. This is a huge problem in my industry. Since social engineering is traditionally male dominated, many operators unthinkingly use horrifically sexist language. You’ll often hear security professionals who had succeeded in breaking into a company’s computer system say, “I just raped that server!” What kind of image does that convey? If you’re trying to influence others yet you speak like a jackass, you can expect failure. Likewise, if you’re a newlywed trying to forge a relationship with your spouse’s family, none of whom are native English speakers, and you load down your conversation with fancy English words that your spouse’s relatives are unlikely to understand, like “confabulated” or “irascible,” you probably won’t make much headway in your pretext of being “the welcoming and accommodating new family member.”

除了语言之外,演讲的其他方面可能如果不小心,可能会冒犯你感兴趣的人。正如我们在上一章中看到的,我们的肢体语言会向他人发出微妙的暗示。如果我是一个体型较大的男性,试图与一个体型比我小很多的女人互动,而我的臀部正对着她的方向,她可能会下意识地认为这是威胁。如果我是一个体型不限的男性,试图与一个戴着头巾的新来的女学生建立融洽的关系,并且我主动握手,我也可能会无意中冒犯她,因为严格的伊斯兰文化禁止不同性别的陌生人之间有任何接触。如果我在与一位听力障碍的老人交谈,而且我说话又快又轻,我可能会无意中让那个人处于不舒服的境地,从而损害我影响他们的努力,尤其是当我扮演细心和富有同情心的孙子/邻居/朋友时。如果我扮演着细心父亲的角色,在儿子或女儿说话时不停地看手机,我又一次损害了我的真实性。我施加影响的努力将受到影响。

Besides language, other aspects of your presentation might wind up offending your person of interest if you’re not careful. As we saw in the last chapter, our body language sends subtle cues to others. If I’m a large-bodied male trying to interact with a woman who is physically much smaller than me, and my hips are facing square in her direction, she might subconsciously perceive that as threatening. If I’m a male of any size trying to build rapport with a new female student who is wearing a hijab, and I offer a handshake, I might also inadvertently cause offense, since strict Islamic cultures forbid any touching between strangers of different genders. If I’m addressing an elderly person who is hard of hearing and I speak quickly and softly, I might unintentionally put that person in an uncomfortable position, compromising my efforts to influence them, especially if I were playing the attentive and compassionate grandson/neighbor/friend. If I’m playing the role of the attentive father and I’m constantly glancing at my phone while my son or daughter is speaking, I again compromise my authenticity. My efforts to exert influence will suffer.

我们还必须考虑我们的整体形象,以及别人会如何看待我们,尤其是那些不认识我们、对我们只有刻板印象的陌生人。如果我是一个高个子、秃顶的男性,很多人会认为我脾气暴躁或咄咄逼人。我可能是世界上最善良、最有同情心的人,但这就是刻板印象。当我试图影响他人时,我必须牢记这种刻板印象,并在我的言行举止中加以纠正,也许我会特意热情地微笑、轻声细语,或者让我感兴趣的人坐在桌子旁稍高一点的椅子上(从而让他们处于权威或权力的位置)。同样,如果我是一个身材丰满的女性,试图影响满屋子的男人,我应该考虑我的袖子有多长、我的上衣剪裁有多低,以及我表现中的类似元素,以及我的听众可能会对我的动机做出何种推断,无论正确与否。无论我的性别如何,我都应该牢记我表现中的社会经济层面。如果我是我是一个富人,但与一个财力有限的人交往时,我的古驰包或劳力士手表是否会有助于我与他人建立融洽关系,还是会让别人认为我势利?

We must consider, too, our general appearance and how it might come across to others, particularly strangers who don’t know us and who have only stereotypical impressions of us to go on. If I’m a tall, bald male, many people will perceive me as angry or aggressive. I could be the world’s sweetest, most empathetic person, but that’s the stereotype. When attempting to influence others, I must bear that stereotype in mind and correct for it in my speech and behavior, perhaps by going out of my way to smile warmly and speak softly or by giving my person of interest the chair at the table that sits a bit higher (thus putting them in a position of authority or power). Similarly, if I’m a buxom female trying to influence a roomful of men, I should think about how long my sleeves are, how low my blouse is cut, and similar elements of my presentation, and what my audience might infer, rightly or wrongly, about my motives. No matter my gender, I should bear in mind the socioeconomic dimensions of my presentation. If I’m wealthy but interacting with someone of limited means, will my Gucci bag or Rolex watch support my rapport building or will it cause others to regard me as a snob?

我们可能不喜欢人们所采用的刻板印象以及他们对某些类别的人所做出的偏见判断——我知道我就是这样的。但我们不能忽视他人的看法,尽管这些看法可能有缺陷且令人痛苦,并希望影响这些人。周复一周,我利用这些偏见来诱使人们点击链接或通过安全屏障。我讨厌这些刻板印象,但它们是真实存在的,而且根深蒂固。对于批评者指责我利用这些不幸的刻板印象而不是在每个关键时刻挑战它们,我要指出,犯罪分子会毫不犹豫地利用人们的偏见,而由于我的工作是帮助组织改善安全性并使社会更安全,所以我也必须这样做。

We might dislike the stereotypes people deploy and the biased judgments they make about categories of people—I know I do. But we can’t ignore others’ perceptions, as flawed and hurtful as they might be, and hope to influence these individuals. Week in and week out, I play on these biases in order to induce people to click on a link or admit past a security barrier. I detest these stereotypes, but they’re real and deeply entrenched. To a critic who would fault me for playing on these unfortunate stereotypes rather than challenging them at every turn, I’d point out that criminals don’t hesitate to exploit biases people have, and since my job is to help organizations improve security and make society safer, I have to as well.

非专业人士也不能简单地无视这些看法。有些人可能会说,我们应该呼吁我们的朋友、亲戚和邻居纠正他们的偏见,以努力实现改变。有时,这可能是必要的。正如我在本书中所说的那样,在与他人互动时,重要的是不要违背我们深切感受到的道德原则。但大多数时候,如果我们的目标是影响他人,我们最好表现出更多的谦逊,尽可能地与人相处。我们无法在日常交往中改变世界的思维方式。我们能做的是改变下一个与我们互动的人的思维方式。实现这一点的最好方法是让那个人感到尽可能舒服,然后让他们因为与我们见面而受益,在这个过程中可能会挑战他们对我们的刻板印象。我们还必须接受这样的事实:由于他人的种族主义、性别歧视或年龄歧视,有些借口可能对我们不起作用。我们的外表元素可能与我们试图在别人心中唤起的意义发生强烈冲突。

Nonprofessionals can’t afford to simply steamroll over those perceptions, either. Some might argue that we should call out our friends, relatives, and neighbors on their biases in an effort to bring about change. At times, that might be necessary. As I’ve said throughout this book, it’s important not to compromise our deeply felt moral principles when interacting with others. But most of the time, if our goal is to influence others, we’re better off showing a bit more humility, meeting people where they are to the extent we can. We can’t change the way the world thinks in our everyday interactions. What we can do is change the way the next person we interact with thinks. The best way of accomplishing that is by making that person feel as comfortable as possible and then leaving them better off for having met us, in the process potentially challenging stereotypes about us they might have had. We also have to accept that some pretexts might not work for us because of others’ racist, sexist, or ageist biases. Elements of our appearance might clash too strongly with the meaning we’re trying to evoke in others’ minds.

黑客失败#5:你在“询问”时过于激进

Hacking Fail #5: You’re Too Aggressive in the “Ask”

“昨晚,当我准备关掉办公室的灯回家时,我注意到办公室角落里有一只虫子挂在一根线上,用网缠住另一只昆虫。”当你读到这句话时,脑海中浮现出什么画面?很可能,你会想到蜘蛛。我实际上不必使用“蜘蛛”这个词来唤起那种特定的昆虫。

“Last night, when I was getting ready to turn out the lights at my office and go home, I noticed that in the corner of my office a bug was hanging from a thread and wrapping another insect in a web.” As you read that sentence, what image pops to mind? Most likely, you thought of a spider. I didn’t have to actually use the word “spider” to evoke that particular insect.

只要你有一个意义框架,框架内定义的单词或对象(蜘蛛网、被包裹的昆虫)就会唤起这个框架(蜘蛛在房间角落工作的想法)。这个原则解释了为什么我们在黑客工作中不需要过于直白(黑客失败 #1)。框架的一两个元素就足以为我们完成工作。但作为这个原则的推论,我们也不需要直接要求我们想要的东西。此外,过于直白地表达我们的要求可能会适得其反,因为这会让其他人对我们试图创造的意义框架产生警惕。

Whenever you have a frame of meaning, words or objects defined within the frame (the web, an insect being wrapped up) evoke the frame (the idea of a spider doing its work in the corner of a room). This principle explains why we don’t need to be overly explicit in our hacking efforts (Hacking Fail #1). Just one or two elements of a frame suffice to do the work for us. But as a corollary of this principle, we also don’t need to ask directly for what we want. Moreover, being too overt about our requests can backfire by causing others to become alert to the frame of meaning we seek to create.

假设我的邻居——我叫她芭芭拉——养了一只大金毛猎犬,每天早上和晚上芭芭拉放它出去时,它都会不停地大声吠叫。这种吠叫最早发生在早上六点,把我的两个小孩吵醒,比他们通常的起床时间提前至少一个小时。我希望芭芭拉至少等到早上 8 点再放狗出去,或者做出其他安排,这样我们一家人就不会被打扰。如果有一天晚上芭芭拉下车时,我在她家的车道上走近她,直截了当地要求她八点前不要放狗出去,她可能会做出防御性反应,尤其是在她工作了一整天后感到疲倦和压力很大的时候。如果我试图扮演“友好邻居寻求帮助”的角色,我的大胆可能会与这个借口发生冲突并破坏它。

Let’s say my neighbor—I’ll call her Barb—has a big golden retriever who barks incessantly and loudly when Barb lets her out in the morning and evening. This barking occurs as early as six in the morning, jarring my two small children awake at least an hour before their usual wake-up time. I want Barb to wait until at least 8:00 a.m. to let her dog out, or to make some alternate arrangement so our family isn’t disturbed. If I approach Barb in her driveway one evening as she is stepping out of her car and ask her point-blank not to let her dog out until eight o’clock, she might react defensively, especially if she is tired and stressed after a long day’s work. If I’m trying to play the role of the “friendly neighbor asking for help,” my boldness will possibly clash with and undermine that pretext.

一个更好的解决办法是,在周日早上我出去散步的时候,去接近芭芭拉,她很放松,在花园里闲逛她的狗 Max 在她身边晒太阳。即便如此,直接要求她在清晨让 Max 保持安静可能也无济于事。作为替代方案,我可以接近 Barb 并说:“我喜欢你种的这些新玫瑰丛——它们很漂亮。Max 看起来也很喜欢它们。嘿,我想问你能否帮我解决一个我遇到的问题。我们一直在谈论这件事,我们不知道该怎么处理我们的孩子。他们总是在清晨很早就醒来,因为他们听到 Max 叫。我们试过关上窗户,但没有用。我知道 Max 必须出去,但你认为我们能做些什么呢?”

A better solution is to approach Barb on a Sunday morning when I’m out for a walk and she’s relaxed and puttering around her garden with her dog, Max, sunning himself by her side. Even then, directly asking her to keep Max quiet in the early mornings might not help my case. As an alternative, I can approach Barb and say, “I love these new rosebushes you put in—they’re beautiful. Max looks like he loves them, too. Hey, while I’m thinking of it, I wonder if you could help me out with a problem I’ve been having. We’ve been talking and we’re not sure what to do about our kids. They keep waking up early in the morning because they hear Max barking. We’ve tried keeping the windows closed, but it’s not working. I know Max has to go out, but what do you think we could do about this?”

这种询问可能会引发一场对话,导致 Barb 提出等到早上 8 点再放 Max 出去,或者想出其他解决方案,比如早点带他出去散步而不是放他出去,这样即使他叫了孩子们也听不到。在这种情况下,我不用直接问她就可以得到我想要的东西。当然,她可能不会提供任何建议,而是说“我很遗憾听到这个消息。也许你可以在他们的房间附近放一个声音机来消除狗叫声。”这种反应可能会让我对她明显的自私感到沮丧。我最好的办法是再试一次,而不是发脾气,这样说:“不,孩子们不喜欢声音机——我们在大约一年前最小的孩子刚出生时就试过了。我们还能做些什么吗?”

This kind of query might start a conversation that would lead Barb to offer to wait until 8:00 a.m. to let Max out, or to come up with some other solution, such as taking him for a walk early instead of letting him out so that if he barks the kids wouldn’t hear him. In that case, I would have gotten exactly what I wanted without asking her directly. Of course, she might not offer anything but instead say something like, “I’m sorry to hear that. Maybe you could put on a sound machine near their room to muffle the barking.” That reaction might cause me to become frustrated at her apparent selfishness. Rather than blow my top, my best move is to try again, saying something like: “No, the kids don’t like sound machines—we tried that about a year ago when the youngest was just born. Is there anything else we might do?”

如果此时 Barb 提出了你想要的解决方案,那就太好了。我一直耐心地试图影响她,我以一种令人信服的方式维持着我的借口,而且这已经取得了成功。如果她没有提出解决方案,并且如果在另一次迭代之后这种情况仍然没有改变,那么那时我可能会决定直接要求她把她的狗关在家里直到早上 8 点。没有借口可以保证奏效,但至少我知道我已经尽我所能,让它在邻居眼中真实可信。

If at this point Barb offers up your desired solution, great. I’ve been patient in my attempts to influence her, I’ve maintained my pretext in a believable way, and it has paid off. If she hasn’t come forth with the solution, and if after another iteration this situation remains unchanged, then at that point I might decide to ask her directly to keep her dogs in until 8:00 a.m. No pretext is guaranteed to work, but at least I’ll know that I’ve pushed mine as far as it could go, keeping it real and believable in my neighbor’s eyes.

如果我不得不直接问她,我会尽量不指责她阻止她做任何事或做出评判。严厉的声明与更敏感的请求之间存在巨大差异,例如“Barb,听着,我试着做一个好邻居,礼貌地询问,但我需要你明白,你和你那只吵闹的狗很烦人,如果你不把它关在家里直到早上八点,我就要打电话给狗收容所了”,与更敏感的请求之间存在巨大差异,例如“Barb,我知道我们反复讨论过一些想法,但我只想问你是否可以让 Max 待在家里到八点。星期六是我一周中唯一可以睡懒觉的日子,这对我和我的心理健康都有好处。你能帮帮我吗?”请记住,我不知道她为什么对我没有顾忌。也许她很自私,但也许她有其他更正当的理由。我的目标一直是让她过得更好,因为她遇见了我,同时也满足了我的愿望。猛烈抨击可能不会让我达到那个结果。

If I do have to ask her directly, I will try to do so without accusing her of anything or casting judgment. A huge difference exists between a stern statement like “Barb, listen, I tried to be a good neighbor and ask nicely, but I need you to understand that you and your noisy dog are irritating and if you don’t keep it inside till eight a.m. I am calling the pound,” and a more sensitive request like “Barb, I know we have gone back and forth on some ideas to try, but I just have to ask if you can keep Max in till eight o’clock. Saturday is the only day of the week I get to sleep in and it would help me and my mental health. Can you please help me out here?” Keep in mind, I don’t know why she is behaving inconsiderately toward me. Maybe she’s being selfish, but maybe she has other, more legitimate reasons. My goal at all times is to leave her better off for having met me while also meeting my desires. Lashing out probably won’t lead me to that result.

想想你最近与某人的一次互动,结果并不如你想象的那么顺利。分析一下你对这次对话的执行情况。你是如何开始的?你是如何建立融洽关系的?你是如何安排借口的?你的肢体语言是什么样的?你穿得怎么样?你有没有考虑过你感兴趣的人以及他们可能会如何看待你?想想你的言语或行为中你可以做得不同的三四个细节,并在下一次类似的遭遇中尝试这些修改。

Think about an interaction you recently had with someone that didn’t go as well as you would have liked. Analyze your execution of the conversation. How did you begin? How did you build rapport? How did you lay out your pretext? What was your body language like? How were you dressed? Did you consider your person of interest and how they might perceive you? Think of three or four details in your speech or behavior that you might have done differently and try these modifications in your next, similar encounter.

了解你的目标,但不要执着

Know Your Targets, but Don’t Obsess

回顾这五种“失败”,我们发现,不成功的黑客之所以会犯下这些错误,是因为与目标的关系不协调。这些潜在的黑客要么花太少时间试图了解他们试图影响的人,要么花太多时间。他们忽视目标,将目标的观点、情感和需求视为理所当然,或者过于执着于目标会如何看待他们。这两种不平衡都会导致黑客提供错误的细节,变得过于拖沓或直接,提供太多细节,甚至为了“确定”借口和控制目标的看法而撒谎。不只是新手黑客无法以平衡的方式思考目标。新手可能会低估成功所需的理解水平,然后为了控制局面而采取误导和误导性的努力。但经验丰富的专业人士也可能将他们之前取得的任何成功视为理所当然,错误地认为他们当前的目标将与之前的目标相似,并且之前奏效的方法将再次奏效。如果这些专业人士是认真的 C 型人格,他们可能更倾向于过度计划并努力实现“完美”的互动。

Stepping back from these five “fails,” we find that unsuccessful hackers commit them because of a poorly calibrated relationship with their targets. These would-be hackers either spend too little time trying to understand the people they’re trying to influence, or too much. They ignore their targets and take their perspectives, emotions, and needs for granted, or they become overly obsessed with how their targets might perceive them. Either of these imbalances lead hackers to deliver the wrong details, become too plodding or direct, present too many details, or even tell outright lies in an attempt to “nail down” the pretext and control their targets’ perception. It isn’t just novice hackers who fail to think about their targets in a balanced way. Novices might underestimate the level of understanding they’ll need to be successful and then go overboard in a misguided and misinformed effort to control the situation. But seasoned pros might also take any previous success they’ve had for granted, wrongly assuming their current targets will resemble previous ones, and that what worked before will work again. If these pros are conscientious C-types, they might be further inclined to overplan and strive for a “perfect” interaction.

虽然我不是“C”,但有时我也会过度自信。几年前,我们曾对一家拥有大量政府和军方合同的制造公司进行网络钓鱼。当时,外国政府开始使用 LinkedIn 招募间谍并获取机密信息。我们假扮成一位年轻貌美的女士,向该公司所有 7,500 名员工发送了一封电子邮件,邀请他们加入一个特殊的 LinkedIn 群组。我们希望尽可能多的员工点击该链接;这样做可以让我们入侵他们的计算机。

Although I’m not a “C,” I’ve been guilty of overconfidence at times. Several years ago, we phished a manufacturing company with large government and military contracts. At the time, foreign governments were beginning to use LinkedIn to recruit spies and obtain privileged information. Posing as an attractive young woman, we sent an email to all 7,500 employees at this company inviting them to join a special LinkedIn group. We wanted as many employees as possible to click on the link; doing so would allow us to compromise their computers.

当我们刚开始在公司进行网络钓鱼时,大约 50% 到 60% 的目标会落入特定漏洞的陷阱。在与该公司合作大约 18 个月后,员工识别网络钓鱼电子邮件的能力越来越强——我们的命中率下降到大约 25% 到 40%。然而,这个 LinkedIn 漏洞却取得了巨大的成功:79% 的员工点击加入了该群组。

When we first started phishing at the company, about 50 to 60 percent of targets fell for a given exploit. After about eighteen months of working with this company, employees were getting better at recognizing phishing emails—our hit rate was down to about 25 to 40 percent. And yet, this LinkedIn exploit was a rocking success: 79 percent of employees clicked to join the group.

对于我这个行业的人来说,这种成功令人激动。这让我兴奋不已。几个月后,第二家公司——一家拥有 10,000 名员工的大型零售商——雇佣我们进行网络钓鱼。“我们真的我们需要你们用你们的第一个网络钓鱼将它打得落花流水,”我们的新客户说道。

For someone in my business, that kind of success is thrilling. And it went to my head. A few months later, a second company—a big retailer with 10,000 employees—hired us to phish them. “We really need you guys to blow it out of the water with your first phish,” our new client said.

“没问题,”我说,“我们有这个东西。”

“No problem,” I said, “we’ve got just the thing.”

我们使用了在制造公司中效果非常好的相同漏洞。在发送漏洞的那天,我热切地等待着结果。令我震惊的是,在最初的 24 小时内,只有不到 1% 的员工被我们的漏洞所感染。到第二天结束时,只有 2% 的员工被感染。到第三天结束时,仍然是 2%。到周末,只有大约 7% 的员工点击了漏洞,远不及另一家公司的 79%。这到底是怎么回事?

We used the same exploit that had worked so well for us at the manufacturing company. On the day we sent it out, I eagerly awaited the results. To my shock, barely 1 percent of employees fell for our exploit within the first twenty-four hours. By the end of day two, only 2 percent had. By the end of day three, still 2 percent. By the end of the week, only about 7 percent of employees had clicked—nowhere near the 79 percent at the other company. What was going on here?

我怀疑公司的垃圾邮件过滤器可能已经筛选出我们的电子邮件,但我们检查后发现并非如此。我们还检查了可能导致许多员工无法收到电子邮件的技术问题。结果一无所获。

I suspected the company’s spam filters might have picked out our email, but we checked and that wasn’t it. We also checked for technical problems that might have prevented many employees from getting the email. Nothing.

心灰意冷的我终止了网络钓鱼,并要求我们的客户让公司内部的经理联系收到电子邮件的员工,询问他们为什么没有点击它。结果发现,这家公司的员工对 LinkedIn 不感兴趣。在这家制造公司,员工主要由四五十岁的男性组成。这些员工喜欢 LinkedIn 并一直在使用它。由于男性整天坐在隔间里,他们中的许多人也对漂亮女性的消息情有独钟。在这家零售店,大多数员工都是二十几岁和三十几岁,女性的比例要高得多。这一代员工将 LinkedIn 视为“老年人”的网站,更喜欢 Snapchat 或 Instagram 这样的网络。当他们遇到一封提供 LinkedIn 邀请的电子邮件时,他们并没有太在意。这些员工中的女性也不太可能仅仅因为邀请来自漂亮女性就点击它。

Disheartened, I ended the phish and asked our client to have managers inside the company connect with employees who had received the email and inquire why they hadn’t clicked on it. As it turned out, employees at this company weren’t interested in LinkedIn. At the manufacturing company, the workforce had been composed largely of men in their forties and fifties. These employees loved LinkedIn and used it all the time. As males sitting around in their cubicles all day, many of them also had a weakness for a message from an attractive woman. At this retailer, most employees were in their twenties and thirties, and a much higher percentage were women. This generation of employees saw LinkedIn as a site for “old people,” preferring instead networks like Snapchat or Instagram. When they encountered an email offering a LinkedIn invitation, they didn’t pay it much attention. The females among these employees were also less inclined to click on an invitation just because it came from an attractive woman.

我们失败了,因为我凭借着我的智慧和经验(此处插入讽刺的笑声),把我的观众视为理所当然。通过思考在谈论我们之前的电子邮件有多棒的同时,我忽略了研究我们现在的目标。我对这些目标(在企业环境中工作的大公司员工)的基本了解足以让我知道,我之前用过的借口(友好邀请采取与社交媒体相关的行动)很可能有效。但这还不足以让我正确掌握借口的细节。为此,我会更仔细地观察这些目标,并更清楚地(尽管仍然相当肤浅)了解他们的基本性格特征、喜好、需求等。我会相应地调整我们借口的执行方式,发送与 Facebook 活动相关的电子邮件并要求目标点击。三个月后,我们得到了第二次机会,并发送了这样一封电子邮件。这一次,我们的点击率很高

We had failed because I, in my great wisdom and experience (insert sarcastic laugh here), had taken my audience for granted. By thinking about how great our previous email was, I had neglected to study our present targets. The basic knowledge I had about these targets—employees at a large company working in a corporate environment—was enough for me to know that the same pretext I had used earlier—a friendly invitation to take an action related to social media—would likely work. But it wasn’t enough for me to get the details of the pretext right. For that, I would look more closely at these targets and develop a clearer (albeit still fairly superficial) sense of their basic character traits, preferences, needs, and so on. I would have adjusted our execution of the pretext accordingly, sending out an email related to activity on Facebook and asking targets to click. Three months later, we got a second chance and sent out precisely such an email. This time, our click ratio was huge.

尽量不要把你感兴趣的人视为理所当然。保持健康的注意力,仔细倾听他们所说的话,尽力理解他们。但不要过度控制局面。保持冷静,检查你可能有的任何内在控制狂冲动,并尽量诚实。说谎时很难表现出真实。你越偏离事实,你就需要做越多的心理工作。在一次邂逅或一段关系中,你必须记住你所有的谎言,这样你就不会自相矛盾。即使你设法做到这一点,你的表现也可能显得尴尬或生硬。有些事情似乎不对劲。

Try not to take your people of interest for granted. Maintain a healthy focus on them, listening carefully to what they’re saying and trying your best to understand them. But don’t go overboard in your attempts to control the situation. Stay calm, check whatever inner control-freak impulses you might have, and try to be as truthful as possible. It’s very difficult to appear authentic while telling lies. The more your deviate from the truth, the more mental work you have to do. You must now remember all of your falsehoods as an encounter or a relationship proceeds so that you don’t contradict yourself. Even if you manage to pull that off, you’ll likely come across as awkward or stilted in your presentation. Something won’t seem right.

在练习建立融洽关系时,我的一个学生试图与陌生人建立共同点,方法是问他们来自哪里,然后总是声称自己来自同一个家乡。最初对明显共同点的认识让目标对象兴奋不已,但这种兴奋很快就消失了,因为他们意识到这个学生对他们的家乡一无所知,而且很可能在撒谎。不要让这样的人成为你。我认识的最好的非专业黑客他们不仅了解他们试图影响的人,而且关心和尊重他们,不会对他们撒谎。他们得到了更多他们想要的东西,而且由于他们让人们过得更好,他们在黑客遭遇后感觉很好。

When practicing rapport building, one student of mine tried to build common ground with strangers by asking them where they were from and then always claiming to be from these same hometowns. The initial recognition of apparent common ground created a burst of excitement in the targets, but that quickly faded as they realized that this student knew nothing about their hometown and was quite likely lying. Don’t let that be you. The best nonprofessional hackers I know of not only understand the people they’re trying to influence but also care about and respect them enough not to lie to them. They get more of what they want, and since they leave people better off, they come away from their hacking encounters feeling great.

在练习前几章中描述的技巧时,请牢记五大失败,以及了解听众、保持冷静和保持诚实的一般原则。如果你一直在努力少考虑自己多考虑他人,请加倍努力。你真的像你想象的那样了解你感兴趣的人吗?挑战自己去了解你以前不知道的关于他们的三四个细节——他们喜欢什么或不喜欢什么,他们正在努力应对哪些挑战,他们的背景中的哪些元素可能构成他们看待世界的方式,等等。

As you practice the techniques described in previous chapters, keep the five big fails foremost in your mind, as well as the general precepts of knowing your audience, keeping calm, and remaining truthful. If you’ve been working hard all along to think less about yourself and more about others, redouble those efforts. Do you really know your persons of interest as well as you think? Challenge yourself to learn three or four details about them you didn’t know before—what they like or dislike, what challenges they’re grappling with, what elements of their background might frame how they’re seeing the world, and so on.

如果你礼貌地询问,你会得到更多

You Get More if You Ask Nicely

以真诚为目的来完善你的互动,就是要培养更精致的社交礼仪。如果你注重细节,你的谈话就会变得更顺畅、更自然、更有说服力,坦率地说,就是更容易。随着时间的推移,你生活中的重要关系会呈现出不同的基调,变得不那么令人沮丧,更有爱,更充实。

Polishing your interactions with an eye toward authenticity is about developing a more refined command of the social graces. If you mind the details, your conversations become smoother, more natural, more compelling, and frankly, just easier. Over time, the important relationships in your life take on a different tenor, becoming less frustrating, more loving, and more fulfilling.

假设你的另一半在忙碌了一天后回家。他们又累又紧张,浑身酸痛。他们一屁股坐在沙发上,长叹一口气,打开电视。你带着一个需要解决的问题或麻烦去找他们,这个问题或麻烦与他们有关。“听着,”你说,“你又把所有衣服都扔在浴室里了,你用完了所有的卫生纸却没有在分配器上放新卷纸。你怎么了?我和你一样整天努力工作,我能记住这些事情。考虑一下。”你的抱怨可能是世界上最合理的,但是因为你如此激进地提出它,并且没有考虑到你另一半此时此刻的想法,他们不会很好地接受你的抱怨。如果你坚持下去,他们可能会大发雷霆。什么也解决不了。你们的关系只会比以前更困难。随着时间的推移,一系列这样的互动会使你们的关系变得贫乏,让你们陷入无益的行为模式。

Let’s say your significant other comes home after a long day. They’re tired and stressed and their body just hurts. They plop down on the couch, heave a big sigh, and flip on the TV. You approach them with a problem or issue you need to solve, one that involves them. “Listen,” you say, “you left all of your clothes around the bathroom again, and you used up all of the toilet paper and didn’t put a new roll on the dispenser. What’s wrong with you? I work hard all day long like you do, and I can remember these kinds of things. Have a little consideration.” Yours could be the most legitimate gripe in the world, but because you raised it so aggressively and with no thought of your significant other’s mind frame at this particular moment, they’re not going to receive it well. If you persist, they might blow their top. Nothing will get resolved. Your relationship will only be more difficult than it was. Over time, a series of such interactions will impoverish your relationship, locking you into unhelpful patterns of behavior.

相比之下,想象一下,你等了十五分钟左右,直到你的另一半有时间放松。当你走近他们时,想象你深情地触摸他们,递给他们一杯他们最喜欢的冰茶。“哇,”你说,“看起来你今天过得很艰难。你进来时甚至都没有打招呼。一切都还好吗?”当你的另一半描述他们一天过得有多艰难时,你说。“这听起来很难。听着,当你放松完后能告诉我吗?我有几件事需要和你谈谈。”也许你的另一半提出现在讨论这个问题。“不,不,”你带着安慰的微笑说,“花几分钟。”当你真的进行谈话时,你可能不会得到你想要的——你的另一半会更加尊重你,以他们更加努力保持浴室整洁的形式。但你更有可能实现这一结果。

Imagine, by contrast, that you waited fifteen minutes or so until your significant other had time to relax. When you did approach them, imagine that you touched them affectionately and handed them their favorite glass of iced tea. “Wow,” you say, “it looks like you had a rough day. You didn’t even say hi when you came in. Is everything okay?” When your significant other describes how rough their day is, you say. “That sounds hard. Listen, when you’re done chilling, can you let me know? I’ve got a couple of things I need to speak with you about.” Maybe your significant other offers to discuss it now. “No, no,” you say with a reassuring smile, “take a few minutes.” When you do have the conversation, you might not get what you want—more respect on the part of your significant other, in the form of better efforts on their part to keep the bathroom tidy. But you’re far more likely to achieve that outcome.

当然,此时你真正想做的是告诉你的另一半你有多生气。但这并不能让你更接近你的目标,也就是让你的另一半把浴室打扫得更好。所以你找借口说你是“关心体贴的配偶和伴侣”。此外,你还很在意细节。那杯冰茶只是你的一个小举动,但它证实了你的另一半,告诉他们,“我知道你喜欢什么,关心你你不会说:“嘿,看,我给你你最喜欢的饮料。”你只需要送出那份小礼物。你不会说:“看,我轻轻地拍拍你的肩膀,因为我在乎你”,或者“看,我在给你时间放松,然后再狠狠地批评你”——你只需要做这些事情。在这种情况下,你不要为了建立融洽关系而做得太过分,比如打开一瓶两百美元的葡萄酒而不是递上冰茶,或者撒谎说:“我一整天都在想我有多爱你。”这些以及类似的行为都是荒谬的。重新调整自己,远离自己的需求和欲望,考虑一下你另一半的心态,你就可以以一种简单、善良和明智的方式执行你的借口。即使你这次没有成功,你也没有破坏你们的关系。很有可能,你已经做了一点点来改善它的质量,即使你已经表达了你的愿望。

Of course, what you really want to do at this moment is tell your significant other how ticked off you are. But that’s not going to get you closer to your goal, which is to have your significant other keep the bathroom in better shape. So you adopt the pretext of “caring and attentive spouse and partner.” Further, you mind the details. That glass of iced tea is a small gesture on your part, but it validates your significant other, saying to them, “I know what you like and care about you enough to give it to you.” You don’t say, “Hey, look, I’m giving you your favorite drink.” You just give that small gift. You don’t say, “Look, I’m giving you an affectionate little rub on your shoulder because I care about you,” or, “Look, I’m giving you time to relax before I rip into you”—you just do those things. You don’t go overboard trying to build rapport in this situation, popping open a two-hundred-dollar bottle of wine instead of handing over the iced tea, or lying and saying, “I’ve been thinking all day how much I love you.” Those and similar actions would be ridiculous. Reorienting yourself away from your needs and desires and thinking about your significant other’s frame of mind, you execute your pretext in a simple, kind, and informed way. Even if you aren’t successful this time, you haven’t damaged your relationship. Chances are, you’ve done just a little bit to improve its quality even as you’ve made your wishes known.

这个例子有些微不足道,但当真正重要的时候,应用人为黑客技术并处理好细节可以产生巨大的影响。我的一个学生康拉德选修了我的课程,以帮助他从事顾问工作,并花了几个月的时间练习本书中的技术。有一天,他拿起电话得知他的父亲被诊断出患有无法治愈的晚期肺癌,并且已经扩散到全身。他的生命只剩几个月了。他的父亲痛苦不堪,而他去诊断的当地医院似乎不知道如何最好地治疗他。康拉德想带他去另一个城市的一家更好的医院。他安排接他的父亲,然后开车几个小时把他送到新医院。与此同时,他父亲的医生会打几个电话并转介他的病例,以便新医院做好准备。

This example is somewhat trivial, but applying human hacking techniques and getting the details right can make a huge difference when it really counts. One student of mine, Conrad, took my course to help him in his job as a consultant and spent several months practicing the techniques in this book. One day, he picked up the phone to learn that his father had been diagnosed with untreatable, late-stage lung cancer that had spread throughout his body. He had only months to live. His father was in great pain, and the local hospital where he had gone for diagnosis didn’t seem to know how best to treat him. Conrad wanted to take him to a much better hospital in a different city. He arranged to pick his father up and drive him a few hours to the new hospital. Meanwhile, his father’s doctors would make some calls and refer his case so that the new hospital would be ready for him.

抵达医院后,康拉德发现他父亲的医生没有按承诺打电话,医院没有空余的住院病房,一长串病人正在排队等待病房。工作人员告诉康拉德,他们无法帮助他的父亲,但如果他希望他能直接去治疗肺癌患者的肺科,直接和那里的一位医生交谈,看看她是否能提供帮助。康拉德就是这么做的。尽管他对父亲的处境深感不安,但他回想起了人类黑客技术,以及他如何能够应用它们。他特别考虑了如何能够构建一个具有正确细节的意义框架,以帮助他发挥影响力。

Upon their arrival, Conrad discovered that his father’s doctors hadn’t made the promised calls, the hospital had no available inpatient rooms, and a long line of patients were waiting for rooms. Staff told Conrad that there was no way they could help his father, but if he wanted he could go directly to the pulmonology division that treated lung cancer patients and talk directly to one of the doctors there to see if she could help. Conrad did exactly that. Although he was deeply distraught about his father’s situation, he thought back to human hacking techniques and how he might be able to apply them. And he thought specifically about how he might be able to construct a frame of meaning with the right details to help him exert influence.

“我并不认识这位医生,”康拉德回忆道,“但我意识到医生总体上是一个‘部落’的一部分。作为一个群体,他们很严肃。他们重视智慧。他们重视知识。他们非常关心自己作为专业人士的使命。因此,为了最大限度地发挥我的工作效率,我决定不把自己表现为一名医生——因为我不是医生——而是作为一个重视这些事情的人。”这意味着他必须穿着得体,使用与受过良好教育的人相称的语言。他必须迅速切入主题,注意医生通常工作过度、压力大、匆忙。更微妙的是,他必须表现得和蔼可亲、彬彬有礼、专注。他必须坚持事实,对他父亲的处境以及他——康拉德——想要的东西保持逻辑性和具体性。他还必须真实。正如康拉德所说,“我不是假装唤起这些特征,而是展现出我的这些部分。”只要康拉德这样做,倾听并同情医生的意见,不要太过强求,并避免五次真实性失败,他就会没事的。

“I didn’t know this particular doctor,” Conrad remembered, “but I reflected that doctors in general are part of a ‘tribe.’ As a group, they have a seriousness about them. They value intelligence. They value knowledge. They care deeply about their mission as professionals. Therefore, to maximize my effectiveness, I decided to present myself not as a doctor—because I’m not one—but as someone who values these same things.” This meant he would have to dress nicely and use language befitting a well-educated person. He’d have to get to the point quickly, mindful that doctors are often overworked, stressed, and in a hurry. More subtly, he’d have to appear pleasant, respectful, and focused. He’d have to stick to the facts, remaining logical and concrete about his father’s situation and what he, Conrad, wanted. He’d also have to be authentic. As Conrad noted, “I wasn’t pretending in evoking these traits, but rather just bringing out these parts of who I am.” As long as Conrad did that, listening and empathizing with the doctor, not pushing too hard and avoiding the five authenticity fails, he’d do okay.

谈话进行得很顺利。一开始,康拉德礼貌地向医生打招呼,并简要介绍了他父亲的故事以及在医院急需治疗的情况。他给了她一个她能理解的合乎逻辑的时间表。他注意医生的反应,模仿她的言语和肢体语言,以建立融洽的关系。他没有情绪化,而是唤起了自己和父亲的恐惧,坦率而有尊严地说话。当医生确认当医生告诉她没有空余床位时,他点头表示明白,并礼貌地问她:“那么,我们能做些什么来解决这个问题呢?”康拉德意识到他和医生已经建立了共识,做出了相似的手势,使用了共同的词汇,因此现在将父亲的问题视为一个他和医生可以共同解决的共同问题似乎是合理的。康拉德提出了一个建议:“也许,因为我们没有多余的床位,我们可以把他安排在走廊上,他可以待在那里接受治疗,直到有床位空出来。”医生想了想,让康拉德如释重负地同意了。在仅持续约四十分钟的谈话中,康拉德突破了通常的官僚作风,处理了看似难以克服的挑战,即确保他父亲在这家繁忙的医院接受治疗。

The conversation went well. At first, Conrad greeted the doctor politely and gave her a brief synopsis of his father’s story and desperate need for treatment at the hospital. He gave her a logical timeline that she could understand. Paying attention to the doctor’s responses, he mirrored her speech and body language so as to build rapport. Without becoming emotional, he evoked his own fear and that of his father, speaking frankly but in a dignified way. When the doctor confirmed that they had no available beds, he nodded that he understood and politely asked her, “So, what can we do about this situation?” Conrad perceived that he and the doctor had established common ground, were making similar gestures, and using a common vocabulary, so it seemed reasonable at this point to pose his father’s problem as a joint problem that he and the doctor could work out together. Conrad offered a suggestion: “Maybe, since we don’t have any spare beds, we could put him in a hallway, and he could stay there and receive treatment until a bed opens up.” The doctor thought about this, and to Conrad’s great relief, agreed. In a conversation that lasted only about forty minutes, Conrad had cut through the usual bureaucracy and handled the seemingly insurmountable challenge of assuring his father’s treatment at this busy hospital.

康拉德的父亲在这家医院住了几个月,最后还是因病去世。在此期间,康拉德经常与医务人员交谈,他采取了与第一位医生交谈时同样周到而优雅的方式,同时还利用肢体语言(平静的表情、开放的手势、张开的双手、如果对方面对他,臀部朝向对方)。“每次我走近医生或护士时,”康拉德说,“我都会尽最大努力让这个人因为见到我而感到更好。”康拉德不确定,但他相信他对人类黑客技术的认识以及他关注自己病情细节的决心起了作用。他注意到他的父亲比其他病人得到了更好的照顾。他怀疑医务人员对他的行为反应良好,这种行为既细致入微,又尊重他人,而且真诚。在这种高压环境下,病人及其家属通常会表现出沮丧和其他负面情绪,医务人员似乎注意到了康拉德努力按照他们的条件与他们互动。康拉德虽然因父亲的去世而悲痛不已,但他知道父亲已经收到了在他生命的最后几天,我们得到了无微不至的照顾,而他,康拉德,也尽了一切努力来实现这一点。

Conrad’s father stayed at this hospital for several months before succumbing to his illness. During that time, Conrad spoke frequently with the medical staff, taking the same thoughtful and polished approach as he’d taken with this first doctor, and also using body language to his advantage (calm expressions, open gestures, open hands, hips directed at the person if they were facing him). “Every time I approached a doctor or nurse,” Conrad noted, “I made my very best effort to leave this person better off for having met me.” Conrad couldn’t be sure, but he believed his awareness of human hacking techniques and his determination to attend to the details of his presentation made a difference. He noticed that his father was receiving better care than the other patients. He suspected that the medical staff were reacting well to his behavior with them, which was at once finely tuned, respectful, and authentic. In this high-pressure context, where patients and their families commonly show frustration and other negative emotions, the medical staff seemed to notice Conrad’s efforts to interact with them on their terms. As grief-stricken as he was by his father’s passing, Conrad could take comfort in knowing that his father had received excellent care in his final days, and that he, Conrad, had done everything in his power to make it happen.

康拉德的故事表明,当我们掌握了各种社会工程学原理和技术后,我们可以发挥巨大的力量。读到本书的这个阶段,你也已经可以很好地掌握这种力量了。你确实需​​要练习特定的技术,并且多练习。根据你的勤奋和专注程度,这可能需要几个月或几年的时间,但如果你坚持下去,你会看到巨大的变化。当你处理突发事件时,你不仅会对自己和他人的行为有新的认识,而且会感受到这种认识所带来的自信和平静。你不会每次都完美无缺——意外可能会发生——但你会更好地将这些意外转化为自己的优势。你也将能够更好地处理你可以预见和准备的遭遇。为了完善这本书,让我们把我们遇到的技术汇总在一起,并研究一下康拉德是如何准备与肺病学专家的重要谈话的。许多人在面试、高风险销售电话、法律诉讼、重要的“关系”谈话和其他计划好的社交活动之前都会感到紧张。如果你在活动前系统地运用人性黑客原则,你就能集中注意力,尽量减少紧张情绪,并增加成功的可能性。

Conrad’s story suggests the power we can wield when mustering the full array of social engineering principles and techniques. By this point in the book, you’re well on your way to wielding this power, too. You do have to practice the specific techniques—and practice them some more. Depending on your diligence and focus, it could take you a few months, or a few years, but if you stick with it, you’ll see a profound difference. As you handle spontaneous encounters, you’ll have not only a new awareness of what you and others are doing but also the sense of confidence and calm that such awareness provides. You won’t be perfect every time—surprises can and will occur—but you’ll be better at turning those surprises to your advantage. You’ll also be in a better position to handle encounters that you can foresee and for which you can prepare. To round out the book, let’s bring together the techniques we’ve encountered and examine how Conrad might have gone about preparing for his important conversation with the pulmonology specialist. Many people become nervous before job interviews, high-stakes sales calls, legal proceedings, important “relationship” talks, and other planned social encounters. If you apply human hacking principles systematically before an encounter, you can focus yourself, minimize your jitters, and increase the odds of a successful outcome.

第 9 章

综合起来

Chapter 9

Putting It All Together

通过提前规划来取得关键对话的成功。

Ace your critical conversations by planning them in advance.

如果您即将进行一次重要对话,请效仿社交工程师的做法:做好计划。试图入侵公司的社会工程师将此称为制定“攻击媒介”,但在日常生活中,我们可以将其称为“对话大纲”。本章将逐步介绍如何创建大纲,并提供正确进行重要对话的一般建议。

If you have an important conversation coming up, do what social engineers do: plan it out. Social engineers attempting to break into companies call this developing an “attack vector,” but in everyday life we can call it a “conversation outline.” This chapter explains how to create an outline step by step and provides general advice for getting important conversations right.

当我和我的团队准备闯入一家公司或政府设施时,我们不会临场发挥。我们会花数周时间准备我们的“攻击媒介”。我们会研究目标设施,追踪有关其位置、物理布局、安全性、领导层、员工等信息——你能想到的任何东西。我们的技术直接来自詹姆斯邦德,包括翻找垃圾、复杂的在线搜索、对关键人物进行物理监视、钓鱼电子邮件、使用看起来像普通钢笔、手表和领带的设备记录对话等等。当我们对目标有足够的了解时,我们会开始通过本书中描述的原则来制定计划。我们勾勒出借口和建立融洽关系的活动,决定谁将参与以及他们将部署哪些制服、道具、肢体语言和口头策略。我们微调细节和角色扮演对话。所有这些努力并不能保证成功,但它使成功的可能性大大增加,部分原因是它帮助我们在真正闯入建筑物时放松并保持冷静。我们有信心,因为我们已经做好了功课。我们知道会发生什么。

When my team and I prepare to break into a company or government facility, we don’t just wing it. We spend weeks preparing our “attack vector.” We research the facility we’re targeting, tracking down information about its location, physical layout, security, leadership, workforce—you name it. Our techniques are straight out of James Bond, including dumpster diving, sophisticated online searches, physical surveillance of key individuals, phishing emails, the recording of conversations using devices that look like ordinary pens, watches, and ties, and much more. When we know enough about the target, we run through the principles described in this book to build out our plan. We sketch out our pretext and rapport-building activities, deciding who will participate and what uniforms, props, body language, and verbal strategies they’ll deploy. We fine-tune the details and role-play conversations. All this effort doesn’t guarantee success, but it makes it a lot likelier, in part because it helps us relax and stay calm when we’re actually breaking into a building. We’re confident because we’ve done our homework. We know what to expect.

你可以通过制定详细的计划来处理即将到来的重要社交互动(当然,要放弃偷偷摸摸的间谍手法),从而提高你影响他人的能力。我自己在个人生活和经营公司时就是这样做的。前段时间,我注意到我的一名员工“吉米”的表现有问题。他总体上是个好人,但最近他一直在偷懒,工作质量比我习惯的要低,对工作的态度也过于懒散。如果他不改进,他的行为会疏远我们的一些客户,影响他的队友的士气,因为他们必须为他收拾残局。我本可以不假思索地打电话给吉米,提出这个话题,说:“我是你的老板。如果你不做些改变,我就要解雇你。”虽然吉米可能会改过自新,但这样滥用我的权威对我们的关系没有多大帮助,也不会激起他对工作和我们公司的热爱。

You can improve your ability to influence others by developing detailed plans for handling important, upcoming social interactions (forgoing the sneaky spycraft, of course). I do this myself in my personal life and in running my company. Some time ago, I noticed performance problems with “Jimmy,” one of my employees. He was a good guy overall, but lately he’d been slacking, putting out lower-quality work than I was used to and taking an overly laid-back attitude toward his job. If he didn’t improve, his behavior would alienate some of our clients and affect morale among his teammates, who would have to pick up the slack for him. I could have called Jimmy and broached the subject without giving it much thought, saying, in effect, “I’m your boss. If you don’t make some changes, I’m going to fire you.” Although Jimmy might have cleaned up his act, throwing my authority around like that wouldn’t have done much for our relationship, nor would it have fired up his love for his job and our company.

相反,我通过评估情况、查看 Jimmy 的 DISC 档案第1 章(我所有的员工在开始为我们公司工作时都会接受 DISC 评估)并以此为借口来做“研究”。Jimmy 属于影响者(I)类型,喜欢成为焦点的团队合作者。我必须淡化负面批评,因为渴望成为焦点的人通常不喜欢别人关注他们的缺点。我必须找到一种更微妙的方式指出他表现不佳,并激励他做出改变。如果我表现得像个“愤怒的老板”,我可能会疏远他,但如果我表现得像他的“朋友”,我就可以建立融洽的关系,并激励他改变自己的行为。

Instead, I did my “research” by taking stock of the situation, reviewing Jimmy’s DISC profile from chapter 1 (all of my employees take DISC assessments when they start working for our company), and developing a pretext from there. Jimmy was an Influencer (I) type, a team player who liked the spotlight. I would have to tone down the negative criticisms, since people who crave the spotlight don’t usually like it when others fixate on their flaws. I’d have to find a subtler way to broach his weak performance and motivate him to change. If I came across as the “angry boss,” I’d risk alienating him, but if I presented myself as his “friend,” I could build rapport and motivate him to want to change his behavior.

我为即将到来的季度签到会议制定了一个粗略计划,首先会问一些一般性的开放式问题,例如“你这个季度过得怎么样?你如何看待自己真正的优势和劣势?”如果会议如我所愿进行,他会承认自己上个季度有所懈怠。如果他不承认,我会进一步提问以引出答案,例如“你觉得自己在 XYZ 项目中表现如何?”和“上个月你负责客户 X。项目进展如何?” 我知道客户 X 的项目进展不太顺利,我希望 Jimmy 会承认这一点。如果他承认了,我会说,“哦,真的吗,跟我说说看。你认为哪些方面可以做得更好?”我希望他会向我指出他遇到的一些问题。在这种情况下,我会问他认为我们可以如何改变运营方式,以便问题不会影响我们团队的前进。会是那个提出解决方案的人,而不是我,这会对他如何看待这个问题产生很大的影响,进而也会影响到他如何致力于将这个问题付诸实践。

I cobbled together a rough plan for our upcoming quarterly check-in meeting, beginning by asking general, open-ended questions like “How has this past quarter been for you? How do you see your real strengths and weaknesses?” If the meeting went as I hoped, he’d admit to slacking this past quarter. If he didn’t, I’d pose further questions to draw it out of him, like “How do you feel you did on XYZ project?” and “You took the lead with client X last month. How did the project go?” I knew the project for client X didn’t go so well, and I hoped Jimmy would acknowledge that. If he did, I’d say, “Oh, really, tell me about that. What do you think could have gone better?” I hoped he’d cue me into some problem he was having. In that case, I’d ask him how he thought we could change our operations so the problem wouldn’t affect our team going forward. He would be the one generating the solution, not me, which would make a big difference in how he perceived it, and in turn, how committed he would be to putting it into practice.

在根据 Jimmy 的 DISC 档案制定计划时,我以一种能够帮助他脱颖而出的方式组织了这次谈话,尽管我们正在努力帮助他改进。如果他是尽职尽责 (C) 型,我可能会专注于细节。如果他是支配型 (D) 型,我可以直接告诉他,他一直在偷懒,我需要他改变。如果他是喜欢支持他人的稳重 (S) 型,我就可以强调他对团队的影响。由于他是 (I) 型,我选择以积极的方式向他介绍这次谈话,将其视为“帮助我了解我们如何改进”的机会。当然,作为这种框架的一部分,我必须真正倾听,了解我们如何才能改进公司。这样,我就能让他接受并做出必要的改变。我们会看到进步,我也能留住他。

In crafting my plan according to Jimmy’s DISC profile, I framed the conversation in a way that would help him shine, even as we were working to help him improve. If he had been a Conscientious (C) type, I might have focused on the details. If he had been a Dominant (D) type, I could have just told him straight out that he’d been slacking and I needed him to change. If he had been a Steady (S) type who likes to support others, I could have emphasized the impact he was having on the team. Since he was an (I) type, I chose to present the conversation to him positively, framing it as an opportunity to “help me understand how we could improve.” As part of this framing, of course, I had to truly listen to understand how we could improve as a company. That way, I’d get him to buy in to make the necessary changes. We’d see improvement, and I’d be able to keep him as an employee.

我的计划奏效了。起初,吉米并没有轻易承认自己的表现不佳,而是专注于自己表现“出奇地好”的时候。当我提到客户 X 时,他确实犹豫地承认项目进展不顺利,他应该为此负责。我回答说,我知道他是一名优秀的员工,而且团队有很大的改进潜力,这让他的心情更加愉快。我问他:“认为我们可以做些什么来在下一次合作中真正大放异彩?”这时,吉米承认他需要做出改变,并提出了一些建议。在接下来的几个月里,他的表现有所改善,我们的关系也更加深厚。

My plan worked. At first, Jimmy didn’t readily admit that his performance had been lacking, and instead focused on times he’d done “amazingly well.” When I brought up client X, he did haltingly acknowledge the project didn’t go so well, and he’d been responsible. I sweetened this moment for him by responding that I knew he was a great employee and that the team had great potential to improve. I asked him: “What do you think we can do to truly shine during our next engagement?” At that point, Jimmy acknowledged he had changes to make, and offered some suggestions. Over the next few months, his performance improved, and our relationship deepened.

制定对话大纲

Crafting a Conversational Outline

如果您即将参加工作面试、与客户或供应商进行谈判、与同事、家人或朋友进行艰难对话、与恋人约会,或者任何您想大放异彩的会面,都不要想着冷淡行事。根据本书中的材料,我开发了一个强大的十步框架,您可以使用它来准备我所说的“对话大纲”——即将进行的对话的书面草稿——几乎适用于任何类型的社交互动。您会发现,这一步准备将使您的会面更加清晰、干净、顺畅和富有成效。它还会增强您的信心,让您即使在对话出现意外方向时也能保持专注。在接下来的部分中,我将描述如何最好地制作对话大纲,并快速介绍这十个步骤。之后,我将讨论如何使用您为特定对话创建的对话大纲,特别是如果您精心制定的计划出现差错(或者更现实地说,当)时该怎么办。

If you have a job interview coming up, a negotiation with a customer or vendor, a difficult conversation with a colleague, family member, or friend, a big date with a romantic partner, or any encounter where you want to shine, don’t even think of going in cold. Drawing together the material in this book, I’ve developed a powerful, ten-step framework you can use to prepare what I call a “conversational outline”—a written sketch of your upcoming conversation—for almost any kind of social interaction. As you’ll find, this bit of preparation will make your encounters far crisper, cleaner, smoother, and more productive. It’ll also increase your confidence, allowing you to stay in the game even when conversations turn in unexpected directions. In the sections that follow, I’ll describe how best to craft a conversational outline, running quickly through the ten steps. Afterward, I’ll discuss how to work with the conversation outlines you create for specific conversations, and in particular what to do if (or more realistically, when) your best-laid plans go awry.

步骤#1:绘制地形图

Step #1: Map the Terrain

概述即将进行的对话的第一步是评估此次会面并记下相关事实。您将与谁互动?您需要进行 DISC 分析或对您感兴趣的人的个人资料进行大致猜测。如果此人是陌生人,这很可能发生在工作面试中,或者您正在协商购买汽车时,请从一些初步研究中收集您能收集的信息。如果您感兴趣的人保持对公众可见的社交媒体帐户,他们的帖子对他们的通信资料和其他个性方面有何暗示?您是否可以通过联系您认识的以前与他们打过交道的人来了解更多关于此人的信息?如果您要买车,您可以快速地初次拜访经销商,观察销售人员几分钟吗?

Your first step in outlining your upcoming conversation is to take stock of the encounter and jot down its relevant facts. With whom will you be interacting? You’ll want to perform a DISC analysis or come to some ballpark guess about your person of interest’s profile. If the person is a stranger, as will likely be the case in a job interview or if you’re negotiating to buy a car, glean what you can from some preliminary research. If your person of interest maintains social media accounts visible to the public, what do their postings suggest about their communications profile and other aspects of their personality? Can you learn more about the person by contacting others you know who’ve dealt with them before? If you’re buying a car, could you pay the dealership a quick, initial visit, observing the salespeople for a few minutes?

列出你感兴趣的人可能处于的心理状态以及他们的需求和愿望。如果你打算进入老板的办公室要求加薪,他们是否只有有限的时间与你交谈?他们面临什么特殊压力,你能为他们提供什么帮助?你的要求可能会引起他们什么担忧?他们有多少谈判余地?你在这次会面中有多大权力?谁更“需要”对方?如果你感兴趣的人拒绝你的请求,你还有其他选择吗?

Map out facts about your person of interest’s likely state of mind, as well as their needs and desires. If you’re planning on entering your boss’s office to ask for a raise, will they have only limited time to speak with you? What special pressures are they under, and how might you help? What concerns might your request arouse in them? How much latitude might they have to negotiate? And how much power do you have in the encounter? Who “needs” the other person more? If your person of interest refuses your request, do you have other options?

第二步:明确你的目标

Step #2: Define Your Goal

下一步至关重要。在想象未来的邂逅时,许多人从对话开始,一直到对话结束。最好先确定你的目标,然后让它塑造邂逅的方方面面。明确定义你的目标。不久前,我得知我的女儿 Amaya 弄坏了我们的房子规则,参加一个与其他青少年一起的特定在线聊天组,尽管我和妻子明确禁止这样做。虽然我们很生气,但我们决定与 Amaya 对峙的目标不仅仅是让她承认她所做的事情并同意永远不再重复。更重要的是,我们想知道她为什么不听我们的,为什么欺骗我们,这样我们就可以加强与她的关系。考虑到这些目标,我们知道我们不能咄咄逼人地与她对峙,因为她只会变得防御性很强,很可能拒绝向我们吐露心声。我们必须采取更温和的方式,同时仍然明确表示我们对她的行为感到失望。

This next step is critical. When imagining future encounters, many people start at the beginning of the conversation and work through to the end. It’s far better to define your goal first and allow it to shape the encounter’s many facets. Be precise in defining your objective. Not long ago, I learned that my daughter Amaya had broken our house rules, participating in a particular online chat group with other teenagers even though my wife and I had expressly forbidden it. Although we were furious, we decided our goal in confronting Amaya wasn’t just to get her to admit to what she’d done and agree never to repeat it. More important, we wanted to learn why she had disobeyed and deceived us so that we could strengthen our relationship with her. With these goals clearly in mind, we knew we couldn’t aggressively confront her, because she’d only become defensive and most likely refuse to confide in us. We’d have to take a gentler approach, while still making clear our disappointment with her behavior.

在确定目标时,请注意您在绘制地形图时注意到的内容(步骤 1)。如果您要进入一家汽车经销店,并且您已经承认自己需要立即购买一辆车,而实力差异对您不利,那么您的目标可能不是“以比标价低 5,000 美元的价格买到我梦想中的汽车”。这个价格可能不切实际,如果经销商只提供 2,000 美元的折扣,您就不能放弃。在制定目标时,请注意您感兴趣的人的福利和需求。如何让他们因为遇到您而变得更好?在我们与 Amaya 的谈话中,与我们建立更牢固的关系也会让她变得更好,我们理解她的行为的能力也会让她变得更好。一旦我们做到了,我们就可以采取适当的措施来解决她可能存在的任何合理担忧,这些担忧导致她违反了我们的规则。

When defining your goal, pay attention to what you’ve noticed when mapping the terrain (step #1). If you’re entering a car dealership, and you’ve acknowledged that you need a car immediately and the power differential is not in your favor, then your goal might not be “get the car of my dreams at $5,000 off the sticker price.” That price might not be realistic, and you can’t afford to walk away if the dealer offers only $2,000 off. In framing your goal, be mindful of your person of interest’s welfare and needs. What will it take to leave them better off for having met you? In our conversation with Amaya, a stronger relationship with us would leave her better off, too, as would our ability to understand her actions. Once we did, we could take appropriate steps to address any reasonable concerns she might have had that led her to break our rules.

步骤#3:决定你的借口

Step #3: Decide on Your Pretext

在大多数情况下,明确目标会自然而然地让你找到借口。在我们与 Amaya 的谈话中,我们想要了解到底是什么促使她做出这样的行为,这意味着我们不能采用“严厉、愤怒的父母”的借口,而是必须扮演“忧心忡忡的父母”的角色。砰——借口选好了。如果你租车并想让销售人员为你提供免费升级,你可能避免扮演“不满意客户”的角色,而是扮演“心情不好需要帮助的客户”的角色(假设它基于事实)。如果你对邻居的狗整天狂吠感到不满,但又需要保持友好的关系,那么你应该扮演“需要帮助的睡眠不足的年轻父母”的角色,而不是“即将起诉你的愤怒邻居”。

In most situations, clarifying your goal will lead you naturally to a pretext. In the case of our conversation with Amaya, our desire to understand what in God’s name had prompted her behavior meant we couldn’t adopt the pretext of the “stern, angry parents,” but instead had to play the role of “concerned parents.” Bam—pretext selected. If you’re renting a car and want to induce the sales associate to offer you a free upgrade, you might avoid playing the role of the “dissatisfied customer” and instead play the role (assuming it’s rooted in truth) of the “customer who is having a bad day and could use some help.” If you’re unhappy with your neighbor’s dog barking at all hours yet also need to maintain a cordial relationship, you’ll play the role of “sleep-deprived young parent who could use some help” rather than “angry neighbor who is about to sue you.”

如果你对自己的目标不甚清楚,那么找个借口就比较困难。在本书前面,我描述了一次与一位我攻击过的物理学教授建立融洽关系的失败尝试。我假装对他发表的一篇科学论文很感兴趣,也很了解。当他问我关于这篇论文的实质性问题时,很明显我没有读过这篇论文,我的借口是骗人的。我没有花足够的时间准备和集中精力于我的目标。在我的内心深处,我认为我的目标是“在教授面前显得聪明”。所以,我试图装聪明,但失败了。如果我多想想,我会采取一个更好的目标:哄骗教授花几分钟陪我走进大楼,然后在一次简短的谈话中透露了一些重要信息后,忘掉我们的遭遇。事后看来,我应该采取“感兴趣的学生”的借口,试图就教授教授教授的课程提出一个简短、无害的问题。这样的角色对于教授来说更有意义,我不需要付出太多努力,而且也会更为成功。

If you lack clarity about your goal, you’ll find it harder to generate a helpful pretext. Earlier in the book, I described a failed attempt to build rapport with a physics professor I was hacking. I had feigned great interest and knowledge of a scientific paper he had published. When he asked me a substantive question about the paper, it became obvious that I hadn’t read it and that my pretext was fraudulent. I hadn’t spent enough time preparing and zeroing in on my objective. In the back of my mind, I thought my goal was “to look smart in front of the professor.” So, I tried—and failed—to act smart. If I had thought more about it, I would have adopted a better goal: coaxing the professor to spend a few minutes walking me into the building and then, after a short conversation in which he divulged some important information, to forget all about our encounter. In hindsight, I should have adopted the pretext of the “interested student” who sought to pose a quick, innocuous question about the course the professor taught. Such a role would have made more sense to the professor, required less effort on my part, and proven more successful.

步骤#4:想象你们建立融洽关系

Step #4: Imagine Your Rapport Building

现在你已经确定了借口,考虑一下如何利用它与你感兴趣的人建立有益的联系。假设你正在考虑另一家雇主的工作机会,并且你要向现任老板要求加薪。你可以采用更激进的借口,比如“如果老板不同意加薪,员工就会辞职”。或者你可以说“员工有其他工作机会,他非常想留下来,愿意与老板合作实现加薪”。无论哪种情况,建立融洽关系都应该包括你决定何时以及如何开始谈话。你是否应该在周五下午四点半突然闯进老板的办公室,就在她离开的时候,而且知道她周一要做一个重要的演讲?或者你应该等到演讲顺利结束后,然后邀请她第二天午餐时和你一起吃三明治?后一种选择的非正式性可能会让会面更加轻松,让你能够通过祝贺老板的演讲、询问演讲细节等来热身。当然,不要表现得太友好,不要向老板询问她的配偶或孩子的情况,除非你们之间已经有了这种友谊。

Now that you’ve nailed down your pretext, consider how you’ll mobilize it to establish a helpful connection with your person of interest. Let’s say you’re considering a job offer from another employer, and you’re going in to ask your current boss for a raise. You could adopt a more aggressive pretext such as that of the “employee who’ll quit if the boss doesn’t agree to a raise.” Or you could go with the “employee with another job offer who’d really like to stay and who’d like to work with the boss to make that happen.” In either case, your rapport building should include when and how you decide to broach the conversation. Should you charge into your boss’s office unannounced on a Friday afternoon at four thirty, just as she’s leaving, and knowing she has a big presentation she’s giving on Monday? Or should you wait until after the presentation has gone well and then ask her to grab a sandwich with you at lunch the next day? The informality of the latter option will likely make for a more relaxed encounter, enabling you to warm up by congratulating your boss on the presentation, asking for details on how it went, and so on. Don’t overdo it with the friendliness, of course, asking your boss about her spouse or kids, unless you already have that kind of friendship.

步骤#5:确定潜在的影响力构建或引诱技巧

Step #5: Identify Potential Influence-Building or Elicitation Techniques

考虑到地形和您与感兴趣的人的现有关系,确定您可能使用的影响力构建技巧。您不必承诺使用特定技巧,但大致了解哪些技巧可用、哪些技巧应避免使用会有所帮助。

Considering the terrain and your existing relationship with your person of interest, identify your likely influence-building techniques. You need not commit to using a particular technique, but it helps to have a general sense of which to use and which to avoid.

如果你打算向老板要求加薪,你不会想使用权威原则(第 4 章),因为就本次对话而言,你的老板显然是权威。但喜欢原则可能会有所帮助。假设你喜欢你的老板并且喜欢和他一起工作,请提醒他们你们一起在一个项目中取得成功的经历,并承认你从老板的领导和指导中受益匪浅。然后说这样的话:“原因我今天想和你谈谈,因为我得到了一个非常有吸引力的工作机会,这让我很紧张。我真的不想接受,因为我喜欢为你工作,但他们给我的薪水太丰厚了,我很难拒绝。”

If you’re planning on asking your boss for a raise, you won’t want to use the authority principle (chapter 4), since for the purposes of this conversation your boss is clearly the authority. But the liking principle might help. Assuming you like your boss and have enjoyed working together, remind them of a time when you both succeeded together at a project, and acknowledge how much you benefited from your boss’s leadership and guidance. Then say something like, “The reason I wanted to talk to you today is because I got this really attractive job offer, and it’s stressing me out. I really don’t want to take it because I love working for you, but the money they’re throwing in front of me is so generous it would be hard for me to turn down.”

你也可以尝试互惠原则,在要求加薪之前,用委婉且不具攻击性的方式提醒老板你做出的贡献。“我真的很喜欢在这家公司工作,”你可以说,“我为我们的一些大客户做过一些非常有趣和重要的项目。我喜欢这种挑战,我很乐意继续为公司做出贡献。”然后描述你收到的工作邀请,并解释你愿意与老板合作,看看能否找到一个解决方案,让你留在现在的公司。

You might also decide to try the reciprocity principle, reminding your boss in a tactful and nonaggressive way of what you’ve contributed as a prelude to requesting a pay boost. “I really like working for this company,” you might say, “and I’ve worked on some really fun and important projects for some of our biggest clients. I’ve loved the challenge, and I’d love to continue doing great work for the company.” Then describe the job offer you’ve received and explain that you’d love to collaborate with your boss to see if you can figure out a solution that will keep you at your present company.

当你向他人寻求信息时,要仔细考虑你的诱导技巧。如果你打算进入汽车经销店讨价还价,并且想要了解他们愿意做出多大让步,你可以使用第5 章中描述的包围技术。建议一个可能的价格范围,看看他们是否愿意接受。当面对 Amaya 的不良行为时,我和我的妻子通过确认我们掌握了她所做事情的内部信息来促使她说话,事实上我们确实知道。我们注意不要以咄咄逼人的方式这样做——我们不想给人留下 FBI 审讯人员的印象。注意一下我们的肢体语言(张开的腹部、表现出轻微悲伤的面部表情)就行了。

In situations when you’re seeking information from others, think through your arsenal of elicitation techniques. If you’re planning on entering a car dealership to negotiate a price, and you want to understand how far they might be willing to bend, you might use the bracketing technique described in chapter 5. Suggest a possible price range and see if they’ll entertain it. When confronting Amaya about her bad behavior, my wife and I nudged her to talk by affirming we had insider information about what she was doing, which in fact we did. We took care not to do this in an aggressive way—we didn’t want to come across as FBI interrogators. A bit of attention to our body language (open ventrals, facial expressions that suggested mild sadness) did the trick.

步骤#6:运行快速操作检查

Step #6: Run a Quick Manipulation Check

在制定计划的这个阶段,确保你没有无意间越过施加影响和操纵之间的那条非常重要的界线。你计划说或做的事情是否会引起人们的恐惧?你的利害关系人,这反过来会迫使他们采取行动,因为他们觉得必须这样做,而不是因为他们想这样做?如果你和你的老板坐下来,暗示如果她不同意加薪,你就会离开并搞砸一个关键项目,这就是操纵。同样,如果我和妻子对 Amaya 打出内疚牌,喋喋不休地谈论我们为她做了多少,对她的行为表示失望,并声称她“欠”我们,应该告诉我们她在想什么。在这里要诚实。你的行动或行为会对你感兴趣的人产生什么影响还要记住,根据情况,你的利害关系人可能会感到恐惧或其他负面情绪,而与你所说或所做的无关。只要你没有引起这种恐惧或利用它来为自己谋利,你就可以对自己的行为感到满意,并知道这不是操纵。

At this point in your planning, make sure you haven’t inadvertently strayed over that all-important line between wielding influence and manipulating. Would anything you plan to say or do arouse fear in your person of interest, which in turn would compel them to take action because they feel they have to, not because they want to? If you sit down with your boss and suggest that you’ll leave and mess up a key project if she doesn’t agree to a raise, that’s manipulative. Ditto if my wife and I were to play the guilt card with Amaya, going on and on about how much we’ve done for her, expressing our disappointment with her behavior, and claiming that she “owes” it to us to tell us what she was thinking. Be honest here. What impact will your actions or behavior really have on your person of interest? Bear in mind, too, that depending on the situation your person of interest might feel fear or some other negative emotion independently of what you say or do. As long as you haven’t caused that fear or exploited it to your advantage, you can feel good about your behavior and know it isn’t manipulative.

步骤#7:加强非语言交流

Step #7: Pump Up the Nonverbals

在计划你的借口和建立融洽关系时,你可能已经考虑过非语言行为,包括你会选择什么样的着装风格、语气、肢体动作等等。假设你需要解决与你最好的朋友之间的争执,而你们两人的关系是典型的“兄弟式”关系。如果你经常以碰拳的方式互相问候,你可能已经把这记下来,作为建立初步融洽关系的一种小方法。或者假设你过去一年一直和同一个人约会,但约会并不愉快,你打算分手。你可能打算以友好的拥抱开始谈话——或者不。回顾第7 章,列出任何其他可能支持你的影响力建设努力并引导你实现目标的关键非语言行为,以及任何肯定不会支持你的非语言行为。还要仔细考虑你在关键时刻想要投射的基本情绪。如果你最近没有练习过,请在见面前花几分钟练习一下。

When planning your pretext and rapport building, you might have thought already about nonverbals, including what style of dress, tone of voice, bodily gestures, and so on you’ll choose. Let’s say you need to work out a dispute you’re having with your best buddy, and the two of you have a classic “bro-type” relationship. If you often exchange a cool fist bump with one another as a greeting, you might have jotted that down as a small way to build some initial rapport. Or let’s say you’ve been unhappily dating the same person for the past year and are planning on breaking it off. You might plan to start the conversation with a friendly hug—or not. Glancing back at chapter 7, list any other key nonverbals that might support your influence-building efforts and lead you toward your goal, as well as any that definitely won’t. Think through as well the base emotions you will want to project at key moments. If you haven’t practiced them recently, take a few minutes before your encounter to do so.

步骤#8:进行真实性检查

Step #8: Conduct an Authenticity Check

现在,您即将遇到的约会轮廓已经清晰起来,看起来有多“真实”?考虑到您自己的个性、您感兴趣的人对您个性的先前了解以及你们的关系性质,您的借口、建立融洽关系、建立影响力、诱导和肢体语言是否都显得真实可信?您计划的任何行动或言论是否显得不合时宜、过度或不恰当?为了确保万无一失,请向公正的一方执行您的计划,以了解他们的印象。选择一个您信任且您尊重其社交技巧的人。如果一切看起来都很好,请考虑您可以添加或调整哪些细节(如果有的话),以使约会更加真实。在设置借口时,您是否希望说或做更多事情以使其可信?您是否在使用道具来为自己谋利?您如何通过行动默默地或含蓄地建立借口,而不是明确地提出借口?您是否部署了太多细节或选择了一些具有欺骗性的细节?现在就计划进行这些调整,当大日子到来时,您会更快乐。

Now that the contours of your upcoming encounter are coming into focus, how “real” does it seem? Will your pretext, rapport building, influence building, elicitation, and body language all come across as authentic given your own personality, your person of interest’s prior knowledge of your personality, and the nature of your relationship? Do any of your planned actions or statements seem out of whack, excessive, or inappropriate? Just to be sure, run your plan by a disinterested party to get their impression. Choose someone whom you trust and whose social skills you respect. If everything seems fine, consider what details, if any, you could add or tweak to make the encounter even more authentic. In setting up your pretext, is there anything more you might wish to say or do so that it is believable? Are you using props to your advantage? How might you better establish your pretext silently or implicitly through your actions rather than explicitly presenting it? And are you deploying too many details or choosing some that are deceptive? Plan for these adjustments now and you’ll be happier when the big day comes.

步骤#9:为可能发生的意外做好准备

Step #9: Prepare for Likely Contingencies

在起草谈话提纲时,你要盘点你所知道的内容,并制定计划,以充分利用你可以控制的内容。但任何谈话中,有相当一部分是不受你控制的。你无法保证你对你感兴趣的人、他们的心理状态以及他们可能如何回应所做的假设是正确的。有时,由于各种原因,它们并不正确,你的言语或行为会产生意想不到的、无益的影响。如果你感兴趣的人在谈话过程中感到意外的压力,该怎么办?如果你的物理环境中的某些东西分散了你或你感兴趣的人的注意力,或激起了无益的情绪?如果你缺乏重要信息怎么办?如果你碰巧当时反应尴尬或无意中打破了你的计划怎么办?如果在你说了这么多、做了这么多之后,你感兴趣的人只是出于某种原因拒绝答应你的请求怎么办?

In drafting a conversation outline, you’re taking stock of what you know and crafting a plan to make the most of what you can control. But quite a bit about any conversation eludes your control. You have no guarantee that the assumptions you’re making about your person of interest, their state of mind, and how they are likely to respond are correct. Sometimes, for any number of reasons, they won’t be, and your speech or actions will have unintended and unhelpful effects. What if your person of interest is feeling unexpectedly stressed during your conversation? What if something in your physical environment distracts you or your person of interest, or arouses an unhelpful emotion? What if you lacked important information? What if you happen to respond awkwardly in the moment or inadvertently break with your plan? What if, after all you’ve said and done, your person of interest simply and for whatever reason refuses to grant your request?

虽然你无法预见每一个挑战,但为最有可能的意外情况做好准备确实有帮助。如果你收到了另一家公司的诱人工作邀请,你现在的老板可能会同意给你加薪,但只是小幅加薪,与另一家公司的报价不匹配。那时你会怎么做?如果你事先考虑清楚,你就可以确定一个可接受的薪资门槛,并用它来指导谈话。或者你可能会决定,如果老板的报价在一定范围内,你会通过询问老板是否可以为你提供额外的福利(例如更多的休假时间或更灵活的工作时间)来进行谈判,以弥补较低的薪水。

You can’t foresee every challenge, but it does help to prepare for the most likely contingencies. If you received an attractive job offer from another company, your current boss might agree to give you a raise, but only a small one that doesn’t match the other company’s offer. What will you do then? If you think this through in advance, you can determine an acceptable salary threshold and use it to guide the conversation. Or you might decide that if your boss’s offer falls within a certain range, you’ll negotiate by asking if your boss might provide you with extra benefits, such as more time off or a more flexible work schedule, that will compensate for a lower salary.

在准备质问 Amaya 违反规则的行为时,我们并没有预先确定要施加的惩罚,因为我们想考虑到可能存在一些情有可原的情况,而她并没有看上去那么有罪。相反,我们想出了几种不同严重程度的惩罚方案。当我们质问 Amaya 时,我们得知,事实上是她的一个朋友偷偷地引诱她加入聊天室。一旦她进去,她就发现很难不丢朋友的脸就脱身。她没有告诉我们,因为她感到尴尬,害怕我们会如何反应。虽然 Amaya 显然违反了规则,但她并没有故意违抗我们。我们确实必须惩罚她以明确我们的不满,但严厉的惩罚是没有必要的。相反,我们按照我们的应急计划,更加注重帮助她制定策略,以应对未来的同侪压力,并更好地与我们沟通。如果我们没有考虑可能出现的意外情况,而是坚持一个过于简单的计划,如果只要求她承担责任并承担后果,我们就会失去发现和解决根本问题的机会。

When preparing to confront Amaya about her rule-breaking, we didn’t predetermine the punishment we’d levy because we wanted to account for the possibility that extenuating circumstances had played a role and she wasn’t quite so guilty as it seemed. Instead, we came up with a few possible punishment options of varying severity. When we confronted Amaya, we learned that in fact one of her friends had sneakily lured her into participating in the chat room. Once she was in, she found it extremely difficult to extricate herself without losing face with her friends. She didn’t tell us because she was embarrassed and fearful of how we’d react. Although Amaya had clearly broken a rule, she hadn’t willfully disobeyed us. We did have to punish her to make our displeasure clear, but a harsh punishment wasn’t warranted. Instead, following one of our contingency plans, we placed more emphasis on helping her devise strategies for dealing with peer pressure in the future and for communicating better with us. If we hadn’t thought about likely contingencies and had stuck to an overly simple plan that called only for her to accept responsibility and suffer the consequences, we’d have missed a chance to identify and address the underlying issue.

提前考虑好可能发生的意外事件以及如何应对,您就更有可能在当时做出正确的反应,并以符合您利益的方式行事。相反,我见过专业黑客遭遇失败,仅仅是因为我们没有考虑明显的意外事件。有一次,我们冒充害虫防治人员闯入了我们客户的一栋建筑。由于我们必须飞往遥远的城市进行这项工作,我们无法携带通常随身携带的所有专业级杀虫剂喷洒设备,以增加我们的借口的可信度。相反,我们去了沃尔玛买了一些便宜的喷洒设备。如果我们计划得当,我们会考虑到这样一种可能性:一个警觉的保安人员在观察过灭虫员的工作后,会注意到我们的设备质量低劣,并向我们发出警告。我们可以制定一个可信的应对计划——比如,承认我们的设备很差,并解释说我们用这种设备做较小的工作,用专业级设备做更大、更复杂的工作。但我们到达目标设施后,面对质问却无法做出妥善回答。保安人员开始怀疑。拒绝进入

Thinking through contingencies in advance and how you might respond, you’ll be more likely to respond well in the moment and behave in ways that serve your interests. Conversely, I’ve seen professional hacking encounters go bad simply because we didn’t consider obvious contingencies. In one instance, we broke into one of our client’s buildings posing as pest control guys. Since we had to fly to a faraway city to do the job, we couldn’t bring all of the professional-grade pest-spraying equipment we usually take with us to lend credibility to our pretext. Instead, we went to Walmart and picked up some cheap spraying devices. If we had planned properly, we’d have considered the possibility that an alert security guard who had observed exterminators in action before would have noticed our subpar equipment and called us out on it. We could have generated a plan to respond in a way that might have been believable—say, by acknowledging that our equipment was crappy and explaining that we used this equipment for smaller jobs and professional-grade equipment for larger, more complicated jobs. Instead, we arrived at our target facility and couldn’t answer well when confronted. The security guards became suspicious. Access denied.

步骤#10:巩固你的成果

Step #10: Solidify Your Gains

尽管这一切都超出了你的控制范围,但你的谈话可能仍会按计划进行,让你实现目标。然后呢?在大多数情况下,事后跟进以巩固你的收益是有益且适当的。如果你的老板同意加薪,请以书面形式记录她的同意,以便你们都记住细节。不要以过于法律化的方式这样做。发送一封友好的电子邮件,在邮件中详细介绍细节,感谢你的老板,并邀请她纠正你,如果你有错的话。如果你正在谈判买车,那么当时就签合同就这样了。你最不想做的事情就是离开,因为这样只会给经销商一个重新考虑甚至反悔的机会。在没有书面协议且电子邮件可能不合适的情况下,请确保至少握手并以积极的方式重复商定的“条款”,因为这会让对方更难重新考虑而不丢面子。如果你为你的房产聘请了一名园艺师,可以这样说:“我很高兴找到你们,我认为每周 75 美元的割草费和 150 美元的春季清洁费非常公平。非常感谢!”你也可以要求园艺师将商定的费用写在名片上或发短信给你,并以你记性不好为由来解释这一要求。

Despite all that lies beyond your control, your conversation might still proceed as planned, leading you to realize your goal. What then? In most situations, it’s helpful and appropriate to follow up afterward to solidify your gains. If your boss agrees to a raise, capture her agreement in writing so you both remember the details. Don’t do this in an overly legalistic way. Send a friendly email in which you run through the details, thank your boss, and invite her to correct you if you got anything wrong. If you’re negotiating to buy a car, sign the contract right then and there. The last thing you want to do is leave, as that will only give the dealer a chance to reconsider and perhaps back out. In situations where you don’t have a written agreement and where an email might not be appropriate, make sure you at least shake hands and repeat the agreed-upon “terms” in a positive way, as this makes it more difficult for the other party to reconsider without losing face. If you hire a landscaper for your property, say something like, “I’m so glad to have found you guys, and I think $75 per week for cutting the grass and $150 for the spring cleanup is more than fair. Thank you so much!” You might also ask the landscaper to write the agreed-upon fee down on a business card or text it to you, justifying the request by noting that you have a bad memory.

使用你的谈话大纲

Working with Your Conversation Outline

现在您已经了解了对话大纲是什么,请开始为即将到来的会面做准备。规划一次对话可能需要 10 到 15 分钟,做过几次之后时间会更少。为了加强准备,在规划好对话大纲后,请额外花几分钟在脑海中演练这次会面,想象您和您的意中人可能会做什么或说什么。

Now that you understand what a conversation outline is, begin preparing them for your upcoming encounters. It might take you ten to fifteen minutes to map out a conversation, less after you’ve done it a few times. To enhance your preparation, take an extra couple of minutes and play out the encounter in your mind after you’ve outlined it, imagining exactly what you and your person of interest might do or say.

不要把计划推得太远。如果你发现自己花了超过十五到二十分钟的时间在谈话大纲上,或者在见面前几天反复调整和微调大纲,或者在谈话前很早就制定了谈话大纲(几周而不是几天),那么你就做得太过了。你不仅会冒着给人留下过于照本宣科、僵硬和不真实的印象的风险;如果你太依赖你的计划,当你的谈话出现意想不到的转折时,你可能会惊慌失措,不知所措。成功的黑客在计划和计划之间取得平衡一方面注重细节,另一方面留有即兴发挥和实时判断的空间。如果您的 DISC 档案显示您属于 C 型,那么您将需要特别警惕过度计划,因为这是您的天性。

Don’t push your planning too far. If you find yourself spending more than fifteen to twenty minutes on a conversation outline, or if you’re tweaking and fine-tuning the outline repeatedly in the days before an encounter, or if you’re creating a conversation outline far in advance of a conversation (several weeks as opposed to days), then you’re overdoing it. Not only do you risk coming across as too scripted, stiff, and inauthentic; if you’re too reliant on your plan, you might freak out and become paralyzed when your conversations take unanticipated turns. Successful hackers strike a balance between planning and attention to detail on the one hand and allowing room for improvisation and the exercise of real-time judgment on the other. If your DISC profile pegs you as a C-type, you’ll want to stay especially alert to over-planning, since that is your natural inclination.

即使你已经为可能发生的意外做好了计划,某些对话也几乎不可避免地会出问题。如果你来要求老板加薪,却发现她刚得知家人去世,正在哭泣,你会怎么办?如果你坐下来进行一次备受期待、风险很高的销售电话,却发现你的主要竞争对手刚刚宣布将与你的产品相同的产品降价 20%,你会怎么办?如果这些对话按计划开始,但你发现尽管你尽了最大努力,你还是无法让你感兴趣的人给你你想要的东西,你会怎么办?

It’s almost inevitable that some of your conversations will go seriously awry, even if you’ve taken care to plan for likely contingencies. What if you come in to ask your boss for a raise only to find that she is in tears, having just learned of a death in her family? What if you sit down for a much-anticipated, high-stakes sales call only to learn that your chief competitor has just announced a 20 percent reduction in the price of a product that’s identical to yours? What if these conversations kick off as planned, but you find that despite your best efforts you simply can’t nudge your person of interest to give you what you want?

职业黑客总是面临这样的挑战,我们通常能够迅速适应并挽救局面。还记得我们入侵发展中国家一家银行的情形吗?当时银行的警卫骑着摩托车,手持自动武器(第 8 章)保护着银行。我们最初的计划是,我和一位同事亲自前往银行实施入侵。当我们到达该国并查看大楼时,我们惊讶地发现,这些警卫全副武装。没有人告诉我们有这样的警卫,我们在远处进行案头研究时也不知道有这样的警卫。这些武器的存在带来了全新的风险。如果我们的计划适得其反,我们可能会被枪杀。我们没有取消入侵,而是调整了计划以降低风险。在这个国家,大多数居民都是黑皮肤,而我们是白人美国人,因此显得格格不入。我们最初计划的是,我们不是咄咄逼人地闯入银行,要求保安让我们进去进行一些技术测试,而是认为,采取更温和、低调的方式会更安全。我们想出了一个创造性的办法,在我们忙碌的时候雇佣了一位当地人来和保安交谈从他们身边走过,就好像我们应该在那里而且以前去过那里一样。

Professional hackers face challenges like this all the time, and we often manage to adapt quickly and salvage the situation. Remember how we hacked into a bank in a developing country that was protected by guards on motorbikes carrying automatic weapons (chapter 8)? Our initial plan called for me and a colleague to show up ourselves to perform the hack. When we arrived in the country and scoped out the building, we were surprised to discover all of these heavily armed guards. Nobody had told us about them, and we hadn’t learned about them while performing desk research from afar. The presence of that weaponry posed a whole new level of risk. If our plan backfired, we could get shot. Instead of calling off the hack, we adjusted our plan to lower the risk. In this country, most inhabitants were dark-skinned, and we stood out as Caucasian Americans. Rather than barge in aggressively and demand that security let us in so that we could conduct some technical testing, as we had initially planned, we judged that a softer, lower-key approach would be safer. Thinking creatively, we hired a local to engage security in conversation while we hustled busily past them, acting as if we were supposed to be there and had been there before.

在这种情况下,我们有足够的时间提前制定新计划。其他时候,我会在中途自发地想出解决方案,这样我就可以挽救正在进行的遭遇。有一次,我们试图闯入一家大型组织的首席执行官办公室,看看我们能否获得敏感文件。通过社交媒体,我们得知首席执行官要去一个异国他乡度假两周。在他离开的时候,我穿着电脑技术员的西装出现在他的办公室,声称我是来修理首席执行官的电脑的。在要求他的助手让我进入首席执行官办公室时,我告诉她,他已经提前与我们预约了这次维修,并希望在他回来之前完成维修。

In this instance, we had enough time to whip up a new plan in advance. Other times, I’ve spontaneously generated solutions midstream that allowed me to salvage encounters once they were under way. In one instance, we were trying to break into the office of the CEO of a large organization to see if we could gain access to sensitive documents. Through social media, we learned that the CEO was going away for two weeks to an exotic locale for a family vacation. While he was gone, I showed up at his office wearing a computer technician’s suit and claiming I had come to fix the CEO’s computer. In asking his assistant to let me into the CEO’s office, I told her he had prescheduled this repair with us in advance and expected it to be completed by the time he was back.

尽管我尽了最大努力,她还是拒绝让我进去。我不知所措。我的计划没有奏效,看起来我不得不放弃它。但后来我想到了一个主意。我拿出剪贴板,说:“好吧,我完全理解你不能让我进去。但如果我不能修理,我就会惹上麻烦。如果答案真的是否定的,那么我只想问你是否可以签署这份表格,说明你拒绝修理。”这一举动给她增加了压力。如果她不让我进去,她就有惹怒老板的风险。通过要求她签字,我为她澄清并加剧了这一困境,在我们两人之间创造了新的权力差异。作为一种策略,这是一种温和的操纵,不是我在日常生活中会做的事情,但考虑到我在这家公司的参与条件,这是可以允许的。助理不想在我的剪贴板上签名,但当我坚持让她或其他人签名时,她最终让步并让我进去。我当时创造性地思考,稍微偏离了原来的计划,但还是成功地完成了它。

Despite my best efforts, she refused to let me in. I was stumped. My plan hadn’t worked, and it looked like I’d have to abandon it. But then I got an idea. Pulling out my clipboard, I said, “Okay, I totally understand that you can’t let me in. But I’m going to get in trouble if I can’t do the repair. If the answer really is no, then I’m just going to ask if you could sign this form saying that you’re rejecting the repair.” This move put added pressure on her. If she didn’t let me in, she risked angering her boss. By asking her to sign, I was clarifying and intensifying this dilemma for her, creating a new power differential between the two of us. As a tactic it was mildly manipulative, not something I’d do in everyday life, but permissible given the parameters of my engagement with this company. The assistant didn’t want to sign my clipboard, but when I insisted that either she or someone else do so, she finally caved and let me in. Thinking creatively in the moment, I had deviated slightly from my original plan but had managed to bring it to a successful conclusion.

有些人在面对不可预见的情况时比其他人更灵活挑战。但你可以提高保持冷静和适应的能力。通常,在压力大的情况下,我们会变得心烦意乱,我们的“战斗/逃跑/冻结”反应被激活。保持灵活性的关键是学会比现在更密切地监控你的情绪状态。当你感到自己变得害怕或心烦意乱时,尽你所能走出它,这样你就可以恢复镇静。这可能很简单,比如在谈话中停顿几秒钟,深呼吸一两次。在其他情况下,也许你可以找个借口去洗手间,给自己五到十分钟来冷静下来,思考可能的解决方案。在其他情况下,你可以要求一两天的时间思考,然后再继续谈话。在进行即将到来的社交活动时,练习时刻关注你的情绪(提醒自己在这些活动开始前这样做)。在计划这些对话时,提前考虑一下你可以暂时优雅地离开并恢复镇静的可能方法。

Some people are more flexible than others when facing unforeseen challenges. But you can improve your ability to stay calm and adaptable. Typically, in stressful situations we become flustered, our “fight/flight/freeze” response activating. The key to staying flexible is to learn to monitor your emotional state more closely than you currently might. When you feel yourself becoming fearful or flustered, do what you can to step out of it so that you can regain your composure. This might be as simple as pausing during a conversation for a few seconds and taking a deep breath or two. In other circumstances, maybe you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, giving yourself five or ten minutes to collect yourself and to think of possible solutions. In still other circumstances, you might be able to ask for a day or two to think before continuing the conversation. When undertaking your upcoming social encounters, practice staying focused minute to minute on your emotions (remind yourself to do this just before these encounters begin). As you plan for these conversations, think in advance of possible ways you might temporarily and graciously take leave and regain your composure.

如果您确实需要暂停互动,请在回来后进行快速状态检查。你们的关系还好吗?还是已经破坏了?向您感兴趣的人问一些问题,并观察他们的肢体语言来判断他们的情绪状态。如果你们的关系被破坏了,请找到一种巧妙的方式结束谈话。如果仍然存在一些融洽关系,请考虑采用新的融洽关系建立策略或换一个借口。如果你坚持你的借口,你可以对不情愿的感兴趣的人使用的一种技巧是与他们进行一次小型谈判,推动他们朝着你想要的目标前进。在本书的前面,我描述了我是如何按照保安的要求,在没有政府颁发的身份证的情况下入侵一个大型仓库的。当保安正确地指出这一点时,我转过身说:“嘿,看,我刚刚花了十分钟完成了之前的所有安全检查。在这之后,我还有很多其他的停留要做——我不能一路走下去现在回到我的车上。我能用这个公司徽章吗?”如果他遵守礼仪,他会礼貌地拒绝,而不是示意我过去。但我们已经达成了中间立场,让我实现了进入的目标,让他感觉自己已经做了一些尽职调查。随着你计划中的对话继续进行,你开始遇到阻力,想想你可能会提出的潜在“妥协”,注意不要走得太远,以免陷入操纵的边缘。

If you do have to pause the interaction, perform a quick status check-in once you’re back. Is your rapport still intact or is it ruined? Ask some questions of your person of interest and observe their body language to gauge their emotional state. If your rapport is ruined, find a tactful way to end the conversation. If some rapport still exists, consider adopting new rapport-building tactics or switch to a different pretext. If you maintain your pretext, one technique you can use with an unwilling person of interest is to engage them in a mini negotiation that nudges them toward your desired goal. Earlier in the book, I described how I hacked a large warehouse even though I didn’t have a government-issued ID, as requested by the security guards. When the guard correctly pointed this out, I pivoted and said, “Hey, look, I just spent ten minutes going through all the previous security checks. I’ve got many other stops to make after this one—I can’t go all the way back to my car now. Could I just use this corporate badge?” If he were following protocol, he would have politely declined instead of motioning me through. But we had reached a middle ground that allowed me to achieve my goal of gaining entry, and him his goal of feeling like he had done some due diligence. As your planned conversations proceed and you begin to meet resistance, think of potential “compromises” you might propose, taking care not to go too far and verge into manipulation.

有些意想不到的挑战非常可怕,你最好干脆放弃你的黑客计划。有一次,我和我的团队试图进入一个政府机构,我们假扮摄影师,要求进入一个安全区域。我们不知道,那天一位高级政治人物正在访问该机构,这意味着这个地方挤满了人类已知的所有类型的执法人员。那里肯定有 150 名警察。我知道继续执行我的计划并不是一个好主意,但我还是打消了这些疑虑,尝试了黑客计划。

Some unexpected challenges are so daunting that you’re better off simply abandoning your hack. On one occasion, my team and I attempted to enter a government facility by posing as photographers and asking for admittance to a secure area. Unbeknownst to us, a high-ranking political figure was visiting the facility that day, which meant that the place was crawling with every species of law enforcement officer known to humanity. There must have been 150 officers thronging the grounds. I knew it wasn’t such a good idea to go through with my plan, but I dismissed those doubts and tried the hack anyway.

走近警戒线时,我和我的团队发现,值班的不是通常雇佣的保安,而是一名警长。当我递上我的假驾照去领取安全徽章时,他立刻认出了这是假的,而雇佣的保安可能不会认出来。当我坚持说驾照是真的时,警长起了疑心,拔出枪对着我,旁边站着的其他几名警官也一样。他们给我们戴上手铐,以非法侵入和持有假身份证的罪名逮捕了我。虽然他们最终在得知我们的真实目的后释放了我,但我们的借口已经被揭穿了。我们可以再次尝试入侵该设施,但我们不可能冒充摄影师。我们必须开发一个全新的角色来扮演。

Approaching the security cordon, my team and I found that instead of the usual hired guards on duty, a sheriff was also present. When I handed over my fake driver’s license to obtain a security badge, he immediately recognized it as a fake, whereas a hired guard probably wouldn’t have. When I insisted that the driver’s license was real, the sheriff became suspicious and drew his gun on me, as did a couple of other officers standing nearby. They put us in handcuffs and arrested me for trespassing and possessing a fake ID. Although they would eventually release me once they learned of our true purpose, our pretext was blown. We could try again to compromise the facility, but there was no way we could pose as photographers. We would have to develop an entirely new role to play.

强行交锋会大大增加你失败的风险。你可能不会像我一样被逮捕或被枪杀,但你可能会你可能会感到尴尬或语无伦次,疏远感兴趣的人,或者收到对你的请求的否定答复。你最好耐心一点,允许自己在另一天或以不同的方式实现目标。如果你不得不放弃你的计划,请记住,失败并不可耻。唯一可耻的是忘记找出自己的缺点并加以弥补。每次失败后,我和我的团队都会汇报情况,分析我们精心策划的计划未能实现的原因和方式。你可以汇报自己,问一些具体的问题,例如:

Forcing an encounter greatly increases your risk of failure. You probably won’t get arrested or shot as I almost did, but you might appear awkward or tone-deaf, alienate a person of interest, or receive a negative reply to your request. You’re much better off being patient and giving yourself permission to achieve your goal on a different day or in a different way. If you do have to abandon your plan, remember that there’s no shame in failing. The only shame is in forgetting to identify your shortcomings and remedy them. Following each failure, my team and I debrief, analyzing how and why our carefully conceived plan didn’t deliver. You can debrief yourself, asking specific questions such as:

  • 我什么时候感觉过于情绪化了?
  • At what point did I feel overly emotional?
  • 我在什么时候看到它变得无法控制了?
  • At what point did I see it spiraling out of control?
  • 对方未能理解我的哪些表述?我如何才能更好地表达我的想法?
  • What statements of mine did the other person fail to understand? How could I have articulated my thoughts better?
  • 我是否说过任何刻薄、讽刺或尖刻的话?
  • Did I say anything mean, sarcastic, or cutting?
  • 我没有考虑到对方的哪些需求或愿望?
  • What needs or desires of the other person did I fail to take into account?
  • 对方是否能更好地处理谈话?
  • Could the other person have handled the conversation better?
  • 我是否需要重新开始这次谈话,或者最好忘记它?
  • Do I need to revisit the conversation or is it best forgotten?
  • 我能做些什么才能让对方因为遇见我而得到更好的待遇?
  • What could I have done to have left the other person better off for having met me?

当你的计划成功时,也要汇报一下。哪些方面对你来说很有效?你本可以做哪些不同的事情?这次的表现与之前的黑客努力相比如何?你在关键领域取得了进步吗?在哪些方面你仍然在努力提高?你接下来应该在哪些具体技能上努力?每一次社交活动都是一个宝贵的机会,让你了解自己,提高你对黑客技能的掌握,并记录你不断取得的进步。无论你投入多少练习,无论你在社交场合表现得多么流畅和有效,总有成长和进步的空间。黑客的训练永远不会结束。

Debrief, too, when your plans succeed. What worked well for you? What might you have done differently? How did your performance this time stack up with your previous hacking efforts? Are you seeing progress in key areas? In what areas are you still struggling to improve? What specific skills should you work on next? Every social engagement represents a valuable opportunity to learn about yourself, to improve your grasp of hacking skills, and to register your ongoing progress. As much practice as you put in, as smooth and effective as you might become in social settings, there’s always room for growth and improvement. A hacker’s training is never done.

同情心

Empathy Rocks

还有一条建议:当你使用对话大纲来规划即将到来的会面时,请停下来思考你 真正用这个工具做了什么,以及这本书中介绍的所有黑客原则和策略。通过提前系统地研究和规划对话,我们促使自己更加了解其他人以及我们希望如何与他们互动。在较小程度上,以更非正式的方式,我们在自发部署黑客技术时也在这样做。从根本上讲,黑客攻击人类实际上是训练我们更仔细地观察他人,为他们着想,并以允许他们满足他们的需求和愿望的方式行事,这样他们反过来也会帮助我们满足我们的需求和愿望。黑客行为并非完全无私,但它确实能让你对他人的生活产生巨大的影响——这一切都是因为你在社交交往中比以前更加谨慎和深思熟虑。

One more piece of advice: as you use conversational outlines to plot upcoming encounters, pause and reflect on what you’re really doing with this tool and, indeed, with all of the hacking principles and tactics presented in this book. In systematically researching and planning conversations in advance, we’re prompting ourselves to become more aware of other people and how we hope to interact with them. To a lesser extent and in a more informal way, we’re also doing that in the moment when we spontaneously deploy hacking techniques. At bottom, hacking humans is really about training ourselves to observe others more closely, think about them, and behave in ways that allow them to fulfill their needs and wishes, so that they in turn will help us out with ours. Hacking isn’t perfectly altruistic, but it does allow you to make a powerful difference in others’ lives—all because you’ve become far more mindful and deliberate in your social exchanges than you otherwise would be.

请记住,我们在与他人的关系中经历的很多动荡都是因为我们无知和无法控制自己的行为。我们可能认为自己是善良、有爱心的人,也许在大多数时候和重要方面我们确实如此。但我们大多数人仍然盲目地跌跌撞撞地进行许多互动,完全或部分地不知道别人的感受、他们对我们的感受以及他们需要、想要和期望我们做什么。我们开玩笑、闲聊、大声说话或以其他千百种方式行事,因为这样我们感觉对了或者我们在那一刻感觉良好,却没有意识到这会给别人带来不适或让他们反感。我们被自己的情绪所迷惑,任由它们支配我们每分钟的言行。

Remember, so much of the turbulence we experience in our relationships with others arises because we’re ignorant and uncontrolled in our actions. We might regard ourselves as kind, caring people, and perhaps we are most of the time and in important ways. But most of us still stumble blindly through many of our interactions, wholly or partially ignorant of how others are feeling, how they’re experiencing us, and what they need, want, and expect from us. We crack a joke or make small talk or raise our voices or behave in a thousand other ways because it somehow feels right to us or makes us feel good in the moment, unaware that it is causing others discomfort or turning them off. Transfixed by our own emotions, we let them dictate what we say or do minute to minute.

当初学者第一次进行人类黑客攻击时,他们突然明白了他们在社交互动中所缺少的一切。他们开始比以前更加关注他人及其经历。他们变得更有同理心对他人及其感受更加敏感,也更加意识到自己的行为及其影响。他们意识到自己对自己行为的控制力远超想象,因此开始调整自己的言语和行为,以改善他人对他们的感受。随着时​​间的推移,他们训练自己观察、感同身受,并在当下自动控制自己的行为。对他人的认识和同理心促使我们采取有意识的行动:这就是我在本书中提出的黑客超能力的本质。

When beginners first practice human hacking, they suddenly understand all that they have been missing in their social interactions. They start to pay more attention to others and their experience than they had been. They become more empathetic, more sensitive to others and their feelings, and they also become more aware of their behavior and its impact. Realizing they enjoy far more control over their own behavior than they ever imagined, they begin to craft their own speech and behaviors to improve how others experience them. Over time, they train themselves to observe, empathize, and control their behavior automatically in the moment. Awareness of and empathy toward others leading to deliberate action on our part: that’s the essence of the hacking super power I’ve presented in this book.

你可能会利用这种超能力来达到恶意的目的,就像最坏的犯罪黑客那样。但我非常有信心你不会这么做。你在本书开头签署了庄严的承诺。你不想食言,对吧?如果你真的这么做了,不管是无意还是无意,我知道你会后悔并改过自新。一旦你看到了操纵可能造成的损害,就像我一样,你会对此感到难过(如果你不是一个彻头彻尾的精神病患者),并尽最大努力坚定地站在正义的一边。另一方面,当你体验到使用黑客技能造福他人是多么令人满足时,我强烈怀疑你会寻找机会做更多这样的事情。在很多场合,我都看到人们在第一次学习黑客技术时经历了持久的转变,从根本上改变了他们的生活方向,开始帮助他人。

It’s possible you’ll take this super power and use it to malicious ends, like the worst criminal hackers do. But I feel pretty confident that you won’t. You signed that solemn pledge at the beginning of this book. You don’t want to go back on your word, do you? If you ever do, accidentally or not, I know you’ll regret it and mend your ways. Once you see the damage manipulation can inflict, as I have, you’ll feel awful about it (if you’re not a total psychopath) and do your utmost to stay firmly on the side of good. On the other hand, as you experience how fulfilling it can be to use hacking skills to benefit others, I strongly suspect you’ll seek out opportunities to do more of that. On a number of occasions, I’ve seen people undergo lasting transformations upon first learning hacking techniques, fundamentally reorienting their lives toward helping others.

黑客行为深深地改变了我的学生道格。想象一下这个身材魁梧、令人生畏的骑车人——剃着光头,啤酒肚大,举止粗鲁,词汇丰富,留着长长的白胡子,一应俱全。这就是道格第一次出现在我的课堂上时的样子。如果你看到他在一条黑暗的小巷里向你走来,你可能会转过头去。在我们为期一周的课程的第一天,我想知道他能从我教的东西中得到什么。他似乎对此持嘲笑态度,最多。结果发现我完全误解了他。在课程快结束时,一周后,道格要求与我单独会面。他告诉我,学习黑客技术对他影响很大——这彻底改变了他对自己行为和与他人交往的看法。“从现在开始,”他说,“我要确保我遇到的每个人都能因为认识我而变得更好。我每天至少要为一个人做点好事。”

Hacking profoundly changed my student Doug. Picture this big, scary biker dude—shaved head, big beer gut, gruff demeanor, a “colorful” vocabulary, long white beard, the whole deal. That’s Doug when he first showed up in my class. If you saw him walking toward you in a dark alley, you’d probably turn around. During the first day of our week-long class, I wondered what, if anything, he’d get out of what I was teaching. He seemed to have a sneering attitude toward it, at best. It turned out I was misreading him entirely. Toward the end of the week, Doug requested a private meeting with me. He told me he had been greatly affected by learning hacking techniques—it had changed his whole perspective on his behavior and his interactions with others. “From now on,” he said, “I’m going to make sure that every person I meet leaves better off for having met me. And I’m going to do something nice for at least one person every day.”

道格已经开始将他的新纪律付诸实践。那天早上,他在酒店餐厅吃早餐时,一位顾客开始大声斥责女服务员服务差。女服务员没有做任何事值得受到这种待遇,而且显然很生气。道格感受到了女服务员的情绪,觉得应该做点什么。他可能会走近这位顾客,对他大喊大叫,骂他是混蛋,谁知道还会说些什么。或者他可能会走近女服务员,同情她,说那位顾客有多胖。但道格也很敏感,他知道这两种选择都不会让他们因为遇到他而得到更好的结果。相反,这些负面的对话会让他们心烦意乱,无法享受早餐。

Doug had already begun putting his new discipline into practice. That morning, he had been eating breakfast in his hotel’s restaurant when a fellow patron began loudly berating a waitress for poor service. The waitress had done nothing to deserve this treatment and was visibly upset. Cued in to the waitress’s emotions, Doug felt moved to do something about it. He might have approached the fellow patron and yelled at him, calling him a jerk and who knows what else. Or he might have approached the waitress and commiserated with her about what a big, fat [insert colorful word] that patron had been. But Doug was sensitive to the feelings of others in earshot as well, and he knew neither of those options would have left them better off for having encountered him. Rather, these negative exchanges would have disturbed them and prevented them from enjoying their breakfasts.

想了一会儿后,道格走向女服务员,对她微笑,轻声说道:“我只是想让你知道,我感谢你所做的一切。”就这样。道格没有任何私心,只是对这位女士说了一句好话,肯定了她的专业和人品。整个星期,他都专注于提高自己的情商——同情他人,并采取有意识的行动与他们建立联系。在我们上课时,他对自己获得的超能力印象深刻,并觉得应该用它来做好事,而不是做坏事。

After thinking about it for a moment, Doug approached the waitress, smiled at her, and in a soft voice, said, “I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you do.” That’s it. With no selfish motive of his own, Doug offered this woman the gift of a kind word, affirming her as a professional and as a person. All week long, he had focused on amping up his emotional intelligence—to empathize with others and to take deliberate action to connect with them. He had been impressed by the super power he had gained during our class and felt called to use it for good, not evil.

当你练习并最终掌握人类黑客技能时,利用你新发现的力量让其他人过得更好。想想他们想要什么。了解他们的感受。特别努力建立融洽关系。运用影响力技巧,让他们乐意满足你的愿望。与他人相处时做你自己,尽可能诚实地说话。当别人拒绝你的要求时,要有风度地做出反应。黑客并不像媒体经常描绘的那样都是恶意的。外面也有好黑客,他们正在让世界变得更美好。加入我们。帮助别人在你身边感觉良好是获得你想要的东西最顺利、最有效、最充实的方式。它让我进入高度安全的建筑物和 IT 系统,它将帮助你在工作中取得进步,在家里建立更牢固的关系,并在任何情况下更有效地处理问题。永远——永远——让他们因为遇见你而过得更好。同理心很棒!

As you practice and eventually master your human hacking skills, use your newfound power to leave others better off. Think about what they want. Cue into what they’re feeling. Make a special effort to build rapport. Wield influence techniques to make it pleasant for them to grant your wishes. Be yourself with others and speak as truthfully as you can. React graciously when others deny your requests. Hacking isn’t as uniformly malicious as the media often portrays it to be. There are good hackers out there, too, and they’re making the world a better place. Join us. Helping others feel great around you is the smoothest, most effective, most fulfilling way to get what you want. It gets me inside highly secured buildings and IT systems, and it will help you advance at work, build stronger relationships at home, and deal more effectively in any situation. Always—always—leave them better off for having met you. Empathy rocks!

致谢

Acknowledgments

如果我的朋友乔·纳瓦罗没有把我介绍给我的杰出经纪人史蒂夫·罗斯,如果史蒂夫没有决定给我一个机会,我就永远不会有机会把我的想法写在纸上。谢谢你们,乔和史蒂夫。

I never would have had the opportunity to put my thoughts down on paper had my friend Joe Navarro not introduced me to my extraordinary agent, Steve Ross, and had Steve not decided to take a chance on me. Thank you, Joe and Steve.

我很感谢我的合作伙伴 Seth Schulman,他拥有一种不可思议的能力,能够将文字、思想和情感生动地呈现在纸上。与 Seth 合作是一种乐趣、一种学习经历和一种祝福。

I’m grateful to my collaborator, Seth Schulman, who has an uncanny ability to take words, thoughts, and emotions and bring them alive on the page. Working with Seth has been a joy, a learning experience, and a blessing.

感谢 Hollis Heimbouch 发现这个项目的潜力。您在写作过程中的投入和合作非常完美,我非常感谢。我还要感谢 HarperCollins 团队的成员以及 Seth 的同事在研究、事实核查、文字编辑等方面提供的帮助。您的不懈努力使这本书达到了最佳状态。

To Hollis Heimbouch, thank you for spotting the potential of this project. Your input and partnership during the writing process was absolutely perfect and greatly appreciated. I also want to thank the members of the HarperCollins team as well as Seth’s colleagues for their help with research, fact checking, copyediting, and more. Your tireless work has made this book all it could be.

多年来,许多人对本书中的想法进行了塑造。我要深深感谢保罗·埃克曼博士、罗宾·德里克、乔·纳瓦罗和瑞安·麦克杜格尔。你们所有人都向我提出了挑战,帮助我进步。我还要感谢帮助我创建和运营社会工程村的核心团队:吉姆·曼利、克里斯·罗伯茨、比利·博特赖特、韦恩·罗纳森、克里斯、克里斯和Hannah Silvers 和 SEVillage Crew 的其他成员,以及 Jamison Scheeres,他们为 SECOM 和我的公司埋下了种子。我也非常感谢多年来参加我课程的许多安全专业人士和公民,你们教会了我很多东西,就像我教会了你们一样。

A number of people have shaped the ideas in this book over the years. My profound thanks go out to Dr. Paul Ekman, Robin Dreeke, Joe Navarro, and Ryan MacDougall. All of you have challenged me and helped me to improve. I also want to thank the core group that helped me create and run the Social Engineering Village: Jim Manley, Chris Roberts, Billy Boatright, Wayne Ronaldson, Chris, Kris, and Hannah Silvers, and the rest of the SEVillage Crew—as well as Jamison Scheeres, who planted the seeds of what would become SECOM and my company. I’m grateful as well to the many security professionals and citizens who have taken my courses over the years—you’ve taught me every bit as much as I’ve taught you.

我参与无辜生命基金会的工作对我影响很大。蒂姆·马洛尼,多亏了你,我不断拓宽视野,学会了更加关心他人、富有同情心。尼尔·法伦,你不仅创作了世界上最好的音乐,还体现了这本书的精神,提醒我始终关注人们及其感受。

My involvement with the Innocent Lives Foundation has deeply impacted me. Tim Maloney, thanks to you I am constantly expanding my horizons and learning to be more caring and compassionate. Neil Fallon, not only do you create some of the world’s best music, but you personify the spirit of this book and remind me always to stay attuned to people and their feelings.

我要感谢我在这个星球上最好的朋友,尼克和克莱尔·弗诺克斯、本和赛琳娜·巴恩斯、和幸和阿曼达·西、尼尔和玛丽莲·维塔尔以及马克和蒂安娜·哈曼。你们和我一起经历了这一切,给予我的比我给予你们的还要多。谢谢你们。

I wish to acknowledge my best friends on this planet, Nick and Claire Furneaux, Ben and Selena Barnes, Kazuyuki and Amanda Nishi, Neil and Marilyn Vitale, and Mark and Teanna Hammann. You guys have been through it all with me, giving me more than I’ve given you. Thank you.

最后但同样重要的是,我对上帝的坚定信仰和我拥有的美好家庭直接引领我走到了这一步。当我创办并建立世界上第一家完全专注于社会工程的公司时,我的家人一直坚定地支持我。Areesa、Colin 和 Amaya,感谢你们帮助我成为一个更好的丈夫、父亲和人。在所有人中,你们让我因为遇见你们而感觉更好。

Lastly but certainly not least, my profound belief in God and the amazing family I have has directly led me to this point. My family has steadfastly supported me as I started and built the world’s first company focused entirely on social engineering. Areesa, Colin, and Amaya, thank you for helping me become a better husband, dad, and human. You, of all people, have left me feeling better for having met you.

附录:DISC 备忘单

Appendix: DISC Cheat Sheets

唱片速查表—D“主导”

DISC CHEAT SHEET—D “The Dominant”

D” 型人希望别人直截了当、切中要点、开放、坦率并注重结果。

D”s want others to be direct, to the point, open, straightforward, and focused on results.

你如何知道你可能是“D ”:

How do you know you might be a “D”:

人们认为您固执己见、严厉苛刻、咄咄逼人或专横跋扈,但同时也认为您是一个有进取心、能做事的人。

People describe you as pushy, harsh, aggressive, or domineering but also see you as a go-getter and someone who gets things done.

识别“D”

To identify a “D” in

要正确地与“D”沟通:

To communicate with a “D” properly:

WORDS

行动

ACTIONS

愿意:

Be willing to:

准备:

Prepare for:

他们想知道什么

they want to know WHAT

非常注重任务

very task focused

简明扼要

be brief and to the point

bluntness

告诉而不是询问

rather tell than ask

可能不耐烦

may be impatient

尊重自主需求

respect need for autonomy

缺乏同情的

lack of empathy

宁愿说,也不肯听

rather talk than listen

将直接

will be direct

缺乏敏感性

lack of sensitivity

可能显得粗鲁或咄咄逼人

may seem rude or pushy

愿意承担风险

are willing to take risks

明确期望

be clear about expectations

简短对话

short conversations

使用权限

use authority

时间意识

conscious of time

让他们成为领导者

let them be a leader

唐突的评论

abrupt comments

说话快

talk fast

成就历史

history of achievements

证明你有能力

show you are competent

会很钝

will be blunt

依靠直觉

rely on gut feelings

紧扣主题

stick to topic

从自己的观点开始

start with own opinions

愿意惹麻烦

willing to start trouble

独立

be independent

如果您正在管理 D,请参考以下提示:

If you are managing a D, here are some tips:

为了帮助他们成长,您可以帮助他们:

To help them grow you can help them:

感受到同情

to feel empathy

问更多问题

to ask more questions

根据逻辑做出决定

to base decisions on logic

放松一下

to relax a little

放慢速度,倾听

to slow down and listen

赞美别人

to compliment others

柔和肢体语言

to soften body language

平易近人

to be approachable

他们想要的回报是:

What they want in return:

掌权

to be in authority

摆脱细节束缚

freedom from details

有权力

to have power

直接答案

direct answers

巨大的挑战

large challenges

灵活性

flexibility

明确界定的期望

clearly defined expectations

一些威望

some prestige

在社交媒体上,“D” 通常会:

ON SOCIAL MEDIA “D”s WILL OFTEN:

简短

be short

聚焦主题

focus on the theme

专注于任务

focus on the task

积极进取

be aggressive

光盘备忘单—I “影响者”

DISC CHEAT SHEET—I “The Influencer”

我”喜欢别人感情真诚、友善、有幽默感,最重要的是认可他们的成就。

I”s like others to be emotionally honest, friendly, have a sense of humor, and most of all to recognize their accomplishments.

你怎么知道你可能是一个“我”?

How do you know you might be an “I”:

人们评价你是一个外向、自负、有竞争力、肤浅的人,但有很强的幽默感,需要认可。

People describe you as outgoing, braggy, competitive, superficial, but having a great sense of humor and in need of recognition.

识别“我”

To identify an “I” in

要正确地与“我”沟通:

To communicate with an “I” properly:

WORDS

行动

ACTIONS

愿意:

Be willing to:

准备:

Prepare for:

他们想知道谁

they want to know WHO

使用面部表情

use facial expressions

尝试非正式的方式

try an informal approach

试图影响

attempts to influence

告诉而不是询问

rather tell than ask

自发的

are spontaneous

放松

be relaxed

需要聚光灯

need for spotlight

宁愿说,也不肯听

rather talk than listen

喜欢笑

like to laugh

让他们谈谈感受

let them talk about feelings

高估

overestimations

倾向于离题/夸大其词

tend to go on tangents / exaggerate

注意力不集中

have a short attention span

保持轻松

keep it light

超卖

overselling

使用很多故事

use a lot of stories

会显得温暖

will appear warm

提供书面详细信息

provide written details

容易受到拒绝

vulnerable to rejection

说话快

talk fast

可能是一个近距离交谈者

may be a close talker

公开表扬

give public praise

试图说服

attempts to persuade

喜欢分享情感

like to share emotion

自吹自擂

brag about themselves

运用幽默

use humor

如果你正在管理“我”,这里有一些建议:

If you are managing an “I,” here are some tips:

为了帮助他们成长,您可以帮助他们:

To help them grow you can help them:

与时间管理

with time management

与组织

with organization

更具分析能力

be more analytical

客观

be objective

强调明确的结果

to emphasize clear results

感到紧迫感

feel a sense of urgency

他们想要的回报是:

What they want in return:

受欢迎

to be popular

公众赞扬

public praise

温暖的关系

warm relationships

可见的回报

visible rewards

赞同

approval

摆脱细节束缚

freedom from details

在社交媒体上,“我”通常会:

On social media “I”s will often:

谈论他们自己

talk about themselves

吹牛

brag a little bit

注重外观

focus on looks

拍很多自拍照

take lots of selfies

光盘备忘单—“The Steady”

DISC CHEAT SHEET—S “The Steady”

S ”希望您在放松的同时,表现出认同、合作和赞赏。

S”s want you to be agreeable, cooperative, and show appreciation while being relaxed.

如何知道你可能是一个“S ”:

How do you know you might be a “S”:

人们评价你是一个冷漠、不愿意改变、行动缓慢但也非常支持他人、善于倾听并且有良好的临床态度的人。

People describe you as apathetic, unwilling to change, slow but also very supportive, a good listener, and having a good bedside manner.

识别“S”

To identify an “S” in

要正确地与“S”沟通:

To communicate with an “S” properly:

WORDS

行动

ACTIONS

愿意:

Be willing to:

准备:

Prepare for:

他们想知道为什么

they want to know WHY

征求意见

ask for opinions

要合乎逻辑

be logical

友善

friendliness

询问而不是告知

rather ask than tell

喜欢友好的环境

like friendly environments

提供安全保障

provide security

抵制变革

resistance to change

多听少说

listen more, talk less

喜欢休闲环境

like casual environments

给予改变的时间

give time for change

难以确定优先次序

difficulty prioritizing

稳扎稳打

slow and steady

病人

Patient

告诉他们他们很重要

show them they are important

难以按时完成任务

difficulty making deadlines

已保留

are reserved

服务意识

service minded

花时间进行改变

take time with changes

抵制聚光灯

resistance to spotlight

安静的

quiet

不浮华,不寻求认可

not flashy or seeking recognition

真诚

be sincere

温暖的

warm

宽容他人

tolerant of others

如果你正在管理“S”,这里有一些提示:

If you are managing an “S,” here are some tips:

为了帮助他们成长,您可以帮助他们:

To help them grow you can help them:

乐于改变

be open to change

学会吹牛

learn to brag

相信自己并表达自己的观点

to believe in themselves and state their opinions

自我肯定

with self-affirmation

学会表达

learn to present

他们想要的回报是:

What they want in return:

私人欣赏

private appreciation

平静的关系

calm relationships

安全

security

调整的时间

time to adjust

幸福的关系

happy relationships

标准程序

standard procedure

诚意

sincerity

被听到

to be heard

在社交媒体上,“S”通常会:

On social media “S”s will often:

谈论他们的队友

talk about their teammates

非常真诚

be very sincere

运用情感

use emotion

稳重可靠

be steady and dependable

光盘备忘单—C“尽责之人”

DISC CHEAT SHEET—C “The Conscientious”

C” 型人希望了解细节。他们希望别人准确、注意细节,并尽量减少社交。

C”s want to get to the details. They want others to be accurate, pay attention to detail, and minimize socializing.

如何知道你可能是“C ”:

How do you know you might be a “C”:

人们认为你是一个一丝不苟、一丝不苟的人,但有时过于挑剔、消极和吹毛求疵。虽然你很害羞,但你很珍惜为数不多的亲密关系。

People describe you as accurate and detailed but at times overly critical, negative, and nitpicky. Although shy, you value your few close relationships.

识别“C”

To identify a “C” in

要与“C”正确沟通:

To communicate with a “C” properly:

WORDS

行动

ACTIONS

愿意:

Be willing to:

准备:

Prepare for:

他们想知道如何

they want to know HOW

专注于任务

focus on tasks

给出明确的期限

give clear deadlines

不喜欢模糊性

dislike of vagueness

询问而不是告知

rather ask than tell

非常有序

very orderly

表明你是值得信赖的

show you are dependable

想要再次核实事实

desire to double-check facts

多听少说

listen more, talk less

非常细致

very meticulous

展现忠诚

show loyalty

不需要其他人

doesn’t need other people

不会反应过度

doesn’t overreact

精准

precise and accurate

得体含蓄

be tactful and reserved

大量研究

lots of research

语速较慢

slower rate of speech

时间意识

time conscious

准确

be precise

谨慎

cautiousness

谈论与写作

talk vs. write

难以阅读

hard to read

重视高标准

value high standards

详细而精确

detailed and precise

想要正确

wants to be right

集中注意力

be focused

如果你正在管理“C”,这里有一些提示:

If you are managing a “C,” here are some tips:

为了帮助他们成长,您可以帮助他们:

To help them grow you can help them:

宽容

be tolerant

享受团体

enjoy groups

接受别人的局限性

accept others’ limitations

学会寻求帮助

learn to seek help

接受别人的想法

accept others’ ideas

他们想要的回报是:

What they want in return:

明确的期望

clear expectations

事实核查

verification of facts

闪耀的机会

chance to shine

明确的任务大纲

clear task outline

专业精神

professionalism

没有快速变化

no quick changes

个人自主权

personal autonomy

在社交媒体上,“C”通常会:

On social media “C”s will often:

使用大量细节

use lots of detail

确保图片完美

ensure pictures are perfect

有更长的帖子

have longer posts

陈述大量事实

state lots of facts

笔记

Notes

简介:你的新超能力

Introduction: Your New Super Power

1. Rod Scher,“这是美国最危险的人吗?”《计算机高级用户》,2011 年 7 月,https://www.social-engineer.org/content/CPU-MostDangerousMan.pdf。

1. Rod Scher, “Is This the Most Dangerous Man in America?,” Computer Power User, July 2011, https://www.social-engineer.org/content/CPU-MostDangerousMan.pdf.

2. Christopher Hadnagy,《社会工程学:人类黑客的艺术》(印第安纳波利斯:Wiley,2010 年)。

2. Christopher Hadnagy, Social Engineering: The Art of Human Hacking (Indianapolis: Wiley, 2010).

3.西蒙·巴伦-科恩,《邪恶的科学:论同理心和残忍的起源》(纽约:Basic Books,2011 年)。

3. Simon Baron-Cohen, The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty (New York: Basic Books, 2011).

4.例如,请参阅 Shahirah Majumdar,《为什么同理心不好》, Vice,2016 年 12 月 21 日,https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/78bj8a/why-empathy-is-bad;Paul Bloom,《反对同理心:理性同情的理由》(纽约:HarperCollins,2016 年)。

4. See, for example, Shahirah Majumdar, “Why Empathy Is Bad,” Vice, December 21, 2016, https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/78bj8a/why-empathy-is-bad; Paul Bloom, Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion (New York: HarperCollins, 2016).

第一章:认识自己,才能认识他人

Chapter 1: Know Yourself, so You Can Know Others

1.本报道基于真实故事:Jon Willing,《市财政部长遭遇‘捕鲸’骗局,向虚假供应商转移 10 万美元》,《 渥太华公民报》,2019 年 4 月 8 日,https://ottawacitizen.com/news/local-news/city-treasurer-was-victim-to-a-whaling-scam-transferred-100k-to-phoney-supplier。

1. This is based on a true story: Jon Willing, “City Treasurer Was Victim of a ‘Whaling’ Scam, Transferred $100K to Phoney Supplier,” Ottawa Citizen, April 8, 2019, https://ottawacitizen.com/news/local-news/city-treasurer-was-victim-to-a-whaling-scam-transferred-100k-to-phoney-supplier.

2. Andrew Duffy,“被列为渥太华市诈骗案嫌疑人的佛罗里达男子因美国电子邮件诈骗案面临审判”, 《渥太华公民报》,2019 年 4 月 10 日,https://ottawacitizen.com/news/local-news/florida-man-named-as-suspect-in-city-of-ottawa-fraud-case-faces-trial-in-us-email-scam/。

2. Andrew Duffy, “Florida Man Named as Suspect in City of Ottawa Fraud Case Faces Trial in U.S. Email Scam,” Ottawa Citizen, April 10, 2019, https://ottawacitizen.com/news/local-news/florida-man-named-as-suspect-in-city-of-ottawa-fraud-case-faces-trial-in-u-s-email-scam/.

3.例如,牙医可能会使用 DISC 来激励患者定期使用牙线和刷牙。请参阅 Mark Scarbecz 的“使用 DISC 系统激励牙科患者”,《美国牙科协会杂志》第 138 期第 3 期(2007 年 3 月):381-85,doi:10.14219/jada.archive.2007.0171。

3. Dentists, for instance, might use DISC to motivate their patients to floss regularly and brush their teeth. See Mark Scarbecz, “Using the DISC System to Motivate Dental Patients,” Journal of the American Dental Association 138, no. 3 (March 2007): 381–85, doi:10.14219/jada.archive.2007.0171.

4.例如,一项研究发现,在组建团队时使用 DISC 可以提高团队的创造力,并帮助人们更好地合作。请参阅 Ioanna Lykourentzou 等人的《性格很重要:平衡性格类型可为众包团队带来更好的结果》, 第 19 届 ACM 计算机支持协同工作与社会计算会议论文集(2016 年 2 月):260–73,https://doi.org/10.1145/2818048.2819979。值得一提的是,我公司使用的商业 DISC 测试服务也为我提供了他们自己的研究,表明 DISC 是可靠且有益的。

4. One study, for instance, found that using DISC when forming teams improved the creativity of teams and helped people work better together. See Ioanna Lykourentzou et al., “Personality Matters: Balancing for Personality Types Leads to Better Outcomes for Crowd Teams,” Proceedings of the 19th ACM Conference on Computer-Supported Cooperative Work & Social Computing (February 2016): 260–73, https://doi.org/10.1145/2818048.2819979. For what it’s worth, the commercial DISC testing service that my company uses has also provided me with their own research showing that DISC is reliable and beneficial.

5. “Everything DiSC:Wiley 品牌”,Everything DiSC,2020 年 4 月 3 日访问,https://www.everythingdisc.com/EverythingDiSC/media/SiteFiles/Assets/History/Everything-DiSC-resources-historyofdisc-timeline.pdf。

5. “Everything DiSC: A Wiley Brand,” Everything DiSC, accessed April 3, 2020, https://www.everythingdisc.com/EverythingDiSC/media/SiteFiles/Assets/History/Everything-DiSC-resources-historyofdisc-timeline.pdf.

6. Stan Phelps,“从 Forrester 的 CXNYC 会议中获取关于实现突破性 CX 的五大经验教训”,《福布斯》,2017 年 7 月 19 日,https://www.forbes.com/sites/stanphelps/2017/07/19/five-lessons-on-delivering-breakaway-cx-from-forresters-cxnyc-conference/#63af4dce4f9d。

6. Stan Phelps, “Five Lessons on Delivering Breakaway CX from Forrester’s CXNYC Conference,” Forbes, July 19, 2017, https://www.forbes.com/sites/stanphelps/2017/07/19/five-lessons-on-delivering-breakaway-cx-from-forresters-cxnyc-conference/#63af4dce4f9d.

7. “Avista 警告诈骗者继续瞄准公用事业客户”,KHQ-TV,2019 年 6 月 18 日,https://www.khq.com/news/avista-warns-of-scammers-continuing-to-target-utility-customers/article_ed857844-91df-11e9-a6f2-2b08fc7d4d40.html。

7. “Avista Warns of Scammers Continuing to Target Utility Customers,” KHQ-TV, June 18, 2019, https://www.khq.com/news/avista-warns-of-scammers-continuing-to-target-utility-customers/article_ed857844-91df-11e9-a6f2-2b08fc7d4d40.html.

第二章:成为你想成为的人

Chapter 2: Become the Person You Need to Be

1. “关于爱情、性和婚姻的 100 个有趣的笑话和名言”, 《每日电讯报》,2018 年 12 月 14 日,https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comedy/comedians/100-funny-jokes-quotes-love-sex-marriage/richard-jeni/。

1. “100 Funny Jokes and Quotes about Love, Sex and Marriage,” Telegraph, December 14, 2018, https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comedy/comedians/100-funny-jokes-quotes-love-sex-marriage/richard-jeni/.

2.马尔科姆·格拉德威尔,《与陌生人交谈:我们应该了解不认识的人》(纽约:Little, Brown,2019 年),第 73 页。

2. Malcolm Gladwell, Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know about the People We Don’t Know (New York: Little, Brown, 2019), 73.

3.同上。

3. Ibid.

4. Brittany Taylor,《摄像头拍到诈骗行为:男子被指控冒充西大学公共工程部门员工》,KPRC-TV,2019 年 1 月 22 日,https://www.click2houston.com/news/scam-caught-on-camera-man-accused-of-impersonating-west-u-public-works-employee。

4. Brittany Taylor, “Scam Caught on Camera: Man Accused of Impersonating West U. Public Works Employee,” KPRC-TV, January 22, 2019, https://www.click2houston.com/news/scam-caught-on-camera-man-accused-of-impersonating-west-u-public-works-employee.

5. Clifford Lo,“骗子通过 WhatsApp 在四小时内骗取香港男子 43 万港币”,《南华早报》,2019 年 1 月 17 日,https://www.scmp.com/news/hong-kong/law-and-crime/article/2182575/scammers-swindle-hong-kong-man-out-hk430000-space-four。

5. Clifford Lo, “Scammers Swindle Hong Kong Man out of HK$430,000 in the Space of Four Hours on WhatsApp,” South China Morning Post, January 17, 2019, https://www.scmp.com/news/hong-kong/law-and-crime/article/2182575/scammers-swindle-hong-kong-man-out-hk430000-space-four.

6. Kathy Bailes,“两名家长成为圣劳伦斯学院学费电子邮件诈骗的受害者”, Isle of Thanet News,2019 年 1 月 8 日,https://theisleofthanetnews.com/2019/01/08/two-parents-fall-prey-to-st-lawrence-college-fees-email-scam/。

6. Kathy Bailes, “Two Parents Fall Prey to St. Lawrence College Fees Email Scam,” Isle of Thanet News, January 8, 2019, https://theisleofthanetnews.com/2019/01/08/two-parents-fall-prey-to-st-lawrence-college-fees-email-scam/.

7.我对卢斯蒂格的描述摘自《历史上最臭名昭著的金融欺诈案》,《每日电讯报》, 2016 年 6 月 6 日,https://www.telegraph.co.uk/money/consumer-affairs/the-most-notorious-financial-frauds-in-history/victor-lustig/;以及 Jeff Maysh 的《两次卖掉埃菲尔铁塔的人》,《史密森尼杂志》, 2016 年 3 月 9 日,https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/man-who-sold-eiffel-tower-twice-180958370/。

7. I draw this account of Lustig from “The Most Notorious Financial Frauds in History,” Telegraph, June 6, 2016, https://www.telegraph.co.uk/money/consumer-affairs/the-most-notorious-financial-frauds-in-history/victor-lustig/; and Jeff Maysh, “The Man Who Sold the Eiffel Tower. Twice,” Smithsonian Magazine, March 9, 2016, https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/man-who-sold-eiffel-tower-twice-180958370/.

8.这句未经证实的引言出现在 Maysh 的《两次卖掉埃菲尔铁塔的人》中。

8. This reported but unconfirmed quote appears in Maysh, “The Man Who Sold the Eiffel Tower. Twice.”

9. David J. Dance,“借口:达到必要目的的必要手段?”《德雷克法律评论》 56 卷,第 3 期(2008 年春季):807,https://lawreviewdrake.files.wordpress.com/2015/06/lrvol56-3_dance.pdf。

9. David J. Dance, “Pretexting: A Necessary Means to a Necessary End?” Drake Law Review 56, no. 3 (Spring 2008): 807, https://lawreviewdrake.files.wordpress.com/2015/06/lrvol56-3_dance.pdf.

10. William Safire,《Pretexting》,《纽约时报》,2006 年 9 月 24 日,https://www.nytimes.com/2006/09/24/magazine/pretexting.html。

10. William Safire, “Pretexting,” New York Times, September 24, 2006, https://www.nytimes.com/2006/09/24/magazine/pretexting.html.

11.参见 Art Markman 的《你的个性如何展现》,《今日心理学》, 2010 年 8 月 5 日,https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ulterior-motives/201008/how-your-personality-shines-through。本文报道了 Ryne A. Sherman、Christopher S. Nave 和 David C. Funder 的《情境相似性和个性预测行为一致性》,《人格与社会心理学杂志》第 99 卷第 2 期(2010 年 8 月):第 330-43 页。

11. See Art Markman, “How Your Personality Shines Through,” Psychology Today, August 5, 2010, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ulterior-motives/201008/how-your-personality-shines-through. This article reports on Ryne A. Sherman, Christopher S. Nave, and David C. Funder, “Situational Similarity and Personality Predict Behavioral Consistency,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 99, no. 2 (August 2010): 330–43.

12.克里斯托弗·索托(Christopher Soto),“性格可以在一生中发生改变,而且通常会变得更好”,美国国家公共电台, 2016 年 6 月 30 日,https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/06/30/484053435/personality-can-change-over-a-lifetime-and-usually-for-the-better。

12. Christopher Soto, “Personality Can Change Over a Lifetime, and Usually for the Better,” NPR, June 30, 2016, https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/06/30/484053435/personality-can-change-over-a-lifetime-and-usually-for-the-better.

13.为了保密,我改变了本文中的某些细节。

13. I’ve changed certain details in this story to preserve confidentiality.

第 3 章:确定方法

Chapter 3: Nail the Approach

1.学者们称之为“同质性”。更多详情,请参阅 Alessandro Di Stefano 等著《利用多重进化博弈论量化同质性在人类合作中的作用》, PLOS One 10,第 10 期(2015 年),doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0140646。

1. Something that scholars refer to as “homophily.” For more, please see Alessandro Di Stefano et al., “Quantifying the Role of Homophily in Human Cooperation Using Multiplex Evolutionary Game Theory,” PLOS One 10, no. 10 (2015), doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0140646.

2. Amos Nadler 和 Paul J. Zak,“激素与经济决策”,载于《神经经济学》,Martin Reuter 和 Christian Montag 主编(柏林:Springer-Verlag,2016 年), 第 41-66 页。另请参阅 Jorge A. Barraza 和 Paul J. Zak,“对陌生人的同理心会触发催产素释放和随后的慷慨”,《 纽约科学院年鉴》 1667,第 1 期(2009 年 6 月):第 182-89 页,https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1749-6632.2009.04504.x。

2. Amos Nadler and Paul J. Zak, “Hormones and Economic Decisions,” in Neuroeconomics, ed. Martin Reuter and Christian Montag (Berlin: Springer-Verlag, 2016), 41–66. See also Jorge A. Barraza and Paul J. Zak, “Empathy toward Strangers Triggers Oxytocin Release and Subsequent Generosity,” Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences 1667, no. 1 (June 2009): 182–89, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1749-6632.2009.04504.x.

3.例如,请参阅 Clint Berge 的“巴伦县居民被骗 10 万美元,警长发出警告”,WQOW 新闻 18,2019 年 6 月 24 日,https://wqow.com/news/top-stories/2019/06/24/barron-co-residents-scammed-out-of-100k-as-sheriff-gives-warning/。

3. See, for example, Clint Berge, “Barron Co. Residents Scammed out of $100K as Sheriff Gives Warning,” WQOW News 18, June 24, 2019, https://wqow.com/news/top-stories/2019/06/24/barron-co-residents-scammed-out-of-100k-as-sheriff-gives-warning/.

4.有关社会工程学的道德准则,请参阅《社会工程学框架》,《通过教育实现安全》,2019 年 11 月 13 日访问,https://www.social-engineer.org/framework/general-discussion/code-of-ethics/。

4. For social engineering’s code of ethics, please see “The Social Engineering Framework,” Security Through Education, accessed November 13, 2019, https://www.social-engineer.org/framework/general-discussion/code-of-ethics/.

5. Ewa Jacewicz 等,“不同方言、年龄和性别的发音率”,《语言变异与变化》第 21 卷,第 2 期(2009 年 7 月):233–56,doi:10.1017/S0954394509990093。

5. Ewa Jacewicz et al., “Articulation Rate across Dialect, Age, and Gender,” Language Variation and Change 21, no. 2 (July 2009): 233–56, doi:10.1017/S0954394509990093.

6. Yanan Wang,“这些州的人说话最快(纽约不是其中之一)”,《华盛顿邮报》,2016 年 2 月 4 日,https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/02/04/these-are-the-states-with-the-fastest-talkers-new-york-isnt-one-of-them/;Marchex 营销团队,“揭秘美国人的言语模式”, Marchex(博客),2016 年 2 月 2 日,https://www.marchex.com/blog/talkative。

6. Yanan Wang, “These Are the States with the Fastest Talkers (New York Isn’t One of Them),” Washington Post, February 4, 2016, https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/02/04/these-are-the-states-with-the-fastest-talkers-new-york-isnt-one-of-them/; Marchex Marketing Team, “America’s Speech Patterns Uncovered,” Marchex (blog), February 2, 2016, https://www.marchex.com/blog/talkative.

7. David Cox,“你的声音对陌生人来说是值得信赖、有吸引力的还是令人安心的?”《卫报》,2015 年 4 月 16 日,https://www.theguardian.com/science/blog/2015/apr/16/is-your-voice-trustworthy-engaging-or-soothing-to-strangers。

7. David Cox, “Is Your Voice Trustworthy, Engaging or Soothing to Strangers?,” Guardian, April 16, 2015, https://www.theguardian.com/science/blog/2015/apr/16/is-your-voice-trustworthy-engaging-or-soothing-to-strangers.

8.关于这个主题的文献非常丰富。例如,请参阅威尔·斯托尔的《西方灵魂的蜕变》,《纽约时报》,2018 年 8 月 24 日,https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/24/opinion/the-metamorphosis-of-the-western-soul.html。

8. The literature on this topic is vast. See, for example, Will Storr, “The Metamorphosis of the Western Soul,” New York Times, August 24, 2018, https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/24/opinion/the-metamorphosis-of-the-western-soul.html.

9. Sidney Kraus,《电视总统辩论与公共政策》(纽约和伦敦:劳特利奇,2000 年),第 66 页。

9. Sidney Kraus, Televised Presidential Debates and Public Policy (New York and London: Routledge, 2000), 66.

10. Thomas R. Zentall,“大鼠的互惠利他行为:其发生原因是什么?”,《学习与行为》 44(2016 年 3 月):7–8,https://doi.org/10.3758/s13420-015-0201-2。

10. Thomas R. Zentall, “Reciprocal Altruism in Rats: Why Does It Occur?,” Learning & Behavior 44 (March 2016): 7–8, https://doi.org/10.3758/s13420-015-0201-2.

11. Janelle Weaver,“猴子伸出树枝表达感激”,《自然》,2010 年 1 月 12 日,https://doi.org/10.1038/news.2010.9。

11. Janelle Weaver, “Monkeys Go Out on a Limb to Show Gratitude,” Nature, January 12, 2010, https://doi.org/10.1038/news.2010.9.

12. Hajo Adam 和 Adam D. Galinsky,《Enclothed Cognition》,《实验社会心理学杂志》 48,第 4 期(2012 年 7 月):918–25,doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2012.02.008。

12. Hajo Adam and Adam D. Galinsky, “Enclothed Cognition,” Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 48, no. 4 (July 2012): 918–25, doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2012.02.008.

第四章:让他们愿意帮助你

Chapter 4: Make Them Want to Help You

1. Mathukutty M. Monippally,《商务沟通:从原则到实践》(新德里:麦格劳希尔教育,2013 年),137。

1. Mathukutty M. Monippally, Business Communication: From Principles to Practice (New Delhi: McGraw Hill Education, 2013), 137.

2. Robert B. Cialdini,《影响力:说服的心理学》(墨尔本:商业图书馆,1984 年)。

2. Robert B. Cialdini, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (Melbourne: Business Library, 1984.).

3. Dave Kerpen,《人际艺术:11 种简单的人际交往技巧,助您实现一切愿望》(纽约:Crown Business,2016 年);Peter Economy,“白金法则为何每次都胜过黄金法则”, Inc.,2016 年 3 月 17 日,https://www.inc.com/peter-economy/how-the-platinum-rule-trumps-the-golden-rule-every-time.html。

3. Dave Kerpen, The Art of People: 11 Simple People Skills That Will Get You Everything You Want (New York: Crown Business, 2016); Peter Economy, “How the Platinum Rule Trumps the Golden Rule Every Time,” Inc., March 17, 2016, https://www.inc.com/peter-economy/how-the-platinum-rule-trumps-the-golden-rule-every-time.html.

4. Mama Donna Henes,《普遍的黄金法则》,《赫芬顿邮报》,2012 年 12 月 23 日更新,https://www.huffpost.com/entry/golden-rule_b_2002245;W. Patrick Cunningham,《作为普遍道德规范的黄金法则》,《商业伦理杂志》第 17 卷,第 1 期(1998 年 1 月):105-9 页。

4. Mama Donna Henes, “The Universal Golden Rule,” Huffington Post, updated December 23, 2012, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/golden-rule_b_2002245; W. Patrick Cunningham, “The Golden Rule as Universal Ethical Norm,” Journal of Business Ethics 17, no. 1 (January 1998): 105–9.

5. Jonathan L. Freedman 和 Scott C. Fraser,“无压力的顺从:登门槛技巧”,人格与社会心理学杂志4,第 2 期(1966 年):195–202,https://doi.org/10.1037/h0023552。

5. Jonathan L. Freedman and Scott C. Fraser, “Compliance without Pressure: The Foot-in-the-Door Technique,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 4, no. 2 (1966): 195–202, https://doi.org/10.1037/h0023552.

6. Michael Lynn,“稀缺性对价值的影响:商品理论文献的定量回顾”,《心理学与营销》第 8 卷,第 1 期(1991 年),第 43–57 页;Luigi Mittone 和 Lucia Savadori,“稀缺性偏见”,《应用心理学》第 58 卷,第 3 期(2009 年 7 月):第 453–68 页,https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1464-0597.2009.00401.x。

6. Michael Lynn, “Scarcity Effects on Value: A Quantitative Review of the Commodity Theory Literature,” Psychology & Marketing 8, no. 1 (1991), 43–57; Luigi Mittone and Lucia Savadori, “The Scarcity Bias,” Applied Psychology 58, no. 3 (July 2009): 453–68, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1464-0597.2009.00401.x.

7. Paul Dunn,《一致性在建立认知型信任中的重要性:实验室实验》,《商业伦理教学》4(2000 年 8 月):285–306,https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1009870417073。

7. Paul Dunn, “The Importance of Consistency in Establishing Cognitive-Based Trust: A Laboratory Experiment,” Teaching Business Ethics 4 (August 2000): 285–306, https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1009870417073.

8. Alfonso Pulido、Dorian Stone 和 John Strevel,“客户满意度的三个 C:一致性、一致性、一致性”,麦肯锡公司,2014 年 3 月,https://www.mckinsey.com/industries/retail/our-insights/the-three-cs-of-customer-satisfaction-consistency-consistency-consistency。

8. Alfonso Pulido, Dorian Stone, and John Strevel, “The Three Cs of Customer Satisfaction: Consistency, Consistency, Consistency,” McKinsey & Company, March 2014, https://www.mckinsey.com/industries/retail/our-insights/the-three-cs-of-customer-satisfaction-consistency-consistency-consistency.

9. Robert B. Cialdini 等人,“两种文化中对要求的遵从:社会认同和承诺/一致性对集体主义者和个人主义者的不同影响”,《人格与社会心理学公报》第 25 卷,第 10 期(1999 年 10 月):1242–53 页,https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167299258006。

9. Robert B. Cialdini et al., “Compliance with a Request in Two Cultures: The Differential Influence of Social Proof and Commitment/Consistency on Collectivists and Individualists,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 25, no. 10 (October 1999): 1242–53, https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167299258006.

10.斯坦利·米尔格拉姆,《服从的行为研究》,《异常与社会心理学杂志》第 67 卷,第 4 期(1963 年):第 376 页,https://doi.org/10.1037/h0040525。

10. Stanley Milgram, “Behavioral Study of Obedience,” Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology 67, no. 4 (1963): 376, https://doi.org/10.1037/h0040525.

11. Brandi Vincent,“联邦贸易委员会警告称,犯罪分子‘最喜欢的诡计’是假装来自政府机构”, Next Gov,2019 年 7 月 2 日,https://www.nextgov.com/cio-briefing/2019/07/scammers-are-impersonating-government-agencies-more-ever/158165/。

11. Brandi Vincent, “The Federal Trade Commission Warns That Criminals’ ‘Favorite Ruse’ Is Pretending to Be from a Government Agency,” Next Gov, July 2, 2019, https://www.nextgov.com/cio-briefing/2019/07/scammers-are-impersonating-government-agencies-more-ever/158165/.

12. Adam J. Hampton、Amanda N. Fisher Boyd 和 Susan Sprecher,“你和我一样,我也和你一样:在熟悉的社交互动之前和之后评估相似性-喜好联系的中介因素”,《社会与个人关系杂志》第 36 卷,第 7 期(2019 年 7 月):2221–44 页,https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518790411。

12. Adam J. Hampton, Amanda N. Fisher Boyd, and Susan Sprecher, “You’re Like Me and I Like You: Mediators of the Similarity-Liking Link Assessed before and after a Getting-Acquainted Social Interaction,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 36, no. 7 (July 2019): 2221–44, https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518790411.

第 5 章:让他们想告诉你

Chapter 5: Make Them Want to Tell You

1.马萨诸塞大学阿默斯特分校心理与脑科学名誉教授 Susan Krauss Whitbourne 用以下术语描述了自我表露的一般情况:“一种自我表露理论认为,你倾向于回报对方,因为你认为向你表露的人喜欢并信任你。反过来,你自我表露得越多,对方就越喜欢和信任你,然后自我表露得更多。这是自我表露互惠的社会吸引力-信任假说。第二种假说基于社会交换理论,它认为我们回报自我表露是为了保持关系的平衡:你表露,因此我披露”(Susan Krauss Whitbourne,《揭露你的秘密的秘诀》,《今日心理学》,2014 年 4 月 1 日,https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201404/the-secret-revealing-your-secrets)。

1. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, professor emerita of psychological and brain sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, describes the general landscape of self-disclosure in the following terms: “One theory of self-disclosure proposes that you tend to reciprocate because you assume that someone who discloses to you likes and trusts you. The more you self-disclose in turn, the more the partner likes and trusts you, and then self-discloses even more. This is the social attraction-trust hypothesis of self-disclosure reciprocity. The second hypothesis is based on social exchange theory, and proposes that we reciprocate self-disclosure in order to keep a balance in the relationship: You disclose, therefore I disclose” (Susan Krauss Whitbourne, “The Secret to Revealing Your Secrets,” Psychology Today, April 1, 2014, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201404/the-secret-revealing-your-secrets).

更根本的是,学者们认为,作为社会动物,人类天生就相信他人(或“默认真相”)。有关“真相默认理论”以及人类轻信后果的更多信息,请参阅蒂莫西·R·莱文的《 被骗:真相默认理论和谎言与欺骗的社会科学》(塔斯卡卢萨:阿拉巴马大学出版社,2020 年)和格拉德威尔的《与陌生人交谈》

Even more fundamentally, scholars have argued that as social creatures, human beings naturally believe others (or “default to truth”). For more on the “truth-default theory” and the consequences of human gullibility, please see Timothy R. Levine Duped: Truth-Default Theory and the Social Science of Lying and Deception (Tuscaloosa: University of Alabama Press, 2020) and Gladwell, Talking to Strangers.

2. Jeff Stone,“LinkedIn 正成为中国招募外国间谍的首选平台”,Cyber​​Scoop,2019 年 3 月 26 日,https://www.cyberscoop.com/linkedin-china-spies-kevin-mallory-ron-hansen/;Anthony Cuthbertson,“情报机构声称中国正利用 LinkedIn 监视西方”, Newsweek,2017 年 12 月 11 日,https://www.newsweek.com/china-spying-west-using-linkedin-743788。

2. Jeff Stone, “LinkedIn Is Becoming China’s Go-to Platform for Recruiting Foreign Spies,” CyberScoop, March 26, 2019, https://www.cyberscoop.com/linkedin-china-spies-kevin-mallory-ron-hansen/; Anthony Cuthbertson, “China Is Spying on the West Using LinkedIn, Intelligence Agency Claims,” Newsweek, December 11, 2017, https://www.newsweek.com/china-spying-west-using-linkedin-743788.

3.美国国家反情报和安全中心在《Elicitation》一文中设想了这一情景,访问日期:2019 年 12 月 16 日,https://www.dni.gov/files/NCSC/documents/campaign/Elicitation.pdf

3. This scenario is envisaged in “Elicitation,” National Counterintelligence and Security Center, accessed December 16, 2019, https://www.dni.gov/files/NCSC/documents/campaign/Elicitation.pdf.

4.莎朗·斯通,《密歇根州警方发布恐怖主义警告标志推文》,《三县时报》,2019 年 4 月 22 日,https://www.tctimes.com/news/michigan-state-police-tweet-warning-signs-for-terrorism/article_65d7c0fc-653c-11e9-904c-bb92d94c6056.html。

4. Sharon Stone, “Michigan State Police Tweet Warning Signs for Terrorism,” Tri-County Times, April 22, 2019, https://www.tctimes.com/news/michigan-state-police-tweet-warning-signs-for-terrorism/article_65d7c0fc-653c-11e9-904c-bb92d94c6056.html.

5. 68% 是编造的数据点。我不记得这里或报纸上的确切统计数据,但我们确实使用了在实际报纸文章中找到的真实统计数据。如果您感兴趣的话,2010 年《卫报》报道称,五分之一的人使用生日作为 PIN 码(Sceaf Berry,“五分之一的人使用生日作为 PIN 码”,电讯报,2010 年 10 月 27 日,https://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/borrowing/creditcards/8089674/One-in-five-use-birthday-as-PIN-number.html),2012 年报道称,10.7% 的人使用 1234(Nick Berry,“最常见的 PIN 码:您的银行账户容易受到攻击吗?”卫报,2012 年 9 月 28 日,https://www.theguardian.com/money/blog/2012/sep/28/debit-cards-currentaccounts)。

5. Sixty-eight percent is a made-up data point. I can’t recall the exact statistic here nor the newspaper, but we did use a real statistic we’d found in an actual newspaper article. In case you’re interested, in 2010 the Guardian reported that one in five people use a birthday for a PIN (Sceaf Berry, “One in Five Use Birthday as PIN Number,” Telegraph, October 27, 2010, https://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/borrowing/creditcards/8089674/One-in-five-use-birthday-as-PIN-number.html), and in 2012 it reported that 10.7 percent of all people use 1234 (Nick Berry, “The Most Common Pin Numbers: Is Your Bank Account Vulnerable?” Guardian, September 28, 2012, https://www.theguardian.com/money/blog/2012/sep/28/debit-cards-currentaccounts).

6.讨论说服他人的清晰度、正确性和竞争性这一主题的学术研究,Art Markman、Annabel Irion Worsham德克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校心理学和市场营销学百年教授表示:“综上所述,对自己态度的确定性会影响你是否试图说服别人你是对的。特别是,你越坚信自己的态度是正确的,你就越会专注于说服别人”(Art Markman,《为什么我们需要每个人都相信我们是正确的》,《今日心理学》,2014 年 7 月 14 日,https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ulterior-motives/201407/why-we-need-everyone-believe-were-correct)。这种趋势很可能因学者们所说的“解释深度错觉”(即人类倾向于高估自己实际理解的程度)而加剧:Leonid Rozenblit 和 Frank Keil,“民间科学被误解的局限性:解释深度的错觉”,认知科学26,第 5 期(2002 年 9 月):521–62,https://doi.org/10.1207/s15516709cog2605_1。

6. Discussing scholarship on the topic of clarity, correctness, and competition in persuading others, Art Markman, Annabel Irion Worsham Centennial Professor of Psychology and Marketing at the University of Texas at Austin, says: “Putting this together, then, being certain of your attitude can affect whether you try to convince other people that you are right. In particular, the more strongly you believe that your attitude is the right one, the more you will focus on convincing others” (Art Markman, “Why We Need Everyone to Believe We’re Correct,” Psychology Today, July 14, 2014, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ulterior-motives/201407/why-we-need-everyone-believe-were-correct). Such a tendency is likely exacerbated by what scholars call the “illusion of explanatory depth” (that is, the human propensity to overestimate how much they actually understand): Leonid Rozenblit and Frank Keil, “The Misunderstood Limits of Folk Science: An Illusion of Explanatory Depth,” Cognitive Science 26, no. 5 (September 2002): 521–62, https://doi.org/10.1207/s15516709cog2605_1.

7.研究和调查采用范围回答(针对收入、年龄等)而不是具体询问这些数字的原因之一是,这样可以提高回答率:Joachim K. Winter,“分类调查问题和经济量测量中的括号效应”,特别研究领域 504,理性概念、决策过程和经济建模/曼海姆大学,讨论文件,2002 年,35,https://epub.ub.uni-muenchen.de/19729/。

7. One of the reasons studies and surveys employ range responses (for income, age, etc.) instead of asking for these figures specifically is that it increases response rates: Joachim K. Winter, “Bracketing Effects in Categorized Survey Questions and the Measurement of Economic Quantities,” Sonderforschungsbereich 504, Rationalitätskonzepte, Entscheidungsverhalten und Ökonomische Modellierung/Universität Mannheim, discussion paper, 2002, 35, https://epub.ub.uni-muenchen.de/19729/.

第 6 章 制止邪恶行径

Chapter 6: Stop Deviousness in Its Tracks

1. Justin Bariso,“什么是情感劫持?如何通过学习答案让我成为更好的丈夫、父亲和员工”, Inc.,2018 年 7 月 11 日,2020 年 4 月 4 日访问,https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/what-is-an-emotional-hijack-how-emotional-intelligence-made-me-a-better-husband-father-worker.html。

1. Justin Bariso, “What Is an Emotional Hijack? How Learning the Answer Made Me a Better Husband, Father, and Worker,” Inc., July 11, 2018, accessed April 4, 2020, https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/what-is-an-emotional-hijack-how-emotional-intelligence-made-me-a-better-husband-father-worker.html.

2.这还只是个开始。有关赌场操纵人们增加赌博次数的众多方法的更多信息,请参阅 Mark Griffiths 和 Jonathan Parke 合著的《赌博的环境心理学》,收录于《赌博:谁赢了?谁输了?》,Gerda Reith 主编(纽约:Prometheus Books,2003 年),第 277-92 页。

2. And that’s just the beginning. For more on the many ways that casinos manipulate people to gamble more, see Mark Griffiths and Jonathan Parke, “The Environmental Psychology of Gambling,” in Gambling: Who Wins? Who Loses?, ed. Gerda Reith (New York: Prometheus Books, 2003), 277–92.

3. Humayun Khan,“零售商如何利用视觉、嗅觉和声音来激发消费者的购买行为”, Shopify 零售营销博客,2016 年 4 月 25 日,https://www.shopify.com/retail/119926083-零售商如何操纵视觉、嗅觉和听觉来触发消费者的购买行为。

3. Humayun Khan, “How Retailers Manipulate Sight, Smell, and Sound to Trigger Purchase Behavior in Consumers,” Shopify Retail Marketing Blog, April 25, 2016, https://www.shopify.com/retail/119926083-how-retailers-manipulate-sight-smell-and-sound-to-trigger-purchase-behavior-in-consumers.

4. John Leyden,“罗马尼亚‘勒索软件受害者’上吊自杀及杀害 4 岁儿子——报道”, Register,2014 年 3 月 18 日,https://www.theregister.co.uk/2014/03/18/romania_ransomware_murder_suicide/。

4. John Leyden, “Romanian ‘Ransomware Victim’ Hangs Self and 4-Year-Old Son—Report,” Register, March 18, 2014, https://www.theregister.co.uk/2014/03/18/romania_ransomware_murder_suicide/.

5. J. Stuart Ablon,《可变:协作解决问题如何改变家庭、学校和工作生活》(纽约:TarcherPerigee,2018 年),第 119 页。

5. J. Stuart Ablon, Changeable: How Collaborative Problem Solving Changes Lives at Home, at School, and at Work (New York: TarcherPerigee, 2018), 119.

6. Stephen Little,“警惕可能让你损失 5,000 英镑的度假别墅骗局”, Moneywise,2019 年 1 月 17 日,https://www.moneywise.co.uk/news/2019-01-17%E2%80%8C%E2%80%8C/beware-holiday-villa-scams-could-cost-you-ps5000。

6. Stephen Little, “Beware Holiday Villa Scams That Could Cost You £5,000,” Moneywise, January 17, 2019, https://www.moneywise.co.uk/news/2019-01-17%E2%80%8C%E2%80%8C/beware-holiday-villa-scams-could-cost-you-ps5000.

7.有关此类骗局的更多信息,请参阅美国国立卫生研究院管理办公室的“虚拟绑架勒索骗局”,访问日期:2020 年 4 月 4 日,https://www.ors.od.nih.gov/News/Pages/Beware-of-Virtual-Kidnapping-Ransom-Scam.aspx。

7. For more on this scam, see “Virtual Kidnapping Ransom Scam,” National Institutes of Health Office of Management, accessed April 4, 2020, https://www.ors.od.nih.gov/News/Pages/Beware-of-Virtual-Kidnapping-Ransom-Scam.aspx.

8. “可怕的绑架骗局利用亲人手机拨打的恶作剧电话瞄准家庭”,NBC Chicago 5,2019 年 3 月 18 日,https://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/virtual-kidnapping-scam-reported-in-indiana/162372/。

8. “Terrifying Kidnapping Scam Targets Families with Hoax Calls from Loved Ones’ Phones,” NBC Chicago 5, March 18, 2019, https://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/virtual-kidnapping-scam-reported-in-indiana/162372/.

9. “‘广告商利用性爱元素,因为这样做非常有效’,研究员 Tom Reichert 说道,他是佐治亚大学格雷迪新闻与大众传播学院广告与公共关系系的教授兼系主任。”但他警告说:“在销售高风险、信息性产品(如银行服务、家用电器和多用途卡车)时,性爱元素的效果并不那么好”(April Reese Sorrow,《杂志趋势研究发现使用性爱元素的广告有所增加》,佐治亚大学今日报,2012 年 6 月 5 日,https://news.uga.edu/magazine-trends-study-finds-increase-in-advertisements-using-sex/)。

9. “‘Advertisers use sex because it can be very effective,’ said researcher Tom Reichert, professor and head of the department of advertising and public relations in the UGA Grady College of Journalism and Mass Communication.” But he warned: “Sex is not as effective when selling high-risk, informational products such as banking services, appliances and utility trucks” (April Reese Sorrow, “Magazine Trends Study Finds Increase in Advertisements Using Sex,” University of Georgia Today, June 5, 2012, https://news.uga.edu/magazine-trends-study-finds-increase-in-advertisements-using-sex/).

10.经过多年的低俗广告,控制快餐连锁店 Carl's Jr. 的 CKE Restaurants 于 2019 年底决定在该汉堡连锁店的广告中用物质(即食物)代替性爱:Tiffany Hsu,《Carl's Jr. 的营销计划:推销汉堡,而不是性爱》,《纽约时报》,2019 年 11 月 13 日,https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/13/business/media/new-carls-jr-ads.html。

10. After years of tawdry advertisements, CKE Restaurants, which controls fast-food chain Carl’s Jr., decided in late 2019 to substitute substance (in their case food) for sex in the burger chain’s ads: Tiffany Hsu, “Carl’s Jr.’s Marketing Plan: Pitch Burgers, Not Sex,” New York Times, November 13, 2019, https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/13/business/media/new-carls-jr-ads.html.

11.关于人类的联合创始人琳达·拉夫特里创造了“贫困色情”一词,并坚信它破坏了而不是帮助了支持大多数慈善机构的目标:Aimee Meade,《情感慈善广告——公众受够了吗?》,《卫报》,2014 年 9 月 29 日,https://www.theguardian.com/voluntary-sector-network/2014/sep/29/poverty-porn-charity-adverts-emotional-fundraising。

11. Linda Raftree, cofounder of Regarding Humanity, coined the term “poverty porn” and strongly believes it undermines rather than helps bolster the aims of most charities: Aimee Meade, “Emotive Charity Advertising—Has the Public Had Enough?,” Guardian, September 29, 2014, https://www.theguardian.com/voluntary-sector-network/2014/sep/29/poverty-porn-charity-adverts-emotional-fundraising.

12. Meade,“情感慈善广告”。

12. Meade, “Emotive Charity Advertising.”

13.对于此简介,我非常感谢 Bruce Grierson 的贡献,“如果年龄不过是一种心态?”,纽约时报杂志,2014 年 10 月 22 日,https://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/26/magazine/what-if-age-is-nothing-but-a-mind-set.html。

13. For this profile, I am indebted to Bruce Grierson, “What if Age Is Nothing but a Mind-Set?,” New York Times Magazine, October 22, 2014, https://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/26/magazine/what-if-age-is-nothing-but-a-mind-set.html.

14.艾伦·J·兰格,《逆时针:正念健康和可能性的力量》(纽约:Ballantine Books,2009 年)

14. Ellen J. Langer, Counter Clockwise: Mindful Health and the Power of Possibility (New York: Ballantine Books, 2009)

15.卡罗尔·罗森伯格,“遭受酷刑的人眼中中情局的酷刑计划是什么样的”,《纽约时报》,2019 年 12 月 4 日,https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/04/us/politics/cia-torture-drawings.html。

15. Carol Rosenberg, “What the C.I.A.’s Torture Program Looked Like to the Tortured,” New York Times, December 4, 2019, https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/04/us/politics/cia-torture-drawings.html.

16.编辑委员会,“不要把目光移开”,《纽约时报》,2019 年 12 月 5 日,https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/05/opinion/cia-torture-drawings.html;James Risen 和 Sheri Fink,“特朗普称‘酷刑有效’。全球担心其会引起反响”,《纽约时报》,2017 年 1 月 5 日,https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/05/us/politics/trump-torture-guantanamo.html。

16. Editorial Board, “Don’t Look Away,” New York Times, December 5, 2019, https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/05/opinion/cia-torture-drawings.html; James Risen and Sheri Fink, “Trump Said ‘Torture Works.’ An Echo Is Feared Worldwide,” New York Times, January 5, 2017, https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/05/us/politics/trump-torture-guantanamo.html.

17.尽管焦虑与抑郁和饮食失调之间的关联性要强得多:Julie Beck,《不确定性如何加剧焦虑》,《大西洋月刊》,2015 年 3 月 18 日,https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/03/how-uncertainty-fuels-anxiety/388066/。

17. Though anxiety was much more strongly associated than depression and eating disorders: Julie Beck, “How Uncertainty Fuels Anxiety,” Atlantic, March 18, 2015, https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/03/how-uncertainty-fuels-anxiety/388066/.

18. Archy O. de Berker 等人,“不确定性计算介导人类的急性应激反应”,《自然通讯》第 7 期(2016 年 3 月),https://doi.org/10.1038/ncomms10996。我对这项研究的评价来自神经科学家 Marc Lewis,他认为这项研究代表了“迄今为止对不确定性和压力之间关系最复杂的实验”(Marc Lewis,《我们为什么天生讨厌不确定性》,《卫报》,2016 年 4 月 4 日,https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/apr/04/uncertainty-stressful-research-neuroscience)。

18. Archy O. de Berker et al., “Computations of Uncertainty Mediate Acute Stress Responses in Humans,” Nature Communications 7 (March 2016), https://doi.org/10.1038/ncomms10996. I take my evaluation of this research from neuroscientist Marc Lewis, who suggested this study represented “the most sophisticated experiment ever conceived on the relationship between uncertainty and stress” (Marc Lewis, “Why We’re Hardwired to Hate Uncertainty,” Guardian, April 4, 2016, https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/apr/04/uncertainty-stressful-research-neuroscience).

19.刘易斯,“我们为何如此天生如此。”

19. Lewis, “Why We’re Hardwired.”

20.同上。

20. Ibid.

21.同上。

21. Ibid.

22.刘易斯对员工开车上班时可能迟到时所感到的焦虑提出了类似的假设。同上。

22. Lewis offers a similar hypothetical about the anxiety an employee feels when driving to work and faced with the possibility of arriving late. Ibid.

23. Susan Weinschenk,“为何拥有选择会让我们感到强大”,《今日心理学》,2013 年 1 月 24 日,https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-wise/201301/why-having-choices-makes-us-feel-powerful。

23. Susan Weinschenk, “Why Having Choices Makes Us Feel Powerful,” Psychology Today, January 24, 2013, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-wise/201301/why-having-choices-makes-us-feel-powerful.

24. Lauren A. Leotti、Sheena S. Iyengar 和 Kevin N. Ochsner,“生来就要选择:控制需要的起源和价值”,《认知 科学趋势》第 14 卷,第 10 期(2010 年 10 月):457–63 页,https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2010.08.001。

24. Lauren A. Leotti, Sheena S. Iyengar, and Kevin N. Ochsner, “Born to Choose: The Origins and Value of the Need for Control,” Trends in Cognitive Sciences 14, no. 10 (October 2010): 457–63, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2010.08.001.

25.同上。

25. Ibid.

26. Diane Hoskins,“当员工能够控制自己的空间时,他们的表现会更好”,《哈佛商业评论》 ,2014 年 1 月 16 日,https://hbr.org/2014/01/employees-perform-b​​etter-when-they-can-control-their-space。

26. Diane Hoskins, “Employees Perform Better When They Can Control Their Space,” Harvard Business Review, January 16, 2014, https://hbr.org/2014/01/employees-perform-better-when-they-can-control-their-space.

27. Ranjay Gulati,“不令人窒息的结构”,《哈佛商业评论》,2018 年 5 月 - 6 月,https://hbr.org/2018/05/structure-thats-not-stifling。

27. Ranjay Gulati, “Structure That’s Not Stifling,” Harvard Business Review, May–June 2018, https://hbr.org/2018/05/structure-thats-not-stifling.

28.我要感谢玛利亚·孔尼科娃 (Maria Konnikova) 为我撰写了完整的塞利格曼简介,《试图治愈抑郁症,却激发折磨》, 《纽约客》,2015 年 1 月 14 日,https://www.newyorker.com/science/maria-konnikova/theory-psychology-justified-torture。

28. For this entire profile on Seligman I am indebted to Maria Konnikova, “Trying to Cure Depression, but Inspiring Torture,” New Yorker, January 14, 2015, https://www.newyorker.com/science/maria-konnikova/theory-psychology-justified-torture.

29. Michael Shermer,“400 年来我们都知道酷刑无用”,《科学美国人》,2017 年 5 月 1 日,https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/we-rsquo-ve-known-for-400-years-that-torture-doesn-rsquo-t-work/。

29. Michael Shermer, “We’ve Known for 400 Years That Torture Doesn’t Work,” Scientific American, May 1, 2017, https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/we-rsquo-ve-known-for-400-years-that-torture-doesn-rsquo-t-work/.

30.同上。如需了解明智使用酷刑(或“酷刑之光”)的有效性,请参阅 Mark Bowden 的《审讯的黑暗艺术》,《大西洋月刊》,2003 年 10 月,https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/10/the-dark-art-of-interrogation/302791/。

30. Ibid. For an alternate perspective on the efficacy of judiciously applied torture (or “torture light”), please see Mark Bowden, “The Dark Art of Interrogation,” Atlantic, October 2003, https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/10/the-dark-art-of-interrogation/302791/.

第七章:让你的身体说话

Chapter 7: Let Your Body Do the Talking

1.查尔斯·达尔文 1872 年出版的《人类与动物的情感表达》是第一本探索非语言交流的书籍之一。

1. Charles Darwin’s 1872 book, The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals, was one of the first to explore nonverbal communication.

2.参考文献包括保罗·艾克曼的《说谎:市场、政治和婚姻中的欺骗线索》(纽约和伦敦:诺顿出版社,2009 年);保罗·艾克曼和华莱士·V·弗里森的《揭开脸面:从面部表情识别情绪指南》(加州洛斯阿尔托斯:马洛出版社,2003 年);大卫·松本、马克·G·弗兰克和黄海星编的《非语言交流:科学与应用》(洛杉矶:Sage出版社,2013 年);乔·纳瓦罗的《每个人的言语:前联邦调查局特工速读指南》(纽约:威廉·莫罗平装出版社,2008 年);乔·纳瓦罗的《肢体语言词典:人类行为实地指南》(纽约:威廉·莫罗平装出版社,2018 年);丹尼尔·戈尔曼的《情商:十周年纪念版》;为什么它比智商更重要(纽约:Bantam,2006 年);保罗·J·扎克,《道德分子:爱与繁荣的源泉》(纽约:Dutton,2012 年);艾米·卡迪,《存在:用最勇敢的自我迎接最大的挑战》(纽约:Little, Brown Spark,2015 年)。您也可以参考我自己的著作《揭开社会工程师的面纱:安全的人为因素》(印第安纳波利斯:Wiley,2014 年)。

2. Works to consult include Paul Ekman, Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage, (New York and London: Norton, 2009); Paul Ekman and Wallace V. Friesen, Unmasking the Face: A Guide to Recognizing Emotions from Facial Expressions (Los Altos, CA: Malor Books, 2003); David Matsumoto, Mark G. Frank, and Hyi Sung Hwang, eds., Nonverbal Communication: Science and Applications (Los Angeles: Sage, 2013); Joe Navarro, What Every Body Is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People (New York: William Morrow Paperbacks, 2008); Joe Navarro, The Dictionary of Body Language: A Field Guide to Human Behavior (New York: William Morrow Paperbacks, 2018); Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence: 10th Anniversary Edition; Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (New York: Bantam, 2006); Paul J. Zak, The Moral Molecule: The Source of Love and Prosperity (New York: Dutton, 2012); and Amy Cuddy, Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges (New York: Little, Brown Spark, 2015). You might also consult my own title Unmasking the Social Engineer: The Human Element of Security (Indianapolis: Wiley, 2014).

3.纳瓦罗,《每个人都在说什么》,88页。

3. Navarro, What Every Body Is Saying, 88.

4.除了宏观和微观表情外,人类还会运用所谓的对话信号、面部表情和其他身体动作,这些动作本身并不表达情绪,而是表达想法。如果你告诉我你的宠物非洲环颈鹦鹉的交配仪式,我可能会通过扬眉和点头来表示“我对此很感兴趣”。

4. In addition to macro- and micro-expressions, human beings also mobilize so-called conversational signals, facial expressions and other bodily movements that don’t express emotions per se but rather ideas. If you tell me about the mating rituals of your pet African ringneck parakeet, I might signal the idea “I am interested in this” by raising my eyebrows and nodding my head.

5.有关镜像效应的研究,请参阅 Costanza Navarretta 的《在二元对话中镜像面部表情和情绪》,会议论文,语言资源和评估会议(LREC 2016),斯洛文尼亚波尔托罗兹,第 10 卷,第 469-74 页,https://www.researchgate.net/publication/311588919_Mirroring_Facial_Expressions_and_Emotions_in_Dyadic_Conversations;以及 Robert W. Levenson、Paul Ekman 和 Wallace V. Friesen 的《自愿面部动作产生情绪特定的自主神经系统活动》,《心理生理学》第 27 卷,第 4 期(1990 年):第 363-84 页,https://bpl.berkeley.edu/docs/36-Voluntary%20Facial%20Action90.pdf。

5. For studies documenting the mirroring effect, please see Costanza Navarretta, “Mirroring Facial Expressions and Emotions in Dyadic Conversations,” conference paper, Language Resources and Evaluation Conference (LREC 2016), Portoroz, Slovenia, vol. 10, 469–74, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/311588919_Mirroring_Facial_Expressions_and_Emotions_in_Dyadic_Conversations; and Robert W. Levenson, Paul Ekman, and Wallace V. Friesen, “Voluntary Facial Action Generates Emotion-Specific Autonomic Nervous System Activity, Psychophysiology 27, no. 4 (1990): 363–84, https://bpl.berkeley.edu/docs/36-Voluntary%20Facial%20Action90.pdf.

6. Sourya Acharya 和 Samarth Shukla,《镜像神经元:“形而上学的模块化大脑”,《自然科学、生物学和医学杂志》第 3 卷,第 2 期(2012 年 7 月 -12 月):118-24,https://doi.org/10.4103/0976-9668.101878。

6. Sourya Acharya and Samarth Shukla, “Mirror Neurons: Enigma of the Metaphysical Modular Brain,” Journal of Natural Science, Biology, and Medicine 3, no. 2 (July–December 2012): 118–24, https://doi.org/10.4103/0976-9668.101878.

7. Daniele Marzoli 等人,“阳光引起的皱眉会引发攻击性情绪”,《认知与情绪》第 27 卷,第 8 期(2013 年 5 月):1513–21 页,https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2013.801338。

7. Daniele Marzoli et al., “Sun-Induced Frowning Fosters Aggressive Feelings,” Cognition and Emotion 27, no. 8 (May 2013): 1513–21, https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2013.801338.

8.杰西卡·班尼特,《我没有生气,那只是我的 RBF》,《纽约时报》,2015 年 8 月 1 日,https://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/02/fashion/im-not-mad-thats-just-my-resting-b-face.html?_r=0&module=ArrowsNav&contentCollection=Fashion%20%26%20Style&action=keypress®ion=FixedLeft&pgtype=article。

8. Jessica Bennett, “I’m Not Mad. That’s Just My RBF,” New York Times, August 1, 2015, https://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/02/fashion/im-not-mad-thats-just-my-resting-b-face.html?_r=0&module=ArrowsNav&contentCollection=Fashion%20%26%20Style&action=keypress&region=FixedLeft&pgtype=article.

9. Merriam-Webster,sv“蔑视”。

9. Merriam-Webster, s.v. “contempt.”

10. “Throwing Shade:Resting Bitch Face 的科学”,测试您的 RBF,2020 年 4 月 4 日访问,https://www.testrbf.com/content/throwing-shade-science-resting-bitch-face。

10. “Throwing Shade: The Science of Resting Bitch Face,” Test Your RBF, accessed April 4, 2020, https://www.testrbf.com/content/throwing-shade-science-resting-bitch-face.

11. Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic,《工作中生气的好处》,《Fast Company》,2020 年 2 月 25 日,https://www.fastcompany.com/90467448/the-upside-to-being-angry-at-work。

11. Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, “The Upside to Being Angry at Work,” Fast Company, February 25, 2020, https://www.fastcompany.com/90467448/the-upside-to-being-angry-at-work.

12. Preston Ni,“四种愤怒及其破坏性影响”,《今日心理学》,2019 年 5 月 19 日,https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201905/4-types-anger-and-their-structive-impact。

12. Preston Ni, “4 Types of Anger and Their Destructive Impact,” Psychology Today, May 19, 2019, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201905/4-types-anger-and-their-destructive-impact.

13. LR Mujica-Parodi、HH Strey、B. Frederick、R. Savoy 和 D. Cox 等人,“化学感应线索对同种情绪压力激活人类杏仁核的影响”,PLoS ONE 4,第 7 期 (2009):e6415。doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0006415。

13. L. R. Mujica-Parodi, H. H. Strey, B. Frederick, R. Savoy, D. Cox, et al., “Chemosensory Cues to Conspecific Emotional Stress Activate Amygdala in Humans,” PLoS ONE 4, no. 7 (2009): e6415. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0006415.

14. Ellie Lisitsa,《四骑士:蔑视》,戈特曼研究所,2013 年 5 月 13 日,https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/?rq=contempt。

14. Ellie Lisitsa, “The Four Horsemen: Contempt,” Gottman Institute, May 13, 2013, https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/?rq=contempt.

第 8 章:完善您的演示

Chapter 8: Polish Your Presentation

1.乔治·莱考夫,《全新的别想着大象!了解你的价值观并构建辩论》(佛蒙特州怀特河交界处:切尔西格林,2014 年),第 xi-xii 页。

1. George Lakoff, The All New Don’t Think of an Elephant! Know Your Values and Frame the Debate (White River Junction, VT: Chelsea Green, 2014), xi–xii.

2.同上,第1页。

2. Ibid., 1.

3.引用 Oliver Burkeman 的《本专栏将改变你的生活》一文:《不完美中的美》,《卫报》,2010 年 4 月 23 日,https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/apr/24/change-your-life-beauty-imperfection。

3. Quoted in Oliver Burkeman, “This Column Will Change Your Life: The Beauty in Imperfection,” Guardian, April 23, 2010, https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/apr/24/change-your-life-beauty-imperfection.

4. Sarah Todd、Hanna Kozlowska 和 Marc Bain,“'理想的真实',Instagram 上的酷女孩形象,将广告伪装成真实”,Quartz,2019 年 10 月 12 日,https://qz.com/quartzy/1722511/how-brands-like-glossier-sell-aspirational-realness-on-instagram/。

4. Sarah Todd, Hanna Kozlowska, and Marc Bain, “‘Aspirational Realness,’ the Instagram Cool-Girl Look, Disguises Advertising as Authenticity,” Quartz, October 12, 2019, https://qz.com/quartzy/1722511/how-brands-like-glossier-sell-aspirational-realness-on-instagram/.

建议阅读

Suggested Reading

Robert B. Cialdini,《影响力:说服的心理学》(Harper Business,2006 年)。

Robert B. Cialdini, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (Harper Business, 2006).

第一本对影响力进行定义并科学分析的书。

The first book to define and scientifically analyze influence.

 

 

艾米·卡迪(Amy Cuddy),《存在:用最勇敢的自己应对最大的挑战》(Little, Brown Spark,2015 年)。

Amy Cuddy, Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges (Little, Brown Spark, 2015).

帮助黑客了解肢体语言如何在交战前缓解我们的紧张情绪,以及我们如何利用姿势来增强我们的沟通。

Helps hackers understand how body language eases our nerves before an engagement, and how we can utilize posture to enhance our communications.

 

 

Robin Dreeke,《这不全是关于我:与任何人快速建立融洽关系的十大技巧》(Robin K. Dreeke,2011 年)。

Robin Dreeke, It’s Not All about Me: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone (Robin K. Dreeke, 2011).

Dreeke 曾在 FBI 担任人类黑客多年。他的书是有关如何快速与他人建立融洽关系的最佳书籍之一。

Dreeke served as a human hacker in the FBI for years. His is one of the best books about quickly building rapport with others.

 

 

保罗·艾克曼 (Paul Ekman),《情绪揭秘,第二版:通过识别面孔和感觉来改善沟通和情感生活》,平装本(Holt,2007 年)。

Paul Ekman, Emotions Revealed, Second Edition: Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve Communication and Emotional Life, paperback (Holt, 2007).

在非语言交流领域,没有一位科学家比艾克曼更出名。这本书描述了人类的情绪以及它们在面部的表现。

No scientist is more renowned than Ekman on the topic of nonverbal communications. This book describes human emotions and how they appear on the face.

 

 

丹尼尔·戈尔曼,《情商:十周年纪念版;为何它比智商更重要》(Bantam,2006 年)。

Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence: 10th Anniversary Edition; Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (Bantam, 2006).

介绍有关杏仁核以及它如何影响我们的心理和行为的有影响力的研究。

Presents influential research on the amygdala and how it affects our psychology and behavior.

 

 

Chris Hadnagy、Paul F. Kelly 和 Paul Ekman 博士,《揭开社会工程师的面纱:安全的人为因素》(Wiley,2014 年)。

Chris Hadnagy, Paul F. Kelly, and Dr. Paul Ekman, Unmasking the Social Engineer: The Human Element of Security (Wiley, 2014).

深入探讨如何在日常生活中使用非语言语言。

An in-depth treatment of how to use nonverbals in everyday life.

 

 

Ellen J. Langer,《成为一名艺术家:通过专注的创造力重塑自我》(Ballantine,2006 年)。

Ellen J. Langer, On Becoming an Artist: Reinventing Yourself through Mindful Creativity (Ballantine, 2006).

本书重点讲述了正念的作用,这是一项让任何人类黑客受益的技能。

This book focuses on the role of mindfulness, a skill that will benefit any human hacker.

 

 

乔·纳瓦罗 (Joe Navarro), 《每个人在说什么:前 FBI 特工的速读者指南》 (William Morrow 平装书,2008 年)。

Joe Navarro, What Every Body Is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People (William Morrow Paperbacks, 2008).

这是关于从头到脚的身体语言的最佳书籍之一。对于任何人类黑客来说都是必读之书。

One of the best books on body language, from head to toe. Essential reading for any human hacker.

 

 

保罗·J·扎克,《道德分子:决定我们善恶的新科学》(Bantam,2012 年)。

Paul J. Zak, The Moral Molecule: The New Science of What Makes Us Good or Evil (Bantam, 2012).

扎克对催产素的研究改变了我们对信任和融洽关系建立的理解。

Zak’s study of oxytocin has changed our understanding of trust and rapport building.

关于作者

About the Author

Christopher Hadnagy是 Social-Engineer, LLC 的创始人兼首席执行官。在行业从业的 16 年中,他编写了世界上第一个社会工程框架,创建了第一个基于社会工程的播客和通讯,并撰写了四本关于该主题的书籍。Chris 曾在世界各地演讲和授课,包括在五角大楼和其他高度安全的设施就社会工程学主题进行演讲和授课。作为世界上第一个 SECTF(社会工程夺旗赛)的创建者,他在教育人们了解这一严重威胁​​方面发挥了带头作用。Chris 与一些世界科学研究领袖合作,以了解社会工程学,甚至与 Paul Ekman 博士合著了一本关于社会工程师如何使用非语言交流的书。他拥有 OSCP 和 OSWP 资格,是 SEPP 和 MLSE 认证的创建者。他还是 Innocent Lives Foundation 的创始人、执行董事和董事会成员,该基金会是一家致力于打击儿童性虐待的非营利组织。

Christopher Hadnagy is the founder and CEO of Social-Engineer, LLC. In his sixteen years in the industry, he has written the world’s first social engineering framework, created the first social engineering–based podcast and newsletter, and written four books on the topic. Chris has spoken and taught around the globe, including at the Pentagon and other highly secure facilities on the topic of social engineering. As the creator of the world’s first SECTF (Social Engineering Capture the Flag), he has led the way in educating people on this serious threat. Chris works with some of the world’s leaders in scientific research to understand social engineering and even authored a book with Dr. Paul Ekman about how nonverbal communication is used by social engineers. He holds his OSCP and OSWP and is the creator of the SEPP and MLSE certifications. He is also the founder, executive director, and a board member of the Innocent Lives Foundation, a nonprofit that fights the sexual abuse of children.

塞思·舒尔曼运用文字的力量来开启对话、改变思想和改变生活。作为一名讲故事的高手和知识合作者,他在过去二十年中撰写了数十本书,涉及商业、个人成长、回忆录、健康和公共事务等多个领域,其中包括多本畅销书。舒尔曼拥有布朗大学思想和文化史博士学位。欲了解更多信息,请访问他的网站 www.providenceword.com。

Seth Schulman wields the power of the written word to start conversations, change minds, and transform lives. A master storyteller and intellectual collaborator, he has contributed to dozens of books over the past two decades in the genres of business, personal growth, memoir, health, and public affairs, including multiple bestsellers. Schulman holds a PhD in intellectual and cultural history from Brown University. For more information, please visit his website, www.providenceword.com.

在hc.com上发现伟大的作家、独家优惠等等。

Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.

赞扬 人类黑客

Praise for Human Hacking

《人性黑客》是一本完美的手册,可以让你学习必要的技能,以便你能够更好地与人相处,让你的世界变得尽可能美好。”

Human Hacking is the perfect manual for learning the skills needed so you can get along with people better, and make your world the best it can be.”

—马克·鲍登,畅销书《真相与谎言》的作者

—Mark Bowden, bestselling author of Truth and Lies

 

 

“如果你想学会做最好的自己,这是一本必读的书。我重视开放和诚实的沟通,而这正是《 人性黑客》的精髓所在。学习如何利用数十年来对专业人类黑客如何磨练技能的研究,并将其应用于普通人的日常生活。”

“This is a must-read book if you want to learn to be your best self. I value open and honest communications and that is what Human Hacking is all about. Learn how to use decades of research into how professional human hackers crafted their skills and apply it to the everyday average person.”

—AJ Cook,女演员、无辜生命基金会董事会成员

—AJ Cook, actress and board member of Innocent Lives Foundation

 

 

“我们生活在一个机器世界,但我们忘记了这些机器是由人类领导的——而人类很容易被黑客攻击。这是一本关于这种情况如何发生的优秀书籍——它是当今世界生活的必备工具。” 

“We live in a world of machines, but we forget that those machines are led by humans—and humans can easily be hacked. This is an excellent book about how that happens—it is an essential tool for living in the world today.” 

— Helena 创始人兼首席执行官 Henry Elkus

—Henry Elkus, founder and CEO of Helena

 

 

人性黑客的本质不是欺骗,而是诚实。诚实这一简单的行为可以适用于任何情况、任何地点、任何人——以造福所有人。”

Human Hacking is not about deception. It’s about honesty. And that simple practice of honesty can be applied to any situation, anywhere, by anyone—for the betterment of all.”

—Clutch 乐队主唱 Neil Fallon

—Neil Fallon, lead singer of Clutch

关于出版商

About the Publisher

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*从技术上讲,我们闯入建筑物、发送钓鱼邮件等行为确实违反了法律。但是,客户在合同中允许我们采取这些行动,例如,明确规定我们得到他们的许可才能闯入他们的建筑物。我们不会采取合同不允许的任何非法行动。

* Technically, we do violate the law by breaking into buildings, sending phishing emails, and so on. However, clients contractually allow us to take these actions, specifying, for instance, that we have their permission to break into their buildings. What we won’t do is take any illegal action that our contracts don’t permit.